contact a family - a guide to dealing with bullying: for parents of disabled children

8/14/2019 Contact a Family - A guide to dealing with bullying: for parents of disabled children

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A guide to dealing with bullying: for parents of disabled children

Information for families

A guide to dealing with bullying:

for parents of disabled childrenIncorporating TheLady Hoare Trust

UK


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A guide to dealing w ith bullying: for parents of disabled children A guide to dealing with bullying: for parents of disabled children

Freephone helpline: 0808 808 555Web:www.cafamily.org.uk

A guide to dealing with bullying: for parents of disabled children

Introduction

Parents can feel a whole range of emotions whenthey discover their child is being bullied. While initialfeelings may include isolation, anger, sadness andguilt, it is important to remember there is a wayforward.

This guide is for parents of disabled children. Itcontains information about spotting the signs ofbullying, the action you can take, your childs rightsand stories and tips from other parents. We hope itwill give you ideas about what might work, things youcould try and help you feel that you are not alone.

We spoke to a number of parents of disabledchildren who helped in writing this guide. The quotesincluded throughout the guide are their stories,thoughts and experiences. We thank them for sharingtheir insight, wisdom and help.

Throughout the guide we use the term disabledchildren. We use this term to include disabledchildren, children with special educational needs(SEN), children with a medical condition and childrenwith additional needs.

Contents

What is bullying? ..........................................................................................................................3Spotting if your child is being bullied ....................................................................................5Coping with the effects of bullying and developing strategies ................................ .... 8Bullying at school .................................. ................................. ................................. ................... 12Moving schools ...........................................................................................................................20If your child is exhibiting bullying behaviour ................................. ................................. ...21Bullying in different places and online ................................. ................................. ............. 23One parents story .....................................................................................................................24Useful organisations ................................................................................................................25

What is bullying?Bullying can take place anywhere; inschools, in the wider community andonline. The Anti-Bullying Alliance denesbullying as people doing nasty or unkindthings to you on purpose, more thanonce, which it is difcult to stop. TheDepartment for Children, Schools andFamilies Safe to Learn guidance denesbullying as behaviour by an individualor group usually repeated over time, thatintentionally hurts another individual orgroup either physically or emotionally.

Bullying can be:

verbal: name calling, insulting, teasing physical: pushing, shoving, hitting,kicking, damage to property andbelongings

indirect: spreading nasty stories,exclusion from friendship groups,rumour spreading

cyber bullying: bullying by textmessages, mobile phones, email, chatforums, websites and instant messaging.

Disabled children may also experiencedifferent forms of bullying like:

manipulative bullying: where a person iscontrolling someone

conditional friendship: where a childthinks someone is being their friend buttimes of friendliness are alternated withtimes of bullying

exploitative bullying: where features of achilds condition are used to bully them.

He wanted to please them, wantedto be friends so he didnt see it as a

problem.

It wasnt long before people realised

that they could take advantage of her.

Hes hypersensitive to smell. Theydspray deodorant in the room so he hadto leave the room.


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A guide to dealing w ith bullying: for parents of disabled children A guide to dealing with bullying: for parents of disabled children 5


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Disabled children may be morevulnerable to bullyingChildren are more likely to be bulliedwhen they are vulnerable in some way.Research suggests that disabled childrenare three times more likely than theirpeers to be bullied. A recent survey bythe charity Mencap discovered that 8 outof 10 children with a learning disabilityhave been bullied. Peoples assumptionsand prejudices about disability can make

disabled children more vulnerable tobullying.

Why disabled children are morevulnerable to bullyingDisabled children may be morevulnerable to bullying because:

of negative attitudes towards disability a lack of understanding of different

disabilities and conditions they may be seen as different

they may not recognise that they arebeing bullied

they may be doing different work orhave additional support at school

they may be more isolated due to theirdisability

they may have difculties telling peopleabout bullying

they may nd it harder to make friends as a result of their condition, they may

exhibit bullying behaviour, or

they may experience lots of transitionswhich means they have to settleinto new environments. Examples oftransitions are moving from a specialunit to a mainstream school, spendingperiods of time in hospital and returningto school.

It is understandable to feel anxious aboutbullying, but its important to rememberthat not all disabled children are bullied.

Dont assume your child is going to bebullied but be prepared in case they are.

Prepare your child for school. If youreworried that theyre going to be a targetfor bullies think how do I prepare themfor this? Build their self condence and

self-esteem.

Spotting if your child isbeing bullied

It can be difcult to know if your child is

being bullied. Some children may hidetheir feelings and may be reluctant totell anyone. Other children may havedifculties communicating what ishappening to them. For children withsocial or communication difculties, theymay not realise they are being bullied.

