carlton chronicle 2003 07

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Carlton Chronicle, July/August 2003 1

WICKEDLY GOOD!The Devil came down to Merton

Review:................................. Kristen Bowditch

Carlton is no stranger to body swapping accidentswith hilarious results - who can forget the time that Jeff

and Cindy Graves brought back that mysticalornamental skull from South East Asia. During adispute about where to put it they both made foolishwishes along the lines of “well if you think it’s so easyhaving a career and trying to be a homemaker, you doit…” to which the shrunken worked its magic and to

their immense surprise dutifully transformed them. Needless to say Jeff now inhabiting Cindy’s body holed

himself up in the family bathroom and refused to comeout until he had “fully come to terms” with his newform. Luckily after a highly implausible plot featuringinternational jewel thieves, a mango and a high speed

car chase through the Savacentre car park, the couplewere returned to their original bodies.

Rather than this widely disseminated tale, MehmetIzbudak chose the lesser known Faustus legend for hisoriginal play about a Media Studies lecturer from NorthCheam who is chosen by the powers of Darkness as thefront-man for the Devil’s foray into the world of consumerism, the Evil brand. The body-swapping camein the form of the familial Faustus’s reward that of

coveting the ass of his cleaner (newcomer KirstyCollins) and gardener (John Gargrave in shorts). As the

fab four - Dave O’Sullivan played against type as the

seedy, past it professor who hated his nagging wife(disturbingly well-demonstrated by Val Foskett, thenKirsty Collins) with John Gargrave as thehorticulturally inspired demon and later Faustus himself being the Stygian glue that held the disparate plotthreads together.

Matthew Petty stepped into the cloven size nines of the Prince of Darkness, shunning the overdone,sacrificing of virgins, traditional fire and brimstone andhorns in favour of the more prosaic, “Evil Bank Manager” which frankly was so terrifying that severalof the more sensitive audience members fainted. As hishandmaidens of hell, Katy Hebbourn, Kate Rodgers,Jayne Giordanella, Lucie Morris (whose day job as a

journalist for the Daily Mail obviously prepared her for this devilish turn), Belinda Thomas and Kathie

Arundell aroused the audience (from the monsoon heat)as the demonic sextet.

Other infernal incubi were Carl Whiteside, Jeff Graves and Andrew Candish as a cameo selection of

news reporters, advisors to the prime minister andfiendish henchmen, Kay Elliot and Alison Raffan wereentertainingly natural as “ordinary members” of the public and Mike Tierney expansive talent for mimicrywas demonstrated as he took up the reigns of our beloved leader Tony Blair. Finally special mentionmust go to our very own Deus Ex Machina and allround theatrical divinity James Grayston for his sterling

performance as the one and only (if the Christians are to be believed) God.

All in all, Dr and Mrs Faustus was a thoroughlyenjoyable performance for cast, crew and audiencealike, chocked full of fine performances,characterisation and witty punning, which provided aremarkably slick evening’s entertainment especiallyconsidering the challenging rehearsal process. Welldone to all involved, especially the virgins.

KB

In This Issue~

Carlton Info & Calendar 2 & 13

Dates for your diary~

The ProbePage 5

The New Committee reveals all

~

Death Behind The ScenesPage 3

Part IV – Into The Darkness

~

My Bizarre Double LifePage 9

Grim pasts and secret lives

the official organ of the

Carlton Dramatic Societ

Free where sold




Continuing our theatrical thriller

serial, we present…

DEATH BEHIND THE SCENESBy Toby Hardwood

Part IV – Into the Darkness

The Policeman tapped his foot irritably, hands jammed against narrow hips, which held a pair of regimental trousers, pressed with razor sharp seams,much higher than one would’ve expect for a man of such slight build. The gaunt thrust of his jaw suggesteda serious demeanour, but the scowl on his lipsconfirmed the air of great annoyance.

Annie demurely brushed the dirt from her dress,looking anywhere but the Policeman’s face and its

demandingly glare. Timothy on the other hand,struggled to repress a rueful grin. “Hello Clarence,” hesaid taking a tactful step to the side, and subconsciously

acknowledging the etiquette laws of social proximity.The ferocity of the Policeman’s tapping foot trebled

and he sucked a long, cold and audible breath between pursed lips. He pushed his narrow shoulders back and

focused his glare on Timothy alone.“Oh, I mean Sergeant Smythe, sorry.” Timothy

cheerfully corrected himself by cocking his head andreturning the Policeman’s hawkish glare with an impishgrin.

