ACT I SCENE 1

(Darkness. A male’s voice is heard in the darkness.)

VOICEOVER (FESCUE)

You give Jesus lemonade and he’ll make lemons. (pause) Me – I’m just the opposite. (Darkness modulates to dimness on stage we barely see a man wearing desert military camouflage)

FESCUE I am the desert fox. I hide in the shadows.

(smiles, a tooth is missing) Name’s Fescue. On cue Fescue. I’m a dusk to dawn guy. You will find me in the shadows protecting your values no matter how rich or poor you are, or where you are, if you believe in our values, I’ll try to be there for you. For if you believe in our values, then you are most definitely clean. And you know, our values never change. Got my real start in life and in the military at Fort Benning, Georgia, advanced infantry course. A first sergeant there taught me a life lesson. “Son, you’re never gonna be a rocket scientist because, let’s face it, your rocket launcher doesn’t go all the way to the top. Given those limitations son, it’s important to be decisive in life in protecting those who have as well as those who can get. Whether it’s to take on the enemy by charging straight up the hill or by first calling in the F4 fighter planes and softening up the enemy with some high explosives. Make the decision and stick to it . Whether it’s right or wrong, good or bad, wise or dumb, stick to it and ride it out.” The red, rocky clay terrain at Fort Benning often felt extraterrestrial; like I was on Mars, sweet Mars.

(pause) While there, I entered a talent contest to pick the funniest infantryman. The winner got to select the location of his next tour of duty. Since the Vietnam War was heating up, I thought I’d enter the contest, win it and get me an

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all expense paid vacation to Europe courtesy of Uncle Sam. It’s difficult to be funny wearing camouflage military fatigues with spit-shined combat boots, close cropped hair and all, but I gave it my best imitating the great comedian/patriot Bob Hope as he entertained the troops. “Troops, we flew here today to entertain you. They gave us a twenty-one gun salute, three of them were ours.” I won the contest, got the European assignment, but because of the “needs of the Army”, my orders were changed and I got sent to DaNang just in time to be on the receiving end of the Tet offensive.

(Pause) You are about to see Digby. Pay very close attention. She’s living the good life, (pause) the one we protect even if we can’t live it. You know, the lemonade. (The desert disappears and darkness briefly reigns.)

FESCUE

Does she believe in our values? Is she really clean? [is she involved in a larger conspiracy that’s bubbling up? Her Daddy is most definitely a suspect.] I will go under cover as an under-employed Vietnam War veteran and try to find out.

(Digby, wearing the latest in stylish shoes, a mini skirt, and a see-through silk shirt, is frozen under a spotlight)

DIGBY (slowly thawing)

(To herself) I can’t believe I’m taking the train out tonight. I thought I would be going with Daddy and his driver Tony in Daddy’s new S-class. But Daddy had a sudden early important meeting in East Hampton with some of those oddball guys he does big business with. So he drove out this morning and I’m taking the old 5:51. At least there was room in the trunk for my big bag so I didn’t have to drag it on to the train. How unbearable would that have been? Besides Daddy’s bag in the trunk, there were a bunch of CDs. They were all the same. I asked Tony what was up with that and he said he didn’t know but I shouldn’t worry my pretty little head about it. Worry? Head? SCENE 2

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The spotlight dissolves to black. DIGBY flutteringly fades from view. Then, the stage lights switch on with a CLUNK and the sounds of trains rumble in the background toward the center stage. The interior of the Long Island Railroad train station at Penn Station, New York, appears as a slide projected against the stage’s bare back wall. Fescue is in front of Digby on the ticket line. Behind Digby is Darius wearing a blue seersucker suit, white shirt and no tie. She has strapped to her back a designer backpack that barks (Digby makes the barking sound).Fescue is now wearing frayed, dirty camouflage fatigue pants and a fatigue shirt circa Vietnam War era. Over the left breast pocket of the fatigue shirt is “U.S. Army” and over the right pocket “Fescue”. On the left side of the fatigue shirt collar are the crossed rifles symbolic of the infantry and on the right side stripes indicating the lowly rank of private first class. Dirty, high-top basketball sneakers adorn his feet. He is counting single dollar bills and coins. He turns, wipes his nose on his sleeve, and looks back at Digby)

FESCUE

(to Digby) A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic. The bartender says “sorry, but we don’t serve mushrooms” and the mushroom says “why not, I’m a funghi”!

(Digby stares in disgust.) You look like you could afford to loan me a buck so I can get to Patchogue. (wipes his nose on his fatigue sleeve) A loan, I’ll pay it back. I’m good for it. Can’t you see it? Can’t you feel it? I’m tellin’ you; I’m good for it. It’s just a loan.

DIGBY (looks up from the book)

Excuse me!

FESCUE (counts money again)

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Make that a dollar fifty. I’m headin’ east, and when I change trains, I’ll be on the train that goes to the end of the line. I’ll be getting off before then, but one day soon, I’ll be headin’ toward the last round up – that last round up in the sky… (pauses and sings) but until then…

(Digby turns her back to Fescue and looks to someone behind her on the line for protection from the rude man)

DIGBY

Can you please ask him to go away?

DARIUS (confidently to Fescue) Sir, please leave her alone.

FESCUE (smiles) You got a buck fifty?

DARIUS (looks confused)

No.

(Fescue moves to the side of the line since he does not have the funds for the ticket)

DARIUS

(engages Digby in conversation) Hi. I’m the noble Darius T. Whiz. Is this where you get tickets for the Hamptons?

DIGBY (nods yes)

Hi. I’m the humble Digby Piran. Thanks for talking to him, stranger. DARIUS You certainly are a hottie. DIGBY Thanks. I often think of myself as the perfect woman. As you may observe, I’m clean, cute

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(points to her turned up nose) not real,

(pause) have a nice body

(points first to her breasts) not real

(turns, and wiggles her butt) real. Some say I have a gymnast’s body,

(does a cartwheel on line) but gymnasts only get to go for the “gold” once every four years. Stranger, would you like to go for my gold? DARIUS (blushes) Sweet, sweet, sweet. Yes! I mean, no. DIGBY Before you say no, you should take into account that my Daddy is very rich. Daddy makes big, big,

(gestures) big bucks making and selling nasty rock and roll CDs to pimply faced suburban kids… one of his favorite groups is Violent Midnight Phlegm. He listens to them all the time and is always pushin’ their CD to retailers. In fact, I think it was their CDs I saw in the trunk of Daddy’s car this morning and Daddy’s driver Tony said I shouldn’t worry my pretty little head about it. DARIUS What? DIGBY Oh, nothing. It’s just Daddy’s driver Tony.

(Changing the subject) I notice you don’t wear any jewelry. No gold necklaces around your neck, no diamond pinkie rings on your finger. DARIUS No, I… DIGBY (Interrupts) Well, I guess that wedding band counts as jewelry. DARIUS (Blushes) Yeah, I guess it does. DIGBY

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See the ring my Daddy bought me when I graduated from high school? It’s a perfectly cut 10-carat diamond set in a perfectly designed 24 carat gold band. It was presented to me on a perfectly hand sewn silk pillow by Tony who often walks three paces behind Daddy. DARUIS Wow. DIGBY Perfect. I wouldn’t trade this ring for all the tea pots in Tiffany’s. DARIUS Some ring. Some ring. Ring a ding ding. DIGBY What are you saying? Are you new to ridin’ the rails?

DARIUS No. About ten years ago I took the train when I lived in King’s Point. Now I almost always drive out in my spankin’ new Persian blue BMW convertible. Except for today. My wife needed the car to go to a meeting of Pessimists Anonymous. (pause) I hope she doesn’t wreck it.

(Digby looks, and then Darius looks at the wedding band on his left hand)

DIGBY Some ring. Some ring. Ring a ding ding.

FESCUE (to Darius)

If you got a new BMW, you got a dollar fifty to give me to help me buy a ticket. If you give it to me, it’ll come back to you in spades. I’ve been put on earth to help people like you. You will get my help before I go.

(speaking philosophically) Cast your cash upon the waters…

DARIUS (interrupts, wants Fescue to go away so he gives him two dollars)

Here.

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FESCUE Here’s your change.

DARIUS Keep it.

FESCUE Thanks. Maybe you got another dollar case I need a Diet Coke? (Darius shakes his head no.) FESCUE (smiles) Caffeine free. You won’t regret it.

DARIUS. Sure I won’t.

FESCUE. (approaches the ticket window and says something in an indecipherable stage whisper to the Ticket Agent who stage whispers something equally unintelligible back to Fescue and nods. Then, Fescue says aloud)

One ticket, one way to Patchogue, please.

TICKET AGENT OK. That’ll be eight dollars even.

FESCUE (counts out eight crumpled dollars and exchanges the money for a ticket)

Here. (points to Digby)

There.

TICKET AGENT (nods again)

Roger and out.

(Fescue grunts and steps to the side)

DARIUS (to Digby)

What’s that book about?

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DIGBY Uh. It’s a self-help book, about daddies who help.

(shows him the book) It’s called “Ten Ways Your Sweet Daddy Can Buy You In To College”. I’m taking a course on self-help books at Purple U. I’m writing a paper on the topic. My paper’s called, “Self Help Books: So Many Books, So Little Help”. For example, there’s a self help book called “Jumping Through The Ages” from how toddlers should get out of mommy and Daddy’s bed (feet first) to swan song swan dives. Who could use a book like that? Speaking of that, have you read the self-help masterpiece “Ventriloquism for Dummies”?

DARIUS No…

(smiles). Any books on how to “celebrate” your 8th wedding anniversary?

DIGBY There’s one about how to

(pauses and scratches herself) scratch a seven year itch.

(Darius smiles) DIGBY

It may be contagious. (approaches the ticket window)

One way, East Hampton, please. (gets her ticket and heads toward the entrance to the tracks, speaking to DARIUS over her shoulder)

See ya.

DARIUS (waves sadly at Digby’s back as she exits then approaches the ticket window)

One way: East Hampton. First Class, please.

TICKET AGENT. There ain’t no First Class, Honey. For over a decade, there ain’t been no First Class. None of those fancy stuffed parlor chairs. No staff waitin’ on you hand and foot. No class, no first class, none… But, for fifteen bucks, off peak, ridin’ in “peak” times is extra, you can have a royal, first class time, fit for the King of Persia

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if when you board the train you sit down, put your feet up, look at the beautiful scenery,

(pause) outside and in SCENE 3

(Black out. With the sound of a loud clunk, slides are projected against the stage’s back wall of Long Island Railroad travel posters from the 1950’s to current: “Ride the Rails with our Horny Commuters,” “Leave the Drivin’ to Us,” “It’s The Railroad To Heaven”, “Our Way is Better Than the Highway,” “The Long Island Railroad, you can set your watch to it,”... Then the CLUNK of the STAGE LIGHTS turning on. The scene is set in the interior of a Long Island Railroad car which is projected on the back wall of the stage. Digby sits on a bench seat. There’s a space next to her. Darius spots her, goes over and sits down next to her)

DARIUS

Hi.

DIGBY Hi.

DARIUS Clean.

DIGBY (blushes)

Thanks.

