ContentJournalist.com / Rusty Cawley, APR

Copy Makeover No. 2Restaurants.com, news release, http://goo.gl/u12TP

Before ...     Restaurant.com,   the   nation's   largest   dining   deals   site,   is  committed   to   supporting   independently-­‐owned   restaurants  nationwide.   In   addition   to   helping   :ill   nearly   5.5   million  tables  a  year  on  average  at   local  dining  establishments,   the  company   is   taking   this   dedication   a   step   further   by  organizing  and  hosting  Dine  Local  Dish  Mobs  events       The   program   includes   a   series   of   local   market   events  designed  to  inspire  communities  to  dine  and  boost  business  at  local,  independently-­‐owned  restaurants.    From  February  20  through  March  1,  2013,  Restaurant.com  will   encourage   consumers   to   patronize   independently-­‐owned   restaurants   in   their   own   communities   by   hosting  Dish   Mobs   events   in   select   markets:   Orlando,   Raleigh,  Baltimore,  Salt  Lake  City  and  Dallas.     "Restaurant.com   has   helped   independently-­‐owned  restaurants   thrive   since   1999,"   said   Restaurant.com  President   and   Chief   Marketing   Of:icer,   Christopher   Krohn.  "Through   the   Dish   Mobs   initiative,   we   will   generate  awareness   and   ask   diners   nationwide   to   join   us   in   our  mission   to   help   communities   and  small  businesses   prosper  by   visiting   a   great,   locally-­‐owned   restaurant  as   part   of   the  Dish  Mobs  campaign.    Participating  in  Dine  Local  Dish  Mobs  is  also  a  delicious  way  to  discover  a  great  new  restaurant,  the  best   local  bartender  or  the  most  decadent  dessert  just  minutes  from  home."    Restaurant.com  :irst  hosted  Dish  Mobs  events   in  fall  2012  and  the  campaign  was  overwhelmingly  received  by  the  small  business   community   as   well   as   those   consumers   who   are  dedicated  to  "buy  local"  and  "dine  local".    As  a  result,  the  company  is  partnering  with  local  community  members,   organizations   and   bloggers   to   bring   the   second  series  of  Dish  Mobs  events  to  life  in  select  markets.

Makes  the  reader  work  to  :ind  the  news.

56  of  260  words  have  3-­‐plus  syllables.

Written  for  high  school  grads,  scoring  a  13.14  on  the  Gunning  Fog  Index.

Uses  too  many  unnecessary  words.

Does  anyone  really  talk  like  this?  

... and after

   From  now  through  March  1,  Restaurant.com  is  calling  on  local  diners  in  :ive  U.S.  cities  to  spend  $20  with  an  independent  restaurant  near  them.    The  nation’s   largest   site  for   dining  deals  will  host   Dine   Local   Dish   Mob   events   on   Feb.   20-­‐March   1   at   chosen   spots   in   Orlando,   Raleigh,  Baltimore,  Salt  Lake  City  and  Dallas.     “It’s   a   great   way   to   discover   and   support   a  restaurant   in   your   town,”   company   president  Christopher   Krohn   said.   “We   held   Dish   Mob  events   in  2012  and  we   found   they   spread  our  message:   ‘Buy   local,   dine   local.’  Taking   part   is  an  easy  and  tasty  way  to  help  your  city  thrive.”     Each   year,   Restaurant.com   assists   in   :illing  about   5.5.   million   tables   at   independent  restaurants  across  the  nation.

Taking  out  the  needless  words  cuts  the  length  by  half  .

Quotes  should  read  like  people  really  talk.Re-­‐written  for  

seventh  graders  with  a  Gunning  score  of  7.787.  

Puts  the  news  right  up  front.

Cuts  down  multi-­‐syllable  words  to  13.

