Consultant Jokes

A consultant is someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time, and then keeps your watch.

A consultant's credo: Learn to be sincere even if you have to fake it.

A consultant is someone who comes in to solve a problem and stays around long enough to become part of it.

One consultant, told he was a pain in the neck, said he was glad to have been moved up.

A client with one consultant knows what to do. A client with two consultants is never sure.

Please don't tell my mother I'm a consultant. She thinks I play guitar in a strip joint.

If you see a consultant on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.

Why are consultants like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

A man walked into a consultant's office and inquired about the rates for a study

"Well, we usually structure the project up front, and charge $50.00 for three questions", replied the consultant. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the consultant replied, "and what was your third question?"

Did you hear about the Partner...

that was so egotistical that even the other Partners noticed?

What is the difference between a consultant and a trolleybus/cablecar?

The bus/cablecar stops when it looses track!

A man walks into a pet store looking to buy a monkey.

The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats. "The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner. "Why so much?" asks the customer. "Because it can sing" answers the store owner. The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500, because it can talk and translate 18 languages." The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answers the store owner. "3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a consultant."

A guy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him...

...and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The guy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and you can do anything you want with me." Again the guy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What the fuck is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and let you shag me senseless or anything. Why won't you kiss me?" The guy said, "Look I'm a business consultant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

A guy is driving around in his Porsche in the countryside.

Stops outside a field full of sheep, walks up to the shepherd and says "I've got an offer. I'll guess how many sheep you've got in this field, and if I guess right, I get to take a sheep with me, and if I guess wrong, you get my car." Shepherd thinks he's on to a sure thing and agrees. "137" says the driver. "Damn me, you're right.", says the shepherd and dutifully hands over a sheep. Man walks away, stuffs sheep in car, and is about to drive away when the shepherd knocks on his window. "I've got a proposal for you. If I can guess what you do for a living, I get to take your car. If I'm wrong, you can have all my sheep." "Done", says the driver, counting up the number of nights he could be kept happy with 137 sheep. "You're a consultant.", says the shepherd. "Bloody hell, how did you guess?" "Easy. You come in here uninvited, you tell me what I already know, and then you charge me for it. Now give me back my sheep- dog."

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam.

The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live." "Oh doctor, what should I do?", the patient asked. The doctor replied, "Marry a management consultant." "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

How many management consultants does it take to change a light bulb?

Multiple answers:1. How many did it take last year?2. It depends -- how much money is in your budget...?

3. None. A consultant would recommend replacing the light fixture.

4. None. Consultants don't know how to do anything; they can just tell you how you should do it.

5. One partner. He holds on to the bulb and the whole world revolves around him. (contributed by Andrew Clark)

6. That's difficult to say. First, we need to do a study to see if you really need light in that area, determine historically why the light burned out, and an analysis to determine whether it's the right kind of light anyway. Then, maybe, we can recommend appropriate action -- although we may need to do additional studies to determine the light sensitivity of employees visiting the area. After that, we can: develop RFPs and RFQs, evaluate the abilities of various maintenance workers to perform the task, recommend personnel selection, and supervise the activity.

7. Have you thought about rewiring your whole house recently?

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear a management consultant joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm a management consultant. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's a management consultant. And the guy sitting next to him is 6'5" tall, 250 pounds, and he's a management consultant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?" The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

Top 10 ways to know you are dating a consultant

10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period" 9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late

8. Takes a half-day at the office because "Sunday is YOUR day"

7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation

6. Tries to call room service from the bedroom

5. Ends any argument by saying "let's talk about this offline"

4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review

3. Can't be trusted with the car (too accustomed to beating up rentals)

2. Valentine's Day card has bullet points

1. Refers to those "intimate moments" as "win-win situations"

Top 10 reasons why prostitution is better than consulting

10. You get to choose your clients 9. Hotel and other expenses are directly billed

8. You actually receive that high hourly rate clients are paying for you

7. No dress code

6. Close client interaction at all times

5. You are working nights anyway

4. Finally a way to fit exercise into a tight schedule

3. Continual feedback - every two hours or so

2. Not tied down working with a team (unless you want to be)

1. Either way you are screwing clients

Top 10 Things a Consultant Shouldn't Tell a Client

10. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought about it. 9. You should see the hotel I'm staying at.

8. Hey, I just realized that I was in junior high when you started working here.

7. I like this office space. I'll have them put me in here when you're gone.

6. My rental car looks nicer than that junker you're driving.

5. Sure it'll work; I learned it in business school.

4. So what do you need me to tell you?

3. Of course it's right; the spreadsheet says so.

2. I could just tell you the answer, but we're committed to a three month project.

1. What are you, stupid?

Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear from a Consultant

10. You're right; we're billing way too much for this 9. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".

8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?

7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.

6. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.

5. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.

4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports

3. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.

2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.

