By Kamron Klitgaard

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1. The full title: Fortunes Read –Virtually Only $1

2. Writing credit: By Kamron Klitgaard

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RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

FORTUNES READ – VIRTUALLY ONLY $1

By KAMRON KLITGAARD

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Speaking)

# of lines

PSYCHIC PROMOTER .................over-anxious pitch person 17BUMPKIN ..................................sub-par intelligent witness 13DON .........................................Dawn’s boyfriend; supportive 46

but skeptical DAWN.......................................artist hoping for a big break 49FORTUNE TELLER ......................mysterious fortune teller 95ABBEY ......................................desperate lonely heart 34WHISPER ..................................rebellious teen daughter 40MOM ........................................“hippie” living in the past 52EMILY.......................................snotty, popular teen 35HANNAH ...................................ditzy, popular teen 32KRISSY.....................................superstitious fiancée 27

SETTINGTime: The present.Place: An online video chat room.

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FORTUNES READ – VIRTUALLY ONLY $1

AT RISE: PSYCHIC PROMOTER appears in a window on screen. She is loud, energetic, and obnoxious.PSYCHIC PROMOTER: Hello, friends! Pitch McGee here, with

a wonderful offer for all you online users! Do you feel tired, rundown, lethargic? Do you have restless leg syndrome? Are you worried about job security, or a stock market crash, or that Chuck E. Cheese’s might close down? Does the opposite sex treat you like virus? Well, the answer to all your problems is at our new website, Virtual Fortunes! We’re your online, one-stop, location for all your psychic, palm reading, and fortune telling needs! It’s so fun too! So, why not join the hundreds of thousands of happy, problem-free, people who have already tried Virtual Fortunes?! Just listen to these testimonials! Mordechai from Thurmond, West Virginia says…

BUMPKIN: (ENTERS SCREEN. Obviously reading lines and sounding very dumb.) Duh, Virtual Fortunes is for people with inquiring minds. Heh, heh, heh, like me! I just click the link on my computer TV box or touch the thingy on my smart telephone and I am instantly connected to a magical psychic fortune teller who knows what’s gonna happen to me in the future… before it’s the future! Yep, only smart people go to Virtual Fortunes! When I go there, I’m making protons go ’round in my brain real fast.

PSYCHIC PROMOTER: And D. Dan, from Sherrill, Arkansas says:…BUMPKIN: (Puts on fake mustache and changes voice.) I asked one of

their psychics about the future and they answered me.PSYCHIC PROMOTER: And just listen to Bill Goat, from

Bonanza, Colorado…BUMPKIN: (Puts on a wig and changes voice.) I wanted to place a bet

at the dog track, but I didn’t know what dog to bet on. After only one time visiting Virtual Fortunes, just look at the results! (Holds up a dollar.) I’m definitely visiting Virtual Fortunes again!

PSYCHIC PROMOTER: So, visit Virtual Fortunes dot com slash shady today. All fortunes virtually only one dollar! (PSYCHIC PROMOTER and BUMPKIN EXIT SCREEN. DON and DAWN ENTER SCREEN.)

DON: Hi, Dawn.DAWN: Hi, Don.DON: How much longer?DAWN: About four hours. How’s work?DON: (Sarcastic.) Stimulating. At least I can talk to you like this.

Otherwise, I think I’d go out of my mind.

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DAWN: Me, too. I’m already losing it, having to wait… (Looks at watch.) …three hours and fifty-four minutes.

DON: Don’t worry. Whose painting is the best?DAWN: I don’t know. They were all pretty good.DON: I thought we went over this. We dissected every painting and

each one of them has their merits, but yours is the only one that excels in every single category. Now, whose painting is the best?

DAWN: Mine?DON: No question about it. They’ll pick yours, and you’ll get the

commission, and then… the sky’s the limit.DAWN: Hold on, I just got a pop-up ad. It’s for a… I don’t know, how

to make money online? Virtual Fortunes?DON: Well, don’t click on it.DAWN: Let me just close it… (Clicks rapidly.) …oops.DON: Oops? What you mean, oops?DAWN: I accidentally clicked on it. Something’s happening. (FORTUNE

TELLER ENTERS SCREEN. They all stare at each other.) Uh, I think I accidentally invited him to chat.

DON: Hey dude, you wanna get off? This is a private meeting.FORTUNE TELLER: You invited me. Besides, don’t you want to know

your future?DAWN: Oh! It’s not a make a fortune online site. It’s a read your

fortune online site. She’s an online fortune teller! Uh, how much is it? (PSYCHIC PROMOTER and BUMPKIN ENTER SCREEN.)

PSYCHIC PROMOTER: All fortunes are virtually only one dollar! Just listen to these testimonials!

BUMPKIN: (Puts on a hat and changes voice.) I had my fortune read and paid virtually only one dollar! (PSYCHIC PROMOTER and BUMPKIN EXIT SCREEN.)

DON: I think you have a virus.DAWN: Come on, Don. It’s only a dollar. It’ll be fun. Besides, it’s

something to do while we wait for the call.DON: It sounds like a scam to me, but if you really want to… uh, we’d

like our fortunes read, please.FORTUNE TELLER: (Clicks something on her keyboard.) One dollar.DAWN: (Holds up a credit card.) It’s on me! How do I…? Oh, I got a

credit card pop up screen.DON: How convenient. (DAWN enters credit card info.) Not a bad price

for a piece of the future. But I should be upfront and tell you that I am a skeptic.

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DAWN: There. Two dollars.DON: Two? It’s only one dollar! Let me guess, shipping and handling.DAWN: I got one for each of us.DON: Oh… thanks.FORTUNE TELLER: (Clicks mouse.) Your transaction is approved. What

are your names?DAWN: I’m Dawn and he’s Don.FORTUNE TELLER: You have the same name?DON: No, I’m Don, D-O-N, short for Donald, and she’s Dawn, D-A-W-N,

short for a magnificent sunrise.DAWN: Oh, you! Stop it.FORTUNE TELLER: There are rules.DON: Rules for fortune telling? This is getting fun. Okay, what are the

rules? I don’t have to light my hair on fire or cook bacon in scuba gear, do I?

FORTUNE TELLER: The rules are not of that nature. There are only two. Number one—you may only ask “yes” or “no” questions.

DAWN: That’s easy enough. And what’s the second?FORTUNE TELLER: You may only ask one question.DAWN: Fair enough. (Shows palm to camera.) I suppose you want to

see my palm.FORTUNE TELLER: No, I want to hear your question.DAWN: Oh! Of course, uh… let’s see? Um… Oh, I know! (Romantically.)

Will I ever get married?DON: Really? You have one question and that’s what you—FORTUNE TELLER: Silence! The mystic forces must not be disturbed,

so that they can receive your visceral vibrations.DON: Sorry, I didn’t know about the vibrations.FORTUNE TELLER: (Grabs a feather, throws it into the air, and watches

it fall. Puts two chicken bones in a tin can and rolls them out onto the table. Studies the bones and feather, bonks his head on the table, then makes some guttural throat noises. Suddenly, he stops and studies DAWN’S face for a long time.) It is quite possible.

DAWN: Yes!DON: I could’ve told you that. I mean, what kind of—FORTUNE TELLER: What is your question?DON: Alright, well, since it’s already paid for, I think I will ask the

obvious question. Will the committee pick Dawn’s painting?DAWN: Oh, yeah! Why didn’t I think of that?

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FORTUNE TELLER: Shhh! (Grabs a balloon, blows it up, rubs it in hair, then lets the air out in her own face.) The decision has been made in your favor. (Picks up a magazine and reads.)

DAWN: Hey, what do you know? That’s good news.DON: Too bad we have to wait another four hours to find out.DAWN: (Jumps a little.) Oh! My phone’s vibrating.DON: I hope it’s the visceral kind of vibrations.DAWN: (Answers phone.) Hello? Hi, Maggie. (To DON.) It’s Maggie from

the committee. (Into phone.) Yes. Uh-huh. They did?! Oh, that’s fantastic! Yes! Yes, thank you so much. Alright, bye! (To DON.) Don, the committee chose my painting! It won’t be official until five o’clock, but Maggie was so excited she just had to call me!

DON: That’s great!DAWN: I can’t believe it!DON: I can. (Realizes.) Hey! She was right!DAWN: Who?DON: The fortune teller!DAWN: So were you. Remember? You told me the same thing.DON: Sure, but you know what was weird? I thought—DAWN: Hey, Fortune Teller, you can go now. We’re done.ABBEY: (ENTERS SCREEN. Holds up a credit card and looks desperate

and worried.) I’m back.DON: Who is this?DAWN: I didn’t invite her, I swear.FORTUNE TELLER: (Pulls out a deck of cards. [NOTE: FORTUNE

TELLER is not a traditional medium. So feel free to use tarot cards, but for greater comedic effect, consider regular playing cards or even something sillier, such as Uno or Old Maid cards.]) You know the rules.

ABBEY: Only one question and it must be a yes or no. (Enters credit card info.)

DON: Excuse me, could you guys clear off?PSYCHIC PROMOTER: (ENTERS SCREEN.) Remember, just enter your

credit card and choose unlimited questions. Then, click on the one-dollar button and ask a question. One click, one question. Just listen to this testimonial from Jimbo, in Napoleonville, Louisiana…

BUMPKIN: (ENTERS SCREEN, puts on a beanie.) I just entered my credit card and chose unlimited questions. Then, I clicked on the one-dollar button and asked a question. One click, one question.

(PSYCHIC PROMOTER and BUMPKIN EXIT SCREEN.)

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ABBEY: Done. (Clicks mouse.) Is he seeing someone else?FORTUNE TELLER: (Draws and shows a card.) You may never know.ABBEY: (Clicks mouse again.) If I stop by his place, will I find out?FORTUNE TELLER: (Shows another card.) That all depends.

(ABBEY thinks.)DAWN: What a scam! The answers are so ambiguous, but she keeps

clicking more money.DON: I thought it was only one question per person.DAWN: Didn’t you listen to the commercial? It’s not per person! It’s

one question, one dollar. As long as you have dollars in your bank account, you keep asking.

ABBEY: (Clicks mouse again.) Does it depend on what I say when I stop by?

FORTUNE TELLER: (Shows another card.) Definitely… not. (ABBEY thinks.)DON: Look at her. She really believes it. Hey, you! Stop clicking! It’s

not real!DAWN: You’re being scammed! Hey, can you hear us?!ABBEY: (Clicks mouse again.) Does it depend on what time I stop by

his place?DON: I don’t think she can hear us.DAWN: I can’t watch this. Don, come by my office and let’s go to

lunch. (EXITS SCREEN.)DON: But how did the fortune teller know what the committee had

decided? (EXITS SCREEN.)FORTUNE TELLER: (Shows a card.) That makes a good deal of sense.ABBEY: (Clicks.) Should I stop by in a couple of hours?FORTUNE TELLER: (Shows a card.) That would be too late.ABBEY: (Clicks.) There. Should I stop by in an hour?FORTUNE TELLER: (Shows a card.) Almost.ABBEY: I only have one more dollar in my account. (Clicks.) There. My

last dollar. Should I stop by in a half an hour?FORTUNE TELLER: (Shows a card.) If that is your true desire.ABBEY: (Stands.) Oh, thank you! I’d better hurry. Thanks again! (EXITS

SCREEN. WHISPER ENTERS SCREEN. MOM ENTERS SCREEN.)WHISPER: (Angry.) Mom! I told you not to follow me on social media!MOM: I know. I just want to see this site and make sure you’re

not getting scammed. Just don’t get your hopes up, Whisper. Remember, ninety-nine percent of these sites are fakes.

WHISPER: But there are some real ones, right?

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MOM: Of course. I just don’t want you to—WHISPER: But you can tell, right? Even though you weren’t even born

in the sixties, you still can sense that cosmic vibe stuff, right?MOM: Yes, yes, of course. I’ll be able to tell whether it’s fake or real.

(PSYCHIC PROMOTER ENTERS SCREEN.)PSYCHIC PROMOTER: Are you tired, rundown, lethargic?WHISPER: That’s the guy!PSYCHIC PROMOTER: Are you unpopular? Are you the death of the

party? Try Virtual Fortunes! Just listen to these results! Gertrude from Ethelsville, Alabama says…

BUMPKIN: (ENTERS SCREEN. Puts on a shawl and changes voice.) Hi, my name is Ethelsville, from Gertrude, Alabama. I used to be unpopular. I used to be the death of the party. And then I found Virtual Fortunes! Now, for the cost of something at the dollar store I know ahead of time that I will be the death of the party, allowing me to avoid said party.

PSYCHIC PROMOTER: All fortunes virtually only one dollar, so act now! (PSYCHIC PROMOTER and BUMPKIN EXIT SCREEN.)

WHISPER: There’s the fortune teller! Hi, we’d like our fortunes read.FORTUNE TELLER: There are rules.WHISPER: I already know the rules. A dollar a question and it has to

be a yes or no question. I already entered my mom’s credit card!MOM: What? Alright, I’ll ask the first question.WHISPER: Mom, you have to click the one-dollar button.MOM: Oh, alright… click. There. Okay, Fortune teller, here’s my

question. Can you really read the future?FORTUNE TELLER: (Stands, opens her arms to the heavens, and claps

three times. Spins around, walks like a chicken, makes chicken noises, does a silly dance, then returns and sits.) What do you think?

MOM: (MOM and WHISPER look amazed.) It’s for real!WHISPER: (Squeals and clicks.) Should I legally change my name?MOM: Whisper!WHISPER: I don’t like my name, Mom. Do you know how many times

someone will say to me, “Hey, Whisper!” and I’ll go, “Yeah?” and they’ll be like, “Oh, sorry, I was just telling you to speak quieter.”

MOM: I told you, when I first got pregnant with you, your father and I were out lying in a grass field and a breeze picked up and—

WHISPER: I know! The breeze picked up and blew your tie-dye skirt up like a balloon and Dad said it was like I was whispering in the wind. And that’s when you decided to condemn me to relive your hippie

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past forever. (To FORTUNE TELLER.) Well? (FORTUNE TELLER fans five cards and holds them up to the camera.)

FORTUNE TELLER: Pick one.WHISPER: Okay, the first one. Now what?FORTUNE TELLER: (Closes eyes and shows the card.) Tell your mother

the name of the card. (WHISPER announces the name of the card.) Oh, dear.

WHISPER: What? What is it?! Should I change my name?FORTUNE TELLER: (Opens eyes.) The cards say… if that’s what you

really want.WHISPER: (Jumps up and down.) Yes! Yes! I knew it! In your face,

hippie mom!MOM: Whisper! Your name is beautiful! It’s unique!WHISPER: Unique doesn’t mean good, Mom! My name sucks! I get

teased every day! Let’s see, what should I change it to? There’s Lisa or Mallory, or Galadriel, or… Oh! Oh! Oh! I know! Scream! I’m going to change my name to Scream!

MOM: (Looks offended, then clicks the one-dollar button.) Should I stop my daughter from changing her name to the dumb, stupid, lame name of “Scream” and force her to keep her glorious, wonderful, magnificent name of Whisper?

WHISPER: No! Mother, you can’t do that! The fortune teller has already spoken!

MOM: That was your fortune. This is mine.FORTUNE TELLER: (Pulls out dice, shakes them, waves one hand

magically over them, licks one, and then rolls it.) Rolliamous!MOM: Well?FORTUNE TELLER: Oh, dear.MOM: What? What is it? Should I force her to keep her name?FORTUNE TELLER: The dice say… If that’s what you really want.MOM: Yes!WHISPER: Nooo! No, no, no! I’m doomed to walk the earth with a

stupid name forever, just like Lady Gaga! (Or change to a different crazy celebrity name.)

MOM: Oh, don’t be so dramatic… (Dramatically.) …Whisper.WHISPER: Waah!MOM: There, there. Everything’s going to be all right.WHISPER: (Jumps up.) I’m never speaking to you again!MOM: You don’t have to speak. You can… (Whispers.) …Whisper.

(WHISPER screams and EXITS SCREEN.)

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIESFake mustache, two wigs, dollar, two hats, beanie, shawl, goggles,

fake beard, snorkeling gear (BUMPKIN)

Credit card, phone (DAWN)

Feather, two chicken bones, tin can, balloon, magazine, deck of cards, dice, paper cup, small bottle filled with water, small bottle filled with a drink powder, plastic spoon, coin (FORTUNE TELLER)

Credit card (ABBEY)

Magazine, fortune from a fortune cookie (EMILY)

Magazine (HANNAH)

Banana (MOM)

Salt shaker, pepper shaker (KRISSY)

COSTUMESFORTUNE TELLER can wear modern street clothes, more outrageous

busker-style clothes, or be dressed in over-the-top colors in a traditional “gypsy” stereotype.

MOM should wear hippie clothing,

WHISPER should contrast with more conservative clothing.

EMILY and HANNAH both wear pajamas, hair curlers, and ridiculous makeup.

BUMPKIN can be creative with all the costume changes, trying to look like a different person but obviously failing.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGFORTUNE TELLER, PSYCHIC PROMOTER, and BUMPKIN can be played as male or female.

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