DEPARTURE

ByPeter O’Connor

http://peteraoconnor.blogspot.com.au/https://www.facebook.com/pages/Peter-

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© Peter O’Connor 2015All rights reserved.

Despite the late hour the airportwas packed. People who had arrivedhours ago looking fresh and excitedabout their journeys now sat or laysprawled wherever they could find aspace, bedraggled and fed-up. The airinside the terminal was clammy andfull of murmurs of discontent. Therehad been a security incident in Sydneyand here in Heathrow they’d decidedto adopt a policy of telling us as littleas possible.

I stood leaning on a trolley thatheld our cases. My two children weresat on top playing a game, Jamie withhis toy gorilla and Hailey with herbeloved Winnie the Pooh. I was glad

that for now they were oblivious tosecurity threats but I suspected theyfelt the undercurrents of events closerto home.

We were in a queue waiting to bechecked in but it wasn’t moving. Thecases held everything that we ownedthat wasn’t being shipped and thatshipment wouldn’t arrive for a couplemonths. I was still fretting abouthaving put things in the shipment thatwe would need but of course it wastoo late now anyway. That ship hadsailed. At this rate it may even arrivebefore us.

A lot of people who had beenqueuing had given up and either gone

outside or found somewhere to sit.The rest of us waited patiently as wecould. It didn’t mean that we werejoyful at our predicament. No, wesimply knew that rampaging aroundshouting at people, getting redder andredder in the face and generallyworking ourselves into a state ofapoplexy wasn’t going to helpanybody. Geoff obviously saw thingsdifferently.

Maybe he thought I would joinhim. Other’s had. The leadershipcourse he’d attended last year hadobviously benefited him enormously.He was revelling in his role ofspokesperson for the angry masses.

Who really is he though, I wondered,this shouting man, with his jowlycheeks and his slightly-too-big-for-a-man lips, his assertive business bellyand expensive suit. Is he the man Imarried or has some evil doppelgangertaken over his body? You’d think, giventhe choice, any right thinkingdoppelganger would pick a better one.

I looked back at my husband’sfollowers, trying in vain to gulp downon the surges of pride his actions wereinvoking in me. Both men and womenhad rallied to his banner. They werefuming, this collective of the irate.They were scowling and frowning,pointing their fingers and shaking their

heads. Maybe they would stoke eachother’s fury so much that in a momentof mass psychosis they would all go onthe rampage, attacking those thatsought to deny them their wants,tearing them limb from limb, smearingthe blood of their victims all over theirbodies and gorging themselves on theflesh. And if they couldn’t get theirhands on them, then maybe they’djust attack random things aroundthem, pot-plants, chairs, pick and mixsweetie wagons.

Finding an element of humour inall of this was tricky. In truth, theywere giving me a headache. I began tounderstand why ear-drums were so-

called. Mine felt like they were beingbeaten with clubs.

Suddenly he swivelled on his heelsand strode back towards me, everyinch of him a study of anger. I flinchedas he started yelling at me. The wordsthat came out of his mouth were likeflames scorching the air around myface. I bit my lip. Hailey rescued me bystarting her own wailing lament. Hercries were filled with water. Perhapsthey would counter his fire? I pickedher up and held her like a shieldagainst him. Immediately I felt guiltyand not just for one thing. I have aninnate gift for multiple levels of guilt.Because I could not meet his bulging

brown eyes I looked into Hailey’swatery blue ones. When I glanced upagain he was gone. Now that’s magic.

She was heavy my little one. Not solittle as she used to be. She wasn’treally a crier but she was a sensitivelittle soul. Too much like her mother.The world was going to destroy herwith a million little hurts. She got thislook in her eyes sometimes whensomebody had done wrong by her thatwas so full of sorrow that to see itnearly broke your heart in two. Theworld shouldn’t be like this, it said. And it shouldn’t. But it is.