1. Everything looks okay to me.

Top 10 Things You Shouldn't Say at a Consulting Interview

10. I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of person 9. Do you pay overtime?

8. I hate flying.

7. I'm useless without ten hours of sleep a night.

6. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.

5. Do you cover rental cars for collision?

4. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.

3. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember whole phrases.

2. Two words: family first.

1. Call it what you want, it still means firing people.

Top 10 Ways to Know You've Got the Consulting Bug

10. Can't stop using words that don't exist. 9. Worried that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer miles wins.

8. Use so much jargon in conversation, friends think you're speaking a foreign language.

7. Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing about.

6. Always-hyphenating-words-that-don't-need-to-be-hyphenated.

5. Keep seeing bullet points everywhere.

4. Can fit the thematic undercurrents of War and Peace into a two-by- two matrix.

3. Tired of having a social life beyond work.

2. A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make you an expert.

1. Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than any real work experience.

You've been a consultant for too long when...

1) you refer to the yield of the tomato plants in your home garden as "deliverables"; 2) you can tell the copier repair person at the client site exactly what's wrong with the

machine and what parts need to be replaced;

3) the new client staff come to you for information on how to start the coffee machine;

4) you've succeeded in memorizing the morning and afternoon schedules of two major airlines' flights to your client's site;

5) you can execute five complex tasks simultaneously, but you can't remember what you had for breakfast that morning;

6) you have enough "vendor" ID badges for a royal flush and two pair;

7) you know all the late night security guards at the client site on a first name basis (replace "security guards" with "cleanup staff" or "swing-shift mainframe operators" as you choose);

8) you use so many acronyms you no longer know which are your company's, the client's or the software vendor's;

9) you feel naked without a laptop hanging from your left shoulder;

10) the project partner tries to hire you;

11) you forego the opportunity to fly home for vacation, because you really like it in Sierra Leone (Afghanistan, Haiti, Papua, Somaliland, ...);

12) you say "Whoopee! Half day!" when you leave at 10:00PM;

13) your kids point at the phone and say "...that's the one that's broken" when you get home, thinking you must be from the repair service, 'cause you sure don't look familiar;

14) you start thinking that life in the US Navy Submarine Corps would give you more time at home;

15) you start referring to your PC by a cute name;

16) you are upset when you come home on Friday night and the lights aren't on, the bed isn't turned down, and there are no chocolates on your pillow;

17) you fantasize about zero-billing;

18) "vacationing" is spending an entire weekend in your own home;

19) you can call room service and order multiple entrees without looking at the menu;

20) writers for the OAG call you to verify flight numbers and times;

21) you have seen more movies at 35,000 feet than you have at your local movie theater;

22) you have had more phone numbers than Imelda Marcos has pairs of shoes;

23) the media phrases "telecommuting" and "virtual office" have very real (and frightening) meaning for you;

24) you forget how to turn on the windshield wipers in your own car;

25) new staff point at you and say, "... that's him, that's the old guy ... ";

26) your resume' looks like a phone book;

27) the client says your rates are too high, and you blush;

28) you introduce yourself to your next door neighbors ... again;

29) your spouse flies home (to your hotel) for the weekend;

30) you use the word "paradigm" in a sentence;

31) you use the word "granularity" in a sentence;

32) you use the word "robust" in a sentence;

33) someone mentions a 7:00 meeting and you say, "AM or PM?";

34) you cry when your PC won't start;

35) you carry on a 5 minute conversation about data warehousing, then you ask what it means;

36) when other people speak of vacations in warm sunny places, you get a lost look on your face, cock your head to one side like a dog hearing a whistle, and say, "...my last vacation was, um, it was, ah, um, er ....";

37) you have a day off, and you call work because you miss it;

38) you write a workplan for your weekends;

39) someone asks you what you do for a living, and you can't answer the question;

40) before starting the car, you insist on telling everyone where the emergency exits are;

41) before stopping the car, you insist that everyone stay seated until the fasten seatbelts sign is off;

42) you call the computer support hotline with a support question just for the entertainment of hearing their answer;

43) a good dinner consists of vending machine snacks;

44) a good lunch consists of vending machine snacks;

45) you insist that your friends submit time sheets at the end of the month so you can see what you missed;

46) you can tell the hotel staff what their room-rate policy is;

47) you believe that e-mail is as good as a conversation can get;

48) instant coffee tastes good;

49) you can remember 15 client and hotel phone numbers, but you get stumped when asked for your home number;

50) you file more income tax returns than Microsoft has trademarks;

51) you've been staying in the same hotel, you instinctively call it "home";

52) the hotel staff recognizes you and gives you the same room every time (this is not always good);

53) the room service staff feels free to nag and fight with you because they know you'll be back next month anyway;

54) you know all the favorite radio stations of all the valet parking guys;

55) you get more calls from the hotel staff to see if you're OK than you do from your friends;

56) then you realize the hotel staff are your friends;

57) You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.

