chapter four from wildcat to pussy cat … four from wildcat to pussy cat the saga of lisa kay l isa...

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 7, 2003Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word count =22,433

Ch. 4 Pg. 1

Copyright © 2003 Ralph B. Allison, M.D.

CHAPTER FOUR

FROM WILDCAT TO PUSSY CAT

THE SAGA OF LISA KAY

Lisa Kay was designed and programmed byBecky to protect Sad Marie’s rights. Sheacted out to the ultimate, committing all

those “evil sins” we condemn in our society. AsBecky told me when I complained, “I cannot stopher from acting out. She was made to do what shedoes. But I will stop her before she hurts anyone.”

She drank and smoked. She tried to seduceanyone with pants on. She wanted to have fun in allthe wild and crazy ways Americans have inventedto take risks. She had no shame, and she wanted tobe loved. Oh, how she wanted to be loved andtreated with respect! What she failed to do was totreat anyone else with respect. As a result, LisaKay was the most flamboyant and memorable ofall my patient’s alter-personalities, the ultimate inwhat I called persecutor alter-personalities. Thosewere designed to contain and process the intenseanger all the false-front Maries developed againstthose who brutalized her during the first threedecades of her life. Ultimately, she was a protector,a warrior in the trenches fighting to keep the bodyalive until the Original Marie could come backhome.

**************************The telephone rang. "Dr. A, this is Marie

Kelly calling," the anxious voice said. "I don't likewhat just happened to me."

"What was that?" I asked."I was at home last night and blacked out

at about 9:00 p.m. The next thing I knew, I was ina bar with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in theother! Doctor A, I haven't smoked in 18 years, andI haven't had anything to drink for five years! Thisis terrible!"

"What were you doing when you blackedout?" I asked. The fastest way to determine whathad gone on during her blackout was to find out

what happened just before and just after the periodof amnesia. Those times would provide the brack-ets around her amnesic episode.

"I had my son over for the night," shereplied. "I must have put him to bed, but I don'tremember tucking him in."

"What is the last thing you do rememberdoing?" I asked.

"I was looking at my parents' Bible," shereplied.

"What exactly do you remember readinglast in that Bible?"

"Now I know! I saw the date my parentswere married, and it was just nine months before Iwas born. I remember thinking my mother musthave been pregnant with me when they got married.Then I got this terrible headache and blacked out."

"OK, then, what were you doing when youcame to again?"

"I was in a bar smoking and drinking. Icould see the clock behind the bar; it was 11:30 atnight. My son was at home alone, so I got out ofthere real quick. I went home to check on him. Hewas still asleep, and he was OK. He had beentucked in real neat, but I didn't do it. Who did that,Doctor?"

"I don't know, Marie, but when you get tothe office, maybe we can find out. You have a threeo'clock appointment, you know."

When Sad Marie arrived, she added otherdetails to her story.

"Yesterday I was watching the apartmentswhile my mother was at work. One of the tenantscalled me to complain about his dirty rug. He gotreal angry with me, and I found myself gettingangry right back. Then I heard myself cussing himout, but it wasn't me talking! It must have been


Ch. 4 Pg. 2


somebody else, 'cause I never get mad. I was soupset about it I went to see my brother and mother,who had just gotten home. I told them about it, andMom went over and apologized to him for me."

"That is strange," I allowed."I felt like I did one time when I was eight

years old, and the doctor gave me barbiturates. Hesaid I had abdominal epilepsy. But I know now thatI was just in a dreamy state and didn't feel like Iwas me. The pills made me feel that I was not inmy body, but floating somewhere else. I didn't likethe way I felt, but that was the same sort of feelingI had yesterday. Doctor, what’s wrong with me?"

"Keep going, Marie. What else happenedthen?"

"Well, I could hear Mary Lou calling tome, but I haven't let her out like I promised her Iwould."

"Why not, Marie?" I asked."I don't know, I guess I'm just afraid to.

Actually, the reason is because I don't feel comfort-able with something that I really don't believe istrue. But I also heard another voice say, 'You hateyour father.' Now why would anyone say that? Ilove my father and always have. How could anyonenot love their father? I love my father, I mean it. ILOVE MY FATHER. Nobody has any right to saythat I don't love him. He’s my father, and I have tolove him, because he's my father."

The reason she was so intent on wantingothers to believe she loved her father was becauseshe didn't. She had to convince herself she lovedher father because she had suffered so much abusefrom him. I was going to have to tread lightly onthis subject.

"Some fathers are not very lovable," I said."Have you had any blackouts before?"

"Yeah," she said. "I had one last Januarywhen I took an overdose. I woke up at 5:30 in themorning, but I didn't know what had happened. Ifound myself choking on a bunch of pills in mymouth. I couldn't remember trying to swallowthem, though."

I told Sad Marie to close her eyes. I asked

to talk to whomever was responsible for theseblackouts. I knew there must be one alter-personality responsible for all these situations SadMarie mentioned. The ISH brought to the patient'sawareness events that were the responsibility ofone alter-personality at a time, when it was thatalter-personality's time to be involved in therapy.

When the new one appeared, I went downmy usual list of questions -- name, age now, age oforigin, incident of origin, and purpose of existence.She identified herself as Lisa Kay, age 21, createdwhen her father took her dog away. She did nothave a name of her own until 1971 when SadMarie had a therapeutic abortion. Sad Marie hadplanned to name her second baby Lisa Kay.

"I'm the fighter, Doc. I have to fight forMarie, for everything, since she won't fight foranything for herself. And I'm going to kill Mariefor killing that baby. I'm just waiting until her SSImoney comes in. Then I'll set up a little autoaccident for her after she goes back to Sacramentoto live. That accident won't be too small, though,because I'm going to come back, and she's going todie. The accident's going to be big enough to killher and let me live."

"Why the blackout in January?" I asked."That was to pay her back for aborting the

baby. No one should ever do that!" she retorted."Once I tried to kill her brother when we were bothlittle. And that husband of hers! What a jerk! I gota gun once and pointed it right at him, but he gothis hand on the hammer before I could blow themotherfucker's head off.

"I was the one who shot George, her no-good husband, when Marie caught him in the nudewith her girlfriend after she brought Mark homefrom the hospital. He's a fucking asshole. He wasgreat in bed once, but I took care of him. Hecouldn't keep up with me. He didn't even know thatit was someone else he was screwing! He thoughtit was dear sweet piss ant, Marie! Boy, is he anass!"

"What were you doing out at the bar lastnight?" I continued, controlling my curiosity.


Ch. 4 Pg. 3


"Having fun, what else?" she answered."Somebody's got to have some fun. That piss antMarie won't go anywhere. She just sits around andfeels miserable all the time. I get tired of that shit,so I dress up properly and go out to have a fewdrinks and meet some interesting men. And Doc,don't you dare tell Marie what my name is. Sheisn't strong enough to take that."

That protective feeling of Lisa Kay towardSad Marie was one of the strange paradoxes Inever got used to hearing. Here was an alter--personality determined to kill off her psychicsister, and yet she didn't want me to upset SadMarie by telling her the name of her potentialkiller! It didn't make any sense, but what did in thissystem?

"Are you aware of Mary Lou?" I asked."Sure I am. I've met her before. I let her

out one time when we were in a park, back in1973. We get along OK. She doesn't give me anytrouble. I know about a lot of things that go onwith us."

I was running out of time, and I alwaystold Sad Marie what I had found at each visit. Istood up and placed my right hand on Lisa Kay'sforehead, as she strongly protested that she wasn'tready to leave yet. I could see she was not going tobe an easy one to handle, and I had to let her knowI set the limits of time out in the office, not her.Lisa Kay got up to leave, and I had to stop her. Shewas not going to give up control of the body. Shewas out, she was going to have fun, and nobodywas going to stop her. Lisa Kay was not going togo back under. I moved swiftly and blocked thedoor. Lisa Kay did not like that one bit. With myhand on her head, I persuaded her to return to herchair. I kept Lisa Kay in the chair while I firmlycalled for Sad Marie to come out. Within a minute,the face relaxed and looked depressed, as SadMarie had returned.

I explained to her that I had met a LisaKay, who handled anger and having fun. I sug-gested that she could de-energize her by havingsome fun on her own and accepting any anger that

occurred. I also suggested she allow Mary Lou tocome out when her own eight-year-old son wasvisiting her. She should explain to him that therewas a little girl inside of her who needed to comeout and play once in awhile. She agreed.

*********************************"I've just got to see Dr. Allison, and right

now!" announced Lisa Kay to the mental healthclinic receptionist.

"What should I tell him is the problem?"asked the receptionist.

"You tell him Lisa Kay says Marie isabout to kill herself, and it isn't time for that!" sheannounced. "I've got to stop her, and he's got tohelp me!"

When the receptionist called me with thatstrange message, I came out and ushered Lisa Kayinto my office.

"What is going on, Lisa Kay?" I inquired.I could see Lisa Kay was wrought up, but itseemed strange that she, who had so wanted to killSad Marie, was trying to prevent her suicide.Nothing was as it should be with this patient ofmine.

"This morning Marie had to wait at thedoctor's office, which really pissed her off. Shecan't stand waiting when someone has promisedwhen to see her. The doctor was half an hour late,and she was fuming when he finally called her in.When she got home, her little boy told her therewas some mail for her. She asked her brotherwhere it was, and he said there wasn't any. Thenher mother phoned and told her she heard Mariehad gotten a letter from the Social Security people.Then, Marie knew her brother was lying. She gotso upset she wanted to kill herself with the pills inher purse."

"What happened next?" I asked."I knew it wasn't the right time for her to

die. I will decide when it is time for her to die! Iwant you to talk her out of it," Lisa Kay answered."And I don't want her going back into that Ameri-can River Hospital she was at the last time. Shecan't take any more of that place."


Ch. 4 Pg. 4


What a bizarre situation, I thought. Herewe have a murderous alter-personality coming tome to help rescue her psychic sister from killingherself over a couple of minor irritations, and sheis so concerned that Marie not be traumatized bygoing into the wrong hospital! How weird canthings get?

Since Lisa Kay was acting helpful, Ithought I might as well play it out and let her havea chance to try out that role instead of the persecu-tor role she knew so well.

"All right, Lisa Kay," I said, "close youreyes and go back inside of your head to find Ma-rie." As I spoke in a soft monotone, Lisa Kayquickly went into a trance. "Now look at her andsee the suicidal feelings that are in and around her."I knew that patients who saw auras identified redwith anger and black with evil, so I expected thosecolors to be Lisa Kay's mental picture of SadMarie's anger at the doctor and her brother.

"Now take that red-black energy from herand move it into your arms. I want you to move itfrom her body into yours and then out of you. Thatwill stop her from feeling so suicidal and calm herdown." This was my chance to use my "bottleroutine" in which the patient moves anger energyfrom her body into some object that can then bediscarded in the trash.

I looked around for some handy object thatwould fit into her hand, and all I could find was theroot beer can left in my lunch sack. I took thealuminum can out of the paper sack and put itbetween Lisa Kay's hands.

"Now push all of the suicidal energy fromMarie into this can, Lisa Kay. Push as hard as youneed to to get it all out of her and you." While Iurged her on, her arm muscles tightened andtwitched. Her face was becoming contorted as ifshe was lifting heavy weights. Her breathingbecame labored as if she was pushing concreteblocks in front of her. Her hands gripped the canand slowly her fingers tightened around the alumi-num cylinder, slowly crushing it between her twofists.

Lisa Kay shed that negative energy be-cause she wanted to be the one who told Sad Mariewhen her time to die had come. She would notallow Sad Marie to decide for herself. Control wasLisa Kay's primary need. She wanted and neededthat control, and nobody was going to take it awayfrom her, ever. After all, her "so-called" father hadtaken her dog and killed it, and she had had nocontrol over that. She now had control over SadMarie, and she was going to keep it at all costs.

When Lisa Kay had shoved all of SadMarie's suicidal anger energy into the can, her bodyrelaxed into the chair. When her eyes opened, adepressed, worthless-feeling Sad Marie was incharge.

"Dr. A! What am I doing here? I don'tremember having an appointment with you today?What's this can doing in my hand?"

