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TRANSCRIPT
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CHAPTER4FreedomVSControl
(HERETool#2)
“Theonethingyoucan’ttakeawayfrommeisthewayIchoosetorespondtowhatyoudotome.Thelastofone’sfreedomsistochooseone’sattitudeinanygivencircumstance.”―ViktorE.Frankl
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NowthatwehaveacleartranscendentTHEREandwehavesomeideaofourcurrentrealityinrelationtopowerandleadershipstyles,wecandivedeeperintoourHEREwiththesecondHEREtool.ThesecondHEREtoolisFreedomvsControl.
FREEDOM
WhenourTHEREisclearandwearecommittedtoit,itcanbetemptingtotrytocontrolotherstocomewithyou.Thiscanbedonethroughnumerousformsofmanipulation.However,totrulyallowotherstobecometransformationalmeansthattheyhavetochoosetodowhatisright,becauseitisright.Weshouldinviteotherstojoinusonthejourneyinlifebutwecannotcontrolthem.Theyarefreetomaketheirownchoices.
Insteadofcontrollingothers,wewanttohope,prayandencourageothersdowntheroadoflifeandwhennecessaryexhortandrebuke.Thiswillhelpprovideastructureforthemtoworktowardswhatwecallself-governance.ThisstructureiscalledtheFreedomV.
TheFreedomVcanbelookedatfromtwodifferentperspectives.Itcanbeviewedfromaperspectiveofhowtoleadoneselfandhowtoleadothers.
ThekeypointsofthefreedomVisthatstructuredemandsbehavior.Wemusthaveclearexpectationsandconsequencestopromoteself-governance.ThelargerViscreatedusingclearexpectationsandclearconsequences.
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Inthepictureabove,wecanseetheboundariescreatedforusinthelargerV.Thisdepictsastructureputinplacethroughalawofnature,youremployeroranyoneinapositionofauthority(expectationsandconsequences).ThesmallerVinthemiddleisastructurewecreatebecauseweareself-governed.Forinstance,ifyoursupervisortellsyouthatyouhavetobetoworkby0800(theboundaryofthebiggerV),youmayputastructureinplaceforyourselfthatgetsyoutoworkby0750everyday.Youhavecreatedastructurethatcreatesaccountabilityforyourself(thesmallerV).Youhavelimitedyourownfreedomsoothersdonothaveto.Self-governancemeansthatyoudowhatisrightbecauseitisrightandnotoutoffearofconsequenceorreprisal.Itislimitingyourownfreedomsoothersdon’thaveto.Itismorepalatableforustolimitourownfreedomthathaveothersdoit.
Thereareareasofourlifethatwearemoreself-governedinthanothers.Wecanseethiswithourpillarsandvalues.Ifyouareverygoodwithyour
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finances,youprobablyhavealotofstructureinplaceforyourself.Youmaydoamonthlybudget,writeoutclearfinancialgoalsorhaveanaccountabilitypartnerwhochecksinwithyouonhowyouaredoingwithyourmoney.Allofthismaysoundveryrestrictiveandthat’sthepoint.Youhaveestablishedastructure(smallV)withinthelargerstructure.Thelargerstructurewouldbeformedbyaboundarysuchasnotpayingyourbillswillresultinlegalaction,repossessionofmaterialpossessions,orpossiblyjailtime.
Withanotherpillar,youmaynotbeasself-governed.Let’susethephysicalpillarasanexample.ThelargerVboundariesareestablishedbylawssuchasacertainweight,bloodpressureorcholesterolnumbermayresultindeath.Ifyoucontinuetocrossthoseboundaries,therewillprobablybeconsequencesthatcouldevenincludeyourdeath.Youarefreetodothisbutitisprobablynotinyourbestinterest.
ICorinthians6:12Allthingsarelawfulforme,butallthingsarenothelpful.Allthingsarelawfulforme,butIwillnotbebroughtunderthepowerofany.-NKJV
ICorinthians10:23
Allthingsarelawfulforme,butnotallthingsarehelpful;allthingsarelawfulforme,butnotallthingsedify.Letnooneseekhisown,buteachonetheother’swell-being.–NKJV
Paulistellingusthatjustbecausesomethingsarelegalforustododoesn’tmeanitisbeneficialforustodothem.Justbecausethelawallows,itdoesn’tmakeithelpfulforus.TheFreedomVwecreateforourselvesinsideofwhatthelawgivesus,preventsusfromdoingthesethingsthatarenotgoodforus.Thatstructurewecreatekeepsusfrombeingbroughtundertheinfluenceofthoseunhelpfulthings.
