Collaborating Through Conflict

Caroline Nelson, JD, AM Eanes ISD

Why are you here?

What do you want from school-based relationships?

Have you had an experience with someone that was really difficult? (parent, colleague, administrator, teacher)

What’s difficult about each of these roles?

How do they help and hinder you in your job?

What we’re going to do today

The nature of conflict

Conflict styles/responses under stress

School-based relationships

Difficult (crucial, fierce…) conversations

Quick tour of the source materials

The Nature of Conflict

What is it?

Why does it happen?

What does it look like?

When can I expect it?

con-flict

a state of disharmony between incompatible, antithetical, or opposing persons, ideas or interests;

a struggle resulting from the opposition or simultaneous functioning of mutually exclusive impulses, desires or tendencies;

a state of open fighting, battle or war

Sources of conflict

Different problem-solving styles

Unmet psychological needs

Misperceptions

Limited resources

Miscommunication

Different values

Different learning and processing styles

Types of Conflict

Can You Identify These in School?

Low-impact Conflict

Latent Conflict

Transient Conflict

Representational Conflict

Stubborn Conflict

Enduring Conflict

Latent Conflict in School-Based Relationships

PARENTS Focused on this child, balanced with needs of siblings Emotions in play; aren’t necessarily choosing to be here Horizon: adult life

TEACHERS, SERVICE PROVIDERS Focused on this child, balanced with needs of case load Intellect, facts, training; choose to be here Horizon: this school year or school level

ADMINISTRATORS & OTHER SCHOOL PROFESSIONALS

It’s inevitable, so…

Shift thinking from resolution to management, reactivity to proactivity

Can’t manage it without knowing something about it

Know Thyself…

Why identify your conflict style? Recognize when you are triggered Recognizing what you see in others

“Your Style Under Stress” assessment

Recognizing Conflict Styles

Flight, silence, avoidance Masking Avoiding/evading Withdrawing Shutting down

Fight, aggression, violence Controlling Labeling Attacking

Strategies for Managing Conflict

Bang for the buck: go for low-hanging fruit

The barometer: monitor and respond to safety issues

Lessons from meteorology: when a watch turns into a warning

Don’t forget to act!

Start with you

Bang for the buck: The only person you can directly control is yourself

Focus on what you really want

Professional judgment, best practices, what’s best for the student

What do I want for myself, for others, for the relationship?

What does my behavior tell me about my motives?

Recognize when safety is at risk

Keep an eye on the barometer

Look at content and conditions High stakes High emotion Varying opinions

Watch others’ behavior – fight or flight?

Look for outbreaks of your style under stress

Building safety

When pressure changes…

Step out of the conversation

What’s at risk? (This is what you’re trying to get back to) Mutual purpose Mutual respect

Apologize when appropriate

Skill: Contrast I don’t intend/mean… I do intend/mean…

Are you triggered?

When a watch turns into a warning… Retrace your path Notice your behavior: fight or flight? Identify the feelings behind the behavior Ask: what story are you telling yourself?

Tell the rest of the story Perhaps only to yourself Ask – does this match the facts?

Get back to the facts

Turning conversation into action

Finish clearly: Who does what by when? How to monitor and report progress?

What if nothing needs to happen?

SuperHeroes of Relationships: The Non-Quantifiables

Trust

Communication

Feeling Known and Understood

Communication

How much, what kind and how do I do it?

Truth

“There are no facts, only interpretations.” Friedrich Neitzsche

Find and explore the gap

Substitute “and” for “but”

Impact vs. intent

Goal: create a “learning conversation”

Listen First

“One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears.”

Dean Rusk

What are you listening for?

Attitude of curiosity and patience

Skill: ask questions to get at interests

Feeling Known and Understood

You and your counterpart

Sharing your views and figuring out theirs

Establish common ground/agree with what you can

Compare when views differ (vs. judging — not right/wrong – just a contrast)

Get to the WHY behind the WHAT

When you have a tough message to share

Share your facts

Check your story (and maybe tell it… or not)

Ask for others’ facts and story

Encourage clarifying

Trust

Competence and Character

13 Trust Behaviors

And the winner is… Best theme: Communication is about the content AND the

relationship

Best skill: contrasting (“I want to accomplish […my real goal…], but I don’t want to do […what you are afraid of…]”

Best mind-set: A conflict/difficult conversation is an opportunity for a learning conversation – problem-solving is in the gap between the stories.

Best German philosopher quote: “There are no facts, only interpretations.”

Best skill and mind-set in a dual role: “and,” not “but”

Yours?