I patiently explained that her erstwhileenemy, Lisa Kay, had come to her rescue today andhad just saved her life. Her eyes widened at thisnews, but she was glad someone had taken charge.She explained how her brother had lied to her, andshe was upset at getting mixed messages from hermother.

I decided this was the time to solve thisproblem, instead of sitting there talking about howshe felt about having the problem. Why talk aboutit if you can fix it?

"Marie," I said, "I have some free timeright now. You're too upset to drive, so let me driveyou to your apartment. Then we can see if we canstraighten this mess out this afternoon. Is yourbrother still home?"

"He should be, Dr. A.""Let's go to my car and give him a visit."We drove the three blocks to her apartment

house. We walked up to the second floor where shepointed out her brother's apartment.

"Art, it's Marie!" she yelled as she knockedon the door. "Open up. I need to talk to you."

A short thin man in his twenties timidlyopened the door for his sister and her psychiatrist,who stood a head taller than he did. "Come on in,


Ch. 4 Pg. 5


Sis," he said."Art, this is Dr. Allison, my doctor. I was

telling him what you told me about no letter comingfor me and then Mom telling me there was a letterfrom Social Security. He thought we should comeand talk with you to see if we could straighten thisout. Would you please explain to him what youtold me, so we can find out what happened?"

Her brother looked sheepishly at his sisterand nervously shuffled his feet. He was used tokeeping things from his sister, but he hadn'tcounted on her coming home with this big, tallpsychiatrist who loomed over him. Maybe he hadn'tbeen so smart to go along with Mother on this deal."Mom told me not to give it to you, Marie. Shesaid it would get you too upset."

"Then why would she tell me on the phoneI got it, Art?" she asked.

"I don't know, Sis. I was just doing whatshe told me," he mumbled in reply. "I'll get it." Heknew he should have known better than to gethimself caught in another double play between hismother and sister.

He walked over to his desk, opened the topdrawer, and pulled out an official looking envelope,with the Social Security Administration address inthe upper left corner. He handed it to Sad Marie,who found the flap already opened. She pulled outthe single sheet inside. She read it quickly andstarted to cry. I took it from her hand and read arejection letter to her application for SSI. The lastparagraph was what was most important as it toldthe claimant to file an appeal if she disagreed withthis finding. The instructions were on the other sideof the letter.

"They turned me down for SSI, Dr. A,"she moaned. "Now what am I going to do? I mightas well kill myself. I can't keep on going this way.Now Mom will write bad checks for me and goback to jail."

I had heard enough of this sad tale of woe,and I had had plenty of experience with patientswith MPD who had been rejected for SSI. "Don'tworry, Marie," I said. "The facts are different now.

When you filed this, no one knew about these otherpersonalities of yours. I'll write a supplementalreport about what I have discovered, and I'm sureyou'll win the award on appeal." Half the appli-cants were turned down on their original applica-tion, but, of those who appealed, 80% won theiraward.

Marie then had one of her few good ideas.She picked up her brother's phone and dialed hermother's work number. When she got her motheron the phone, her voice was stern and strong."Mom, I'm at Art's place, and I have the SocialSecurity letter. Mom, why did you tell him to hideit and then tell me it had come? . . . Mom, youdidn't have to protect me from seeing it; it was myletter, you know. . . . I've shown it to Dr. Allison,and he says we can win an appeal 'cause he's goingto write a new report on me. So you didn't need tohide it. I can take care of it. . . . Mom, please don'thide my mail from me, ever again! Mom, do youhear me? Don't you ever do this to me again,understand?"

When Sad Marie hung up the phone, herheart was racing. She started to feel guilty fortalking to her mother that way, but she had strengthwith her therapist there. After all, he was going tohelp her get her SSI. He was a wonderful person,even though he told her things she didn't believe.How else could she explain the blackouts? Hisexplanation might be the correct one.

She hung up the phone with a defiant lookin her eyes. Never before had she dared to tell hermother she had done something wrong. It wasalways the other way around, with her motherpushing her buttons, messing with her mail. Thanksto her doctor being there, she had been able to tellher mother off. Maybe there was hope for her afterall!

When the time came for the SSI appealhearing, Sad Marie was living in Woodland, andthe hearing was to be in Sacramento. She would bea danger on the roads if she drove alone, so Ioffered to drive her. Her hands were shaking, andher stomach was tied in knots. She was having a


Ch. 4 Pg. 6


panic attack over the very idea of being at a hear-ing. She was waiting for me when I pulled up toher apartment house the morning of the hearing.

"Hi, Dr. A," Sad Marie said, as she gotinto my car. "I'm sure glad you're willing to drive.This whole thing makes me nervous. By the way,Mom will be coming from her job, so she will meetus there."

I headed for the freeway to Sacramento. Ihoped that Sad Marie would stay calm, as I had nobody guard if she started acting up. In the office, Ialways had arranged to have someone sit in withme, just in case, but I couldn't expect anyone totake the afternoon off because I was scared of onepatient.

Sad Marie was so frightened her voice wasshaking. Inside her head, the voices were talking amile a minute, and she had a horrible headache,having not slept the night before. I tried to keep hermind off the SSI hearing by talking about otherthings, but the only thing she could think about wasgetting the voices to SHUT THE FUCK UP! Shedidn't tell me about what was going on in her headbecause we were not in a therapy session, and Iwas driving. The voices were saying, "YOU AREMINE! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU TONIGHT,MARIE! DON'T THINK WE DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO! YOU ARETRYING TO GET RID OF US, BUT YOUWON'T! WE ARE STRONGER AND YOU AREGOING TO DIE!"

As we drove east on Highway 80, SadMarie did her best to keep up a normal front. Butsoon the tension got the better of her, and shedecided to close her eyes and get some sleep,hoping the voices and headache would stop. Sheknew that I was treating her for MPD, but shedidn't believe it because she never saw anyone, andshe couldn't understand how other people couldinhabit her body and call themselves by othernames. Her body was only one. How could otherslive in it?

I saw through the corner of my eye that shehad shifted in the seat and someone else had come

out. I hoped against hope it wasn't Lisa Kay, as shewas always angry with me. I had no free hand toput on her forehead right now.

Lisa Kay sat there, sassy as ever. "Hi ya,Doc," she started. "Well, here we are on the way toSacramento, to go to the great big SSI hearing. Isure hope we get


Ch. 4 Pg. 7


until the right time. And the right time is whenMarie is dead, and then you are next! This is youronly warning, you fucker!"

This conversation continued the 25 min-utes it took to drive to the office building. Fortu-nately, Lisa Kay only wanted to sit there andbadmouth me, flirt with me and taunt me. Sheloved to get under my skin and see if she couldmake me angry. This time she kept her behaviorwithin the bounds of civility, and the banteringback and forth between us two was about equal.Neither one tried to one up the other one, as neitherwanted a physical confrontation in the car on abusy freeway at high noon. Both of us were carefulto mind our manners and knew how far we couldgo and not really irritate the other one.

As soon as I parked my car at the officebuilding in Sacramento, I was relieved to see thatSad Marie had come back in charge of the body.The timid, depressed patient walked into the lobbywith me. After entering the door marked "Board ofAppeals," we met Mr. Manuel Gonzalez, theparalegal from the Legal Aid Society who had beenassigned to represent her in this hearing. He had allthe papers on her case, but this was the first time Ihad met him.

At 11 o'clock, the clerk opened the door tothe conference room and asked everyone to comein. In the center of the room was a long mahoganytable, with chairs positioned around it. The referee,Henry Stonebridge, a large, stocky man, sat at thehead of the table, farthest from the door to thewaiting room. Sad Marie took the chair to hisimmediate right and Gonzalez sat on her right. I satdirectly across from the referee. Across from Mariesat a man who introduced himself as Mr. HenryTaylor from the Department of Rehabilitation. Theseat next to Taylor was empty. The clerk had herstool and transcription machine near the door,where she could see everyone and record all thatwas said.

"I have here a petition appealing a rejectionof the SSI grant for one Marie Francis Kelly," saidthe referee, as he read through the pages before him

in a most formal manner. He covered all the legalpoints as prescribed by the Social Security code sothat there would be no chance for an argument,once he had concluded this hearing. He had beenthrough this type of hearing many times, and heknew what needed to be done to keep it legal. Afterhe finishing reading the required paragraphs infront of him, he asked Taylor for his report on thisapplicant.

"We have here," said Taylor, "a womanwho has only gone to high school with mediocregrades. She attended one trade school but could nothold down a job in that field. She has been unableto stay out of psychiatric hospitals for any time atall before she attempts suicide again. She has nomarketable talents that I can determine. She isconstantly in a state of crisis and cannot be ex-pected to handle even the minimal stresses of asimple job. I note here that she is now attendingclasses at American River College. I frankly do notsee how that is possible, as she is too disabled forthat, in my opinion. She is totally disabled, I amafraid, and I see no hope for her rehabilitation."

When Sad Marie heard that gloomy pre-diction, she almost bolted for the door. How horri-ble to say that about someone who is in the roomlistening! GOD, how the voices had a field daywith that one after he finished testifying. Theywould not SHUT UP! The voices kept saying,"SEE, WE TOLD YOU, THAT YOU ARE NOGOOD! YOU ARE GOING TO DIE, MARIE, AHORRIBLE AND SLOW DEATH, AND WEARE GOING TO MAKE YOU SUFFER! WEARE LAUGHING AT YOU!"

Referee Stonebridge looked at me and said,"I see here that we have a recent psychiatric reportby Dr. Allison. Would you care to elaborate onwhat you have written regarding this applicant,Doctor?"

I gave a short synopsis of how I had mether at the clinic earlier that year and my subsequentfinding of several alter-personalities. I describedthe hostile and suicidal actions of Lisa Kay andLynn. I could tell Stonebridge was politely skepti-


Ch. 4 Pg. 8


cal. I knew the referee must be used to seeingchronically mentally ill patients at this table look-ing somewhat like how their doctors described intheir reports. Here was a quiet, well behaved,subdued woman sitting before him while her doctordescribed a wild woman. She couldn't be the one hewas looking at now.

While I was speaking, Sad Marie couldn'ttake it anymore, as the voices were driving her outof her mind. Her headache was blinding her, so sheclosed her eyes, and that was all she knew.

Lisa Kay was out like a flash. She hikedup her skirt and swung her legs around so thereferee could see them. She batted her eyes at thereferee while she yelled at the still-testifying doctor,"YOU ARE A LYING TWO-FACED ASSHOLEOF A DICK DOCTOR, AND YOU BETTERSTOP LYING!"

The room was suddenly quiet, and LisaKay knew she had everyone's attention. She thenturned to the referee and asked, "Wouldn't you liketo leave, go for lunch and then do something funafterwards? You get my drift?" She coyly winkedat him.

I looked at Lisa Kay and then at the refereeand said, "Now you can see what I have to dealwithin the office all the time. The person in front ofyou is not Marie but an alter-personality namedLisa Kay. She has joined us and is doing her usualthing."

Lisa Kay retorted, "You bet that I'm notthat PISS ANT, Marie! I'm me, Lisa Kay! NOWSHUT UP! I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU! I'MTALKING TO THE CUTE JUDGE AND NOTAN OLD FART LIKE YOU!"

Turning to the referee, she shifted into herseduction mode. "Judge, now that we got the damndoc to shut his mouth, let's you and I get out ofhere and go for a drink, and really get to know eachother. You are very cute, so let's get it on. What doyou say?"

Stonebridge's mouth was open, but he musthave forgotten to breathe, since, when he didremember, he took a very deep breath.

Lisa Kay just smiled at him like a cat ather prey.

The referee asked me what he could do tostop Lisa Kay, how he could get her to sit outsideso he could finish the hearing.

Lisa Kay did not like being dismissed, andshe just stared at everyone, refusing to leave.Nobody was talking to her, so what fun was that?Lisa Kay decided to retreat for the moment, andSad Marie came back in charge of the body, know-ing only that she had blacked out again. The refereeasked her to leave the room while they finisheddiscussing her case.

Sad Marie hated being dismissed. It washer hearing, so why should she leave? She thoughtit was grossly unfair. But who was she to com-plain? She was a nobody, absolutely a NOBODY!