58) You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization."

59) You refer to dating as test marketing.

60) You can spell "paradigm."

61) You actually know what a paradigm is.

62) You understand your airline's fare structure.

63) You write executive summaries on your love letters.

64) You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with six other people you don't know.

65) You believe every company is "a traditional functional organization,with promotion based on tenure, but one that needs to change as it is facing ever increasing competition..."

66) You believe that a company's problems are never caused by an"ineffective handling of an administrative situation."

67) You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."

68) You know every single piece of clip art in PowerPoint.

69) You calculate your own personal cost of capital.

70) You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."

71) You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering,""down- sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people's asses."

72) You actually believe your explanation in number 15.

73) You start doing your kid's math equations in reverse Polish notation.

74) You enjoy using an HP-12C.

75) You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."

76) Your three meals a day are a morning consumption function, a noontime consumption function, and an evening consumption function.

77) You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO."

78) Your favorite stories begin "Bob Jones, our Team Leader in Russia, sat at is desk and stared out his window..."

79) You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.

80) You believe PCM is just as important as the Theory of Relativity.

81) You believe PCM.

82) You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.

83) You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.

84) You refer to divorce as "divestiture."

85) Your favorite artist is the one who does the dot drawings for the Wall Street Journal.

86) None of your favorite publications have cartoons.

87) You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.

88) You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.

89) At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.

90) You always call your mechanic before you start your car to see if it will blow up given the day's weather conditions...

91) ...and expect him to use a decision tree to work it out.

92) You've decided the only way to afford a house is to call your fellow alumni and offer to name a room after them, if they'll help with the down payment.

93) Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills

94) You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.

95) You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection.

96) You ask your bank manager if she has heard of "Modigliani-Miller", and then you ask her if she has a pizza so you can show her.

97) You give constructive feedback to your dog.

98) you can list ninety-eight (and counting) reasons why you have been a consultant for too long.

A surgeon, an engineer and a consultant are discussing what the oldest profession in the world could be.

The surgeon says : "As God created Eve from Adam's rib, I consider this as a medical act, so, the oldest profession is the one of surgery".

Of course, the engineer doesn't agree and replies: "No, no, in the Bible, it is stated that God created Earth and Heaven out of the Chaos. Clearly, this is purely engineering, so mine is the oldest profession".

At which point the consultant says: "And who, you think, created that Chaos?".

Here are some funny jokes about my profession.It is all true :-)

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Don't try these techniques at home.""Why not?" asked somebody from the audience."I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?""Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked."Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."

The chickens in a large hen house started to quarrel, wounded each other and many of them died every day. The upset farmer hurried to a consultant, and asked for a solution to his problem."Add baking-powder to the chickens' food," said the consultant, "it will calm them down."After a week the farmer came back to the consultant and said: "My chickens continue to die. What shall I do?""Add strawberry juice to their drinking water, that will help for sure".A week passed, and again the farmer came to the consultant: "My chickens are still quarrelling. Do you have some more advice?"

"I can give you more and more advice," answered the consultant. "The real question is whether you have more chickens."

The classified ad said, "Wanted: CEO needs a one armed consultant, with a social sciences degree and five years of experience."The man who won the job asked, "I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why 'one armed'?"The CEO answered, "I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each advice the phrase 'on the other hand'."

A priest, a rabbi and a consultant were traveling on an airplane. There was a crisis and it was clear that the plane was going to crash and they would all be killed. The priest began to pray and finger his rosary beads, the rabbi began to read the Torah and the consultant began to organize a committee on air traffic safety.

A man had a siamese cat that howled all night, every night. The sleepless man concluded that the cat has too much testosterone and took him to the vet to be castrated. To the great surprise of the man and all his neighbors, the cat continued howling."Why are you doing it now?" they asked the cat."Now I am a consultant."

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from your Consultant1. You're right; we're billing way too much for this.2. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".3. How about paying us based on the success of the project?4. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.5. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.6. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.7. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.8. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.9. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.10. Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.

Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of turning problems into gold, your problems into their gold.

There was a glass of water on the table...One man says, "It's half full". He is an optimist.Second man says, "It's half empty". He is a pessimist.Third man says, "It's twice too big". He is a management consultant.

A consultant is ...· someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.· a man who knows 99 ways to make love, but doesn't know any women.· someone who is called in at the last moment and paid enormous amounts of money to assign the blame.

Consulting RevisitedGood advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less, until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of turning problems into gold, your problems into their gold.

You Might Be a Consultant if...· you ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.· you decide to reorganize your family into a "team-based organization."· you think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with six other people you don't know.· you believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."· you explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."· you can explain the difference between "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people's arses," and you actually believe your explanation.· you can spell "paradigm" and you actually know what a paradigm is.

How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.Three. One to change the bulb and two to write the standards and tell him what he did wrong.Five. One to change the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.