DARIUS (smiles)

Ten years ago, when I last rode the rails, the trains were cleaner. Now, with government budget cuts, the first thing they eliminate is the disinfectant. Buckets of it. Yellow goopy stuff.

(pauses) Gone.

(smiles) But,

(looks at Digby)

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The more trains change, the more they remain the same. (pause) They go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back…

DIGBY Ok, ok. (pause)Yeah, I love the Hamptons, and occasionally,

(pause) once in a while, goin’ on these trains is fun. You don’t have to strap yourself in. You can get up and walk around.

(pause) See how others live. The lesser ones.

(smiles) DARIUS You mentioned your Daddy. You said he was rich. What specifically makes him so? DIGBY Why, he’s a wealthy American industrialist. DARIUS But we don’t make anything in America. DIGBY A lot of his wealth comes from things made outside of the good ol’ USA but shipped here. He also owns factories that make things here. In fact, a factory that he partly owns makes CDs and DVDs is in Hauppage, Long Island. The plant specializes in producing horror films and violent rock CDs. DARIUS Wow. Wow. Wow. Like printing money. DIGBY Both Tony and my grandDaddy came over from the old country. That meatball packing, sausage stuffing, tarantella dancing…Italy, to be exact. (pause) Tony has certain old country values. Not our values. DARIUS Like what? DIGBY Sexy. DARIUS

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What? DIGBY I mean sexist. He’s part of an old thug network. Speaking of sexy, would you like to see me dance the Tarantella?

(dances her version of old country intensity and new country style)

It’s a dance you can do in the sunlight or in the moonlight. (pause) Speaking of the sun, it was darkened for seconds again today when a fellow Film School student who lived with her father in the Village ran shoeless out of her apartment building shouting to the building super as she ran, ”Don’t tell my father, don’t tell my father!” She ran to the top of this building, took off her top, then her skirt, followed by her bra and lastly her panties. Then she leapt to her death. (pause) She should have known her father would have found out. I wonder why she took her panties off last. (pauses and blinks) DARIUS I don’t what to say about that.

DIGBY I know. I didn’t know her. I saw her once or twice but didn’t really notice her. I know that she would want us to carry on. Dancin’ and doin’ and all. (pause) I see a friend I must, must talk to. Bye. Have a happy 8th anniversary.

DARIUS Digby, wait! Wait! Here’s my card.

DIGBY (reads the card out loud)

Darius T. Whiz, Fartinshower, Whiz and Dump, LLP. Attorney’s at Law, a division of Overcharge Industries, capitalism at its finest, 1776 Broadway, Stalag 17, NY, NY 10019.

DARIUS

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I’m an entertainment lawyer and I do impressions. Here’s my Brando…”Stella! I could have been an unemployed actor”, but instead I took the safer route and act as a lawyer for my clients and bill them for my stellar performances. I do some trial work, defense attorney for those upper class persons accused of “white collar” crimes like stealin’ company pension funds and causing global environmental pollution which affects every breath we breathe. Every batch of cards contains different words of wisdom on the back. It’s like getting a fortune cookie from your lawyer. Turn it over. DIGBY (turns the card over and reads out loud) If you get busted for cookin’ the books, or giving a junior employee sexy looks, tell the coppers nothin’ but to give you a quarter. Call me, and until I get there, hold your water. DARIUS

(throws his hands up and dramatically asks an imaginary court for mercy)

But Your Honor, my corporate client who dumped the PCBs into the mighty Hudson River honestly believed he was doing a good thing. It was the best available information at the time. My wonderful client is sorry and agrees that if the State pays for the clean-up of the dirty, mighty Hudson then my client will donate re-conditioned air conditioners to the overheated prisoner population at Sing Sing.

(returns to normal voice) Entertainment and criminal law, I find that the two specialties go together. Some of the most successful entrepreneurs in the entertainment industry are really criminals at heart… (pause) if not in deed. (again plead to the court) Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury: My client, the legendary writer, producer, actor, director has made films that have made each and every one of you laugh, ha,ha,ha! And cry. Boo hoo hoo! (a thespian’s tear appears in his left eye) Surely, the love you feel for his contribution to your personal happiness will be repaid if only you find him innocent of the fallacious charge of not paying 50 Million greenbacks in federal taxes – like he has it; like those Washington war mongers need it.

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(pauses and looks at Digby) Maybe I can help you with your film projects, keep you out of trouble, get your films in to film festivals

(dramatically pulls a second card from his wallet)

Sundance, Toronto, Cannes… (smiles and looks her body up and down)

With that body, you’d be a big hit in Cannes. DIGBY You’re a dirty man. DARIUS (Smiles) Here, take this card.

DIGBY takes the card and shakes her head

DARIUS

Read the back of this one.

DIGBY “If you are an actor down on your luck, or a waitperson tired of serving l‘orange duck, or even a director with no particular feathers to pluck, call the number on this card during normal business hours and Darius T. Whiz will take your career for a shower”. (pause) Thanks, but my big Daddy’s all the help this little girl needs. What you could do for me pales in comparison. Bye. See you in the Hamptons. Have fun.

(As Digby leaves the car, Fescue lunges down the aisle. Fescue spots Darius, intentionally bangs into him and then sits down next to him. Darius twitches and tries to ignore Fescue as he reads his own self-help book entitled, “Show Business: You Give Them The Show; They Give You The business .” The title flashes on the stage’s back wall)

FESCUE

Thanks again for the two dollars. It made a difference. You care. (pauses again and then returns to rambling) My wife and I were going to celebrate our 8th anniversary on this very train tonight but…

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DARIUS But what? FESCUE Have you heard of the man who thought his marriage was secure, but then he and his wife moved from Philadelphia to San Francisco and when he arrived in San Francisco found he had the same mailman who delivered in Philly?

DARIUS (mumbles)

Sorry about the mailman. FESCUE I bought two beers…

(pulls two 16-ounce cans of Budweiser from a large, dirty, brown paper bag and belches.)

You want hers?

DARIUS (shakes his head)

No thanks.

FESCUE I’m changing at Jamaica and then going on to Patchogue. Patchogue is a pre-Hampton. It’s an hour non-stop from Jamaica to Patchogue. This train stops at Babylon, but doesn’t even touch the Wal-Marts of Jericho. We were going to take that hour to celebrate. That was gonna be our happy hour.

(smiles) Maybe a little nookie on the top deck of one of those double-decker train cars, her on top, feet dangling, hairy butt a thrustin’ (smiles) Sex on a train, even a slow-moving one like this can be fun. Umm. Umm. Ummhh. Sex with her takes me to another planet.

(smiles again) You know, before The War, I was a go-go dancer downtown in a cage in a nightclub. My g-string snapped, I got busted. (makes a “boy-yoy-ding” sound) I pleaded guilty to pubic exposure. It wasn’t a genital offense. The judge accused the prosecution of splitting hairs. (pause)

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The conviction kept me out of college, but it wasn’t severe enough of a crime to keep me from being drafted.

DARIUS (mumbles)

I’m sorry. (returns to his reading)

FESCUE Heh! Where’s that woman who was just sitting next to you?

DARIUS (mumbles)

Sorry. (pauses and looks confused)

What?

FESCUE How well do you know that woman who was just sitting next to you?

DARIUS What?

FESCUE Are you friends? (looks downward) Do you know her father? Did she mention manufacturing CDs and DVDs?

DARIUS

What’s it to you? FESCUE

It’s my job to keep an eye on her.

DARIUS (incredulous)

Who would hire you?

FESCUE (enthusiastically returns to the present, ignoring Darius’s attempts to brush him off)

Then we were gonna move on, take a taxi to the hamlet of Hauppauge. That’s where we live – and live we do! It’s about a forty dollar ride, with tip.

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(DARIUS nods without looking up.) FESCUE

I get my disability check tomorrow from the Veteran’s Administration. It’s a hundred dollars. I’m a disabled Vietnam War Veteran.

(shakes his head) These college kids today… They think Vietnam is a place to go for a good cheap vacation. I went to fight to stop Communism.

(pause) We couldn’t let the Communists take over the world.

(pause) Remember Communism?

(pause) The government told us to be concerned about the domino effect. So we were. If all of Vietnam went Communist, then the rest of the know-nothing countries in Southeast Asia would go Communist, like a row of dominos fallin’,

(pauses and continues in an excited fashion) next Europe would go Communist, and soon they’d all be knocking our white picket fences in Hauppauge town down.

(a slide of Chinese Communist soldiers with sledgehammers knocking down a white picket fence) FESCUE

Well, Vietnam went Communist, and a little over a decade later Eastern Europe and Russia went Capitalist. So much for that damn domino theory! The one thing we learned from the Vietnam War is that we have learned nothing from the Vietnam War. Those “brilliant” men who came up with that domino theory are revered in U.S. history. Some are finishing out their careers wearing white dress shirts and red power ties, as high-priced consultants. It’s a shame. I wonder why so many trust those power persons. They must be appealing to our inner puppet.

(Fescue wrings his hands) I never had a father, not one I could remember. He popped my mom and took off before the morning paper hit the front door steps. So I kinda look at the men in the red power ties as father figures and Bob Hope as the uncle the father figures sent out in to the field to tell us soldiers we were most likely doomed doing their bidding. We the people are the clean pawns in their dirty game. Clean because we honestly believe we’re doing good, even when we may be

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doin’ bad. The muckety-mucks never admit they’re doin’ bad. Right up to the end. They stick to it and ride it out.

DARIUS (mumbles)

Oh, Jesus!

FESCUE He saved me. I prayed to Jesus for the First Cav Med Evac team to come and rescue me, and it did. Thank Jesus for that team. You know, there is no letter “I” in the name Jesus. I’m a lucky son-of-a-bitch.

(Darius starts to twitch.) FESCUE

Played high school football before the war – for the Hauppauge Hogs. Now

(hits leg again and makes the knock on wood sound)

well… (pause)

See this glass eye (points to his right eye).

It would never look at another woman… I sure could use that forty bucks for that cab ride, you won’t regret it.

(A Conductor enters the car. She is played by the same woman who was the ticket agent at Penn Station. Fescue gets up and walks over to Conductor, hands her a note written on a train ticket and returns to his seat)

CONDUCTOR

(with bravado) Next stop: Jamaica! Change here for the train to the Hamptons. Take your belongings with you and watch your step.

(pause) There is a space between the train and the platform.

FESCUE I dreamt once of becoming the FBI’s next major crime fighter, our generation’s Elliot Ness, dressed in a 3-piece, tweed wool suit, totin’ a tommygun, bustin’ in on criminals, catchin’ them in the act, getting’ on the front

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page of the daily gazette for savin’ the day, but the war made me more like a Loch Ness Monster

DARIUS Here’s $40 for your cab trip. Happy Anniversary to you and your fair wife. You’re a real patriot. I hope she doesn’t bail. And yes, this is a good country, no (pause) make that a great country.

(pause) Now I’ve got some reading to do on the train; some briefs, legal digests, sundry documents… so, if you could find a seat somewhere else, I’d appreciate it.

FESCUE Sure, thanks. No offense... you really understand my plight. Can I have your card? I’ll mail you your forty bucks back when my V.A. check clears the Hauppauge Bank of Trust.

DARIUS Fresh out of cards, at least the ones with advice for your kind.