Timothy was not being deliberately disrespectful tothis bastion of law and order. But as many had privately pointed out over a pint, it was difficult to take such a

stickler for protocol, as one Sergeant Clarence Smythewas, seriously once you’d seen him prance around thestage in a pair of black tights sporting a donkey mask.And even harder for those who had witnessed theenumerable drag acts that seemed to be the Sergeant’s

penchant for the society’s Christmas party.“Do you think it’s funny Mr Weston,” Sergeant

Smythe addressed everybody by title and surname whenin uniform. “To recklessly endanger the life of a ladywith such tomfoolery?” The sarcasm curled his mouthto reveal a row of chipped and crooked teeth that hintedat a youth rougher than his air of aplomb wouldsuggest.

“Oh come on Clarence,” Annie blurted. “I washardly in any danger…”

Sergeant Smythe silenced her with a rigidly raisedfinger. “Please Mrs Matthews, I’m addressing Mr

Weston.” Annie’s face flushed with anger and for afleeting moment the colour of her cheeks matched the pink of her cardigan. She involuntarily took a stepforward, breath chilled, but bile boiling.

Timothy sensed her fury and although there was

nothing he liked more than to see such a powerful

woman in flight, common sense told him the situationwas such that it demanded he put such voyeuristicdelights to one side.

“Sergeant Smythe,” he leapt in, resting a gentle yetrestraining hand on her arm. “Mrs Matthews wassimply verifying what I saw so that we might facilitateyour investigation. I assure you she was in no physicaldanger…”

A rare smile danced at the corners of SergeantSmythe’s lips.

“At least not from you,” he interjected slyly. “So,what exactly did you see?” he relaxed his stance - a

calculated act - and stepped forward, crossing his arms.“What’s so important that I need be dragged from myhouse while Mrs Smythe’s oven baked dinner grows

ever inevitably cold on the side board?”“Well Clarence…” Annie started tersely, but once

again the Sergeant tensed at the familiarity, and thistime Annie’s common sense prompted a more

conciliatory tone. “I mean Sergeant Smythe. There’s a pair of boots hanging from the lighting grid in theauditorium.”

“A pair of boots?” the Sergeant mused with anapparent air of disinterest.

“Not just a pair of boots,” Annie fought the bubblingurge to slap the man. “But there’s a pair of trousersattached to them!”

A thought visibly crossed Sergeant Smythe mindand with mild concern he looked at Timothy. “Do youhave your keys Mr Weston?”

“Yes, but it appears the doors have been locked fromthe inside,” said Timothy.

“From the inside? All three doors?” The Sergeantexclaimed. “Did you check the priory coal chute as

well?”Timothy felt a crimson burn creep into his cheeks.

He’d forgotten about the coal chute. It had long falleninto disuse, but it was still there on the High Road sideof the building.

“I never thought of it,” he admitted. “It hasn’t beenused for decades.”

“No time for laments,” barked the Sergeant. “I’ll getthe bolt cutters from the Panda.” He leapt into action.“You two get to the chute.” Annie and Timothy looked

at each other as the Policeman scuttled his willowyframe back toward the car park, then they raced roundthe other side of the building.

The coal chute was simply a square of concrete builtat a forty-five degree angle to the wall and covered by

an iron plate hinged to one side. It was barely three foot

square and in the grey light, looked damp anduninviting.“How the devil are we going to get down that?”

Timothy pondered, staring at the rusty iron door.




“You won’t Mr Weston,” observed Annie, “but I

will” she said emphatically.Timothy looked at her in concern. “Oh Annie, we

couldn’t possibly….”His voiced caught in his throat, suddenly conscious

of his indiscretion, prayerful that it would be welcomed,or at the very least that it might slip by unnoticed.

Annie sensed the warm glow that such unforcedinformality confers, and smiled graciously at thesincerity in the gentleman’s eyes. As the seconds passed, both sensed a microscopic shift in their respective perceptions. The moment was destroyed bythe breathless arrival of Sergeant Smythe wielding alarge pair of Police issue bolt cutters.

“Mrs Matthews,” he said working the jaws into position at the nape of the hook. “Given the gravity of the situation, I’m going to wave procedure and ask for your assistance.”

Annie, forgetting the earlier slight, was visiblyexcited. “Would you like me to crawl down the chute?”

“Yes,” he said sternly. “But once in the basementyou must make your way directly to front doors and letme in. If what’s happened is what I think has happen,you’ll be in no danger, but I don’t want you taking anydetours do you understand?”

Annie resisted her natural inclination to tell SergeantSmythe exactly where he could put his bolt cutters andsimply nodded. After a minute of solid exertion,Sergeant Smythe stood breathlessly back, the boltcutter’s jaws having barely made an impression on the

cast iron hook.“May I have a shot Sergeant Smythe?” Timothy

enquired politely. The Policeman wiped the sweat from

his brow and stood back. “If you insist, but mind youdon’t hurt yourself,” he said sternly.

