Conflict Management

Arguing -- Is usually a battlefield

for a bigger issue.

Fear

-- losing their spouse.

-- losing their home.

-- losing self respect.

Objectives / Standards:

• The student will be able to:• Identify methods of conflict resolution

as related to marriage.• Identify common sources of marital

conflict.• Apply conflict resolution and problem-

solving strategies to resolve common scenarios of marital conflicts.

Do you ever use…• Extreme or irrational tactic to gain your point

(slamming doors, stomping around)?• Hurt remarks to have the last word (sarcasm, name

calling)?• The Silent treatment• Withdraw to a safe distance because you do not like

to argue?• Store up grudges and use later (revenge)?• My way or no way attitude?• Get angry, criticize, or some other aggressive

behavior?• Give in; “I guess you are right”, submissive behavior

to avoid conflict.• Deny or pretend that “everything is okay

If you answered “Yes” to any of the above you are not “fighting fair” and you are creating an interaction pattern of “I win, you lose”.

Failing to resolve a conflict situation causes:

• Married couples to withdraw and create emotional distance between them.

• Pile up of differences• Irritations and resentments.

Play Garth Brooks Song

“We bury the hatchet, but not the handle”.

Myths or Misconceptions About Conflict:

1. Harmony is normal and conflict is abnormal.

2. Conflict is the result of personality differences.

3. Conflict and disagreements are the same.

Get into pairs and make a list of things that may cause conflicts (arguments).

Next look at your interviews were there any other causes

of conflict?

Do Not Trifle Over TriviaThe following items are typical behaviors that create stress

between people. • Which way the toilet paper rolls.• Turning down page corners instead of using a bookmark.• Eating or not eating in bed.• Leaving damp washcloths scrunched in a lump, or

wringing them out and spreading them to dry.• Putting the VCR tapes away or leaving them on top of the

VCR.• Whether or not you read the instructions before you use

something or put something together.• Whether the toothpaste should be used from the bottom up

or from the top down.• Whether or not you tear off the pillow tags that says DO

NOT REMOVE!

Why Do Conflict Occur?

• Lack of Communication• Value conflicts• Lack of effective leadership or

decision-making• Discrepancies in role performances• Low productivity• Unresolved prior conflicts

Unresolved Conflict is a Vicious Circle

Relationship degenerates into a power struggle.

Playing games (If it weren’t for you…, Look how hard I’ve tried…,

Develops “ritual impasse”, stuck at the same point (refusing to talk after working so hard.

Destroys the problem-solving process

In the end, the marriage fails because neither partner’s needs are met.

Ice Cube Activity

• Remove the ice cube from the water using the string without lifting the glass.

• Volunteer• Coil string on ice cube, put a little salt on, wait and then

lift gently.• How does the ice cube relate to how we feel sometimes?• What does the string represent?• If at first this seemed unsolvable, how did you

feel when you figured out how to retrieve the ice cube?

Assertive Conflict

ResolutionWin-Win Solutions

Aggressive Behavior

• When I take my own rights into account and not the other person’s.

• Everyone should be like me• I’m never wrong• Closed minded• Interrupts• Domineering/Bullying• Handle conflict by harming others.

Passive Behavior

• When I take the other person’s rights into account and not my own.

• Don’t express your true feelings• Always agrees• Apologetic• Avoids ignores leaves• Powerlessness• Handle Conflict by doing nothing

Assertive Behavior

• Believing we have a right to have ideas and feelings. Standing up for our rights and still respecting the rights of others.

• Effective active listener• States limits, expectations• Decisive• Operates from choice• Eye Contact• Handle conflict by using problem solving.

Definitions

• Conflict: When two people Disagree on an issue.

• Conflict Resolution: A communication skill that encourages a better understanding of the other person’s point of view, helping to resolve conflicts in a positive way.

• Win-Win Conflict Resolution: A belief that everyone can win by co-operation and avoiding competition and comparing

What Doesn’t Work?