(pause) That’s all right. It’s not necessary. The cab ride’s on me… Happy anniversary…

(pause) to you and your lovely bride…

(pauses and continues as if he now almost believes FESCUE’s story)

You know, I always wanted to be an FBI agent.

FESCUE (nods and continues in a voice more serious)

Listen! You can start here and now. For your own country. That great country you spoke of. If you see that young woman again, keep track of her movements. No movement is unimportant.

(writes on a piece of paper) Here’s my pager number. I’m free-lance now, a Lone Ranger. If I come up with something, they look into it. If I come up with something, maybe they throw me an extra hundred. There could be something in that hundred for you. (tries to hand the slip of paper to DARIUS who

rejects it)

DARIUS

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What could you possibly come up with? SCENE 4 (The stage darkens slowly. The conductor’s voice is heard in the darkness saying next stop, Babylon. The announcement is repeated once in several languages, all spoken on top of each other. Slowly, the lights come back up to reveal a slide projection of a double-decker train. Benches are the only non-projected element. The people on the bottom level of bench chairs are blow-up dolls, all dressed in Hampton chic clothing. The car is completely full. Sound and lighting signify the train’s movement. No empty seats.) (Digby is seated next to the restroom. She opens her designer bag, and out pops her little designer dog, a miniature poodle. The dog is a stuffed puppet. Bill, a tall, handsome lad in his mid-twenties, sits across from Digby. He is attracted to Digby and starts an awkward conversation.)

BILL Hey. Haven’t we met? (pause) Aren’t you? (he stops and changes the subject) Isn’t having a dog on this train illegal?

DIGBY (annoyed)

Hey! No, we haven’t met and chill, dude. I’ll put the dog back in the bag when I see the conductor headin’ down the aisle. The worst thing they can do to me is throw me off at Patchogue.

BILL What’s his name?

DIGBY Giuseppe, first name of that opera dude, Verdi.

BILL What do you call him for short?

DIGBY Seppe.

BILL

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(trying to be engaging) How old is Seppe?

DIGBY Four.

BILL I had a dog like that. He only lived ‘til he was five. That breed doesn’t live long.

DIGBY (snaps)

Asshole.

BILL Just stopped breathing one day.

DIGBY (puts her hands over her ears)

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

BILL (unperturbed)

Where’s the bar car. I’ve already had a rough trip. I need a drink. Can I buy you one?

(Digby glares in silence. Bill gets up to leave. Bill looks over to Digby.)

BILL

Can I make amends for my poopy behavior by getting you some free CDs?

DIGBY (looks warily interested) How can you do that? Do you own a record company?

BILL (pause)

Better than that. Much better.

DIGBY Do you own a record store?

(points out the window) Like Tower Records in Babylon?

BILL

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Much, much better.

DIGBY (sarcastically)

There’s nothing better than that. (pause)

Forget it.

BILL Is too.

DIGBY Is not.

BILL Is too. It’s the source, the Euphrates of music. I can make a CD appear as if by magic on a loading dock, off a truck and disappear into the trunk of a vehicle. Here, take this data disc and give it to your father. You must give him the data disc as soon as you see him. DIGBY Ok. But why…? Who are you…? (Digby’s cell phone rings. Bill doesn’t respond and heads to the back of the train car. She picks it up.)

DIGBY Hi Daddy. I’m on the train. I’ll see you soon. Are you at home? No. (pause) In a cornfield north of the highway near East Hampton. (Digby repeats what her father is saying) You’re using a disposable cell phone so no one can phone you? What? (stares in disbelief) Got to go. Bye.

(Lucianna, a Brazilian woman in her early 30s, holds her 2–year old daughter in her arms. The daughter, Astrid, is dressed just like her Mom, but Astrid is a puppet. Lucianna and Astrid wait on line to use the restroom. Lucianna holds the latest model Pamper in one hand and a large tube of diaper rash ointment in the other.)

LUCIANNA

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(mutters under her breath) Uh! Diarrhea again, merda!

ASTRID Mommy! Mommy! Throw me up and catch me.

LUCIANNA Not now. Let’s get your little tushie cleaned up first. I want to make a clean catch, not a caca one.

ASTRID No. No! I want to fly… NOW!

DIGBY (to Astrid)

I think your mom’s right.

LUCIANNA (to Digby)

Who asked you, prostituta?

DIGBY Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

(scowls) Just tryin’ to be helpful. Who do you think you are, anyway, the Queen of Romania?

LUCIANNA Cadela!

(Lucianna stares at Digby then squats and sings a ladainha, a ritual song of the commencement of the Brazilian fighting technique known as capoeira. Digby stares back, setting her body in a Tai-Chi pose.)

DIGBY

I took Tai-Chi as my required gym class at Purple U.

(Lucianna laughs scornfully.) LUCIANNA I’ll kick your skinny ass all over this train. DIGBY Just you try.

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(Lucianna and Astrid enter the restroom.) CONDUCTOR

(hands a train schedule to Fescue as she walks) Get your latest train schedule, hot off the presses. You can’t tell when, or for that matter where, you’re goin’ without one.

FESCUE (quickly studies the schedule, which has some handwritten words in the margins, observes Digby and then whispers in the conductor’s ear)

(There is a lot of banging and yelling as Astrid fights the Pamper change. Then we hear the toilet flush. Lucianna and Astrid leave the restroom.)

ASTRID

(to Lucianna) Mommy throw me up and catch me

(pause) now!!!

LUCIANNA (in a whisper)

Tonight Uncle Daniel will toss you around. He loves to toss people around. He’s trying to toss me over. He’s making a grand mistake. I thought he loved discos, dreamed discos, breathed discos. I thought he loved Rio, dreamed Rio,

(coughs) breathed Rio, wanted to live in Rio

(pause) with me.

ASTRID Oh goody, goody! Daniel is so big and strong.

LUCIANNA Well, big anyway. I doubt he could lift his weight in dreams.

ASTRID Oh goody, goody!

LUCIANNA

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And tonight I am going to meet his daughter. I’ve heard so much about her – over and over, over and over. She’s so pretty, so smart, so young.

(pause. Now in a catty tone) So pretty, so smart, so young.

(pause) So,…

ASTRID Oh goody, goody!

LUCIANNA Over and over and… (pause) I oughta kick her skinny ass out of town. Get rid of her. Then, there would just be me and him…

(Lucianna and Astrid return to their seats as Darius enters the train car.)

DIGBY

Sorry. It must be tough on an older guy like you to have to stand ‘til at least Patchogue. My Daddy has Tony to drive his car. Tony is a clean man although he was very mysterious about those CDs in Daddy’s trunk. He looks at me funny sometimes. Like maybe he wants to do it with me. Maybe he’s just being over protective.

DARIUS Do you ever wonder what the people who live in the towns between New York City and the Hamptons do for fun? DIGBY (still shaken) No. I can’t imagine that. Just like I can’t imagine being poor. My imagination doesn’t work that way. I try, as an actor, to think of what it would be like if I were a developing woman in a developing country with bad things happening to her. I just draw a blank. There’s nothing like being in the back seat of a class car driven by a pro. My teensy, firm tushie feels so good on that perfectly shaped rear Corinthian leather seat. I’ll ride back with Daddy and Tony on Sunday.

(Darius turns away from Digby, dejected. He goes online with his Blackberry. Darius, using his

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thumbs, sends a message to someone via his Blackberry)

DIGBY A good use for your cute thumbs. Who are you emailing? DARIUS My wife. They took a pee break at Pessimists Anonymous. She used the break to email me that there was no hope for our marriage. A lost cause. Wanted to be with her own kind. DIGBY What’s her kind? DARIUS Other pessimists. She said I was a tacky-eyed optimist, trying to live the indefinable American dream. She’s surrounded by the happily unhappy. As an optimist I can’t believe it’s over, but as a realist I know it is. I was gonna go fishing while out in the Hamptons and bring her back a flounder. Its her favorite name for a fish. But she won’t be home when I get back. She’s swum away.

(The lights above Digby and Darius gently fade and slowly turn up over the back part of the train car. Lucianna, Astrid and Bill are seated.)

LUCIANNA

(puts down her copy of the worldwide best seller “Ventriloquism for Dummies” and speaks, at first, in a phony, high-pitched ventriloquist voice, to Bill)

I told you it was just a business transaction. (embarrassed, she switches to her normal voice)

Nothing more, but definitely nothing less. You’re too young for me.

(Bill starts to speak but Lucianna reaches over Astrid and puts her forefinger to his lips. Bill tries to kiss the finger, but Lucianna pulls it away.)

LUCIANNA

I know a relationship with you would be fun. Fast cars, fine foods. Great vintage champagne.

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(A slide of the “good life” flashes up on the back wall of the stage) LUCIANNA

But, it’s not going to work for me. Sex with you is fun, but

(looks at Astrid) she’s a handful, and I need someone who’s going to be with us night

(pauses) and day.

BILL (again starts to speak)

But sweetie pie…

LUCIANNA Shhh! Sileñcio. Sure you have a nice butt, (pause) but I grew up in the streets of Rio. I scratched, kicked, and loved my way out of there. I want a nice life for me and her. It’s too bad I couldn’t sing back then in Rio. Maybe I wouldn’t have had to…

(The sound of a train horn obliterates the rest of Lucianna’s animated words.)

BILL

(looks shocked at what Lucianna has just said and somewhat hesitantly speaks)

But honey, I’ll always be there for you.

LUCIANNA Sure. Sure. Sure.

(pause) That’s what her real Daddy said – just before he left for Carnaval.

(sighs) Never saw that caballero again. Filho da puta! If I saw him again, it would have been the last time he would see. I would have taken his pretty head and … (Another train whistle obliterates Lucianna’s

speech)

BILL (stunned) Wow.

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(pause) I’m not like… LUCIANNA (interrupts) How do you know? You’re spoiled. You’re rich. You don’t know. My sugar Daddy grew up poor - on the streets of Brooklyn, in a neighborhood, like the neighborhood I grew up in Rio (pause) but without the angry stray cats. (she growls) He once told me that in the summer after supper, he and his friends would get together and play stoop ball. (wistfully) They would take turns throwin’ the ball against the stoop of one of their attached houses until someone would win. I forget how they’d win. Then, they’d sit on the stoop and talk about baseball. They’d talk about the future and then, when the street lights came on, they’d each get up off the stoop, say good night to each other and go quietly home. (a series of slides depicts the action) They respected their parents’ authority and just said “good night” and went home. Now my man is rich because of his own brains and balls and maybe something he learned on that stoop in Brooklyn. (pause) He said he was gonna leave this fast-paced, cruel world and move to Rio with me, (pauses and continues wistfully) Maybe I moved too fast on that. Merda. I misjudged his connection to here, to the neighborhood, to his past. He has always been nice to me (pause) But it’s too late to stop things put in motion. There will be commotion.

(Bill, overwhelmed, shakes his head but says nothing. He gets up and heads to the front of the car.) (Fescue and Conductor walk down the aisle together)

FESCUE Let’s duck into the lavatory.