Timothy clasped the cutter’s handles in each of his paws and gingerly took the strain. The padlock lookedas old as he himself and he had little doubt the Smithywho’d forged it had known what he was doing. Thehandles resisted the tension he exerted, the hook stubbornly refusing to yield to the jaws. As Timothyapplied greater and greater force, the veins on the side

of face bulged as his heart struggled to keep the bloodfrom being squeezed from every constricting muscle heused. The jaws sliced the hook with no warning.Timothy staggered slightly and exhaled a breath thathad been expelled deep from within.

“Oh well done Timothy!” Annie exclaimed with anexcited clap of her hands.

The Policeman ignored both of them and with a

determined tug pulled back the coal chutes iron lid. “Notime to loose Mrs Matthews,” he said. ”In you go.”

Timothy struggled to find his breath, but regainedhis composer quick enough to proffer his hand, whichwas grasped with a warm smile.

Annie stepped gingerly towards the hole and peeredin. It was dark, and a musty smell wafted up from deep below. The light that filtered down was pallid and

dusty. She could just make out some evenly spaced

grooves, which had fortuitously been cut into the lower side of the chutes concrete casing. Carefully she turned

and extended her foot. It was a stretch, but the toe of her boot perched neatly in the centre of the groove. Itcrossed her mind as she stretched her other foot down,having reluctantly given up the warm and comfortinghand of Timothy Weston for the cold lip of the coalchute, that it must have been built with a particularlyslight man in mind. A child perhaps? Or perhaps men inthose days, she thought wistfully, weren’t as broad astheir modern counter parts. The thought of TimothyWeston’s broad shoulders was enough to distract her from the notion that other, creeper and less invitingcreatures would surely inhabit the hole that she wasnow invading.

“Are you alright down there Annie?” she heardTimothy’s concerned voice call from the square of light

six feet above her head.“I’m fine, I’m at the bottom, don’t worry!” she

called back.She kicked the iron door that guarded the entrance to

the cellar and was relieved to feel it yield slightly.Squatting in the dusty pit, she leant her shoulder againstthe doors, recklessly ignoring the fate of her pink cardigan. The door resisted momentarily, but begrudgingly gave way with a groan, opening to a roomcluttered with eerie shapes and shadows. It took aminute for her eyes to adjust, but when they did shefound the ambient light just enough to see. For once in

her life she heeded the advice of authorityunconditionally. It was spooky down here, and cold.She had no desire to dally any longer. She hurried to the

cellar door and clambered up the stairs two at a time.As she reached the auditorium, she headed for the front

doors, but curiosity is compulsive in a woman of her nature. She stopped and looked up, into the grid. “Mr Tollington!” she gasped allowed, but on this occasion,there was no reply from the society’s esteemedTreasurer.

~ Tune in next month for the next exciting episode of - DEATH BEHIND THE SCENES




The New CarltonCommittee

BUMPER EDITION!

The AGM saw a new committee

voted in. This prog, the Probe

worked its magic on a few of them…

See Page 2 for details of the new

committee.

Hello, how are you? Did you enjoy Faustus?CINDY: Fine thank you, but glad it's Friday! Yes.MATT: I had a great time, all those ladies at my beck and call. Onstage was fun too etc…

KATHIE: I'm fine thanks - and yes Faustus was great fun - certainly a challenging production but in the end the cast

bonding and commitment produced a show to be proud of.

CARL: Fine thank you. I was in it so, “yes immensely!”. I think that's the official party line!

KIRSTY: I'm super cos the sun is shining and I have sunburnt shoulders but I don't care. Faustus was great fun. It wasa lovely team of people to work with and I am very lucky they let me get away with having such a great part when I

was such an unknown quantity. It was also extremely hot....and I think I lost about two stone just sweating on stage!!

LUCIE: I'm really well thanks. I found the whole Faustus hilarious from the rehearsals right through to the hot tub orgy

which turned my floors into a Glastonbury style mud-bath and resulted in a visit from two officers of the Wimbledon

constabulary. (Or were they the strippers?)

How long have you been a Carlton member?CINDY: Not sure exactly, probably about 4½ years.

MATT: 3 years. Blimey.

CARL: 5 Years now

KATHIE: Oo er - ages! 11 years at last count.....

LUCIE: Only four months and I'm already exhausted and concerned for my mental health.

KIRSTY: Feb/March (whenever Faustus started) Although I now have trouble remembering life before Carlton!!

Were you in theatre before the Carlton?CINDY: I stage managed a school production when I was about 11 and was in Jack and the Beanstalk when I was 12 – where I developed my fear of acting!

MATT: Yes, I’ve loitered around stages for a long time, at school, college, local amateur and independent stuff. Itwould appear I’m addicted.

