2

COLD ROOMSChapteR 5 - pOOCh pUNteRS aNONYMOUS

TIME: WINTER 2008

SETTING: SAM MAXWELL, A SENIOR 20 SOMETHING ANESTHESIOLOGY RESIDENT AT COOK COUNTY HOSPITAL - CHICAGO, ILLINOIS IS FINISHING HIS RESIDENCY. SAM IS TRYING TO DECIDE ON A CAREER PATH - BATTLING WITHIN HIS MIND BETWEEN A HIGH END SUBURBAN JOB V DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS. SAM LIVES WITH KERI - WHO HE MET AT WEAGHMAN’S PARK - A WISCONSIN THEME ESTABLISHMENT AND 20 SOMETHING HANGOUT AT THE CORNER OF CLARK AND ADDISON IN FRONT OF WRIGLEY FIELD. KERI AND SAM MET DURING THE CUBS MAGICAL 2008 SEASON - WHICH ENDED IN AN UNFORTUNATE EARLY PLAYOFF EXIT.

THE O.R. ( OPERATING ROOM ) AND WEAGHMAN’S PARK ARE THE SCENES OF SCRIPT CHATTER - EXTENSIVE NARRATIVE DIALOGUE ABOUT MEDICINE AND SURGERY, CHICAGO SPORTS, AND OTHER IMPORTANT CHICAGO CULTURE AND EVENTS. FOLLOW ALONG AS EACH EPISODE BUILDS WITH EXCITING RELATIONSHIPS AND CONTROVERSIAL TOPICS.

KERIHEY JOSH SORRY ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT - I SAW SAM COMING AND I WAS OUT OF HERE. I SUSPECTED HE WAS COMING BECAUSE OF THE MULTIPLE TEXT MESSAGES AND VOICE MAILS ON MY VERIZON CELLULAR. I ALMOST THREW IT AWAY.

JOSHMAYBE YOU SHOULD RECONSIDER THIS WHOLE THING KERI.

KERINO WAY - NOT IN A MILLION YEARS. I’M HURT BADLY. I’VE HAD IT.

JOSHBUT SAM IS CRAWLING BACK.

KERIHE IS NO DIFFERENT THAN ANY OTHER GUY - HE LIKES GIRLS, FOOTBALL, AND BEER IN THAT O.R. DER. ALL MEN HAVE VERY PRIMITIVE THOUGHT PROCESSES. NONE ARE DIFFERENT. AND WHEN HE SEES HIS GIRL GO, HE INSTINCTIVELY WILL TRY TO GET HER BACK AND THEN MOVE ONTO THE NEXT PREY.

3

WILLTHAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I’M LIKE. JOSH MAY BE A TOUCH DIFFERENT - BUT NOT MUCH.

KERISO ALL YOU GUYS ARE LIKE MOUNTAIN LIONS STALKING THEIR PREY - WHICH IS GIRLS, BEER, AND FOOTBALL.

WILLI GUESS YOU COULD SAY THAT. AT LEAST WE’RE NOT COMPLICATED. IT IS WHAT IT IS - O.R. AT LEAST YOUR PERCEPTION OF THINGS.

JOSHSEE KERI - HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU’D BE HAPPY WITH SAM IF HE WAS WORKING UP IN LAKE FOREST ? I MEAN HE MAYBE A MUCH BETTER PERSON IF HE WAS DOING A SIBERIAN STINT WITH ANESTHESIA.

WILLSOME OF THOSE FOLKS UP THERE ARE ALMOST ANESTHETIZED BY THE COLD ANYWAY - THEY MOVE SLOWLY.

JOSHAND CARS DON’T START. PEOPLE DIE DAILY FROM HYPOTHERMIA.

WILLAND YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT DROWNING LIKE IN LAKE MICHIGAN BECAUSE THE WATER IS FROZEN YEAR ROUND TEN FEET DEEP - YOU CANNOT EVEN ICE FISH.

JOSHYES - LET SAM HAVE HIS LITTLE GIG UP THERE - GET IT OUT OF HIS SYSTEM.

WILLYOU WON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT SAM CHASING OFF WITH AN ESKIMO GAL EITHER. I DON’T SEE THAT. HE JUST WANTS THE ADVENTURE.

JOSHLIKE THE ICE HOCKEY GAME BETWEEN THE BLACK HAWKS AND RED WINGS COMING UP ON THE FIRST AT WRIGLEY.