Asleadersatwork,insocialorganizationsorinourfamilies,weprovidestructureforoursubordinatesorchildrentohelpthemchoosetheright
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actions.Tocreateastructuretohelpothersmakegoodchoices,wehavetoprovidethemclearexpectationsandconsequencestohelpthemstaywithintheFreedomV.Wecreatetheseboundariesusingourfivetypesofpower.Weuseourpositionandcoercivepowertocreatetheouterboundariesandthenreferent,rewardandexperttoinfluencethemtostayintheV.
Youwillnoticeclearexpectationsandconsequencesarekeytothis.Clarityofthesetwoitemsarewhatmakeallthedifferenceinusingthistool.Iftheboundarycreatedisnotclearorevenalittlefuzzy,itisverydifficultforotherstostaywithinthestructure.Weuseourpositionpowertolayoutthestructureandthecoercivepowertolayouttheconsequencesshouldoursubordinatedecidetocrossthatboundary.Hopefully,weinsteadwillbeabletoutilizereward,expertandreferentpowertokeepthemwithinthestructure.Ourpersonalexampleofstayinginsidethestructureiscriticalforthis.
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IfmyTHEREforraisingmychildrenisalongthelinesof“raisinggoodadultscapableofmakinggooddecisions”,thistoolisespeciallyuseful.Whenachildisyounger,wehavethemverytightintheFreedomV.ChildrencomeintothisworldseparatedfromGod.Asparents,welookatthemasbeautifullittleangels.Inreality,theyarequitetheopposite.Theyhavetobetaughthowtoshare,taughthowtolove,taughthowtoberesponsibleandtaughthowtonotmakelifeaboutME.TodothiswehavetostartchildrenoffinthebottomoftheFreedomVwithalotofstructure.Theyaretoldwhattimetowakeup,whattimetogotobed,toeatandevenplay.Theylearnthattheyareonascheduleandthatiftheychoosetoviolatetheclearrulesprovidedforthemtherewillbeconsequences.Asthechildgrowsolderanddemonstratemorematurity,theyaregivenawiderVtomaketheirownchoiceswithalittlemorefreedom.Theymaygetalaterbedtimeortimetobehome.Iftheyviolatethattime,theyhavecrossedtheboundaryandsuffertheconsequences.Asthechildgetsevenoldertheyreceivemorefreedom.Theymaygetthecarkeysandtoldtobehomeby10:00PM.Iftheycontinuetoshowgoodfaith,theymaybegivenmorefreedomandiftheystepacrossthatboundary,theymayfindthemselvespulleddowninthefreedomVabit.Weseethisdoneforusinscriptureoverandoveragain.
Genesis2:16-17
AndtheLORDGodcommandedtheman,saying,“Ofeverytreeofthegardenyoumayfreelyeat;butofthetreeoftheknowledgeofgoodandevilyoushallnoteat,forinthedaythatyoueatofityoushallsurelydie.”–NKJV
WithAdam,Godgavesomeveryclearexpectationsforhowtoconducthimself.HetoldAdamthathecouldeatfromanytreeinthegardenbutnotfromtheTreeofKnowledgeofGoodandEvil.GodalsolaysouttheconsequencesshouldAdamdecidetocrosstheboundaryoftheFreedomV.HewastoldtheconsequenceofviolatingthestructureGodprovidedwasdeath.
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Godgivesusagreatexampleofhowtodothisforothersinourlives.Hecommunicatestheexpectationsandconsequencesveryclearly.HegrantsAdamtheabilitytomakehisownchoicesforhisactionsandletshimknowwhatwillhappenshouldhechoosetomakepoordecisions.Goddidn’ttrytocontrolAdam.Helethimchoosehisownfate.Thisisexactlywhatweshouldbedoingwithourchildrenandthoseweareresponsiblefor.
Whenraisingchildren,weoftenseethisprincipleturnedupsidedown,literally.ChildrenaregivenanupsidedownV.Whentheyarelittle,theyaregiventoomuchfreedomandareallowedtodowhatevertheylike.Astheygetolder,theparentsstarttorealizetheirchildisonaterribletrajectoryandwillnotbeself-governedorcapableofmakinggooddecisionsontheirown.Thiscausestheparentstotrytoclampdownonthemwithanattempttocontrolthem.Theissueisexacerbatedasthechildbeginstorebelanditmakesmattersevenworse.UsingtheFreedomVproperlyandfollowingthroughwithcoerciveandrewardpowercancreatetheunderstandingoftransactionalleadershipwhichcanlaterbegrowntowardstransformational.