With that brazen exhibition, Stonebridgewas convinced that his initial skepticism of thepsychiatric report was unjustified. Here he had ahussy trying to make a date with him in front of hisstaff and clients, and he could not call that normalbehavior. His voice and manner clearly indicatedthat no more need be said to convince him that thispatient had other personalities. All he needed to dowas complete the formalities of the hearing.

Stonebridge issued his judgment. "I herebyfind that Marie Francis Kelly is totally disabled asdefined by the Social Security regulations and isentitled to receive a grant of Supplemental SecurityIncome. Now, Dr. Allison, how do you think weshould handle the funds she will now have comingto her?" He was obviously anxious to make surethis claimant not waste her SSI grant or that LisaKay get her hands on it.

I had conferred with the Yolo CountyPublic Guardian to learn how he might help me. Hewas willing to handle Marie’s money and let aresponsible relative stay involved as conservator ofthe person. For a mentally ill person, often theworst person to handle the money was a closerelative. The family relationships were usuallyseverely strained because of problems between thesick relative and the healthier relatives. Money


Ch. 4 Pg. 10


such a high pressure environment. I mentored onesecond year resident at a time at the clinic inWoodland. This month, Dr. Sam Talbert wasassigned to journey with me for a while. I invitedthe ex-USAF flight surgeon to sit in on my sessionswith Sad Marie.

This time, Lisa Kay decided that it wasgoing to be her turn to be the patient. She did notthink there was anything wrong with her, since itwas Sad Marie who was so depressed and suicidalall the time. She liked the looks of that new doctor,Dr. Talbert. So he wasn't as young as the guys shemet in the bars in Davis, but she had a hankeringfor older men, too. After all, they should be moreexperienced, shouldn't they? She showed up for thescheduled session, ready to do her business.

"Hi Docs, how ya doing today?" she pipedup.

"What are you doing here today, LisaKay?" I asked. "By the way, meet Dr. Talbert, whois with us for a while."

"Yeah, he's quite a turn on for an old man.Hey, you guys, I have a great idea. Let's just forgetthis therapy nonsense and skip out of here, OK? Ithink that we could have a fun time this afternoon.After all, you don't have anybody else scheduledafter me. We can go out for a few drinks and seewhat comes next, get my drift? I'll pick up the tab,I've got some money. Well, what do you say? I'mnot as bad as you think, Dr. A. Just give me achance to prove it to you."

"Well, thanks for the invitation, but I thinkI'll pass. My wife wouldn’t like it, plus a doctorand patient can't mix business with pleasure. Howabout you, Dr. Talbert?" I was hoping that theresident, an retired Air Force Flight Surgeon,would catch my drift and reject the invitation to aparty with this patient's alter-personality. I didn'twant to tell Dr. Talbert what to do, but I wantedthe two of us to be solidly unified in rebuffing LisaKay's invitation.

"I think I'll pass, too, Lisa Kay," Dr.Talbert replied. "I've got too many things to learnaround here to go out socializing."

"Well, what a couple of virgins you aretoday! I can't even talk you into coming out for acouple of drinks after the session? I promise nomonkey business. Come on, what do you say?"

"No thanks, Lisa Kay," I said. "Now, let’sget on with therapy, shall we? What would you liketo talk about today?"

"Well, I want to talk about you handsomemen, but if you two are going to be nothing butvirgins to your wives, then I want you to know thatI intend to do Marie in even before she gets thatSSI money. I don't think I can wait that long. Shedoesn't deserve to live. You both know that, right?"

I didn't like that kind of talk. It meant SadMarie was getting more depressed, as her depres-sion always fueled Lisa Kay's murderous impulses.After all, they were a part of the same energysystem inside the mind. What one thought affectedthe other's emotions. I decided I had better get onwith age regression therapy to see if I could under-cut some of the depressing memories I knew werebehind it all.

"Just close your eyes and become youngeras I count backwards," I said. With that, Lisa Kaywent into trance and drifted backwards in time,growing younger by my count. "Twenty-eight, 27,. . . 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5," I intoned. "When you openyour eyes, you will be the five-year-old Marie, ableto talk to me about whatever is important."

When the eyes opened, Lisa Kay was gone,and in her place was the five-year-old girl she usedto be.

This young Marie talked with me aboutrecently leaving the hospital after a tonsillectomy .Her parents didn’t visit her during the first twodays there, and she wondered if something bad hadhappened to them. She also had a little sister now.She complained that her parents played with hersister a lot, but they never played with her.

Her name was Marie Francis, she knew,but she hated that name now. The girl next doorwas named Lou. She decided to borrow that nameand wanted to be called Mary Lou after this. Iagreed to go along with her wishes, now I had


Ch. 4 Pg. 11


discovered where this new name came from.What she couldn't tell this strange doctor

was that the sound of the name "Marie Francis"grated on her ears. But she liked the sound of"Mary Lou." So she had asked her father to call herthat. Now, when he raped or tortured her, hewhispered in her ear, "Mary Lou, my sweet MaryLou." She loved her new name, but she also cameto hate it. She knew what her father was doing toher was wrong, but he told her he loved her whilehe was doing it.

After Mary Lou had explained this, Istarted counting up from five to 28 again, so shecould age progress back to the present. When hereyes opened, it was Sad Marie who was in charge,but only for a moment. She blinked, and Lisa Kaywas there again.

Since this was the time after I had metWendy, a helper, I let Lisa Kay know I had somehelp available. I told her about Wendy, and LisaKay told me I was full of shit. Still, she knew thatI didn't lie, so she asked for proof.

I asked Lisa Kay to write her name on apiece of paper, knowing that when she did, I couldswitch her to automatic writing. She wrote "LisaKay Grayce Spaulding." Then I quietly said,"Wendy, will you please write something for LisaKay?"

Her hand started to move as the pencilseemed to write by itself. "Dear Lisa Kay, you aredone for. [signed] Wendy," appeared on the paperin front of us. Then Wendy came out.

I warned, "Wendy, I feel it is a risky timeright now. Lisa Kay is getting too strong, andMarie is not helping, with all her suicidal tries overevery little thing."

"I know that," Wendy answered. "Lastnight Lisa Kay made Marie take eight of herantidepressant pills. Luckily, they didn't seem to doany harm, or we wouldn't be here today."

"Keep a sharp eye out for trouble, willyou, Wendy?" I suggested. "If Lisa Kay acts outbad enough that you have to stop her, you can 'pullher plug.'"

"What do you mean by that?" she asked.I had told her how, on the psychiatric ward

in Santa Cruz, I had instructed a helper alter-personality of a multiple how to stop a persecutoralter-personality from running out of the ward. Itold the helper that she could "pull the plug" on therunaway one and cause her to faint as soon as sheput one foot outside the ward. The would-berunaway alter-personality then opened the door andpromptly fell on her face in a full faint.Disconcertedly, she came back into the ward on thearm of the nurse and tried to escape again an hourlater. When she woke up with her nose on thelinoleum of the hallway the second time, she de-cided she could not outsmart Dr. Allison that way,so she stayed on the ward until I decided to dis-charge her.

"Inside Lisa Kay there is the same switchyou can pull which will cause her to faint and fallon the floor. If worse comes to worse, just pull thatswitch and stop her in her tracks before she has achance to hurt anyone. Then call me. OK?"

"Sure, I can do that, now that you tell meI can. Well, I'd better let Lisa Kay back now."

With that, she faded from control, allowingLisa Kay to return to consciousness. When LisaKay came back in control, she looked down at thepad and saw the writing. She told me that I was theone who had written the words and signed Wendyto it. I told Lisa Kay that I had not, and there wassomeone else in there to help Sad Marie if anythingmight happen to her. Lisa Kay said, "Nothing willhappen to Marie, until I decide enough is enough,and then I'll kill that BITCH forever and ever."

"Hey, you men," she continued, "I guessyou're going to just have to miss out on all the funtoday. I've got to get back to school to meet with acouple of guys there who are willing to enjoythemselves." With that, she stood up, and sashayedher way out of the office.

We two doctors looked at each other andburst out laughing. What a sight to see this de-pressed, overweight, suicidal patient come in actingall sexy and seductive, thinking she could invite us


Ch. 4 Pg. 12


out for a good old time on the town tonight! Weboth wondered if she had really expected us to takeher up on her invitation to party with her. Thewhole scene was so incongruous and inappropriate,we just could not keep straight faces. What wascoming next, we wondered?

As Lisa Kay walked out to the parking lot,she was also laughing, but with scorn. She wasgoing to fix our wagons. She had pretended she hadforgotten something and went back to the office.She heard us laughing when she went by the door.She was angry and hurt, and she was going to getus -- every last doctor. If she couldn't do that, shewas going to seriously hurt me for laughing at her.She was going to start making Sad Marie's lifemiserable and kill her. She was going to hit, punch,and anything else that she could do to Dr. Allison.How dare he laugh at her! She was just trying to benice. What's wrong with a couple of drinks? Shewas just being sociable. She was going to get herrevenge on him.

I'm going to get that ASSHOLE! SON OFA BASTARD, DR. ALLISON! Marie is mine, andI'm going to prove it! It will be so easy to finallykill her, and I, LISA KAY, will be the only trueperson to live on this earth! Marie is a PISS ANTand does not belong in this world, because onlythe strong should survive, and the weak will die athousand times! I'm the strongest one here andshe is gone. She doesn't exist at all!

A week later, Lisa Kay took over at col-lege and ran toward the street, trying to get hit bya car driving by the school. Wendy remembered myadvice and, as soon as Lisa Kay set foot on thegrass between the sidewalk and the roadside curb,Wendy "pulled her plug" and sent her face down onthe lawn. Before Lisa Kay could recover, Wendytook control of the body and walked to her car inthe parking lot. She drove to a nearby gas stationand phoned me for further instructions.

I told her to drive directly to the Broderickclinic across the Sacramento River to see me. Iwaited for her in the clinic playroom. When shearrived, Wendy appeared quite composed as she

explained what had happened. Then, withoutwarning, Lisa Kay came out and started battlingme with all the anger and hostility that she couldmuster, so angry was she at everyone in the world.

I struggled to keep my skin intact, my eyesin their sockets and my clothing untorn, whilecalling loudly for help from anyone next door. SadMarie’s psychiatric nurse, Jane Parker, heard meand came to my aid. The two of us struggled withLisa Kay all over the floor of that playroom for anhour while I tried to push Lisa Kay back inside andcall out a stronger helper alter-personality.

For a full hour, no one but Lisa Kay wasout, and Parker and I grabbed her wrists andankles, fended off her blows, and listened to themost vulgar swearing imaginable. We tried toexplain to the secretaries, who looked in curiously,that we knew what we were doing and, no, wedidn't need the police yet. Both the doctor andnurse wondered who was craziest here, we or thepatient. We were rolling around the floor with herwhile I kept yelling for a helper to come out, all thewhile trying to keep a hand on her forehead.

I had learned this method of control inSanta Cruz. One day one of my flamboyant multi-ples had told me how the bangs hanging down herforehead upset her when they touched her skin.That evening one of the nurses on the psychiatricward showed me an article reporting that a patientwith MPD could be induced to switch if the thera-pist put a finger or hand in the middle of her fore-head. A Swedish psychiatrist had described thisapproach in an hypnosis journal over a decadebefore. When I tried it on my patient, she immedi-ately switched alter-personalities. My touch on thespot just between her two eyebrows upset herinternal equilibrium and allowed the alter--personality waiting in the "foyer" to come out andreplace the one then in control of the body.

When Lisa Kay had finally dissipated heranger-energy, Sad Marie was able to take controlof the body. She had no idea why she was sittingon the clinic playroom floor with toys scatteredaround as if there had been a tornado through the


Ch. 4 Pg. 13


area, with her doctor and nurse sitting there holdingher arms and legs. All her muscles were sore, andshe could feel her heart pounding as if she had justfinished the marathon.

"What's going on here?" she asked."We've been fighting with Lisa Kay ever

since Wendy brought you over here from college,"I panted. "Thank God you came out. I was aboutready to give up and call for the ambulance."

