copyright influence mastery inc. rapport hacks.pdf · 2017. 5. 7. · rapport: a central foundation...

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Rapport: A Central Foundation of NLP 4

The Stepping Stones to Rapport 7

Public Projection and Why It Matters 11

The Power of Matching and Mirroring 16

What is Pacing & Leading? 25

In Focus: Rapport and Virtual Environments 29

A Reasonable Approach to Breaking Rapport 31

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Dear reader,

Thanks for downloading NLP Rapport Hacks.

What you have here is a tactical guide for

using NLP to create rapport with anyone.

If you want to learn my complete NLP system

then…

Click here to learn more:

Paul

! .3






Rapport: A Central Foundation of NLP

Rapport may well be one of the most important foundations of neuro-linguistic programming because it is really at the

heart of every successful human interaction, both in the past and the

present.

Neuro-linguistic programming was only able to shed a light as to how it worked and how

it can be consciously applied in any situation. Natural communicators and

speakers were already using the principle of rapport before any formal discipline was able to pin it down and define its

contours.

Rapport works extremely well in different

situations because it allows people to reach out to each other in a very respectful and harmonious manner.

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Rapport can only increase over time. So as long as a person is able to continue adding to the initial rapport, the harmony created

at the beginning of a conversation will remain and will even be reinforced by the

other subjects involved in the dialog or interaction.

One of the biggest misconceptions about

rapport is that it only has to be used in the beginning of an interaction. People

tend to think that it’s like 46

a hat that can easily be discarded when you get someone to say “yes” to what you want.

This isn’t the case. If you want truly meaningful interactions with other people,

you have to realize that rapport or harmony should be present in all your interactions. It should remain at the very center of

every social strategy that you create. It should also be a priority when you are

trying to persuade or influence someone.

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Rapport is one of those things in life that can be likened to credit or cash. You only know that you need more of it when what you

have right now is no longer sufficient for your needs.

For example, a teacher who thinks that it is perfectly fine to “do his own thing” day in and day out may one day find himself at

a loss as to why his own students would give him a very poor performance

evaluation.

The problem in such cases is always poor or distorted communication. A whole blizzard

of problems emerges from a single defect in communication.

How does neuro-linguistic programming actually define rapport? In its simplest form, rapport is merely the absence of

friction between individuals. Rapport can also be defined based on its positive

outcome – harmony.

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When there is complete harmony between individuals in an interaction, then we can say that there is definitely rapport.

Rapport is often built from the ground up.

The more effort you spend in establishing

rapport, the better the results. The big difference between rapport and all the other communication strategies from the

other disciplines is that rapport emphasizes mutual benefit and a dynamic

connection between individuals.

The Stepping Stones to Rapport Rapport can most certainly emerge from any

social interaction. In fact, you can establish rapport even if you weren’t

expecting it if things click together. The following are the different levels of human experience and factors that affect your

ability to establish rapport with people:

1. Places that you frequent 50

2. New people that you meet at work or in clubs and organizations that you join

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3.Your physical appearance

4.Your physical projection

5.Your handling of verbal language

6.Your handling of nonverbal language

7.Your current communication skills

8.Your core beliefs in life

9.Your core values

10.Your identity as a person

If you want to sharpen your skill in establishing rapport with other people,

there are four basic steps that will help you achieve that:

1.When you are interacting with other

people, exert some extra effort to become genuinely interested in what they have to

say.

Ask questions to draw out important information but at the same time, learn to

actively listen so that the other person

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will see and feel that you are indeed a good communicator.

If you are perceived as a good

communicator, people around you will be comfortable talking to you and even new

acquaintances will trust you more easily. Make it your primary goal to understand where your subject is coming from.

Do not expect your subject to exert effort to understand you. Remember – the outcome

of all communication efforts depends on the speaker or communicator. So when you set out to talk to someone, you take full

responsibility for the outcome of that interaction.

2. Listen closely to your subject when he is talking. Observe how your subject actually expresses himself and take note of

any special mannerism or phrases that he uses frequently.

Use these special elements later on so that you will slowly match the other person. I

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am not asking you to mimic the other person so much that you will appear comical.

No, what I want you to focus on is to match

the other person’s energy and subtly lead him to where you really want him to be. For

example, if your subject is angry because he encountered traffic, try to be a little mad as well about a similar problem so that

you will align with his current wavelength.

