derek thompson, david french the little book of cynics 2007 (1)

Crombie JardinePUBLISHING LIMITED

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www.crombiejardine.com

This edition was first published byCrombie Jardine Publishing Limited in 2007

Copyright Derek Thompson and David French, 2007

All rights are reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means,electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the

prior written permission of the publisher.

ISBN 978-1-906051-00-6

Written by Derek Thompson and David French

Typesetting and cover design by Ben Ottridge

Printed by William Clowes, Beccles, Suffolk

Little Book of Cynics2.pmd 14/11/2006, 10:562

ContentsIntroduction .........................5

Aphorisms .............................9

Questions ........................... 58

Instructions and Precepts .. 73

Wisdom of Life ................ 102


4THE LITTLE BOOK OF CYNICS


5INTRODUCTIONCynics are as old as Manhimself. Ancient sources tell ofAdam who, when seeing Evefor the first time, muttered,Uh-oh. There goes FreeWill. If Adam was indeed thefather of the human race and,as such, the progenitor ofcynicism is it any surprise hischildren are just like him?



In fact, it was Antisthenes,a follower of Socrates, whogot the ball officially rolling.The original philosopherCynic sought happinessthrough virtue, rejecting theobsessions of the time:pleasure, fame, fortune andpower. Antisthenes, its said,once declared, I would rathergo mad than experiencepleasure not someone youdwant on your list of weddingguests.


7Nowadays, the word cynichas been relegated to asynonym of doubter ,pessimist or sceptic.But, given our modernpreoccupations with pleasure,fame, fortune and power,maybe we need cynics morethan ever. Perhaps theirs is thatsmall, sane voice amid the roarof instant gratification, 24-hour television, mediamanipulation and marketing.

INTRODUCTION



Or perhaps we just wanted tosell a book. But, of course were not that cynical. Are we?


9APHORISMS


10

THE LITTLE BOOK OF CYNICS

He who laughslast will probably

be laughed at next.

A fool and hismoney are a joy

to behold.


11

APHORISMS

A thing of beautyis a marketingopportunity.

Two heads arebetter than one,but its hard to

find a hat that fits.


12


When the pupilis ready the guruwill rip him off.

Never look agift-horse in the

mouth whileit exhales.


13

In the kingdomof the bland the

one-idea-ed manis king.

The journey ofa thousand miles

begins on thewrong airplane.

APHORISMS


14


The fruit ofsuccess is rootedin the manureof publicity.

Mosquito is deadlybut fleas a jolly

good fellow.


15

A middle-agedman and his hairare soon parted.

The early bird isprobably hungry.

The wages of sinare tax-free.

APHORISMS


16


When one doorcloses another

trap-door opens.

A horse maybe capable of greatgenerosity, but anoyster will only

ever be shellfish.


17

Happy is theman that findethwisdom, for the

cheap merchandisethereof contains

the quality of gold.

APHORISMS


18


Blessed are themeek, for theyexpect little and

get little.


19

People who livein glass houses

shouldnt expect tobe cool in summer

and warm in winter.

People who livein glass houses dothey have windows?

APHORISMS


20


Send a fool tomarket and hell

sell himself.

Not only is moneythe root of all evil,its a proven cause

of smugness.


21

Life is short, art islong, and opera is

interminable.

APHORISMS


22


It is easier fora camel to pass

through the eye ofa needle than for arich man to submit

his tax-returnshonestly.


23

Not even faith canmove EU CommonAgricultural Policyfood mountains.

APHORISMS


24


Judge abusinessman by

the companies hekeeps bankrupting.

One mans meatis another mansE.coli infection.


25

That which doesnot kill me only

damages meirreparably.

A friend in needis a burden.

APHORISMS


26


As soon as he isborn man beginsto die. For relief,

man in his wisdominvented taxes.

Appearances can becompletely accurate.


27

As you sow, soshall you develop

backache.

Great leaders areborne.

Factions speaklouder than herds.

APHORISMS


28


Marriage proofthat prison doesnt

work.


29

Life is a series ofups and downs.Today, youre in

despair, buttomorrow youll

be restored tomisery again.

APHORISMS


30


Its always darkestjust before it goes

pitch black.

Dont put allyour eggs in one

fertility clinic.


31

One mans lossis another manspension shortfall.

What some callsafety in numbersaccountants call

cooking the books.

APHORISMS


32


A patient friendloveth at all times,

but phoning at 3amis plain stupid.


33

There is a way thatseemeth right unto aman, but a woman

shall always findsomething wrong

with it.

APHORISMS


34


Nothing ismore stupid thanstriking a man especially a manwho strikes back.


35

Where there areprawns there are

probably crackers.

APHORISMS


36


Before Enlighten-ment, chop wood;

after Enlightenment,install central

heating.


37

Where twofat people are

gathered a thirdshall find hispath blocked.

Children shouldbe seen and not

hoodies.

APHORISMS


38


Man that is born ofJewish woman hasbut few years if he

forgets her birthday.