My son has been bullied on schooltransport. He was a victim of happy

slapping but didnt tell us about itbecause he thought the boys were beinghis friends....We found out about it notfrom our son but through a friend whosedaughter had come home crying as

she was so upset about what she hadwitnessed on the bus.

Its really hard to nd out from himwhats happening. He doesnt realisethat its bullying and that theyre not just

playing.

Tips from parents about spottingbullyingWe asked parents how they realised theirchild was being bullied. They came upwith a number of clues that you can lookfor in your child which may mean that

theyre being bullied:

becoming withdrawn coming home with cuts and bruises losing belongings reluctant to go to school or to a youth

club anywhere where the bullies are doing less well at their schoolwork changes in their mood - becoming

depressed, angry, unhappy changes in their behaviour, for example

wetting the bed showing aggression at home with

siblings and other family members

feeling anxious difculties sleeping wanting to change their journey or time

of their journey to school.

He looked really fed up and was quieterthan usual. He felt sick on a Monday

morning which I think was anxiety. I knewsomething wasnt quite right.

Hed be upset in the morning saying hedidnt want to go. Hed think of anythingto try and get out of going to school hewas so unhappy.

He was coming home with his clothingtorn, his hood missing, sometimes with

bruises on him. He was often upset andstarted having nightmares

Some children do tell someone thattheyre being bullied.


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We were lucky. When it started, she toldus straight away.

Talking to your child about bullyingIf you think your child is being bullied, tr yto talk to them about it. Some childrenmay nd it hard to talk about it and maynot respond well to direct questioning.You may not want to ask them outrightif they are being bullied, but ratherask questions about their day, howtheyre feeling and give them time andopportunities to talk to you about it.

I didnt push the issue if he was reluctant

to talk, Id wait for him to open up. Id askhim questions about his day, what didyou have for lunch, did you see so andso today, did you play with him, who didyou play with?

Tips for talking to your child aboutbullyingIf you are worried that your child is beingbullied, Bullying UK suggest that parentsask:

what did you do at school today? who did you play with? what did you play? did you enjoy it? would you have liked to play with

someone else or play different games? what did you do at lunchtime? is there anyone you dont like at school?

Why? are you looking forward to school the

next day?

The questions you use may dependon the age of your child, their level of

understanding and the relevance to thesituation. You may need to change thequestions to suit the needs of your child.

I cant just ask him what happened atschool, I have to skirt around the issue.

When I asked about the bruises hewould lie and say he fell over. Eventuallyafter a couple of days and some gentlequestioning from us he then said what

happened.

If your child has difculties explainingwhat is happeningSome children may nd it difcult toanswer these types of questions. If your

child has difculties in explaining whatis happening to them or communicationdifculties, you may need to use differentways to communicate with them. Somethings you could do are:

draw pictures of your childs day orask them to draw what has happenedduring their day. For example youcould draw pictures of them at break,at lunchtime, in the classroom, movingabout the school, draw what games

they played use toys, puppets or pets to encourage

your child to talk. You could use themto tell a story of a child being bulliedand show how important it is to tellsomeone. Or your child may feel morecomfortable telling a toy or puppet whatis happening

use a diary system or a box whereyou can both write comments andquestions and then nd a quiet time totalk about them together

use scales to rate how your child isfeeling at different times during their

day. For example you could use anumber scale or trafc light systemwhere the different numbers or coloursmean different feelings. If you use thetrafc light system, you could use greenfor feeling good, orange for okay andred for upset

use pictures of faces showing differentexpressions to explain feelings. Youcould draw pictures of happy, sad,angry, crying faces and ask your child tochoose one to show how theyre feeling

use visual prompts like pictures inbooks, communication boards (visualsymbols organised by topic) and cuecards (cards containing a message in apicture or written format).

I drew a diagram of a body and askedhim to show me what had happened tohim. It was horrible when I realised theextent of this.

Further informationThe National Autistic Society hasfurther information about differentcommunication techniques and resourcesyou could use. See Useful Organisationson page 25 for their contact details.

Mencaps antibullying campaign, Dontstick it, Stop it has a website for childrenand young people with a learningdisability atWeb: http://www.dontstickit.org.ukYou can use the website to talk to yourchild about how bullying makes thecartoon character Sam feel and what heshould do.

When I asked about the

bruises he would lie and

say he fell over. Eventually

after a couple of days and

some gentle questioning

from us he then said what

happened.


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A guide to dealing w ith bullying: for parents of disabled children0 A guide to dealing with bullying: for parents of disabled children


represent levels of safety, for examplegreen for safe for the classroom,the toilets might be red for danger,orange for the unsighted parts of theplayground

practice responses your child could useif theyre bullied, like saying no, walkingaway condently, telling someone

work on social skills, reading facialexpressions and body language,listening skills and tone of voice

give your child the opportunity to safelyexpress their feelings about the bullying

talk about bullying at home, when

appropriate.