LUCIE: I performed in a play at the Edinburgh Fringe called Frontiers when I was 17 but then nothing since except

performing in university concerts playing the double bass.CARL: Apart from the usual youth theatre, I did a Performing Arts & Business Mgt degree. I worked as a Theatre

Manager in the West End for a year while I've been with Carlton

KATHIE: Well at times my life seems to have been a theatre production, so if you

want to count that.....!

KIRSTY: I did a lot of Youth theatre in my teens and did a season with the National Youth Theatre in Edinburgh,

(although there was quite a high ratio of drinking compared to acting). Then I went on to drink my way through atheatre degree at Warwick University. Tell you what, this acting lark isn't half bad for your liver!!

What Carlton productions have you been involved in?MATT: ‘Acted’ in Hypo, Macbeth, Much Ado, Othello, Liaisons, a couple of workshops. Did sound for Tis Pity and a

bit for Butler.CARL: TONS! LOADS! Sorry Carl, running out of space! I can provide a separate list if people want. – Ed LUCIE: In Faustus I was Paimon, also known as Devil number five, who was forced to obey all of Matthew Petty's

orders and believe me they were rude sometimes. That Lucifer really took advantage. I'm now enduring the roller

coaster experience of Raw Theatre.

CINDY: Too many to list, but have stage managed (or ASM'd) 11 productions and a few workshops. Also directed

and acted in a workshop production.

KATHIE: Enough to keep me happy: Witness for the Prosecution (Police Surgeon) was my first and then some of the

others (inpo): Orestes (Helen of Troy), Camp Erpingham (busybody camp visitor), Lysistrata (one of the Spartan gals),Amadeus (Baron von Swieten), Woman of No Importance (some bird with a posh accent) 84 Charing Cross Road

(Helene Hanff), For Whom the Bell Tolls (Mama), Naomi in the Living Room (Nutty Naomi), Shirley Valentine

(Shirley), The Graduate (Mrs R,) (these last four were Workshops) The Scottish Play (Gentlewoman), Faustus (No 4!)

If there are others - can't remember!

KIRSTY: Just Faustus - Lucy ( the she devil)




KIRSTY: Dancing.....you asking?

CARL: Performing in RawACTive on Saturday and then getting over the hangover on Sunday!

LUCIE: I'm off to Lymington in Hampshire to see my family to do lots of eating, drinking, boating and sunbathing on

the sandbanks in Poole.

What do you do for a living?CINDY: As little as possible – Information Co-ordinator (yawn!)

MATT: Consultant Engineer. I wear blue shirts for a living.

CARL: I work in the Sales Support team as an Account Handler for an Insurance Company. I liase with corporateclients setting up accounts, general shmoozing, that sort of thing.

KATHIE: Work in the horseracing industry and generally horse around!! :O)

KIRSTY: I am a Producer for a Live Events company.

LUCIE: I've just become a Feature Writer for the Daily Mail where I've worked for the last four years as a newsreporter travelling a lot on various world events and disasters and investigating other interesting scandals. And no, I

don't turn over asylum seekers before anyone asks again!

What's your tipple?CINDY: Tia Maria & Coke

CARL: Lager, lager, lager!

MATT: Lager or Whisky. Brand depends on who’s buying.

KATHIE: I think my reputation precedes me on that but for the who-who record: Wine. Also enjoy a G&T.

KIRSTY: Vodka, lime and lemonade ....although being a proper girly I do love my Malibu...

LUCIE: Pink champagne or vodka cranberry.

Last film you saw?CINDY: Can't remember and it wasn't that long ago!

MATT: The Matrix Reloaded. Dreadful. Last decent film I saw was Solaris.

LUCIE: Bend it Like Beckham - because I am his number one fan.

KATHIE: Chicago which was fab.CARL: 8 mile - brilliant. Although the outtake "battles" were better than the ones in the film. Eminem was supposed to

mime but someone dissed him so he turned the mic on and shot them down in verbal flames!

KIRSTY: Charlies Angels Full Throttle....Just the best film this year. Serious girl power for the women and a perv fest

for the blokes.

First album you ever bought?CARL: God, I have no idea. Probably Black Lace or Now 10 or something - this sort of thing just isn't important to the

younger generation!CINDY: Can't remember, but my first single was ‘I’ve got a brand new combine harvester’ by the Wersells (excuse the

spelling) - well I did grow up in the country!

LUCIE: Kylie's first album. (give me a break I was only 13 and Neighbours was at its height!)

MATT: First album – Talking Heads – True Stories? I know I got the single ‘Double Dutch’ by Malcolm McClaren

free with a pair of Clarks Commandos.

KATHIE: Can't say - gives too much away!

KIRSTY: Aha - Hunting High and Low . Very sad I know but I was very young and there was something strangely

attractive about a man with a name as ridiculous as Morton Harkett.

