Marlene GarzonaFamily CommunicationDecember 08, 2014

Doing Being Family

There is no universal meaning of what constitutes a family as the notion is ever changing

and uniquely perspective dependent. A family can have many individuals or only a few with

biological and/or sociological ties varying on the situation. A family may be highly traditional or

the end result of years of patch working. Individuals generally know however what it means to

be certain roles in a family. As members of society we know what it means to be a mom, a child,

and siblings, etc. We have experience with categories and what generally fits in each. We would

not survive without this ability but it is not without flaw. By looking at actual segments of a

family doing being family we can move these notions from the vague abstract to the definable

concrete. In this paper I looked at two segments in which a family does some of the categories

typically seen in a family: doing being mom, doing being adult child, doing being sisters and

unpack them to show how they are doing those roles. I am exploring the communication

practices that promote the appearances of these otherwise only mentally defined categories.

In the first segment “Pasta_Marlene Garzona_4-27” the family of three and their guest

are beginning to have dinner. Some food items have already been placed on the table so

everyone but the mom who is serving is already nibbling on something. As the two daughters

and guest finish up a small conversation the mom brings over the main dish – pasta. The mom

proceeds to scoop out the pasta to everyone. She starts with me the guest at line #8 “Here

Marlane” then proceeds to serve Alana to Alexa’s dismay at line #14 “HEY!” Mom defends

Alana at line #15 but as she serves Alana disregards her daughter’s claim that it is enough at

lines #15-16. Alexa continues the teasing at line #18 and then insists on serving herself instead

of allowing her mother to serve her at line #23 “I’ll do it”. Her mother agrees at line 25 “alright”

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and mentions not having put a lot of cheese at line #38. Alexa tries to compliment her mother’s

cooking at lines #39-41 but is met with her mother’s advice “come on Alexa you gotta eat more

then that” at lines #43-44 Mom tries to place more pasta on Alexa’s place but Alexa reacts

negatively “No!” and resists at lines #50-51 eventually giving a compromise “I’ll have seconds.”

Various categories are identifiable in this segment that allow for an examination of how

the family does being family. The mom is doing being mom by giving advice and serving food.

The eldest daughter is doing being adult child by resisting the advice. There is also evidence of

the two daughters doing being siblings by teasing (the oldest teases the youngest). Overall the

particular ways of talking purpose particular relationships.

Some family categories are pretty robust. A mom doing being mom is easily recognizable

because there are rights and obligations associated with each category. If a mom doesn’t care

for, feed, and love her children someone could say she’s not a good category mother and that

she’s not fulfilling the rights. There are different kinds of mothers (the overly affectionate vs.

the proactive mother), which can provide us a range. But the segment below provides an

excellent sample of what it looks like to be a mom.

1) Serving Food

In this segment the mom is doing being mom by serving the family hence taking care of/

feeding them. She brings over the pasta at line #5 and insists on “dish(ing) it out to everyone.”

She first serves me as the guest and then proceeds to serve her youngest daughter in lines #08-

17. The only reason is does not server her eldest daughter is because Alexa turns the offer down

at line #23. Through she does try again to serve the eldest at lines #43-44. She ultimately

continues serving throughout the dinner. When she realizes there is more sauce to mix into the

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pasta at lines #54-56 she insists on doing it right away and does not listen to her daughter’s

comment about it being “fine” at line #57.

2) Knowing Best

The mom is also being mom by knowing best. She knows what type of food her

daughters like and indicates she knows how much of that food they should be eating as well. A

mom is supposed to know what foods her kids like and cater to their tastes in cooking. This is

seen when the mom says “I didn’t put a lot of cheese” at line #38 in reference to the pasta.

Which Alexa replies to with “the sauce is so good though” at lines #39-42 confirming her

mother’s success at doing being mom by knowing her daughters’ tastes.

