PHILOSOPHY OF THE HUMAN PERSONUniversity of San AgustinAY: 2014-2015: First Semester

CHAPTER 2: INTERPERSONAL DIMENSIONLecture 3: The Human Person as a Lover

The Art of Loving by Erich FrommWhat Love IS NOTFalling in love is an erotic feeling. It focuses on meeting the right person. Love focuses on being the right person. M. Scoot Peck Love is not falling in love. To fall in love means to love in a hasty manner or to love as a matter of chance. It is a state wherein we are out of control. The three problems with love as falling in love: The problem of being loved rather than that of loving, of ones capacity to love The emphasis on being-loved rather than loving how to be attractive? How to have sex appeal? The emphasis on the object loved (the ideal girl, the ideal boy) rather than on the faculty of loving. What should I get rather than what I can give In this notion of love, a person is concerned with how to be lovable and thus pursues to be attractive or sellable to the other. The faculty or the capacity of loving is put aside or only secondary. One factor that shapes our understanding of this kind of loving is our consumer/ market oriented culture. The other person whom we love is an object with a price or value contextualized in a marketing culture. Factors determining attractiveness: Proximity nearness makes the heart grow fonder. Repeated Exposure Effect the more often we are exposed the more familiar the stimulus becomes and the more comfortable we become. Similarity and physical attractiveness. The confusion falls between the initial state of falling in love and the permanent state of standing in love or being in love. People have mistaken the initial feeling of infatuation as love. Infatuation versus Love: Love brings out the best in us; secure and inspires trust; calm and unhurried; socially inclusive; knows romance and spirituality are intertwined and fully compatible Infatuation inspires mediocrity; insecure and generates suspicion and intense jealousy; rushed and frenzied; socially exclusive. For Max Scheler, there is no such thing as falling out of love or before I love him/her, but now no more.

I love him that cant live without him parasitism. M. Scott Peck Love is not dependency Love is decision; an act of the will or of our free choice. Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other. In dependency, there is no freedom and without free exercise of choice, there is no loveLove is a spontaneous act and a movement whereas feeling is passive, or receptive and active. Max Scheler. Love is not a feeling Love is a movement and it puts everything in motion. Feeling is passive, it does not move on its own unless there is a stimulus. Feeling speaks of limit of time or period. In the case of love at first sight, it is not yet love until it begins to move to the higher potentialities of value in the beloved object. Love can be said as an unemotional decision of the will which implies that even if there is no feeling, we can still love. Feeling is value blind. Love is not feeling because feeling is passive or receptive and reactive; love is a spontaneous act and movement. If love is a feeling, then it can change easily and abruptly just as one can be angry for a moment and after some time be happy or one can feel irritated for a minute and then feel comfortable after an hour. Love is not feeling-states for it changes, whereas love endures. Love is the cause of feeling-states. People can become addicted to the other person in the same way they become addicted to drugs. Dr. Stanton Peele Love is not an addiction In love, the one being-loved cannot be likened to a drug wherein after a while, the one loving reaches a level of tolerance and eventually withdraws to the world.The heart has its own reason which reason itself does not know. Blaise Pascal Love is not blind Love affords an evidence of its own, which should not be judged in terms of reason. The beloved is the reason enough for the lover. Love is not relative to the polar co-ordinates of myself and the other. One can love genuinely (different from egoism). The object of egoism is not my individual self, behaving as if I were alone in the world, but myself in competition with others.

Love is union under the condition of preserving ones integrity, ones individuality. Love is an active power in man, a power which breaks through the walls which separate man from his fellowmen, which unites him with others, love makes him overcome the sense of isolation and separateness, yet, it permits him to be himself, to retain his integrity. In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two. Erich FrommLove and LonelinessThe following concepts are excerpts from A Phenomenology of Love by William Lujpen

