Conflict Transformation

understanding the difference between healthy & unhealthy conflict

CONFLICT TRANSFORMATION: A SUMMARY

Real freedomis the ability to pause

between a stimulus – and – a response

and in that pause, choose.

Rolo May

STEPS IN CONFLICT TRANSFORMATION

Step 1 – Reflection and Centering

Step 2 – Setting the Tone

Step 3 – Sharing Perspectives

Step 4 – Building Understanding

Step 5 – Closure and Agreements

STEP 1 – REFLECTION AND CENTERING

• Both parties come together for dialogue – Focus is on understanding/building trust, not argument/persuasion.– Christ’s love for us (not our agreement) is the basis for Christian

community.

• Both parties step back & prayerfully reflect on the situation.– When do I feel “pinched” in our relationship (what specific actions

result in what specific feelings)?– Recognize that the other party may feel similarly “pinched.”

• Both parties prayerfully consider their own intentions, interests, & hopes for the dialogue.– Recognize that the other party also has good intentions.

STEP 2 – SETTING THE TONE

• Both parties come together in a neutral (perhaps sacred) space, perhaps with a neutral third party.

• Both parties agree on what the topic of the dialogue is about.

• Both parties prayerfully state their hope/intention for a positive outcome.

• Both parties acknowledge the other’s good intentions.

STEP 3 – SHARING PERSPECTIVES

• Each party describes the situation, using “I messages.”– “When you _[behavior]___, I feel _[feeling]_____.”– “The meaning I take from our disagreement is _________________.”– “What is at the heart of this for me is _______________.”

• Before responding, each party briefly paraphrases feelings & facts heard, & asks for clarification.– “What I hear you saying is _[paraphrase of what you heard]____.”– “Am I understanding that clearly, the way you meant it?”

• Both parties acknowledge responsibility for conflict & outcome.

• Each party specifically describes perspective of the situation.

STEP 4 – BUILDING UNDERSTANDING(Addressing Multiple Issues)

• Parties list the issues still to be addressed, writing them down in neutral language.

• Parties discuss one issue at a time. For each issue: – check out assumptions (intent -> [a1] -> action -> [a2] -> effect) – explore underlying interests.

STEP 5 – CLOSURE AND AGREEMENTS

• Parties mutually generate options for each issue.• Parties creatively develop solutions that both can agree to.• Parties summarize and clarify agreements.• Parties determine the agreement details.

CONFLICT TRANSFORMATION TIPS

• Accept that conflicts are a natural part of life.• Treat conflict as an opportunity for transformation.• Respect each other at beloved children of God.• Understand that your assumptions about others’ intentions

may be incorrect. • Be aware of your initial reaction, own your feelings, share.• Actively listen: hear, reflect, seek to understand.• Discover common interests. Positions tend to clouded them.• Be creative, chose your approach. In Christ all possibilities are

open & you always have a choice.