A mother is also supposed to keep track of her children’s health and teach them healthy

eating habits. In this segment mom is doing being mom by tracking how much her daughters are

eating and offering advice since she knows best. After serving the guest she proceeds to serve

her youngest daughter. Even when Alana insists the amount of food on her plate is enough at line

#16 “that’s cool mom.” The mom disregards her daughter’s claim that this is enough with

“that’s nothing” at line #17 and fills up the plate. While she does not serve Alexa, her oldest

daughter, the mom does point out Alexa’s plate. The mom offers advice in a manner that is more

demanding than suggestive. Particular ways of talking purpose particular relationships. The way

the advice is telling of the relationship since it is more straightforward than might be the case

with a non-family member. The comment is not friendly advice (not the I think honey kind of

advice but the more declarative I am going to use your first to address you type) instead more so

controlling, “ Come on Alexa, you gotta eat more then that” at lines #43-44. By saying it in this

way instead of any other way she is conveying she [mother] knows best and may have some

official rights to control her children’s behavior. One way of doing mom is claiming special

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rights to children’s taste and well-being/health. She made the food she knew they would like and

has the right to do tell them how much to eat. Even when Alexa tries to resist by insisting she’s

“good” and offering an explanation in lines #45-46. The mom still tries to put food on her

daughter’s plate with a “here” by scooping and holding it above the plate in lines #47-48. The

mom only stops and puts the food down when Alexa continues her protest and eventually says

she’ll have seconds in lines #50-51. The mom tracks only her children but not me as a guest

conveying the difference of how a mom may treat her children (monitor them closely) versus

other people’s children (not so much). She expresses concern in her daughters’ eating habits and

comments on each of their food proportions.

3) Doing being parent of adult child

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This incident with the pasta could also be an indicator of the mom doing being parent of

adult child. The mom is doing being parent of adult child by negotiating boundaries in a period

of change. She offers advice that she may be used to doing (seen when she gives it to her

youngest daughter as well) but she may not be used to having her oldest daughter resist it (in

contrast to her younger daughter following it) lines #43-50. Therefore she is left figuring out a

new way to approach matters and while she is persistent (not only saying the advice but also

holding the food over her daughter’s plate) must nonetheless eventually admit defeat. There is

an expectation that parents should be knowledgeable of their children’s tastes but also that they

should be able to trust their children (when the children are old enough) to make their own

decisions. As a child grows up there is an adjustment period between what parents ought to know

and what they know. This is the transition of doing being mom when daily chauffeuring isn’t

what it used to be. To be a parent of an adult child is to be in a period of change. A parent may

figure out how they can continue to be a parent and at the some time let their child be an adult.

Some families are good at these; some are bad, and some family in between (I think Alexa’s

mom would fall in-between).

4) Doing being adult child

The eldest daughter is doing being rebellious adult child by refusing to listen to what her

mother tells her to do and asserting independence when it comes to getting her own food. The

mom serves everyone but Alexa who insists she’ll do it herself and that her mother sits down at

line #23. While it was seen earlier that Alexa’s younger teen sister gives in to her mother’s

comment on food proportions in line #17, Alexa does not. The mom’s comment of “you gotta eat

more” at line #43-44 prompts Alexa to reply negatively right away. Alexa resists the idea by

commenting on the number of meatballs she’s had in lines #45-46 and when the mom tries to

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physically place the food on her plate she exclaims “No!” at line #50 until her mother stops. Her

response is formed in a way to contest her mother’s knowing best advice. The way it is said so

contradictory may also be telling of the mother-daughter relationship. It may be justifiable to

respond to someone you’re close with (like your mother) in such a manner but that goes against

the “please and no thank you norms” of society in general. The way you speak to your family

often differs compared to the way you may speak with others such as acquaintances. As seen a

family may usually be more understanding or accepting of what might otherwise be considered

rude behavior. Individuals in a family do not always have to be polite to each other since there

may be a sense of entitlement to go further. Eventually however Alexa does being a good

daughter (listening to your mother’s advice) and compromises a bit by saying she’ll have

seconds later at line #51 (though this might have also just been an empty promise to get her

mother to stop persisting her at the moment like an adult child may be expected to make “tell

your mom what she wants to hear”). Alexa is doing being grown daughter by contesting her

mother’s advice on food proportions thereby enacting the role of a daughter whom is becoming

independent of the family.

i. She also makes a comment earlier about the pumpkin centerpiece which is

in resistance to her mother saying there is no room at the table.

