As rationistas begin fretting about

wellness strategies for the silly

season, SM King makes a swan dive

into the buffet.

It’s the time of year for the

judicious to slowly build to an elite

level of gluttony and debunk the

myth that one must detox before

Christmas when actually the

opposite is true. It’s time to form

resilience in the face of hams, dawn

cocktails and other toxins. Training

must begin for the transfat

marathon. In short, now is the time

to ‘retox’.

I’d been planning a pre-Christmas retoxfor years. Regrettably, all attempts werethwarted. I have tended to maintain abalanced diet. I made concessions toexercise. Such as not parking my car so

close to the supermarket entrance as to actuallyopen the automatic doors. I’ve even mowed thelawn a couple of times.

Vigour kept getting in the way of a thoroughretox.

And then, the plump hand of fatedescended. I was invited to the wellspring of all-you-can-eat vacations.

Could there be any better place to vandalisethe temple of the body than a Club Med?

Better yet, this was a Club Med in Mauritius. The island seemed a perfect setting for such

a mission, given its first industry was rum. This, Idecided, was to be a journey of ruin.

The Air Mauritius flight from Perth fortuitouslyarrived at dawn. Excellent. I was in time for the

breakfast buffet at the new La Plantationd’Albion.

Club Med’s first excursion into high-end digsafforded a very decent opening impression. Myroom was quite big enough in which to swingseveral cats. I oohed and aahed appropriatelywhen shown its features. All the while, preciousretox breakfast minutes passed. Flatscreen TV,nice. Twin sinks and a bathtub colossus, lovely.Complimentary mini bar replenished daily: tearsof joy.

I ran a comb through hectic plane hair andfreefell into retox.

La Distillerie is the resort’s chief restaurant.Shaded seating areas radiate from a vast centralspace. It’s aesthetically pleasing, sure. But, oh,the breakfast.

Four out of the six immense serving islandswere in full swing. Breads, cheeses, small goodsand cereals jostled for my attention.

Next, an orchard of fruit was on show. I

Unravelling in StyleImages: SM King

VOLCANIC MOUNTAINS AND SUGAR CANE.

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reasoned that I’d balance these nutrients withcocktails later in the day. I was just a little miffedto find that I liked something as healthysounding as aloe vera yoghurt.

Ecumenical in my excess, I loaded up onAsian breakfast staples. Miso soup, silken tofu,bonito flakes and an assortment of picklesformed a teaser. I brought it on home with abarnyard of bacon, sausages, and a freshlycooked-to-order omelette.

No one said retox was going to be easy.I started to think about a lunch strategy and

whether it was too early to order a beer.To my real chagrin, I slept through the noon

buffet. Naturally, I began to fret that all-inclusiveretox value would slip through my fingers. So, Iwoke and raced to the L’Alouda Bar for asunset drink before the real tally began atcocktail hour.

At Zen central, I found a woman with a PinotGris in one hand and a homing pigeon’s dinnerin the other. Her husband was nonchalant. As ifhoming pigeons were common bar fixtures; justlike ESPN and suspicious bowls of peanuts.

John and Val, as it turned out, were fromSouth Africa and true Club Med habitués. Theyhad keenly anticipated the opening of the newLa Plantation d’Albion.

John and Val had only just arrived. They werereluctant to commit to an opinion of the placejust then. “It’s a bit quiet”, said John. We weresitting in an area especially designated as acalm zone, but I felt it rude to point this out.

This second pool and bar, located in the Zenarea, is part of Club Med’s strategy to reinventits rowdy brand and offer more modes ofrelaxation to guests.

Known for its all-inclusive price and almostcultish approach to fun, Club Med hastraditionally eschewed the luxury market. Itrejects the star system out of hand. Instead, thegroup awards its own properties with “tridents”.

La Plantation d’Albion has been painted withfive of Poseidon’s finest. The service is casualbut stellar and the accommodations polished,making this Club Med a real contender in thehigh-end taste stakes.

And despite its top notch features, a distinctClub Med flavour imbues the property. Themedevening dress codes and a ritual dance called“crazy signs” hardly scream refinement.However, I determined to embrace them in anycase. Those on a detox retreat would begin theirday with Tai Chi. I’d end mine with the ChickenDance.

This was the spiritual portion of my retox.Not everyone participates in Club Med’s

organised high-jinks. It just works better if theydo. On the night that the dress code was “allwhite”, about 80% of guests obliged. And, I hadto concede, the pale tableau of patrons againstinfinity pool and some of the most marvellousfireworks I’ve seen was stunning.

Fortunately, a daily activities schedule isdelivered to the room, making it easy to planone’s escape. Tipsy after-dinner disco was one

thing. Aqua aerobics was quite another. I hadelected to avoid strenuous exercise.

Small excursions away from the village takearound half a day, so you can pop out and stillbe back in time for a leisurely cooking lesson.

The giant tortoises at the Botanic Gardensaren’t too far away and certainly quite a sight.And, no matter your dedication to sloth, thecapital Port Louis must not be overlooked.There is the buzzing Central Market, Chinatown,the Jummah Mosque and the upscale LaCaudan Waterfront complex.

