THE ADVOCATESchool of Law Newspaper since 1969 Volume 29, Issue 5, April 1, 2008

Cardozarama!

Flinch, open and Notorious, my Learned Hand. all three bands performed at the annual Cardozorama. Participants weren’t limited to pop/rock groups, but included poetry readings, vocalists, actors, and enough chutzpa to fill an episode of The Ed Sullivan Show.

of course, the last Cardozorama took place twelve years ago.

Shortly after the event, before the Spring Banquet, someone killed it.

I’d like to think Cardozorama’s demise was a one-off, but as I dug into the past, I began to wonder if Cardozorama’s demise wasn’t an isolated incident. Life at Santa Clara University School of Law used to be a hell of a lot more fun.

I started with sports.Through the mid-90s, The Advocate carried

regular coverage of law school athletics. SCU had a well ranked women’s soccer team, did

well in basketball and football, and even had an occasional rugby team. Their wins and losses drove nearly a third of each monthly issue of The Advocate.

There’s even a picture of margalynn arm-strong during a faculty softball game, swinging the bat.

But just because the coverage stopped doesn’t mean the athletic participation did too. During my first year, I participated in a dismal attempt at intramural athletics. our basketball team played three games, lost once by nearly fifty points, lost again in overtime to a team of asians and a girl, and then…okay, maybe we only played twice and forfeited the rest. We blamed the guy who scheduled every game on Sunday morning. Law students shouldn’t be ex-pected to run up and down a court after down-ing a handle of Jack the night before.

at least the faculty stayed active. They’ve got a basketball team.

“The team is limited to faculty and staff

women over 40 and under 6’ who haven’t played in the last 20 years,” Professor June Carbone said in 2001, “unless they’re really bad in which case we can make exceptions.”

one wonders who made the team as an ex-ception: Kreitzberg, armstrong, Yaffee?

Gary Neustadter and Patty rauch, too, each have a soccer team. They started a bidding war at the Women in Law benefit for a soccer lesson with Brandi Chastain. No one told them the les-son was one-on-one.

athletics wasn’t the end of it. during the Persian Gulf War, The Advocate

ran close to five pages of letters to the editor. Students couldn’t stop talking about the war.

I’ve spent three years on the staff of The Ad-vocate and we have yet to receive a single letter to the editor. Even when we’ve screwed up andthe only thing I heard in Bannan Hall was how badly we screwed up, no one wrote a letter to

1996

or what’s happened to our law school in the last decade?by Steve Jacob, Co-Editor-in-Chief

see CARDOZARAMA p2-3

the editor. Now, five years into the war in Iraq, with a president who has eroded our civil liberties like none before him, a historic elec-tion on the horizon, and continued ramifications from our school administration’s recoupement deci-sion, no one has written a letter.

and while I’m on the subject of The Advocate…

The staff list for The Advocate used to fill columns. The Advocate itself used to run issues 24, 28, and 32 pages long. We had photogra-phers, staff writers, editors, and production people. We had enough

people to be the second best law school newspaper in the country. Now we struggle to put out a 12 page issue. our staff is growing, but not as quickly as we’d like. We still need photogra-phers, writers, produc-tion designers, writers, webpage designers, writers, editors, and more writers. We have a long way to go before we’re in the top ten, let alone number two. I’ve seen Har-vard’s website.

I was starting to think the prob-

lem wasn’t the school, but a grow-ing ennui, the kind that affects a

person completely, from eating disorder to alcoholism to fail-ures in grooming.

maybe some things don’t change.

one of the old cartoonists for The Advocate drew a cartoon during the height of the “Bo knows” advertising

campaign. The cartoon contains six panels. Each panel has the face of a well known professor and a cap-

tion. “Bo knows torts,” “Bo knows property,” “Bo knows civ pro,” etc. The last panel shows a picture of Professor Ed Steinman and the caption, “uh…no.”

mack Player is still a dean. Ger-ald Uelman is still talking about o.J. The SBa is still looking at the budgeting process. Construction is still ongoing at the new library. Paul Locatelli is still the president of the university. But what about Cardozorama?

For over a decade the annual tal-ent show was a featured attraction of the april issue of The Advocate.

The Honorable Philip z. Banks, the strict but lovable judge from Fresh Prince of Bel Air is slated to replace Father Locatelli as president of SCU. after Locatelli announced that he was stepping down to accept the posi-tion of Secretary of Jesuit Higher Education, the school quickly assembled a list of qualified candidates for a replacement.

This list included Father William mcCoullough from St. Johns Parish, Father Car-los diSantos from La Iglesia de la madre de Jesus, Father Giuseppe rizzo from Vatican City, and Judge Philip Banks, from the 1990-96 seasons of Fresh Prince.

after the board of trust-ees accepted the shortlist, a motion was made to appoint Uncle Phil the president of SCU. The motion was sec-onded and the entire board of trustees approved it. There was then a clamor as the board of trustees fought for the telephone for the right to be able to tell Uncle Phil that he was now president of SCU.

Judge Banks was flown into San Jose airport and then shuttled to campus for the coronation. Behind the podium, dressed in his judge’s gown, Uncle Phil declared, “Listen you idiots! I’m not ac-tually a judge, I just played one on TV... twelve years ago! my name is James avery. I’m an actor!”

SCU’s provost immediately stepped forward, shook Uncle Phil’s hand, and said, “don’t worry, Judge, so are most of our professors!”

Uncle Phil then proceeded to point out, “Look, I’m not even a Jesuit. In fact, I’m Jewish!”

Father Locatelli posed for the camera with the new President and stated, “oh, don’t worry about that, Uncle Phil. Since you’re a Christian you know that’s something we can work around. For such a prestigious figure in the legal community we can make exceptions!”

