dealing with difficult people practical strategies for minimizing their disruptive influence on your...
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Dealing with Dealing with Difficult Difficult PeoplePeople
Practical Strategies for Practical Strategies for Minimizing Their Disruptive Minimizing Their Disruptive
Influence On Your LifeInfluence On Your Life
A Presentation for Fairfield Medical A Presentation for Fairfield Medical CenterCenter
Kendall L. Stewart, M.D.Kendall L. Stewart, M.D.May 14, 2004May 14, 2004
What’s the What’s the point?point?• These people are
everywhere; you cannot avoid them entirely.
• Unfortunately, they often hold positions of power.
• Give them the chance, and they will make you miserable.
• You can’t change them, but you can change the way you react to them.
• Changing how you react to these people will improve the quality of your life.
• After this presentation, you will be able to– Identify three common
behaviors difficult people exhibit,
– Describe three feelings these behaviors often elicit in others,
– Specify three behaviors these feelings typically elicit, and
– Discuss three practical ways for minimizing the disruptive impact these people have on your life.
What are some of the typical What are some of the typical
behaviorsbehaviors that difficult people that difficult people exhibit?exhibit?• They are insensitive
and demanding.• They are aggressive
and hostile.• They are vulgar and
insulting.• They are hateful,
arrogant and demeaning.
• They are rude and uncivilized.
• They are unresponsive and irresponsible.
• They are dishonest and conniving.
• They are uncooperative.
• They are sensitive, suspicious and intent on blaming someone else.
• They are stupid and ignorant and blissfully unaware of it.
Confronted with such behavior, how do Confronted with such behavior, how do
we sometimes we sometimes feel?feel?• Angry• Resentful• Helpless• Hopeless• Worthless• Frightened• Intimidated• Annoyed• Revengeful• Overwhelm
ed
• Hostile• Inferior• Threatened• Hurt• Insulted• Frustrated• Used• Hateful • Etc.
How might these feelings incline us to How might these feelings incline us to
behave?behave?• Withdraw• Nag• Argue• Give up• Explain• Talk behind others’
backs• Ruminate• Gossip• Try harder to please• Plot revenge• And so on
What are some effective behavioral What are some effective behavioral
strategiesstrategies for dealing with difficult for dealing with difficult people?people?
• Label them.*• Neutralize them.*• Understand them.• Accept them.• Inform them.• Involve them.• Ignore them.• Convert them.• Avoid them.• Expose them.
• Circumvent them.• Use them.• Persuade them.• Confront them.*• Rehabilitate them.• Discourage them.• Ridicule them.• Isolate them.• Punish them.• Fire them.
LabelLabel them.them.
• Why should I?– Acknowledges they are
different– Recognizes their need
to be “managed,” not befriended
– Initiates the management process
– Minimizes your unrealistic expectations
– Reminds you to become emotionally detached
– Signals need to reach for suitable tools
– Legitimizes others’ perceptions
– Forces you to take personal responsibility
• How can I?– Remain sensitive to your
own emotional arousal. – Recognize the need to
choke off your emotional arousal.
– Imagine a sticky note labeled, “A Real Nut” attached to their foreheads.
– View them as impaired (they are).
– Pity them.– Concentrate on observing
their behavior.– Reflect on why someone
might behave so unproductively—as a distraction, not as their therapist.
NeutralizeNeutralize them. them.
• Why should I?– Removes incendiary
behavior from an emotionally flammable environment
– Minimizes their desired response—fear and withdrawal
– Starves their fire– Limits emotional
contagion– Protects more
vulnerable personalities– Minimizes workplace
disruption– Takes initiative away
from social miscreant
• How can I?– Take notes.– Avoid eye contact.– Act sleepy and bored.– Comment on their
emotional arousal.– Ask them why they are
repeating themselves.– Ask them what
constructive things they have tried.
– Ask them what they want you to do.
– Warn them, then hang up the phone.
ConfrontConfront them. them.
• Why should I?– Challenges others’
tolerance– Worries those who
collude with misbehavers
– Disrupts usual response patterns
– Signals who’s in charge– Provides relief from
feelings of helplessness– Gives prior victims hope– Reaffirms your
commitment to organization’s stated values
– Encourages others to take the same vigorous action
• How can I?– Document their behavior.– Ignore suspected motives,
but record behavior in descriptive detail.
– Focus on patterns instead of isolated occurrences.
– Line up witnesses.– Give emotions time to
dissipate.– Nail down the support you
need.– Confront in love and
respect.– Refuse to be distracted.– Attach consequences and
describe next steps.– Deliver on your promises.
What can we What can we conclude?conclude?
• There are a lot of difficult people in the world.
• They will make you miserable if you let them.• You can’t change them, but you can change
the way you react to them.• Your instinctive reactions to these obnoxious
people may not be the best approach.• There are a variety of approaches that will
work better, but you will need to practice them if you want to use them successfully.
Where can we learn Where can we learn more?more?
• Stewart, Kendall L., et. al. A Portable Mentor for Organizational Leaders, SOMCPress, 2003
• Stewart, Kendall L., “Physician Traps: Some Practical Ways to Avoid Becoming a Miserable Doctor” A SOMCPress White Paper, SOMCPress, July 24, 2002
• Stewart, Kendall L. et. al, “On Being Successful at SOMC: Some Practical Guidelines for New Physicians” A SOMCPress White Paper, SOMCPress, January 2001
• Stewart, Kendall L., “Bigwigs Behaving Badly: Understanding and Coping with Notable Misbehavior” A SOMCPress White Paper, SOMCPress, March 11, 2002 (For a limited time, this White Paper can be downloaded from http://www.somc.org/NRSOMCPress/WhitePapers.htm.)
• Stewart, Kendall L., “Relationships: Building and Sustaining the Interpersonal Foundations of Organizational Success” A SOMCPress White Paper, SOMCPress, March 11, 2002
How can weHow can we contactcontact you?you?
Kendall L. Stewart, M.D.Kendall L. Stewart, M.D.Medical DirectorMedical Director
Southern Ohio Medical CenterSouthern Ohio Medical CenterPresident & CEOPresident & CEO
The SOMC Medical Care Foundation, The SOMC Medical Care Foundation, Inc.Inc.
1805 27th Street1805 27th StreetPortsmouth, Ohio 45662Portsmouth, Ohio 45662
740.356.8153740.356.8153
[email protected] [email protected]
www.somc.orgwww.KendallLStewartMD.com
Southern Ohio Medical CenterSouthern Ohio Medical Center SafetySafety QualityQuality ServiceService RelationshipsRelationships Performance Performance
WhatWhat questionsquestions remain?remain?
www.somc.orgwww.somc.org