Suggestions of how to work with theschool are on page 13.

Your feelingsBullying can impact on the wholefamily. Many of the parents we spoke toexperienced a range of emotions whenthey found out their child was beingbullied, from anxiety and guilt to anger.Although its hard, its important to remaincalm and remember there is a wayforward.

I went to high anxiety within seconds. Iwanted to get in there and get it sorted.

It took an enormous effort and supportfrom my partner to take stock of thesituation and to be patient.

I felt that Id let her down because Ididnt know. I really didnt know. It was

my worst nightmare and so frightening.Why is this happening? Is it somethingIve done?

It can be very difcult letting your childgo to school if you know theyre being

bullied.

At work, my mind used to wander. Id bethinking, its lunchtime, I hope hes okay.

Felt sick with nerves making him go toschool everyday. Worried about what

was happening.

Managing your feelingsIt is natural to have these feelings butthere are things you can do to help copewith them:

talk about how you are feeling, perhapswith your partner or friends and family

if there is a support group for yourchilds condition, contact them. Theywill probably have had similar enquiries

from other parents remember youre not alone and it can

be resolved reassure yourself that youre doing a

good job get support to help you deal with

the situation from friends and family,local support groups and anti-bullyingorganisations

enjoy time together as a family.

Sometimes parents can feel that theyhave to handle this on their own. Thisdoesnt have to be the case, support is

out there.

Youre not the only one in this situation.You will come out the other side,

hopefully for the better.

Even if the bullying was resolved, someparents still felt anxious that it wouldhappen again.

Now its in the back of my mind as itshappened once before. I notice anycomments about so and so not playingwith him. Im trying to reassure myself Imdoing a good job.

I felt anxious that the bullying was

continuing even after it was resolved. Iwas worried if it was still continuing, is hebeing left out, is he interacting with otherchildren? I spoke to the school about thisand they let me come in at lunchtimeand discreetly watch my son in the

playground so I could see him playingwith others.

The effects on siblingsChildren and young people who havedisabled siblings or relatives can also be

affected by bullying. They may experiencebullying because of their siblings orrelatives disability.

Some of the families we spoke to hadexperienced this:

She came home in tears saying theydbeen saying various things out loud thats her with the spaz brother.

Her brother was bullied at school.Sometimes she was also bullied youknow how rumours are spread, things

hed done in the past. On one hand shefelt so protective, so defensive of her

sibling. On the other huge resentment he was causing her to get this griefwhich was out of her control.

They stressed the importance of talkingabout the situation within the family andalso getting outside help to deal with thebullying, like talking to the school.

We make bullying a point of discussionrather than a taboo issue. We talkedabout what she should be saying to

people, how to explain his condition.Hopefully it made it clearer about how toexplain it and her stronger to deal with it.

Our siblings guideContact a Family has a guide calledSiblings with information on how siblingsof a child who has a disability or a long-term condition can be supported andsome the typical issues that come up.

Bullying can impact on

the whole family. Many

of the parents we spoke

to experienced a range

of emotions when they

found out their child was

being bullied, from anxiety

and guilt to anger. Its

important to remember

there is a way forward.


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Call the Contact a Family helpline for afree copy.

Bullying at school

It can be hard for all parents to approachtheir childs school about bullying.Parents of disabled children may nd itespecially hard as there may be otherfactors inuencing their contact withthe school. For example, you may havestruggled to get your child a place there,the placement may only just be workingout or your child may be experiencing

difculties with other aspects of schoollife. However, schools do have anobligation to promote and safeguardthe welfare of all children and haveresponsibilities regarding bullying anddisablist bullying.

Letting the school know your concernsIf your child is being bullied at school,let the school know straight away. Someschools have communication systemsfor parents, like home-school diaries orhomework diaries. If your childs schoolhas a similar system you can use this totell the school about your concerns.

Some of the parents we spoke to used

these systems:

I wrote my concerns in hiscommunication book and the teachers

looked for any incidents.

The school had a policy aboutcommunication. You had to use thechilds diary which would go to the classteacher. Then you could speak to the

head of year, vice-head and head.

Who to speak toIf youre using a communication system,you may also want to speak to someoneat the school. It is a good idea to speak tothe class teacher to begin with. However,if you feel the situation is serious, youcould speak to the head teacher.

We asked parents who they spoke towhen they found out their child wasbeing bullied. The person at school theytalked to varied; for some it was the classteacher or Special Educational NeedsCo-ordinator (SENCO). A SENCO is themember of staff who has responsibilityfor co-ordinating special educational

needs provision. Other parents spoke tothe head of year and others to the headteacher.

