HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE IN 15 MINUTES A CONCISE SUMMARY OF THE BEST SELLER Sam Lloyd February 6, 2013 4 CommentsHow to Win Friends and Influence People is one of the most popular self-improvement books ever written.Over 15 million copies sold and to this day people swear by the book.Today I present to you the aHow to Win Friends and Influence People summary. These are cliffnotes for each chapter within the best seller.But first lets influence you on the book itself. Here are12 things this book will do for you:1. Get you out of a mental rut, give you new thoughts, new visions, new ambitions.2. Enable you to make friends quickly and easily.3. Increase your popularity.4. Help you to win people to your way of thinking.5. Increase your influence, your prestige, your ability to get things done.6. Enable you to win new clients, new customers.7. Increase your earning power.8. Make you a better salesman, a better executive.9. Help you to handle complaints, avoid arguments, keep your human contacts smooth and pleasant.10. Make you a better speaker, a more entertaining conversationalist.11. Make the principles of psychology easy for you to apply in your daily contacts.12. Help you to arouse enthusiasm among your associates.I you like what you see here, I suggest you go pick up the book because there are so many useful historical examples Dale Carnegie used in his book to explain these principles in greater detail.So here is the summary:Part 1: Fundamental Techniques in Handling PeopleChapter 1: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a persons pride, hurts his sense of importance (everyone wants to feel important/wanted) and arouses resentment. Instead of condemning everyone, try to figure out why they are how they are. To know all is to forgive all I will speak ill of no man and speak all the good I know of everybody Many great leaders stood out because of this principle. Men like Abraham Lincoln made it a point at some point in his life to never criticize anyone.Principle 1: Dont criticize, condemn, or complain.Chapter 2: The Big Secret of Dealing with People There is only one way to make someone do something, which is making them want to do it. The deepest craving in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. The best way to develop the best that is in a person is through appreciation and encouragement. Charles Schwab Be anxious to praise and loath to find fault. Once I did bad and that I heard ever/Twice I did good, but that I heard never Let others know you appreciate them or something about them often There is a major difference between appreciation and flattery. Dont just tell someone something small like Youre doing great or Lookin good!, but tell them HOW theyre doing great, or what about them looks good, etc Tell others you appreciated something they did, for example: tell a chef of some restaurant that you really enjoyed his meal. Tell a hotel manager that your room was very well kept etc.Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.Chapter 3: He Who Can do this Holds the Whole World with Him. He Who Cannot Walks a Lonely Way Think about things from other peoples perspective Put the other persons wants before your own Convince this person of how something can benefit them Arouse in the other person an eager wantPrinciple 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.Part 2: Ways to Make People Like YouChapter 1: Do This and Youll be Welcome Anywhere You can make more friends in 2 months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years trying to get people interested in you. We like people whom admire us. We are interested in others when they are interested in us Publilius Syrus Greet people with animation and enthusiasm. Say Hello to people in a way that shows you are pleased to talk with them.Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other peopleChapter 2: A Simple Way to Make a Good Impression Actions speak louder than words. A smile says I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you Smile, dont give an insincere grin. Insincere grins are mechanical and resented. Give real, heartwarming smiles that uplift the room. Smile even when on the phone. Your smile will come through the phone through your voice. You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you. If you dont feel like smiling, force yourself to smile. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to actually make you happy. Psychologist William James Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together. Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness was already there Your mental attitude determines your happiness. There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so Shakespeare To someone who has seen a dozen people scowl, frown, or turn away their faces, your smile will be like the sun breaking through the clouds.Principle 2: SmileChapter 3: If You Dont Do This, You are Headed for Trouble People value their name or whatever nickname it is that they go by. Remember peoples names. Make an effort to remember their names the first try. Dont even spell the name wrong if you can.Principle 3: Remember that a persons name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.Chapter 4: An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist If you want to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that people will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.Chapter 5: How to Interest People The royal road to a persons heart is to talk about things he or she treasures most. Try and focus on what that person is interested in and talk about it. Franklin Roosevelt, before having a visitor in his office, used to study topics he knew his guest would be interested in discussing before they came over.Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other persons interestsChapter 6: How to Make People Like You Instantly Always make the other person feel important Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. If you want to be appreciated, feel important, worthwhile, give that feeling to others first.Principle 6: Make the other person feel important and do it sincerelyPart 3: How to Win People to Your Way of ThinkingChapter 1: You Cant Win an Argument Avoid arguments like you would rattlesnakes or earthquakes. Most of the time, theyll just make someone feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, or hurt their pride and make them feel inferior to you. There once was a truck salesman friend of Dale Carnegie. He wouldnt sell many trucks because he would argue a lot with customers who would complain or make remarks about the trucks he would sell. After Dale advised him to stop arguing, the salesman became one of the best salesmen his company had ever seen. If someone said something like I dont want a white truck! Im going to go buy _______ truck from (random company)! The truck salesman could agree with the salesman that the competitors truck was indeed a good truck, and speak of its quality. THEN, he would go back and speak about the quality of the