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CONDUCTOR Has it been debugged? FESCUE Now with the government budget cuts, the first thing they eliminated is the disinfectant. Buckets of it. Yellow, goopy stuff. CONDUCTOR Never mind, listen. They put me in charge of this operation. My mother would have been so proud of me being in charge. She was a cook and a good singer who wanted to sing on Broadway, wanted to be the black Ethel Merman starring in Annie Get Your Gun. But in that era, that was not possible. In this era more is possible, but I digress. Someone is defrauding the wonderful show business industry of millions. We need your help to solve this one. And if you do, then the Agency will make it up to you for the Army reneging on its promise to send you to Europe and instead sending you to Danang. FESCUE How will they do that? CONDUCTOR They will give you your choice of your final assignment. FESCUE No. CONDUCTOR Yeah. Honest. You pick it. Wherever, and they will send you there, courtesy of the great American tax payers. But you gotta help get this thing solved or else you are toast. FESCUE Anywhere. CONDUCTOR Anywhere. Now tell me Mr. Undercover guy, what did you find out? FESCUE Well, did you know that it takes longer to get to the Hamptons by train today than it did in 1927?

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CONDUCTOR No, why? FESCUE More towns, more stops, more crime scenes. CONDUCTOR Okay. But what’s gonna happen crime-wise on this train tonight? FESCUE There are at least two suspects on this train. They don’t know each other but one knows who the other is and the other doesn’t know who the other is. There may be a data transfer. CONDUCTOR Have you ever dove into a swimming pool with no water in it? FESCUE No. CONDUCTOR You should try it. FESCUE(Smiles) Then there’s Tony, Daddy’s driver. He may also be involved. We’ve surveilled him and now I’m talking to him. CONDUCTOR He looks like such a sweet man, like mozzarella wouldn’t melt in his mouth. FESCUE That’s what you think. We have reason to believe that Tony has got a crush on Digby and wants to impress her with some money. He is old school, he won’t tell her and she doesn’t realize it. There’s a large space between the front seat and the back of that car. Maybe he’s with Daddy or maybe he’s against him in this multi-million dollar scheme. CONDUCTOR What else you got? FESCUE

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Here, listen! (Fescue pulls an old earpiece out of his fatigue shirt pocket.) I taped a conversation. Here (pauses) listen. We didn’t get who was talking. (a voice is heard through the earpiece) BILL Yeah, Tony? Put the brigole in the trunk. El Capitan never looks in the trunk or under the hood for that matter. He leaves it all to you. (pause) Remember the brigole? It’s a southern Italian pork sausage product cut with parsley, twisted like your intestines and cooked on your grill in the Hamptons. CONDUCTOR You’re crazier than a bed bug. How does this help solve things? FESCUE Brigole is a code word. CONDUCTOR For what? FESCUE Maybe CDs. CONDUCTOR Maybe not. By the way, isn’t this lovely? I can’t wait to tell my boyfriend that you and I share quality potty time together. FESCUE Did anyone see us go in? CONDUCTOR Why don’t you go out and ask? Now did Daddy do it or Tony or did they do it together? Or is there someone else?

(pause) Do they have records? FESCUE They were CDs. CONDUCTOR I mean criminal records.

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FESCUE Flush it. CONDUCTOR What? FESCUE Make believe we did our business.

(Flushes the toilet, hear the sounds of the toilet backing up- gurgle, gurgle, splash)

What’s that floating to the surface? CONDUCTOR Looks like caca to me. Ugh, it’s backing up. FESCUE I don’t know exactly what it is but it may be a clue. You know, I’ve written my own self help book called “Fecal Matters: A Seat of The Pants Guide to Forensics”. CONDUCTOR What? FESCUE It’s unpublished. I’ve tried everything to get it published, including skywriting. In between, it looks like a (pause) check. CONDUCTOR Check? FESCUE I got a doggie bag and some rubber gloves. Let me put on the rubber gloves, put that check in the doggie bag and have forensics run a trace on it. CONDUCTOR Who would put a check down a toilet?

(Fescue and conductor leave the bathroom to some strange looks)

CONDUCTOR Tickets, please! It costs extra if you gotta buy ’em from me so next time get em’ at the station. Avoid the surcharge. The next stop is Babylon.

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DARIUS (in a stage whisper)

There’s something strange going on between that certified goofball and the conductor. I don’t know what it is. What is it? (sniffs at Fescue) Something’s rotten in the State of Long Island.

CONDUCTOR (nods affirmatively and continues walking down the aisle)

Tickets! All tickets, please.

(Digby sees the conductor and stuffs Seppe into the designer doggy bag. Seppe growls and Digby grunts loudly to cover up Seppe’s growling. Darius stands next to Digby, protectively. The conductor punches Digby’s ticket, nods, and moves on.)

DARIUS

That was close.

DIGBY Yeah. What was she gonna do? Throw me off at Patchogue? Just one call and Tony would pick me up. There’s nothing to worry about. Everything will remain perfect. Daddy has a date tonight with some Brazilian bombshell half his age, God bless him. He’s gonna introduce her to me tonight. I’m a little nervous. She’s supposed to be so beautiful, so exotic, so wise to the world

(pause) so beautiful, so exotic, so wise to the world, so

(stops abruptly). He’s becoming a little suspicious of her, something about a disco gone terribly wrong. Maybe she’s a little tougher than he can handle. Then, he’s gonna take her to a black tie dinner for rich Purple U alumns at the Maidstone Club to announce the donation of a gigantic loft he has in the Village to the Purple U Music Department for the study of the History of Violence in Rock music. Daddy loves violent rock so much.

(pause) They didn’t have it when he was a kid. He was poor and couldn’t afford to buy records. He was so deprived. His

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mom was a housewife, and his dad sold Italian ices on the street.

(switches to a manly voice) Ices! Cherry, lemon, and orange. Delicious ices. How about it?

(returns to normal voice) His mom preached that education would lead him out of poorness.

(pauses and looks around) His mom would often tell him to keep an eye out for new opportunities that were opening up for people who weren’t born rich. Opportunities to run businesses that didn’t even exist before.

(pause) His momma made him strong. His Daddy had no money to give him. I can’t imagine.

(pause) No money from your Daddy!

(shakes her head) I can’t imagine.

Darius nods in silence. He shakes his head and starts to walk down the aisle in search of a seat. Digby’s cell phone, attached to a holder on her skirt, rings. The ring tone is Elvis singing “Love Me Tender.” She takes it out of her designer handbag and speaks.

DIGBY

Hello, Tony! How’s Daddy’s little girl’s favorite chauffeur? You are such a clean man! At least, I hope you are. You know I still haven’t met any boys who are as clean as you.

(smiles and then shudders) What?

(almost drops the phone) What?

(pause) My father got caught doing what? Selling “cleans”?

(shrill) What? They opened his trunk and found “cleans”? What are cleans?

(a silence as she listens) What? CDs and DVDs that are secretly sold for cash out the back door of the manufacturing plant as if they were never made in the first place?! They arrested him and put him in

33

the East Hampton jail? They took his shoe laces away ‘cause they thought he might hang himself. Hang himself?

(utters a frozen laugh) He’s a tough guy. They won’t break him.

(pause) He’s in jail, in East Hampton? Oh my god. Oh my god. In jail! Not perfect. Not perfect.

(She looks at Darius who pretends to be looking for a seat and then looks down at his card to recall his name).

Darius, Darius! Wait! (pause)

I may need you after all. Wait. Wait!

CONDUCTOR (whispering to Fescue)

Our fellow clean team members made Daddy the first bust. Go team. You know, there’s no letter “I” in the word clean. Let the chips fall where they’re gonna fall.

FESCUE

Digby apparently didn’t know anything about the cleans. She appeared to be shocked. Maybe she was fakin’ it, but I don’t think she’s that good an actress, despite her high-priced film school training.

(pause) Maybe her Daddy’s clean! Maybe he isn’t. He owns borderline businesses. He knows a lot of the wrong people. I don’t have a clean vibe. (shakes his head) Something’s not right. I think there are still others to surveil in this dirty little game in this veil of tears.

(Black out.) SCENE 5

A spotlight shines on the back wall of the stage and on Digby, dressed the same way as before but her eye shadow is smeared, and she is a little less confident, but still spunky. The spotlight evolves into flashlight as Digby goes to back center stage, picks up a shovel and starts to dig in the middle of a gigantic, manicured, Hampton-perfect back yard. Seppe is behind her. He’s digging, too. Digby digs and digs. She grunts each time the shovel hits the

34

earth. Digby pauses, wipes the sweat from her brow, and pats her tight tushie.)

DIGBY

My Daddy’s been busted. And they froze his assets. (pats her tushie again)

That’s what Daddy’s loyal accountant said. He can’t pay my bills. I called him and that’s what he said. I don’t even know what those bills are. The government froze his assets. Said he was a threat to leave the country. Take the money and flee to Brazil. Start a new life without me. So they

(pats her butt) froze his assets. I can’t get a penny out of his checking account, savings account, mutual funds, bonds, stocks, annuities, off-shore accounts, whatever and I need money to live and I need it now. I can’t even get into the house in the Hamptons. They’ve got it taped off, yellow tape everywhere. How color deficient.

(pauses) Crime scene tape. I had to wait until there weren’t any detectives around to even get into our yard! Now I’m digging for my supper. So below perfect it’s insane.

(returns to digging) He told me it would be here if I needed it

(grunt) if he was in trouble or I was in trouble, I could dig it up, just dig it up.

(grunt) Just walk seven paces from the old weeping cherry tree, he said. Well, it is seven paces from the weeping cherry tree to here.

(looks up toward the weeping cherry and continues to dig. Seppe is fervently following her lead. She throws down the shovel and swears)

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! (pause)

I’ve dug a god damned circle around that fucking weeping cherry tree and nothing, not a cent, not a hint of it, nothing. I’m fucked. My Daddy’s let me down. How could he? How could this be? This is way far from perfect. He’s always been there for me. He’s helped me pick boyfriends, get rid of boyfriends, deal with my mom, build me a dollhouse. On his desk at his office he has pictures of me from my first step to my first date.

DIGBY

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Now. Daddy’s left me to fend for myself. I don’t believe it. I have to deal on my own. I’m not prepared for this. Fuck! This isn’t fair. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! Way less than perfect. (Digby’s tone of voice becomes one of quiet rage

and desperation) DIGBY Maybe my Daddy hid the money in the crook of a branch at the top of the cherry tree, at the top, not under. I’ll climb up here and get a jump on things. I’ll see if the money is here. Is there something here for me? No. The sky is abandoning me. Daddy is… (Digby takes off her shoes and throws them

defiantly to the earth. Digby looks around and spots an extension ladder leaning against the stage wall. She places it up against the old weeping cherry tree and begins to climb. When she gets to the sixth rung, she reaches under her skirt, pulls off her panties and throws them to the ground. She climbs three more rungs and removes her shirt. Her breasts are covered by a skimpy bra.)

DIGBY Tell my Daddy I took my panties off first then my top and that he let me down the hard way, no money, selling cleans, in jail, fuck, federal case, useless accountant, not creative, no money, on shore, off shore, below the tree, above the tree, abandoned. (Digby is about to remove her bra when the cell phone,

attached to her skirt, rings. “Love Me Tender “ plays as the ring tone. She is confused but decides to answer it.)