KERIOK YOU GUYS STOP IT - I GET THE DRIFT. MAYBE I WAS A BIT HARD ON HIM.

WILLYOU DON’T EVER WANT TO FORCE A GUY TO PROPOSE AND THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

4

KERINO IT IS NOT - SINCE WHEN DID YOU GUYS EVER BECOME EXPERTS ON MALE FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS ?

JOSHWE ARE SAYING THAT YOU ARE FORCING THE ISSUE. IT IS TIME WHEN IT IS TIME FOR SAM.

KERII PERSONALLY THINK YOU ARE OVER REACTING BIG TIME.

JOSHEXCUSE ME THAT GROUP BACK THERE WANTS SOME FIRESIDE NUT BROWN - COMING UP SIR - WE HAVE ONLY A COUPLE KEGS LEFT SINCE AFTER THE FIRST OF THE YEAR THE SEASONAL BEER FROM CHIPPEWA FALLS IS 1888 BOCK.

KERIMY GOD PEOPLE CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF THIS STUFF. ESPECIALLY THE LEINIES BEER. WE ONLY HAD O.R. IGINAL WHEN YOU OPENED WEAGHMAN’S PARK.

JOSHNOW EVERYONE WANTS ALL THE VARIETIES OF LEINIES. WE PUSHED TO HAVE LEINIES LIGHT FOR THE GALS AND NOW THEY WANT ALL THE HEAVY STUFF TOO.

WILLI STILL LIKE THE O.R. IGINAL THE BEST. IT GOES SO GOOD WITH ZUERCHER CHEESE.

JOSHAND WE’RE EXPANDING THAT LINE ALSO. I JUST GOT WORD FROM ZUERCHER’S THAT AS A TRIAL THEY WANT US TO BEGIN OFFERING SOME OF THE SPECIALTY BRANDS ON CONSIGNMENT.

KERILIKE WHAT ?

JOSHWELL HERE IS THE LIST: BLACK DIAMOND CHEDDAR FROM CANADA, BOURSIN PEPPER FROM FRANCE, DUTCH GOAT BUTTER SALTED, ALPINE LACE SWISS, AND BEL GIOIOSO PROVOLONE FROM ITALY. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT - IT IS LIKE WEAGHMAN’S PARK IS A TESTING FACILITY FOR ZUERCHER CHEESE AND NORTH OF THE BORDER BEER.

KERIAND WEIGHT GAIN.

5

WILLYES I’VE HEARD AT OHARE THAT SOME GALS WON’T COME IN HERE BECAUSE THEY CANNOT GET OUT OF HERE WITHOUT BOBBY PINNING THEIR PANTS UP. THE WEIGHT GAIN BEGINS RIGHT WHILE THEY ARE HERE.

KERII TOLD SAM A WHILE BACK I COULD GO TO WEAGHMAN’S PARK BUT I COULDN’T STAY LONG O.R. EAT ANYTHING BECAUSE I WOULDN’T FIT IN THE CAR ON THE WAY HOME. GUYS DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT STUFF BECAUSE IT IS STILL OK TO BE OVER WEIGHT AS A GUY.

JOSHWELL THE AVERAGE WEIGHT GAIN IS 18 POUNDS BETWEEN AGES 35 AND 40 IN THE UNITED STATES.

KERIWELL THE 20 SOMETHINGS GET THAT EARLY IF THEY COME TO WEAGHMAN’S PARK.

JOSHWELL ONE MUST JUST CONTROL THE INTAKE VALVE ON BEER AND CHEESE. ALL I KNOW IS THAT THIS BUSINESS MODEL WORKS AND........

KERIYOUR PARENTS ARE WORRIED YOU WON’T WORK DOWNTOWN NEAR THE LAKE IN A HIGH RISE OFFICE BUILDING MAKING MEGA BUCKS IF YOU’RE ABLE TO MAKE IT HERE.

WILLWELL YOU WON’T MISS MANY PLAYOFF GAMES O.R. WINTER HOCKEY GAMES AT WRIGLEY WORKING HERE.

JOSHYES I THINK THAT OUTSIDE HOCKEY GAME IS INTRIGUING - ARE YOU ALL GOING ?

KERII HEARD IT WAS SOLD OUT - BESIDES I DON’T HAVE A DATE.

WILLWELL THIS IS WHAT THE BLACK HAWKS NEED THIS YEAR - A BIG WIN OUTSIDE TO SPUR THEM ON.

