Challenging Assumptions and Getting Rid of the

Gremlins in Your Head

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© MakeADentLeadership 2019

By Shelley Holmes

Copyright Shelley Holmes 2019

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Thank you for respecting the hard work of the author.

During a recent coaching call, a client mentioned a troubling

conversation she had had with her CEO a year or so ago.

She was still a little rattled about the conversation and it was

having an impact on how she viewed her career.

As her story unfolded, I could see that she had blown it into bigger

proportions than it likely was.

So, I talked her through the FAIR tool. Within 5 minutes she had a

different view of the situation.

What had been eating away at her for over 12 months ... suddenly

it had a new meaning. She has a renewed sense of purpose,

determination and confidence. In this article, I'll take you through

the steps, so that you too can reframe something that has been

bothering you for a while.

Most of us have a gremlin that gnaws away in our

head. Picking at and worrying over an interaction that

we wish we could do over.

That is wasted energy and you need to stop it!

Here's the problem.

During any interaction, we make a whole bunch of assumptions

about what that person did or didn't mean/intend. Unfortunately,

we let the gremlins in our head go wild, based on those

assumptions.

Assumptions can cause you to:

✓ have prickly relationships with others

✓ put blocks on your dreams

✓ limit your success

✓ kill creativity

✓ lead you down the path to 'nuffin good!

Maybe you recognize this type of scenario:

You're sitting in your office, and Jo (one of your peers) pops in and

says:

Jo: ”Hey, I've just left Sue's office (Sue's your boss). She wants to

see you about your team."

You: "Uh, okay. I wonder what it's about?"

Jo: "Not sure, she was a bit short with me, so it didn't feel like I

could ask. She did say something good for my team though. Our

team is going to be the first to get new iPads. She said your team

will have to wait. She also mentioned that a couple of people in

Jen's team have been performing well. She's looking at rewarding

them with bigger opportunities. Anyhow, gotta fly, I'm off to buy

donuts for my team, to celebrate Al's birthday.”

As Jo disappears down the hallway you gulp and move into panic

mode!

"Oh heck, my team's not been performing at their best recently.

She's probably going to reward those performers from Jen's team

by giving them promotions, and then breaking our team up. What

if Sue demotes me to make way for the promotions? Surely she

wouldn't do that. We've only talked a couple of times about my

team and their need to start hitting more goals. Maybe she thinks

by demoting me she'll send a message to all the other team

members.

If she was short with Jo she'll likely be cranky with me. This can't

be good.

We are being punished for our performance. That's why we aren't

getting those iPads. It's sure to get my team hot under the collar if

they don't get their iPads fairly quickly after Jo's team."

And, blah blah blah - on you go with the story.

By the time you get to Sue's office, you've got a good story going

on in your head. You think you know why Sue's summoning you to

her office. You're convinced it's all about your team's performance

and the upcoming promotions of team members in Jo's team and

your team's disbandment! Your legs are trembling. You're feeling

defensive.

Unfortunately, you are likely to walk in with a vibe that is

confrontational or defeatist (depending on whether you're a flight

or fight kind of person).

What if you did this instead. Take 30 seconds, grab a piece of

paper and think back on your conversation with Sue and use the

FAIR Grid. The FAIR grid is a quick and easy way to sift out fact

from assumption. Information that is relevant or irrelevant.

FAIR Grid

Let's use the FAIR grid on the above scenario.

How much more rational will you be when you hit Sue's office, if

you take a few moments and think critically?

Whenever you find yourself starting to feel panic, hurt, anger,

surprise, defensiveness, you need to take a moment.

I like to call it the moment of choice.

Because whenever feelings are triggered, you can pretty much

guarantee that, unless you slow it down for a second and think

rationally, your feelings will likely send you down a path you don't

need to go.

More critically, even once the initial feeling has subsided unless

you sift through fact and assumption you are likely to believe the

story in your head about what the other person meant or what

their intent was. (And, like my client this could be a story that has

traction for a long, long time - and could be having a negative

impact on your relationships). More often than not, your story is

mostly wrong or based on flawed assumptions!

When you assume that you know what the other person meant or

intended you close yourself off to discovery, to opportunities to

strengthen your relationship, to get different, better results.

Because we are basically lazy, (and getting more so in this

microwave society in which we find ourselves), we tend not to

probe and ask questions.

Thinking critically means asking yourself:

✓ “What am I feeling and why?"

✓ “What am I inferring?"

✓ “What assumptions am I making?"

✓ “Does what I'm concluding make sense, given the facts I

have to hand?"

✓ “What could be good questions I could ask the other person,

so that I get closer to the truth of what they meant/

intended?"

Geneticists have a maxim: "We always get what we screen for".

