Catie

Were so sorry you felt that we treated you disrespectfully, and can only assure you that it was absolutely not our intent!We worry that maybe you misunderstood what we were trying to do, in our awkward, clumsy way. You see, as you mentioned, were into fun and happinessthats a part of what makes our parties so enjoyable for the people who come over. We felt that would be the best sort of atmosphere for the leavers party. It was pretty clear that you wanted to use the venue as a forum for discussion of your mental issues, despite our attempts at changing the subject and obvious disinterest. While we have nothing but the deepest respect for your struggles, we sometimes lament your tendency to dominate conversation with ceaseless self-pity.

See, we feel that its very important to take the feelings of others into account. Often, this means putting our own feelings asideat least temporarily.

We both feel (and were not alone in this) that this is an area in which you struggle. We know that you dont want to hear this, and honestly, we dont want to be the ones to tell you, but you arent exactly a very empathetic person. We understand that you often imagine yourself to be extremely empathetic, but its pretty obvious to us (and most everyone else) that if you have some sort of empathy disorder, its one that makes you virtually incapable of understanding the emotions of others.

Have you ever noticed the incredulous looks people give you when, upon arriving at a gathering, you approach one of them and say something like, What happened to you? You look awful! We never really minded this; it was amusing, and we would often joke about it before you arrived, and bet on which of us you would accidentally insult in this way when you showed up!

Or how you didnt understand why we werent happy about having our kitchen rearranged while we were on vacation. Every other person with whom we discussed this said theyd have been furious, yet you seemed baffled by our less-than-enthusiastic response. Or how you didnt understand that Mike didnt want to see a naked picture of your character, even though he said, Dont send me naked pictures of your character. Or how you didnt understand how many times we have desperately wanted you to stop talking about your issues and just relax with useven though we were giving as obvious indications as we possibly could without just rudely telling you to stop.

Now, please dont think that were insulting you! Theres absolutely nothing wrong with your inability to empathize with peopleits just your personality! Theres nothing wrong with you being you! Our only goal in that discussionour only goal whenever we talk to youwas to try to help you preserve both your friendships and your sanity. We feel that a balance needs to be struck between having a good time with the group, and allowing an event to be turned into a group discussion about your issues. Theres a time and a place for everything, and you have an unfortunate tendency to assume that other people are as interested in hearing about your problems as you are in talking about them.

At times, it feels a bit manipulative. We were shocked and disturbed to find out that youd been using our shared gaming experience as some sort of personal therapy sessions. Though were

not experts at mental health, the idea that your sanctity of mind might depend literally on the roll of a dice and our imaginary actions in an imaginary world is quite terrifying. Though you may think we dont take your mental health seriously, nothing could be further from the truth.

But speaking honestly, you sometimes worry us. When we first met you, you seemed a bit high-strung, but relatively functional. During your time in Japan, weve watched you become increasingly eccentric, your mood swings seem to have worsened, youre coming in late to work, youre popping incredibly powerful painkillers like candy

Joe: One of the reasons this scares me so much is because you remind me, a bit, of my ex-girlfriends mother, Carol. Carol was convinced that something was wrong with her; she bounced from doctor to doctor, her work performance suffered, she tried more and more pills, but ultimately died alone in a field of a drug overdose, having combined a large amount of benzodiazepines with alcohol. In the end, we all blamed ourselves, because we had only enabled her drug abuse and self-destruction. We never spoke up; we let her convince herself that she needed the drugs, she needed the sympathy, and she needed us to believe that she couldnt function without everyone bending over backwards to coddle her.

Catie you told me yourself that you werent supposed to be drinking, that the meds + alcohol were dangerous. Yet, you were drinking heavily at the karaoke event just the other day. The other day, when Christie and I were discussing you (we do think about you!), for some reason, the image of Carol came to mind. I still remember what she looked like, gray, scared, with vomit on her clothing, claw marks on the ground. I had this horrible, scary feeling thatthough Im a good decade older than youone day I would hear of your death at the hands of the pills. I cant handle that.

You might be tempted to say that its none of our business. It is, though. Were your friends, and were worried about you.

We think you might have a problem with prescription painkillers. Its nothing to be ashamed of; the very best of us are susceptible to addiction. Its very important to be honest when you think a friend has a problem, and were trying to be.

Yet, despite your inclination turn parties and games into discussions about you, it seems you are incredibly resistant to hearing anything that doesnt fit into your narrative. Catie, your friends arent puppets; they arent actors; you shouldnt be angry with them just because they went off-book and started being honest with youyou arent writing their script.

See, you dont know us, either. You dont know what weve been through. You dont know about our own struggles with depression, disease, and death. You dont know how hard things have been for usyou have an unfortunate tendency to assume that no ones problems could be worse than yours. You dont know. You dont know what we keep from the world. You once commented that our parties seemed effortless. Theyre not. Our daily lives require a great deal of effort but weve got better things to think about! Were embarking on a glorious, wonderful new chapter in our life, and we intend to go into it with the best of attitudes!

We worry that you think poorly of yourself, that you seem to enjoy making yourself out to be the victim, regardless of the situation. We certainly dont see you as a victimwe think you can

succeed! We think youre an awesome person and deserve far more; you deserve the fun and happiness that you deny yourself!

You do have some problems, and we worry about you. We worry that youre on a self-destructive path, that youre refusing to face some hard truths, and that your spitting in the face of the people trying to help you. You view your experience of the past three years in Japan as traumatizing, yet youre obviously terrified of going back home. We fear that you may be using the relative ease of livelihood in Japan as a kind of enabler for your addiction and regression into self-pity.

Its your right, though. Well always think of you as a friend, but weve also become rather uncomfortable and weary with the fragility, the coddling, and the walking on eggshells that friendship with you seems to require. We prefer honesty amongst friends. If youre unable to cope with our feelings in this regard, then by all means, please dont hesitate to avoid us for a while. Of course Nathan will always be welcome in our home; last week, we were discussing having a few game nights without you as it seemed that the game was becoming more than you could handle, but we didnt want to exclude Nate. This seems like a workable solution. And of course well still be there if you guys need help moving.

We hope that this separation helps you find the safe place you feel you need. We appreciate your honesty, and hope you appreciate ours. We wish you all the best, and are grateful for the good times we had with you, even if they seemed traumatic in your eyes. If and when youre ready, wed love to enjoy your company again in the future.

Sincerely wishing you all the best

Christie and Joe