The Creepy Corpse of Cal Caponeby D. M. Larson

Copyright (c) 1998

You must ask for permission before using this script in a performance or publication by contacting doug@freedrama.net (please include the title of this

monologue in your request). When you perform the play and charge admission, then a royalty payment is required.

TimeBig City during the Prohibition Era

PlaceSecret Anti-Prohibition Nightclub

Cast of Characters

Ruth "REMMY" Remmington: Club owner.

PETE: Drunk patron who is actually a secret agent. (also plays PRIEST)

FLO and JOE: Patrons and friends of REMMY.

BETH: A patron who also plays a trick on CAL as a GHOST.

SAM and SALLY: Other patrons.

SIMON: Confused customer.

KID: Another confused customer.

COP: A police officer who comes to check out the club.

The BOSS: Cal Capone is the owner of club who makes life difficult for Remmy.

CHARLIE: Quiet piano player.

SCENE 1

(Various people are gathered in a club talking, drinking, and enjoying themselves. Everyone is dressed casually except for REMMY who wears a nice, white dress. The center of attention is FLO and JOE, who are arm wrestling)

JOE: (Straining) you give up yet?

FLO: (Relaxed) What's the matter, Joe? Tired.

JOE: No way.

BETH: Any more bets? Flo's looking tired.(FLO starts to weaken)

JOE: I've got you now.

SAM: Twenty more dollars on Joe!

FLO: How much we got, Beth?

BETH: That makes two hundred dollars for the winner.

FLO: (Slams down JOE'S arm) That's enough.

BETH: (Kisses money) Come to mommy!

SAM: You cheated us!

SALLY: That ain't fair. We want our money back.

BETH: A bet's a bet.

SAM: (Pulls a gun) And a gun's a gun.

REMMY: (Hits SAM over the head. He falls) You know the rules.

(Picks up gun like it's a dirty diaper)No guns.

 

SALLY: (Slaps his face) Sam? Sam? Speak to me.

SAM: Wow, what a headache.

SALLY: Oh, Sam. you're okay.SAM: Sure I'm okay. What did you say your name was?

SALLY: Oh, Sam. You're gonna make me cry.(She runs out in tears)

SAM: What happened?

FLO: Well, you see. Beth was returning your money and you dropped it on the floor under the table. You were reaching for your money and then you hit your head. That's when this guy grabbed your money and ran out the

door.

SAM: What?BETH: You better go get it. He's got a big head start.

SAM: I'll kill him!

(SAM runs out angrily)

JOE: Nice story.

FLO: Thanks.

JOE: I need a drink.

PETE: (Drunk) Ya' know. I knew Elliot Ness.

BETH: Yes, Pete. We know. We've heard the story a million times.

PETE: And I was... an Untouchable.

FLO: And you've been that way ever since. Untouchable.

BETH: If only he was "unsmellable" too.

PETE: Without me, they'd never have gotten Al Capone.

FLO: I wouldn't brag about that. His younger brother owns this club.

PETE: Cal Capone owns this place?

FLO: That'right.

PETE: You mean... I'm drinking Capone whiskey?

BETH: Yeap, you're supporting the family you tried to put away.

PETE: Yeah, well, I'll show him. I'm an honorary officer of the law. I'll take him and his whole gang in. I'll... I'll...(Passes out)

FLO: Looks like he's had a little too much today.BETH: He has too much everyday.FLO: What do we do with him?

BETH: Throw a blanket over him and call him a chair.

(They do and go off to visit with JOE. There's a knock at the door: shave and a haircut)

REMMY: It's the secret password. Open the door.(JOE opens the door and SIMON walks in)

JOE: Who are you?

(Everyone looks nervous and the odd SIMON) 

SIMON: Simon. Sim Simon.

REMMY: How can I help you?

SIMON: The sign outside said, "Pete Pickled Pig Toes." Is this where I can get some pickled pig toes?

REMMY: Well, not exactly.

SIMON: You're out of business.

REMMY: WELL....

SIMON: You're not...

REMMY: Ummm...

SIMON: This isn't...

REMMY: Uh...

SIMON: An illegal operation.

REMMY: Oh, please, sir. Please don't tell.

SIMON: But my young lady, as a loyal citizen of this wonderful nation...

(REMMY pulls out SAM'S gun)I didn't see a thing.

REMMY: Good choice.

SIMON: Can I ask one thing?

REMMY: Shoot.

SIMON: Uh...

REMMY: (Puts away gun) Sorry. Bad choice of words.

SIMON: Why is a nice gal like you running a bad place like this?

REMMY: It's a long story. It all starts will my poor old grandmother...