I emailed the head and asked for ameeting. The school addressed the issuesimmediately we were very lucky andhad a good outcome.

When I found out what was happening,I went straight to the teacher, headteacher and my sons support staff.

Meeting with someone at the schoolThe bullying may not be resolvedimmediately. You may need to meet withthe class teacher or whoever you spoketo at the school a couple of times andwork with them to try and resolve thebullying. If you are worried about meetingwith the school, take someone to themeeting with you. You could take a friendor relative. A local voluntary organisationor national support group may be able tooffer support.

Your parent partnership service (England

and Wales only) may also be able tohelp. Parent partnership services provideadvice, support and information toparents and carers whose children havespecial educational needs. Not all parentpartnership services are able to supportparents whose children are being bullied,but some can.

I got unbelievable support from myparent partnership service. They helpedme with letter writing, help with thestatementing process for her emotionalneeds because of the bullying.

For details of your local parent partnershipservice contact your local authority or the

helpline on Tel: 0808 808 3555. You canalso visitWeb: http://www.parentpartnership.org.ukto search for details of your local service.

Tips on approaching the schoolWe asked parents for their tips on howto approach the school if you haveconcerns:

work with the school to resolve theissue. It may not happen immediately,

but keep meeting and working withthem

keep a record of all the incidents

keep photos if there are any physicalinjuries

ask for the bullying to be recorded inyour childs individual education plan,statement or co-ordinated support plan(Scotland), if they have one, and speakabout it at their annual review.

if your child is unable to attend schoolbecause of the stress of the bullying, goto your GP and get a sick note

get a copy of the schools anti-bullyingpolicy, behaviour policy and complaintsprocedure

if the bullying continues, you maywant to make a complaint. Followthe complaints procedure. Put yourcomplaint in writing and keep a copy of

it. If youre not happy with the way yourcomplaint is being resolved, go straightto the next stage. See page 16 for moredetails

contact the support group for yourchilds condition, if there is one, andan organisation that supports children

I wrote my concerns in

his communication book

and the teachers looked

for any incidents.


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affected by bullying. Call Contact aFamilys Helpline on Tel: 0808 8083555 for details of support groups

get advice about disability discriminationand the disability equality duty. Seepage 19 for more information

if your child is off school for longperiods because of their condition makesure their class knows why. There maybe ways your child and their class cankeep in contact, perhaps through letters,emails or texts

explain your childs condition to theschool, offer them information and

suggest people from local supportgroups who could talk to staff about it

make sure you get support for yourselfand ask for help if you need it.

Dont try to deal with it all yourself.Make sure you ask for help and get help.

Write everything down. If theres anaccident or incident at school ask for an

incident report. That way you can see ifthere are any patterns.

The schools responseMany of the parents we spoke to hadpositive responses from the schools andfound that the bullying was dealt with and

support was put in place. Here are someof their experiences:

I emailed the head and asked for ameeting. My child came to the meetingwith me. The school addressed the issues

immediately we were very lucky andhad a good outcome. We have a verysupportive head who said he wouldaddress it. There was none of this thatdoesnt happen here.

Incidents will happen, but the newschool intervenes. Theres someone thereat break. There was an incident whenone child was throwing dirt on my sons

head and at other children. They satthe whole class down and said it wasunacceptable. They have a circle timeand work with children. He attends afriendship group one afternoon a week.Hes doing speech and language therapyon asking and answering questions. Its a

million times better.

I rang the school as soon as I found out.

We met with the teacher before schoolstarted the next day. No one knew I wasgoing in. The schools response was verygood. They moved heaven and earth tohelp us, which was half the battle. Helistened and said he would do somethingabout it. I felt apprehensive about leaving

her there. But they [the children exhibitingbullying behaviour] left her alone.

Social and Emotional Aspects ofLearning (SEAL)Social and Emotional Aspects of Learning(SEAL) is a voluntary programme forschools, designed to develop the social,emotional and behavioural skills of allpupils. It can be used in secondary and

primary schools. Its aims are developingskills in self-awareness, managingfeelings, empathy, motivation and socialskills. More information about SEAL,including downloadable resources, isavailable on the SEAL website,Web: http://www.bandapilot.org.uk