Side by side

AFTER      From  now  through  March  1,  Restaurant.com  is  calling  on  local  diners   in  :ive  U.S.  cities  to  spend  $20  in  an  independent  restaurant  near  them.     The   nation’s   largest   site   for   dining   deals   will  host   Dine   Local   Dish   Mob   events   on   Feb.   20-­‐March   1   at   chosen   spots   in   Orlando,   Raleigh,  Baltimore,  Salt  Lake  City  and  Dallas.     “It’s   a   great   way   to   discover   and   support   a  restaurant   in   your   town,”   company   president  Christopher   Krohn   said.   “We   held   Dish   Mob  events   in   2012   and   we   found   they   spread   our  message:   ‘Buy   local,  dine   local.’   It’s  an   easy  and  tasty  way  to  help  your  city  thrive.”     Each   year,   Restaurant.com   assists   in   :illing  about   5.5.   million   tables   at   independent  restaurants  across  the  nation.

BEFORE    Restaurant.com,   the  nation's   largest  dining  deals  site,   is  committed  to   supporting   independently-­‐owned   restaurants   nationwide.   In  addition  to  helping   :ill   nearly  5.5  million  tables  a  year  on  average  at  local   dining  establishments,   the   company   is   taking   this   dedication  a  step  further  by  organizing  and  hosting  Dine  Local  Dish  Mobs  events       The  program   includes   a   series   of  local   market   events  designed  to  inspire   communities   to   dine   and   boost   business   at   local,  independently-­‐owned  restaurants.     From   February   20   through   March   1,   2013,   Restaurant.com   will  encourage  consumers  to  patronize  independently-­‐owned  restaurantsin   their   own   communities   by   hosting   Dish   Mobs   events   in   select  markets:  Orlando,  Raleigh,  Baltimore,  Salt  Lake  City  and  Dallas.     "Restaurant.com   has   helped   independently-­‐owned   restaurants  thrive   since   1999,"   said   Restaurant.com   President   and   Chief  Marketing   Of:icer,   Christopher   Krohn.   "Through   the   Dish   Mobs  initiative,   we  will   generate   awareness   and  ask   diners  nationwide  to  join   us   in   our   mission   to   help   communities   and   small   businesses  prosper   by   visiting  a   great,   locally-­‐owned   restaurant   as   part   of   the  Dish  Mobs  campaign.     Participating   in   Dine   Local   Dish  Mobs   is   also   a   delicious   way   to  discover  a  great  new  restaurant,   the  best  local  bartender  or  the  most  decadent  dessert  just  minutes  from  home."    Restaurant.com  :irst  hosted  Dish  Mobs   events   in   fall  2012  and  the  campaign   was   overwhelmingly   received   by   the   small   business  community   as   well   as   those   consumers   who   are   dedicated   to   "buy  local"  and  "dine  local".     As   a   result,   the   company   is   partnering   with   local   community  members,   organizations   and   bloggers   to   bring   the   second   series   of  Dish  Mobs  events  to  life  in  select  markets.

Takeaway: The goal of the lead paragraph

✤ The  lead  graf  has  only  one  function:  To  hook  the  readers  and  keep  them  reading.  

✤ The  lead  cannot  become  a  dumping  ground  for  the  client’s  ego  -­‐-­‐  not  if  you  want  anyone  to  actually  read  the  story.

✤ If  the  client  insists  on  burying  your  news  hook  under  a  pile  of  corporate  crap,  then  negotiate  to  get  the  hook  into  the  headline  and  the  subhead.  

✤ Or  get  another  client.

Follow these 10 principles for clear writing *✤ Keep sentences short, on

average.

✤ Prefer the simple to the complex.

✤ Prefer the familiar word.

✤ Cut unnecessary words.

✤ Put action in your verbs.

✤ Write as you speak.

✤ Prefer the concrete to the abstract.

✤ Relate to your reader’s experience.

✤ Vary your style.

✤ Write to express, not to impress.

* from Robert Gunning, The Techniques of Clear Writing

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