The manner in which the mom delivers the food advice to her daughters and the way each

of them responds is telling of parent-child relationship being enacted at that given moment. The

two categories of parent of adult child and adult child may be in conflict with each other. It may

be expected that one way of doing being mom is knowing your family, being aware of what they

like, and tracking their eating habits to ensure they remain healthy. But an adult child may expect

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that a mom should doing mom by letting them make their own decisions when it comes to food

choices and eating habits. An adult child may be expected to rebel against their mother.

5) Doing being siblings

There is also evidence of doing being sisters in this segment. Alexa is doing being older

sister by teasing her younger sister, Alana. There is a tendency for family members to be more

blunt and ruthless with each other especially siblings. The reason teasing can go further within a

family is because there may be a sense of entitlement and siblings may experience rivalry with

one another. Family members may feel more entitled to tease each other because they may think

they know each other better than others (teases usually have a hint of truth in them). Family

members may also feel more entitled to go further than non-family members because things may

be less seen as less offensive when it comes from family. Alexa’s mother serves me first but

Alexa only protests when her mom serves her sister at line #14 an action that may be indicative

of the norm of teasing being okay with family. Later in response to her mother defending her

actions “Alana is hungry.” Alexa continues the tease with “how many apples did you eat?” in

reference to the apple picking activity earlier in the day where Alana did eat a lot of apples. The

reaction to the teasing is also telling of the sibling relationship. Alana does not fight back but

rather says, “I don’t know” in line #19. A younger sibling may know when to pick their battles

and when to simply let things go. You might also simply not be as offended when a family

member teases you as opposed to be a stranger. Doing being siblings may be conveyed by the

presence of teasing.

In the second segment “Ice Cream_Marlene Garzona_31-49” the family is finished with

dinner and is about to begin dessert. Initially the table is cleared and paper plates are put out.

There is a suggestion brought up by the mom to make slice and bake cookies in lines #16-20.

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Alana picks up this suggestion and discovers there are no slice and bakes in the house at line

#21-22. This assumption is followed by negotiation about what slice and bakes are in lines #23-

48. After this discussion the mom works hard to please everyone being willing to go out and buy

stuff in lines #33, 36, 38,48, 51, 53, 59, 61, and 68. This offer is rejected multiple times by Alana

and Alexa at line #35, 37, 49,50, 52, 56, 58, and 60 but nonetheless at the end the mom goes out

causing dessert to be pushed back. The family is enacting doing family by offering to do things

for each other.

1) Doing being mom

A mother is expected to care for her children, provide for them, and do things for them

otherwise she could be labeled as a bad categorical mother. The mom is doing being mom by

enacting concern for everyone. First she does this by clearing off the table (having served the

food earlier as well) and then says she’ll bring out the pie at line (wanting to continue serving)

#3. Afterwards she brings up the idea of slice and bakes and when she realizes there are none to

make (to Alana’s disappointment) she decides she has to go buy some (she doesn’t ask if she

should she says she will “ooh alright I’ll go get the slice and bakes and ice cream” at line #33-

34 ). She proposes the idea in a manner, which does not have room for negotiation “I will” that

can be telling of the parent-child relationship. After all a mother knows best! The idea of having

to go buy something is seen twice before in other segments: first when the mom realizes there is

no ice cream and then later when she asks if she should go get ice cream deciding she’s going to

have to. Both times, the daughters’ resist/protest the idea as well but the mom insists. Despite her

daughters’ prolonged protests, the mom continues being mom by doing what she thinks is best

for her family and not what her children believe is best (a mother follows her intuition). She

listens to herself and decides to go anyway in order to provide for her family. Every time there is

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a protest she refutes it and at one point she even justifies her reasoning, “I’ll get it so we can

chew” in line #53. The children indirectly persuaded her to go by saying things like “I love

those” at line #30 and now nothing can dissuade her from doing being a good mom. She

ultimately also decides how the family meal will progress, that the dessert will wait in line #51,

allowing her to do being mom by conveying some authority in that sense. She might also be

putting her children’s needs before her own (which is usually expected of mother’s as well)

when she says “that way I’ll get what everyone wants okay” in line #68. By using everyone

instead of I there is some indication that she ‘s probably not just doing this because she wants to.