Rose Hill is also close by and boasts amagnificent Hindu temple. There’s excellentshopping in the town’s warren of streets and it’sless touristy than the capital’s Central Market.Here, it is easier to browse without being bulliedto buy.

Although these trips are only 15-20km awayat most, don’t expect to get anywhere in a hurryin Mauritius. Routes are haphazard, indirect andclogged despite a 200% duty imposed on newcar purchases. On the plus side, people-watching in a slow moving vehicle can bedelightful. Mauritius has nearly twice thepopulation density as Japan. Naturally, there’salways something to see.

Roads go through towns rather than aroundthem. The constantly changing landscape isnever boring, in part due to the vibrant history ofthe place.

All the colonial supersailors had a crack atthe island over the last five hundred years. First

LEFT: CHINATOWN IN PORT LOUIS. RIGHT: THE MAIN RESTAURANT LA DISTILLERIE AT CLUB MED.

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the Portuguese, then the Dutch followed by theFrench and finally the British. The Dutch broughtwith them sugarcane and Malagasy slavesbefore doing away with the dodo. The Frenchturned it into a ship-building centre and hauledin more slaves from Africa. Shortly after theBritish took control as a spoil of the NapoleonicWars, slavery was abolished and indenturedservants from China and India began to arriveon the island. Today’s population is an Englishand French-speaking cultural megamix.

Out of the towns, the landscape is dramatic.Sugarcane still dominates the island, andmountains of volcanic rock rise out of the sweetgreen waves of cane like casual dollops ofchocolate meringue.

I’ve clearly become buffet obsessed. A day of tourism put a critical dint in my

plans to consume myself silly. So, I quicklyaddressed the withdrawal symptoms oncereturned. With a lager in hand, I checked on thepigeon’s progress down at the L’Alouda Bar. Hismessage remained undelivered. He was stillthere, gorging on bread and canapés. He’devidently hit the jackpot at Club Med, and I wasbeginning to feel the same.

While attacking the champagne fountain asthough it were a game of pick up sticks, I spiedJohn and Val from the main pool. They’dwarmed up to the place. They, like me, hadfallen for the charms of the buffet and werebuoyed by the influx of guests. Carefully jugglingthree canapés I asked them about the foodrelative to other Club Meds.

“It’s similar, but a notch above,” said Val.John agreed, “the presentation is excellent, theyshow you how to lay the different parts of thebuffet dishes out on your plate, or they do it foryou.”

With all six stations firing, the dinner buffetwas something to behold. One entire stationwas devoted to Mauritian specialties. I found ithard to go past those subtly flavoured curriesand Creole spiced fish. A carvery served upmost beasts known to be good eating and adedicated pasta station cooked dishes to orderfrom a vast array of possible ingredients. I atefive enormous dinners here and never becamejaded.

The retox was going to plan.On my final morning I woke to find the plump

pigeon ascended. I followed his lead and tooksome light exercise too. The golf driving rangelooked like the gentlest course of action. Afterconsistently hitting the pole holding the net upsome 30 metres away and to the left, I gave upand returned to the buffet.

Beef carpaccio, Mauritian chicken curry andcoconut pudding gave me strength for a littlemore moderate activity.

Given my golf aim, archery seemed theobvious choice. I was kitted up and shown whatto do with my feet, arrows and bow. I wasadvised of a few clever ways to avoidaccidentally shooting someone.

My first arrow flew clean over the target intothe net behind. As did my second and third.After lowering my aim I finally hit the target’souter edge. It’s frustrating and fun at the sametime. In order to actually hit the bullseye, I hadto adjust my mental game. I pretended I’d beencut-off from the buffet, and had to fend formyself. I hit the target smack in the middle andwon silver in the tournament.

I have returned a silver medallist. I have alsoreturned in the much the same shape as thehoming pigeon: plump, content and primed forChristmas excess.

Club Med La Plantation d’Albion in Mauritiuspriced from $4030 ex Sydney & Melbourne and$3570 ex Perth per adult.

Club Med’s all-inclusive package includesflights, six nights accommodation, transfers &taxes, three gourmet buffet meals daily, openbar and snacking service, nightly entertainmentand other activities.

The writer was a guest of Club Med and AirMauritius.

ABOVE: OCEAN VIEW SUITE. LEFT: NATURAL REMEDYSELLER AT CENTRAL MARKET IN PORT LOUIS.

MAIN SWIMMING POOL AT CLUB MED.

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The Transformer

Joseph BEUYSGerman 1921–86Directive forces (Of a new society) (Richtkräfte (Einer neuen Gesellschaft))1974–77blackboards, chalk, easels, painted walking stick, transparency with woodenlightbox, wooden plinthsNationalgalerie im Hamburger Bahnhof, Berlin© Joseph Beuys / VG BILD-KUNST. Bonn. Licensed by VISCOPY Australia

Beuys’ seminal work Richtkräfte (Directive forces) was the outcome ofa month long ‘Action’ at the Institute for Contemporary Art, London in1974. An accumulation of 100 blackboards, Richtkräfte documents theevents and associations occurring in Beuys’ life at that time and tracesthe artist’s thoughts on social reform through creative production.During the Action, Beuys placed a blackboard on one of three easelsand, while interacting with participants, inscribed in chalk his basicprinciples for social sculpture.

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