The experience of love begins from the experience of loneliness, as a human experience. The traces of the experience of loneliness: Childhood toys, candies and people around were mere extensions of his ego to satisfy his desire; Adolescent the search for his own identity, who am I?, he seeks his fellow adolescent for understanding and acceptance, this equality will mean oneness in difference; in conformity to the group and the hiding of ones individuality, he experiences boredom he resorts to drink, drugs, creative activities to overcome his boredom; in the end, he still faces the anguish of being alone. Reaching to other person as an other (answer to his loneliness). Love is the answer to the problem of loneliness. I want you to become what you want to be. I want you to realize your happiness freely. The Loving Encounter The loving encounter necessitates an appeal of the other addressing my subjectivity. The appeal may be embodied in a word, gesture, etc., inviting for me to transcend myself, my preoccupation with myself. The appeal of the other is not his corporeal or spiritual attractiveness qualities (the person is more than his qualities); not an explicit request coming from the other (could be but it is a sign of a deeper appeal; not also pity); the appeal of the other is himself, a call to participate in his subjectivity, to be with and for him. The appropriate response to the appeal is Myself. As a subjectivity, the other person is free to give meaning to his life. His appeal means an invitation to will his subjectivity, to consent, accept, support and share his freedom. Love means willing the others self-realization, destiny and happiness. To love the other is to labour for that love, to care for his body (embodied subjectivity), his world, his total well-being. Love is effective, it takes actions. Love necessitates a certain personal knowledge of the other. Love requires respect in order to avoid domination (imposing ones understanding of what can make one happy to the other person); it is accepting the person as he/she is, different from myself. He/she is is not static the other has potentials, a becoming. The rhythm of becoming may be different from each other, respect would also mean patience.

Reciprocity of Love The gift of myself to the other must be first valuable to myself (despise myself throwing myself, not giving) Love of self takes the form of being-loved (loved first by my parents) The primary motive of loving is you you-for-whom-I-care

Creativity of Love In love, a being-togetherness, a we is created; a new world Union in Love The I does not assimilate the you or vice versa. The I becomes more an I, the you an other. We become more of ourselves by loving each other. Love is essentially a disinterested giving of myself to the other as other; it is not giving up. The Gift of Self A gift is causing another to possess something which hitherto you possess yourself but which the other has no strict right to own (compared to selling and exchange). I am not deprived of something when I give in love because the self is not a thing that when given no longer belongs to the giver but to the given. I dont give in order to get something in return (marketing character); I dont give in order to feel good (virtuous character). To give myself in love is not so much to give of what I have as of what I am and I can become. And this self that I am and can become is given to the other as other, not so much of what you have but of what you are and can become to give my will, ideas, feelings, experiences, all that is alive in me, to the other. Why do I share myself to the other? I experience a certain bounty, richness in me, which cannot help to overflow to the other. Why this particular other? You are lovable and you are lovable because you are you unique, original, irreducible and one of its kind.

Love is Historical Love is historical because the other who is the point at issue in love is a concrete particular person. Love involves no abstraction (humanity, mankind); everything in love is concrete. The concrete other is not an ideal person but a unique being with all its strengths and weaknesses. I love you because I want to improve you. To love is to love the other historically. Equality in Love Love between two persons can thrive and grow in freedom. Love is a liberation; not a bondage. Equality between two persons in love is the equality in what they are, as subjects, as freedom and not in what they have. The great thing in friendship is being equal to an inferior. CiceroLove implies immortality. I shall commit myself to you, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer till death do us part. Love is Total, Eternal and Sacred Man as person is not bundle of functions and qualities. As a person, he is indivisible and persists through time and space, unique and irreplaceable. Love is eternal. The gift of myself to the other is not given only for a limited period of time, otherwise, it becomes a loan and not a gift. For Gabriel Marcel, I love you means you shall not die. Love is sacred. The Two Kinds of Love Eros human physical or sexual love (bodily); desire for an object; acquisitive and longing; egocentric love; not spontaneous but evoked and motivated; recognizes value in its object Agape divine cognitive or spiritual love (rational); commitment for the others sake; sacrificial giving; unselfish love; spontaneous, overflowing and unmotivated; creates value in its object Pope Benedict XVI if body and soul cannot be separated in man, then eros (physicality) and agape (spirituality) cannot also be separated. It is neither the spirit alone nor the body alone that loves: it is man, the person, the unified creature composed of body and soul, who loves.