"I'm not about to go to any hospital," SadMarie responded, getting up from the floor andsitting herself in one of the child-sized chairs in theroom. "I think I'll just go back to college where Ishould be. I'm signed up, and I had better get backto class, or the teacher will drop me. I can't affordto miss any school, or I will lose my grant money."

Parker and I shook our heads. All SadMarie could think about was keeping her collegegrant money, to prevent costing her mother moremoney. What about her safety or her health? Howabout protecting those, too? Sad Marie felt she wasgoing to die anyway, so she didn't care about hersafety or health. She felt she was dead already.

Exhausted, I decided to take charge. Since,at the time I was operating on the hope that MaryLou was the original personality, who could growand mature, I wanted her out to force her to takecharge of this mess. I called again for Mary Lou tocome out, all the time keeping my right palm on mypatient's forehead. I said to Sad Marie, "I'm goingto count to ten and, if Mary Lou isn't out by then,I'm sending you to the hospital. One, two, three . .." As soon as I pronounced "TEN," Mary Lou wasfacing him, wondering why I had called her out.She immediately started playing with the toys onthe floor, ignoring us.

I was really irritated by then. I had stalledthis long, hoping to get control of the situation soI could avoid the complications of a hospitaliza-tion. I had embarrassed myself in front of the clinicstaff by wrestling on the floor of the playroom withan obviously hysterical adult female patient, risk-ing my neck as well as the safety of a nurse. NowI had out the primary personality who should work

with me, and she preferred to play with dolls. Whatmore could go wrong?

"Mary Lou, it is your turn to do somethingfor yourself," I announced. "You have the power totake control of this mess right here and now, and Ihope you will do so. You are the one who has toget rid of Lisa Kay before she kills you or someoneelse. Now do your job and help me!"

"It hurts too much," she moaned."What hurts too much?" I asked, puzzled."Growing up. I don't know that I want to

grow up anymore. I don't know if I even want tolive anymore. It just hurts too much."

With that pathetic announcement, MaryLou disappeared, to be replacedna06Iisa Kay. By

then, I had had enough of this charade. I picked upthe phone, called the local ambulance company andordered an ambulance dispatched to the YoloCounty Mental Health Clinic in Broderick fortransport of one Marie Francis Kelly to YoloGeneral Hospital seclusion room in Woodland.Enough was enough. It was time for me to takecharge and stop waiting for my patient to regaincontrol. I felt I had been patient quite long enoughto allow Sad Marie, or someone inside her, to gaincontrol and avoid hospitalization. Since no oneappeared who was willing and able to do that, Iwas morally obligated to hospitalize my disabledpatient.

With my decision ringing in her ears, IisaKay withdrew from the battlefield, and Sad Mariereturned to operate the body as we waited for theambulance. She stayed in charge while the bodywas peacefully driven off to the county hospital inWoodland.

Iisa Kay was ecstatic. She had accom-plished her revenge against Dr. Allison. Not onlyhad she had a knockdown, drag-out fight with himin the clinic playroom, she had humiliated him infront of his whole staff. Those folks think a doctoris so high and mighty and can do no wrong, shethought. And they give those guys the right of lifeand death over other folks, such as me. I showedhim for what he was, just another big man that I


Ch. 4 Pg. 14


could knock on the floor, kick, hit, bite and bruise.So he is supposed to be our new dad, too.

Well, I don't need him or any other man for a dad.If that nurse, Jane, thinks she is like a mother tous, well, we took her down a notch or two. Both ofthem ended up on the floor of that playroombecause that is where I wanted them -- Down andOut.

I bet neither one of them ever laughs atme again. Now they know what I'm capable ofdoing. Hell, I didn't want to kill Marie when I ranout into the street in front of the college. I knewthat Wendy could stop me. I wanted her to do that.She did what I wanted her to do next, call Dr.Allison and get me into his office when he wasn'tprepared and didn't have his bodyguard around.He's been too afraid of me to face me all byhimself, so I figured a way to get to him on myterms. And that is just what I did.

Lisa Kay had assured the body of MarieFrancis Kelly being sent to Yolo General Hospital.There Mary Lou was primarily in charge, and shecooperated in telling me whatever I wanted to knowabout the origin of Lisa Kay. I needed that knowl-edge to be able to deal with her capably. I had tounderstand her and her origins to figure out what todo next.

I had heard several times in age regressiontherapy that both Lisa Kay and Marie, a youngfalse-front alter-personality, had been createdduring an episode in which her pet dog, Bonnie,had been killed by her father. I needed to focus inon that episode and get the full picture. I askedMary Lou to tell me what she knew of that after-noon.

"It was cold for three days and my cat waslost outside," she said. "My dad wouldn't let me goout and find him. I loved that cat, but he didn'tseem to care. When I did get outdoors, I found himfrozen to death."

She continued, "That meant Bonnie, mylittle Scottish terrier, was my only friend. I knewthat she was the only living thing in the entireworld who loved me, and I didn't have to do any-

thing special for her to love me."One day, I was playing out in the back

yard when Dad came rushing out, yelling that theyhad to get rid of Bonnie since Bonnie was too muchtrouble. Well, she did keep chewing up the flowerbeds, but he had never been so mad about it be-fore."

Then, Mary Lou's face went blank, andLisa Kay appeared in her place. I braced for anonslaught of insults and threats, but she wasmellow and ready to give her version of whathappened that day. Becky, the ISH, had decided totest me again that day to see if I was the correcttherapist for her charge. After my anxious begin-ning in therapy with Sad Marie, Becky and the CIEhad decided to keep testing me to see if I met theirhigh standards. This was why they sent out LisaKay in a helpful mood this time.

"Father was mad at Mother that day," LisaKay related. "He just took it out on Marie. Asusual, Marie thought she had done somethingwrong, but that wasn't the way it was. It wassomething else that was getting Father so mad atthat time."

Since I knew that Lisa Kay had been"born" as the dog was being killed by Father, shecould not know, from her own memory, what hadhappened in the minutes before Father came rush-ing out the back door. I needed to talk to an al-ter-personality who existed before her dog's death,so I politely asked Lisa Kay to let Mary Lou comeback and talk with me. For a change, Lisa Kay wascompletely cooperative and faded, allowing MaryLou to take charge again.

"Mary Lou," I said, "I want you to dosomething different for me now. You were talkingabout how you saw your dad rush out the backdoor and yell about the dog being too much trou-ble. I want you to close your eyes and see in yourmind's eye that scene again, as if you are looking ata movie. As the back door is opening, see your dadcoming through the doorway. As soon as you cansee him in the doorway, freeze that frame of themovie. Stop everything and go into his mind.


Ch. 4 Pg. 15


There, I want you to read his thoughts, feel hisfeelings and tell me what you find there."

Mary Lou cooperated fully and reported tome, "He's mad at Mom, and he needs to get back ather."

"Why?" I asked."Mom is real unhappy about the marriage.

She complained to him that she has no one to loveher, and even Marie has her dog, Bonnie. She tellshim that he is no man, and, if he has any balls atall, he will do one thing right for her. And that is tokill Marie's dog. Then Marie will be as miserableas she is."

"OK," I said, "what happens next?""Father has had it with Mother always

complaining about how no good he is. He cannever do anything right by her. He thinks thatmaybe now he can please her by making Marietotally miserable. If he kills the dog, Mother will behappy because Marie will be more miserable thanher. So he heads out the door to get rid of the dogone way or another."

"What happens then?"At this point the entire scenario began to

unfold in slow motion in Mary Lou's mind. Here iswhat she envisioned:

As he bolts out the back door, Father hashis son's loaded BB gun in his hand. He seesBonnie digging up the flower beds, and that reallygets him going. Father is a perfectionist about hislandscaping and cannot tolerate any animal's clawstearing into it. He has also used that area to punishMary Lou whenever she is bad, when he wouldorder her to weed, prune, water, paint, or sandwhatever needs improvement.

When Father sees Bonnie in the flowers,his mind snaps, and he yells at the dog. Bonniebolts and runs to Mary Lou as she is climbing thesteps to the slide on the Jungle Gym in the play--yard area. As Bonnie tries to climb the steps withher, Father grabs Bonnie by the collar and yells atMary Lou. As he drags the dog away, Mary Loureaches the top of the slide where she can seeFather jerking on the dog's neck. Suddenly Mary

Lou is no longer there, and a new Marie is created.Marie slides down the slide, crying all the way, andruns to her father, begging him not to hurt Bonnie.She pleads, "Please, I'll do anything for you, justdon't hurt Bonnie, she didn't do anything wrong!Please, I'll fix it!"

Marie holds onto her father's leg until hekicks her off. Then she disappears, to be replacedby the new Lisa Kay. She starts to kick, hit, punch,and bite him, all the while yelling to him, "DON'TKILL BONNIE!"

Father yells at Lisa Kay, "STOP THATOR YOU’RE GOING TO HURT FOR A LONGTIME!"

Lisa Kay hollers back, "YOU CAN KILLME INSTEAD! JUST DON'T KILL BONNIE!"

Father kicks Lisa Kay out of his way, butshe goes after him again.

At that moment, Lisa Kay sees her motherstanding in the back doorway, watching the dramawith a sick grin on her face.

Bonnie is trying to bolt and run away, butFather has a tight hold around her neck, and he stillhas the BB gun under his other arm. Lisa Kay yellsagain that she was going to make him pay if hehurts Bonnie, but he just laughs and tells hisdaughter, "YOU JUST WATCH!"

He ties one end of the leash to Bonnie'scollar and the other end to the garage doorknob. AsLisa Kay grabs onto one of his hands, he raises theBB gun with the 20 pellet magazine with his otherhand and fires the first shot at Bonnie. The dogyelps in pain, and Lisa Kay disappears. Mariecomes back, stops fighting with her father and goeslimp like a rag doll. She glances up into his eyesand is shocked to see a look of joy as he gazesdown at his daughter's face. He fires the next shot,and the next, and the next, until Bonnie can nolonger cry out.

Bonnie is still breathing when he runs outof pellets, so he goes into the garage to finish thejob.

When Marie sees her father stop shootingher pet, she thinks it was safe to hold her. With her


Ch. 4 Pg. 16


dog in her arms, she sings, "My Bonnie lies overthe ocean; my Bonnie lies over the sea; my Bonnielies over the ocean; oh, bring back my Bonnie tome!"

When Father comes out of the garage witha shovel in his hands, Marie is still holding Bonnie,and he tells her to step away. "NO," she yells back.When she sees her father raise the shovel in the air,Marie runs away, hearing the blade cracking downon the dog's skull.

When the dog is finally dead, Mother goesback inside the house. Father puts Bonnie's carcassin the trash can and tells his daughter, "If you everget out of line or don't do what I tell you to, I'll dothe same to you." That warning stayed with her foras long as he was alive, making it impossible forher to tell anyone what he had been doing to her.

When I had heard the gist of the story, Iwas quiet for a long time. The emotions in theroom were too much to intellectualize about.Finally, I had to put it into context for my pres-ent-day patient, Mary Lou.

"Now that I know the truth," I said, "I cansee that you were not the one at fault. You did allyou could to save Bonnie, but you were not big orstrong enough to stop your father. The other thingyou can see now is that your mother issued theexecution order, while your father carried out thesentence. You were only eight years old, but youdid all you could do to stop them. I can't see thatthere was any more you could have done."

Mary Lou saw my point. All these yearsshe had been filled with guilt at somehow havingbeen at fault for causing her father to do what hehad done to Bonnie. Now she could see that it wasnot her fault, and she didn't have to feel guilty anylonger.

*****************************In September of 1978, Sad Marie was

admitted to Woodland Memorial Hospital Psychi-atric Ward for the first time, under the care of Dr.Romero. Michelle had reported that Lisa Kay hadstored butcher knives in the trunk of their car andrazor blades in the glove compartment. After I sent

her off to the hospital, I called her mother andasked her to check her daughter's car to find anysuch weapons.

Mother knew her daughter with the cre-ative imagination had put one over on her gullibledoctor again. Knives and razor blades in the car,indeed! To show him for the fool that she knew himto be, she went to Sad Marie's car to prove to himthat her daughter had not hidden weapons there.

