Divorced Dads and the Holidayslit was one of those cards written to make you grin at the sarcasm

and I did chuckle. The card, decorated appropriately with redberries and green holly, read: "Don't let them destroy the hypocrisy of Christmas...It's the only part I enjoy!11

Even though such cartoons make us grin, they also remind us that the holidays canbe tough for some people.

Divorced dads particularly find the holidays often lonely and very sad. I remember aThanksgiving meal at a local Holiday Inn during my divorce. The food wasn't too bad,but the loneliness tasted horrible. And there was a Christmas Eve night spent atanother Holiday Inn just a few short blocks from where my kids were asleep in thehouse where I used to live with their mother.

The holidays, particularly Thanksgiving and Christmas, are tough on divorced dadsand their kids, and the first couple of years are often the roughest. This has to dowith the "family nature" of these special days, the holiday traditions, and memoriesof past years as an intact family.

Visitation usually means that parents alternate years and holidays, so it means everyother Thanksgiving and every other Christmas is going to be spent away from yourchildren. It's hard, but not impossible. Here are a few ideas to make the season amore enjoyable experience for you and your children:

1. Include the children in the planning. Let them help make the choices aboutwhen to celebrate the holidays and with whom. If you can't be together on thespecial day, plan a time when you can celebrate with the children. Be careful not toput a guilt trip on them about their desires for the holidays.

2. Avoid the guilt reaction. Many divorced dads, still reeling from their personalhurt and guilt, may be overwhelmed by these feelings and respond to the children'spain by overcompensating with money or gifts. They feel they need to make it up tothe kids or at least help them forget their sadness with lots of gifts.

The first Christmas after my divorce was obscene. The children received so manygifts from their mother and myself. I was embarrassed to have people look at mytree with so many gifts. I quickly learned that it didn't make the situation any easierto bear.

3. Help your children shop for their mom and stepparent(s). Children want togive gifts to the people in their lives just like adults do. Younger children have limitedfunds and often feel very awkward about buying gifts for the first few Christmasesafter the divorce. Make it easier on them by offering to help.

4. Allow the children to help with the Christmas cards. They can lick thestamps or seal the cards, and it's a good time to talk about all your friends andfamily members.

5. Build new family traditions. Divorced dads often make the mistake of trying toduplicate exactly what the family traditions were before the divorce. Create your own

traditions, and let the children share in the planning.

6. Give gifts that can help you and the children stay in touch. A nice box ofpersonalized stationery or their own personal cassette tape player with blank tapesmake nice gifts.

6. Read the Christmas story onto a cassette tape for the child to listen to onChristmas Eve if you can't he there with them. The Christmas story from The LivingBible and/or "Twas the Night Before Christmas" make two wonderful tapes, and theyounger children will particularly like hearing Dad's voice.

7. Write your children a special Thanksgiving or Christmas letter to read onthat special day. The Thanksgiving letter could be a list of all the things you arethankful for, including the children. The Christmas letter could be about the best giftsyou ever received-putting your children at the top of the list.

On those holidays when you are all alone, reach out to those children who do nothave a father who cares about them. Your church or the Salvation Army can help youfind these families. These holidays without the children can also be spent buildingyour ties to your personal family of origin. Visit with your own Mom and Dad, andcelebrate with them. It could be fun reliving your own childhood memories.

The pain of divorce seems the greatest at these family holidays. But a divorced dadwho anticipates these lonely days can turn them into celebrations of thankfulnessand joy. Your children will thank you for the memories!

Way Ion Ward M.Ed, is the director for the Dallas Center for Fathering, He is a formerfootball player for Texas A&M, a graduate of Dallas Theological Seminary and alicensed marriage and family counselor. He and his wife Lynn have six children intheir blended family.

Way I on Ward M.Ed.