Complete Guide to assertivenessUnit 9

Part 3 Becoming AssertiveThinking Assertively

Ever thought this?Maybe I am not as assertive as I would like to be. Thats just the way I am. I cant change it.

Relax:Becoming assertive is a learning process. it takes longer for some of us. But its not too difficult and the rewards are great!

Attitude toward becoming assertive:

Maybe you are imagining dire consequences?

He might snub me.She might laugh at me and ridicule me.He will think that I am a loser.He / she might leave meHe might hit me.She will think less of me

Ask yourself: What am I scaring myself with? Taking responsibility for causing your own fears will change them.

Interestingly:You will find that your attitude can change the result of your conversation.

Think positive

Think:

I like this person and would like to be friends with him/ her.

Think:

Its like myself.. I am happy to be me. I am comfortable with myself.

Roll play Situations

You are in recovery and meet someone at a polo match. Introduce yourself and have a dialogue.You are in recovery and meet someone at the tennis courts. Introduce yourself and have a dialogue.You are in recovery and meet someone at a seminar. Introduce yourself and have a dialogue.You are in recovery and meet someone at a play. Introduce yourself and have a dialogue.

Right thinking about assertiveness is crucialWe have to rid ourselves of counter productive thought.Trust yourselfExperiment a little.

You owe it to yourself.

Attitude toward yourself:

Can you congratulate yourself when you succeed?Can you accept your foibles, weakness or idiosyncrasy with honesty and laugh at yourself?How well do you love yourself?

Can you look down on yourself and expect others not to do the same?

The vicious cycle:You believe you are not worthy of respect. Your body language and conversation reflect this. Others agree with your evaluation of yourself.. They confirm your opinion of you. You feel further down.

Assertiveness training

Assertiveness trainer tells you never mind how strange it feels, go ahead and try this new approach.

When you try it the feed back is positive and this in turn improves your attitude toward yourself.

Thoughts which get in the way of self assertion:Nonassertive I am a failureThe world is treating me badlyI am a helpless victim of circumstancesNobody loves meEverybody is judging meOther people are in control of my destiny

aggressive When I speak, people listen. Or else!The world owes me obedienceI dont need help from anybodyI am not going to let them get away with that!People are no damn good.

Some of these statements might be partially true. Sometimes bad event occur coincidentally and create an impression that life has it in for you. The idea can stick in your head and become a self fulfilling prophecy. The problem arises when we generalize and distort reality. I am a failure. I am entitled to it!

Aaron becks: steps that lead to nonassertive and aggressive choices:

A predisposition to think poorly about yourself

A tendency to exaggerate problems

An egocentric view of life events

A belief that life is either one way or the other: black and white.

A view of oneself as helpless or vulnerable

Helpful aids for handling thoughts:

Stress inoculationThought stoppingPositive self statements

We can inoculate ourselves:Make ourselves immune by imagining the worst has happened. We can feel the feeling and get over the fear that it will happen. We can counsel ourselves before an expected stress situation arises by writing down what a counselor would tell us include a few details about the situation that is expected and what you should do. Read this a few times before the situation arises. for example: relax, dont let yourself be thrown off. You can handle this. Take a deep breath .. you will be fine. This is only one small event in your total life. You can repeat the key parts during the situations als

We can stop negative thoughts: by calling out to them STOP!

We can make positive self statements such as:I am becoming more assertive every day.I am a kind and loving person.I have a jobI love my kidsI got through school successfullyI can be firm when the situation calls for it.

Method one: Stop thought, use positive self statement Method two: make the positive affirmations part of your inoculation message

Stop catastrophizing Stop life aught to be thoughts.. these create high emotion and stop rational thought.

What else can I do about my thoughts?

Get to know and be aware of yourself.. dreams.. goals..

Recognize and keep track of your automatic thoughts.. involuntary inner dialogue

Ask yourself questions to clarify your reactions to an event: is there good evidence? Am I Over simplifying or exaggerating? Taking things out of context?

consider possible alternative explanations: modify one fact at a time to see what happens/

Ask yourself: so what. Does it really matter?

Try to substitute positive images. What could be positive about this..

Identify the payoffs for you: are you getting rewards for feeling bad? More attention? Special help? Excused form work? Might there be even a better payoff for changing your outlook?

What if it really happens: whats the worst outcome? Can you act as if it already has happened? Is it really as bad?

Do some very specific homework:

Develop a plan for positive self statements or stress inoculation or thoughts stopping.

Remember, every human being is

good, valuable, and just as important as anyone else. including you.