Who would you want to play you in the film of your life story?CINDY: Demi Moore.

CARL: Kevin Spacey - he's an absolute legend (although he doesn't look like me)

MATT: James Woods. Or Max Von Sydow. Or Klaus Kinski.

LUCIE: Anyone with 34 DDs will do.KATHIE: Might as well go to the top: Katherine Hepburn.

KIRSTY: I'd like to think someone sexy like Cameron Diaz but I can't imagine I'd have the budget.

Describe yourself in 3 words.CINDY: Friendly, helpful & pedantic

MATT: Affable, Sensitive, Tallish.LUCIE: Nosey, silly, Juicy

CARL: Tall, slim, liar!

KATHIE: Honest, emotional (that encompasses a lot),loyal

KIRSTY: Kirsty Lynne Collins

If you had to compare yourself to a cartoon character, which one would it be?CINDY: Penelope Pitstop or Betty Rubble (I can't decide which!)

CARL: Apparently I'm most like Fred FlintstoneMATT: Jason from Battle of the Planets, because I’m a brooding enigma. (for ‘brooding enigma’ read ‘grumpy sod’)

LUCIE: Jessica Rabbit with roots.

KATHIE: Oh dear I don't know - how about Olive Oyl (Popeye's girlfriend)




KIRSTY: Pikachu for Pokemon, just ‘cos of the groovy noise it makes and because one of my best friends would be a

psychic duck.

Do you have any dreams, hopes, aspirations?CINDY: World domination, to devolve homo sapiens into homo moronis - whoops, see SM's get just as brain washed!!

To live a happy, healthy & full life (don't want much do I?!!)

MATT: To make my mark and leave them wondering.

CARL: I'd love to become a professional director. Just need to pay off my last student loan first!!

LUCIE: When I'm bored of travelling and holding naked parties I'll buy a husband from the 'out of date' section of Sainsbury's, have lots of babies and bake poisonous cakes for the WI while working from home as a freelance

journalist.

KATHIE: Aspirations: finish my book; Hopes: that goodness will always overshadow badness, but then unfortunately,

I'm a dreamer. Dreams: so where is that white knight I keep dreaming about!! He always seems to fall in love with his bleeding horse!

KIRSTY: I'd love to travel, open a donkey sanctuary and then marry a very rich man and never work again. Is that a bit

shallow?

What aims do you have as a Committee member?CINDY: To get all our furniture, props etc. boxed up and logged properly (very sad, I know) and of course to help the

society continue to grow and prosper.

LUCIE: As publicity officer I aim to expose all the dirty skeletons in the cupboards of each and every Carlton member

in the News of the World.

MATT: To keep people in the know, get as many people actively involved as possible, and what Cindy said.CARL: This year - cream off enough money for another holiday, surround sound speakers for my PS2 and a new

couch. Seriously - to ensure that we start to improve our financial position by looking for ways to exploit financial

opportunities. To reduce the reliance on profitable productions so that we're not having to pick productions based on

their financial merit, more on their artistic merit.

KATHIE: No doubt we will be faced with a number of challenges over the coming year. Speaking as Chair, I am

hopeful that we will be able to rise to them. To paraphrase: “Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot

change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

KIRSTY: I'd like to help make the Committee as open minded to fresh ideas and as approachable as possible. I think its

really important this year to really work on raising the profile of Carlton in the local community.

If you have any nominations for someone to be subjected to The Probe, let the editor know at the usual address. One person will be chosen at random from the nominations. Those not chosen will be carried over.

*introductions charged at these rates – honest = free, tactful = £5, friendly = £10, glowing = £15** hubba hubba – Ed.

Trying to hold in the results of the Friday night curry at the Matinee was getting painful

PAY YOUR (increased) SUBS!Or these instruments will have to be used

No. 93: ‘Rusty’ The Cheese

GraterYour subs keep the CDS alive – do the right thing!

Your nipples will thank you.




We continue our shocking series

profiling the more desperate charactersin the Carlton. Fear them, for they are in

our midst…

My Bizarre Double LifeThis prog - Rubella Tokenblack on PAUL FLANNERY

In this issue we are privileged to be allowed to

look into the life of one of the Carlton's newer

members. Paul Flannery, though of tender yearshas an interest more frequently associated with

great age and life experience; which the more

judgmental and strait-laced among us might

condemn as dangerous or nonsensical. When you

think about it, it's no more dangerous than Aubs'

and James Derbyshire's big, fast motorbike hobby

nor more dubious than Mike Tierney's belief in

astrology. Paul is a witch.