JOSHI AGREE - WE NEED THIS OUTSIDE GAME TO GET ALL OF CHICAGO SPORTS GOING AND ON LINE. MY GOD - LOOK AT THE BEARS - THEY COULD HAVE WALKED INTO THE

6

PLAYOFFS - AND HOUSTON - AN EXPANSION TEAM BEAT THEM.

WILLWE ARE NO LONGER THE MONSTERS OF THE MIDWAY. WE ARE NOT REALLY TOUGH ANYWHERE. HECK AFTER WATCHING THAT GAME I FEEL LIKE TRYING OUT AGAIN. I WONDER HOW MANY BEERS IN CHICAGO WERE CONSUMED IN THAT FOURTH QUARTER ALONE IN THE HOUSTON LOSS.

JOSHA TON - I SAW THE END - IT WAS LIKE CUSTARD’S LAST STAND - A MASSACRE. WE CANNOT GET ANYTHING GOING ON OFFENSE AND CANNOT MAKE STOPS ON DEFENSE.

KERII WATCHED THAT GAME WITH SAM IN THE RESIDENT’S LOUNGE AT THE HOSPITAL - THERE WAS A BUNCH OF REAL GRUMBLING GOING ON - FROM FIRE LOVIE TO BRING BACK DITKA TO IF WE ONLY HAD SWEETNESS.

WILLWE ARE ALL LIVING IN THE PAST - WE WON’T GET A SUPER BOWL WIN UNLESS WE REALLY HAVE A SUPER STAR QUARTERBACK - AND IF THAT IS O.R. TON FINE - HE JUST NEEDS TO REALLY STEP UP - I THINK HE’S A GOOD GUY -

KERIOF COURSE HE IS A GOOD GUY AND NO ONE MORE DESERVING THAN NUMBER 18 - WHICH HE WEARS TO GIVE HONOR TO A FALLEN QUARTERBACK RESERVE IN NEBRASKA IN THE 1990S WHO CAME OFF THE BENCH AND WON A NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP.

JOSHOH YOU MEAN BROOK BERRINGER - YES PLANE CRASH DURING SPRING BALL - FUNERAL OF UMPTEEN THOUSAND - NEVER FORGOTTEN - GREAT STUDENT ATHLETE.

WILLYES I AGREE IF O.R. TON IS HONORING AND WEARING THIS GUY BERRINGER’S NUMBER - WELL I’M FOR HIM AND I WANT KYLE TO GET A RING - THAT SIMPLE.

KERIGET THE RINGS WHILE HE IS IN CHICAGO. SOME GUYS HAVE GONE ELSEWHERE AND DONE WELL.

JOSHDON’T TALK ABOUT GRIESE - HE IS SO INCONSISTENT - AND PLAYED ONLY OCCASIONALLY WELL WHILE IN CHICAGO. I

7

THINK KYLE O.R. TON IS REALLY GIVING IT 200 % - HECK AT PURDUE HE COULDN’T MISS.

WILLBUT THE AGONY OF DEFEAT IN CHICAGO IS SO LOUD AND...........

JOSHRECURRENT.

KERII REMEMBER WATCHING THAT HOUSTON GAME SO VIVIDLY AND IT WAS ALL ALONG HOW CAN WE GIVE THIS GAME AWAY TO AN EXPANSION TEAM AND NOT GET IN THE PLAYOFFS.

JOSHBUT WE REALLY SLOPPED OUT AGAINST GREEN BAY - HOW WE WON THAT GAME I DON’T KNOW. THEY TOTALLY OUTPLAYED US FROM START UNTIL ABOUT TWO MINUTES TO GO.

WILLWELL I THOUGHT THE PACKERS WOULD LEAK IN THE END AND THEY DID.

KERIWELL IF THE BULLS DON’T GET GOING WE WILL BE FIGHTING IN APRIL FOR THE LAST PLAYOFF SPOT IN THE EAST.

JOSHCAN YOU BELIEVE THE BUCKS ARE AHEAD OF US - YES THE BUCKS.

WILLDO THEY EVEN TRY TO WIN GAMES UP THERE - THEY HAVE GREAT DRAFTS, SIGN GUYS, WHO THEN NO - SHOW FOR GAMES AND ARE THEN SEEN IN MALLS A FEW YEARS LATER.