Behind everysuccessful marriageis a mistress trying

to get out.


39

Behind everyCaesar is a Brutus.

Cast thy netsupon the watersand thou shalt

deplete fish stocks.

APHORISMS


40


All the worlds astage and everyone

thinks hes theproducer.

He who lives bythe sword shallprobably die a

clich.


41

Better late thandead.

Happy the bridewho comes to hersenses before theceremony ends.

APHORISMS


42


Its always darkestjust before dawn.

But then it rains allday and your roofblows off. Then it

gets dark again.


43

The way to amans heart attackis a full-fat diet.

Theres no suchthing as misogyny:

theres just oestrogenintolerance.

APHORISMS


44


Rejection itsjust lifes way of

telling you yourenot wanted.


45

Swimming notonly a great wayto keep fit but a

wonderfulopportunity to

urinate in apublic place.

APHORISMS


46


Walking theperfect way to give

your arse a rest.

In life, there are thecans and the cants.Most people are a

bit of a cant.


47

Germanphilosophy is a

Nietzsche market.

Too many cooksspoil the TV

schedule.

APHORISMS


48


Many vans makelight removal

work.

A rolling stonerefuses to stop

touring.


49

A splash in the panis worth two damppatches on the floor.

An apple a daykeeps the doctor

idle on a 250,000a year salary.

APHORISMS


50


All good thingsmust come to anend before 1am

(according to theEnvironmental

Health Authority).


51

Bovinism the lastrefuge of the cow.

Man cannot liveby bread alone,especially if hes

gluten-intolerant.

APHORISMS


52


Celebrities living proof that

evolution can takea wrong turn.


53

Farming makes aman sensitive to thewondrous cycles of

Nature. Plus, itbeats starving.

School holidays the happiest days ofyour teachers lives.

APHORISMS


54


Out of themouths of babes

and sucklings comesgreen puke.

To an Englishbatsman there is norest for the wicket.


55

It is better to giveviolent blows than

to receive.

Beauty is onlyas deep as your

finances willafford cosmetic

dermatology.

APHORISMS


56


A lie for a lie, atruth for a truth.

A bimbos eyes arethe glazed windows

of her soul.


57

Better to have loveand lust than neverto have lust at all.

APHORISMS


58


QUESTIONS


59

Which sandwichcame first the

chicken or the egg?

Why do inter-nationally famousclairvoyants need

to advertise?

QUESTIONS


60


Self-help groups arent they acontradiction

in terms?


61

If Mithras isRoman, Jehovah isJewish and Minerva

is Greek, whatexactly is thelanguage ofthe Gods?

QUESTIONS


62


When humanbeings were givenFree Will did they

have a choice in thematter?

If meat is murder,arent vegetablesmanslaughter?


63

Who needs FreeWill when we havethe government to

decide for us?

QUESTIONS


64


If a debit card takesmoney out of youraccount shouldnta credit card put

money in?


65

When theyexperiment onanimals whydont they tryexperimenting

with compassion?

QUESTIONS


66


If coffee isconsidered a cash

crop why dofarmers get the

least cash from it?


67

Why ban smokersfrom public placeswhen you can have

much more funby banning themfrom breathing

out?

QUESTIONS


68


Why arent chipsserved in vegetarian

restaurants?

If the best thingsin life are free whyare luxury goods

so expensive?


69

If no man is anisland then whatexactly is the Isle

of Man?

Why are thereno new Chinese

proverbs?

QUESTIONS


70


How can therebe a world-wide

conspiracy if peoplealready suspect?

If dolphins areso intelligent howcome they cantride a bicycle?


71

What wouldhappen if a vampirebit a werewolf and

vice-versa?

Why are cheapthings cheerful?

QUESTIONS


72


If chocolate isbetter than sex

why do the stainslook more suspect?

If time is arelative concept,does this explain

all-day breakfasts?


73

INSTRUCTIONSAND PRECEPTS


74


Supportinternational

charities. For itis written the

begging-bowl ofthy neighbour will

look good in anart gallery.


75

Do unto otherswhile their backs

are turned.

INSTRUCTIONS AND PRECEPTS


76


Dont tell memoney doesntbuy happiness.Give me somemoney and letme find out for

myself.


77

Politics askno questions and

hear no spin.

Dont countyour chickens

until theyve beenvaccinated against

Bird Flu.



78


Stop seizing theday. Let someoneelse have it for a

change.

Life is sweet:brush your teeth

after everyincarnation.


79

Go green andsave energy stopmowing the lawn.

Dont cross yourbridges till you

know why theresheavy traffic coming

the other way.



80


When you callouslyend affairs, dont

assume all therepercussions willremain one-sided:your lovers partner

will be scarredfor life, too.


81

If you enjoy anopen marriage,dont be afraid

to go to extremes.Try dating singlepeople, just for

a change.



82


Maybe you thinkthe overweightdont try hard

enough, but everyday in every waytheyre getting

butter and batter.