And the same holds true for you. If the filter through which you

screen the interactions in your life is along the lines of, 'what

negative impact could this have for me' then your stories will

reflect that.

The stories in your head have a direct impact on how you interact

with others. Have a direct impact on whether you are happy or

stressed. Have a direct impact on how much a dent you make in

the universe.

Take Action

Think back on a recent (or even not so recent) interaction that

you've had with someone. An interaction that you walked away

from feeling less than inspired. Use the FAIR grid to go back over

the conversation and sift out fact from assumption. Relevant from

irrelevant. Once you've done that, give some thought to what

might be the appropriate action you should take. Do you need to

have a clarifying conversation with that person? Do you need just

to let it go and move on?

Your Happiness Depends on This!

Sonja Lyubomirsky, University of California, suggests that 50% of

your happiness is genetic, 10% depends on your circumstances

(job, home, mate etc) and 40% is under your power to control.

So guess what? You get to control the assumptions you make!

Control the assumptions, you are likely to control your happiness

levels.

If you are unhappy and stressed about a myriad of things in your

life, you might want to use the FAIR (Fact, Assumption, Irrelevant,

Relevant) tool on a regular basis. It is one of many tools you can

use to control your happiness levels and improve your ability to

live, love and lead remarkably!

Having a bunch of questions, like the ones below, will make you

that much stronger at sifting fact from assumption.

Fact Assumption

Relevant Irrelevant

Potential Clarifying Questions

When YOU are sifting fact from assumption

1. Help me understand what that phrase means to you.

2. I want to make sure I understand you completely.

3. What I think I hear you saying is this…….is that correct?

4. When you say that, I think of this as meaning …….Is that

correct?

5. When you use the word ………..I think this means …. Is that the

definition you had in mind?

6. When you say ……….. what does that mean to you?

7. Are you saying……….?

8. Let me reiterate what I think I heard.

9. I just want to clarify……..

10. I think I understand you, but let me make sure.

11. I’m not sure I get the gist of what you are saying.

12. It sometimes takes me a minute to let it all sink in. Can I re-

state it to make sure I’ve got it?

13. Where do you see my role fitting in this activity?

14. Which part of this is most relevant?

15. Is this information fact or assumption based?

16. Can you provide a bit more explanation for that last piece?

17. Can you provide a bit more detail for that section?

18. Can we take a deeper dive into that concept?

19. Can you help me draw the distinction between what you are

saying and ……..?

Potential Clarifying Questions

When you think SOMEONE ELSE might be making

assumptions

1. I want to make sure that we are both on the same page.

2. What outcomes are you looking for?

3. I want to make sure we can make a distinction

between….this….and …..that.

4. Sometimes I get ahead of myself.

5. Is this clear to you?

6. Do you feel comfortable with the information I’ve presented?

7. Do you have any questions?

8. Are you following this line of thinking?

9. Have I brought you up to speed?

10. Do you need anything further from me at this point?

11. Do you see where we might have gone off track?

12. Do you understand the end goal?

13. How are you feeling about what we’ve just spoken about?

14. Can you re-state what you’ve heard to make sure I am

communicating this well?

15. Can you share the thought process that led you to that

conclusion?

16. Can you share the facts as you see them?

About Shelley Holmes

Using tools, tips, ideas and strategies that help them to be really clear

about what is ‘success critical’ and how to get there fast, Shelley

inspires leaders to be a ‘rockstar’ in their industry, by living, loving,

and leading at a remarkable level.

For several years, Shelley was a key leader in a High-Performance

organization (that had national and international recognition). It is this

real-world experience that underpins and brings to life the theory and

insights gained, from her deep study of high performance leadership.

Around the globe, she has worked with organizations (with total

revenues in excess of $116 billion) and supports thousands of individual

leaders through, coaching, consulting, workshops, webinars, audio

programs and the Make A Dent Leadership website (which has over

5,000 visitors per day).

Shelley’s Philosophy...

Whether you like it or not how you show up at work defines you as a

human being.

On grand and small scales, the way you interact with others, the

products and services you are a part of delivering, all roll together to

become a part of the legacy that you leave behind. The way you deal

with others, the things you teach them, that cause them to grow, and

become a better version of themselves .... as individuals, work

colleagues, leaders, and parents ... now that defines who you are!

There are hundreds of resources like this at Make A Dent Leadership

where you can join our community of leaders who are focusing on

being inspired and inspiring and making their dent in the universe.

If you are ready to be the best possible version of yourself, to lead with

more energy and passion than you thought possible... if you are ready

to make a dent in the universe ... then:

You can connect with Shelley

Website: MakeADentLeadership.com

Contact: Email

Twitter: twitter.com/MakeADentLeader

Facebook: facebook.com/MakeADentLeadership

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/shelleyholmes