KERIYES WITH VINNY, CHICAGO FANS, A GREAT BUNCH OF COACHES, THE VERY BEST ROOKIE IN THE LEAGUE IN ROSE - AND WE STILL STRUGGLE. MY GOD DENG, THOMAS, GRAY, SEFOLOSHA MY BOYFRIEND, HUGHES, GOODEN, AND GORDON ARE ALL STRUGGLING A BIT. NOAH HAS BEEN AN NBA BUST - I’M NOT CERTAIN WHERE TO PUT HIM - CEDAR RAPIDS - BUT I’D BET HE’D LOAF DOWN IN THE DEVELOPMENTAL LEAGUE ALSO.

WILLTHERE IS NO DOUBT CHICAGO HAS PLAYERS AND SHOULD BE MORE COMPETITIVE. WE REALLY STRUGGLE WITH SOME TEAMS - LIKE DOWN BY 30 SOME POINTS AGAINST O.R.

8

LANDO IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GAME. WE’LL NEVER WIN THAT GAME - WE SHOULD HAVE THE MERCY RULE DECLARED LIKE IN Y BASKETBALL O.R. LITTLE LEAGUE - REMEMBER THE TEN RUN RULE ?

JOSHYES - I AGREE THE BULLS JUST FLAT OUT DON’T STEP UP. AND I’LL GET THAT CROWD SOME ALPINE LACE ZUERCHER’S AND SOME LIGHT LEINIES FOR THE LADIES. THE 1888 BOCK ISN’T IN UNTIL NEXT WEEK. AND WE’RE OUT OF OCTOBERFEST - I COULDN’T KEEP THAT IN STOCK. THAT IS JUST SEASONAL IN THE FALL.

KERII’LL TAKE A SHEBOYGAN BRAT WITH THE WORKS WHILE YOU’RE AT IT JOSH. LOTS OF ONIONS.

WILLKERI YOU SEEM A BIT TEARY EYED. YOU’RE STARTING TO ACT LIKE A GIRL AGAIN.

KERITHAT IS BECAUSE I AM A GIRL - YOU GUYS ARE TOTALLY WITHOUT FEELINGS. NONE AT ALL. YOU ARE JUST TOILET TRAINED HUMANS WHO HAVE BEEN LET LOOSE UPON THE WORLD. NO DIFFERENT THAN A POOCH PUNT - IT GOES NOWHERE.

JOSHHANG ON - WE ARE FEELING FOR YOU - WE HAVEN’T TALKED ABOUT SAM SINCE WE DIDN’T WANT TO UPSET YOU.

KERII GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE - NOW I REALIZE I MAY HAVE MADE A BIG MISTAKE. I’M STEALING AWAY SAM’S FUTURE THAT HE WORKED SO HARD FOR BECAUSE I’M SELFISH AND WANT ALL THE NORMAL THINGS.

WILLMAYBE YOU TWO NEED A COUNSELOR. THE PRIEST HERE IN WRIGLEYVILLE DOES IT FOR FREE. BUT IF YOU ARE COHABITATING HE MAY NOT. THAT IS AGAINST THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

JOSHI THINK YOU JUST NEED TO GO WITH THE FLOW KERI - I WOULDN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. JUST DO YOUR SOCIAL O.R. DER - I MEAN SOCIAL WORK JOB AND THINGS WILL WORK OUT FOR THE BETTER.

KERIWHAT IF SAM QUITS TRYING TO COME BACK ?

9

JOSHHE WILL RETURN - TRUST ME - IF HE WANTS THE RELATIONSHIP HE’LL MAKE A MOVE. REMEMBER GUYS ARE ALL JUST TOILET TRAINED POOCH PUNTERS WHO LIKE BEER, FOOTBALL, AND GIRLS - SO WE ARE DISABLED AS A GROUP. WE DON’T RESPOND QUICKLY.

WILLGUYS GET ALL NERVED UP ABOUT THE MARRIAGE STUFF BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO DO THE ASKING.

KERIBUT THEN IT’S DONE FOR THEM AND THE GIRL HAS TO DO EVERYTHING ELSE.

JOSHBUT IT IS A BIG DEAL FOR A GUY TO ASK SOMEONE TO WALK DOWN THE ALTER BECAUSE IT IS PERMANENT.

