ccm conflict coaching - heartland mediators · heartland mediators association conference 2019...

HeartlandMediatorsAssociationConference2019

3/31/19

CoachingCommunicationSkillDevelopment 1

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CCM Conflict Coaching

Coaching Communication Skill Development   Coaching Nonverbal Competence   Coaching Confirmation/Respect

and Dealing with Disrespect © 2019 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC

The Comprehensive Conflict Coaching Model

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Preparatory Conversation

Stage 1: Discovering the Story -Initial story -Refining story -Testing story

Stage 2: Exploring 3 Perspectives -Identity -Emotion -Power

Stage 4: Enacting the Best Story -Coaching Confirming and Disconfirming Behaviors

Stage 3: Crafting the Best Story -Initial story -Refining story -Testing story

The Parallel Process: Learning Assessment

© 2019 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC


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Coaching Nonverbal Communication Competence

© 2019 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC 3

Goals � 1. Understand importance of nonverbal

communication to conflict escalation � 2. Relate non-verbal communication to conflict

and perspectives discussed in conflict coaching � 3. Introduce Gottman’s Four Horses and

“Dyssemia” – non-verbal social skills deficits and � 4. Learn coaching to improve non-verbal

communication



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What are these people communicating?

5 © 2019 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC

Non-verbal Communication

Communicating without words

�  Non-verbal communication is usually spontaneous �  Non-verbal communication can be strategic �  Non-verbal signals happen at the same time (many cues

making it harder to read) �  Non-verbal communication trusted more than verbal

communication



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The Basic Non-Verbal Signaling Systems �  The human body: Signaling multiple identities

(identification function) �  Space, gaze, and touch: An approach-avoidance

signaling system (relationship function) �  Facial expression: Communicating emotions and

more (emotion function) � Voice and gesture: Speaking and replacing speech

(delivery function)




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Non-verbal Communication and Conflict � Non-verbal communication can:

� Create perceptions of conflict � Escalate conflict � De-escalate conflict

� Non-verbal communication is more important than verbal communication in determining productive or destructive conflict management


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Destructive Non-Verbal Communication

GOTTMAN



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DESTRUCTIVE NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION

�  John Gottman’s research on marital conflict. �  Four Horsemen

�  Stonewalling �  Defensiveness �  Criticism �  Contempt

�  Ratio 5:1


STONEWALLING �  Withdrawal from the conflict (significant gender difference)

�  Blank facial expression � Gaze avoidance � Turning away �  Silence



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DEFENSIVENESS �  Feeling attacked; seeing self as victim

�  Pouting facial expression �  Shoulder shrugs � Gaze aversion � Whining � Crossing arms � Displacement activity � Masking smiles


CRITICISM �  Blaming the other of wrongdoing �  Nonverbal expressions of anger including:

� Angry facial expressions � Yelling �  Finger pointing �  Fist waving or pounding � Arm thrusting �  Staring



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CONTEMPT

�  The nonverbal counterpart to name calling � The facial expression of contempt � Rolling eyes �  Shaking head �  Smirking or laughing �  Parentese �  Sarcasm � Mocking and mimicking


Coaching Skills


� Recognizing if the client is using destructive nonverbal communication

� Roleplay conversations with other party videotaped and having them watch self (vocal tone and facial expression)

� Practice neutralizing the use of those behaviors


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Coaching Skills


� Recognizing if another is using contempt and defensiviness � Which non-verbals do you think you’re seeing? � If the non-verbals are contempt or

defensiveness, what can you do: � Non-verbal to soften interactions � Verbally to soften interactions � How can you use media vs. Face-to-face to

take the sting out of both of those?

Coaching Skills


�  Coaching the Four Horsemen Bobbie and Trish �  https://reelfireproductions.wistia.com/medias/ukptn0kxu0


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Dyssemia— Non-Verbal Skills Deficit


Non-Verbal Social Skills Deficits �  Poor Non-Verbal Communication skills may reflect a

learning deficit called Dyssemia. �  Inability to read emotions may be due to mild autism—

Asperger’s Syndrome. � Non-Verbal social skills disorders are associated with

ADHD and ADD. �  Research indicates that education and training make a

difference



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Dyssemia �  Dyssemia is“a difficulty in using non-verbal signs or signals.” �  Dyssemic people:

� Have difficulty sending and reading non-verbal cues of emotion, space, and liking/disliking

� Don’t understand how to engage in social interaction � Are often seen as “weird” or “off-putting” by others


Dyssemia – How Common Is It? �  About 10% of children and adults have Dyssemia �  About 7-10% of children and adults are Eusemic (have

extraordinary ability to read and use nonverbal social cues) �  The vast majority (80%) of children and adults fall somewhere in

between

Most people will benefit from learning effective non-verbal communication



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Great Books on Non-Verbal Social Skills and Dyssemia


ASSESSMENT with DANVA and/or EDI-A



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Assessment with Emory Dyssemia Index �  While DANVA is designed for individual assessment and

clinical application; Nowicki and Duke felt a need for an assessment that could be administered to larger numbers of people for easier and faster screening by psychologists, teachers, and counselors

�  EDI was designed to meet this need and is available in a version for children (EDI-C) and adults (EDI-A)


Coaching for Non-Verbal Skills Development



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Coaching Skills


�  How to assess if someone has non-verbal social skills deficits and how that’s contributing to the conflict: � How to use the EDI � DANVA (generally beyond the scope of coaching)

�  If someone has Dyssemia, coaching understanding of poor non-verbal behavioral affect on conflict: �  Potential attributions that decrease another’s interest in

collaborating with the client � Discomfort potentially caused by interacting with a Dyssemic �  Lack of ability to build alliances and supports � Coaching Using the EDI for a Dyssemic -- https://reelfireproductions.wistia.com/medias/4q4r9lkaan

Coaching Skills


�  How do you use language to compensate in situations of Dyssemia: �  If you are working with or in conflict with a Dyssemic, how you

can use emotion language or conflict language to help them understand the impact of their behavior and what you are feeling (moving from non-verbal to verbal communication)

�  If you are Dyssemic, how you can use language to identify yourself as a Dyssemic and ask for input from another about the conflict


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Emotion Language �  When dealing with a person with Dyssemia it is

CRITICAL that you can translate your emotional/rapport cues into language.