The woman behind the check-indesk fended off the irate mob as best

as she could. She did her best tomaintain a calm professional manner. Icould see the little girl that she used tobe and the pout that she did her bestto suppress now. It’s not her fault, Iwanted to shout. Leave her alone. Iwouldn’t though; I would probably stillstand here if they did all decide toattack her. Dominant people cast aweird spell when they’re angry. I can’tunderstand it but it seems to robothers of their will so that theycouldn’t act even if they wanted to, nomatter what atrocity they werebeholding.

I was upstairs on a bus one time.There was just me and an old lady.

Two youths came up and attacked her.They punched her in the face and tookher handbag. I sat petrified; Iremember thinking somebody shoulddo something but there was only me.They didn’t even hurry. When theywere finished they grinned at me likethey had my number to ten decimalplaces and they had because all I coulddo was drop my eyes and pray to Godthat I wasn’t next.

It was a hard thing to get over and Idon’t think I ever really have. Comingoff the bus I felt so full of anger andadrenaline I wanted to kill somebody,but there was nowhere for my anger togo. Eventually I just broke down. I

disappoint myself so much.

I thought motherhood wouldchange me, thought it would bring outsome latent maternal strength. Iwanted to protect my children. Simplyprotecting them from all the harm ofthe world, all the horrors wrought byhumanity wasn’t enough. In order toactually improve the world I wanted tomake them better people. That’s why Itried to protect them fromentitlement. I got this idea into myhead a few years ago. I thought I hadexperienced an insight. Surely this waswhere humanity had been going wrongall along. Once people think they’reentitled to something - that’s it. They

become mean and angry. They alsospend quite a lot of time beingunhappy, because once you start ondown the road of entitlement there’sno turning back. You just keep findingnew things to think that you’reentitled to.

It was hard to keep up this crusadethough. I reminded my little people,my boy and my girl that they were solucky to have all the wondrous naturalthings around them, that they weretruly blessed but I couldn’t keep themaway from other children and whenthey saw their friends with things thatthey weren’t allowed to have a seedwas planted in them.

My feet grew sore. Haley beganwriggling in my arms so I put her down;her eyes were tired and puffy but hertears had stopped. She put her littlehand into mine.

***

This whole business, thisemigrating came from an unguardedcomment from me. I said, “Geoff, canyou imagine, if you had your choiceand the money to do it, just pickingsomewhere in the world to live andjust going.”

We were sitting watching aprogram about Australia. Geoff said, “Idon’t get you sometimes. I go out and

work all the hours God sends. I breakmy back for you to give you everythingthat you need, clothes, your car-“

“Geoff, I didn’t mean-“

“You fucking did mean Marian! Youdid! So where do you want to go?Where in the world do you want to goto make you happy?”

Anywhere away from you, youfucking prick, was what I felt likereplying. But I just said, “There looksnice.”

“Fine. Marian we’ll go there.”

***

I demand that an airplane befound. I demand that my family be puton it and flown to their desireddestination. I demand that you affect amore suitably obsequious manner inyour dealing with me. Geoff’s demandsdidn’t work. The moment of masspsychosis never happened either.Eventually they all got fed up ofshouting. Geoff still returned asthough he’d won a great victory.

“They’re going to put us up in ahotel. The wanted to put us up in acrappy one but I wasn’t having any ofit. The bastards. They’re paying for thecab to and from as well. C’mon let’sget the flock out of here.”

“Daddy said a swear word,” Jamiesaid, delighted. Daddy was Jamie’shero. Long may it last, I thought. Isuspected that I was shortly to becomethe villain.

“I said ‘flock’,” Geoff said.

“You said, ‘Bastards’,”

Geoff gave me a look that said,they don’t miss a thing do they? He canbe quite sweet sometimes. A lot of thetimes. Some of the times. Well,nobody is an ogre full time are they?

“Just ‘cos I say it doesn’t meanyou’re allowed to.”

“But-“

“I mean it,” he said, allauthoritarian.

“That’s hardly fair.”

“Don’t cheek your father.”