She opened the passenger door and pushedthe glove compartment latch. To her surprise, thereon top of the maps were five single edged razorblades, still in their paper wrappings. Well, he'ssure not going to find those, she thought to herself.He's not about to find out that Marie told the truththis one time. She picked up the five blades andput them in her dress pocket, intending to mix themwith her own in her bathroom.

She then went around to the rear of the carand opened the trunk with her key. She lookedunder the papers and flares and, to her amazement,found three knives that she recognized belonged tothe carving set she had given her daughter as awedding present. She wrapped them in one of theold newspapers in the trunk, and carried her bootyback into her daughter’s apartment.

After she had replaced the knives wherethey belonged, she called me at the clinic. "Dr.Allison, this is Marie's mother. I wanted to let youknow that I checked Marie's car for those knivesand razor blades you told me about, and I couldn'tfind a thing like that. I checked and checked, butthere were none in her car."

She smiled to herself. She was not about tobuy the doctor's cockeyed notion that her daughterhad any sort of a mental disorder, and certainly notone where she would use weapons. After all, shehad raised Marie to know right from wrong andnever to do wrong. So she would just have to getthe doctor to realize just how unreliable her daugh-ter was. You just couldn't believe a thing she saidsometimes!

I thanked Sad Marie's mother for reassur-ing me that I had overreacted to this suicidal threat.


Ch. 4 Pg. 17


I was glad I had already told Dr. Romero about theknives and razor blades. I would just keep quietabout the patient's mother's negative report andavoid looking like a fool to the hospital staff. Whywould a helper like Michelle lie to me? She wassupposed to be incapable of lying. What would shehave gained by fibbing about something as seriousas this? Did she want me to put Sad Marie in thehospital for some other reason? Did she fake areport of a supply of weapons to con me intoadmitting a patient who really didn't need to behospitalized? I had better be careful listening toMichelle after this, if she had not been honest withme.

When I visited Sad Marie in the hospital,Wendy told me Lisa Kay intended to use her lighteras a flame thrower, so I confiscated it. Wendy alsoreported Lisa Kay was hiding knitting needles onthe ward, so I warned the nurses about them.Further interviews give me the impression that LisaKay was mostly bluff by now, as she was gettingweaker.

During a follow-up visit in the clinic, LisaKay came out and actually discussed her unhappymarriage with George Kelly. "Dr. A, you probablyfigured out that I was the one who first had sexwith George right after he married Marie. I thoughtthat he might like Marie better if he thought shewas a sex bomb, so I did everything I knew withhim, and a few things that I invented just for him.But, after a while, he started getting mean and triedto hurt her bad. Then I would have to come back togive him some more wild sex so he would lay offthe beatings."

I nodded patiently as I learned how LisaKay had used her seductive talents to keep Kelly atbay when he was angry at Sad Marie.

She continued. "A year later, Marie foundshe was pregnant. George was doing great on hisjob then and said maybe they could move to abetter apartment. But that night, when Marie wastaking a shower, George came in. He pushed her upagainst the tile wall and told her there was no wayshe was going to have another child. I had to take

over. I slapped him hard and told him to get off meor I would kill him. He started hitting me in thestomach. I yelled, 'You can't kill me! I'm Lisa Kay,and I will destroy you!' He slammed my head intothe wall. I lost control, and Marie curled up in aball on the shower floor. George was determined tokill that baby, and he did."

"How did she survive that night?""She crawled into their bedroom and called

her doctor. She told him she had started bleeding.She didn't tell him about the beating. The doctortold her to have her husband drive her to the hospi-tal pronto. That night he did surgery and found hehad to take out her right ovary, George had hurther so bad. No matter how the doctor asked her toexplain where she got those bruises on her belly,she would only tell him that she had slipped in theshower and must have hit the door handle realhard."

This was the first time she talked about thereal difficulties she had had with other live peopleand did not transfer these feelings to Sad Marie orsomeone in the present-day world. I was relievedthat I had finally been able to get beyond thedramatic presentation of Lisa Kay's hostilities thathad been generated by men in her past and werenow being expressed toward inappropriate men inher present, as well as toward her own "psychicsister," Sad Marie.

During the next session, Lisa Kay dis-cussed the real problems with ex-husband Kelly,and I was now able to understand some of thedynamics that had existed between them. I learnedwhat both of them contributed to the conflict,instead of only hearing what the abused wifewanted a sympathetic listener to hear. For a changeI could see what both parties contributed to theirbattle between the sexes and how Lisa Kay's battlewith Father at her "birth" was continued with anunsuspecting, but equally uncivilized, GeorgeKelly.

******************************When Lisa Kay and I had completed our

second productive interchange, Wendy came out to


Ch. 4 Pg. 18


tell me why Sad Marie felt compelled to visit herfather's grave frequently, where she would sit and"talk to him." I had never heard of this pilgrimagebefore, and it certainly stirred my curiosity. Whywould an adult daughter repeatedly sit at thegravesite of a man who had physically and sexuallyabused her all her life?

I decided to try to duplicate the experiencein the office. If she thought she talked to her fa-ther's spirit at the grave, where a corpse is buriedsix feet under the turf, there was no reason why shecouldn't talk to her father in my office as well.There was no real communicating being done at thegravesite, or was there? As far as I knew, allcommunication was inside Marie's mind, whichalways accompanied her body to my office.

"Marie, I want you to sit there and go intotrance," I intoned. "When you are deeply in trance,I want you to open your eyes and look at the otherchair in my office. In that chair you will see yourfather, sitting quietly. He will not move, so hecannot hurt you. He will only be able to talk toyou. When you see him, I want you to talk to himexactly as you do when you visit him at his grave."

Sad Marie did as I instructed, and, uponopening her eyes, she looked at the previouslyempty chair. There she saw a familiar man, aghostlike image of her father, with his hair long andstringy, his face gaunt and somber. She stared fora moment, but could not stand the sight, and sheretreated back into her mind in fright.

Lisa Kay yelled at me, "What the hell doyou think you are trying to do to her, you bastard?Why can't you just leave her alone? Why can't youjust let it drop? He was an asshole, just like you!He is dead and gone! Just leave it alone, damnyou!"

She retreated in fright, to be replaced by afrightened Mary Lou. She screamed, "Stop this,please stop this! I can't do this, Dr. A! He hurtsme! Make him go away! I'm scared! Make him goaway! Please, can't we talk about something else?Make him go away!"

She, too, retreated, to be replaced by

Michelle. "Doctor, sometimes your ideas don'twork so well. They are all too afraid of that man,and now is neither the time nor the place to makethem face him. Why don't you give Wendy and mesome time to talk to Mary Lou and see if we canget her curious enough to talk to him? She needs toget over her terror from his beatings first, beforeshe can approach him at all. Will you give us timeto do that before you continue in this direction?"

I felt appropriately chastised, realizing Ihad pushed too hard again to confront my patientwith the truth, before checking with the insidehelpers to determine if my patient could handle it.I had to admit that the helpers were being quitepatient with me, waiting for me to develop thecaution needed to match my therapeutic enthusi-asm.

The following week, Michelle informed methat Mary Lou was now ready to face her father inmy office chair. I repeated my instructions, and shecooperated. When she opened her eyes, she clearlysaw the image of her father in the empty chair. Sheasked him a series of questions, and, with myprompting, told me what her "father" replied to her.

Mary Lou: Why did you make usbelieve in Santa Claus?

Father: Because I loved you, and I wantedyou to believe in something.

Mary Lou: Then why did you keepspanking us?

Father: I don't know.Mary Lou: Why did you take Marie's

dog away?Father: The dog kept digging up the

flowers.Mary Lou: Why did you hit Marie's

mom?Father: Because she wouldn't do what I

wanted her to.Mary Lou: What about when Marie

fainted in her room?Father: Marie woke up and hit me.Mary Lou: Why did you stop seeing

me after leaving Mom?


Ch. 4 Pg. 19


Father: Stop feeling sorry for yourself,Marie.

Mary Lou: Why was I never goodenough for you in school?

Father: I wanted your brother to do betterin school, and we were more concerned with yoursister since the doctor said she wouldn't live verylong.

Interspersed with these questions andanswers were comments like, "He lies, he's nottelling the truth." At this point in the "conversa-tion," she began staring around the room as if shehad never been there before. I recognized this asthe sign of a new alter-personality making herselfknown for the first time. I asked who was there.

"I'm Gwen," she said. "Where am I?""You're in my office, Gwen," I replied,

getting ready for my usual introduction to newlyarrived alter-personalities. "What do you like todo?" I had to quickly identify her as a helper or ahindrance, so I would know whose side she was on.

"Oh, sometimes I help one side and some-times the other," she said, apparently reading mymind. "For a while I will help the side that wants toget rid of me, and then I will help the side thatwants to keep me stable."

"How long have you been around?" Iasked, continuing the probing.

"Since Marie was three, when she took theaspirin. There were other nasty ones inside of herthen, but they hadn't grown up into personalitiesyet."

"And what do you talk to Marie about,Gwen?" I continued.

"I like to get Marie depressed when I talkto her. Then, when she is all down in the dumps, Itry to help her think of good things. I love to seeher go way down and then way up. That sureconfused the doctors she saw before you camealong. They didn't know what to call her problem,since I kept her on that roller coaster all the time.You should have seen how confused I got thosedocs!"

"What else would you like to tell me?" I

added."Michelle won't tell you this," she said,

conspiratorially, "but there are others inside hereyou haven't seen yet. There's a tomboy side, onewho likes to climb trees and is mischievous. Thatone is more masculine than feminine. Eventually,he will come out as a boy called Jack. He doesn'tyet know his name is Jack, but that is the nameassigned to him. After Marie burned her dress,Jack got some matches and wanted to see what firewas like. He set a curtain on fire, which terrifiedMarie."

I figured that, since Gwen had come outduring an "interview" between Mary Lou and herfather, she ought to know something about thegravesite visiting situation. "Why does Marie feelpulled to her father's grave?"

"At his funeral, the casket was closed, soshe didn't believe he had really died. Since herfather had rejected her so many times, she felt sheshould do something to gain his love. She feels thathe cannot reject her anymore, so she goes to hisgrave and talks like she had wanted to when he wasalive. Sometimes she goes away feeling good,sometimes bad. She goes every day. She and theother personalities can actually hear him callingher; the force behind him is that strong."

What a strange story! Now what was Igoing to do with this information? How couldGwen be on both sides of the morality fence? Howcould an alter-personality be both a helper and apersecutor? She was breaking one of the primaryrules I had learned in my years of treating multiplesso far! What was going on here?

I learned later that Gwen was an alter--personality who had been created by identificationwith a neighbor girl who had a dual personality ofher own. She had only her original personality untilshe was eight years old, when she was raped by anuncle. That was when she made her angry, devi-ous-thinking alter-personality. Sometimes the angryone would be out when Marie came over, andsometimes the sweet, kind one was out. Marienever knew which one she might be playing with


Ch. 4 Pg. 20


next.When she created another personality, she

made one that included both sides of Gwen. Thealter-personality, Gwen, had no morality and sawherself as God, being able to do anything shewanted with Marie. Gwen was a snitch or a spy.Sometimes she helped the hostile ones and some-times the helpers. She was a double agent wholived a double life.

While I was thinking about the conversa-tion with Sad Marie’s “father,” Lisa Kay cameforth and patiently waited until I composed myselfand could pay attention to her. She appreciatedhow confusing this data was to the doctor, and shefound herself actually feeling sorry for me. "Dr. A,please bear with us. This is as confusing to us as itis to you. But you have to remember that we allneed to accept the image of Marie's father so wecan understand his reasons, even if we don't likehim. I know I've been rough on you, but maybenow you can get an idea of how hard this has beenon us, too."

Lisa Kay continued to explain. "Dr. A, allof us hated Marie's father, and we were all hurt byhim in one way or another. He hurt each of usdifferently. That's why we hate men and treat allmen the way Marie's father treated us. He torturedus, had sex with us, beat us, and took us down tosize with his threats. Marie's brother and sisterwere safe because we were the targets of hisabuse."