Thisprincipleworkswellwithnewemployeesaswell.WewanttoputpeopleoutintheFreedomVasfaraswecanwithoutgoingtoofar.Ifwedon’tprovideenoughstructureforpeople,theywillflounderandfail.Wewanttogivethemallthefreedomtheycanhandlebutnotmore.Whenpeopledemonstratethattheyareself-governed,theydon’tneedabunchofrulestogetthemtodowhattheyshouldbedoing.TheywillcreatetheirownstructuretokeepthemintheirownFreedomV.
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Theleadershipstyles,shownabove,areanotherwaytohelpusunderstandhowtousetheFreedomV.WecanseethatweshouldbeusingthedirectiveleadershipwhensomeoneisdownlowintheFreedomV.Astheymoveoutfurther,wewanttouseotherleadershipstylestoallowthemmorefreedom.Whenwefinallyreachtransformationalleadership,wehaveasharedThere-Here-Pathandpeoplearemorelikelytobeself-governed.Thissimplymeanstheywillrestricttheirownfreedomsosomeoneelsewon’thaveto.
Leaderswhocanapplythisprincipleunderstandhowcomplexitcanbe.AdultstypicallyresideinmultipleplanesalongtheinsideoftheFreedomVatonetime.Youmayhavesomeonewhoisveryself-governedinoneareaoftheirlifebutneedsmorestructureinanother.PullingthepersonallthewaybackdownintheFreedomVcanbecatastrophic.Youmayneedtoprovidemoreclarityofexpectationsandconsequencesforoneaspectoftheirjoborlifebutnotinothers.Forinstanceifyourchildisn’tcleaninghisroomproperlybutallotherchoresarebeingdonewithoutasking,you
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wouldn’twanttoputstructuresinplacefortheotherchoresbeingdonecorrectly.Thatwilljustcausethemtorebel.Providethestructuretohelpthemcleantheirroomandallowthemtocontinuetodemonstrategoodjudgementwheretheyhaveproventodosoalready.Thesameistrueintheworkplace.Ifsomeoneistransformationalinsomeareasbutnotothers,addresstheareasinwhichtheyneedhelpwithmorestructuresolely.
Agoodlitmustestforhavingtherightstructures,clarityofexpectationsorclarityofconsequencesinplacecouldbetocounthowmanyordersyougiveeveryday.Ifyoufindyourselfgivingordersallthetime,youareprobablymissingastructure,clarityorrulethatcanhelppreventthis.Havingothersmakethecorrectdecisionontheirowncanalleviatealotoftimeandeffortonthepartoftheparentormanager.Inthemilitarywecallthisdecentralizedcommand.
CONTROL
Providingstructureforothersdoesnotmeancontrollingthem.Theystillhaveachoice.DidAdamandEvehaveachoice?Theychosetoeatthefruitandhadtosuffertheconsequences.Wecannotcontrolothers.Infact,thereareonlythreethingsinlifewecancontrol.Wecancontrolwhomwetrust,ourattitude/perspective,andouractions.
Oneofthegreatparadoxesoflifeisthatifwewantmoreinfluencewithothers,wehavetogiveupcontrol.Thissoundscounterintuitivetomostpeople.Whenyoutrytocontrolothers,theywillrebel.Whenyoutrytoforcethemtodosomething,theywillresist.However,whenyoumakeittheiridea,letthemhavetheappropriateamountofautonomy,andmakethemresponsibleforit,theywillbemuchmoreinvested.Thiswillopendoorsforustoinfluencethem.Whenwetrytocontrolthemortheiractions,theywillresistandnotwanttocometousforadvice.Instead,theywillcometoustomakedecisionsforthem.Dependencyisgoodforourego,butnotforthegrowthofthoseweareserving.Thiswilllimittheirpersonalgrowthandrequireustocontinuetomakeallofthedecisions.
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Whenwedon’ttrytocontrolothers,theywillbemorelikelytocometousforadviceandhelp.Tohavemoreinfluenceyouhavetogiveupcontrol.
Therealityiswecannotcontrolothers.Thereareoversevenbillionpeopleintheworldandwegettocontroloneofthem.Nomatterhowhardwetrythroughanytechniqueweuse,wecannotcontrolothers.Theyarefreetomakeanydecisiontheywish.Wecannotevencontrolourchildren.Thatstatementusuallyrubssomeonethewrongwaybutitistrue.Ourchildrenarefreetomaketheirownchoices.Thosechoicesmaycomewithsevereconsequencesbuttheycanstillchoosetodowhatthestructurewehaveprovidedthemsaystodoortheycanchoosetostepacrosstheboundary.
