8/3/2019 Discussing a move into care with parents capable of making their own decisions

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ssay: Discussing a move into care with parents capable of making their own decisions

By Peter Silin, Special to The Province October 21, 20110

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Peter Silin has worked professionally for 30 years in all areas of aging, caregiving and seniors housing. He has been a national eldercare consultant and keynote speaker around North America. Mr. Silin is the Principal of Diamond Geriatrics, an eldercare consulting firm providing case management, counselling, consultation on seniors housing, advocacy, and mediation.

Peter mangiola Rn has worked professionally for 30 years in all areas of aging,caregiving and seniors housing. He has been a national eldercare consultant andkeynote speaker around North America.

Surveys indicate over 90 per cent of seniors say they wish to end their lives intheir own homes. Often, however, adult children come to believe that their pare

nts may be better off in seniors housing. Broaching the subject is one of the most difficult conversations you can have.

It is common for people to feel anxious about talking to parents about the future. It acknowledges that parents are aging, and will eventually die; it is something you may not want to face, and engenders grief. This conversation may cross u

nspoken family boundaries. It is a point at which a child starts to care for parents, and not the other way around. Part of your fear may be about the reactionof your parents when you do bring up the subject.

Talking with your parents about housing will not be one conversation, but rathera series of conversations over time, sometimes weeks, sometimes months. You arediscussing a major life transition which is frightening. The decision is diffic

ult and takes time. They will have to grapple with the (mistaken) belief that they are giving up their independence. They will have to grieve for the home theyhave now, and prepare themselves for what will come. They may be afraid that this is the end of the line.

Be very clear with yourself about why you are bringing the subject up. Rememberthat your parents are adults, and they have the right to live at risk and to take risks. If they understand the risks and the potential consequences, you may have to back off and learn to handle your anxiety in a way that does not oversteptheir rights.

Do some groundwork before you have a talk with your parents. It will help make the conversation successful. Learn as much as you can about the types of both public and private housing available in your area. Visit some of them on your own and learn about admission and discharge processes. This will help you allay yourparents fears about what seniors housing is like, ideas they may have developed 20years ago when they faced the issue with their own parents. Learn about optionsfor making living at home a viable alternative.

Dont wait until the issue becomes a crisis. A discussion about housing is easiestwhen it is about what may be needed in the future. You need the time to discuss

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and to plan.

If you have siblings, discuss with them who is the right person to bring the subject up and how to do it together. Consider if the subject should be approachedfirst by the family physician. It may help to have a consultation with an eldercare consultant or even to have a meeting with the consultant and your parents.

Begin by choosing a time which is good for everyone. Start off by saying something like, There is something I need to talk to you about, and go from there. Let them know it is a conversation, and not an opening salvo in a war to take over control. You are there to support them, but also to share your concerns. You are problem-solving together.

People react differently to their children bringing up the subject of their future. Usually the subject is something they have thought about or spoken about with their spouse or friends. Hearing it from you may make them defensive, or it may be a relief. They may tell you not to worry about it. If the reaction is anger, remember that behind anger is often fear. Allow them to have the fear and their reactions.

Be prepared to listen, as well as to speak. Find out what they have been thinking and what they know about seniors housing. Learn about their fears, and what holds them back. For many people, the thought that comes to mind is, How will I everget rid of all this stuff?

You can talk about doing it gradually or introduce downsizing companies that specialize in work with seniors. You also might want to suggest visiting differenthousing with your parents for a lunch and a tour. They may find something very different from what was in their mind. You can be persistent, but gentle. You canalways say, OK, lets talk more about this some other time.

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