What you can ask the school to doParents also suggested you could askthe school to:

have a named person your child cantell about the bullying. This couldbe their teacher, support worker orSENCO. Make sure your child knowswhere they are in the school andhow they can nd them

have a safe place your child can goto during break or lunchtimes. Thismay be a quiet area, a designated

classroom or the library. Make surethe lunchtime supervisors are awareof this

create a sign or signal your child canuse at school if they need to leavethe room

be responsible for the behaviourof pupils beyond the school gate,especially on school transport

provide training for school and localauthority staff in special educationalneeds and disabilities

be aware of unstructured times, likelunch time, breaks, moving aroundthe school. These times arentalways covered in statements or co-ordinated support plans yet support

is often needed during them dont remove the child who is beingbullied from the situation; removethe child who is exhibiting bullyingbehaviour

encourage communication betweenteaching staff and lunchtimesupervisors so theyre aware of

what could be happening in theplayground and classrooms

provide a safe area of the playgroundwhich has more supervision

allow children the opportunity to stayindoors at lunch and break times,for example by setting up lunchtimeclubs

provide support at times oftransition, like moving from primaryto secondary school and movingfrom a special school or unit to amainstream school

use the Social Emotional Aspects ofLearning programme (see page 15)

use the Circle of Friends programme(see page 16)

review the anti-bullying policyregularly and involve parents andpupils, including disabled childrenand parents of disabled children, inthe reviews

work on social skills like practisingletting other people speak rst,listening to other peoples opinionswithout reacting aggressively,understanding body language

give praise and encouragement.

The most useful thing they [the

school] did over the next couple ofweeks [after the bullying was reported]was to ensure that his self-esteem was

not damaged in any way, they madesure they praised him for all the goodthings he did.


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make your complaint to the director ofEducation and Learning or ChildrensServices, depending on the name of thedepartment.

If the school hadnt addressed it, I wouldhave taken it further like contacting theparent partnership service, going to theschool governors, speaking to the localauthority.

Anti-bullying policiesAll schools should have an anti-bullyingpolicy in place. The policy should set out

the steps that will be taken by the schoolwhen incidents of bullying are reported oridentied by staff, parents and children.You may nd it useful to request a copyof the policy.

Discipline and behaviour policiesYou may also nd it useful to requestcopies of the discipline and behaviourpolices. These policies may be useful ifyour child reacts to bullying or if your childexhibits bullying behaviour because oftheir condition.

When they are developing andimplementing their discipline policies,schools are advised to take into account

pupils needs, including disabledpupils needs. This is so the sanctionsare reasonable and proportionategiven the pupils special educationalneeds, disability, age and any religiousrequirements affecting the pupil.

When he was rst diagnosed withADHD, I requested a copy of the schoolsanti-bullying policy and discipline policy. Ididnt feel I needed to refer to it but knewI had it as back up if necessary.

Safe to Learn: Anti-bullying guidanceIn England, the Department forChildren, Schools and Families (DCSF)has launched a package of anti-bullying guidance called Safe to Learn:embedding anti-bullying work in schools.This includes guidance dealing withthe bullying of children with specialeducational needs and disabilities.

The guidance is aimed at schools, butyou may nd it useful to have a look atit, especially if the school is strugglingto resolve the bullying. It containsinformation about the legal duties forschools and suggestions on ways schoolscan prevent and respond to bullying. Theguidance is available from Teachernet atWeb: http://tinyurl.com/5m3d4f

Disability equality in schoolsThe Disability Discrimination Act 2005introduced the disability equality duty.This requires schools to take a moreproactive approach to promoting disabilityequality and eliminating discrimination.This includes a requirement on schoolsto promote positive attitudes towardsdisabled people and to eliminateharassment. Schools are required toproduce a disability equality scheme toshow how they are meeting these duties.You can ask for a copy of the schoolsscheme.

The disability equality duty meansschools should think about disabledchildren in all aspects of school lifeand promote positive attitudes towardsdisabled people. This may mean, forexample, encouraging the participation ofdisabled children in the development ofanti-bullying policies, including disabledrole models in lessons and assembliesand ensuring disability awareness trainingfor staff.

Unlawful discriminationThe Disability Discrimination Act 1995made it unlawful to discriminate againstdisabled pupils and prospective pupils in

all aspects of school life. This means thatschools cant treat a disabled person lessfavourably than others for a reason whichrelates to their disability, and that schoolshave to make reasonable adjustments soa disabled person is not disadvantagedfor a reason relating to their disability.

If you think your child has beendiscriminated againstIf you think your child has beendiscriminated against for a reason relatingto their disability or think the school isfailing to make reasonable adjustmentsor is not fullling its obligations underthe disability equality duty, pleaseseek specialist advice. The Equalityand Human Rights Commission andthe Equality Commission for NorthernIreland can provide advice about disabilitydiscrimination and the possible coursesof action open to you. See Useful

Organisations on page 25 for theircontact details.

Other routes of complaintThere are other routes of complaintavailable like making a complaint tothe government department whichcovers education (like the Departmentfor Children, Schools and Families ifyou live in England) or to the relevantOmbudsman. However, you often needto have exhausted all other routes ofcomplaints before taking this action andthey can only investigate complaintsin limited circumstances. If you areconsidering using these routes, pleaseseek specialist advice.

