Relationships and Communication

Chapter 12

A is for AttractionPositive factors in attraction include

repeated meetings, positive emotions, and personality factors.

Negative factors: physical distance, negative emotions and low need for affiliation.

Initial impressions of another person are mostly visual and a good mood can heighten feelings of attraction.

B is for Building

Positive factors: matching physical attractiveness, attitudinal similarity, and mutual positive evaluations.

Negative factors: major differences in physical attractiveness, attitudinal dissimilarity, and mutual negative evaluations.

Opening Lines

Opening lines are usually preceded by eye contact. Reciprocation of eye contact may mean the other person is interested. When eye contact is reciprocated, choose an opening line. Examples might be:

“Good morning” or “You’re very attractive” or a simple “hello.”

Taking things further…

Surface contact: phase of the relationship finds us seeking common ground and testing mutual attraction.

Small talk: A superficial form of conversation that allows people to seek common ground to determine whether they wish to pursue a relationship.

Self-Disclosure: Opening up is central to building intimate relationships. Just make sure to be a “late discloser” rather than an “early discloser.”

C is for ContinuationOnce a relationship is built, it enters the

stage of continuation. The goal of this stage is mutual cyclical growth.

Mutual cyclical growth: A process by which commitment and trust in a relationship develop.

C is for ContinuationMutual cyclical growth occurs within an

environment of trust.

Caring: An emotional bond that allows intimacy to develop.

Mutuality: a phase of the relationship in which two people think of themselves as “we.”

C is for ContinuationJealousy: Sexual jealousy is aroused when we

suspect that an intimate relationship is threatened by a rival.

Jealousy can lead to loss of feelings of affection, feelings of insecurity and rejection, anxiety and loss of self-esteem.

Research points out gender differences in jealousy (males seem to be most upset by sexual infidelity whereas women are more upset by emotional infidelity).

D is for Deterioration

• While deterioration is the fourth stage, it is not inevitable. Positive factors that can prevent deterioration are investing time and effort in the relationship, working at improving the relationship, and being patient.

• Negative factors that can lead to deterioration include lack of investment of time and effort in the relationship, deciding to end the relationship, or simply allowing deterioration to continue unchecked.

E is for Ending• Factors that can contribute to avoidance

of a relationship ending are finding sources of satisfaction, people who are committed to making the relationship work, or who believe that they will eventually overcome their problems.

• According to social-exchange theory, relationships end when negative forces are in sway (when partners find little satisfaction in the affiliation, when barriers to leaving are low and when alternative partners are available.)

Clarifying Expectations

An informal (not prenuptial) contract that helps couples clarify and communicate their expectations is often helpful.

Relationship Satisfaction

What factors contribute to relationship satisfaction?

Communication ability is a prime factor in satisfying relationships. Other factors include spending focused time together, sharing values, flexibility, sharing power, physical intimacy, emotional closeness, empathy and sexual satisfaction.

Extramarital Affairs

While it may seem that everyone has an affair, recent studies show that only 25% of husbands and 10% of wives will have an affair (however, it is likely that the incidence of affairs is underreported).

At the same time, 86% of respondents to a New York Times poll were “absolutely certain” that their spouses were faithful.

Why Do People Have Affairs or Cheat?

For the sake of variety.To break the routine of a confining marriage or relationship.

As a way of expressing hostility.Curiosity and desire for personal growth.

To boost their self-esteem.To feel attractive.

DIVORCEIn 1920, one marriage in seven ended

in divorce. In 1960, the number rose to one in four. Today, 40-50% of all first marriages end in divorce.

DIVORCE

Why the rise in divorce (what do we think)?

No-fault legislationIncreased economic independence of

womenHigher expectations of marriageProblems in communication and

understanding

Cost of DivorceWomen and children typically experience a large drop in standard of living.

Increased rates of psychological disorders (men and women) and suicide (men).

Negative impact on children.

Generation EX: Children

A child’s world is turned upside down.Most suffer downward movement in

socioeconomic status.Children of divorced parents are more

likely to have behavioral problems, engage in substance abuse, and earn lower grades.

Problems increase during the first year following a divorce and then decrease during the second year.

Dating after DivorceGive yourself time to healEstablish good routines and structure for your

family.Children thrive on consistency.Keep dating and parenting separate.Children need to know that their time is important.Avoid sleepovers when children are present.Only introduce the person to children if you believe

the relationship has long term potential.Don’t have the children refer to the new person as

a relative.Don’t have children call the new person mom or

dad.Go slowly.

Being Single

Singlehood is the nation’s most common lifestyle among people in their early to mid-twenties.

There has been an increase in the number of never-married adults over the past 40 years. In 1950, 20% of women and 26% of men aged fifty or older had never been married. By 1999, 25% of women and 30% of men aged 50 and older had never been married.

So while most people still get married, but the traditional family unit is becoming less common (traditional family comprises of 24% of family households versus 40% in 1970).

Being Single

Factors contributing to the increased proportion of single people include:

Postponement of marriage to pursue educational and career goals.

CohabitationPeople getting married at later ages.Less social stigma attached to remaining

single.

Making relationships workBehaviors that increased satisfactionPartly acknowledging partners’ points of viewCarefully listening to accusationUnderstanding how partners feel, even in heat of

argumentCompromisingChanging one’s viewsPaying attention, listeningShowing concernShowing humorCompromising

Long term destructive behaviors

Being defensive or making excusesMaking countercharges for every charge Telling partners what they should stop doingErroneously accusing partners of bad

feelings, ideas, or motives that they don’t really have

Being stubbornMaking insultsWhining

Resolving Conflicts

Conflict Resolution: Disagreement itself is not damaging, how partners handle the disagreement is the key.

Techniques for resolving conflicts in a

relationship: Challenge Irrational ExpectationsNegotiate DifferencesContract for exchanging new behaviors

Enhancing communication skills

Poor effective and problem-solving communication are two major factors that impact relationship satisfaction.

How to get started with improving communication? Talk about talking Request permission to raise a topic

How to listen? Use paraphrasing Reinforce your partner for communicating Use unconditional positive regard

Beyond listening…meeting needs.

Listening is a good start but sometimes you need to do more than just listen…

Ask questions that will help your partner communicate (closed vs open-ended questions)

Use self-disclosureGive your partner permission to say

something that might be upsetting to you.How to make you own requests?Use “I” talk; be more direct with requestsBe specific

Criticism…(dun dun dun)

Delivering criticism is tricky.Some guidelines to note in giving criticism:

Evaluate your motivesPick at good time and placeBe specificExpress dissatisfaction in terms of your

own feelingsKeep complaints to the presentTry to phrase the criticism positively

“Ouch”: How to receive criticism

Honest criticism is hard to take.

Ways to take criticism:Ask clarifying questionsParaphrase the criticismAcknowledge your mistake, if you have

made a mistakeNegotiate differences

When differences are too great…

Sometimes communication can’t solve everything.

When you are at an impasse you can also:Try to see the situation from your

partner’s perspectiveSeek validating informationTake a breakTolerate differencesAgree to disagree