DIGBY What? FESCUE You know, a cat has nine lives but a bullfrog croaks every night. DIGBY What? FESCUE

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I am here to help people. I believe your father may be clean. I want you to know that. There are others.

(Fescue hangs up. Digby shakes her head in disbelief.)

DIGBY (Shouts)

I don’t believe you! I don’t believe you! In the book “Jumping through the Ages” Chapter 7 entitled “Not high enough,” says try a swan dive for your swan song. (pause) Tell my Daddy! The ladder falls and makes a thud sound. Then, black

out. ACT II SCENE 1

FESCUE (In darkness)

When I was a kid, I had polio and while the other kids ran and played, I sat in the window of my mother’s aluminum sided house and memorized the license plates of the passing cars. At my peak, I could recite the last hundred cars’ license plates in the order that I saw them. I can still do it now. Why I could even do it on Mars. I don’t know what I would memorize there, but I am certain they would think of something. Do you know that a Martian solar day is called a sol and is twenty-four hours, thirty-nine minutes and thirty-five seconds long? What a planet! (pause) On this planet and in this second act, I must help solve this crime or I will not get my dream assignment and I will get shown the door. I’m dealing with Daniel (good guy, bad guy?), Tony (light weight, heavy hitter?). And what about Digby and her relationship with Daniel. They say money can’t buy you love, but it sure puts you in a great bargaining position. Here’s Daniel’s bargaining position was severely undercut when the government froze his assets. With Digby’s good life in suspension, will her life be ended? Has Digby, fairest and spoilest of them all come to the foulest of endings? SCENE 2

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Lights slowly, wobbly come up on a jail cell with steel bars depicted by lights from the ceiling to the floor. Daniel is standing up in the cell. He is wearing very expensive yet disheveled clothes. He is a heavy, crude, barrel-chested man. Other prisoners, dressed in lion’s garb, all in for drunk and disorderly conduct, are in the cell with Daniel. They are all passed out. In fact, they are, after all, just dummies. We hear them snore, belch, and fart, but they are dummies. Three of them have bandages on parts of their bodies. Daniel is rubbing his eyes as if awakening from a deep sleep.

DANIEL (to himself) I must have dozed off I dreamt that Digby, arms outspread, was flying here to see me. But then I realized that she was taking the train. I hope she’s ok. Those train rides can be rough. Then I dreamt of Lucianna, dancing in the moonlight wearing a lemon, cherry and orange bikini. She looked so beautiful in the moonlight.

(We see Lucianna behind screen dancing the samba across the stage)

I don’t like being stuck behind bars (pause)

with all these animals. And this place is so dirty, filled with vermin. Look at those two cockroaches racing up the wall. How disgusting? A dollar says the one on the left wins. Last night I was supposed to take Lucianna to the Maidstone Club and turn over the keys of my loft in the Village to Purple U. I was gonna give them those Violent Midnight Phlegm CD’s. How could this happen to me? Haven’t I lived the good life? Haven’t I been a good son and father? Haven’t I given Digby everything she wants. Haven’t I kept the faith? Didn’t I wash behind my ears? Didn’t I listen to and respect my teachers? They taught me that the world was round

(pause) and just,

(pause) and I believed them. I also dreamt of my father, Luigi. He is no longer with us, that seller of ices to the tens and twenties. Ok, maybe he ran a little numbers game on the side, you know, to supplement his meager income. And maybe when I was a teen, I helped him collect his bad debts. I was a big teen. But this, I wasn’t prepared for this. I wonder if Digby will come visit?

38

The lights dim upwards and there stands a shaken and disheveled Digby

DIGBY

(nervously) How’s my Daddy? You’re a fighter, Daddy, and you’ll get out of this. But tell me something, how did you get into this? DANIEL I’m just great schnookems, never been better. DIGBY Here’s a data disc DANIEL What? DIGBY Some guy on the train last night told me to give this disc to you. (pause) So, what are you doing in here? DANIEL I must have been set up, ‘cause I didn’t do it. I just finished callin’ my bookie and placin’ a big bet on the Little League World Series when they nabbed me. Things usually don’t, but this did, take me by surprise. Sorry you have to see me here. Did you happen to catch the score of the Little League World Series championship game? Bangladesh vs. Santa Barbara?

DIGBY No. I am shocked by this. I had no preparation whatsoever. None whatsoever. I thought jail in the Hamptons would be way better than this.

(shakes her head) I don’t see any Evian, no Dreesen’s doughnuts, no Starbucks to give you a little lift.

DANIEL (emotionally distant) Can you get me a lawyer?

DIGBY

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(friendly but also emotionally distant) Sure, Daddy. Who?

DANIEL Well, I don’t know. Mine’s in the slammer, something to do with tax fraud.

DIGBY You know, I met this entertainment lawyer on the train last night. He does some white collar criminal litigation, too. He seemed like a nice guy.

(wistfully) Older, but nice. Married, but nice. He said he would help.

DANIEL Maybe he can do my life’s story, but maybe he can also put together a team, you know, like OJ did: one to do my life story and one to make sure I don’t do life!

DIGBY I’ll give him a call.

(pulls out his card) I’ll talk to him, but what are we going to pay him with?

DANIEL What do you mean?

DIGBY Daddy, I talked to your faithful accountant. He told me that the federal government has frozen

(looks back but doesn’t spank her tush) your assets.

(pause) Frozen!

DANIEL No.

DIGBY Yes.

DANIEL Why?

DIGBY (with a nervous giggle)

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They think you are a threat to leave the country. (laughs, nervously) Imagine that. Leave the country. Why, it’s enough to make your little girl jumpy.

(pauses to build up courage before she continues) Were you planning to abandon me and go to Brazil with Lucianna?

DANIEL I would never abandon you, Schnookems.

DIGBY (pacing)

Daddy, were you going to go to Brazil with Lucianna?

DANIEL (looking straight into Digby’s eyes)

We were talking about it, but I would never abandon you. I’m not going to Brazil. Even when they thaw my assets, I’m staying here

(pause) with you.

DIGBY Well, when I found out that they froze your assets, I went to the back yard, and I dug, and I dug. Even little Seppe dug. I dug until my white cotton panties were dirty,

(pause while a visual of Digby’s dirty white panties flashes on the back wall) DIGBY

I even climbed up the tree in case you gave me dyslexic directions, and I still came up with nothing. What happened to that cash you said would always be there if I needed it? How could you?

DANIEL Good ole Seppe…

(smiles) So much for Daddy’s promises, Schnookems. That money is gone. Daddy has had three, big financial setbacks. I never told you about them before because I didn’t want you to worry. I guess I owe you an explanation now. The first,

(pauses, now almost in tears)

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remember when you were twelve, and for your birthday I took you and two of your girlfriends to Italy

(pause) and we had tea and gelato with the Pope? I liked the gelato so much, and it reminded me of my father’s Italian ices,

(pauses and imitates his dad’s voice) cherry, lemon, orange, (pause) cherry, lemon, orange. How about it? (pauses and returns to his own voice) So, I bought the gelato company. Well, the company’s just gone bust. I’m out many, many mil. The fat-free, sugar-free, Vegan-style gelato recipe my chef came up with was one for disaster. The people must have their fat! The second one

(pause) remember when you were a freshman, and you studied the history of royalty in Europe in the 1920’s and compared it to today’s pop American royalty? You thought Queen Marie of Romania was the coolest person ever, even cooler than today’s pop stars. Well, I was so inspired by your feelings for the queen that I became the publisher of a royalty girlie magazine. Well, we got some libel law suits to defend, and one special suit from a group of heirs that claimed we didn’t have permission to print centerfold nude pictures of your idol, Queen Marie, taken when she was a teenager at Eastwell House in Kent, England, and, well, we had to fold.

(A naked young queen’s photo flashes on the back wall of the jail cell)

DIGBY

How could you, Daddy? How could you be involved with such trash?

DANIEL It was like printing money. I hoped to never have to tell you about it. I’m sorry this has hurt you. I wanted you always to have everything.

DIGBY (stunned)

I know, Daddy. I know.

DANIEL

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And, then, the two mil I invested in the disco that Lucianna is opening in Rio. Well, she came back to me for more money

(pause) said costs had escalated. The workers threatened to walk-out huba de hubada. All hell was gonna break loose. Last month, I put my foot down.

(pause) I said no to her – no more money, and I wasn’t going to Brazil with her.

(pause) Digby, you need to find me a lawyer and get me out of here. Then go to the manufacturing plant in Hauppauge where we make the CD’s and DVD’s. Speak to my good partner Bill. He should have the manufacturing records that will help clear my very good name.

(pause) We have to be careful with Daddy’s money now, until I get out of this mess and make much, much more. DIGBY Oh Daddy! And why was it that Tony was the one to call me about your arrest? DANIEL Tony was with me while I had my meeting with the boys. Then he said he had to go to the pork store near the train station to pick up something. the next think I know, I was busted. How did he know to call you?

DIGBY (confused) Oh, Daddy, I hate you and I love you, and overall, I love you much more than I hate you. I hope Bill will be able to help.

DANIEL He better,

(glares, then smiles) or there’ll be a price to pay. I love you, Schnookems, unconditionally.

(Digby exits. The lights fade on the cell bars. We hear the clank of the closing of the prison door and then a rustling amongst the pile of snoozing dummies. One of the dummies moves. He is awake. He is Fescue.)

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FESCUE Give me that disc. I have reason to believe that it’s related to the crime that you are alleged to have committed.

(Daniel and he scuffle over it. Fescue pulls out a badge)

(Daniel quietly hands him the disc. The prison door opens. Fescue walks out and the prison doors close again on Daniel)

SCENE 3

(Lights fade up on the interior of a drab law office conference room which looks similar to the prison cell which holds Daniel. In fact, it’s the same set. Darius is seated across from Digby. They each have a paper container of coffee that they are sipping. Darius is wearing a dark wool suit, white shirt, bow tie, suspenders, and steel rimmed eyeglasses like the prosecutors wore in those black and white 40’s James Cagney cops and robbers movies. His desk is old style cheap metal. On top of the desk is a plastic name sign which reads, Franz Kafka, Esq. The stage lighting makes everything look black and white.)

DARIUS

(to Digby, imitating Cagney) Dolly, every dame thinks her Daddy’s innocent, see. It’s a theme throughout history, see, dating back to the Old Testament. So, don’t do that weepy peepers routine on me. It don’t play well here. Maybe in Des Moines, but not here in this fast town. You can’t pull the wool over my eyes, see.

DIGBY (stunned)

What?

DARIUS (smiles)

That was my Jimmy Cagney imitation. How did you like it?

DIGBY

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You scared the shit out of me. (pauses and continues, doing her own imitation) Then I realized you were only acting, see.

DARIUS Say doll face, a dame once gave me a lucky charm. Was supposed to protect me from evil. I had to deep six it because the phone stopped ringing; no business, and then you walked through the door. DIGBY I know Daddy is innocent, I’ll prove it with your help or not.

DARIUS With my help, of course.

(resumes Cagney accent) Now my fair lassie. What’s your good father charged with?

DIGBY Theft, copyright infringement… racketeering, interstate hijinks, resisting arrest, spitting, zig-zagging, disobeying the sacred law of the crosswalk,

(pause) whatever.

DARIUS Tell me more. Tell me more.