“Theonethingyoucan’ttakeawayfrommeisthewayIchoosetorespondtowhatyoudotome.Thelastofone’sfreedomsistochooseone’sattitudeinanygivencircumstance.”―ViktorE.Frankl
ViktorFranklwasinaconcentrationcamp.Hestillhadchoices.Hecouldstillchoosehisattitude.Hecouldstillchoosewhohetrusted.Hecouldstillcontrolhisactions.Wemaythinkwecontrolourchildrenbutnoonecanbecontrolled.Wecanputaverystrictstructurearoundothersthathaveverystrictconsequences,buttheystillhavechoices,internallyandexternally.VeryfewsituationswecouldpossiblyputothersincomeclosetothestructurestheconcentrationcampsprovidedViktorFrankl.However,herecognizedthathestillhadchoices.
Thisleadsustoanothergreatdichotomyofcontrol.Whenyouattempttocontrolotherpeoples’choices,theyendupcontrollingyou.Asyoutrytogetthemtodowhatyouthinkisintheirbestinterest(controlthem),youareattemptingtotakeawayfreedom.Thisisnotpossible.Whentheyfeelyouaretakingfreedomawayfromthem,theywillprobablyrebel.Theiractions,orlackthereof,causesyoutobeupsetorreact.Theyarenowcontrollingyou.Youcangivepeoplethebestadvicepossibletodowhat’sintheirbestinterestbutitisstilltheirchoice.Noteveryonewill
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makethejourney.Wecanonlyinvitethemalong.Theymustchoosetotakeastepdownthepath.
Haveyouevertriedtocontrolyourspouse?Whataretheresultsofthis?Whentheydon’tdowhatyouwant,youremotionsstarttoshow.Theiractionsorlackthereofarenowcontrollingyou.Ifyoudon’tlikeotherscontrollingyou,theanswerisverysimple.Don’ttrytocontrolothersorthatisexactlywhatwillhappen.
Thefirstthingwecancontroliswhomwetrust.Ultimatelythisisthefundamentaldecisionoflife.DoyoutrustGodordoyoutrustsomeoneotherthanGod?WhenwerecognizeGodisincontrolandnotus,itisfreeing.Wecanexpandthistotrustingotherstosharetruthwithus.Doyouhavesomeoneinyourlifethatyoucantrusttosharetruthwithyou?BeingsomeonewhocanbecountedontosharetruthwithotherswillhelpthemfindtheirHERE.Havingsomeoneyoucantrusttosharetruthwithyou,willhelpyoufindyourHERE.
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Theseconditemwegettocontrolisourattitudeorperspective.Wecancontrolhowweviewthings.Thisisheavilyinfluencedbythefirstitemwegettocontrol.DoIbelieveGodisincontrolandthathehasmerightwhereIamforareason?IfIbelieveGodhasmewherehewantsme,Icanlookatcircumstancesinmylifedifferently.IcanchoosetounderstandthatGodhasmewhereIamforareasonandinsteadofhavingapoorattitudeIcanchoosetoaskwhatIshouldbelearningrightnow.OurattitudeorperspectiveisoftenareflectionofourTHERE.Icanchoosetoaffectlife,peopleandcircumstancesorIcanchoosetoletthemaffectme.
Agoodfriendofmine,DiannePass,lostherhusbandJohnafewyearsago.Hehadaprotractedillnessthathadhimbedriddenandinconstantdiscomfort.InherbookLessonsinLivinganddying,shetellshow,onedaytowardstheend,Johngotabitcrankyandgotalittleshortwithher.Heveryquicklyrealizedwhathewasdoingandimmediatelyapologized.Hestatedthatmaybehecouldn’tdoanythingforhimselfanymorebuthecouldchoosetohaveabetterattitudeforDianne.Hecouldchoosehisperspectiveofservingherbynotbeingcranky.
“Wewholivedinconcentrationcampscanrememberthemenwhowalkedthroughthehutscomfortingothers,givingawaytheirlastpieceofbread.Theymayhavebeenfewinnumber,buttheyoffersufficientproofthateverythingcanbetakenfromamanbutonething:thelastofthehumanfreedoms--tochooseone'sattitudeinanygivensetofcircumstances,tochooseone'sownway.”―ViktorE.Frankl
Thethirditemwecancontrolisouractions.Wecanchoosetochangeitemnumberone(whomwetrust),wecanchoosetotakeatimeoutandresetouremotions,wecanreassessourHERE,wecanchangeourTHERE,orwecantakeastepdownthepath.However,wecannotchoosetocontrolotherpeoples’choices.Wecanprovideinfluence.Wecanprovideadvice.Wecanprovidestructure.Butwecannotcontroltheiractions.