SIMON: She's ill?

REMMY: No, she's dead. And she left me my poor, sick grandfather to care for...

SIMON: Alone? Without any help?

REMMY: My mother helped for a time. But then they both got sick and died and left my father to care for all us kids.

SIMON: So you're helping your father?REMMY: Well, he died too.SIMON: I'm so sorry.

REMMY: (Now she's in tears) And now I'm left alone to care for my poor brothers and sisters. All twenty-seven of them,

SIMON: Twenty-seven!

REMMY: Some are adopted.

SIMON: Of course.

REMMY: (Sobbing) There's Ricky and Jimmy and Sandy and..

SIMON: Okay, well I'm sorry to be running.REMMY: (Still crying) And Cindy and Timmy and Billy...

SIMON: Perhaps you can introduce me some time. Gotta go. Bye.(Exits quickly)

FLO: You okay, Remmy?

REMMY: (Sobs) Is he gone yet?

FLO: Yeah.

REMMY: (Stops crying) Then I'm fine.

BETH: Do you really have twenty-seven brothers and sisters?

REMMY: Give or take a few. It's so hard to keep track of them. If only I didn't have to work all the time.

(Knock at door: shave and a haircut)

JOE: It�s the secret knock. I'll get it.

KID: You got any pickled pigs toes?(Shuts door)

JOE: You've got to change that password.

FLO: So what's on the schedule tonight?

BETH: Yeah, we want some entertainment.

REMMY: I was hoping you wouldn't ask.

FLO: Where's the band?

JOE: Where's the singer?

REMMY: Quiet! I have something special planned tonight.

PETE: Drinks on the house?

FLO: Yeap, they're up on the roof, Pete.

PETE: Okay! (Runs out)FLO: He'd jump off a bridge if I told him.

REMMY: I have a contest for ya'. First prize: $ 100.

JOE: I'm in. What do I got to do?

BETH: A striptease.

JOE: (Starts to strip) Whatever you say.

BETH: It was a joke!

FLO: Put back on your clothes before you scare away the customers.

REMMY: It's a talent contest. (Blank stares)You know, like an amateur night.

FLO: What's the matter? Couldn't you find a real person to entertain us?

REMMY: Come on. It'll be fun.

JOE: About as much fan as sticking a fork up my nose.

FLO: Isn't that your special talent Joe?

PETE: (reenters) There wasn't nothing up there.

FLO: Gee, Pete. I don't know what happened.

REMMY: Who will entertain us first?

(Silence)It's for one hundred dollars.

 

PETE: I'll do it.

FLO: This should be good.

PETE: For your information, I was a talented actor in my day. Did some real serious theatre at one time.

BETH: Bet you really knocked 'em dead.FLO: Yeah, with his breath.

PETE: Go ahead and laugh. Once you hear me sing you'll be sorry.JOE: I'm sure we will.

PETE: (To CHARLIE, who is sleeping at the piano) Maestro? Ready?

(CHARLIE nods, pretending to understand)A one, a two, a...

(PETE passes out on the floor. JOE, FLO, and BETH applaudJOE: Beautiful!FLO: Stunning performance.

BETH: Encore', encore'

(PETE is dragged off)

REMMY: Anyone else?

JOE: No one could top that.

REMMY: Anyone?

FLO: You're turn, Remmy. Show up how it's done.

REMMY: Me? Oh, no. I don't...

BETH: If you will, we will.

REMMY: Promise?

FLO: Cross our hearts...

JOE: (Aside) And hope you die.

REMMY: Okay.

(Whispers song to CHARLIE)Here goes...

SONG: "You are my sunshine."(SINGS badly)

REMMY: How was it?JOE: That was an interesting way of doing that song.

FLO: I never knew such music was possible.

BETH: I was moved.

REMMY: Who's next?

BETH: Me, me. It's my turn. I'm next.

REMMY: Okay. What are you going to sing?

BETH: It's a little something I just made up, but I think it will catch on and be sung for many years to come.

JOE: Start already.

BETH: Okay. Here goes. It's the song that never ends. It goes and on and on myfriends... (She continues to sing the song over and over)

JOE: Make her stop.

REMMY: Beth. Oh, Beth. Time's up. Beth.

FLO: Maybe if you give her the hundred-dollar prize, she'll stop.

REMMY: Okay, here. Just stop.

BETH: (Stops) Thank you.

FLO: The winner!

PETE: (Wakes) What's that? Did I win?

FLO: No, Pete. But it was close.

REMMY: (Helps him into chair) There you go.

PETE: I need another drink.

REMMY: I think you've had enough.

