by Kendra Perchant

Criminal Consultation

My job

I don’t like my job.

I am glad I have a job.

I wish I could have a different

job.

I worry about

money.

I wish I had a job that made me happy.

My non-job life

Cats

• I have two cats.

• They are named Boots and Barley.

• They were named after a cat food.

• They refuse to eat Boots & Barley cat food.

• Renaming them Iams Healthy Weight Formula seems unnecessarily cruel.

Husband

• I married Scott when we were both 23.

• He proposed with a ring made of plastic.

• We didn’t have jobs or a house or plans.

• We were happy anyway.

How I got here

I started working at this company when I

was 24.

I was young, broke, and willing to do

anything to pay the rent.

I told myself I would only work there for 2

years, maybe 3.

It’s been 14 years.I started going to law

school at night 4 years ago.

I will graduate in less than a year.

The job market is terrible.

Even though I will be qualified for a better

job, I may not find one.

Next year will be year 15.

The Elements of Larceny, or,Our lovely neighbors

Taking of property

Like the mail from my mailbox

Without consent

With intent to steal

Like to cash the unemployment checks

our roommate gets.

No force or threats

necessary

Just sneaking around when we’re

not home

A felony crime in every state

The reason I don’t get mail delivered at

home.

(I could never prove it was

them.)

Monday morning.

“Come into my office and help me with something,” he says.

His office smells like aftershave. I am 99% certain I won’t enjoy “helping.”

He makes me get him coffee.

He takes it with 2 Sweet&Low and 1 cream. I put Equal in it as silent rebellion.

My boss doesn’t like it when I’m late.

I’m never late. He is always late.

Scott

My favorite parts of him are the corners of

his eyes.

He calls me “choochoo.”

He has never yelled at me. Ever.

We’ve been together longer than I can

remember.

My husband

The Project

My boss has to present to a big potential

client.

He needs a presentation

that looks intelligent.

The two things my boss is bad

at are presenting and

intelligence.

Enter me.

My daily work

Convincing my boss I’m doing

a good job .

Actually doing my

job.

Solitaire

Getting other people

to do their jobs.

Telling others not to do my job for me.

My Dilemma

I am supposed to help my boss prepare his big presentation.

“It’s supposed to look cool, but also be informative.”

“You know, I want colors. And

diagrams. People love diagrams.”

“We need to show them we are going

to solve all their problems.”

(We have no idea how to actually

solve any of their problems.)

He needs to impress the client

and “inspire confidence.”

He has no idea what he wants.

Things My Boss Says Sometimes

• “You’re wearing your hair down today. It looks so much more feminine that way.”

• “Sometimes I don’t know who I would be more lost without—you or my wife.”

• “You’re too old to have babies now, right?”

• “Be a sweetheart and pay these parking tickets for me, won’t you?”

• “You should wear your glasses more often. They make you look like you’re smart.”

• “You remind me of a girl I slept with in college once.”

How we got here

We do consulting work for businesses that are in decline and in need of an immediate solution to a spiraling future.

Our clients have a small company and need to turn the business around to satisfy their shareholders.

We promised we could make it

happen within six months.

They paid us in advance.

They trusted us based on a

recommendation.

The recommendation

was from my boss’s brother.

The Elements of Fraudulent Misrepresentation

• Misrepresentation of a material fact– “These people know what they’re doing.”

• Knowledge that it is false or baseless– He’s a liar, not an idiot. He knows we’re terrible.

• Intent to induce someone– “Trust me, you should really give them a try.”

• Causation (they actually rely on the information)– They signed up with us that week.

• Justifiable reliance (their reliance was reasonable)– How were they supposed to know?

• Damages (actual monetary loss)– Why upfront payment is always a terrible idea.

Why we are in trouble

The client’s CEO is a woman named

Christine.

She asked my boss to give a presentation to

the rest of the company.

We will need to convince management

and shareholders.

If all goes well, this will be the biggest

engagement we’ve ever had.

The rest of her employees need to see

why our ideas are worth listening to.

My boss has no idea how to talk to a

woman in a professional manner.

I am more worried about what will

happen if we do get the bid.

The Conference Call

What She Says What He Says What he then says when he puts the phone on mute

My company needs to know you can tailor this project to our specific needs

We know that all clients are individuals. This is your project, designed exclusively for you.

Grab the presentation we did for the last client—change the names. And maybe the clip art.

I want my managers to be as excited about this project as I am. I need you to inspire them.

It will be easy to get themexcited, because we are just as excited to be working for you. WITH you.

Lady, I will inspire your dog to take a leak on my living room sofa if it will get us this bid.

We’re interested in more than a plan. We want to know you will help walk us through the transition.

We will be there every step of the way.

They paid up front, right?

Fun Facts about Theft and Embezzlement

Theft is the taking of the property of another that

never belongs to you.

Embezzlement is the fraudulent conversion of personal property

that you have lawfully in your possession (but is not yours.)

Examples:

The pens I swipe from the supply closet

Alistair’s sandwich that I took from the communal fridge

Examples:

My boss paying for lottery tickets with petty cash

Falsifying time sheets and expense reports to keep retainers paid by clients

Jobs I have applied for recently

Position Result

Paralegal in small law office “You’re overqualified.”