What love ISCharacteristics of Love

Love is an Encounter Encounter means that you and I joined together to generate something new. We travel in bus, we are very close with other people but we dont encounter them. The loving encounter always presupposes the appeal of the other to ones subjectivity. A call goes out from him; this call embodied in a word, gesture, a glance or a request. It is a request or a plea which Marcel beautifully expresses thus, Be with me. Basically love is a call which is addressed to a human persons being-with-others to be possessed, not to possess, to be needed; not to need; to be owned and not to own. Love is really appealing. Love calls the human person to be with others. Love, therefore can never be dislodged from its being-others oriented. This other-orientedness of love should start from the self. This could be the reason why Antoine de Saint- Exupery, a French philosopher says, love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. Love is a Gift Love is not just a simple act of giving but the highest form of giving for it gives nothing else but the self. This is to say that the lover experiences self-dying for the sake of the beloved. Self-giving in the name of love, is made manifest particularly in marriage. In this light, if one seeks to be loved, he has to give love first. Love as gift is something to be given or to be shared; refers to the self of the giver, material gifts are extension of the giver; not bounded with conditions Unconditional love says John Powell is a love without limits We are lovable on the basis of being rather than of doing; on the values we are rather than on the values we do or we have. Love does not even desire to change the beloved. Max Scheler

Love is an art that requires patience, confidence, discipline, concentration, faith and practice daily. Erich Fromm

Love is Mature Mature is the agreement between the way one lives and ones true nature. Three Myths or Error Of Maturity Conceive maturity as invulnerability cannot be wounded or affected As infallibility free from error As inflexibility permanent state or seriousness Maturity does not mean perfection. We can never expect a perfect partner but each is still a perfect-able- partner.

Love is Discipline Love is a dynamic or a learning process The bedrock of character is self-discipline; the virtuous life is based on self-control. Love is Empowerment Power is significant to relationships where the partners are seeking to control each others behavior. To love is to empower; it is not just a question of doing things for others but of helping them to do things for themselves.The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell. C.S. Lewis

Love is healing and growth Pain is part of life but it is not life itself. When our partners reject us, the pain we feel is created by our own feelings of rejection. According to the song of Nazareth, love hurts. Love can make a person cry. How romantic! But love is really like that. If love hurts, then, one may convince himself/herself that is better not to love. But if one ceases to love, one deviates from what is natural in him. Pain is part and parcel of love, but it makes love grow. Growth is a result or an effect which can only be attained in a painful process. Communication is the best means to alleviate the pain in love. Love is an art of listening God gave us two ears but only one mouth perhaps a divine indication that we should listen twice as much as we talk. John Powell Listen with understanding and empathy; also remain non-judgmental

Love is action For love to be love, it must be expressed. Though words are powerful, love makes action more powerful than words. The prevalent adage goes, action speaks louder than words. It is true that love is an impetus that drives people to act even to the limits of their ability. Some becomes heroes some becomes rebel because of love. Love is creative Love finds its own way; it creates a union of two unique human persons who are seeking for a new meaning of life. Love makes persons discover things and reach for new heights and dimensions. Love is a creative force that motivates persons to be more productive. If love creates, it only creates the union of persons. Thus, the lovers only find each other; and in love they become productive. Growth, therefore, is the inevitable consequence of love.

Love is mutual To love someone, or a community of persons in general is a gamble. The gamble here lies with the very risk of loving. To love is not an assurance of being loved in return. Love does not necessarily mean an imposition to the beloved for love cannot be imposed; it is a gift which is freely given. However, when two hearts meet, the heart of the I and the heart of the Thou, there love gets mutualized. Love is mysterious Despite the many characteristics of love mentioned above, we may still, somehow, claim that love can never be captured in capsulized characterizations. So, we may further say that it cannot be analyzed and dissected into components. References:Babor, Eddie R. The Human Person: Not Real, But Existing, Second Edition. Philippines: C & E Publishing, Inc. 2007.Hinacay, Marionito L. and Maria Belen S.E. Hinacay. The Human Person, 2006 Maiden Edition. Philippines: Vitasophia Book Center, 2006.Max Schelers Phenomenology of Love by Manuel B. Dy, Jr.

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