By aligning to his current wavelength, you

will be able to influence his behavior and thinking pattern. The biggest mistake that any communicator can do is to try to stop a

person from thinking the way he does instantly.

Try that and I can assure you that all you will be getting is plenty of resistance. No one likes the idea of being controlled. One

can only subtly pace and lead a person.

3. Determine how the other person processes

information. Does he like talking about “the big picture” or does he prefer to

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discuss the smaller steps and fine details of the current topic?

Once you have determined the other person’s

preference when it comes to information, gradually adjust your own approach so that

he will be able to fully comprehend what you are trying to communicate in the first place.

For example, if you are trying to sell a business owner new software, you need to

explain the benefits of the new software in a way that he will fully understand.

Public Projection and Why It Matters

Each person has two images of himself. The first image is his mental image which is

often created with a ‘rosy’ lens. People only see what they want to see and often, this is reflected in their own mental

images. Positive aspects of oneself always take precedence over negative aspects.

The result is a self-image that is only partially true, because it does not take

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into consideration the various elements that can be improved. The second self-image that we all have (and we usually do not

consciously control) is our public projection.

Our public projection is the image of ourselves that is seen by other people. Obviously, this particular image can be

quite different from the rosy, ideal self-image that we have of ourselves.

Our public projection can be so different that we may end up wondering why sometimes, we don’t create the desired impact on

people. Part of your training in neuro-linguistic programming is heightened self-

awareness.

Before you use NLP on other people to help them solve their problems, you must be

aware of yourself and your own imperfections so that you may start

addressing these problems yourself.

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Only when a person is aware of his own weaknesses would he be strong enough mentally and emotionally to help others.

Self-awareness also strengthens a person’s resolve to follow- through with different

forms of change, which is always a necessary component in many of life’s tough goals.

Whenever you have to talk to people or present important ideas in a presentation,

ask yourself this vital question: what kind of first impression am I creating?

We must always remember that lifelong

opinions of other people are often created within the first one to three minutes of

the first meeting. First impressions do last!

Some of you might be saying – well, we can

always repair the damage done by a lousy first impression. That is true, but what

would you rather have: a good first impression (with lasting benefits) or a bad first impression and perhaps a few years of

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repair work ahead of you? If you do it right the first time, you won’t have to repair your self-image.

Many people think that appearances are generally deceiving and that people are now

more interested in hearing out a person before making a judgment.

This critical leaning is a good development

in our modern civilization but it doesn’t mean that our instinctual drive to analyze

and categorize people within minutes of meeting them will be erased by this tendency.

In short – people will still be secretly measuring you based on the first impression

that you make. Some of you might be furious at the idea – it is irrational, I know.

But we must remember that people often base

their decisions on irrational grounds.

We only know how to rationalize our deeds

which is why we often appear as very rational creatures. But in reality, we

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rarely take the time to analyze what we are about to do. We just do it – and then rationalize our deed later to lend it some

sense of logic and legitimacy.

So the next time you appear in front of an

audience, think of your appearance. Does the mental image of yourself match what others are seeing?

When you speak in front of people, does your body language actually ooze of

confidence and competence? Or is it the other way around? It 62

can be really difficult at first to measure

the similarity or dissonance of the two self-images.

So if you are having a lot of trouble comparing the two, I suggest that you get someone who can watch you present or talk

so you can get that person’s opinion.

Remember, you don’t need a lot of analysis

to get a first impression. First impressions are handled by the subconscious

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mind. After the subconscious mind finishes tagging someone does the conscious mind kick in with how to deal with the person

based on the first impression that he has given.

The Power of Matching and Mirroring Matching and mirroring are two essential skills that will allow you to establish

rapport with anyone in a shorter period of time. Matching and mirroring can also be

used to measure the existing rapport between two or more individuals.

To illustrate this point, try watching two

best friends when they talk. Observe how these two individuals talk and move as they

banter. Did you notice something special between them?

What you are actually seeing is matching

and mirroring. One person mirrors the other. Then the second person matches the

movement of the other. They do it because they are comfortable, happy and they are at ease.

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This is the kind of rapport that we want when we are interacting with other people. Of course, we can’t be best friends with

every person that we have to talk to. In fact, it would be extremely exhausting if

we had to do that because establishing snap friendships can be tiresome (at best).