Associate in medium size law firm “You’re underqualified.”

Public defender “We’re over-budget and can’t hire right now.”

Clerkship with every court in the state “We recruited all our clerks through on-campus interviews with the full time students.”

Unemployment hearing officer Ironically, they are not hiring.

Dairy Task Force Coordinator Despite being coordinated and in love with cheese, not considered for the position.

Legal Services Agency in-house attorney …

It would be the perfect job.

I should hear back any day…

… I should have heard back any day…

… They would still notify me if I didn’t get it, I think…

… Maybe I should call?

Tuesday

My boss is having lunch downtown.

He is “with a client.”

I am not supposed to tell his wife.

It may be several hours.

At 2:30pm, he calls the

office. “I’m going to be running late for the

client meeting.”

“Can you grab my

notes from the top

drawer?”

“Scan the notes and

email them to me.”“And text

me the address?”

My Boss’s Desk

Candy Bar Wrappers

And a letter, addressed to me.

Dated three weeks ago.

From the legal services agency.

Defenses to Most Crimes, or, Innocent Until Proven Guilty

No intent Maybe he didn’t mean to take it.

Insanity Maybe he is crazy and thought it was going to kill me.

Intoxication Maybe he was so drunk he couldn’t have formed the intent to take it/hide it.

Self-Defense Maybe he faced imminent threat of injury unless he took it.

Necessity Maybe he believed it was necessary for the greater good to avoid a worse crime.

Duress Maybe someone forced him to take it.

Mistake of Fact Maybe he thought it was his letter.

Consent Maybe I told him to take it.

But I know the truth.

Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress

1. An act by a defendant amounting to extreme and outrageous conduct;

2. Intent or recklessness;

3. Causation; and

4. Damages – severe emotional distress.

Reactions I Briefly Consider

crying screaming

Throwing things

Trashing the office

Running home to

ScottThrowing

up

Calling the police

Calling the

client

Marching down to

the restaurant

Calling his wife

I make a different decision.

Wednesday

• I get my boss his coffee.

• I even put sweet & low in it this time.I show up early, as always.

• “You should practice the presentation,” I say.

• “You want to make sure you get the timings right.”

• “Make sure you run through it at least once before you show it to the client.”

I help him set up his laptop in the

conference room.

• “You wouldn’t need me there anyway. “

• “You can give this presentation just fine.”

• “I’m sure you’ll do great, as long as you run through it at least once first.”

I tell him I can’t make it to the client

meeting.

Lanseco Company Kick-Off Welcome!

Meet the Team

What we do

How we do it

Our path together

Braywood ConsultingFor Your Future

Welcome! We are excited to work with Lanseco to build a better

foundation for tomorrow. But not half as excited as we are about what you’ll pay.

Lanseco has a long history of providing quality products and services to a dedicated customer base. Despite your old-fashioned technology and inability to keep

profits up.

Braywood is here to make sure that the good parts of Lanseco can secure the future of the company for everyone involved. At least as long as it takes to convince you it wasn’t our fault

when you inevitably declare bankruptcy.Braywood ConsultingFor Your Future

Meet the Team

Jerry Braywood, Founder Old fart, barely around anymore. We put him out to pasture

but parade him in front of clients like you to impress them.

Nick Freemore, Partner and Executive VP This is me, the jackass. I cheat on my wife, treat my employees

like dirt, and lie through my teeth to all my clients.

Alistair McGovern, Senior Associate I never really talk to this guy. We just hired him so we could

pretend we had diversity.

Kendra Perchant, Associate My personal slave who deserves so much better than being

constantly stepped on by me.Braywood ConsultingFor Your Future

What We Do• We are not here to turn your business upside down

The fact that you retained us is proof that it’s upside down already. (You beat us to it.)

Listening to your needs is our most effective tool

But we usually settle for just convincing you that we were listening.

We bring 15 years of industry experience to ensure success from our clients’ organizations

Most of the first 14 years were spent playing golf and conducting meaningless surveys. Now we just golf.

Braywood ConsultingFor Your Future

What We Do (cont.)We bring you the complete package!

Braywood ConsultingFor Your Future

Our industry expertise

Commitment to serving our clients

Proven track record

Innovative Ideas

Notice how this chart doesn’t have any numbers?

And doesn’t actually mean anything?

Total lie

How We Do It

Partnering with you to accomplish your goals, right next to you every step of the way

Finding an approach that fits

YOU

Listening to you

Braywood ConsultingFor Your Future

Or:-Two martini lunches- Vague billing practices- Lack of any concrete metric to judge our progress- Using words you don’t understand so you don’t ask questions- Lying- Sticking around just long enough to get paid

Our Path Together

Maximum Growth Potential

Collaboration

Our best experiences

Your best ideas

Braywood ConsultingFor Your Future

Boss,I warned you to run through this before the presentation.

I know you probably didn’t.

I don’t consider that my fault.

And just in case you haven’t figured it out yet…

This is my way of telling you:- you’re a terrible boss- you’re a terrible person- I deserve better

In Conclusion

I quit.

Sincerely,

KendraPS. I didn’t tell your wife you were at lunch with another woman yesterday.

I told her you were secretly buying her a brand new car, and you were bringing it home today. I think she’s expecting a Lexus.

You’re welcome.