Paul has to plan meticulously his activities with

the Carlton so as not to clash with important dates

in the occult calendar. For example, Cindy's andIan's joint birthday bash on Friday 20th June saw

Paul's attendance but had it been on Saturday 21st -

Summer solstice - then he would have had to make

his excuses: a higher power would have taken

precedence. Paul has told me he is dreading the day

that a play which includes his dream role comes

up, only for him to be compelled to turn it down in

favour of His Duty.

Paul was only able to reveal some of the facts:

the finer details are known only to the few. Besides

which, Paul isn't only a new kid on the block to theCarlton. There are many old-timers in the Robin

Hood Coven of Wicca who regard him as a fly-by-

night (no pun intended!) who will lose interest and

move on, as so many do, once the seductive

euphoria of the supernatural has dwindled. They

would take a dim view of Paul spouting sacred

knowledge to The Carlton Chronicle, inviting

ridicule and further prying into their closed world.

Paul assures me, however that his devotion to dark

forces runs deep within him and he has committed

himself - for life - to the cause of propagating

knowledge of 'the noble craft' to those who will

keep an open mind.

So what does it involve, Paul's devotion to

witchery? Paul chooses to mix many of the ancient

traditions handed down from the Druids with many

that have only come to Britain recently. Hours

before a coven meeting Paul will meditate, inhale

incense and suspend himself from his ceiling by

leather straps, an Australian aboriginal custom

believed to prepare mind and body for a gruellingonslaught. Tradition encourages the acolyte to eat a

small animal such as a rodent or toad but as a

vegetarian Paul substitutes a biscuit on which he

will write 'mouse' or something. Just as the

communion host in the Catholic Church is not - inmolecular terms - the body of Christ but is

spiritually; likewise Paul's biscuit is his token small

creature and is, he believes, entirely equivalent to

him consuming one. Then, just as the Chipute tribe

of Vermont do, Paul gathers twigs and builds a

ceremonial structure in his bedroom which would

protect his crops (if he grew any) from harmful

weather and insects while he is absent from home.

Next, Paul departs from his own, personal choice

of ceremonies and moves on to what the other

coven members will be doing at the same time intheir homes. He has a shower to purify himself and

then, while still wet, smears his body in offal. This

comes from a ceremonially slaughtered goat (no

butcher's trimmings, thank you!) a share of which

will be delivered to his home by a coven member

the previous day for him to keep in the fridge.

Paul's flat mate is utterly bewildered every time

this sandwich box of gore appears but Paul daren't

let on what he's doing for fear that he will be

judged as weird. Perish the thought, say we! That's

why he has felt able to come clean about this withhis friends in the Carlton, because he regards us as

non-judgemental. Well, let's face it, who among us

now has a head full of apprehension about Paul?

Exactly! The Carlton is all about free expression,

isn't it? So, once he has - and he is very thorough -

covered himself in blood and meat fragments, it's

on with the plastic mac and a short walk to the 200

bus stop where, as he waits, he dreams of the

debauchery which he will indulge in after he gets

off in West Wimbledon. A glance at his watch - the

witching hour draws near. No! That was a tiny

piece of bone on the watch face - it's still early.

The excitement builds. On the bus, no matter how

packed it is, Paul always has plenty of space to

himself, such is the smell from his preparation

ceremony.

To cross Wimbledon Common in the dark holds

no fear for Paul, nor do the weirdoes and nutters

the Common famously attracts. He is carrying a

talisman that will protect him from evil forces. He

goes at a brisk trot because he likes to arrive 'ripe'.Running in a plastic mac has this effect, he finds.

There is nothing worse for a coven member than to




be shunned for being too 'worldly' i.e. bringing to

the ritual the sterile, deodorant lifestyles we folk of

the westernised world regard as civilised. On his

arrival in the little clearing in the middle of Putney

Heath Paul waits, panting in the soothing

moonlight for the rest of the coven to turn up. They

trickle in, one with a huge mongrel on a rope; onewith a pedigree Siamese cat in a cage (black is so-

o-o...); another brings a giant plastic container of

water; a bundle of sticks and paper; a sack of

herbs, home made wine. But jobseekers'-

allowance-claiming new age travellers they are

not! These are mostly well-heeled professionals,

comfortably-off, some retired, all exploring the

darker side of life in the London borough with the

most green space and the most spiritual nature -

Wandsworth. By day they may seem materialistic,

watching their tracker funds; sitting on their ISAs;clipping their hedges. But for a few nights a year

they commune with another realm: they step off

the northern extremity of SW19 and plummet,

spinning uncontrollably into the black maw of the

underworld.

I was intrigued to know how it all began. Paul

explained that while walking back from a wild

night of many excesses in White City (judge not,

lest ye be judged!) he staggered, stupid, with

aching kidneys and dilated pupils across Tibbett's

Corner roundabout at 3:30 am. He steeled himself

for the infinite polar trek that is Wimbledon Park

Side when he heard on the rare southerly wind the

hypnotic throb of a drum and the unmistakable

banshee-howl of a woman pent between torment

and ecstasy, wanting neither... yet craving both.