But even if we can’t do that, it doesn’t

mean that we can’t apply the method to our daily interactions. On the contrary, you

can always use matching and mirroring regardless of who is 65

in front of you. So how can you start using

this marvelous approach to establishing instant rapport with people? The first

thing that you have to do is activate the VAK/VAKOG system.

Let your senses run wild and let your

imagination do its work. Listen as if this is the first time that you are listening to

someone talk. Pay close attention to what the other person is saying and respond not

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only through verbal language but through body language.

Observe how the other person talks and

moves and try to naturally match what he’s doing. The idea here is to start mimicking

some of the other person’s gestures and expressions so that later on, he would do the same for you.

When the other persons starts mimicking your movements and your expressions that is

a time that you can be sure that you have been successful in matching and mirroring.

Are you eager to get started on matching

and mirroring? Here are some ways that you can ignite rapport in a conversation

without looking the part of someone who wants to speed up the process of rapport:

1. Observe the other person’s posture. Does

he look tense or relaxed? Does he look lazy or confident? Match the person’s posture to

begin the aligning yourself with the person’s wavelength.

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If the other person feels lazy, you are showing that you understand his feeling at the moment and he will be less resistant to

your message because you appear to be non- threatening. Harmonizing with the other

fellow is the key here. The more you harmonize, the more comfortable the other person gets.

2. Check out the subject’s gestures. Does he wave around his arms when he gets

excited?

Does he fiddle with his pen or press his cellular phone when he is listening to you?

Does he like to gesture with his hands when he is trying to emphasize important points?

Match these gestures when you talk and watch the magic of mirroring take place.

3. A person’s breathing rate can reveal his

state of mind. A person with a fast breathing rate may be agitated, nervous,

excited or downright frightened.

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By matching the other person’s breathing rate, you would be able to pace and eventually lead the person to a more

desirable state. For example, if the other person is breathing fast because he is

agitated, increasing your breathing rate will allow you to get his full attention and then you can slow down your breathing

rate afterward.

The other person will most likely mirror

you and you would both have more comfortable breathing rates afterward. The idea behind matching and mirroring is not

to let the other person take control of the conversation or interaction.

On the contrary, you are matching the other person with the intent of eventually taking control of the interaction so that you will

succeed with what you want to happen in the first place.

4. Measure the other person’s energy level. Some people like gesturing from the chest up. These folks are “high energy” people

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who really like to pump things up when they are talking. Some folks are so shy that they keep their hands on their sides.

They do this so that their voices do not rise too much and they won’t sound like

they want to take control of the interaction. If the other person’s energy level works for you, then by all means,

don’t try leading the person to a higher or lower energy level.

But if the subject’s energy level is too high or too low for your taste, then it might help to first match the other

person’s energy level so that you can eventually adjust it to a more comfortable

level.

5. And then we have the other person’s speech rate and speech tone. A very excited

person would speak very fast and would also have a higher tone of voice. How does your

subject speak to you?

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Why does he speak that way? Is it because he is excited or bored? Or is he trying to sound excited so that you won’t be

offended? Determine those things and make the adjustments needed to make the

interaction work.

Important Note:

Beginning NLP practitioners often perform

mechanical copying of other people’s gestures, expressions, etc. While it is

true that it is difficult to performing matching and mirroring without making it look mechanical. But don’t worry – the more

you practice, the more natural it would become over time.

However, I have to warn you not to engage in obvious mimicry. Mimicry is defined as “the action or practice of the art of

mimicking”. Mimicking in itself is just artificial imitation of someone else’s

gestures and words. Mimicking is done for its own sake; it doesn’t belong in neuro-linguistic programming.

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People often mimic when they want to mock or make fun of someone else. So with this in mind I also have to warn you against

matching uncontrollable gestures and facial expressions. For example, if the other

person had an inborn facial tic, you should never, ever match the tic even if it is very obvious or if it is done very

frequently.

Why? Because the other person probably

dislikes the tic very much and would do anything to get rid of the tic. The same applies to uncontrollable gestures and

peculiar movements.

For example, if a person flicks his hands

every so often because of a physical condition, ignore the hands but watch how he moves his body when he leans in to talk

to you. You can also observe how the other person reacts when you say specific things

to him.

How does he react when you object to what he says? How does he react when you laugh

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when he cracks a joke? These are the more important 75

interstices in the other person’s verbal

and nonverbal armor that you must pay attention to so that you can establish

rapport more quickly.

