comedy - watch #1
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"Watching Real Life, Just For Laughs!" (Published quarterly by Lake Legal News, and distributed in Lake County, Florida.)TRANSCRIPT
Comedy-Watch#1
March, 2015
‟Watching Real Life, Just For Laughs”
Free Copy!
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PERSONAL INJURY ATTORNEYSPut Our Knowledge And Experience To Work For You
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Comedy-Watch
All contents © 2015 by James Hope D/B/A Lake Legal News. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. Nothing may be reproduced in whole or in part without written permission from the publisher. Lake Legal News is not responsible for the contents, products, or services represented in any advertisements.
Statements and opinions expressed in this publication are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of Lake Legal News or its staff. Any advice contained within this publication is general in nature, and is not intended to be relied upon in lieu of an actu-al consultation with a licensed attorney concerning the specific facts of your own situation and the most current state of the law.
Unless pursuant to prior written arrangements with Lake Legal News, all submitted materials, whether written, photographic, or in other form will become the permanent property of Lake Legal News and shall be treated as unconditionally licensed and assigned to Lake Legal News for publication in print, via the internet, or through other medium, however logos and other legal marks as well as original copyrights remain the property of their respective owners. All submissions grant a right to Lake Legal News to edit said materials for accuracy, brevity, legality, or other concerns, and to title, caption, or make editorial comment upon such materials. Persons submitting materials agree to hold the publisher and staff of Lake Legal News harmless against claims of defamation, copyright infringement, invasion of privacy and unauthorized use of any person's name, photograph or personal information.
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Write: Lake Legal News · Post Office Box 790 · Tavares, FL 32778E-mail: [email protected] · Visit: www.LakeLegalNews.com
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legal stuff and
Who's –Who Page:
4 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
iSto
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www.LakeLegalNews.com
Lake Legal NewsComedy-Watch •
Also Read Both Our Great Publications Online! Search for us at www.issuu.com and “Like us” on Facebook
Comedy-Watch#1
Writer and Research Editors
(plural).
Apparently, however, none
of those fine folks like to
hussle ads or distribute the
final product; that's where the
Executive Vice President of
Sales, Vice President of Sales,
Director of Digital Sales,
Account Managers (I see seven
people listed) work closely
with the Executive Director
of Marketing, Integrating
Marketing Director (love that
one!), Promotions Manager,
Marketing Coordinator
(I'm starting to smell some
redundancy here) and Digital
Sales Planner.
Of course, none of those
individuals fill the roles that
the Digital and Print Produc-
tion Director, HR/Opera-
tions Manager, Consumer
Marketing Director, Senior
Accountant, Staff Accountant,
Group CFO, or Chief Inquisitor
(I'm not making any of this
stuff up) do, so these people
are also on the payroll.
So there you have it. Please
wish ‘me, myself, and I’ well as
I give Comedy-Watch a whirl.
(And if it's killing you to know
which top-heavy magazine I
was reading, just e-mail me.)
Watch, following the recent
fifth anniversary of Lake Legal
News. (All of this, not least
to say, is while I continue to
practice law.)
One thing that gave me
a real chuckle the other day
came as I was leisurely thumb-
ing through a copy of a nation-
ally distributed magazine—one
which is almost exactly the
same combined length as
Lake Legal News and Comedy-
Watch. It gave me a ‘reality
check’ to see how many hats
I've been wearing, considering
that this other magazine more
or less breaks the job I do into
the following staff positions:
Editor in Chief, Managing
Editor, Editor at Large, Fea-
tures Editor, Assistant Editor,
Copy Editors (plural), Fact
Checker (nice!), Contributors
(numerous), Creative Director,
Associate Art Director (in case
the Creative Director isn't
feeling especially ‘creative’ on
any given day?), and Produc-
tion Assistant. I also found it
interesting that the magazine's
web site had is own set of
additional worker-bees: Editor
in Chief, Managing Editor,
Deputy Editor (presumably
to ‘serve and protect’), Staff
don't do things because
they're easy, I do things
because they're hard.” (Most
likely I had law school in mind
as ‘Exhibit A’ when I made
the statement.) In any case,
it has largely proved true for
me through the years—the
most recent example of this
being the launch of Comedy-
MARCH, 2015
Let's face it: I must enjoy a
challenge. In fact, I remember
back more than 20 years ago,
when I first met my wife, that I
tried to sum up this particular
facet of my personality by
saying—though not meaning
it to sound presumptuous—“I
a few words of sophistication
From Our Publisher...
Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch 5
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8) Legal Ballyhoo 10) Vintage Insanity 11) Rodney Said... 13) The Column 16) Stand-Up 18) Comic's Bio 20) Caption Me! 21) Miscellany 22) Drawing Conclusions 30) Slightly Tee'd Off
contents (a/k/a)
What's–Where Page:
6 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
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ALTMANBAIL BONDS
Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch 7
rized anyone to use the word
“oh” outside of her dictionary;
there are bigger issues at
hand! In fact, if you are a fan
of Jay-Z, Rihanna, and Kanye
West, get snowed-in one day
from work and want to read a
15-page opinion detailing a big
legal to-do about nothing, try
reading the copyright infringe-
ment suit involving the cov-
eted word, “oh”—which the
plaintiff's counsel maintains
is so “exuberantly-shouted”
in its original recorded-work
that it deserves protection
from those who would seek
to unscrupulously ‘sample’
another artist's “oh.”
This is especially true, the
lawsuit alleges, when the word
“oh” (get this, now): “serves
as the main introductory gate-
way to the main body of the
song” and “sets the exuberant
tone for the remainder of the
work.” (I suppose that this is
similar to the crucial way in
which the word “a” performs
a 'gateway' function and 'sets
an exuberant tone' for the rest
of the dictionary. So would
anyone out there like to bid on
my copyrighted “a”?) [Source:
Memorandum Opinion filed
December 8, 2014 in the
United States District Court,
Southern District of New
York.]
QUICK, IT'S THE COPS—
RUN THE FISH THROUGH THE
SHREDDER!
In a case taken all the way
to the U.S. Supreme Court,
a harsh federal obstruction-
of-justice statute—perfectly
suited to keep crooked
corporate accountants from
shredding company books dur-
ing a raid―was used against
a fisherman who tossed
‘incriminating fish’ overboard.
The government's theory? The
phrase “any record, document
or tangible object” (emphasis
added) includes undersized
groupers. [Source: UF LAW,
Fall 2014 edition, pp. 18-20.]
troubles trace back to an
“emergency” City of Little
Rock ordinance directed at
Vietnamese Pot-Bellied pigs,
when the truth is that “the
City of Little Rock has stated
multiple times that it only
knows of the Plaintiffs' pot-
bellied pig residing in the City
of Little Rock and that
Ordinance 20,957 is directed
specifically toward the
Plaintiffs.” (In lay terms, Sooie
is being unfairly profiled and
targeted for being the only
pork-chop in town.)
If ever you find yourself
looking down the barrel of a
similar legal crisis, you might
wish to do as the attorney
for this pig's owners have
done—at what financial cost,
one cannot say—and invoke
“42 U.S.C. §§ 1983 and 1988
for violations of the First, Fifth
and Fourteenth Amendments
to the Constitution of the
United States of America,
Article Two, Sections Two,
Three, Eighteen, Twenty-
one, and Twenty-two of the
Constitution of the State of
Arkansas, Ark. Code Ann. §§
16·111·103 and 104 (2014) and
Ark. Code Ann. § 16·123·105
(2014) as well as other laws of
the United States of America
and the State of Arkansas.”
Of course, if you cannot
afford to hire a licensed
attorney you may simply
wish to have your pig consult
Wilbur—the talking pig from
Charlotte's Web. [Source:
Complaint filed December 4,
2014 in the United States Dis-
trict Court, Eastern District of
Arkansas, Western Division.]
BUT I THOUGHT THAT
MERRIAM-WEBSTER OWNED
THE WORD “OH”?!
This is simply no time to
debate whether “The Star-
Spangled Banner” begins, “O
say can you see,” or “Oh say
can you see”—or whether
Merriam-Webster (no relation
to Aunt Jemima) ever autho-
December 4, 2014 by the
State of New York Supreme
Court, Appellate Division,
Third Judicial Department.]
RE: MY “STRONG EMOTIONAL
CONNECTION” TO MY VIET-
NAMESE POT-BELLIED PIG.