• Yelling, • refusing to change or

compromise, • refusing to work out the

conflict,• Name calling, • hitting, • walking out, • belittling, etc. • Most Passive and Aggressive

Behaviors.

What Does Work?

• Assertive Techniques,

• Win-Win Attitude,

Co-operation

• Negotiation

o Play Broken Square Game

When is Conflict Positive?

When we are able to resolve internal and interpersonal conflicts, Using win-win problem solving.

Every relationship will have some conflicts at some time or other.When we use win-win problem solving, it strengthen the relationship.When we don’t, it destroys it.

Who Owns the Problem?

What is the Owner’s responsibility?

The person who is negatively affected by the Problem.

To find a way to resolve the problem, even if he is not the Cause of it.

Search for Win-Win Solution

How do you feel when someone uses powerTo force you to do something? Three Responses• Fight• Flight / Avoidance• Obedience/ Shutting Down

Identify Each Others Needs and Goals

Types of Conflict Resolution

• Win-Lose: using power and force or coercion.

• Win-Win: Compromise• Lose-Lose: Hopelessness• Lose-Win: Placating or submitting• Win-Win: The All You Can Eat Buffet

(synergistic, tolerance, recognition, negotiation, enthusiastically cooperation).

Win-Win Game

Hug O’War by Shel Silverstein

I will not play at tug o' warI'd rather play at hug o' war,

Where everyone hugsInstead of tugs

Where everyone gigglesAnd rolls on the rug,

Where everyone kissesAnd everyone grins

And everyone cuddlesAnd everyone wins.

Preparation

Give a description of the problem that respects all involved.

Explain how conflict resolution can enable all to win, and explain the steps.

Include only those concerned. Agree not to slip back to the win lose methods Find a good time and place with no distractions. Get something to write down ideas.

Identify the problem or issues

Use I Messages to explain your own concerns, needs and basic goals

Use reflective listening to hear and acknowledge the other’s needs and basic goals

Evaluate exactly what each of your actual needs are with the problem. List needs.

Don’t accept sudden promises not to cause the problem 

The Gottman Island Survival Game• Need Rank Partner Final• 1. Two changes of clothing• 2. AM-FM and short-wave radio

receiver• 3. Ten gallons of water• 4. Pots and pans• 5. Matches• 6. Shovel• 7. Backpack• 8. Toilet paper• 9. Two tents• 10. Two sleeping bags• 11. Knife

12. Small life raft with sail13. Sun block lotion14. Cook stove and lantern15. Long rope16. Two walkie-talkie send-receiver units17. Freeze-dried food for seven days18. One change of clothing19. One fifth of whiskey20. Flares21. Compass22. Regional aerial maps23. Gun with six bullets24. First-aid kit with penicillin25. Oxygen tanks

Brainstorm Possible Solutions

Car SharingYou and your spouse have one car. You need to go to a meeting tonight, and your spouse wants visit a good friend. How many Solutions can you come up with?

Brainstorm All Possible Solutions that meets both people’s needs

Cake Cutting ExerciseCake Cutting ExerciseYou are in charge of a Birthday party

for four Children. You have oneCake and need to cut it in 4 equal

parts. Brainstorm with your partner

How many different ways you could cut it.

Perspective –What is yours?All people are different. We have different likes, dislikes,

beliefs, and values. These differences make up our individual perspective.

Look at things from another’s perspective and try to see their pointOr view and look for a solution that meets both underlying needs.

Eskimo or Indian?

Moving or Still?

What isThis?

Young or OldWoman?

Young or OldWoman?

What do you see?

• Activity: Here's what I Saw

• pg 117, Still More Activities That Teach, Tom Jackson, IBSN#09664633-5-8

Same groups make a list of Rules of Fighting Fair.

• Have groups write their answers on the board.

• Class combined all groups to make one great list of rules of fighting fair.