Before trying out this method on other people, it would be a good idea to practice

at home alone in front of a mirror. Just visualize another person talking to you and

see how you would look like when you are matching someone’s actions and gestures. You will notice immediately that when you

match someone, there has to be a bit of a delay to make the next action, expression

or gesture look more natural.

Develop your newfound skill so that people would never think that you were just

mimicking them to make fun of them. I know that this is a terrible thing and as an NLP

practitioner you would never do it on purpose. But here’s the thing about body language and such – you never have full

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control of every little detail involved in a personal interaction.

There will be times when your best efforts

will produce only mediocre results. There will be times when the desired outcome will

not emerge at all. You have to be prepared for these realities so you would be able to improve your craft and protect yourself

from undesirable outcomes in the future.

What is Pacing & Leading?

Pacing and leading are two other skills that you need if you want to establish rapport. Pacing and leading are

complementary skills. When you pace someone, you do it with the intention of

eventually leading him to a particular state that you believe is beneficial to both of you. Here’s an illustrative

example.

Let’s say you wanted to board a bus but the

bus has already started running. You want to jump on the bus but in order to do so, you would have to run alongside the

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vehicle. You not only have to run alongside the bus but you also have to increase your speed to match the current speed of the

vehicle.

If you try to jump in the bus without

enough speed, it is likely that you are going to get hurt in the process. But if you are able to gather enough speed to

match the exact speed of the bus, you will be able to jump in without a scratch.

Pacing and leading apply not only to gestures and body language in general but also to verbal exchanges between people. If

you are set on influencing another person so that he will see things your way, you

would have to pace and lead him so that there would be a minimum of resistance.

Pacing and leading will also give you

access to the person’s innermost thoughts and that is actually quite important in

drawing out potential roadblocks to your success. These roadblocks are simply the hidden objections of people.

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Hidden objections are objections that are not verbalized by people for a variety of reasons. For example, if you are trying to

convince someone to leave a particular method for your own method, you would have

to draw out the different objections that this person may have about the idea itself.

If you cannot draw out these objections,

they will stay hidden from view and the other person will continue to say “no” to

you. You will end up becoming more and more frustrated because all your arguments will fall on deaf ears.

Of course, we don’t want this to happen at all. We want our efforts to pay off

(immediately, if possible). So my advice to you when you are pacing someone with the intention of influencing him or changing

his mind about something, you just keep doing it until you reach that exact moment

that the person is already caving in and saying yes to what you’re saying.

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That is the time when you should start leading him to where you want him to be. Until this time is reached, do not try to

lead the person because he will feel that you are consciously trying to take control

of him and when this happens and the conditions are less than ideal, a lot of negative things can happen.

For example, the other person can just say “no” and walk away from the conversation.

The other person can also accuse you of being manipulative. These are quite plain realities that we all have to deal with and

if it does happen, you have to learn from the experience and do better next time.

I am also advocating behavior flexibility – you have to be adaptive and you have to change what you are doing if it is not

working. Focus on the outcomes that you want and stick to the path that gives you

access to those wonderful, desirable outcomes.

! .28





In Focus: Rapport and Virtual Environments Several decades ago, the idea of really communicating with someone through an

interconnected network of computers and devices was the stuff of fantasy. The idea

belonged to the books of science fiction, not reality. Today, we live in a world that is absolutely ruled by virtual

communication.

And virtual communication is a wonderful

thing because it has allowed so many things to become possible for countless people around the world. Don’t let virtual

communication hinder you from becoming an effective communicator and NLP

practitioner.

Here are some expert tips on improving rapport in a virtual environment:

1. If you are about to speak to a lot of people over the telephone or over service

like Skype, make sure that all individuals are connected before you start talking.

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2. Before everyone starts exchanging ideas and information, set an agenda that you will all follow.

3. Inform the others that you are expecting a specific set of outcomes from the meeting

and that it would be best to work toward these outcomes.

4. It is possible that not everyone in the

teleconference or Skype meeting will be talking. Do not close the meeting until

everyone has given their input. Encourage other members of the meeting to talk and share their ideas and really listen to

them.

5. If some people are talking among

themselves, stop them and try to lead them back to the main topic.

6. It is harder to catch information over

the phone or over a non-video conference because people won’t see your face when you

talk. With this in mind, you have to slow down and repeat parts of your statements to

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ensure that everyone is getting what you are saying.