The mom does being mom by being willing to go out and buy stuff in order to please everyone.

She may be an adult mom now but still knows how to take care of her children.

2) Doing being daughters

Children are expected to help/support their mothers when old enough. Alexa and Alana are

doing being daughters by supporting their mom and being helpful. Alexa first offers to help clean

the table in line #2 and then supports her mom choice of using paper plates by saying that her

mother is “keeping it simple” in line #10. This works because her mother continues to

incorporate that phrase into her own sentence line #11 and even Alana says “yay” right

beforehand in line #8. Their mother lays out a bid for support and they both pick it up. When the

mom brings up the idea of going out to buy something both girls express their disapproval for the

idea by saying she doesn’t have to. Even through they might have actually prompted it in the

first place as seen in line #30 with “I love those” and may have even actually wanted the cookies.

They are trying to be considerate of their mother by putting her needs’ before their own wants.

They say a lot blunt things in order to try to dissuade her. Their reasoning is honest but also be a

bit more negative sounding because it is their mother who they are talking to and not a stranger.

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Family members generally feel entitled to talk and act a certain way with other family members

that may be extremely different than how they would address others outside of the family. They

call her idea “crazy” and “stupid” which could be considered rude (since it not the common

manner which a child is expected to address their parent, it is not very respectful) otherwise but

seems to be appropriate here and an indication of the close mother-daughter relationship going

on. I mean in contrast I for one did not personally agree with the idea either but did not feel

comfortable enough to join in using such language. I probably would have used something more

polite and indirect along the lines “I don’t think that’s a good idea because” but that probably

would have sounded a little weird coming out of their mouths at the moment. Generally it is

more acceptable to be impolite with your family than strangers. The language used in a

conversation conveys a good indication of the level of closeness two individuals may have and

the type of relationship they may have.

3) Doing being sisters

Alexa and Alana were doing being sisters by working together towards a common goal. They

were trying to avoid burdening their mother and were feeding off each other in order to try to

dissuade her. One daughter initiates the protest at line #35 with “it’s fine mom” and the other

quickly follows suit in line #37 with “that’s crazy.” Their actions are related and continue to be

throughout the scene. They go back and forth trying to change their mother’s mind about going

out. When something is started you can choose to join in or not, a child is more likely to realize

what her sister has started than a stranger in the same situation is. It seems to indicate some

unspoken communication between them, a set rules that don’t have be articulated the “I start you

and you follow” card. The two girls working together are displaying unspoken shared mutual

understanding that conveys their closeness as sisters.

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At one point when unsure how to describe the slice and bakes Alana is doing being little

sister by turning to her oldest sister for help. Siblings can be resources for one another and it is

noted how Alana turned to Alexa right away instead of me (an individual is likely to turn to

family member because they have known them longer and may therefore trust them more).

Eventually both girls go back being daughters as they listen to their mother and accept her

idea of going out. Alana asks to go with her in line #62 and Alexa asks for some yogurt in line

#71. If you cannot make your mother change her mind, you might as well join in.

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This paper looked at naturally occurring data and it does not match up with a lot of the

readings/discussions we’re done in this class. A common criticism of the existing

communication theories is often that they are psychological in nature. Instead of focusing on

actual concrete communication practices they often focus on abstract antecedents and outcomes.

It is true a lot of what we have read dealt with what precedes family communications and what

happens afterwards. If parents use this kind of parenting style they will behave like this or that

and their children will be happier or not. But almost nothing we’ve encountered has dealt with

actual family communication: how family members talk to each other. This paper brings both

together by looking at actual communication in families and comparing to what the literature

tells us.

Roles Theory (LePoire 2006, p.56 /class notes, 9/15/14) mentions nurturing roles and

controlling roles. But there is no clear definition of any role in the family. In order to get a

definition in terms of communication practices we must explore the rights which requires more

flexibility than the theory provides. That is the problem behind the existing literature; it seems to

lack a thorough discussion. It states the role of a nurturer is providing general caring and support

but the text it is purely white and black. In reality it may look like a mom serving her family or

tracking a child’s needs and eating habits.

