Cracking the Code: Effective Parenting

through understanding your child’s motivations

Mary B. Moore, LCSW

Southeast Psych, Inc.

southeastpsych.com

What is motivation?

• internal state or condition that activates behavior and gives it direction

• desire or want that energizes and directs goal-oriented behavior

• influence of needs on the intensity and direction of behavior.

Each child (and adult) has a unique pattern of forces that motivates him or her.

What inspires one person, may be totally ineffective for another.

Just as teachers tailor instructional methods to meet the academic needs of each student, we as parents must also use a variety of motivational techniques to guide and bring out the best in our children.

“If there is anything that we wish to change in a child, we should first

examine it and see whether it is not something that could be better

changed in ourselves.”Carl Jung

Without motivation, there is NO learning

Research dictates that the learning process begins and is reinforced with motivation

Discipline does not exist without teaching and Discipline does not exist without teaching and LEARNING.LEARNING.

The Key Foundation to Effective Parenting is to

seek to truly understand and parent according to your child’s

Unique strengths & abilitiesMotivational needs & drives

The 3 Steps to Effective ParentingThe 3 Steps to Effective Parenting

Step 1: UnderstandStep 2: PlanStep 3: Do the 4 P’s

(Proactive, Practice, Positive Reinforcement, Penalty)

One size does not fit all

Step 1: Seek to Understand Step 1: Seek to Understand • Who is your child? Temperament, personality,

likes & dislikes, special needs/issues

• What is occurring?

• Where is it occurring? Home, school, athletic fields, in public, private?

• When is it occurring? Morning, afternoon, evening? Certain situations?

• Why is the behavior occurring? What is the motivation, function or goal of the behavior?

Understanding your child: A Closer Look…

Temperament: Easy, Slow to Warm, Feisty

Personality: Introvert – get energy from within (thinking, problem-solving)Extroverts- get energy from outside (people, stimulating environment)

Special needs/issues:ADHDAnxietyAutism Spectrum Sensory Processing IssuesSignificant events: Trauma, abuse, loss

Basic needs met? Slept? Ate? Sick? Allergies?

Most children share the common need to:

• Belong and be accepted (attention)• Have power and control• Have freedom and independence (to

rebel)• Have fun

What is the function of the problem behavior? What is my child trying to achieve?

• avoiding something• getting something• making something

happen • releasing anxiety or

anger

Core Needs driving behavior

While engaged in his/her special interest?Why?

Because it fulfills his/her individual needs for fun/pleasure, independence, belonging, power, and control.

Because your child feels mastery.mastery.

When you can incorporate needs, strengths, When you can incorporate needs, strengths, interests, and mastery into a previously interests, and mastery into a previously

opposed task, chances of successful compliance opposed task, chances of successful compliance increase.increase.

When you can incorporate needs, strengths, When you can incorporate needs, strengths, interests, and mastery into a previously interests, and mastery into a previously

opposed task, chances of successful compliance opposed task, chances of successful compliance increase.increase.

How analyze the behavior trends using ABC

Antecedent Behavior ConsequenceWhat happened BEFORE?

What is the behavior? What happened immediately AFTER?

Environment Intensity Environment change

Setting Duration Said

Mood Frequency People

Time of Day

People

Note: You can analyze positive and negative behaviors with this model.

Step 2: PlanStep 2: Plan

Identify specific target behaviors (2-3) phrased in the positive:

Expressing your feelings appropriately

Completing Homework

Identifying the Positive Opposite Behavior (desirable alternative skill)

Negative Behavior

• Rude or mean talk

• Sarcastic

• Slouching, poor eye contact

• Tantrums, aggression

• Not following directions

• Procrastinating

Positive Opposite

• Say nice things

• Good tone of voice

• Stand straight, good eye contact

• Expressing feelings appropriately,

using calming techniques.

• Following directions first time asked

• Complete homework

If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you will keep

getting what you’ve always got.

Change in Antecedents and

Consequences = Change in Behavior

Step 3: Doing the 4 Step 3: Doing the 4 PP’s’s

•PProactive approach

•PPractice the new skill (desirable behavior)

•PPositive Reinforcement

•PPenalty

Be PProactive• Rules & Routines• Give Good Clear Instructions• Actively Ignore mild behaviors (whining, rude

noises, pleading, 1st refusals/complaints)• Contracts, Point Charts, & Token Systems

provide clear behavior expectations and associated rewards

• Be a Good Role Model! * Children learn far more from what is

seen & experienced than what is said to them.