white truck he was trying to sell. A misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other persons viewpoint. If someone tries to argue with you and brings up a point you havent thought of, show them appreciation of that point and talk on that. Dont trust your first instinct when you feel an argument coming up. Sometimes we react harshly when we feel we have to defend ourselves or a certain point. Sometimes it brings out the worst in us. Control your temper. Listen First. Give them a chance to talk and try to find understandings. Look for areas of agreement. Apologize for mistakes or errors youve made while arguing. Pride aside. Promise to think over your opponents ideas and study them carefully, and mean it. Your opponent could be right, and its better you check it out and learn then them say I tried to tell you, but you wouldnt listen. Thank your opponents for their interest in what you were discussing and them wanting to improve upon what you believe. Perhaps postpone a debate/argument for a day so that you both can get your head clear and gather facts together. Gives you both more time to think through each others points and whether the argument is worth your friends pride or not. What might you lose if you win the argument?Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.Chapter 2: A Sure Way of Making Enemies And How to Avoid It Telling someone theyre wrong is a direct blow at their intelligence, pride and self-respect. It doesnt make them want to agree with you, but strike back. If you are going to prove anything, try not to let anyone know about it. Do it subtly and adroitly so that no one knows youre doing it. Alexander Pope Men must be taught as if you taught them not, And things unknown proposed as things forgot If a person makes a statement you KNOW is wrong, try saying something like Well, now, look, I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Lets examine the facts Using the term I may be wrong. Lets examine the facts or something like it can do wonders. Respect others opinions and treat them courteously You will avoid trouble by admitting you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open-minded as you are to the fact that he himself, could be wrong too. Dont tell anyone theyre wrong about something. Use diplomacy to make your point.Principle 2: Show respect for the other persons opinions. Never say youre wrong.Chapter 3: If Youre Wrong, Admit It Be humble by saying derogatory things about yourself you know the other person wants to say or intends to say chances are they will then have a forgiving attitude towards you and minimize your mistakes in their minds. There is a certain degree of satisfaction which can be found in admitting ones errors. It takes the guilt and defensiveness out of the air, but also helps solve the problem created by the error.Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.Chapter 4: A Drop of Honey If your temper is aroused and you go off on someone and tell them a thing or two, you might feel good afterwards, but how does that person feel? Do they want to agree with your points after you embarrassed them and attacked their pride? If you come at me with your fists doubled, I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours; but if you come to me and say Let us sit down and take counsel together, and, if we differ from each other, understand why it is that we differ, just what the points at issue are, we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ are few and the points on which we agree are many, and that if we only have the patience and the candor and the desire to get together, we will get together. Woodrow Wilson So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend O.L. Straub, an engineer, needed to get his rent lowered or he wouldnt be able to afford it. Instead of going in and trying to argue prices immediately or how ridiculously high the rent was, he discussed with the landlord how much he liked the apartments and how great of a job O.L. had done running the place. He then said he wanted to stay for another year but he simply couldnt afford it. The landlord, as notoriously difficult to deal with as he was, actually went out of his way after to help O.L. achieve a lower and more affordable rent.Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.Chapter 5: The Secret of Socrates In talking with people, dont start by discussing things of which you differ in. Instead, talk aboutand keep emphasizing on, the things you have in common. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving towards the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose. Try to keep your opponent saying yes, yes instead of no. Once in the no state, a person will try to remain consistent with that statement in order to keep up their pride. The skillful speaker will at first, get a lot of yes responses. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction. Once in the no state, it takes a LOT of effort and wisdom to try and transform that bristling negative into an affirmative Ask questions which your opponent is forced to agree with (yes!). Keep on winning one admission after another until you have an armful of yeses to build upon, making your opponent possibly want to conclude with your side being right instead of their own.Principle 5: Get the other person saying Yes, Yes immediately.Chapter 6: The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other person talk themselves out. They know a lot more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions and hear them out. If you disagree with them, dont interrupt. Let them finish. If you interrupt, theyll still have a stream of ideas running through their heads. Encourage them to express everything out. (side tip) Almost every successful person likes to reminisce about his early struggles (remember that for interviews or building rapport) If you want to make enemies, excel your friends. If you want friends, let your friends excel you. In other words, build your friends up. Listen to their accomplishments. Dont boast about your own. Mention your achievements only when asked.Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talkingChapter 7: How to Get Cooperation Most people prefer to feel that they are acting on their own ideas or buying on their own accord, not told or sold something. Let the person feel an idea is his or hers Ask for their ideas or advice about somethingPrinciple 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hersChapter 8: A Formula that Will Work Wonders for You Remember to not condemn someone for being wrong, even if they are DEAD wrong. The wise try to understand why this person would say something like that. Try to put yourself in that persons shoes and try to figure out why they act how they do or why they would say something like they did. Try to think through that persons point of view and think why someone should want to adapt to your point of view, and also how they would like to hear what you are saying.Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other persons point of view.Chapter 9: What Everybody Wants One phrase that eliminates ill will, creates good will, and gets people listening to you better: I dont blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do. You can say this phrase 100% honestly too, because if you truly WERE that person, with their mindset and feelings and background, you really WOULD feel that way. Now if you were YOU in THEIR body, you may obviously think differently. Remember that no one typically deserves a lot of credit for being who they are. Their surroundings, upbringings, etc. help determine that. Three-fourths of the people you meet want sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you. Before you speak back to someone who has offended you or is debating you, remember to try and react differently than just anyone would. Respond how a wise person would react, not just any fool.Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other persons ideas and desires.Chapter 10: An Appeal that Everybody Likes According to J. Pierpont Morgan, everybody usually has two reasons for doing anything: one that sounds good, and then their real reason. The person may know the real reason, but you dont need to emphasize that. Instead, try appealing to a nobler cause (something that sounds good to your opponent/customer/boss/etc). Show them good motives behind agreeing to what your trying to convince them. Example: When John D. Rockefeller wanted newspaper photographers to stop taking pictures of his children, he appealed to nobler motives. He didnt say I dont want these pictures taken, but instead, said You know how it is, boys. Youve got children yourselves, some of you. And you know its not good for youngsters to get too much publicity.Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motivesChapter 11: The Movies Do it. TV Does it. Why Dont You Do it? Dramatization: The truth has to be vivid, interesting, dramatic you have to use showmanship. Do this if you want attention. This does not mean lying, but saying something that dramatizes the importance of something that youre talking about or trying to convey.Principle 11: Dramatize your ideasChapter 12: When Nothing Else Works, Try This Stimulate competition, not in a sordid money-getting, but in the desire to excel. People love the chance to express themselves, their worth, and to show their importance. Examples of things to say to stimulate completion:I didnt realize you were lazy/a coward/quitter/etcYoure right. You probably shouldnt take that class. Only smart people can pass that classPrinciple 12: Throw down a challengePart 4: Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing ResentmentChapter 1: If You Must Find Fault, This is the Way to Begin It is always more comfortable to hear something unpleasant about ourselves after we have heard some praise about one of our good points. A barber always lathers a man before he shaves him Imagine a dentist about to perform drilling. Yes, the patient is about to get drilled, but the dentist gives him Novacain to dull the pain.Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciationChapter 2: How to Criticize and Not Be Hated for It Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise, but then follow it with the word but and end with a critical statement, such as Ive got to say bro, youre looking swole, but your legs make it look like you dont even lift. Once someone hears the but, it makes them question the sincerity of the praise and that it was only put there to cushion the insult coming. Try replacing the word but with and. Example: Ive got to say bro, youre looking thick, solid, tight and if you work your legs a bit harder people will def. think youre shredded The praise now comes off as sincere and may make that person want to live up to our expectationsPrinciple 2: Call attention to peoples mistakes indirectly.Chapter 3: Talk About Your Own Mistakes First It feels a lot better to hear someone talk about their faults and kind of get down on your level in a sense before they point out yours. Admitting ones own mistakes even when one has corrected them can help convince someone to change their behavior.Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other personChapter 4: No One Likes to Take Orders Giving suggestions instead of giving orders saves a persons pride and gives him a sense of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion. Asking questions instead of ordering someone around can make an order seem more palatable and often stimulates the creativity of the persons you ask. Example: DO THIS! versus You think itd be a good idea to try this next time..?Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct ordersChapter 5: Let the Other Person Save Face I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime. Antoine de Saint-Exupery Dont belittle a person basicallyPrinciple 5: Let the other person save faceChapter 6: How to Spur People to Success Praise people on their improvements. Words of praise can change someones life. Can you think of a moment where someones praise encouraged you and led you to becoming more successful? Enrico Caruso, one of the greatest and most successful opera singers, was once told by a teacher when he was 10 that he couldnt sing. His mothers praise was what helped motivate him to continue trying anyway. Give specific praise. Not just short flattery. Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.Chapter 7: Give a Dog a Good Name The average person can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability. If you want to improve a person in a certain spect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. For an example, instead of firing someone for slipping up, first try telling them what a valuable asset they have been in the past (if they truly have), and tell them theyve been slipping up a bit lately and that you would like to work with them to help fix this problem. Change the persons attitude or behavior by giving them a big reputation to lead up to. Example: Telling them they have the qualities of a leader and you can see it by their work ethic. Perhaps the person will start working harder after that to live up to that reputation.Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.Chapter 8: Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct Praise someones good points and minimize the persons faults. You could say something like All it would take is a little _________ and you could be great! Let the other person know you have faith in them to get over that obstacle.Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.Chapter 9: Making People Glad to Do What You Want Always make the other person happy about doing what you have suggested. Be sincere. Do not promise anything you cant deliver. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants. Consider the benefits the person will receive from doing what you suggest. Match those benefits to the persons wants. When you make a request, put it in a form that shows the other person how they will benefit from it.Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.