�  You need to put your feelings and intentions INTO words.

�  AND, you need to ask questions that help them bring their EMOTIONS AND INTENTIONS INTO WORDS.


Coaching Example


�  Leader who has a report with Dyssemia in conflict �  Coaching leader to break down why the behavior is creating

such tension individually and throughout the work group �  Coaching a Manager Dealing with a Dyssemic (Bobbie and

Trish, 12 minutes) �  https://reelfireproductions.wistia.com/medias/jsog71b18f


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Coaching Respect


Goals � 1. Overview of principles of respect � 2. Elements of disrespectful behavior � 3. Coaching for confirmation/respect and to

overcome disrespectful behavior � Video Examples � Worksheets for Practice � Role Play



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Respect

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� Many conflicts begin and/or escalate because one or more parties feel disrespected.

� Conflict coaches can help parties identify… � How they want to be respected � How they can show respect � Responses if someone is disrespecting them


Some Principles of Respect – Helping Them Think About Behaviors �  Respect must be shown �  Respect is never the same to every person; tailoring

respect to their identity and culture is critical �  To be effective, learn HOW they want to be respected �  To avoid being disrespected, TELL them how you want

to be respected



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Different Cultures and Signs of Respect


How Well Do You “Teach People How to Treat You?”

� Do you let someone know when you’d like to be treated another way?

� Have there been times when you’ve felt disrespected but haven’t talked with the other person about it?

�  Are you sometimes encouraging behaviors that you actually don’t like?

�  For each of these questions – are your answers different depending on person, context, relationship?



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Use Respectful Communication �  Send the message that you respect the importance of

this person and you respect the person they want to be. � Recognition – “I See You” � Acknowledgement – “I Hear/Understand

You” � Endorsement – “I Agree with You” Watching the following videos, can you pick out the respectful and disrespectful behavior? https://reelfireproductions.wistia.com/medias/2yyz6kxqn3 https://reelfireproductions.wistia.com/medias/nto2o4f5je


Recognition

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� Confirms that “You exist for me” �  Indicates you recognize the other is trying to

communicate with you � Can be either verbal or nonverbal

� Nonverbal e.g., making eye contact when they wish to engage

� Verbal e.g., using words such as a greeting and the person’s name to address them



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Acknowledgement

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� Confirms “I am aware of or interested in your perceptions, comments, or questions.”

� The key here is that you confirm the person’s perceptions, comments or questions without agreeing with them.

� Directly acknowledging the person’s statement or request

� Asking for clarification � Directly acknowledging their feelings © 2019 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC

Endorsement

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� Sends the message “The way you’re feeling is OK” or “The way you perceive is OK”

� Communicates agreement with the other person’s point of view or perception



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Endorsement (Cont.)

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� Agreement with Judgments—indicating you share their evaluation or opinion

� Agreement with Feelings—indicating that you understand and support the way they are feeling

� Supportive Response—explicitly endorsing their identity

� Compliment—saying something positive about them


Common Ways People Communicate Disrespect

�  Ignoring the person � Treating them like a child

(suggesting they don’t know what they think or want, suggesting they need your help)

� Belittling (insulting them or their ideas)



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Tests for Disrespect �  I feel s/he disrespected me, even if s/he agreed with me. �  I feel s/he wanted me to feel hurt or embarrassed in this

conversation. �  I would be very embarrassed if others saw him/her

communicating with me in this way. �  I can’t trust this person to work through the conflict with me. �  I need to defend myself �  I can’t concentrate on solving the problem until I feel more

protected and respected.


Disrespect = Disconfirmation

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�  Two basic ways to communicate disrespectfully or disconfirm someone: �  Indifference—When you ignore the other person �  Imperviousness—When you send a message that denies the

person’s self-experience



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Video Demonstration “Confirming the Other” Activity

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�  How well did the coach explaining confirmation skills and why are important for the party in this conflict situation?

�  How well did the coach use the worksheet to help the party learn about this skill and consider how to use it?

�  How well did the coach do in helping the party think through very specific ways to enact this skill? How well did the coach bring the skills development to behaviors the party would use?

�  How well did the coach provide opportunity for the party to practice the skills of confirmation that were discussed?

�  How well did the coach facilitate the party’s decisions about whether and how to enact certain behaviors for this skill?

�  https://reelfireproductions.wistia.com/medias/ygeuyk3zca


Respect Worksheets for Parties

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� Identifying Your Preferences for Confirming Behavior Activity

� Identifying Their Preferences for Confirming Behavior Activity

� Confirming the Other Activity � Seeing Confirmation in Action Activity � Disconfirmation in this Conflict Activity � Considering & Preparing an Apology Activity © 2019 Conflict Coaching Matters LLC


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Apology

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� Do you owe them an apology? � Are you willing to give one? � Can we craft an apology that takes responsibility

for the offense? � Clear statement of responsibility: � For what � Why it was wrong � With sincere regret � What can/will be done to repair


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ccm conflict coaching - heartland mediators · heartland mediators association conference 2019...

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