Jamie didn’t reply. It was as thoughthe argument has sapped him of hislast reserve of energy. The minute wegot into the cab both the kids wereasleep. I had a hard job keeping myeyes open myself. It was 1.23 in themorning. I leaned my head back on theback seat and looked out the backwindow, upwards at the pinkish blobsof fluorescence that floated by atregular intervals. A perpetual drizzleseeped from the night time sky. The

engine of the car was the only realsound. It sounded to me like someonesaying a prolonged sssshhhhh.

An insistent tapping on my footwoke me up. It was Geoff, from thefront seat, letting me know we’darrived. I wasn’t happy at thedisturbance. I had an urge to kick hisfingers and hopefully break a couple.Instead I said, “All right,” testily andbegan to rouse the kids. Jamie wokeeasily enough but he was stupid-tiredand Geoff had to grab him as hewondered aimlessly off in the directionof the road. Hailey wouldn’t bewakened at all, as is her wont. I pickedher up and was glad to see the porters

from the hotel taking care of ourluggage.

The lights and colours from thefoyer hurt my eyes. There was way toomuch red used throughout. Redrum, Ithought absently and had a little giggleto myself. Geoff looked at me sidelong,a funny look. He would probablyfollow it with a funny look to the hotelreceptionist. How eloquent a look itwould be. It would say, the things Ihave to put up with, or, don’t worryshe’s not dangerous, or simply, don’tblame me. And the receptionist wouldaffect a turning up of the cheeks thatcouldn’t in a million years be classedas a smile whilst perhaps wondering if

the fat fool was done pulling faces. Icouldn’t confirm if any of this actuallyhappened as tiredness had robbed myeyes of their ability to move. I wasstaring happily at small liver colouredportion of the strange artwork behindthe desk.

The trouble started a moment afterI’d closed the door after tipping theporters. There is a certain joy in thatmoment when you close the door onthe world. It doesn’t even have to bethe door of your home. In this case itwas the door of a hotel and I was veryvery happy to be closing it because Iknew that in about 20 seconds I’d beasleep. But Geoff spoilt that moment.

He spoilt it by pulling me away fromthe door and running down the hallafter the porters.

“Geoff!” I said. “Geoff?” He’d hurtmy arm.

“C’mere you.” He shouted afterthem. “Fuck sake!”

He stormed back into the room.The door handle struck my hippainfully and I let out a yelp.

“What are you doing standingbeside the door?” he asked like I wasresponsible for all the ills of the world.

“I was closing the door, Geoff.Closing it until I was manhandled out

of the way so you could go runningdown the corridor-“

“Marian, none of the beds aremade in this room. They’ve been sleptin by other people. Did you tip themfuckers?”

I shrugged minutely.

“Fuckin’ hell Marian. Did they goout of their way and provide extraservice? Do you know what they did?They bloody ignored me when I wascalling them.”

“Geoff.”

“Little shits. I can’t believe youactually tipped them. You don’t have

to tip every fucker under the sunMarian. You’re not a charity.”

“Geoff.” I said it a little moreinsistently this time.

“I’m going to get us another room.This is a bleedin’ nightmare so it is. Icannot actually believe the shit thatI’m expected to put up with.”

“GEOFF!” I screamed it this time.This got his attention. He ran at meeye’s blazing slapped his big meatyhand over my mouth like a gag,pushing me against the wall with hismomentum.

“Marian! For the lamb of divineJaysus, what are you screaming

about?” He took his hand away andheld it out in front of my face like athreat. His face was puzzled and vexed.“What?” he demanded.

Hailey started crying and Jamiestood looking at us, frightened out ofhis wits. It was good to know that wewere making their childhoodsmemorable.

I shook my head. “I don’t want tomove Geoff.”

“What do you mean? We have tomove.”

“No we don’t.”

“The beds-“

“I don’t want to know.”

“-have been bloody slept in.”

“I don’t want any more hassles.”

“We can’t sleep here.”

“I am not –“I glanced at the kids,“effing moving.”

“It’s not up for discussion, Marian.Somebody has been sleeping in thisroom.”

“Yes and now we will, if you canpossibly bring yourself to overlook afew tossedy sheets.”

“A few fucking tossedy sheets?

Someone could have been tossing offin the fucking tossedy sheets Marian.”

“No!”