7. Employ the VAK system and adapt to the

specific preferences of people.

8. Call people by their name before stating

something so that your subject would pay attention before you give your facts.

9. Imagine how the other person would react

to your words.

A Reasonable Approach to Breaking Rapport

This may sound strange to some readers because I have been discussing rapport so

extensively in the previous sections that one would think that it’s a little crazy to

break rapport with another person. Why would anyone want to break rapport with another person? Here’s a short story that

will shed light on this matter:

There was once a doctor who was extremely

popular with all of her patients. She was so popular in fact that she always appeared

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on top of all patient surveys. Her secret (as you may have already guessed) is rapport with all of her patients.

She made sure that she spent more than the necessary amount of time for each patient.

It was common for her to exceed the regular one hour allotment for each of her patients. This would have been a nice

scenario if she did not actually fall behind in terms of handling all of her

appointments.

In the case of this doctor, her rapport with her patients meant the patients loved

talking to her so much that she spent more time with each patient. The doctor soon

became stressed and overburdened with the sheer number of appointments that she had to handle on a daily basis.

When she approached a counselor for advice, she discovered that she had a problem

breaking rapport with people. She had a natural ability to establish rapport with all of her patients but her problem was

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that the interactions were so successful that she could not break away from the interactions even if she really had to.

As one can imagine, if this problem persists, the doctor would have probably

succumbed to overwork and she would probably have to turn away some appointments every week just to cope with

the demand for her services.

As an NLP practitioner, you should be aware

of how to actually break the rapport you have with another person without offending your subject.

Some people might be thinking – it’s easy to break rapport; I can be rude and the

rapport will end immediately!

That’s correct, you can actually break rapport by mistreating another person. But

then again, imagine the outcome of that type of approach to breaking rapport.

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The other person would probably mistrust you and may not even want to talk to you next time.

Strategically breaking rapport is necessary if you want the other person to be

comfortable and trusting the next time you meet. Here are some ways that you can sensitively end rapport in an interaction

without hurting anyone’s feelings:

1. Gradually create dissonance between your

posture and the other person’s posture. When you want to establish rapport, it is common for NLP practitioners to match the

active posture of their subject.

If you want to break rapport, you need to

do the opposite. You need to create some dissonance between your posture and the other person’s posture so that the

harmonizing trance will end.

2. Break eye contact with the person toward

the end of your interaction.

3. Change the expression of your eyebrows.

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4. Modify how you sound. If you were loud before, try lowering your tone of voice. If you had a lower tone beforehand, try

increasing your tone for effect.

5. Strategic silence often helps in

breaking rapport.

6. Turn your head away from the person. But don’t turn your back – you may

inadvertently send a very negative message to the other person. Instead of just

breaking the rapport because you have to leave the conversation, you might end up sending a message like “I don’t want to see

your face”.

Be careful with the messages that you send

with your body language. We all have an inborn ability to understand body language.

The other person may not have the special

knowledge to explain what he feels when he observes your negative body language, but

his subconscious mind will begin generating

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thoughts like “he doesn’t like you at all” or “he is not showing any respect”.

Trust me – you do not want this kind of

problem hanging over your head the next time you meet this person.

7.Learn to say the golden phrases like “I will see you next time”, “thank you very much for that great discussion” and

“goodbye and be safe”.

I know that many people like waiting for

the other person to say these phrases because it’s polite to wait, but sometimes, you have to be the one who will signal the

end of the interaction. Just make sure you say goodbye to the other person properly.

Some of you might be wondering: when is the right time to end an interaction? Here are some key situations where you definitely

have to break rapport:

1. When a customer agrees to buy something,

he should be left for a few minutes to review the terms of the sale. Standing over

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another person’s shoulder as he mulls over his decision to buy something is never a good practice.

2. When you already have all the details you need from another person and the

conversation has already veered off topic.

3.When you are talking to one person and you see another person that you need to

talk to urgently about something.

4. When you feel weary and exhausted from

all the talking.

5. When you are doing something at the moment and you really need to finish it.

6. When the other person is trying to lure you into topics and issues that you are not

comfortable in discussing.

What you have here is a tactical guide for using NLP to create rapport with anyone.

If you want to learn my complete NLP system then…

Click here to learn more:

! .37






! .38




copyright influence mastery inc. rapport hacks.pdf · 2017. 5. 7. · rapport: a central foundation...

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