In class we mentioned the stages of Carter and McGoldrick’s family cycle development

(Class notes, 9/22/14). The research states what these are and when they occur but not how they

look like. Families launching children and moving on focuses on when older children leave the

home and the positive/ negative consequences these has for parents. It talks about the

importance of the development of the adult child-parent relationship but does not tell you what it

looks like. Being an adult parent and an adult child involves negotiation and conflict as seen in

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the pasta segment. It is a period of change where adult child may be asserting their

independence. While a parent may trying figuring out how they can both let their child be an

adult and at the same time continue to parent. This stage theory also fails to account for how

some families and parents might be better at handling some of these stages than others. This

transition period may be easy for some families and harder for others, for example I believe my

friend’s family and her mom in the segment would fall somewhere in between.

Parenting styles were discussed in class (LePoire 2006, p.140 /class notes, 10/06/14) and

the findings all focused on antecedent and outcomes. An authoritarian parent has high

demandingness and low responsiveness. A permissive parent has low demandingness and high

responsiveness. An authoritative parent has high demandingness and high responsiveness. Each

type produced a different type of child stated the data. When collected data is looked at however

it is seen that actual findings do not match up with the existing literature. An actual parent may

have all three parenting styles and they may all be going on at once. As seen in the segments all

three different styles may be embodied in one individual. The mom went from being

authoritative “I’ll get it so we can chew” in line #53 to authoritarian “No no” in line #59 to

permissive “yeah” in line #66. As there may very well be some overlap. In the readings the

styles are definite but in reality they are more flexible. A parenting style is not something a

parent has but rather they do.

There are ways people relate to one another that enact being a family. As shown in this

paper there exist a collection of communication practices to enact being a family such as

“mothers check on/track their children” and “sisters work together” which are things that

could be done in any family.

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References

Class notes. (9/15/14). Many kinds of families. Family Communication, Rutgers University.

Class notes. (9/22/14). The Life Cycle of a family. Family Communication, Rutgers University.

Class notes. (10/06/14). Adding Children. Family Communication, Rutgers University.

LePoire, B. (2006). Family Communication: Nurturing and control in a changing world.

Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

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Transcription Appendix

Participants (clockwise from head of table): Alexa (Ale, oldest adult daughter), Alana (Ala, younger adult daughter), Marlene (Mar, Alexa’s friend), and Mom (Mom, the mother of Alexa and Alana).

Transcription #1

Pasta_Marlene Garzona_4-27

01 ((Alana, Alexa, and Marlene are talking02 before MOM comes over with the pasta. Since03 there are other food items already on the 04 table everyone is already eating something))05 MOM: Here want me --I’ll dish it out to 06 everyone07 MOM: ((laughing as serves the pasta and 08 placing it on the plate)) Here Marlane,09 ALA: OH [Monz?]10 MOM: How’s that?11 MAR: ((holding out plate)) That’s good12 MOM: Here Alana ((chuckles and takes the13 plate to serve))14 ALE: HEY!15 MOM: Alana is hungry16 ALA: That’s cool mom17 MOM: That’s nothing ((fills the plate))18 ALE: Alana how many apples did you eat today?19 ALA: I don’t know. I just get a headache from20 like…21 MOM: There’s more sauce you help yourself22 right in there23 ALE: Oh I’ll do it I’ll do it, you sit down24 ((Alexa starts serving herself))