Not to be outdone for one
second by Tommy-the-chim-
panzee (see previous story),
W.P. Sooie, a Vietnamese Pot-
Bellied pig with a decidedly
onomatopoetic name, is also
embroiled in litigation. (Well,
probably the pig's owners
actually hired the attorney—
but that's a side point.)
Just to be clear, Sooie “lives
indoors with the Plaintiffs and
the Plaintiffs have a strong
emotional connection to their
animal,” according to a lawsuit
filed against the City of Little
Rock, Ar.
It seems that Sooie-the-pig's
By: James Hope, J.D.
THIS CHIMP AIN'T NO CHUMP!
A group of humans (calling
themselves “The Nonhumans
Rights Project, Inc.”) filed
a court action on behalf of
Tommy-the-chimpanzee,
seeking habeas corpus relief
for Tommy. (It was alleged
that the respondents were
unlawfully detaining the
chimp, albeit neither in a U.S.
nor foreign prison.) In the
words of the appellate court:
“This appeal presents the
novel question of whether
a chimpanzee is a ‘person’
entitled to the rights and
protections afforded by the
writ of habeas corpus.” When
the court ruled against him,
Tommy reportedly called the
legal decision “bananas.” (OK,
that last part is made-up.)
[Source: Decision rendered
Legal Ballyhoo.
8 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
Get
ty Im
ages
/ Se
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& T
hink
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reig
Legal Ballyhoo.
Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch 9
Kenneth (352) F. Cohrn 267-4601DDS, D-ABFO
Board CertifiedForensic Odontologist
(352) 589-5885 • www.TheCrazyGator.org402 N. Bay Street, Eustis, Florida
Comedy-Watch ads start at just $39, Quarterly!
vintage insanity.
Rodney said...
! PS: If you happen to have
been born completely blind,
we are trying to track down
an 1829 invention that—if still
operational—will allow you to
read this story through your
elbow or big toe (in complete
safety and comfort).
Clearly if anyone today with
a hearing problem could use
their internet-connection as
a time machine back to the
1800s they would want to get
their hands on one of these
scientific gems. Then they
could be assured of hearing
“perfectly” through their
teeth—even if “born without
ears.” (Such was true in the
case of Miss Lizzy Michelf-
elder, who added her voice
to “The Testimony of One
Hundred Living Witnesses”
attesting to the power of the
“Dentaphone.”
Before plunking down any
hard-earned money, though,
the manufacturer suggests you
perform this simple home test:
“Take a piece of dry wood,
about the thickness of a
common walking-stick... rest
one end firmly on... a piano,
organ, or music-box while it is
played; then press the other
end against your upper teeth
or forehead, and stop your
ears. IF YOU CAN IN THIS WAY
HEAR THE MUSIC, YOU WILL
HEAR PERFECTLY WITH THE
DENTAPHONE.”
No worries, either, if the
teeth are entirely gone (as in
the sad case of Miss Richarme);
a “Special Mouthpiece is
adapted to the instrument,
which makes a solid con-
nection to the upper gums.”
(Wow! Who knew humans
have their choice of hearing
via their ears, teeth, forehead,
or gums!?) I'll take two.
10 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
Imag
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ia J
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W. H
artm
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Duk
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Lib
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“I got out of show businessfor a while — I quit.
To give you an idea of how I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit!” — Rodney Dangerf ield
vintage insanity.
Rodney said...
Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch 11
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TH
E COLUMN.
12 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
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ch•
THE COLUMN.
Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch 13
of New York City police. But
the very fact that hashtags are
changing — or even helping to
change — the world, is itself a
discomfiting commentary on
our times.
When Payton Manning
retires from football we
might all learn what the heck
“Omaha” means. Until then his
pet codeword to teammates
is just another name, like
those on a Weather Channel
map, forming an expanding
alternate linguistic universe.
#Sheesh.
tropical storms names used
in the military's phonetic
alphabet —you know, “Able,
Baker, Charlie,” and so forth.
When these ran out a switch
was made to women's names
which riled feminist organiza-
tions for three decades until
men's names were added.
Like this system or not, at
least when a government
agency names a storm every
Tom, Dick and Roker uses it.
But the Weather Channel's
storm aliases are limited to
the confines of the company's
cable channel and website. It's
as if this newspaper decided
to give its own names to
presidential speeches —so
the State of the Union would
be referred to here as, say,
Francis. “Republicans and
Democrats on Capitol Hill dif-
fered sharply in their reaction
to Speech Francis.”