KERIWELL MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN SAM MORE TIME - NO MAYBE HE HAD ENOUGH AND IF HE WANTS THIS TO WORK HE’LL HAVE TO WORK FOR IT. I’LL HAVE SOME OF THAT ALPINE SWISS CHEESE IN LACES ALSO SINCE I’M SUPPOSED TO BE LOSING WEIGHT FROM STRESS. IF WE ARE A TESTING STATION HERE AT WEAGHMAN’S PARK FOR ZUERCHER CHEESE, WELL THEN WE COULD VERY WELL BE THE PLUMPEST BLOCK IN CHICAGO.

JOSHWELL - I WONDER WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON IN THOSE COLD ROOMS SAM IS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT BACK AT COOK COUNTY.

KERIYES SAM ALWAYS SAID THOSE ROOMS WERE SO COLD EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WARM. THE NURSES ARE ALL HOT WITH SURGICAL LIGHTS, GARB, AND MENOPAUSE.

JOSHHEY SAM IS ON THE LINE - SHOULD I TAKE THE CALL ?

KERIYES - I’LL ANSWER IT - NO I WON’T - GO AHEAD JOSH.

JOSHHEY SAM WHAT IS GOING ON ?

SAMOH IT IS SLOW FOR COOK COUNTY - MAYBE THE WEATHER. I GOT SOME SLEEP LAST NIGHT SO I MAY BE DOWN TONIGHT

10

IN A BIT SINCE I’VE GOT MY CALL COVERED. ANY ZUERCHER’S CHEESE LEFT.

JOSHYES WE EVEN HAVE SOME NEW SPECIALTIES FROM EUROPE THAT ZUERCHER’S WANTS US TO TEST MARKET. WHAT IS NEW AT THE HOSPITAL. GETTING READY FOR ALPINE VALLEY ?

SAMNO - HAVEN’T EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT THE MORALE TRIP TO ALPINE VALLEY WITH THE O.R. STAFF. WE’VE HAD SO MUCH HIGH RISK OB AND TRAUMA THIS PAST WEEK - BUT NOT TODAY.

JOSHFEELS LIKE YOU ARE IN DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS RIGHT HERE IN CHICAGO.

SAMFUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT - I DO FEEL LIKE I’VE BEEN IN SIBERIA WITH ALL THESE CASES, RUNNING OUT OF EQUIPMENT AND PERSONNEL. IT IS REALLY A STRUGGLE RIGHT HERE IN THESE COLD ROOMS AT COOK COUNTY. I’M THINKING OF TAKING THAT LAKE FOREST SUBURBAN JOB, GETTING SEASON CUB TICKETS - AT LEAST SHARE THEM WITH SOMEONE, AND WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE.

JOSHWOULDN’T THAT BE A TON EASIER UP THERE WORKING ON ALL THOSE FOLKS WITH MONEY ?

SAMI GUESS SO - BUT YOU STILL TAKE CARE OF THE PATIENT NO MATTER WHAT SIZE, SOCIOECONOMIC STATUS, OPERATION, WHATEVER. IT DOESN’T MATTER - MAYBE KERI WAS RIGHT - I MAY HAVE DONE DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS RIGHT HERE IN CHICAGO.

JOSHSIBERIA SOUNDS COLD - REALLY COLD -

SAMBUT YOU KNOW WHAT - I SAW THREE MAJOR FROST BITE CASES THIS PAST WEEK. CHICAGO IS NOT LIKE WARM. WE HAVE SIBERIA RIGHT HERE ON LAKE MICHIGAN SHORES. I KNOW THAT.

JOSHWHAT IS MELANIE UP TO ?

11

SAMOH SHE WANTS TO GO OUT FOR A BEER AFTERWARDS - BUT I DON’T KNOW - MAYBE WE’LL JUST COME DOWN TO WEAGHMAN’S PARK. BETTER FOOD AND ATMOSPHERE.

JOSHSOUNDS GOOD - SEE YOU TWO IN A BIT.

KERISO MELANIE AND SAM ARE COMING HERE. I’M GONE FOR GOOD - I KNEW IT - MELANIE AT THAT HOSPITAL IS THE MOST PREYING WOMAN GOD COULD MANUFACTURE. THERE COUDN’T BE ANY WORSE. I’M OUT OF HERE SINCE THOSE TWO ARE ON THEIR WAY. YES MEN ARE LOW LIFE POOCH PUNTERS WHO ARE LET LOOSE AFTER MINIMAL TOILET TRAINING. SEE YOU ALL - I DON’T KNOW WHEN - MAYBE I’LL

GET A DATE FOR THE OUTDOOR ICE HOCKEY NHL GAME.

eND-ChapteR 5, COLD ROOMS