Paul's first period chemistry practical was entering

its coursework stage and he felt the need to

consolidate it with a geography field trip. We all

know that a rhythmic beat can move the

intoxicated - moreover a cry of agony or agitationcan rouse them to move fast. Before he knew it

young Paul was following a path like a compass

needle. He trekked through bramble thicket, bog

and fox-torn Asda carrier bags until - scratched,

nettle-stung and gasping for breath - he saw it. A

richer yellow than the moon, it flickered, fire-like.

It was a fire. Seen one, seen 'em all. However, a

fire surrounded by a circle of hooded figures was a

novelty; as was a fire being leapt over by a

succession of naked, besmeared and nubile women.

Paul watched in silence from his dark vantage point, deep in the bushes but within seconds the

eerie pipe music and hypnotic drum beat stopped.

One by one the people turned until they were all

facing him, silent, staring. By some non-visual,

non-aural means his presence had been detected.

Paul, having both the paranoia of an Amsterdam-

weekend and Dutch courage in him was torn

between running away as fast as he could and

walking out into the clearing to greet them. With

his consciousness on a higher plane he perceived afeeling of tolerant and patient energy, yet an

urgency. As if no longer in control of his faculties

(no novelty there though!) he found himself

compelled, regardless of his will to walk toward

the circle. As he did so a middle aged woman

emerged and placed herself between Paul and the

fire, dropping her hood and opening her cloak wide

to reveal brown stains covering her entire body.

She told him he could leave or stay but must decide

immediately; that if he decided to leave, all

memory of what he had just seen would be takenfrom him but he would go unharmed; and if he

stayed he would be initiated into the coven and

take a vow of secrecy which, were he to break it, a

spell would be cast against him such that...

At that point in our interview Paul said "Oh

bugger! I knew there was something" and made a

grab for my tape recorder and notebook. My

reflexes were far sharper than his and I salvaged

everything, in order to bring it to you, Carlton

member. He knelt before me and implored me to

give him the tape, he even offered me money but I

have principles, as you, loyal reader will know.

Investigative journalists get things that transcend

material worth and it is our duty to let them be

known. Paul asked me to include a mention that he

was emigrating immediately and that he wanted to

say goodbye to all his beloved Carlton friends with

whom he had shared so much. I told him not to be

so melodramatic, left as quickly as I could and

filed my story with Matt immediately, such is my

sense of duty to the truth. Please, don't all convergeon Putney Heath on the first moonlit night after

this is published - spread your visits over several

months.

~ And there’ll be more irreverent biography next time. Stay

tuned, boppers.




CARLTON SUMMER FAIRWhat?

The Carlton, in association with the lovely* Lucie, ishaving a fair to raise funds for the Red Cross and

Carlton Dramatic Society.When?

Saturday 2nd of August, from 2pm to 5pm

Where?Lucie's Garden, Garden Flat One, 4 Homefield

Road, Wimbledon Village

Tel: xxxxx xxxxxxxxx

What Else?There will be Jewellery stalls, brand new book stalls,

cake stalls, and, of course, the famous HOT TUB!

The 2nd of August is almost upon us!

Time to get organised for the great Carlton and RedCross Fair, so read on...

What Can I Do?This all sounds fantastic - but what can you do to

help? We need offers of cakes for the cake stall, bric-a- brac for the bric-a-brac stall, and some inventive ways

of raising money - what about a face painting stall? Or photos from the last production to order and sell(attention Simon and Jane, etc..)

WE NEEDCakes for the stall, suitable prizes for raffles,

donations for refreshments, etc (not much, then..!)

Any donations of bric-a-brac, books, etc, which youneed to make ahead of time can either be brought alongto 'Two Gent's' rehearsals and given to Lucie, or if you

wish, Kate can collect them in the week beginning 28thJuly - just let us know ahead of time.

Offers of help, stalls, etcThanks for the ideas for stalls and games, etc - we

are really grateful! If you can definitely help with

setting up, running a stall, or designing signs, etc, please let Ruth or Kate know, and we will get back to

you with details.

Come Along And Enjoy!But most of all, we need you to come along and

enjoy the fair, invite your friends, and

spend,spend

, spend

!!! Any offers of help will begratefully received - please contact Ruth or Kate.

And FinallyAs you know, it is more important than ever that we

have money in our coffers, but also that we pulltogether as the talented bunch of creative, intelligentactorrrs and actoresses that we are!

See you on the 2nd!* see page 8 for editorial rates.

