dealing with difficult people trying to do your job in an age of narcissism
TRANSCRIPT
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Dealing with Difficult People
Trying to do your Job in an Age of Narcissism
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Why the problem?
• Parents see their child as a peer• There is confusion about the role of
the parent• Parents see themselves as the
child’s attorney• Parents are busy/tired• Service industry philosophy
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The Fragile Family
• Inappropriately involved in child’s affairs
• Parent/legal defender• Expectations unrealistic: child is
either helpless or gifted/entitled• Sense of entitlement• Parent self-centered
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Fragile Families
• Parent special/child special• Seek privilege or exemption
(testing behavior)• Assume right to criticize rules,
authority• Become intrusive in the school• Enraged when slighted
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Parents want to know….
• How do I discipline my child?• How do I manage my child?• How do I raise my child?• How do I help my child to learn?• How do I enforce the rules that I set?• How do I monitor my child’s
activities and friends?
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Our Response:
• How do I draw boundaries?• How do I avoid placating behavior?• How do I avoid overreacting?• How do I want this to end?
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Check Communication Skills• It’s folly to invite large numbers to a
“gripe session”.• Have small-group coffees to listen• Keep the lines open• Inform, inform, inform• Watch body language, off-hand
remarks• What happens in school is curriculum...
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Problems occur when:
• We fail to communicate• We make unwarranted
assumptions• We don’t listen attentively• Our nonverbals obviate our verbals• We don’t check for understanding• We have to deal with conflict
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Pay attention to communication
“You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.”
-Sam Levinson
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Some tips:
• Use face-to-face• Make sure conclusions are clear• Listen, listen, listen• Practice what you preach• Ask pertinent questions• PAY ATTENTION!
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Some more tips:
• Pick up on key words, feelings• Use silence to your advantage• Ask permission• Don’t assume; check it out• Don’t get hooked on another’s
anger
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What do we tell parents?
• Our homework policy
• Our behavioral expectations
• Our grading policy
• How we insert and incorporate Christian values
• Our outcomes• How we want to
be contacted• What supplies
students need• Importance of
presence and promptness
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What do we ask parents?
• What does your child do in his/her spare time?
• What hobbies or collections does he/she have?
• How does your child like to learn?
• Where does your child like to sit?
• What special talents does your child have?
• Special needs?• How long does it
take your child to do homework?
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Understand:
• Most parents are really doing the best they can;
• Many parents are themselves stressed;• Many parents feel isolated and that they
have no one to help them;• Many parents and teachers react when
they should reflect.
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Dealing with Difficult Colleagues
How to welcome and love conflict
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Creative Leaders Welcome Conflict• … as long as it’s legitimate• … as long as it results in synergy• ...as long as it invites commitment
and investment• … as long as it represents win-win• … as long as it’s an opportunity
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Dealing with Colleagues
• Make sure you have a role in the resolution: “What do I need to do?” “What do you need to do?”
• Watch out for hidden agendas
• Don’t allow stress to rule
• Make sure you’re colleagues, not competitors
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Dealing with Children
• It’s often not their fault• Kids will be kids:
– Impulsive– Excitable– Attention-deprived– Self-insufficient– Unable to separate– Looking for love in all the wrong places
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SAVE YOURSELF
TIPS FOR PREVENTING THE SHARKS FROM PUTTING YOU ON THEIR MENU
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SAVE YOURSELF!
• Don’t play their games• Know when to walk away…• Love thy neighbor as thy slippers• Your funnybone: use it or lose it• Who cares? FIDO• Leave town
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• Avoid spitting contests• Be a magnet, not flypaper• Don’t buy a cow to get a glass of
milk• Retire from the Supreme Court• Learn from the tortoise• Pin a medal on your shirt
SAVE YOURSELF!
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The power of a teacher
I have come to a frightening conclusion; I am the decisiveelement in the classroom. It is my personal approach thatcreates the class. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher I possess tremendous power to make a child’s life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of tortureor an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decideswhether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated, and a childwill be humanized or de-humanized.-Haim Ginott
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Some Thoughts on Bullying:• 30% of students grades 6-10 involved• We blur the line between bullying and
and competitive behavior• Bullying has a negative experience on
the object of the bully• Addressing bullying must be in the
context of normal interactions, but intervention must occur when the bullying occurs.
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More thoughts on bullying:
• Students need attention, power, love and competence; bullies lack these.
• Remember that boys’ play is aggressive; distinguish play from bullying
• Avoid zero tolerance; it equals zero flexibility
• Bullies start early;may be related to research on daycare
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Bullying:
• May be a sign of a spiritual crisis
• Bullies have keen empathic skills, but treat the other as an object
• We teach empathy by modeling it ourselves
• Caring must be experienced and taught, even beyond the classroom
• Use Gospel stories to teach empathy
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They need:
• Attention• Individuality• Talent scouts• Patience• Care