DIGBY (sighs)

He’s accused of selling “cleans,” copies “off the back of the truck” as it were, so to speak, for cash, therefore defrauding our wonderful entertainment industry out of money.

DARIUS (still in the Cagney mode)

Why that dirty rat!

DIGBY Shut up, shut up, shut up!

DARIUS (voice back to normal)

Sorry. Sometimes I get carried away.

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DIGBY Please. Act your age, you dirty man.

DARIUS Sorry, I will. Let’s get the facts out on the table. Is your Daddy in any financial trouble that might have caused him to be considered a suspect in a crime that we know he did not commit?

DIGBY (looks at Darius with new found respect)

Well, he had several business reversals lately. (pause)

Then there’s his Brazilian bombshell girlfriend who’s making big moves on Daddy, got him to invest in a disco in Rio.

DARIUS Bombshell… speaking of that

(pause and looking at DIGBY continues) you look pretty hot.

DIGBY (fluttering her eyelashes)

Why, thank you, you dirty man.

DARIUS How’s the disco doing?

DIGBY Hasn’t opened yet

(pause) and she came back to Daddy for more money to pay off the unions, to upgrade the dancer’s g-strings.

(A slide flashes on back wall of Brazilian dancers, men and women wearing rhinestones g-strings)

DARIUS

What did Daddy say?

DIGBY He said no. Something about pouring good money after bad. She wasn’t happy, not even close to being happy with that news. In fact, she poured a caipiriñha on his five thousand dollar suit.

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DARIUS

A what?

DIGBY A Brazilian beverage made of sugar cane, liquor, limes, soda water, and refined sugar.

DARIUS She’s intense.

DIGBY Uuhh yeah. Good thing Daddy has a good cleaner to eliminate the passion from the suit.

DARIUS (to Digby)

Would you like to go out for a drink after this meeting?

DIGBY I could sure use one. This has been very tough for me. It’ll take time for me to figure it out.

DARIUS I have time. If you need a shoulder to cry on, I’ll be that shoulder.

DIGBY Thank you. DARIUS I trust you to get my retainer, so I’m on the case. Find a way to raise the money and I’ll get him out on bail. And meanwhile, I want you to know that I’ll be going through the motions

(pause) to dismiss, of course. I want your father to be impressed by my skills on his behalf. It could lead to more business. Maybe he’ll want to invest in a movie I want to produce about his life.

DIGBY Stay focused! Okay.

(looks at Darius) And, about that drink, counselor…

(pause) I think we should wait ‘til after Daddy’s trial and

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(pauses again) after your divorce trial, you dirty man.

(Darius frowns and fades from view.)

SCENE 4 (Lights fade up on the manufacturing plant in Hauppauge. On the back wall there is a slide show of the steps in making the CD’s, FESCUE sweeps the stage floor. BILL has headphones on, listening to a CD on his CD Walkman. DIGBY enters and approaches BILL.)

DIGBY

(serious) Bill? You look familiar…

(recognition) Didn’t we meet on the train last night?

BILL (removes headset)

Yeah. Sorry I was such an asshole.

DIGBY I know

(pause) you can’t help it.

BILL Yeah. I guess you’re right. When I see a beautiful woman, I lose it. I should just be cool.

DIGBY (smiles)

Daddy sent me to see his good partner. (pause)

This place is really clean.

BILL. This place has to be clean

(pause) – for makin’ CDs and DVDs. Has to be sanitized for perfect clean digital quality, the digital quality of life.

(enjoying now being in the driver’s seat with her)

He’s been keeping you from me. I can see why. I heard he got busted.

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DIGBY

Who’d you hear from?

BILL Tony called me. He said it was for sellin’ cleans. Not nice. He’s cheated a lot of honest folks in the music and film business, including his partner here.

DIGBY (with uncertainty in her voice)

I know Daddy’s innocent.

BILL Yeah, sure. Everybody’s Daddy is innocent.

DIGBY Well, he said you’d have the manufacturing records to help clear his name and be able to give me money to retain a battery of lawyers for him.

BILL Wait here for a couple of minutes, make yourself at home.

(Bill walks off stage. Fescue stops sweeping and comes over to Digby.)

FESCUE

(whispering) I saw you on the train last night. You didn’t want to talk to me. DIGBY What? Did you call me on my cell? FESCUE Yes. That data disc that you gave your father in jail, where did you get it? DIGBY What? I’m not telling you. FESCUE Bill gave that data disc to you to give to your Daddy. Maybe your Daddy is innocent. DIGBY

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What was on that disc anyway? FESCUE It’s a program for bypassing the system that checks how many CDs and DVDs are made so that the owners of the CDs and DVDs can make sure that things at the plant are Kosher. DIGBY Daddy’s innocent.

(pause) And you, a floor sweeper, help me? You’ve got to be kidding, a floor sweeper. Surely you jest.

(laughs a nervous laugh) I’ve never knowingly spoken to a floor sweeper before. Sweep, sweep away.

FESCUE (loudly)

You wouldn’t have forty bucks would you so I can buy the train tickets. I’ll pay you back when my pay check clears the Last Hauppauge Bank to Trust.

(then, softly) I’m a special agent for the F.B.I., under deep cover. I’m not as goofy as I first appear although I do have my limitations. I can help you, find the real culprit, if there is one, but you must be quiet about this. Just talk about loaning me the money – I’ll contact you later. I’ll use the secret password “marzipan” to identify myself. DIGBY What’s marzipan? FESCUE It’s a type of candy they eat on Mars. DIGBY Who eats? FESCUE (nods) Just talk about loaning me the money.

DIGBY (startled)

Is that a problem? (pause)

The bank won’t clear your check?

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FESCUE

They told me to hold on to it for a few days. Then it would be good. What with the cash flow at the end of the “physical” year. Whenever that is.

DIGBY Oh, Jesus.

FESCUE He saved me in Vietnam.

(pauses and whispers) I have your cell phone number.

(DIGBY, still doubtful, but now paying attention, paces the clean floor of the pressing plant. Fescue pulls a dirty scrap of paper from his pocket and shows the number to Digby. Digby nods in the affirmative. FESCUE takes the scrap of paper, wipes his dirty nose with it and puts it back in his jeans’ pocket)

DIGBY

(loudly) Of course, here’s your forty dollars.

(takes two twenties out of her wallet and hands them to FESCUE)

FESCUE

(whispers) Remember the secret word.

(returning to sweeping and speaking loudly).

(Bill returns. Fescue moves toward the side of the stage)

BILL

I don’t think I can help you.

DIGBY (angrily)

I thought you said you could.

BILL Let’s wait ‘till Fescue leaves. It’ll be a few more minutes. He’s going to the City to try to convince his lovely wife not to leave him.

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(laughs) Then, we’ll talk. Maybe

(looking suggestively at her body) we can work something out.

DIGBY What? What are you saying?

BILL Don’t be coy.

DIGBY What are you talking about?

BILL Shhh. Don’t alarm Fescue. He’s slow on the uptake, but we don’t want to rattle his cage. There he goes.

(Bill stops talking while Fescue walks to the other side of the stage, out of Bill’s line of sight) BILL

Good. He’s gone. Now, I’m gonna take my pants off, and if you want the money, then I suggest you do the same.

DIGBY I almost never take my pants off for anybody unless my Daddy says it’s OK.

BILL He’s in jail. I know he would approve.

(moves slowly toward Digby)

DIGBY (screams)

No! No! No! (strikes a Tai-Chi pose)

I studied Tai-Chi as my required gym class.

BILL No one’s gonna hurt you.

(takes off his pants to reveal boxer shorts with purple broken hearts on them)

We’re talking sex here, not violence. I took Kung Fu as an elective. You don’t want to go up against me with those arty poses.

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FESCUE

(returns from off stage, drops his broom and rushes over to face Bill)

What’s going on here? What are you doing with your pants off?

BILL Fescue, I thought you were outta here. Mind your own business. Aren’t you going into the City to pick up your lovely wife. Do you need an extra $40?

(reaches down and pulls his wallet out of the pants which are on the floor)

FESCUE

Leave her alone.

BILL What?

FESCUE I have a black belt in karate. Its not that I’m good, it’s just that I never wash it. (strikes a hand-to-hand combat pose)

BILL (looking angry and embarrassed, starts to make a karate-like move toward Fescue and finishes by picking up his pants and putting them back on)

Fescue, you’re fired, and Digby, I want you to know we’re shutting this place down. Movin’ the operation to where the people and robots get paid shit and say “thank you, bless you, thank you!”

(pause) The beautiful Bangladesh of the South, and there’s nothing you or Fescue

(laughs) can do about it.

DIGBY Does Daddy know?

BILL (boastfully explains the situation)

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He does. He voted against it last month at the board of directors meeting. So, it didn’t pass. But if your Daddy is accused of a felony, then he loses his voting power.

(pause) The board of directors of “The Little Manufacturing Plant That Makes It Good” is meeting next Thursday to vote again on the matter. Unless your father is cleared by that day, the plant’s shuttin’ and movin’ to L.A.

DIGBY L.A.?

BILL Lower Alabama. And your Daddy’s not gonna be cleared by Thursday. No way. He’s got problems, big problems for a big man.

DIGBY You dirty man!

BILL

(smiles) Sure. Sure. Sure

(laughs) You weren’t brought up being given everything you want because your Daddy was soft. He was once tough as nails, banged heads with the best of them. Hung guys out windows with one hand and caught the change in their pockets with the other hand before it hit the ground.

(pause) but now I don’t know. He’s forgotten he made it by being a tough guy. Now he may have to give it all back. Now get out of here and take Fescue, that one-eyed schlepper, with you.

(The lights dim and then slowly come up. Digby and Fescue are at stage right.) FESCUE

Are you OK?

DIGBY Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks to you. And I don’t believe what he said about my father being a head banger.

FESCUE

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Your father sure isn’t a Boy Scout. Boy Scouts don’t have the demerit badges he has.

(smiles, pauses and paces the area) He does some suspicious things, like use disposable cell phones and talkin’ on them in the middle of cornfields. But I think he’s clean when it comes to this mess.

DIGBY Oh I can explain the disposable cell phone. Gambling is illegal in this fine state of ours and he used that disposable cell phone to make a bet with his bookie on the final game in the Little League World Series, The Bangladesh Made-Ins, they make their own little uniforms, vs. The Santa Barbara Silver Spoons. (a projection depicts the teams) You don’t know, by chance, who won? FESCUE (shakes his head) He bets on little league? DIGBY He bets on anything. On two cockroaches racing up a Hamptons prison wall.

(pause) I don’t know what to do. I’ve never helped anyone, except Seppe. I have no money to speak of.

FESCUE. Well, think of something. You have no choice. Do you have anything? (pause) Anything of value that could be sold to raise cash?

DIGBY (looks around and then points to her right hand)

See this beautiful ten-carat diamond ring? Perfect. The original was created for my hero Marie, Queen of Romania, and given to her when she made her triumphant tour of America in 1927. She had captured the hearts of New Yorkers with her combination of royal snobbery, common sense, and kindness. After she gave a thrilling speech to the poor on the Bowery, Louis Tiffany himself presented her with a gift from the citizenry of the City, a ring befitting a queen whom some call the “last romantic.” What happened to that ring after she died is unknown, but Tiffany’s had promised not to make another during her

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lifetime plus 60 years, and when that period expired, they made only one. Daddy just happened to be in Tiffany’s looking for a high school graduation gift for me. He bought it on the spot for his petite princess and now sometimes I call myself the last romantic.