Judge Philip z. Banks was born on a North Carolina farm in 1946. at age 16, Banks moved to mary-land where he became active in civil rights, attending several sit-ins to protest discrimination. In 1969, Banks proposed to his long time girlfriend, Vivian, on an episode of Soul Train. Shortly thereafter, Banks moved to L.a. and became a district Judge. In 1992, Judge Banks became a superior court judge after Judge Carl robertson died of a heart at-tack when Banks’ nephew, William Smith, accused robertson of foul play.

during preparations for the cer-emony, Judge Banks was bombarded with questions from the board of trustees. “Will Geoffrey continue as your butler because I’d love that job?” “Will Vivian continue to teach at UCLa, or will she move to SCU with you?” and “Can you get me ashley’s phone number?”

Judge Banks is expected to continue the strong tradition of academics and morality furthered by Father Locatelli, although SCU did issue a statement outlining some changes that Judge Banks is expected to institute. among the list were requirements that all students now wear brightly clashing clothes with graffiti style font written across the front and that any time Jazz enters the law library, he should be forcefully ejected onto the steps.

dean Polden could not be reached for comment as his secretary said he was “too busy doing the Carlton dance to

Uncle Phil named new presidentby John Gentile, staff writer

CARDOZARAMA from p.1

1987

photo illustration by John Gentile

see CARDOZARAMA p. 3

HEADLINESSCU ranked 77*...no, seriously, we can’t make *$^% like this up.

Dean’s day out*Polden to return for second season*report shows sunny with a small chance of jobs

Recoupement found! *Johnny depp to star in film

Graduation plans? *King missile to per-form*Wafer to turn into cheese for graduation mass*Valedictorian cen-sored for ‘Bong hits for Jesuits’ banner

Santa Clara 95050 jumps the shark*mTV considers real-ity version

A.B.A. to remove B. from acronymChairs in Heafey*Library looks to San Quentin for electrifying deals

of a dinner and alcohol-talent and alcohol. We need Cardo-zorama, or if not, maybe we should have a drag show.

I volunteer dan Schaar.

In a stunning shift in U.S. Supreme Court policy, the Court announced today that it would be giving up what was described as “drab pu-ritanical malarkey” for something with a little more flare. Says Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, “The traditions of our forefathers, are just well, lame.”

Ginsburg noted that there has been quite a bit of pressure from the media and an ever younger group of J.d.s to spice things up a bit. Gins-burg said, “No longer do we simply want to be known as the highest court in the land, no, I say unto you that it is our duty to be also the flyest court in the land.”

other changes that have been considered have been replacing the traditional black robes with a wider array of designer wear. Comments Justice Stevens “We’ve consulted Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and they’ve suggested that the autumn complexion of Justice Kennedy and myself would really lend itself to a more ma-genta colored robe.”

robes are not the only things that have been considered for change, the Court also men-tioned a desire to “trick out” their respective visages. “I’d always wanted a mohawk, if only they’d considered these changes earlier, I might have stayed,” said former Justice o’Connor. other rumors are that Justice Souter wants to sport a goatee with some “wicked bling” in both ears.

other less noticeable changes that the Court hopes to institute in the coming months include changing the pleadings system. Instead of the traditional Guilty or Not Guilty rulings, the court will now issue edicts of Served or Not Served. Furthermore, when the verdict is deliv-ered, the Court has requested that instead of the

usual reverent silence, view-ers instead ought to express their own decision with a chorus of “SErVEd, SErVEd, SErVEd.”

Com-ments Justice roberts, the youngest member of the Court, “These fools been straight tripping yo, this ain’t no funeral. We need to bring the hizzah down on these haters, show ‘em who their daddies be.” This senti-ment was affirmed by Justice Stevens, the eldest member of the court, with a succinct, “Word.”

Perhaps most startling of all the proposed changes is the consideration of turning the court into a reality t.v. show. Looking to shows like Flavor of Love and The Real World, the Court hopes to reach out to a more youthful audience. The host of Flavor of Love had this to say re-garding the honor of being the Supreme Court’s muse “FLaVor FLaV!”

In concurrence Justice alito explained, “as a strict constructionist, I believe inherent in the constitution is a desire that a government be ac-cessible to the people. What better way to make ourselves accessible 24 episodes a sea

son?” also being considered is replacing the burden

of proof on the state in criminal charges with a Battle royale contest. This would be similar to an amalgam of ‘The Gauntlet’ in Real World/Road Rules challenges, combined with the ten-nis ball gun challenge of American Gladiators. If the defendant makes it through the gauntlet without being tagged by one of the justices, then they have not been served, and thus are free to go.

It is unclear what result these prospective changes will have on the Court and on democ-racy itself. Nevertheless, it is fair to say that despite rumors to the contrary, this will indeed be a dynamic court, full of aWESomE.

Supreme Court gettin’ jiggy with itComing changes to bring the Court into the 21st Century

by Leland Oshins, Co-Editor-in-Chief

Large pictures splashed across the page of costumes, performers, and musicians. It was a night that attracted the entire law school. Some-times, even, it provided actual talent, but always alcohol. Booze made the music that much better. Cardozorama provided a fun alternative to a “bar review,” a creative outlet for stress and energy. Yes, we’re in law school. Yes, we have very seri-ous things to consider. But we’re still human.

1990

Cover: file photoFrom left to right: from 1987 issue of The advocate; from 1990 issue of The advocate; file photoAbove: http://www.nal.usda.gov/awic/compani-mals/guarddogs/images/guarddog_img_1.jpg

1996

We still need to relax. SCU needs more oppor-tunities for law students to enjoy life outside

CARDOZARAMA from p.2

“I drink your milkshake.”-Daniel Plainview

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