darul hikmah: maintaining a happy marriage, communication workshop
TRANSCRIPT
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MAINTAINING A HAPPY MARRIAGE: HEALTHY COMMUNICATIONHooman Keshavarzi, MA
SIRAT
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Two Backgrounds/Two People Core Beliefs and Life History
How parents were, norms, patterns etc. Therefore: Differing Perceptions
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What do you see?
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Ideas of Right and Wrong
Pushing a point Using Deen to support this perspective Let’s say you prove your point: Now what?
Can’t resolve issues in a productive manner is the larger issue!
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Communication Errors
Four variables that if present, can predict whether a marriage will end in divorce by over 85%!!!
What are they?
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Vicious Cycle of Bad Communication
1. Criticism2. Contempt3. Defensiveness4. StonewallingAdditional sword in the marriage:No affection outside of this.
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Solution PLEASE!!
Interrupt the process QUICKLY! Make a joke Voice your emotions, “I am feeling
upset”. Take a time out Learn cues and triggers.
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Gender Differences
Effects of Stress (Gottman, 1999)
WOMEN MEN
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Solution PLEASE!!
Men: Know that it will get better, just bear through the current.
Women: Take breaks, don’t overwhelm him
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Details
Men tend not to see details, but the whole picture.
Women are highly attentive to details.
Implication: Men don’t notice little things. Often interpreted as lack of caring.
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Solution
You decide!
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Issues of Power
Men tend to have an issue with power. Women accept influence naturally. Men who do not accept influence tend to
have poorer relationships.
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Ideas of Marriage
ALL successful marriages have unresolved ISSUES!
• Cognitive Distortion: “should” & “must” statements Overestimate how bad it is that these
expectations are not met.
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Communication Errors
Tend to listen to half of what people say. Tend to listen in order to make a
response. See things from own frame of reference Tend to give advice or “what I would do”.
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Active/Empathetic listening
Genuine Not-Judging Empathetic
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Empathy Technique
Reflecting & Asking questions.
Tips: Learn when to SHUT UP Forget the details – What is the MESSAGE!! Do you understand experientially?
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Characteristics of a Healthy Marriage
Keeping their negative thoughts of their spouse from overwhelming their positive ones (Gottman, 1999).
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