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Matthew7:1-6
“Judgenot,thatyoubenotjudged.Forwithwhatjudgmentyoujudge,youwillbejudged;andwiththemeasureyouuse,itwillbemeasuredbacktoyou.Andwhydoyoulookatthespeckinyourbrother’seye,butdonotconsidertheplankinyourowneye?Orhowcanyousaytoyourbrother,‘Letmeremovethespeckfromyoureye’;andlook,aplankisinyourowneye?Hypocrite!Firstremovetheplankfromyourowneye,andthenyouwillseeclearlytoremovethespeckfromyourbrother’seye.“Donotgivewhatisholytothedogs;norcastyourpearlsbeforeswine,lesttheytramplethemundertheirfeet,andturnandtearyouinpieces.–NKJV
Inthescripturereadingabove,Jesusishelpingusseethatweoftenobservewhatneedstobe“fixed”inothersveryeasily.However,theproblemisthatweseetheseusuallyminorissuesinothersandmissourowncurrentreality.Weseethespeckintheireyebutlookpasttheplankinourown.Whenweseethewronginothers,itisusuallybecausewehavethesamewronginusonabiggerscale.Insteadoffocusingoncontrollingothers,focusoncontrollingthethreethingswecancontrol.Ifyouwanttoaffectchange,startwithchangingyourself.Startbybeingagoodexampleofwhatrightlookslike.
WhenwelookbacktothestoryofLTCJoshuaChamberlainandthe20thMainedefendingLittleRoundTop,wecanseethistoolplayoutveryclearly.Whenthe20thMaineencounteredthe13Sharpshooterswhoweredeserting,Chamberlaincouldhavehadthemshot.Instead,hechoseadifferentcourse.Hegavethemachoice.HetoldthemtheycouldgobacktoMaineortheycouldgowiththe20thMainetoLittleRoundTop.Chamberlainwentastepfurther.Hegavethemveryclearexpectations.Hetoldthemthatiftheywentintobattlewithhisunit,theywouldbeexpectedtofight.Heinvitedthemtobeapartofthe20thMaine.WhatwouldhavehappenedhadChamberlainforcedthementogoalongwithhisunit?Theyprobablywouldhaverunatthefirstsoundsofgunfirewhilethe20thMaine’sattentionwasoccupiedelsewhere.Instead,theywereinvitedalong.Theywereapartoftheunitandtheyfought.Those13men
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providedthelethalfirethatbyallaccountswasdecisivetotheConfederateattackbeingrepelled.Withoutthemthereandfighting,historymayhaveturnedoutdifferently.
Chamberlainunderstoodthissimpletruth.Heunderstoodthatyoucannotcontrolothers.Becauseofhisunderstandingandapplicationofthisprinciple,hewasabletocompletehismissionandchangehistory.
WhenweunderstandGodisincontrolitaffectsourattitudeorperspective,especiallywhenthingsinourlifeseemtobedifficult.WhenwehavetheattitudethatGodhasuswherehewantsusforareason,itaffectstheactionswetake.Whenyouseeyourselfmakingpoorchoices,itisusuallyaresultofapoorperspective.Whenyouhaveapoorperspective,itisusuallyaresultofnottrustingGod.
TheFreedomVisagreattooltomoveourchildrenfromselfishcreaturestogoodadultscapableofmakinggooddecisionsontheirown.Itisgoodtohelpusunderstandhowtosetstructuresinplacetokeepusfromcrossingaboundarythatwillresultinconsequences.ItisagoodtooltohelpusshowothersthatwearemovingthemintheVtogivethemmorestructuretoservethemorgivingthemlessstructurebecausetheyhavedemonstratedself-governanceinthataspectoftheirjoborlife.
Thethreethingswecancontrolhelpsusunderstandthatwecannotcontrolothers.Wecanonlycontrolourselves.Ifwetrytocontrolothers,theyendupcontrollingus.Ifwewantmoreinfluencewehavetogiveupcontrol.
UnderstandingwhereweareintheFreedomVwithrespecttoourselves,helpsusunderstandourHEREalittlebetter.Knowinghowself-governedweareindifferentareasofourliveshelpsusknowwherewemayneedmorestructurefromourselvesorwiththehelpofothers.