Legal actionSome parents consider taking legal actionin an attempt to resolve the bullying. Thiscan be a long and difcult process andis not guaranteed to get the results youwant. If you are thinking about taking

All schools should have

an anti-bullying policy in

place. The policy should

set out the steps that will

be taken by the school

when incidents of bullying

are reported or identied

by staff, parents and

children.


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legal action, you should take legal adviceto determine if you have a case. TheChildrens Legal Centre may be able toadvise if you have a case and providedetails of solicitors in your area thatspecialise in education law. If you live inScotland, you may want to contact theScottish Child Law Centre.

Childrens Legal CentreNational Education Law Advice Line:0845 345 4345 (press 3 for education)Web: http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com

Scottish Child Law CentreTel: 0131 667 6333Website: http://www.sclc.org.uk

Moving schoolsSome of the parents we spoke to movedtheir child to a different school becauseof the bullying and how it was dealt with.They were keen to stress that this maynot always be appropriate for everyone.

In some cases, a child may have goneto the wrong school for them and i f they

move the situation resolves itself. In othersituations it could occur again unless thesupport is put in place.

The school has recommended that sheattends a smaller school, yet there are

none in our area.

Moving schools isnt for everyone, but ifyoure thinking about moving schools goand look at the new schools, see what

you think. It may work.

Legal issues to consider when thinkingof changing schoolsMoving schools may not be an easyoption. If the new school is full, you will

have to go before an appeal panel totry and get a place at the school. If youlive in Scotland, you may need to makea placing request. If your child has astatement of special educational needs(SEN), the name of the school on thestatement needs to be changed. Foradvice in these issues ring our helpline.

Other issues to considerWhen thinking about a move to a newschool, you may also need to consider:

how the move will affect your child andhow they feel about moving

what support is available for disabledchildren in any new school

what help will be available to meet yourchilds special educational needs how accessible is the new school will the move upset your childs routine how your child will get to the new

school how your child will t into an

established year group how much your child will miss their

friends from the old school and howeasily will they make new friends.

Some parents whose children movedschools had positive experiences.

I removed him from the school and itsthe best thing Ive ever done. The new

head said she got a pale withdrawnchild. Now hes a bouncy boy whoadores school and has so many friends.

Moving schools was the best thingwe did. He thinks the school is brilliantand loves it. The school seems to

be more knowledgeable of SEN. Thecommunication with the school is much

better. They will put a note in his bag theday anything happens.

If your child is exhibitingbullying behaviour

If a child is being bullied they may bullysomeone else because theyre mimickingbehaviour or releasing their frustrations.Sometimes a child may exhibit bullyingbehaviour because of their condition.For example they may have a high painthreshold and so play roughly, they maycopy other childrens behaviour, they maycrave sensory input in different ways orthey may have behavioural difculties.

I got a call from the head. The otherparents had complained that he hadthreatened their children. The head hadtried to explain to them that he wasautistic but the parents said that theirchildren were no longer allowed to playwith him in case he threatened themagain.

Sometimes a child may react violently toprolonged bullying.

My child dealt with bullying by swearingat them. The school responded by

punishing him not for standing up tothe bullies but for swearing.

The schools responseIf your child behaves or reacts in anyways like those mentioned above, theschool may use sanctions to respond tothe behaviour. In England, the guidanceon school discipline and pupil behaviourpolicies advises schools how they mighttake account of a childs disability whenapplying the schools behaviour policy.

This may mean the school takes differentaction or makes reasonable adjustmentswhen applying the policy. You may ndit useful to ask for copies of the schoolsbehaviour and discipline policies.

If your child has an individual educationplan, statement or a co-ordinatedsupport plan (Scotland), it may includeinformation on how to manage theirbehaviour.

We encouraged him to talk to someonewhen he was bullied. At school he could

go to a support worker or a teacher.At home if a kid in the street sayssomething, we encouraged him to come

home and let it out at home. We couldntalways stop the bullying but could workwith him on how to deal with it when it

happens.


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Tips for parentsIf your child is exhibiting bullyingbehaviour, you could:

talk to them about what hashappened, why they are displayingthis behaviour and what they coulddo instead. See the section Talkingto your child about bullying fortips on communicating with yourchild if they have communicationdifculties

reassure them that you love them

but dont like their behaviour praise and encourage them

whenever possible use social stories to explore how

they are feeling and how the otherchild may be feeling. See NationalAutistic Society website in UsefulOrganisations

if your child has difculties inunderstanding feelings, usepictures of faces showing differentexpressions (happy, sad, angry) toexplain feelings and how the otherchild may be feeling

ensure the school is aware of yourchilds condition and the effect thatit has on their behaviour.