Be PProactive…Change the antecedents according to the child’s

needs:• give advance warnings • avoid trigger situations• provide positive attention early • “Feed the need” early and often

Power: give choices, responsibility, leadership Fun: play, humor, turn directions into a game “Beat the Clock”Independence: encourage self-reliance; give projectsBelonging: use team approach

Mary’s Point Chart

Getting Up & Out in the

Morning

Bonus Total Points earned

Monday 4 4

Tuesday 3 3

Wednesday 4 4

Thursday 4 1 5

Friday 2 2TOTAL Points 17

Getting up by 6:30 am = 1 pointDressed & downstairs by 6:50 am= 1 pointBrush teeth = 1 pointAt the bus stop by 7:15 am = 1 point

Grab bag = 2 pointsSpecial activity w/ parent=2 pointsExtra 15 minute bedtime=4 pointsChoosing family dinner=6 pointsScreen time=6 pointsGoing out for ice cream= 8 points New Lip Gloss= 16 points

Setting Limits – A simply stated directive with associated consequence

Use a pleasant, matter-of-fact tone Be consistent and follow throughUse “Thinking words” versus “ Fighting words”

Behavior Fighting Words Thinking Words

Stalling

Do your homework or your grounded!

“ You are free to go outside and play as soon as you finish your homework.”

Sassiness/demanding Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice!

“I’ll listen to you as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.”

Tantrum Stop that right now! “ Would you like to go to your room walking or should I carry you?”

PPractice the new skill

Whatever the function of the misbehavior, it is crucial and most effective to teach them a better way to get what they want.

New coping, problem-solving, conflict-management and social skills can be taught, reinforced, and measured.

Teach a more appropriate way to achieve the goal:

Function Problem Behavior New Skill

Power, Control Verbal or Physical Aggression, refusals

Calmly expressing feelings and needs, teach compromise & negotiation

Escape Verbal or Physical Aggression, tantrums, refusals

Asking for help, negotiating more time, compromise, accepting ‘No’

Attention Whining, name-calling, rude behavior; complaining

Politely initiating communication/joining in behavior, asking for attention

Release Anxiety Verbal or Physical Aggression, tantrums

Calmly expressing anxious feelings, identifying triggers, 3 deep breaths, engaging in a pleasurable activity; asking for help, problem-solving

Retaliation Teasing back, hitting, stealing Appropriately expressing feelings, I-statements, conflict-management

Keys to learning a new skill:

• Prompt, Practice, Praise!• Prompt, Practice, Praise!• Prompt, Practice, Praise!• Prompt, Practice, Praise!• (repeat)

PPositive Reinforcement• Any behavior that is reinforced, either positively or

negatively will be repeated• Research shows that positive reinforcement is more

effective than punishment (penalty) to change behavior

• Positive Reinforcers includePraise & affirmationsThumbs up, hugs, high 5’sYour time & attention (games, activity)Privileges (late bedtime, King for the Night)Points, tokens, stars, stickersMaterial rewards – small toy, money, food treat

A word about praise and affirmations:Praise with description is good…

• “ Good job taking turns with your brother…”

• “I really liked how you got yourself dressed and cleaned for school this morning. Thank you….”

• “I noticed you walked away to cool off when you were getting annoyed with your little sister. Nice work ….”

…it is BETTER with an added Affirmation:

• “… You are a thoughtful brother.”

• “…You are very independent/responsible.”

• “…You are really in control.”

Praise with affirmations

nurtures a sense of success and mastery strengthens positive self-esteem fosters intrinsic motivation

* The only long term motivator of human behavior is successsuccess.

* Mastery fuels Motivation.

PPenalties & Punishment

Examples of Penalties & Punishments

Loss of privilege (computer, video, TV Time) Loss of a toy or possession Early bedtime Right the wrong Penalty “hard” chore (cleaning the garage, washing all

baseboards/window sills) Time Out

Note: Loss of special events or commitments is not recommended (e.g. Bday party, athletic practice or game, music lessons)

Parent with a PlanTarget

BehaviorProactive

Techniques(Before)

PracticeNew Skills

(Before & After)

Positive Reinforcement(Before, During,

After)

Penalties(After)

Self-calming and anger control

• Role Model anger management• Avoid Anger Triggers• “Feed the Need” for power, control, independence •Set limits escalating bx• Prompt & encourage new skills

•Calming – 3 deep breaths; counting to 50 by 5’s, walk away•Problem solving•Positive verbalization of feelings

• Praise & Affirmations for positive skills• Rewards (points, privileges ) for + behavior

•Time Out•Loss of Privileges•Right the wrong

Start completing homework

•Routine/schedule•“Feed the Need” for fun early• Provide incentives• Break into smaller steps• Set limits

•Time management•Organization•Asking for help•Verbalization of feelings

• Praise & Affirmation• Rewards (points, privileges ) for compliance

• Natural consequences•Loss of privileges

Our Parenting Plan

Target Behaviors

Proactive: What will I do differently to set up my child for success?

Practice : What skills will I role model, teach and encourage?

Positive Reinforcement: How will I acknowledge & reward?

Penalties: What penalties will I use?

My child’s strengths: Interests:

Motivational drives:

Final thoughts….

“A Jedi gains power through understanding and a

Sith gains understanding through power.”

ChancellorPalpatine (aka Darth Sidious)

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith