How do you get straight A's?

By using a ruler!

What did the pen

say to the pencil?

"So, what's your point!"

Why did the teacher

wear sunglasses?

Because his class was so bright!

What object is king

of the classroom?

The ruler!

Why were the

teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils!

When do astronauts eat?

At launch time!

What kind of teeth can

you buy with a dollar?

Buck Teeth

What goes up and down

but does not move?

Stairs!

What holds the sun up in the sky?

Sunbeams!

What do you get when

you cross a snowman

and a vampire?

+ = Frostbit

e! Frostbite!

What did one jack-o-

lantern say to the other?

Cut it

out!

What is a pumpkin's

favorite sport?

Squash

What travels around

the world, but always

stays in the corner?

A Stamp

Why was the child’s

report card all wet?

Because it was under C-Level.

What kind of nut

doesn’t have a shell?

A doughnut

Why was it so hot

after the

basketball game?

Because all the fans left.

What do cheetahs

like to eat?

Fast Food

Have you heard the

joke about the pencil?

Nevermind. It was

pointless.

Knock, Knock.

Who’s there?

Distressing.

Distressing who?

Distressing has too much vinegar!

Why was the turkey the

drummer in the band?

He had the drumsticks!

Why do turkeys always

go, “gobble,

gobble”?

Because they never

learned good table manners!

Who is Santa's most

famous elf?

Elfvis

What do elves

Learn at elf school?

The “elf”abet!

Why did the man take a

ruler to bed?

To see how

long he

slept!

When is an Irish Potato

not an Irish Potato?

When it’s a French Fry!

Knock, Knock…

Who’s there?

Irish! Irish who?

Irish you a Happy St.

Patrick’s Day!

What do you call a fake

stone in Ireland?

A sham rock

What is out on the lawn

all summer and is Irish?

Paddy O’Furniture

Why did the little old lady tie

rollerblades onto her

rocking chair?

She wanted to

Rock and Roll!

What do you get if you

shave Harry Potter?

Baldy

Potter

Which candy can’t get

anywhere on time?

Choco-Late!

Where does an alien get

his dairy products?

The Milky Way

Milky Way

5 miles

Why did the bowling

pins stop working?

Because they went on strike!

On Strike!

Why can’t your nose be 12

inches long?

Because then it would be a foot!

Why did the boy throw

the clock out

the window?

He wanted to see time fly!

Why did the bird cross

the road?

To get to the

nest station!

Where do you find

prehistoric cows?

In a Mooseum!

What did the tree say to the wind?

“Leaf” me

alone!

Where did the dentist go on

vacation?

To the mouth of the Mississippi!

What kind of

keys do kids

like to carry?

Cookies!

What is an

orangutan’s

favorite tool?

A monkey wrench!

Why do fish swim in schools?

Because they can’t walk in schools!

What has four legs but

doesn’t move?

A table!

What song does a van

play on the

radio?

A cartoon (car tune)!

What kind of flower

grows on

your face?

A Tulip!

How can you tell a

train went by?

It left its tracks behind!

What has two hands, a big round

face, always runs but stays in place?

A clock!

What starts with a P, ends with an E

and has a million letters in it?

The Post Office!

What kind of button

won’t button?

A bellybutton

Why is Dracula so

unpopular?

He is a pain

in the neck!

What do witches

put on their hair?

Scare Spray

Why is it hard to

play cards in the

jungle?

There are too

many cheetahs!

Why did the boy take a

pencil to bed?

Because he wanted

to draw the curtains!

What kind of cars would

pilgrims drive today?

Plymouths

Why did the police

arrest the turkey?

They suspected

it of fowl play.

What did the farmer get when he

crossed a centipede with a turkey?

100 drumsticks!

+ = ?

What is Father

Christmas'

wife called?

Mary Christmas

What is a cow's

favorite holiday?

Moo Year’s

Day!

Happy Moo

Year!

What did the caveman

give his wife

on Valentine's

Day?

Ughs and kisses!

Why did the chicken go

to the

library?

To check out a Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk

Which bug gobbles up trash?

The Litter Bug

What do the frogs

eat in France?

French

Flies

What is a strawberry

when it is sad?

A blueberry!

+ =

What do you

call a

“sound”

sleeper? Someone who snores!

Why did the

team take string

to the game?

They wanted to

tie the score !

Who stole the

soap?

The Robber

Ducky

What has four

wheels and flies?

A Garbage

Truck

What do ghosts do when they

get in their cars?

They boo-kle their sheet-belts.

What do

skeleton’s

order at

restaurants?

Spare ribs

What was the witch's

favorite subject in

school?

Spelling

Why don't skeletons

like parties?

They have no body

to dance with!

Why did the football

coach go to

the bank?

He wanted to get his quarterback.