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25 MOM: Alright and I’ll get my dish 26 ALE: I might get more sauce though, is it up27 there?28 MOM: Yeah, there is no room on the table. 29 It’s here.30 ALE: That’s okay the pumpkin takes necessary31 room ((Alexa finishes serving herself and 32 gets up to get more sauce for the pasta)33 MOM: ((laughing)) Yeah34 ALA: ((Sprinkling on cheese)) I love cheese.35 Cheese cheese cheese, you want cheese?36 ((passes cheese))37 MAR: Mhm38 MOM: I didn’t put a lot of cheese39 ALE: ((comes back eating some of the pasta)) The 40 sauce is so good though, it’s so hardy with 41 the meat mixed in, it’s so good((sits down)).42 MOM: ((serves herself some pasta and then43 scoops up more while standing)) Come on Alexa 44 you gotta eat more then that45 ALE: I already had two meatballs I’m good,46 I’m going on a third 47 MOM: ((Mom tries to serve Alexa the pasta she48 scooped, she holds it above her plate))49 Here 50 ALE: No! It’s okay. ((Mom puts it back down))51 I’ll have seconds 52 MOM: There’s more pasta for me to mix so. 53 ALA: I like put the meatball in the pasta.54 MOM: Good there’s more meat there’s more55 sauce in the back to mix. Maybe I should56 do that now.57 ALA: No it’s fine.58 ALE: Lonz can you pass the cheese?59 ALA: Ya ((passes the cheese))60 ALA: Why is your pasta over there?61 ALE: That’s from the sampling, you said try this62 ((Alexa is taking some cheese and Mom adds63 more pasta to the serving bowl))64 ALA: You didn’t try it?65 ALE: I did and I put the rest to the side. What66 other pies did they have at the orchid? Like 67 did they have… I didn’t..cause we were on68 a different line so I didn’t really like see69 (The conversation focus changes from the70 pasta to an activity earlier in the day))

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Transcription #2Dessert_Marlene Garzona_31-49

01 MOM: Let’s…02 ALE: Do you need help clearing off the table [Monz] ?03 MOM: No I’ll bring out the pie now this way…04 ALE: Lonz wasn’t our pumpkin good? You missed out on05 all the fun06 ALA: Mhmm that’s [still lit?]07 MOM: I’m going to um put out paper plates08 ALA: Yay09 MOM: Yeah right10 ALE: Keeping it simple11 MOM: I’ll do paper plates to keep it simple12 ((incorporates line 10))13 ALA: ((talking to dog)) Hi pretty one with the14 prettiest hand.15 ALE: How do you get the cork off…16 MOM: Alana wanna do slice and bake? Or just the pie?17 ALA: Ooh18 MOM: Lonz yeah we can do slice and bake too come here19 to make it a [] special feast you know. We can20 have both. Uh which one would you like?21 ALA: Uh picking is so bad. What those aren’t slice and22 bakes. 23 MOM: Oh24 ALE: I thought those were slice and bakes.25 MOM: I call them slice and bakes.26 ALA: No you know the ones with like the Halloween27 shapes on them28 MOM: Ooh ((sigh))29 MAR: I love those.30 ALA: Yeah I love those.

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31 MOM: Ooh 32 Mar: I haven’t had those since 8th grade.33 MOM: Ooh alright I’ll go get the slice and bakes and34 the ice cream?35 ALA: It’s fine mom36 MOM: No no I’ll run out now37 ALE: [Monz] that’s crazy38 MOM: No no I’ll go get them what kind of slice and bake39 do you like?40 ALA: You know [Monz] the ones that have the little41 they’re like … Alexa you know slice and bake 42 MOM: Which one are they?43 ALE: I thought those were slice and bakes44 ALA: The ones that have like the shapes…45 MOM: But like what? Are they Halloween?46 MAR: Like the little pumpkins? 47 ALA: Yeah48 MOM: Alright. Alright.49 ALA: No Ma it’s stupid to go out.50 ALE: Monz it’s crazy don’t go out don’t do it.51 MOM: Then dessert will wait52 ALA: That’s so stupid 53 MOM: I’ll get it so we can chew. I’ll get that and I’ll54 get what kind of ice cream do you have with your55 pie? Vanilla right?56 ALA: Ma that’s so stupid don’t…57 MOM: Alex will eat you Vanilla?58 ALE: Don’t do it…I’ll just…59 MOM: No no. I’ll do it. I’ll do it. 60 ALA: No. 61 MOM: Yeah.62 ALA: Then can I come?63 MOM: Yeah Alana will come with me. 64 MOM: Alright, I’ll be right back.65 ALA: Can I sit in the car66 MOM: Yeah67 ALA: Yay68 MOM: That way I’ll get what everybody wants okay and69 then we’ll have dessert. 70 MAR: We’ll wait for dessert.71 ALE: Can you get the turkey hill lowfat yogurt?72 MOM: Yeah. Alright.

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