Solving Conflicts: Fair Fighting Rules

1. No hitting2. No personality attack (name calling destroys ego,

you can never take back what you say in anger.)3. Attack the problem, be specific, do not bring in

other issues until this one is finished.4. Fight in private. Do not involve others.5. Fighting in front of children once in awhile is

okay if it is constructive and if you do not make them take sides. It gives them a pattern of constructive problem solving to follow in their own conflicts. They need to see you make-up also.

6. Fight it out at the time, if you can. Do not let if build and fester. However, if a time out is needed, use it constructively and agree on a time to resolve the problem at hand.

7. No refusing to quarrel or withdrawing before it is finished.

8. Talk one at a time and listen when the other is talking. You are responsible for understanding the other person’s point.

9. No mind reading. You cannot assume what the other person is thinking or expect them to know what you are thinking.

10.Come to conclusion, then let it end; compromise, if you can. Give in occasionally, agree to disagree.

Resolving Anger by Maces

An acronym (AREA) to help couples remember a better way of solving anger.

A -- is for admitting your anger to your spouse.

R -- is the desire to restrain your anger and not let it get out of hand by blaming or belittling.

E -- stands for explaining in a very calm manner why you are angry.

A -- stands for action planning or doing something about the cause of the anger.

Negotiation and Resolving Conflicts Start with Couples Stopping and

Cooling off before they begin.

Model for Resolving Conflict in Marriage

• Recognize conflict issues.• Listen carefully to the other person.• Select the most appropriate time.• Specifically define the problem or conflict

issue.• Identify your own contributions to the

problem.• Identify alternate solutions• Decide on a mutually acceptable solution.• Implement new behavior.

The Art of Negotiation

1. Affirming loyalty to the marriage.

2. Assessment and clarification of needs.

3. Achieving conciliation.

4. Declaring what each will do and when.

• Activity: Shoe Size

• pg. 197, Still More Activities That Teach, Tom Jackson, IBSN#09664633-5-8

Problem Solving

1. State the problem2. Look for areas of agreement3. Explore alternatives4. Try a solution5. Evaluate results

Joint problem-solving, does not mean one person wins and the other loses. Work toward finding a win-win solution, where both feel satisfied.

Always strive to build on the positive aspects of your relationship.

Activity: Working Through a Conflict Situation

Get in pairs and discuss possible resolutions for the conflicts they listed earlier.

• Assignment: Apply conflict resolution and problem-solving strategies to the marital problems on the worksheet (Case Studies).

Summary The potential for conflict exists whenever and wherever people have contact.

Remember the words of Robert Townsend: "A good manager does not try to eliminate conflict, he tries to keep it from wasting the energies of his people." All conflict cannot be resolved. Sometimes individuals do not think it is in their best interest--the price is too high. Resolution means negotiation toward a creative solution--if one party is unwilling to do that, the conflict will continue.

• Marriage – A many-Splendored, Sometimes Splintered, Thing

Dr. Daniel Wayne Matthews

http://www.utahmarriage.org/functions/function_frame01.cfm?link=http://• Still More Activities That Teach, Tom Jackson, IBSN#09664633-5-8• “Fighting Fair” in Marriage” and “Managing Conflict Successfully”

Herbert G. Lingren, University of Nebraska-Lincoln Cooperation Extension

http://www.utahmarriage.org• Managing conflict Successfully, Herbert G. Lingren, University of Nebraska-

Lincoln Cooperation Extension, http://www.utahmarriage.org/index.cfm?id=T157P9tfyt&print=YES

• Top Ten Myths of Marriage, David Popenoe, http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/Print/Print%20Myths%20of%20Marriage.htm

• Conflict Management and Resolution – Can We Agree?, Meredith Taylor, http://utahmarriage.org/functions/function_frame01.cfm?link=http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/pdffiles/FY/FY04700.pdf&header=You+are+visiting+an+outside+link.

• http://www.utahmarriage.org/index.cfm?id=STRENGTH76&print=YES