If your child reacts violently tobullying, you could:

talk about different ways they canrespond to the bullying. See Talkingto your child about bullying forsuggestions on different ways tocommunicate with your child

draw pictures of the bullying andthe different ways your child coulddeal with it. For example you coulddraw pictures in the style of acartoon strip which show your childhitting back, walking away from thebullying or telling someone. Thentalk about the different responses,

what might not work and which isbest for your child

explore what could be reasonableresponses to different levels ofbullying, from teasing to moreserious bullying

establish a safe place where theycan go if theyre being bullied

make the school aware of thebullying and how it is affecting yourchild

encourage your child to use otherways to let go of their frustrations

build their self-condence and self-esteem

create a sign or signal they can useat school if the situation becomes

too much and they need to leavethe room.

Bullying in differentplaces and online

Bullying anywhere talk to the schoolBullying doesnt just take place in schools,it can happen anywhere. If your child isbeing bullied in the community or online,it can be difcult to know who to talk to.It is always a good idea to let the schoolknow what is happening as there may beaction they can take. They may be able toprovide additional support for your childwhile the bullying is being resolved.

Bullying in the neighbourhoodSome of the parents we spoketo experienced bullying in theirneighbourhood and community.

She used to play outside with theneighbours. It wasnt long before peoplerealised that they could take advantageof her. They used to wind her up until

she hit them back, call her spaz. Thisescalated and we had eggs thrown atthe windows. One time the windowswere broken. We went to the police aboutthat. In the end we were scared to walkout of the door.

Talk to your local council or housing

associationIf you live in a council property or housingassociation property, let them know whatis happening. One parent kept a diaryof the incidents to show the housingassociation. Councils and housingassociations have actions they can takeagainst tenants who are victimising othertenants. Some families asked to berehoused and moved to a different areato escape the bullying.

Weve moved away from the area nowand its much bet ter. When we movedI made sure that everyone knew of herdisability and if they had a problem with

her to come to me. Someone called herstupid recently and she went mad but Isorted it straight away.

On the way to schoolIf the bullying takes place on the journeyto and from school, the school may takeaction. If your child is being bullied onthe way to or from school you shouldspeak to the headteacher about whatis happening. The schools anti-bullyingpolicy may cover bullying outside ofschool.

At leisure facilities and clubsSome children may be bullied at a clubor leisure activity they attend. It is not a

legal requirement for clubs or services tohave an anti-bullying policy. But it is goodpractice for them to have one. You canask the club or service if they have ananti-bullying policy.

You may also want to talk to the person


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who organises the club to make themaware of the bullying and see whataction they can take. You could alsoapproach the park or play rangers aboutany incidents. Your local authority shouldhave their contact details. The communitypolice may also be able to offer somesupport.

Bullying online and mobile phonesIf your child is being bullied via theinternet or mobile phones, see ParentlinePluss guide Bullying via internet and

mobile phones for advice on how to dealwith it.

You may also want to get a copy of theDepartment for Children, Schools andFamilies Safe to learn guidance on cyberbullying, available fromWeb: http://tinyurl.com/2euuou

Contacting the policeYou can contact the police about bullying.If the bully is over 10 years old, they areover the age of criminal responsibility

in England and Wales so there may beaction the police can take. Some of theparents we spoke to had involved thepolice.

Ive been to the police. The bullies werespoken to by the police and warned butit made no difference.

I went to the police to ask if it would beconsidered a disability hate crime, andthe constable took us very seriously.

Useful organisationsThere are a number of voluntaryorganisations that can provide support tochildren who are being bullied and theirfamilies. If there is a national supportgroup for your childs condition, you maywant to contact them. They may haveproduced resources around bullying, likeMencaps Dont Stick It, Stop It! campaignfor children and young people withlearning disabilities.

They may offer support and traininglike the National Autistic Societys help!2 programme which includes an anti-bullying seminar for parents. Someorganisations that support children who

are being bullied, l ike Kidscape, providesessions for children and young people todevelop coping strategies to deal with thebullying.

Anti-Bullying NetworkWeb: http://antibullying.netWeb-based Scottish organisationproviding anti-bullying support to schoolcommunities, with a parents section andyoung peoples section on how to cope.

Beat Bullying

Web: http://www.beatbullying.orgWeb-based information and practicaladvice on dealing with bullying forchildren, young people and adults.

Bullies OutWeb: http://www.bulliesout.comWeb-based information and practicaladvice on dealing with bullying forchildren, young people and adults inWales.

Bullying UKWeb: http://www.bullying.co.uk/Web-based help and practical adviceon dealing with bullying for children andyoung people, parents and professionals.