Geoff took a step back. His wholeface twisted slowly filling up withpurple blood. That’s what it lookedlike to me. I knew that he would hitme. He was too angry not to and therewas no other outlet. I had a brief flashof the cartilage in my nose splittingwith impact. I had an image of my lipssplitting and the taste of blood in mymouth. Geoff didn’t hit me. He’d neverhit me. Instead he glared at me with alook of incomprehension. A look thatsaid, who the hell is this woman, or, atwhat stage did she go over the edge

into complete lunacy, or, why is shebeing so irrational, is it her period?

Geoff went over to the phone andstarted pushing buttons. I went over tothe kids and tried to console them. Ithought, men and women and ourrespective roles? Some things neverchange. For the next five minutesGeoff roared down the phone and Isoothed and whispered.

Ten minutes after that we were ina different room with crisp cleansheets. The kids were asleep andreassured that the world was a niceplace. I was suddenly wide awakethough. Geoff was sitting on the bedwhen I returned from tucking them in.

He paused with one sock in his handand the other on his foot. I pausedwith the glass of scotch half way to mylips. I guess it was one of those sizingup sort of moments.

“Are you having a drink?”

By way of answer I tilted the glassat him before knocking back thecontents.

“Mar?”

“What Geoff?”

Geoff made an unfathomablegesture with his sock. His eye’s lookedshiny all of a sudden.

“Try,” he said.

“I am trying Geoff. Unfortunatelyso are you.”

“I just thought we could-“But Ididn’t hear the rest because I turnedand went back to the mini bar. When Icame back with my glass freshlytopped up and another that I wasgoing to give to Geoff – an olive branch– he wasn’t there. He must have goneto the toilet.

I slid aside the balcony door andslipped out into the cool night air,shivering briskly at its touch. Thebalcony wasn’t huge but it was largeenough for a small table and two

chairs without being cluttered. I putGeoff’s drink down on the table andstepped over to the wall. It was quite aview. Off to the left were the distantlights of the airport. Straight aheadwere fields and darkness but over tothe right the motorway slanted downfrom the hills into the outer suburbs ofthe city and beyond that was the hazyorange glow of the city itself. In a cityso big, I wondered how many otherpeople were out staring at the night.

After a while I got too cold to stayoutside. The room within was indarkness, Geoff lay in his bed rumblingsoftly in his sleep.

Geoff wasn’t coming to Australia.

He’d come along to see the kids offand to provide a sense of normality forthem.

6 months ago in the midst ofplanning the whole adventure itbecame obvious to me that he didn’twant to come along. But he didn’twant to stop me and I didn’t want himto stop me – so we had that.

Now as I stood looking at himrumbling away in the darkness Iwanted to feel something for him. Icould acknowledge that he was a goodman but somehow that still didn’tmean I felt anything for him at all.

***

We stood patiently in line. But thistime there was no security threat atthe other end. Geoff helped us withour bags while we checked them in.We went for a meal together andafterwards walked down to thedeparture gates. When we got therewe stopped. I made a show of lookingin my bag for the tickets. Geoff stoodrubbing his forehead as if he wasgetting a headache.

‘You’ve got the ticket and all?’ heasked. I managed to pull them outthough my hands were shaking all of asudden.

‘Tickets- check,’ I said trying tosmile. He reached out a hand to me,

stopped himself and then did it again.When I stood forward and hugged himhe nearly crushed me.

‘Take care of yourself Mar.’ hewhispered close to my ear, ‘and takecare of the kids.’ I could feel wetnesson my cheek and I didn’t know if it wasmy tears or his.

There had been a lot of tears sincethe divorce. But sometimes life is hardand sometimes you have to do hardthings. It was going to be hard onGeoff, my taking his children awayfrom him. But it wasn’t exactly easy forme.

“It’s for the best,” I mumbled. He

couldn’t reply, swallowing his grieftook up all his strength.

He hugged the kids and I supposedI could hear the sound of his heartcracking right down the middle as histears flowed once more.

I took one of their hands in each ofmine and turned my back on thesorrowful man. I had a new life tobegin.