In subsequent sessions, Lisa Kay contin-ued to cooperate and talked to me about her rea-sons for being hostile to men. She told me it wastime I met Jack, the male personality Gwen hadtold me about. She went inside to find Jack andsend him out.

Jack was definitely different from all thoseI had met before. “He” eyed all the air condition-ing/heating ducts in the office and got up from thechair so "he" could inspect all of them personally,close up. "He" walked around the room acting likea building inspector. When "he" came to the book-shelf, "he" pulled out the medical dictionary to look

up "EEG" and "Multiple Personalities."I finally talked "him" into sitting down

again and started my usual interrogation. Jack wasnamed for the boy across the street, Jack Laney,who kept giving Marie a hard time. "He" wasformed as an identification with her father, so thatshe would be favored by her father. Marie believedthat Father wanted her to be a boy, so Jack wascreated to do the tomboy activities. "He" felt "he"was 30 years old, and "he" hated her "weird"brother. "He" had come out the previous Friday tochange Sad Marie's oil and fix the spark plugs inher car. "He" was intensely interested in football,baseball, and hockey. "He" knew how to ice skate,something no other alter-personality could do. "He"hated Lisa Kay, but "he" also wanted to get rid ofMarie, while staying alive himself.

I had heard almost exactly the same storyin several of the multiples I had treated before. Alittle girl is treated badly by a male chauvinistfather, who appeared to favor sons over daughters.Trying to please such a father, as a girl, seemsimpossible. The girl child then tries "pretending" tobe a boy, hoping to fool the father into liking her.She makes a boy out of the characteristics she seesin her culture as masculine interests, such as sportsand cars. She denies her own femininity and createsa parody of masculinity, based on what she seesaround her. In this case, "he" was two years olderthan "she" was, so maturity was also defined as acharacteristic of masculinity.

Shortly after that session, I was talking toan age regressed Mary Lou at age three. She kepttalking about how she knew her father didn't loveher because he kept saying so. I decided to use the"frozen frame mind reading" technique to see if thethree-year-old could find out why her father saidthat.

"Mary Lou," I said, "I would like you tosee your father sitting in this chair in the office. Iknow it is hard for you to see him and talk to him,but I assure you I will keep him in the chair so hecan't do anything to you. I just want you to ask himsome questions. Will you do that?"


Ch. 4 Pg. 21


"If you're sure he can't hit me," she an-swered.

"I'm sure he won't, 'cause I'm here toprotect you."

She squirmed in the chair, but seemed tocalm in a moment and focused her attention on theempty chair. I could see that her face had com-pletely calmed down, and then I heard her voicetake on a softer, older tone.

"Her father doesn't like her," she said. "Healways wanted a boy first, and, when she was born,he was disappointed. He had just come out of thewar, met her mother, and married soon after that,looking for some stability."

"Who's talking now?" I asked. It wasobvious it wasn't Mary Lou, since "she" wastalking in the third person about her.

"I don't have a name, but I'm the one MaryLou used to go into the bedroom to talk withwhenever she felt rejected by her father."

"At what age did she make you?""At two."At that point, the face changed and the

three-year-old Mary Lou returned. I figured we haddone enough for that session and age progressedher to the present.

When I talked to Mary Lou about thisconfidant of hers, she decided she would call herDusty. She liked that name for a helper.

Mary Lou also told me about the timeslater when the family would go to church. She satlistening to the sermon while her younger brotherand sister were sent to play in the nursery. Sheremembered hearing the preacher say it was theword of God that no one should get angry. Shewondered if God ever got angry, and then shedecided that He couldn't, if He thought that wasevil. The preacher said God was all good, so Hecouldn't do anything evil. She knew that sometimesshe got angry, just a little bit, so that must meanshe was evil. Maybe that was why her father toldher he didn't like her, because she was evil, becauseshe got angry at him.

I knew that any emotions, including anger,

were not the primary creation of the human mind,but secondary results of thinking certain thoughts.I came to realize that if one thought one was indanger of being hurt by another person, then FEARwould be a natural feeling to have. If a young girlhad been raped repeatedly by a father whom sheexpected to love and care for her, hatred of thefather for betraying his trust would be a logicalfeeling for her to have. Such hatred would be anautomatic result of her thinking a certain set ofthoughts, such as "My father, who is supposed totake care of me, has hurt me over and over again."I HATE HIM would be a natural feeling to havefor such girls. Hating a continuously abusive fatherwas not a conscious choice the little girl made. Thefeelings were engendered by the thoughts she hadafter the misbehavior of her father. We all expecta certain pattern of behavior from certain people inour clan. When such expectations are not fulfilled,we become emotional at being betrayed, hurt, orwhatever happens that is unpleasant and unex-pected.

The logical solution to the problem ofhaving people filled with hatred toward others isnot to forbid everyone from hating, as that onlyengenders guilt in the listener and hateful feelingstoward the preacher. The answer would be insomehow having the hater change his or herthoughts about the object of the hate, to get him orher to think of the hated one as one who was pitied,ignored, or loved.

That process is called "cognitive restruc-turing." It requires the patient to see the situationfrom another point of view. I was usually dealingwith someone who perceived herself as "victim." Avictim can always justify hating the "villain." Whenthe victim can put herself into the role of thevillain, then her point of view changes, and herfeelings will change as well. Such was the reason-ing behind the "frozen frame mind reading" tech-nique and many of my other psychotherapy meth-ods.

Over the next several weeks, Lisa Kaykept planning and failing to kill Sad Marie. One


Ch. 4 Pg. 22


date after another was picked for the "execution,"only to be foiled by one of the protectors inside.Lisa Kay repeatedly referred to Sad Marie's guilt atallowing her second child to be aborted, althoughseveral of the helper alter-personalities had decidedshe should not be allowed to raise another child. Itwas her "psychic sisters" who had asked for theabortion on the grounds of Marie's psychiatricillness, and the doctors at the hospital had allagreed. The main problem was that someone hadscheduled it for Valentines Day of that year.

In an attempt to help Sad Marie get adifferent viewpoint on the abortion, I decided to trya dramatic experience. I hoped the ISH and theCIE could use their creative skills to help mechange Sad Marie's mind about her guilt fromhaving had the abortion. I asked the ISH and theCIE to fetch the spirit of the aborted fetus so "she"could tell me and Sad Marie what it felt like to beaborted! This was the fetus whose name wasplanned to be Lisa Kay.

I didn't expect to actually be able talk tothe spirit of an aborted fetus, but I had a goodreason to ask this be done. In Santa Cruz, I hadtalked to the “spirit of a dead friend” of one of mymultiples, only to find that this “spirit” had beeninvented by her ISH to give her a dramatic lessonas part of her therapy.

With my prior experience interviewing the“spirit of a dead friend” of my patient, I hopedMarie's ISH and the CIE would be as creative inthis situation. I asked Mary Lou to regress back toage 21, when Marie was pregnant for the secondtime. A 21-year-old Marie showed up as requestedand told me she had not yet told her husband aboutthe new pregnancy. I asked her to imagine herbaby's spirit coming up from her uterus into herhead and coming out to talk to me, using her vocalcords. I told her that I wanted to talk to the baby tofind out what it was like to be almost born.

She agreed to let me talk to her unbornbaby that way. In a moment, her face changed tothat of a sweet infant who had no name. When Iasked her what she knew about her surroundings,

she told me she had watched her mother-to-bechange from one personality to another so fast shewas confused. She also saw her father-to-be actingangry and hostile all the time and beating up hermother-to-be.

"I'm not very happy thinking of what it willbe like being born into this family," the "fetus'sspirit" said. "It looks too much like it would be arepeat of what happened to Marie in her family,and look how she turned out!"

I had no argument with that logic. I askedher to write a note stating her attitude if she shouldnot be allowed to be born. I needed something inwriting to show to Sad Marie when she came out oftrance.

She wrote, "If I were not to be born intothis family, I would wait for another family thatwas loving, and everything will be all right. I wouldnot be unhappy not being allowed to be born intothe Kelly family. [Signed] Lisa Kay Grayce Kelly."

That exercise completed, I thanked the"spirit" and told her she could go back into Marie'swomb. I then age progressed my patient back to thepresent and told Sad Marie what I had seen andheard.

She listened in disbelief as I told her thisridiculous, impossible story, wondering why I hadnow started lying to her. When I handed her thewritten note, she knew I had not made it up.

She blacked out, and Lisa Kay took over.She grabbed the note, reached with her other handfor her cigarette lighter and set fire to the paper.When it was burning intently, she put it in theashtray on the desk, carefully keeping it out of myreach until it was nothing but gray ashes.

As soon as Sad Marie returned, I showedher the ashes of the note she had read. She stilldidn't believe a word of what I had said or she hadread. I asked her why Lisa Kay came out andburned the note if it hadn't been true. She had noanswer.

At a later session, I thanked Faith, a CIE,for having manufactured this "fetus's spirit" that Ihad tried to use to help Sad Marie get over her


Ch. 4 Pg. 23


constant guilt about having aborted the pregnancy.Faith asked me, "What do you mean, manufac-tured?"

I said, "Well, I know there is no way Icould have really talked to the spirit of her fetus.That's impossible. I know you must have made thewhole thing up to try to get Marie over her guilt. Iwant to thank you for all your help."

"But doctor," Faith patiently explained,"we didn't make it up. You asked for the spirit ofSad Marie's baby that was aborted, and we got itfor you. That is whom you were talking to. Didn'tyou realize that?"

I gulped and swallowed my next words. Ididn't know what to say. I was trying to be politeand thank a CIE for creating an artificial spirit soI could persuade my patient it was real. Now shewas telling me it was real! I couldn't believe whatI was being told, but a CIE never lies. What couldI say?

Sad Marie was unmoved by the entiredemonstration. She continued to believe she was asinner for having had the abortion, even though ithad been sanctioned by her ISH and arranged byher helper alter-personalities. Lisa Kay still playedon that guilt string, using it frequently to push herinto a suicidal depression. Real or not, my inter-view with the spirit of an unborn fetus had notherapeutic value for my guilt-ridden patient.

***************************During the spring semester of 1979, Sad

Marie was in and out of the hospitals because ofLisa Kay's frequent suicide threats. Once, whileLisa Kay was telling me how she hated all men,including her son, her ex-husband and her psychia-trist, her hand was writing a note to me. Becky thuswarned me Lisa Kay had hidden razor blades in theashtray of her car in the clinic parking lot. WhenLisa Kay had vented the hatred of her father thatshe had displaced to the entire male half of thehuman race, Becky took over and walked with meto Marie's car. There we found a package of singleedged razor blades in the ashtray, just as Beckyhad warned.

Such episodes wreaked havoc with SadMarie's school attendance. Even though she haddropped all but two courses, Physical Educationand Intermediary Sign Language, she couldn't keepup with the assignments in the sign language class.The teacher, a middle-aged male, had told her shemight as well withdraw from the course, or other-wise she would flunk. He was trying to keep herfrom having an F on her record, since such a gradewould be impossible to remove later. But Lisa Kaytook this teacher's well meant advice as the samesort of hurt her father had inflicted on "them" at theage of two, when he raped Marie and she becamephysically ill with disgust and self-loathing.

On the next visit to the clinic, Lisa Kaycomplained this terrible teacher had "kicked Marieout of his course just because she had been in thehospital," making him sound like an ogre. Shewalked around the office moaning about the fire inher belly, describing it like a small campfire thathad turned into a raging conflagration of an entireforest. All the personalities were as sick as shewas, and several came out to complain of the samefire in their guts.

Only Jack, the male, was immune from this“burning belly syndrome,” and he amazed me bycasually trotting around the room, inspecting thelight fixtures to see how they worked, and havingnary a complaint of physical discomfort. I had beentrained in a traditional medical school where onelearned that when the body got sick, it was sick.There was no explanation of how it can be sickonly if certain personalties are in charge, but notsick when a personality that is delusional in think-ing it is of the opposite sex is in charge. None ofthis made sense to my scientifically trained mind.But there it was right in front of me. The ladieswere miserable, but the gentleman was not. Ichallenge anyone to explain how it could happen,but happen it did.