FESCUE It’s beautiful.

DIGBY There’s only one, and I have it.

FESCUE Sell it.

DIGBY Are you crazy?

FESCUE I could sell it for you through my contacts. You could use the money for bail and to pay the retainer for the lawyer defending your dad.

DIGBY Are you crazy?

FESCUE Do you want to help your Daddy?

DIGBY Yes, but… I will never, never

(pause) sell this great ring of mine.

FESCUE Selling that ring may be the only way to help you help your Daddy. Unless you have other ideas.

DIGBY (stomps in anger)

He’ll have to find another way! He almost abandoned me, left me airing it out, flapping in the breeze, whispering in the trees, death considering possibilities. The cell phone rang, I had to answer. Now, I’m gonna talk to Tony. There must be another way.

FESCUE

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Tony’s a chauffeur. He may be mixed up in this dirty business. You can’t go to him. (pause) You won’t sell the ring?

DIGBY (almost in tears)

Daddy was going to abandon me. Don’t you understand how that hurt me, shook me to my core? I can’t sell that ring, it is me.

(The lights dim. Fescue exits. Digby stands silent in the twilight. A film featuring a woman begins to play against the back wall. The woman, dressed in royal clothes, wears a ring like Digby’s. She is, in fact, Digby, made up to look older. The woman begins to talk on grainy black and white film. It is like they are in a dream.)

QUEEN MARIE

Digby, I am Marie, Queen of Romania. When I got my beautiful ring in 1927, the world’s first talkie picture, “the Jazz Singer,” staring Al Jolson, was released. The world was in a go-go state between world wars, before the depression. I, too, grew up spoiled, but World War I happened, and I volunteered for the Red Cross. I helped the sick and wounded at great risk to my self. One of the wounded was a young Italian soldier, who dreamed of going to America where he said that he knew that the streets were paved with gold linguini, marinara sauce pouring out of every sewer. He was beneath my stature, but I knew he would not survive his wounds. So I kept him as clean and as comfortable as possible in the operating room. I helped him obtain an erection and mounted him on that battlefield hospital bed. He told me he had received his mortal wounds from the rifle of a man he could’ve killed first, but for the fact that his rifle misfired and he shot blanks. He personally, however, did not shoot blanks that day. Though he died hours after our union, I became with child and gave birth to a beautiful son on a barren battlefield nine months later. To avoid a scandal which surely would’ve erupted had I come home to Romania with a child, I sent the baby to America with my hand nurse and enough cash to give the baby a proper start. The hand nurse placed him with an Italian American family, who named the boy Luigi. He grew up in an Italian section of Brooklyn, where, I understood, he had his own thriving business selling Italian ices to

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the tens and twenties. I became a better woman from that tragic experience.

DIGBY (transfixed)

But, I… are you, are you my…

QUEEN MARIE (interrupts)

But nothing. You are a spoiled brat as I was, and I was given the opportunity by tragedy to become a complete woman. You are being given the same opportunity. Take it. Let Fescue sell the ring. You will pay the retainer for your Daddy’s lawyer, and it will be one small step to your becoming a complete woman.

DIGBY (incredulous)

Do you think?

QUEEN MARIE I know. You can still be snobby, like I was, and catty, and jealous, and everything, but you can help your Daddy and yourself in a big way.

DIGBY OK. OK. A small step to becoming a bigger person, more like you.

QUEEN MARIE (begins to fade away)

And as to that original ring, before I died, I gave instructions that my body lay in rest next to my husband King Ferdinand and that my heart be taken out and buried in the capitol of Romania. Well, the ring went with my heart,

(pause) Let love go with yours. Forgive your Daddy of both his indiscretion and incarceration,

(pause) let Fescue sell the ring, and

(pause) let’s stay in touch.

(As the lights come back up, Queen Marie fades nobly from view. Digby removes the ring from her finger. Fescue returns to the stage. Digby

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gives the ring to Fescue. Fescue turns and heads off stage)

DIGBY

This better be worth it. SCENE 5:

Lights fade out. There is silence followed by the crowing of a rooster. In the darkness we hear a phone ring.)

BILL Hello Tony. Yes, El Capitan has been arrested and is in jail. Yes, I owe you the money. Yes, you will be paid. No, I don’t think Digby will find you more attractive now that you have some money. Yes, I know you would tell El Capitan if I didn’t pay. No, I’m not showing you disrespect. Yes, to me honor is everything too. No, I’m not making fun of you. Yes, the cash will be here for you today at high noon in an envelope which will be with the robot. Yes, the robot.

(The lights then fade up on Darius’s conference room. The room is now modern and in color. Daniel is a participant in the conference. Darius is dressed in a modern suit again, no tie, and Digby is in her mini-dress motif.)

DIGBY

Thanks for getting Daddy out of jail. He’s on his way over. But what do we do now? I’m supposed to get a call from Fescue. I think he can help.

DARIUS Fescue?

DIGBY Fescue.

DARIUS What’s a Fescue?

DIGBY Well, I saw him on the train goin’ out to the Hamptons. He was keeping an eye on me. And then I saw him again this

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morning at the Plant He gave me a secret password to identify him. DARIUS What’s the password? DIGBY It’s a secret. DARIUS I’m your attorney. Attorney-client privilege. DIGBY

(whispers in his ear) DARIUS What’s that? DIGBY Its candy they eat on Mars. DARIUS Who? (Daniel enters dressed in his designer best)

DANIEL

Darius, you did a good job springing me yesterday. Thanks. I didn’t expect much after you spilled your coffee all over that 40’s wool suit you were wearing. What was that all about? (shakes his head in disbelief) Now we have to prepare for trial. What do you have in mind?

DARIUS What exactly is it that they think you did?

DANIEL Well, I have this rock group, “Midnight Violent Phlegm,” signed to my record label, and they had this big hit album called “Phlegm Ass”. They sold about 4 million CDs, and they’re claiming I sold an extra million on the side without accountin’ to anybody, that I had extra copies pressed when my partner was sleepin’ and Elvis the robot helped me ship them out the back door when no one was peepin’.

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DIGBY

Daddy, this whole thing is trumped-up. It is ridiculous. It couldn’t happen. You’re as pure as the driven slush.

DARIUS That’s snow.

DIGBY Sorry.

DANIEL They claim I had 10,000 CDs with me in the trunk when Tony, my good driver, took me to the Hamptons. It was a plant, a set-up. The CDs I had in my trunk I paid for, I gave Luciana a check to give to Bill to give to the record company to pay for the CDs, and I was gonna put those records in the goody bags at the ball at the Maidstone.

(The phone rings. Darius picks it up and puts it on speakerphone.)

DARIUS Hello, Darius T. Whiz speaking.

FESCUE What’s the password? DIGBY Marzipan. DANIEL What’s that? DARIUS It’s the candy they eat on mars. Daniel Who? FESCUE Go to the robot in the manufacturing plant today at high noon. You will find the answer. DARIUS To what.

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FESCUE You will find the answer. DANIEL Who did it? DARIUS That’s what we’re trying to find out. DIGBY Let’s listen to Fescue. DANIEL Let’s go. We’ll use my car. DARIUS Good, because my wife’s got mine. DANIEL I’ll have to drive. Tony asked for a couple of days off to visit a sick aunt in Fargo, North Dakota. I didn’t know they had paisans out there. DIGBY You’re gonna drive? You’re kidding right? DANIEL No, I’m gonna drive. DIGBY Oh, boy!

(The lights dim. We hear an engine roar and the sound of a car heading away from the stage. There are a couple of brake screeches, an “are you trying to kill me” from Digby and “woof woof” from Seppe.)

SCENE 6

BILL Hello Lucianna. Yes, Sugar Daddy has been arrested and sent to jail. Yes, I owe you the money. Yes, you will be paid. No, I don’t think Sugar Daddy will find you more attractive now that you have some money. No, I’m not leaving town before I pay you. Yes, I know you could mess me up if I didn’t pay. No, I’m not showing you disrespect. Yes, to me

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honor is everything too. No, I’m not making fun of you. Yes, the cash will be here for you today at high noon in an envelope with the robot. Yes, the robot.

(A spotlight shines on the robot. He is frozen with his back to the audience, bent over. Another spotlight stage left shines on Bill, packed suitcase beside him. Lucianna enters stage right. She is wearing a bra and soccer shorts in the colors of the Brazilian soccer team. The left cup of the bra says “bra” and the right cup says “sil”.)

LUCIANNA

If I didn’t feel he was gonna dump me, I never would’ve made the deal with you, diabo. Maybe I made a mistake, pushing that disco on him.

(stands up and does a disco move, to a taped Brazilian dance song. She swings her arms to the side, and the music stops.)

But now I am glad I flushed the check down the toilet and we shredded Daniel’s purchase records. He has no proof that he was buying those CDs. We got away with it. We are a good team. Let’s go to Brazil. They have great trains in Brazil. That is, if you like live chickens.

BILL (Puts his fingers to his lips)

Ssshhhh. The robot has your envelope with the cash. I stayed to say goodbye and to make sure you took only what’s wrongfully yours. I’ll miss you.

LUCIANNA I’ve been thinking and talking to Astrid. She thinks we would be great together. I wore this outfit just for you. Sexy, no? BILL Sexy, yes. But you blew me off on the train and I am still off; off you that is. So take the money and go.

LUCIANNA Where are you going? BILL I’ll be around. Going too far would cause suspicion. After all, I have nothing to hide.

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LUCIANNA But our crime… BILL

(points to the robot) Take the envelope. (Digby, Darius and Daniel rush in) What are you doing here? DIGBY Fescue told us to be here at high noon to find the answer.

Fescue and Agent Smith also appear. Fescue is now dressed like Elliot Ness, wearing a 3-piece-suit, bow tie, and carrying a tommygun. By his side is Agent Smith. She is dressed like Annie Oakley with cow girl boots and hat and carries a shot gun.

BILL What are you doing here? FESCUE We’re here to find the answer. (pause) Special Agent Lamont Fescue to the rescue! Bill and Lucianna destroyed the check and proof of purchase for the CDs and planted the evidence to frame Daniel. We got you.

BILL (in disbelief) Fescue! What are you doin’ with a tommygun and three-piece-suit? Who do you think you are? Elliot Ness?

LUCIANNA (covering up)

Oh my God!

FESCUE I told you, my name’s not Fescue. It’s Special Agent Fescue of the FBI. This is Special Agent Smith. AGENT SMITH (cocks shotgun and sings like Ethyl Merman) “Anything you can do, I can do better…” (now not singing)

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My mamma cooked chicken in Wesson oil. Now, meet my friends who I cook with - Smith and Wesson!

(Smith and Fescue point their guns at Bill and Lucianna.) FESCUE

You have the right to remain silent, and anything you do say can and will be held against you.

DIGBY But how did you know? FESCUE It was Tony. You know he would do anything for you. He doesn’t, however, think you would find him more attractive if he had more money. When he saw Bill and Lucianna setting up Daniel, he played along and then tipped off the FBI.