PETE: I'm not drunk. I'm just pretending. I'm under cover you know.

JOE: And pretty soon you'll be under the table.

(Knock at door)JOE: That's not the secret knock.

REMMY: Quick everyone. To your places.

(Everyone rushes around and hides liquor and changed gambling for checkers, etc. Jars of pickles are set out) JOE: (More knocking) That sounds like a cop knocking.REMMY: Oh, dear. Oh, dear.JOE: Ready?REMMY: Let'em in.COP: Police raid!JOE: Come on in.

REMMY: Care for any pickled pig toes?

COP: Sorry, ma'am. I thought this was an illegal booze operation.

REMMY: As you can see, this is a reputable joint.

COP: I'm sure I smelled some alcohol.

REMMY: It must be the stuff we pickle with. People often make that mistake.

COP: (Sees PETE passed out) What's with him?

REMMY: Oh, he's in charge of... tasting the pickling juice... to make sure it's the right mixture.

COP: You sure that's safe.

REMMY: He isn't dead is he?

COP: (Pokes him) I don't know. I can't tell.

REMMY: Trust me, he's fine.

COP: (Picks up jar) These look like pickles.

REMMY: Isn't that amazing? That's what happens when you pickle pigs' feet.They turn out just like pickles.

COP: Well, what do you know?

REMMY: Amazing, isn't it?(Pushes him out)I suppose you'll want to be going.

COP: I do have to go. Sorry to disturb you.

REMMY: Don't mention it. Bye.

(Pushes him out door and closes it)That was close.

(Everyone changes the place back as before. REMMY sighs and then there is another knock at the door)Here we go again.

(Everyone starts changing back again)

COP: (Opens door) I just wanted to say...

REMMY: (Tries to close door on him. Everyone is frantic) What's that?

COP: If you ever need anything, give me a call...

REMMY: Okay, thank you.

(Pushes him out and shuts door)That was way too close.

(They start to change back and then there's another knock)I'm going to kill him.

JOE: No, Remmy!

REMMY: (Opens door and points gun) Now look here!

CAL: Don't shoot!

REMMY: Cal! I'm so sorry.

JOE: Back about your business. It's the Boss.

CAL: Hello, everyone.

ALL: Cal! How are ya'?

(They greet him warmly)PETE: Cal? CalCapone? My sworn enemy. I'll... I'll...

(Passes out unnoticed)

CAL: This kind greeting is all very touching. But I'm afraid I'm closing you down.

ALL: What?!

REMMY: You can't mean it.

CAL: You just ain't making enough money, Ms. Remmington. And you have copshanging around outside your door. This ain't no way to run a business.

REMMY: But what will I do? This club is my life. And my family... Little Joey, little Timmy, little Tommy....

CAL: Spare me the family history, Ms. Remmington. It won't work.

FLO: That's not fair. You can't close the club.

BETH: Who needs you? We can make our own club.

CAL: (Quiet) If you don't use my clubs....

(Picks up a chair and throws it)You don't use any clubs!

(He rips up a napkin)And you know what happens to people who walk into someone else's club. They don't walk anymore.

FLO: Okay. We got the point.(They back off)

PETE: You don't need this guy, Remmy. You can get along just fine without him.

CAL: (Takes out a piece of paper) Actually, she can't.

PETE: What's that?

CAL: Her contract.

REMMY: Contract with the devil.

CAL: She was thrown out in the street. Desperate and penniless, she came to me. I agreed to help on one condition: she had to sign this.

FLO: You can't hold her to that can you?CAL: I certainly can. Because Remmy is a woman of honor.

REMMY: I gave my word...

CAL: And she signed in blood. But you've failed me, Remmy. You've broken section 1 of our contract. Now it's on to section 2.

REMMY: Oh, no. Not section 2. Anything but section 2.

FLO: What's section 2?

REMMY: I'm not sure I remember.

CAL: (Reads) Section 2 reads: "Anyone who fails to do business for Cal Capone will be condemned to mixing whiskey at his underground factory."

FLO: That can't be legal!

CAL: We left legal outside the door.

REMMY: (Pleads) Without this club, my family will be thrown out into the street. I can't make enough money making whiskey for you. I know I'm not making the kind of money you're used to but the prices you're charging...

CAL: The prices are fine...

REMMY: Give me one more month...

CAL: I gave you one more month...

REMMY: I'll do anything to keep this club open.

CAL: Anything?

REMMY: Well...

FLO: Think about that one carefully, Remmy.

CAL: Stay out of this.

FLO: Fine, fine. Anything you say, Boss.

REMMY: Anything.

CAL: Anything?REMMY: ANYTHING.