Another surprise to me was the concurrentill health of Becky, the ISH. When she came out todiscuss the crisis with me, she looked very peakedand wan. She explained that she had become


Ch. 4 Pg. 24


contaminated by helping out too long and too hard.Her humanitarian efforts had not only exhaustedher personal and limited supply of energy, but shehad become infected with the "germs" of the humanside of her charge, as if she were a toxic wastedisposal expert. No one had yet invented a decon-tamination suit she could wear on the site whendealing with the explosive anger, putrid resentment,and burning desire for revenge. She needed avacation during which she could partake of cleans-ing rituals to recharge her spiritual batteries.

Becky sent out Honey, a lovely helper, tomeet me. She sweetly introduced herself andassured me Becky had briefed her on all thatneeded to be done during the time Becky would berecuperating. She had already started the healingprocesses that would bring a halt to the bellyachesnow experienced by the various alter-personalities.I added a prescription for a stomach sedative andantispasmodic to Marie's psychiatric medicationorders. Never let it be said that my knowledge ofpharmacology would be unavailable to my patientsin their times of need!

The next visit found Lisa Kay chipper andfree of abdominal pain. In the interim, Sad Marie'sback had been giving her trouble again, as it hadfor years, and she had gone to the Yolo CountyHospital orthopedic clinic for help. The doctor hadordered an orthopedic corset for her, and sent herto the man who did the fitting for such garments.The fitter had been too familiar with her body withhis hands, and she had felt violated. Sad Mariedidn't know what to do, so she went into hiding asher only defense. This allowed Lisa Kay, the manhater, to take over, and she had enjoyed full controlof the body for the subsequent two days until shecame to my office.

To investigate the complaint, I called outSad Marie to determine exactly what the fitter haddone to upset her. Her description made it clear tome that I needed to alert the administrator that hishospital might have a serious legal liability becauseof that fitting room employee. I called Wendy outand advised her to write a letter of complaint to the

hospital administrator, whose name and address Isupplied. She appreciated my taking this complaintseriously and telling her how to file a formalcomplaint. Sad Marie later learned that the manwas fired, as her complaint was only one of severalby female patients.

**************************Now I talked to Sad Marie about the early

sexual trauma that this episode reminded her of.She told me it came from her first birthday, whenher mother had baked a cake for her. Her fatherappeared jealous after he saw how much time andattention Mother was spending, making the cakefor her.

After the birthday party was over, Mothercleaned up the food and dirty plates and preparedto go to work. She dressed baby Marie in cleannightclothes and put her in her crib. She left forwork as usual that afternoon, leaving Marie alonein the house with her father.

After his wife had gone, Father came intoMarie's bedroom and leaned over the crib, breath-ing heavily in her small face. "I hope you likedyour birthday party," he rasped in a hoarse whis-per. "Now I want to give you my special gift foryour birthday. I'm going to give you somethingspecial, something you will really enjoy. I'll showyou a special love that is meant for two people toenjoy together."

He removed all of Marie's nightclothes andthen her diapers. When she was lying there naked,he stripped off his own clothes, leaving them in apile by her crib. Then he picked up her tiny body,clutched it to his own bare chest and walked slowlyto the master bedroom.

There he stretched out on the bed face up,holding Marie above him. When he lowered her tohis abdomen, she could only see the ceiling. Slowlyand steady, he massaged her between her small legswhile she heard him tell her, repeatedly, "I love youso much; you are my special person; I love you somuch; this shows how much I love you." With onehand exploring her genitals, and the other reachingfor his, he masturbated the both of them while


Ch. 4 Pg. 25


moaning and shivering as he reached his climax.

After telling me the story of this firstincestual experience, Sad Marie could barely talk,and whispered, "Father hurt me, and he hurt me allthe other times he did that. I must have done some-thing awful for him to hurt me that way so often. Imust have been a bad girl, 'cause he had to punishme."

Before I could answer her, she was re-placed by an angry Lisa Kay. "Now you see whatthe bastard did to her!" she snapped. "Now maybeyou can see why I hate all you Goddamned men somuch! And her father's birthday is coming up onJune 14, so I've got some plans for Marie then!You just wait and see what I'm going to do to herthen!"

She then faded to be replaced by Lynn. Iexpected a fight from her, but she was unexpect-edly mellow this visit. She reminisced about someof the other traumas of the early years and evenwrote a note for Sad Marie. "Marie -- Neither yourfather nor your stepfather was able to love you nomatter what you did to try to please them. It wasnot your fault."

She then faded to be followed by Kathy, ahelper. She explained that Lynn was being re-formed by those inside. Soon Lynn would be ahelper, too. They had decided that she was gettingtoo hard to handle as a potential killer, so they hadslowly but surely been infusing her with humancompassion and forgiveness. I was grateful fortheir efforts, since I had had my fill with Lisa Kay'sconstant threats of my extinction just because Ihappened to have been born male.

Finally Sad Marie returned to the body,and I explained to her generally what I had seenand learned. I told her that I thought now she hadthe power to control and imprison Lisa Kay insideher mind. But as soon as those words were out ofmy mouth, Lisa Kay appeared suddenly and yelledat me, "What kind of motherfucking nonsense areyou trying to tell her?"

I put my hand to her forehead and called

for somebody to take control, and Michellepromptly appeared. I thanked her, and she broughtback Sad Marie, as she was the one who had comeinto the office. In her usual obedient manner, SadMarie accepted that she carried the body into myoffice each time and back out the door again. Shehoped that one of these days she would have a littletime to talk to the doctor about her problems andfeelings. Well, maybe next time!

During the next week, Sad Marie faded instrength, as she was "dying" little by little. It wastime for her to be replaced by the Original Marie.Becky explained that the integration was going tocontinue for some time, and they required someonein the physical world to tell Sad Marie daily thatshe was cared about.

I knew that I was the primary messenger ofsuch news for Sad Marie, so I called her out. Italked with her about her current situation, andtried hard to express the idea that she had beenvery important to me in helping me understandwhat was going on inside her. I told her that Ineeded this understanding, since I would somedaypass it onto other doctors and their patients whoneeded to get well from MPD. I assured her Igreatly appreciated her teaching me so much aboutherself so that other patients could benefit fromwhat I had learned from her.

About a year after starting therapy withme, Sad Marie came into my office with JaneParker, her psychiatric nurse. Parker explained thatthey had a problem they needed to talk to thedoctor about.

"Dr. Allison," started Parker, "Marie toldme that she felt sick and hot yesterday, so she wentto the Davis Hospital Emergency Room. She wasseen by the nurse there, who took her temperatureand then turned her down because it wasn't highenough. Marie went home and waited to feel better,but she didn't, so she went back again. The nursedid the same thing, and told her that she didn't haveenough fever to qualify for help with her MediCalcard, so she couldn't get any treatment there. Haveyou heard of any such rule like that, Doctor?"


Ch. 4 Pg. 26


I had worked with MediCal patients eversince the program started. I had never heard of arule barring care for an infection because of atoo-low temperature. I also knew of plenty ofmalpractice cases where the survivors of patientshad won large awards after their relatives died afterbeing treated inadequately in an ER. I wonderedhow any emergency room administrator could takesuch a risk without the hospital’s lawyer being allover him.

"No, I haven't, Jane. Is that what hap-pened, Marie?" I asked the patient.

"Yes, Doctor. I just saw the nurse, shetook my temperature and told me I couldn't gettreated because MediCal wouldn't pay them if mytemperature wasn't higher than that. Then, after Icame back and the same thing happened again, Iblacked out. The next morning, I found everythingin my room smashed and my bed all torn apart."

The nurse interjected, "I talked to Lisa Kayin my office earlier, and she admitted tearing up thebedroom after the second rejection. She was reallyangry when Marie was treated that way."

I called out Lisa Kay and confirmedParker's report. I explained to Lisa Kay that, in myopinion, she should not have been treated that waywhen sick, and I hoped that the ER nurse wasacting without authority. Since the nurse was anemployee of the hospital, I was sure that the hospi-tal administrator would want to know about thisincident.

"Since I’m a doctor and know the adminis-trator,” I said, “I'll write a letter to him telling himwhat you reported to me. Then we'll see whathappens."

When the administrator read my letter, hewas shocked to learn what was happening in hisER. He phoned me and apologized for what hadhappened with Marie. "Dr. Allison," he said, "ifwhat you tell me happened, it shouldn't have. Wehave a doctor on duty all the time, and he shouldhave seen the patient, fever or not. It certainly isnot hospital policy to turn away a patient becauseher insurance company might not pay the bill. You

can't tell what is wrong with a patient withoutexamining them, as you know full well. Thanks forletting me know about this problem. I'll get on itright away."

This was a lesson to Lisa Kay that therewere proper ways to express grievances and re-ceive due attention and redress. One didn't have totear up her "psychic sister's" bedroom to accom-plish that task.

Because both Lisa Kay and Lynn insistedon coming out while Marie was training as areceptionist at the Sacramento RehabilitationFacility (SRF), Rebecca Worth, the ProgramCoordinator, asked to sit in on some sessions withme so that she could figure out how to keep peacein her facility. There was too much acting out forthe other clients to tolerate, and Sad Marie wasforever feeling abused by one person or anotherthere.

I regressed Sad Marie ten years back to thetime she had worked for an orthodontist. I foundthat her primary problem then was trying to dealwith inconsistent instructions. She expected to betold exactly what to do when, and, if that didn'thappen, she became confused and frustrated. Shewas unable to see a goal and figure out how to getthere. She wanted the course clearly laid out by hersupervisor. If she wasn't doing the job "right," thenshe felt like a failure. It didn't matter if she accom-plished the proper goal, if she hadn't done it in the"right" way.

Lisa Kay then came out to complain shefelt neglected at the SRF. Since she was always atrouble maker, the staff did their best to ignore her.But her feelings were hurt. Worth and I decidedthat she could be indulged a bit now. Worth offeredLisa Kay an assignment of two hours a week in theprinting plant and her own time for occupationaltherapy. Lisa Kay was very pleased to be consid-ered a person in her own right. She had beenignored long enough.

The next visit, Sad Marie brought in a notefrom Becky. "Marie needs to learn that her fatherwas bad. It will take many sessions to get that


Ch. 4 Pg. 27


message over to her. She is stuck at age two untilshe can get through her head that her father did notact like an angel when he raped her repeatedly fromage one."

Such notes were commonly given to me byBecky. Becky had great faith in my ability tochange the minds of her charge. She knew what Ineeded to do, and she made sure I knew it, too.Unfortunately, I did not have the faith Becky had inmy ability to do what I often considered impossiblepsychotherapy. I figured Becky would not ask meto do anything completely impossible. But when Itried my best, and listened to my own Essence,Michael, I found myself saying just the right wordsto turn the key in the lock of my patient's mind andheart.

This time I called for Sad Marie, but LisaKay came out instead. She was clearly protectingSad Marie from my probing questions, as she knewhow stubborn their psychiatrist was when trying tocomplete one of Becky’s assignments. He was onepushy bastard, and she didn't mind reminding himof her opinion of him. She had to admire his tenac-ity, even though she didn't think he was very nice towant to hurt her sister that way. Hadn't they hadenough hurt from adult men in their lives?

I decided to try an end run around LisaKay. "Lisa Kay," I said, "I realize you are trying toprotect Marie from thinking about all that troubleshe had when she was a year or two old. But youdon't need to be afraid of what will happen if shecomes out and talks to me."

"Afraid? Who's afraid?" she responded."I'm not afraid of anyone, least of all you."

I knew I had hit a sore nerve, as I haddeliberately used an accusatory tone of voice whenI said, "You don't need to be afraid." Now I had heron the defensive, just where I wanted her. Shewould do anything she could to prove a grown manwrong.

"Yeah, I think you're afraid, Lisa Kay.You're afraid of what will happen if Marie saysanything to me. You're scared shitless, as a matterof fact!"

That really got to Lisa Kay. "I'll show youwho is afraid, you yellow livered bellysucker, you!I'm not afraid of anything or anybody, least of allyou!"

"Well, if you're not afraid to let Marie talkto me, now is the time to prove it!"