Changing FacesTel: 0845 4500 275Web: http://www.changingfaces.org.ukSupports and represents people whohave disgurements to the face, hand orbody from any cause.

One parents story

My son, Jacob, was being picked onby another boy. Jacob has a learningdisability. He was being picked on bya boy who also has special needs buthe is higher functioning than Jacob. Hewas upset saying he never wanted togo to school again and was nding itdifcult to go to sleep at night and wasvery difcult to get out of the home inthe morning.

However, the teaching staff wereabsolutely brilliant about it, I wrote myconcerns in his communication book

and the teachers looked out for anyincidents and noticed this boy trippinghim up. They immediately removedthis boy and made him play in theinfants playground as a punishment;they also withdrew his golden time.They spoke to this boy about hisbehaviour and how he should behave.

They also spoke to Jacob about theincident and re-assured him to go

to them for help in the future oversubsequent issues and, to me, themost useful thing they did overthe next couple of weeks was toensure that his self-esteem was notdamaged in any way, they made surethey praised him for all the goodthings he did and the communicationbetween home and school wasbrilliant over this time so that wecould also praise him and up his self-esteem and condence.

Jacob is now very happy and settledat school again and I commend theactions taken by his school.

We need to ensure that bullyingissues are not just about anti-bullying,disability awareness, etc; we needto ensure that children and youngpeople with additional needs arehelped to be resilient individuals, skillswhich will prepare them for adulthoodas well as keeping them as condentand secure as possible within theirchildhood.

I went to the police to ask

if it would be considered a

disability hate crime, and

the constable took us very

seriously.


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ChildlineTel: 0800 1111 (24 hours)Web: http://www.childline.org.ukHelpline for children offering emotionalsupport and counselling on anythingincluding bullying.

Education Support for Northern IrelandWeb: http://www.education-support.org.ukWeb-based information for parents,students and teachers about bullying andother issues.

Equality and Human Rights

Commission Disability HelplineEngland - Tel: 0845 604 6610Scotland - Tel: 0845 604 5510Wales - Tel: 0845 604 8810Web: http://www.equalityhumanrights.comProvides information and guidance ondiscrimination and human rights issues,including disability discrimination.

Equality Commission for NorthernIrelandTel: 028 90 890 890Web: http://www.equalityni.orgProvides information and guidance ondiscrimination and human rights issues,including disability discrimination.

KidscapeHelpline: 08451 205 204Web: http://www.kidscape.org.ukProvides a helpline for parents of childrenwho are being bullied and condencebuilding sessions for children who arebullied.

Mencap Dont Stick It, Stop It!CampaignHelpline: 0808 808 1111Web: http://www.dontstickit.org.uk

Web: http://www.mencap.org.ukFor people with learning disabilities andtheir families. Dont Stick It, Stop It! is acampaign against bullying.

National Autistic SocietyHelpline: 0845 070 4004Web: http://www.nas.org.ukSupport for people with autism and theirfamilies.Also has information about help!2programme for parents of children whoare being bulliedWeb: http://tinyurl.com/3gtfbr

and Circle of FriendsWeb: http://tinyurl.com/3klfjn

Parentline PlusParentline: 0808 800 2222 (24 hours)Run a website for parents who areconcerned about bullyingWeb: http://www.besomeonetotell.org.ukAnd Got a teenagerWeb: http://www.gotateenager.org.ukSupport on any parenting issueWeb: http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk

Respect MeHelpline: 0844 800 8600Web: http://www.respectme.org.ukScotlands anti-bullying service.

TeachernetWeb: http://tinyurl.com/274wjyWeb based resource for educationprofession from the Department forChildren, Schools and Families. Includeslinks to the Safe to Learn guidance andother legislation.

Freephone helpline: 0808 808 555Web:www.cafamily.org.ukFreephone helpline: 0808 808 555Web:www.cafamily.org.uk

Contact a Family is now on Facebook,MySpace, Bebo and has an ofce inSecond Life.

Join us at:

MySpacewww.myspace.com/contactafamily

Bebowww.bebo.com/contactafamily

Facebookwww.facebook.comand search for Contact a Family

Second LifeYou can nd our Contact a Familyvirtual advice ofce in Second Life onAloft Island 19.40.22 (PG) or visithttp://tiny.cc/P9A5l to teleport theredirectly

This guide was produced inpartnership between Contact a Familyand Parentline Plus.

Contact a Family and Parentline Plusthank Mencap and the NationalAutistic Society for their commentsand feedback on this guide. Alsothanks to all the families who

contributed their stories.

Written by Penny Roper


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contact a family - a guide to dealing with bullying: for parents of disabled children

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