Dinner My WayBy Henry Alford

For each person make a cucumber boat. 7 Gently! Jesus! Don’t rip the

freaking skin! That’s gold, baby. All right. That’s done. Here comes the

ugly part. 5 Garnish with skinned grapes with seeds removed. Place upon

lettuce leaves and cover with mayonnaise. 8When this is done, drink immediately. 9

Place two slices of tomato on leaves of lettuce and top with timbale of cold

boiled rice. 8 Grabbing each one, pinch the belly, and squeeze until the

guts rush right out of the wazoo. Just to show them who’s their daddy. 5

When this is done, drink immediately. 9Even just writing this recipe down, its soothing qualities have quite

restored me from the fragile state in which I was. 10 Hypertension has no

cure but it is relatively easy to treat, usually with medication. 11 It seems

like only yesterday that I tipped the scales at a whopping 467 pounds.

Now, I’m healthier than I’ve ever been! 6 A host who revels in creativity

and all the flaws that make it real. 2So. Feel better now? Speak up! Just do it quickly. I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

You know this by now, right? Stop whining. 5

Clean and truss a young crane, and put it in an earthenware saucepan with

some water and vinegar, pepper and salt. 9 Make a hole with the point of

the knife just above the knee joint of one of the back legs between flesh and

skin. Put a stick in this hole and, turning it round, start to loosen the skin.

Blow through this opening until the air gets to the forelegs and makes

them stick up. 12 The results may be silly. 4They say that you have to hit the bottom before you work your way back,

and I am living proof of this. I needed help. 6 A number of years ago, in one

of the most gloriously self-indulgent episodes in my life, I literally ate my

way through a book I was working on. . . . 13 My doctor looked me in the

eyes and laid it out plain and simple. He said, ‘‘You are going to die.’’ 6 See

you at Sizzler. 5

Lay the clean picked bones on the table. 12 Wind the bones into a ring and

deep-fry in vegetable oil until crisp. 14 Cut off the head of a 10-pound

snapper turtle and let it bleed. 7Feed your snails for a fortnight on milk. 9 Rinse the lemon under cool

running water for one hour. 15 Since we must kill to eat, perhaps we rid

ourselves of guilt by forming rituals that say we are sorry for the neccessary

violence. 16

On top of each bowl place a cluster of crispy ear. 10 Pour several teaspoons of

honey over the skins and percolate in bourbon. Float the Pernod. Float the

151-proof rum. Float the Crème Yvette. Ignite the Scotch; toss the burning

liquor and the water from mug to mug. Float the grapefruit in the flaming

glogg; pour in the aquavit (even if it overflows) and ignite. Extinguish with

a quart of boiling water; stir and serve hot. 17This dish was written up in InStyle magazine. 18 Its simple honesty rarely

fails to seduce. 19

1. Crescent Dragonwagon, ‘‘Passionate Vegetarian.’’

2. ‘‘Katie Brown Entertains.’’3. ‘‘Charlie Trotter’s Cookbook.’’4. James Beard, ‘‘Menus for Entertaining.’’5. ‘‘Anthony Bourdain’s Les Halles Cookbook.’’

6. George Stella, ‘‘Eating Stella Style.’’7. ‘‘James Beard’s New Fish Cookery.’’8. Henri Kegler, ‘‘Fancy Salads of the Big Hotels.’’

9. Pilaff Bey, ‘‘Venus in the Kitchen.’’10. Fergus Henderson, ‘‘The Whole Beast.’’11. Karen A. Levin, ‘‘Hypertension Cookbook.’’

12. Z. Guinaudeau, ‘‘Traditional Moroccan Cooking.’’

13. James Beard, ‘‘Beard on Food.’’14. Nobuyuki Matsuhisa, ‘‘Nobu: The Cookbook.’’

15. Michel Bras, ‘‘Essential Cuisine.’’16. Carolyne Roehm, ‘‘At Home With Carolyne Roehm.’’

17. Bob Sennett, editor, ‘‘Complete World Bartender Guide.’’

18. Tyler Florence, ‘‘Tyler Florence’s Real Kitchen.’’

19. Richard Olney, ‘‘The French Menu Cookbook.’’

20. Patti LaBelle with Laura B. Randolph, ‘‘LaBelle Cuisine.’’

21. Rick Bayless with JeanMarie Brownson and Deann Groen Bayless,

‘‘Salsas That Cook.’’22. Parents’ Magazine Press, ‘‘The First Ladies Cook Book.’’

Once I have settled on the theme, I do not stray. 16

It’s not rational I know, but I have a serious thing about my plastic

containers. I will give you the food off my stove and shirt off my

back, but not my Tupperware! That I want back!And I don’t mean a month or two later. People think I’m kidding

when I tell them they have to return it within a week, but I’m not.

Just ask my niece Stayce. A month after I’d sent her home with

several containers full of food, she still hadn’t brought them back. I

called her up and had a hissy fit. I must have fussed at Stayce a good

10 minutes before I realized she was crying. . . .‘‘I’m sorry I made you cry, Baby,’’ I said, ‘‘but bring me my

containers by the weekend.’’ 20Allow your human side to emerge by holding up your mistakes

proudly and inviting all to find the fun in your attempt. 2 I think

it’s just about the most perfect non-lettuce salad you can make. 21

One gallon of gin, mixed with one pint clear syrup; add a tincture

made by macerating one pound of fresh-cut celery roots and one ounce

of fennel in pure spirit for two days. 9 Pour over your liver and eat. 5

Place cranberries in eyes, a carrot or lemon or apple in mouth.

Lower the eyelids and fasten shut. 22

Rick Landers

Henry Alford is the author of “Municipal Bondage” and “Big Kiss.”

`

Welcome to this book, this feast. 1 I wrote this book to encourage others to start their own traditions. To help others find their own

way to celebrate. 2 For me, purity is the only true approach. 3 Nothing is better in the morning than the enlivening vodka drinks. . . . I have

a predilection for rising early, and when I am preparing for a dinner party, I enjoy rising at 5 or 5:30 and going straight from the bath to

the kitchen. I call this ‘‘cooking in the nude.’’ 4 Food respects confidence, and abhors uncertainty. 5 By embracing my imperfections,

I hope to encourage others to feel at home with this book. 2 It’s all bueno! 6

23THE NEW YORK TIMES BOOK REVIEW