83

Unclutter your life just buy a really

big house.



84


Reduce your stressby learning tobreathe slowly.Increase others

stress by practisingon the telephone.


85

Learn to meditateby taking time to

observe yourthoughts

especially theones in bikinis.



86


Do everything inmoderation: that

includes doingeverything inmoderation.


87

When nextyoure dismayedby rain, considerthat it falls on the

righteous andsinful alike, butit also falls on

womens t-shirts.



88


Keep a record of allthe bad things

youve ever done.Make up some moreand add them. Sell it

to a newspaper.Do bad things on

the proceeds till theyrun out. Repeat.


89

Strive forExcellence ratherthan Perfection its worth more in

Scrabble.



90


Take a differentroute to work it

will ruin yourstalkers day.


91

Challengesare wonderfulopportunitiesto look at Lifedifferently: try

standing on oneleg and squinting.



92


If clouds really hadsilver linings they

wouldnt float.

Did you hear aboutthe prodigal cigarettemanufacturer? He

was led ashtray.


93

Two men lookedout of prison bars;The first saw mud

and the second stars.The second stood onthe head of the first;The first must have

been concussed.



94


Do you own aboat? Does it havea large stern and

move aroundaimlessly? Are youconfident it wontgo down? Thenwhy not name itafter your wife?


95

Is there someoneyou love but

youre just nogood at givingcompliments?Why not say

something hurtfulinstead?



96


Only small peopleinsist size doesnt

matter.

Give Europeans 39inches and theyll

take a metre.


97

Incompatibilityoccurs when yourspirit is willing buther flesh is repulsed.

Carpenters manyare called but few

are affordable.



98


Always look bothways when youcross the road up and down.

Blessed are the poorfor they are least

likely to buy theirway out of poverty.


99

A trainee jugglerand his skittles are

soon parted.

Empty vessels makethe most television

appearances.



100


A bird maydefecate on a snakebut a snake wouldbe hard pushed torespond in kind.


101

Do a brand newthing and theyllhave to create anew crime todescribe it.


102


WISDOMOF LIFE


103

Good mannerscost nothing.Cable not so.

WISDOM OF LIFE


104


At first I weptbecause I had no

shoes. Then I meta man who had nofeet; he didnt haveany shoes for me,

either.


105

Come to the edge,he said. We are

afraid, they said.But they came tothe edge and he

pushed them. Andthey sank like

stones.

WISDOM OF LIFE


106


History tells usthat pigs played aspecial part in thelives of the Celts

and were attributedwith the power of

prophecy. Also,they were quite

nice to eat.


107

Many arevolutionary

thinker has turnedthe philosophicalworld on its headjust to empty the

coins from itspockets.

WISDOM OF LIFE


108


Piggy-eyed, short,fat, bald man,tendsto sweat profusely,35, unemployed,

still a virgin, seeksunbelievably

dumb blonde.


109

Soul-mate wanted.No DSS or pets.

What thecaterpillar calls theend of the world,the master calls a

clumsy foot.

WISDOM OF LIFE


110


Red sky at night abuildings alight.

Red sky at morning it must have beenhighly flammable.

Judge not, lest yehave a newspaper

column.


111

Dolphins murderfish. Moral:

smiling makeseverythingacceptable.

WISDOM OF LIFE


112


The man witha large shovelwill always be

welcome at theElephant House.

Pet a friendly dogor cat but never on

the first date.


113

Have goals foryourself. Then afootball pitch.

Pretty soon youllhave your own

team.

WISDOM OF LIFE


114


Stretch your limitsa little each day;

we all need saggylimits.


115

Know yourlimitations and letothers know themtoo, by consistently

failing.

WISDOM OF LIFE


116


Try putting airfreshener in your

car and then shit inthe boot. After that

its a straightcontest.


117

Rememberyou always have

options, includingnot remembering

that.

WISDOM OF LIFE


118


The planet spinsthrough space at

thousands of milesper hour. At that

sort of speed,accidents areinevitable.


119

Practise non-resistance but

dont be surprisedif you routinely

end up at the backof the queue.

WISDOM OF LIFE


120


Treat a badrelationship as a

learning opportunity -why not learn

how to keep yourpartner faithful?


121

Every dog has itsday its July 26th,National Dog Day.

WISDOM OF LIFE


122


Necessity is themother of invention

but servitude isa bastard.

Every day in everyway Im becomingless self-centred.


123

Like fatherlike son but withless money and

more hair.


ISBN 1-905102-76-3, 2.99


ISBN 1-905102-65-8, 2.99


ISBN 1-905102-59-3, 2.99


ISBN 1-905102-75-5, 2.99


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CoverCopyrightContentsIntroductionAphorismsQuestionsInstructions And PreceptsWisdom Of Life

derek thompson, david french the little book of cynics 2007 (1)

Documents

little book of cynicswhen

little book of cynicsor

little book of cynicshe

aphorismslittle book

introductionlittle book

suffolklittle book of

little book of cynicsin

copyright derek thompson