dog went out

8/19/2019 Dog Went Out

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i n p e r s p e c t i v e

F U N N Y Y O U S H O U L D A S K

u y

Y O U

SHOULD ASK BYGARYTETZ

N urs ing ho m es go to the dogs

M

y dog hates freedom. He

hates it real bad. Every

Fourth of July, while

ihc rest of the nation celebrates

independence by detonating a

psychedelic minefield in the sky,

Fizbo' mounts a passionate pro-

test. With the rockets' red glare

reflected in his terrified eyes, he

barks hysterically and races around

the backyard

a s

though possessed,

deaf to our shouted commands,

and entirely iMicaCcbabk-. In the

absence ofa butterfly net, tranquil-

izer blowgun, or Haldol-soaked

piece of meat, we're forced to just

watch him, bemused, with our

fingers in our ears.

When the evening finally ends'"

we cake no comfort, because the

residual effects always linger long

aher the last explosion. For the

next several weeks, in fact, every

noise, every airplane passing

overhead, every star, every spark,

and every firefly will provoke the

same deranged response. Starting

about dusk, he patrols the patio,

just staring at the sky. It's kind of

pitiful, really. Like hes waiting in vain for

1 spaceship to take him home.

I'm no pet psychologist, but I'm pretty

sure Fizbo has PIDCSD.' A few more of

these patriotic pyrotechnic orgies and he'll

be headed for premature insanity. I worry

sometimes that eventually, as the dementia

progresses, he'll regress beyond my ability to

care for him. But now

I

can finally rest easy.

I just learned there's a brand-new nursing

home waiting for him—and it's only an

ocean away.

Seriously. This is absolutely true.^ While

recently conductinga routine Google search

for Iong-term care items in the news, an

Associated Press headline caught my eye:

"Japan to Open First-Ever Dog Nursing

Home"

Itseemsthatsomewhere near the Japanese

city of Tochigi, a pet products company

and a veterinary clinic have joined forces

to create a revolutionary doggy care experi-

ence. According to the article, the 20 aging

canine residents will receive round-the-clock

monitoring by doctors, specially fortified

food, and a team of puppies to help them

stay it and feel younger—al at the bargain

rate of 98,000 yen ($800) a month. It's

an intergenerationai Eden Alternative, in

reverse.

Apparently, a boom in pet ownership in

Japan, coupled with better health

care and a more balanced diet, ha

led to a surge in elderly pets.^ So

this pilot project works,

chances ar

we'll see similar ventures sproutin

al l over the Pacific R im When tha

happens, it can't b e

long

before on

opens in Fizbo's neighborhood, an

I'm crossing my

fingers

hat it wi

be in time.

But really, could it work here

The whole idea sounded preposte

ous to me at first, but alter furthe

reflection, m coming around. I

a regulatory and reimbursemen

environ ment ohen counterproduc

tive to providing quality care fo

actual people, this could be th

perfect alternate business mode

for fed-up American nursing hom

providers.

For one thing, these places mus

be simple and cost effective t

build. I've not seen the Japanes

prototype, but architecturai stan

dards for doghouses have neve

been particularly high^—prett

much either igloo or box Whethe

arranged in a circle or off double

loaded corridors, the 2 0 private

rooms

coul

be small, with low ceilings and minima

1

M y d o g .

2. W ho

are we kidding? Ttie Fourth ot July never really ends

deiiance ot al l o rd inances, a nd despite al l pleadings on bet

of the alOerly, the in f i rm, the infants, the war vetefans, t

graveyard shif ters, and the just piain sleepy, the explosio

go on, and on, and on into the wee hours of the morning

Francis Scott Key were still with us today, he'd Oe stand

at

his nursing home window shaking his fist at the hea

less crefins stil l bursting bombs in the air at 2 am . And

the morning,

on a notarized scrap of paper, he'd amend

nafionai anfhem lyric from gave proof through the nigh

to

gave proof until 11 p.m. or paid a hefty

fine.

3.

Post-Independence Day Canine Stress Disorder.

4 .

I read about it on the Internet, and that's proof enough

mel

5.

Isn' t that how we got so many tioomers?

50

• AUGUST 2007

WWW NURSINGHOMESMAGAZINE CO


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F U N N Y

Y O U

S H O U L

A S K

i n p e r s p e c t i v e

liyht. Furnishings would be sparse and

cheap: plastic foodand water dishes, acouple

squeaky toys, and maybe an old blanket or

torn T-shirt tossed on the floor/' No need co

spend money on private bathrooms either,

when

single, centrally located fire hydrant

could suffice.

There are millions of dog lovers, so I

imagine staffing would be easier in canine

care—once you get past the challenge of

finding people willing to enter the build-

ing on their hands and knees by pushing

ihrough an opening with a swinging flap.

Activity programs and personnel could be

almost totally discarded, since the old dogs

would be doing nothing but eating, drink-

ing, sleeping, and playing poker/

Such a facility would obviously be

boon

to its

community, aheacon for toleranceand

understan ding between species. At holiday

time, the dogs would rise from their poker

chairs, gather in the main lobby, and bark

jingle Bells to visitingschool groups. Th e

hearts of even the crustiest skeptics would

[Tielr watch ing these stately, dignified pets

lift their elegant gray chins and sing like

it's the old days.

But let's be fair and balanced about this.

The

financial

potentiai is clearly enormo us,

since one dog year in the facility would be

reimbursed as seven. Bringing canine care

to the United States would be extremely

challenging, and not just because the puppies

will chase the med carts. This is a highly

regulated and litigious environment, with

significant risk managem ent and co rporate

compliance issues to consider before jum p-

ing into anything paws first.

Howdoyouexplain HTPAA to 20barking

dogs, for instance How do you find adieta ry

manager who won't be constantly slipping

treats to all those sad, pleading faces? How

do you monitor unnecessary meds and stay

F329-compliant when the answer to every

question is Woof ? And most troubling

of all, what if the survey team turns out to

be a bunch of punitive cats? These are just

a few of the questions the serious investor

will have to chew on.**

That's whv today, for all but those 20

lucky Japanese pooches, nursing hom es for

dogs are little m ore than a dream. But with

your help, tomorrow could be the publicly

traded dawn of the Can ine C are Centers

of America.

One thing

is

certain—a nation of crazed

and shell-shocked Fizbos will soon des

perately need our help. Let's not Icl them

down. •

Gary Tetz is the former editor of SNALF.com and

SNALFnews.com and writes from Walla Walla Wash-

ington. Tasendyourcommentstottieauthorandeditors.

e-matlteti [email protected].

6. Allhough understand the Select Comfort and Tempur-Pedic

people are already collaborating on a steep numOered cloggy

bed made from space-age cedar chips.

7. Here s an idea: Put a couple pipes and a cheap cigar in their

mouths and take a Polaroid. Then find a community member

wh o

has

graduated from

a

correspondence

art

school

to

commit the scene to black velvet. Call it Dogs laying faker

and sell it on streel corners and at outdoor art sfiows. Use

the proceeds to buy more velvet, pipes, and cheap cigars.

Paint and repeat On second thoug ht, nah. It ll never work.

8. I can hear the groans all the way

to

Walta Walla.

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888-990-9394

• Fax: 952

745-0027

email: [email protected]

•

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Thcra-Glide

Safety Glider

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CIRCLE 30 ̂READER SEt^VICE CARD

NURSING HOMES/LONG TERM CARE MANAGEMENT • 51


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