AGENT SMITH You both are under arrest.

LUCIANNA

Filho da puta.

(Lucianna strikes a pose reflective of the ritual of capoeira. She is on her haunches, ready to strike out with her legs.)

DIGBY You were hustlin’ my Daddy and now you’re gonna pay for it. LUCIANNA Daniel’s your father? Merda.

(Lucianna sings a ladainha, the ritual song signaling the commencement of combat. Digby hands Seppe’s leash to Fescue. Fescue nods in the affirmative, and Seppe barks encouragingly. The spectators encircle the combatants)

DIGBY (strikes her Tai Chi pose)

Let me at her. She’s so beautiful, so exotic, so wise to the world. So beautiful (takes a swing at Lucianna and misses) so exotic (does a side kick and misses)

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so… (Lucianna leaps and side kicks Digby’s face,

hard. Digby is stunned. Fescue urges the rest of the people in the circle to let Digby have the opportunity to take Lucianna. Digby awkwardly tries to regain her composure.)

DIGBY So beautiful, (grunts) so exotic, (grunts) so wise to the world.

(Lucianna does 2 cartwheels and is at Digby’s buoyant chest, ready to kick again. Just then, Queen Marie of Romania appears on the back stage wall, in grainy film footage. She is wearing her world-famous diamond ring, the one given to her by Louis Tiffany. She manipulates the facets to cause the light to shine off them into Lucianna’s eyes. Lucianna is temporarily blinded, her hand cuffed hands no help in reflecting the piercing light. Digby takes advantage of Lucianna’s disability, flips her and pins her to the floor face down. Digby imitates Cagney.) DIGBY

Cuff her. QUEEN MARIE I couldn’t let her kick your ass all over (pauses and looks for a sign) Hauppauge. Was that the place discovered when I was here in ’27? Did you know that the trains to the Hamptons were faster in ’27? Only a slim 2 hours and fifteen minutes to East Hampton. (pause) Digby, good luck. Got to fade.

(Queen Marie’s image slowly fades from view. Bill cautiously gets up from the floor.)

LUCIANNA

(face down on the floor, struggling without success)

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Bill, say nothing. Let’s hire an expensive lawyer like Daniel did, wear down the over-burdened and under-paid criminal justice system with motions, delays and demands and end up doing community service, teaching “seniors” to samba, painting a crooked white picket fence near a pathetic school yard, close to a church, abutting a cemetery. Maybe we could get some paint company to sponsor us, write a book about our experience and go on Oprah together. You are sooo cute, maybe we belong together.

BILL (resigned)

Maybe. Maybe this will bring us closer together.

LUCIANNA Well, it certainly cuts down on our immediate options. Merda.

DIGBY (to Lucianna)

How could you? Daddy was going to introduce us. You could have been my next demi-mother.

LUCIANNA Please! I was never gonna be your next demi-mother. I was just getting the scraps. He was pissed that I asked him for more money for my disco.

DIGBY And, Bill! How could you. My father trusted you!

BILL

Your father is an over-the-hill idealist, wanting to pay pressing plant workers a fair wage, supporting the community where he lives, giving back to a school where he learned to overachieve, doesn’t help my bottom line. He’s opposed to change. I guess he likes the community and the workers and thought we were makin’ enough profit here. He said the community here sticks together. At night, in the summer, he swears the kids here play stoop ball and voluntarily go home when the street lights go on.

(pause) What an imagination he has! A vision of traditional American values that never really existed.

(laughs)

DIGBY

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And you?

BILL You can never make too much profit, even if you have to fire loyal workers and get out of town to do it. FESCUE With Daniel out of the way, it would have been easy for him to move the plant to L.A.

SMITH L.A.?

FESCUE Lower…

SMITH (cuts him off)

…Alabama!

FESCUE Yes.

DIGBY I never thought about these things. Mostly I concentrate on my art which includes my shopping, not on commerce, but

(pause) my Daddy may have a point there. I think I’ll start thinking of commerce, too.

LUCIANNA What are we going to do with Astrid if I go to jail?

DIGBY (looks at Astrid sleeping in Elvis’s arms.)

Elvis will take good care of her. He has some good connections. In fact, he’s wired.

LUCIANNA But, she’s my angel.

FESCUE You should have thought of that before you made a deal with the devil. SCENE 7

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(Lights fade to dim. Digby, Fescue, Daniel, Darius, and Seppe are seated at a table having Italian ices, all smiles.)

DANIEL

You are my dream team. I’m feeling so free. I’m gonna earn more and give more, give back greater than ever before.

(pause) Does the FBI have a very benevolent society?

FESCUE No. We take care of our own. And there is no letter “I” in the word team.

DANIEL This reminds me of my late Daddy. He was a good man. He interrupted his career of selling ices to the tens and twenties, by volunteering to fight in W.W.II. He left me and mom while he fought for the greater good. We were very poor and very patriotic. Once, we took the train to Florida to visit my mom’s parents. It took 24 hours from New York to Miami. It was full, there were no seats, so, mom and I took turns sitting on mom’s suitcase in the aisle all the way down to Florida. It was an adventure.

DIGBY Oh, Daddy! You’re the best. I had my doubts, real serious ones, but now all we have to do is find you a new girlfriend. (frowns) Perhaps even some one almost age appropriate.

(frowns) Naaahhhh. DARIUS Some good news. I got your play in to the Toronto Film Festival. They have a category “Best Student Screenplay That Could Be Made Into A Film If Only Daddy Came Up With The Cash”. DANIEL But he won’t. DARIUS

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But he doesn’t have to. If Digby’s play wins in the category, the prize is an independent film company will make a movie based on the screenplay. (pause) And the trip to Toronto won’t cost you anything. I cashed in some miles on Oh Canada Air. We’ll be flying coach. DIGBY Oh my God. Coach. I thought that coach was only for Cinderella. DARIUS And I booked us the junior producer’s suite at the No Tell motel right near the film festival. DANIEL What? DARIUS Did you know that motel spelled backwards is letom? DANIEL Digby, you are not going to a film festival with this guy. He’s older, he’s married, and he’s not loaded. DIGBY He is older, which means this is not going to be serious. He’s separated from his downer wife. He helped set you free and maybe he’ll jump start my career in show business. DANIEL You’re making a big mistake young lady! DIGBY This from my father, who because a Brazilian woman waved her tush in his direction put 2 million dollars into a disco in Brazil that will never open. DANIEL Ok, you have a point there. But what a tush! Be careful with this guy, he’s on the rebound. DIGBY Rebound - I almost bounced, I mean, I’ll be careful. DANIEL And I want the credit cards back.

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DIGBY What? DANIEL Well, you said you wanted to do it on your own. And I will reluctantly let you. DIGBY I never said I wanted to do it on my own. I said I wanted to give this little thing a shot at the Toronto Film Festival. DANIEL So you’re still with me. DIGBY More than ever. DANIEL We still share the same values. DIGBY Of course we do, schnookems Daddy dearest.

DANIEL (getting back to business) Well, I want everyone to know that the plant stays on this planet and in this fair town.

FESCUE Tomorrow, charges against you will be dropped. You’re free to move about the cabin of life as you choose.

DANIEL Maybe Digby and I will take the train to East Hampton on Thursday. I can buy a retro suitcase, have Tony – my new business partner - rough it up, and we can put it in the aisle and Digby and I can take turns sitting on it, just like I did in the old days with my mom. Maybe we’ll have a heart to heart.

FESCUE You know that wife I talk about all the time? She had a change of heart and agreed to stick with me. We will be leaving soon. Our work here is done. It’s time to say good bye, auf wiedersein, au revoir, farewell.

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This is my last earthly hurrah, and I’m goin’ out a hero, page one of the tabloids and all. Terra firma, total glory. Fescue waves at Darius, Digby, Daniel and the others. The stage dims. SCENE 8 FESCUE

(In a dim, red spotlight, wearing a dusty red uniform with rocks attached to it)

Government issue. That’s what this camo suit is. You know, when they call us soldiers G.I.’s that’s an abbreviation for government issue. Soldiers are government issue. Consultants stalking the corridors of power, wearing white dress shirts and red power ties make firm recommendations that we should go here and when we are here we should do this and wear this. Because of my unique talent, they sent me here on this one man long range reconnaissance patrol. And they gave me permission, because the trip here was so long and this place so lonely, to bring my wife. And she agreed to be brought. Of course, I’m waiting for Bob Hope to come, any sol now. FESCUE (Imitating Bob Hope) “Can you believe the President of the United States sent me all the way here just to entertain the troop?” (Then a spotlight glows. Beneath the spotlight is Digby.) DIGBY Hi! FESCUE Hi! What are you doin’ here? DIGBY Well, my Daddy got his money back quickly, thanks to you. After I came back from the disaster that was the Toronto Flim Flam Festival, I didn’t win an award and Darius as a man was a minus zero, Daddy donated his loft in the village

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to NASA to further the study of inner and outer space. Just to think this all started with a trip on the Long Island Railroad. FESCUE I’m here to perform long-range patrols. My wife will study my interaction with the beings I encounter here and on other nearby planets. DIGBY What beings?

FESCUE In fact, she took my binoculars and went looking for Uranus. DIGBY (pointing backward) It’s right here. While I was in that flea bag of a motel in Toronto, I did some thinking. You had it tough and I had it easy. Everything I want I get, you had to work for every thing you’ve got. I need help that my Daddy and self help books can’t give me. For after all, man can’t live on self help books alone. FESCUE What do you mean? DIGBY It’s gonna take a lot for me to get over what I almost did.

FESCUE Yes it is. DIGBY But I have learned to be more like you - like wearing this little military outfit which Daddy had made for me in a quaint little factory in Bangladesh. The children who made it included this little note in the gift box that said “we thank you for the opportunity of allowing us to live in continued poverty”. It’s like getting a fortune cookie from your clothier. (frowns) Poverty. People who made this live in poverty… Much as anyone, I like to get cheap cloths, but suddenly I feel that I should help these people. They who cover some of my clean skin with quality goods at low

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prices live in squalor. I must help them. I’m going to send them my cloths when I’m finished with them. I’m gonna get Daddy to hire them to work in his factory, paying them a fair wage and teaching them how to play stoop ball. (pause) I’m going back home now and make a difference. I’ll miss you. FESCUE I’ll miss you. Maybe we can communicate through the stars. I’m a little upset at the thought that those power people in the white shirts and the red ties don’t know what they’re doin’ when they send us into harm’s way. (Fescue paces back and forth) They do give us the opportunity to elevate ourselves, but at what price?

(Digby fades from view)

FESCUE They put us in peril, then they send us Hope. Those red ties should be on this red planet. If they ever come, it will only be to serve us warrior Pilgrims Thanksgiving dinner, then they’ll be gone. I’m here to stay, to serve, to protect our values, to do the dirty work which made me what I am today, clean. (The stage darkens. Fescue’s voice is now heard in the darkness) FESCUE Ladies and gentlemen of the audience, we have good news and bad news for the people of the Earth. The bad news is that we will soon be invaded by thousands of Martians. The good news is that they eat politicians and pee gasoline! (The dimmer slowly turns to dark) THE END.

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