CAL: (Laughs evilly) Then we will marry at midnight.REMMY: Marry?ALL: Marry?!

CAL: Married. M-A-R-Y-D. Married.REMMY: Oh, no.CAL: Oh, yes.REMMY: Oh, my.CAL: Oh, boy.REMMY: Oh, God.

CAL: See you tonight. Wear something white.

(Laughs evilly again and heads for door. He runs into PETE)Watch where you're going, drunk!

PETE: Sorry, there big guy. Didn't see you.

(Brushes him off)You sure you okay?

CAL: I'll be fine once I ain't around you.(Exits)

FLO: What you are thinking, Remmy?! You can't many him.

REMMY: It's the only way to help my family.

BETH: There's got to be a better way.

PETE: I know a way...

FLO: Shut up, Pete. This is serious.

PETE: Fine, then I won't tell you the secret weakness of the Capones.

REMMY: Secret weakness?

JOE: You're so full of it, Pete.

PETE: Fine, I won't help.

REMMY: Please, Pete. I'm desperate.

PETE: Nope, I'll only help if they apologize.

REMMY: Would you all say you're sorry?

FLO: No way.

JOE: Nope.

BETH: Forget it.

REMMY: Please, do it for me.

FLO: Fine. Sorry, Pete.

JOE and BETH: Sony.

PETE: That wasn't a real sorry.

FLO: Oh, come on.

PETE: I want a good one.

JOE: This is stupid.

PETE: I want the best darn apology anyone has ever heard.

BETH: Come on, Pete.

PETE: I want an apology! Apology, apology.

REMMY: Please, guys.

(FLO, BETH, and JOE sigh and look at each other)Please.

FLO, BETH, JOE: (Together) We are so sorry, Pete. We are more sorry than words can say. We are more sorry than people can be sorry. We...

PETE: Okay, okay. I get the point. Don't rub it in.

REMMY: Thank you. Pete. Now what's the secret?

(PETE clears his throat and passes out)

FLO: Not again.

REMMY: Get some coffee. The good stuff(JOE runs for it)

BETH: He's coming around.

REMMY: Thank goodness.

PETE: What happened?

FLO: You passed out.

PETE: Where am I?

BETH: This is useless.

REMMY: Please, Pete. You've got to help me.

PETE: Remmy? Remmy, is that you, my love?

FLO: My love?

REMMY: Pete, please. Not here.

BETH: What's going on?

(JOE returns with coffee)

PETE: Oh, sorry. I think I've blown my cover.

(Drinks coffee)

FLO: Cover?

PETE: I'm Secret Agent Pete Eagle. Untouchable division.

JOE: No way.

FLO: You mean you were pretending all this time?

PETE: I was.BETH: But why?

PETE: It was all for Remmy. At first I came in here undercover, trying to get enough dirt to put Cal away. But Remmy was so kind to me, trying to help me with my drinking problem that I couldn't help falling in love with her. She touched me in a way no woman has ever been able to.

(REMMY and PETE join hands)

REMMY: You've discovered me in the middle of my worst nightmare.

PETE: I hope I can turn this into your most wonderful dream.

FLO: But, but...

BETH: I can't believe it.

JOE: I didn't know you had it in you, Pete.

REMMY: Oh, Pete. What can we do? Do you think we can really get Cal now?

PETE: I don't know. I really need more time, but time is something we don't have.

FLO: What can you do?

PETE: For starters, we now have this.(Takes out the contract)

REMMY: My contract!

FLO: How did you...?

PETE: I lifted it from him when I ran into him as he was leaving.

JOE: Way to go!

REMMY: You've saved me.

PETE: But we still have to catch Cal.

FLO: How are we going to do that?

PETE: Remmy's going to have to marry him.ALL: What?!

REMMY: You can't mean it. You can't. I thought you.

PETE: You must. It's the only way.

REMMY: But I don't love him. I love you.

PETE: We must all make sacrifices.

REMMY: Oh, Pete.

(She runs out crying)

FLO: That was mean.

PETE: I have to let her think she has to marry Cal.

BETH: Why?

PETE: Because my plan won't work otherwise.

JOE: So you have a plan?

PETE: Yes, and you three can help me.

(They huddle as the lights fade to black)

SCENE 2

(Lights come up slightly on CAL entering a darkened club)CAL: Hello? Where is my little muffin? Is she ready for the big day?

REMMY: (She comes in sobbing wearing black) I... I... I'm ready.

CAL: Good. Hey, nice dress!

REMMY: Is that all you can say? This is the worst day of my life and all you can say is "nice dress."