Totally suckered by the challenge, LisaKay retreated behind the face and let Sad Mariecome out.

"Dr. A," Sad Marie said quietly, "did youknow my dad put me in the closet a lot when I didwrong? I couldn't figure out what I did wrong, buthe kept telling me I had done something he didn'tlike, so I must have done something wrong. I knewI had to do whatever he told me to do, or I deservedto be punished. Father said so."

I had to figure out a way to make this childunderstand her father was not a normal man, thathe had something seriously wrong with him. Howcould I do that? I tried a new approach.

"Marie, what kind of parents did yourfather have?" I asked.

"When I met my grandma and grandpaMcKenzie, they seemed real nice. They lived in asmall town, and, when I visited them, everybodywaved to them and seemed happy to see them.They seemed to have a lot of friends. Why do youask?"

"Sometimes parents train their sons to actin a certain way, and that is the way the son raiseshis children. But I don't hear anything from yourdescription of your father's parents that wouldmake me think they trained him to punish hischildren by putting them in the closet? Did theypunish him that way when he was a little boy?"

"I don't think so. When I saw them, theywere real kind to me and to everyone else. I lovedthem a lot."

"So, it seems likely your father didn't raiseyou the way he was raised, doesn't it? It sounds likehe raised you just the opposite of how he wasraised, right? It doesn't seem like he was doingwhat his parents wanted him to do, when he raisedhis children, does it?"


Ch. 4 Pg. 28


"No, I guess not.""My point is, Marie, your father himself

didn't do what he said you had to do. He told you todo whatever your parents wanted you to do. But hedidn't do what his parents wanted him to do, didhe? He didn't treat you the way his parents hadtreated him, did he?"

"I guess you're right, Dr. A. His parentswould never treat a child like he treated me!"

"So, he was not doing what his parentswanted him to do, was he? He was disobeying hisown parents by putting you into the closet, nomatter what the reason, right?"

"I guess so. I wonder why?"Michelle took charge of Marie's hand to

write a note to her. "Your father was raped whenhe was in the Navy on board ship before he mar-ried your mother. He vowed he would never let ithappen again. This was one reason why he rapedhis own daughter."

I had been told other bits and pieces of thestory before. I had written numerous court orderedpsychiatric reports for sexual offenders, includingthose guilty of incest with their daughters. InMarie's case, I knew Mother worked eveningswhile Father babysat. He worked the day shift,getting home after Mom had already left for work.Between the incompatible schedules and the factthat they argued most of the time when they weretogether, there was little sexual activity betweenher parents. On the one hand, his incestual behav-ior with Marie punished his wife for neglecting himsexually and putting him down during their argu-ments. On the other hand, he received sexualgratification from molesting his daughter. Suchwas the typical scenario I had heard repeatedlywhen interviewing fathers arrested on incestcharges.

When Marie read the note, she looked atme and sighed. Now she could see she was not toblame for being raped. She was not the bad onehere. Her father had faults of his own, she realized.

Worth joined me for the next session, asLisa Kay was getting on her nerves at the SRF.

She disrupted everything Worth was doing, and itsoon became plain Lisa Kay just had to have allher attention. The only way she knew to do thatwas to be nasty and confrontive. She had lots ofpractice with that approach.

Worth was fed up with being irritated allday long at work. She also knew that this bad childapproach to attention was Lisa Kay's way ofsaying that she liked her. Lisa Kay had even let itslip once or twice that she already saw Worth as aperfect mother for her. Worth was flattered, but, atthe same time, exasperated that this trouble-makingalter-personality was latching onto her and interfer-ing with her ability to give adequate time to herother clients.

When I saw Lisa Kay and Worth togetherin my office, it was apparent from their behaviorthat there was a bond between them, weird as thatmight seem. Lisa Kay was desperate for any typeof maternal attention, so hungry for it that Worthfelt sorry for her. Worth had to set limits on behav-ior, and she could not allow any client to manipu-late her or monopolize her time. She tried to get themessage across to Lisa Kay that she knew from herown upbringing how important the love and atten-tion of a mother were to a teenage girl, which iswhat Lisa Kay still was. There was only so muchshe could take before she would have to expel LisaKay and, therefore, Sad Marie from the center.

I knew I needed to decrease the "volume"of the negative emotions from Lisa Kay's nature toallow Worth to keep her at the center. She haddone it before in crises with the "bottle routine."She called out Sad Marie first to see if she couldtake some of the anger from Lisa Kay. Sad Marietold her that there was too much anger there for herto handle, and she couldn't help me with this prob-lem. I would have to figure out another way to doit.

Worth then had a go at Lisa Kay, andspent the next twenty minutes trying to show heraffection, understanding and tolerance, hoping thatwould help her reduce the anger she was holdingagainst her father. They were both crying, plead-


Ch. 4 Pg. 29


ing, and hugging in turn as Worth tried to be lovingtoward Lisa Kay, who wanted her love, but re-jected it at the same time.

Finally, Lisa Kay did agree to my offer touse the "bottle routine" to let her shed what shecould of the anger she had stored against herfather. I had a soft drink can left over from lunch,and I put it into Lisa Kay's open palms. I then toldher to gather the anger against Father from herhead and neck, shoulders and arms, chest andabdomen and then her legs, and to move all thatanger into her hands and into the can. She concen-trated with closed eyes, as all her muscles rippledas the anger energy flowed outward from her intothe can. With a final burst of energy discharge, shethrew all of her anger into the can and slammed itonto the floor.

After she had composed herself, she stillknew she was Lisa Kay, but she was not the LisaKay of old. She had shed her anger toward herfather, and she was friendly and warm towardsboth Worth and me. She chatted with us like anyteenage daughter would, expressing views, accept-ing compliments and tolerating different points ofview. She was a daughter any set of parents wouldbe proud to have.

When seen three days later, Becky in-formed me that Lisa Kay had discharged into thecan all of her hostility toward her father. Now thevacuum had to be filled, or she would start suckinginto the void Sad Marie's anger toward otherpeople. I had done only half of the "bottle routine"ritual, and the vacuum had to be filled by positiveemotions or she would suck in anger-energy fromelsewhere.

I asked a pleasant and cooperative LisaKay to go into a trance and open up the top of herhead to God's healing energy, to let in all of Hishealing light and power. I instructed her to imaginethat brilliant beams of pure sunshine were focusedon the crown of her head, penetrating into her brainand skull, and into the rest of her trunk, arms andlegs. I kept the patter going while she allowed herentire being to be enveloped in a cocoon of pure

love and acceptance from on High. When sheseemed to me to be totally relaxed and bathed insunshine, I let her come out of trance.

Lisa Kay was now the friendliest of thefriendly people in the world. She glowed with goodwill toward mankind. She talked about how shewas formed when her father tried to kill her dog, inan objective, story telling way, without rancor. Shetried to fill Sad Marie in on all her history, expect-ing her to be listening in on what she was tellingme. When Sad Marie came back into control, Ifound that she hadn't been paying attention to LisaKay. She didn't realize that Lisa Kay was now herfriend! Once I explained to Sad Marie what hadhappened, I suggested that, without Lisa Kay thereto take all her anger, she, Sad Marie, would now beable to feel her own anger. Sad Marie recognized Iwas telling the truth when she thought of the oddbehavior of one of the boys at the house and howirritated she was with him for bothering her whenshe was studying. For the first time in her life, shecould feel the early glimmer of anger toward a manshe didn't like. She didn't like the feelings of hostil-ity she had, but I reassured her that such feelingsare part of what life is made of. If she couldn't feelanger, she couldn't feel love, either. In health, shewould have to take both or neither one. When shelooked at it that way, this new experience didn'tseem as bad as she had first feared.

*************************** Lisa Kay left the Original Marie importantcharacteristics which are part of her to this day, herfun loving spirit and risk taking adventurousnature.

Lisa Kay complained nobody else everliked to have fun, and she was the only one whowould go out to enjoy herself. Lisa Kay is the oneto thank for giving the present day Marie thatspirit, because she can have fun. She doesn't drink,smoke or take drugs. She goes out and enjoys whatlife has to offer. She goes out to nightclubs, enjoysthe music, and, if out on a date, she will dance andact crazy for a time. She sings to the music, laughs,cracks jokes and just enjoys her partner's company


Ch. 4 Pg. 30


and the evening. If she is out by herself, she will goup to a man by himself and ask him if he wouldlike to dance. She is used to rejections by now sinceshe used to be a very obese woman, but is nolonger. So men will dance with her.

Marie doesn't sleep around like Lisa Kaydid, because that is too much of a risk these days.She sets limits on those men she dances with.People may think that Marie has been drinkingbecause she gets loud and boisterous, and every-body thinks that she is drunk. Now she can act upand not be drunk so she can remember what shedid. She enjoys life, because she had no life until1981.

Because Lisa Kay gave Marie her risk--taking spirit, she took up bungee jumping. Onemay say, "What a stupid thing for someone to do."But no one should judge her, unless they have doneit at least once. She has done it three years in arow, and she loved it every time she jumped. Thatfirst time is the one she will always remember mostvividly. That first time, she knew it was illegal tojump from a bridge in California. Those who werescheduled to jump that day met at the jump site at4:00 a.m. and planned to be finished by 9:00 a.m.,as the Highway Patrol would be out by then. Theyhad lookouts stationed to warn them if police werecoming. Their instructor gave them a lecture onhow to jump correctly. He fitted each jumper withtwo harnesses, a chest harness and a seat harness.

Each signed a waiver saying that none oftheir relatives would sue these people if they died.With that, Marie's hands shook. Was she somekind of fool? Was she the most stupid person onthe face of this planet? She couldn't have been,because there were 15 other people there, also. Soit seemed there were 16 of them who were stupid. After signing the waivers, they all marchedout onto the bridge. None of them had been on thatbridge before. When she looked down, Marie sawher life pass in front of her eyes. This was a 250-foot drop into water that was not too deep. Withbig boulders. Now, she asked herself, why the hell

did I pay money to jump and possibly die? Sheknew she was stupid. But she couldn't back out. Norefunds were allowed, and it cost her $105 for twojumps and pictures. She couldn't back out becauseshe had told everyone at work that she was going todo it, and, if she came back without proof, she wasgoing to look foolish. She knew she was a fool tobe there in the first place. What was she trying toprove? When Marie's turn came, she climbed overthe edge of the bridge and held on tight. Her in-structor talked to her and told her to have faith.After all, everyone else came back okay, and nowit was her turn to trust. Boy, that was some bigword, when one was going to let go of a bridge andtrust that a bungee cord would save your life. She let go, and, when she did, her firstthought was, I am going to die. But when she feltthat bungee cord grab her and bring her back upinto the air, Marie knew she was all right. Shedidn't yell when she let go. When she did yell, aftershe knew the cord had saved her from certaindeath, it was, "I DID IT, I DID IT, I DID IT, IDID IT!" It was the most awesome feeling, floatingin the air. It was the closest thing to flying.

She remembered Becky, her Essence,yelling at her, "What are you trying to do?" But sheneeded this experience. The CIE were blissful, butBecky thought she had lost her mind. When one jumps, the new sounds, sights,and smells are so wonderful. There is nothing likeit anyplace in this world. Her first jump took placewhen she was turning 41 years young. After Mariecame back to work with the pictures and video ofher jump as proof, the people at work made herwalk through a 21 YO-YO salute to the YO-YOwho went bungee jumping. This was more terrify-ing than bungee jumping, as all the people whowere doing the 21 YO-YO salute were doingaround the world with their YO-YO's, and Mariethought that she was going to get hit with one ofthe YO-YO's.

The second time Marie went jumping waswhen she was turning 42 years young. And the


Ch. 4 Pg. 31


third time she went bungee jumping was when shewas turning 43 years young.

The next thing that she wants to do is skydive. Her son thinks she is crazy, but he's alsoproud of his mother. Lisa Kay is still living in Marie, and sheknows that wherever Lisa Kay may be, she issmiling down on Marie, telling her, "Fun does nothurt." She is so happy that Marie is now having

fun.

chapter four from wildcat to pussy cat … four from wildcat to pussy cat the saga of lisa kay l isa...

Documents