The Weather Channel uses
fairly uncommon names,
such as Juno, a goddess from
Roman mythology. No chance
that could be confused with
anything —except, of course,
NASA's Juno spacecraft, now
roughly 1.5 billion miles away
from Earth on its jaunt to
Jupiter. NASA has long been
incapable of mounting mis-
sions until it gives them names
— along with logos to be sewn
on controllers' jumpsuits.
And let's not even get
started on the military, which
has a fondness for branding
everything it does, as in
“Operation Make Mine a
Double Latte.” The conflict
with the terrorist group ISIS
has officially been dubbed
“Operation Inherent Resolve,”
which, as names go, is both a
political posture and quite a
mouthful.
A few months back CNN
issued a report on “The 13
hashtags that changed the
world.” Some were profound,
such as #ICantBreathe,
which drew attention to Eric
Garner's death at the hands
decades yet we still label
every scandal a “gate”— as
in “Deflate-gate,” concerning
under-inflated footballs used
by the New England Patriots.
Then came Ted Koppel and
ABC-TV and their 1979 deci-
sion to give a news story its
own name. “America Held Hos-
tage” was devoted to a single
story concerning captives in
Iran. Eventually the series
became “Nightline,” but the
gimmick of “branding” stories
stuck —as in “Mystery of Flight
370,” which is what CNN called
hundreds of hours of coverage
about the disappearance of
a Malaysia Airlines plane last
year.
As for naming storms,
the U.S. Weather Bureau
(now the National Weather
Service) made a fine mess of
things over the years. After
World War II it began giving
By: Peter Funt
WHAT'S IN A NAME?
Just guessing here, but
I imagine forecasters at
the Weather Channel are
embarrassed about having to
give winter storms names like
“Juno,” “Kari” and “Linus.”
Juno is what they called the
almost-big one that hit the
Northeast in late January. My
radar says marketing gurus,
not meteorologists, are behind
this nonsense.
A symptom of our super-sim-
plified media and click-happy
culture is naming things,
whether they need names
or not. Nothing gets traction
nowadays without a hashtag.
I suppose it goes back to Bob
Woodward and Carl Bernstein,
whose Watergate reporting
led to the most ubiquitous
tag of all time. It's been four
Peter Funt is a writer and speaker.
His book, “Cautiously Optimistic,” is
available at Amazon.com and
CandidCamera.com. ©2014 Peter
Funt. Columns distributed
exclusively by Cagle Cartoons, Inc.,
newspaper syndicate.
This column has been edited by the author. Representations of
fact and opinions are solely those of the author.
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Aut
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Why Are Most Magazines Forced To Charge So Much Money For Ads?
TOO MANY PIGLETSEATING FROM THE TROUGH!
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Comedy-Watch
#1
March, 2015
‟Watching Real Life, Just For Laughs”
Free Copy!
Thi
nksto
ck/j
ames
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dl a
nd C
agle
Carto
ons.c
om /
Dav
e G
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und
Issue No. 20A Quarterly Magazine Lake Legal News
p.30
Also: Our Album Of Lost & Forgotten Photos...
5thAnniversary
Issue!
14 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
Ad Inquiries: (352) 408-6338 • [email protected] Motto: “Go Quarterly, Or Go Broke!” • www.LakeLegalNews.com
Comedy-Watch#1
March, 2015
‟Watching Real Life, Just For Laughs”
Free Copy!
Thi
nkst
ock
/jam
es st
eidl
and
Cag
leC
arto
ons.c
om
“NAME YOUR PRICE” ADVERTISING!
Issue No. 20A Quarterly Magazine
Lake Legal News
p.30
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5thAnniversary
Issue!
Now with two great quarterly Lake County magazines to choose from, we can fit virtually any advertising budget. Make us prove it!
Ads from $39 to $39 Million (lol)... No more excuses!
In Print & Online
In Print & Online
STAND-UP.
16 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
“Many residents of Los Angeles have been unprepared for the bitter cold. Apparently Kim Kardashian wore so many layers today, people thought she was Khloe.” — Conan O'Brien
“You know how these old people drive—they drive slow, they sit low—that is their motto. The State flag of Florida should be a steering wheel with just a hat and two knuckles on it!” — Jerry Seinfeld
Thi
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STAND-UP.
Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch 17
“A new study came out that found that teenagers actually make better decisions than senior citizens. Really!? Because the last time I checked, we didn't have any shows called ‘85 And Pregnant.’” — Jimmy Fallon
“My neighbor's son ran into the house the other day to his mother and said, ‛Momma, I just knocked over the ladder in the garden!,’ and she said, ‛Well, you'd better go tell your Daddy.’ And the little boy says, ‘Well he knows—he's hanging from the roof of the house now!’” — Redd Foxx
1884 comic's BIO.
1-800-856-1884 • www.1884RestaurantAndBar.com12 East Magnolia Ave., Eustis, Florida 32726
Enjoy LIVE COMEDY ! (2nd Sat. Night Of Each Month)
MY “DREAM” TV APPEARANCE
WOULD BE:
My own “HBO Special.”
PARTING WORDS:
I need to find a publisher to
publish my book, or an agent
to help me sell it!
BORN & RAISED:
Born in Havana, Cuba, raised
in Miami, Florida.
I FIRST DISCOVERED I WAS
“FUNNY” WHEN:
Since I can remember.
MY COMEDY INFLUENCES ARE:
Richard Pryor and George
Carlin.
MEMORIES FROM MY
VERY FIRST STAND-UP
PERFORMANCE:
I was terrible and still could
not wait to do it again—that
is when I knew I had found my
calling in life!
CAREER ASPIRATIONS:
I also want to act—so, to be
in a sitcom and movies. I'm
also a writer and would love to
have my screen-plays turned
into movies and have the
book that I just finish writing
published.
AL Romero: A regular on cruise ships, resorts and
casinos with his agressive, high-energy show, Al has also been seen
on “A&E's Evening at the Improv,” “Latin Kings of Comedy Vol. 2,”
“Night of a 1000 Guido's,” and “Comedy on the Road.” Cuban born
and Miami raised, Al has Latin flair with American style. Whether
you're Cuban or not, you will find yourself laughing 'till it hurts!
18 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
1884 comic's BIO.
Contact the publisher of these magazines—you will be amazed to learn how you can
save up to 90% on high-quality advertising! www.LakeLegalNews.com • (352) 408-6338 • [email protected]
Don't be like this
LOSER... “I lovepaying toomuch for
advertising!”
Comedy-Watch
#1
March, 2015
‟Watching Real Life, Just For Laughs”
Free Copy!
Thi
nksto
ck/j
ames
stei
dl a
nd C
agle
Carto
ons.c
om /
Dav
e G
ranl
und
Issue No. 20A Quarterly Magazine Lake Legal News
p.30
Also: Our Album Of Lost & Forgotten Photos...
5thAnniversary
Issue!
CAPTION ME!
Suggested CAPTION: “Simply pretending I don't see you...”
20 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
M
ISCELLANY.T
hink
stoc
k / L
ofilo
lo
CAPTION ME!
Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch 21
MISCELLANY.
PS: If you happen to have
been born completely blind,
we are trying to track down
an 1829 invention that—if still
operational—will allow you to
read this story through your
elbow or big toe (in complete
safety and comfort).
Here at the Law Off ice of Ric O'Shea, we do things two-of-three ways:Fast, Good, and Cheap.
If it's Fast and it's Good, it ain't Cheap.If it's Fast and it's Cheap, it ain't Good.
If it's Good and it's Cheap, it ain't Fast. (So you choose.)
Get
ty Im
ages
/ Ph
otos
.com
(
Mod
el is
unc
onne
cted
to a
rtic
le)
22 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
drawing conclusionS.
Lic
ensi
ng: w
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.Cag
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ons.c
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Ric
k M
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, The
Agu
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Chr
onic
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sing
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icle
Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch 23
drawing conclusionS.
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om /
Yaak
ov K
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Dry
Bon
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24 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch 25
Lic
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Mik
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26 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
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R.J
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Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch 27
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Milt
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28 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch 29
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30 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
Hey, I'm No Rocket Surgeon!
Slig
htly Tee'd Off.T
hink
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k / g
men
acom
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I have practiced criminal law in Tavares, Florida, for 27 years. I am a former Assistant State Attorney, with supervisory experience at the juvenile, misdemeanor, felony and post-conviction relief levels, including a designation as Lake County's first sex battery and first career-criminal prosecutor.
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