CAL: Okay, uh... you're hair looks good too.REMMY: Oh! My met

CAL: Where is that priest? He should have been here ages ago.(JOE and FLO enter)

REMMY: At least my friends are here.JOE: We couldn't skip out on you, Remmy.FLO: We knew you could use some support.

REMMY: You can say that again.FLO: We knew you could...

CAL: Shut up! All of you! I want this to be over with as soon as possible.(Everyone stands nervously in silence)

JOE: Didn't you get a cake?

CAL: I said, quiet!

(They are quiet again)

FLO: You didn't get a bouquet?

CAL: I said shut up! (Pulls out gun)Next person who talks gets it!

PRIEST: (PETE in disguise, though hopefully audience can't tell either) Hello, my children. (CAL points gun) Sorry I'm late.

CAL: Oh, sorry. Father. Just a little pre-wedding jitters.

PRIEST: I understand, my son.

CAL: Let's get the show on the road.

FLO: Yeah, a horror show.

CAL: What?

FLO: Nothing.

PRIEST: Are we ready? Let us begin. Love goes back to the beginning of time...

CAL: Just give us the short version.

PRIEST: The short version?

CAL: You know, all the "I do's" and such.

PRIEST: Well, we must a few things straight first.

CAL: Straight? What do you mean?

PRIEST: Do you love this woman?

CAL: You bet.

(Slaps her on the rear)

PRIEST: Do you love this man?

REMMY: I most certainly...

(CAL takes out gun)Well...

CAL: Say it...

PRIEST: I can not perform the ceremony pointing a gun at the bride.

CAL: How about I point it at you instead?

PRIEST: I suppose I could do it then.CAL: Hurry it up. I ain't got all night.

PRIEST: Do you, Cal Capone...(Ghostly voice booms out. GHOST is BETH in disguise)

GHOST: Cal Capone.CAL: What was that?JOE: What was what?FLO: I didn't hear anything.PRIEST: Take this woman...GHOST: Kill this woman...CAL: Who is that? Who said that?JOE: Are you okay?

FLO: I don't hear anything.

(Motions to REMMY to play along)

CAL: I swore I heard someone say...

PRIEST: Shall we continue?

CAL: The sooner we get out of here the better.

GHOST: Get out of here!

CAL: Hurry!

PRIEST: Do you Cal Capone...

GHOST: Cal Capone...

CAL: You said that already.

PRIEST: Take this woman...

GHOST: Kill this woman...

PRIEST: Ruth Remmington.

GHOST: Sadie Smithington!

CAL: It's her!

FLO: Who?

CAL: Sadie!

GHOST: Sadie!

CAL: She's come!(The other back off as GHOST approaches)

GHOST: I've come for you, Cal!

CAL: Please, Sadie. I didn't mean to kill you. It was Al's idea. I didn't want anything to do with it.

GHOST: You must pay!

PRIEST: Are you okay, my son?

CAL: (To others) Can't you see her?!

FLO: We can't see anything.

JOE: Who are you talking to?

CAL: It's her! Sadie. She's come back to haunt me.

JOE: You're nuts, man.

GHOST: I have come to drive you nuts!

CAL: Please, no.

GHOST: I will be with you every day of your life.

CAL: No!

GHOST: I will be never leave you.

CAL: Please, Sadie. I'll do anything you say. Just leave me alone.

GHOST: You must never marry again!

CAL: I won't. I won't.

GHOST: You must never ruin a woman's life like you ruined mine.

CAL: Never again. Remmy, the wedding's off!

REMMY: You mean it?

GHOST: Tell her you mean it!

CAL: I mean it!

GHOST: Now tell her she can keep the club.

CAL: You can keep the club.

GHOST: And you'll never bug her again!

CAL: I'll never bug you again.

REMMY: Promise?

GHOST: Promise her!

CAL: I promise!

GHOST: Now go! Go! Go!

(CAL runs away screaming)

REMMY: You did it!

FLO: Look at him run.

JOE: And the cops are waiting for him around the corner too.

REMMY: Did Pete call the police?

FLO: Pete thought this whole thing up.

REMMY: How did you get a priest to cooperate?

FLO: He's a friend of a friend.

REMMY: Oh, father. I don't know how to thank you.(Goes to him)

PRIEST: I can think of a way.(He kisses her)

REMMY: Father!

PRIEST: Mother. (Kisses her again. Unmasks himself) Surprise!

REMMY: Pete!

PETE: You're safe now, Remmy. I don't think Cal will be bothering you anymore.

REMMY: Oh, thank you, Pete. How can I ever repay you?

PETE: I'm sure I'll think of something.

(They kiss again and lights fade to black)

END OF PLAY