DR FAUSTUS WORDSEARCH ARNREOCTCUDORPIR

CIOQEBTNGSVWXZKE

RCIQNORTHCHEAMQD

EHTAKISSOFLIFEXE

AEUXVBIVNNSGNJEM

TSLPWIPCOLINOJNP

IJOQAIWOMLNIIHST

OKVDWWPGEIOTTUSINZERNFSIDWREAMEO

DRDREHPTWEOKRACN

RKOMKXZAPEMRONCX

HTDDCYTTZROAPIUN

ZUXEIJDITFMMRTSV

FIAVHATOHSOZOYVL

JAZICWWNLJHMCGYF

IRXLYOUTHWJLMJVI

See page 13 for answers – no cheating!




Carlton Dramatic Society InformationWe meet twice a week, on Mondays and

Thursdays, at the Wimbledon Community

Centre, St. George's Road in Wimbledon at 8.00 pm. After rehearsals (10.30 pm until we get

thrown out), you'll usually find us in the

Hogshead pub at the bottom of Wimbledon Hill.

All are welcome to pop in to a rehearsal, or catch

us in the pub – see you there!

We’ve been running for over 75 years, and we

currently have nearly 70 members - and new

members are always welcome!

Here’s a quick description of a show week:Sunday ...................Get in and set up in theatre

Monday .................................... Dress rehearsalTuesday............................ First night – nerves!

Wednesday.................................Getting into it

Thursday .................................. Nearly halfway

Friday...................................After Show Curry

Saturday ............................................ Matinee /

..................................................... Final Show /

............................................................Get out /

................................................................Party!

Sunday ................. That was fun! What’s next?

The Carlton Chronicle

is the official newsletter of Carlton Dramatic

Society.

Editor: Matthew Petty

Contributors: Kristen Bowditch, Toby Hardwood,

Rubella Tokenblack, Anthony H. Wilson.

Please send contributions, reviews, adverts, praise,

money to: [email protected]: see opposite

Contacting the CarltonCarlton Dramatic Society can be contacted in the

following ways:

Email ........................ [email protected]

Post .......................................... 22 Landseer Close

........................................................Merton Abbey

...................................................................London

.............................................................SW19 2UT

Website............. http://www.carltonidrama.org.uk

The C ARLTON C OMMITTEE

in alphabetical order

Kathryn Arundell..........................................................Chair

Jeff Graves ...........................................................Vice-Chair

Kate Mitchell & Ruth Brooks..............Social & FundraisingCindy Graves ..........................................Stage Management

Lucie Morris & Kirsty Collins................................ Publicity

Matthew Petty ...................................................... Newsletter

Alison Raffan..........................................................Secretary

Carl Whiteside ....................................................... Treasurer

HOW MUCH?

Yearly Subscription............... £40

Associate Membership.......... £20

Full Production Cast Fee....... £10

Workshop Cast Fee ................. £5

These fees are subject to change at anytime.

To pay any fees, just give a cheque, payable to Carlton Dramatic Society, to

the Treasurer, or post it to the address

above, or ask the Treasurer for theaccount number for direct payments.




Carlton CalendarYour regular guide to what’s

up and what’s on at the

Carlton and elsewhereAnother month, another format. If there is anything missing from the calendar I do apologise – my

clairvoyance is affected by Hay Fever. You’ll have to help me out by emailing me any items you would

like to see included.rawACTive Heat 4

Saturday 26 July

19:00, Colour House Theatre~

Move Carlton stuff from garage to WCC

Saturday 26 July

~

Carlton Committee & Dinner

Tuesday 29 July

~rawACTive Heat

Saturday 2 August

19:00, Colour House Theatre~

Carlton Summer Fair

Saturday 2 August~

rawACTive Grand Final

Saturday 9 August

19:00, Colour House Theatre

~Two Gents Get-in

Sunday 2 November

10:00, Wimbledon Studio Theatre~

Two Gents Dress Rehearsal

Monday 3 November

20:00, Wimbledon Studio Theatre

~

Two Gentlemen of Verona

Tuesday 4 to Saturday 8 November

19:00, unknown~

Carlton Christmas Party

Saturday 13 December 2003

19:30, Wimbledon Community Centre, Room H ~

Carlton Workshops

Thursday 26 to Friday 27 February 200419:30, Wimbledon Community Centre~

Carlton Spring Show

Tuesday 1 to Saturday 5 June 2004

20:00, Wimbledon Studio Theatre*~

Carlton Autumn Show

Tuesday 26 Saturday 30 October 2004

20:00, Wimbledon Studio Theatre*~

Carlton Christmas PartySaturday 11 December 2004

19:30, Wimbledon Community Centre, Room H

Bear in mind that the situation at the Wimbledon

Studio Theatre will affect the 2004 bookings. How,we don’t know. Watch this space and the Website!

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