BRYCS Parenting Conversations Mary A Sudanese Mother

On March 22 2007 Mary met with BRYCS staff to talk about her life and experiences as a refugee from Sudan now raising a family with her husband in the United States

Family Background and History

My name is Mary My family and I came to the US in July of 2006 I am 28 years old and my husband is 32 We have been married for about 11 years My husband Daniel is from Malakal in Southern Sudan and his family is Nuer He has one brother and two sisters two of his siblings now live in the US also I am from Juba and my family is Nagaraw I have three sisters and four brothers but they are all still in Sudan Aside from English I speak Nuer Nagaraw and Arabic Traditionally in my culture families arrange marriages but my husband and I chose each other My father did not want me to marry my husband because he was young my father wanted me to marry someone older and more established

My husband and I have a ten-year-old son named Jon a 3-year-old daughter named Victoria and a 3-month-old girl Our second daughter was born five months after we arrived in the US In my culture we often name each child according to something that was going on at the time the child was born Our baby girlrsquos name means that you have had a difficult time but you turn it into something good because we came through a difficult time in Egypt to start a new life in the US

Khartoum to Cairo

When my son was about four months old we left our town and moved to Khartoum the capital of Sudan so that my husband could attend university All students at the university were required to take Islamic religious education classes My husband and some of his friends said they did not want to take these religious education classes and they organized debates at the university about this requirement Some of the Muslim students were upset by these debates and there was fighting between my husbandrsquos group and the Muslim students at the university Afterwards some of the young men in my husbandrsquos group were put in jail for criticizing the government My husband feared that he would be put in jail too so we fled to Egypt I was 22 years old and our son was four I wanted to return to Sudan but my husband did not think it was safe for us We stayed in Cairo for six years We had some friends in Egypt who helped us to register as refugees with the United Nations office in Cairo There were lots of Sudanese in Cairo

I worked in Cairo doing housecleaning and babysitting for a British woman and a Dutch woman While I worked either my husband or his aunt cared for our son My husband tried working for about two years while we were there but women could get paid more for housecleaning and babysitting so part of the time my husband stayed home with our son while I worked

When my children were ages 2 and 8 I had to leave them at home alone I told my son the eldest to call me if he had any problems When our middle daughter was about 2-and-a-half years old our ten-year-old niece began watching them One time our niece walked out onto the apartment balcony and my daughter pushed the balcony door shut which automatically locked My son was sleeping while this happened so there was no one inside the apartment who could open the door She watched as my two-year-old daughter picked up a knife and began playing with it but my niece could not do anything except watch so she just sat on the balcony and cried until my husband came home After that my employer said that I could bring my daughter to work with me while I cleaned

BRYCS Parenting Conversations March 2007 Revised July 2011 Mary a Sudanese Mother ndash Page 1 wwwbrycsorg

Sudanese and Egyptians

There was a lot of mistrust between Sudanese and Egyptians in Cairo Sometimes Egyptian children would spit on my son or throw water or rocks at us When we would ride the metro trains Egyptian youth would try to push us out of the train so that the doors would close on us and the elder Egyptians would not stop them from treating us this way

In Egypt if you wanted to go to the doctor the UN would pay half of the cost and a church group would pay the other half There were rumors among the Sudanese in Cairo that if you went to an Egyptian doctor for a Caesarian-section the doctors would remove more than just the baby from the motherrsquos body The UN office would only refer us to certain doctors who were known to them

Childbirth

My son was born at home in Sudan Female relativesmdashlike my aunts grandmother and sister-in-lawmdashwere present during my sonrsquos birth along with a female doctor In Nuer culture female relatives care for the new mother for forty days after the childbirth The new mother is given very hot baths and she does not go out of the house Other women take care of the household tasks like shopping and cooking The afterbirth [or placenta] is usually either buried in the floor of the home or placed in a secure container and thrown into the river This is done so that animals will not get it otherwise people believe you will not be able to have another baby

Our second child was born in a hospital in Cairo There only the doctor and the nurse were allowed into the room while I was giving birth no one else I didnrsquot like this hospital very much There were five patients in one room I could have stayed in the hospital overnight but I didnrsquot want to stay there so I came home the same day as the birth The UN referred us to a specific doctor where I had to show a card with my UN refugee case number and the UN paid the hospital bills

Our third child was born here in the US I had my own room in the hospital and it went fine With this child it is like having a baby for the first time because with my first two children I had other women around to help me at home My husband says I am now an American wife because I am doing it all myself this time

WIC

The baby and I are eligible for help through the Women Infants and Children program (WIC) which allows me to buy certain foods that are healthy for the baby and me I like to buy Nido brand powdered milk [a brand more common in Europe and Latin America with higher milk-fat content than US powdered milk] because it is what I am used to but sometimes the store cashiers will tell me that it is not covered by WIC even though WIC covers powdered milk It helps to have a church friend with me to convince the cashier that this is okay

Housing

When we first arrived in the US we moved into the house of my husbandrsquos sister and her husband They have six children and live in a three-bedroom house It was very crowded We stayed in the downstairs family room in July it was very hot I was pregnant and there was no air conditioning I remember that during cultural orientation they said that things would be better in the United States but after one week here I wanted to go back because this was worse than Egypt

BRYCS Parenting Conversations March 2007 Revised July 2011Mary a Sudanese Mother ndash Page 2 wwwbrycsorg

My husbandrsquos sister had only one car so they could not always drive us where we needed to go I remember calling a Sudanese friend in Portland Maine who suggested that if my brother-in-law cannot take me to an appointment then I should ask my resettlement caseworker to drive me Soon after that in a meeting with World Relief our caseworker asked my sister-in-law how long we could live with them She said we could stay with them for about six months but I said I wanted to live in my own house Our caseworker then took us to several government offices to sign up for food stamps and public housing The public housing office said they could provide a housing voucher for up to $600 a month About one week later our resettlement caseworker told us that she had located a two-bedroom townhome through subsidized housing that only cost $85 a month The rent is based on our income so as our income increases so will our rent We are happy here We have met our neighbors many of whom are either Russian or Mexican

Sonrsquos Schooling

Our son is now in fifth grade he has had some problems on the bus with a few children They would push him as they were walking home from the bus or throw his backpack or not let him sit where he wanted on the bus I called my sonrsquos school and they said they would talk with the bus driver about this My husband also took our son over to the home of one of the boys who was bothering him and my husband told the mother what had happened The school also set up a meeting between our son and a boy that was bothering him This all happened a few months after our son started school but it seems to be better now

In Egypt when there were problems with another student after school the school said it was the parentsrsquo responsibility When we were in Cairo our son was bothered by some of the Egyptian children so we moved him to a school run for refugees Most of the students and teachers there were Sudanese The school was taught in Arabic with one class in English He went to school there for six months before we left Cairo to come to the US

Our son is doing well in school and he says that he likes the school here He has already gone beyond the schoolrsquos expectations for him for this year Here we meet with our sonrsquos teacher for school conferences but in Egypt the parents would only visit the school for a celebration or if your child had done something bad in school

Employment Education

My husband works stocking shelves at a department store from 10 PM until 6 30 AM five days a week Someone from the church drops him off at work at night and then picks him up everyday in the morning It is not too far away but I donrsquot like having him gone at night He does not work on Monday and Tuesday so he goes to English classes at the county workforce center in the mornings from 900 until 1200 He is in the advanced level English class

I also took English classes at the county workforce center People from the church would drive my daughter to daycare so that I could go to class I started out in the middle level English class but I passed a test and was placed in the advanced English class I stopped going to class when the baby was born but I will start up again when the baby is about four months old

As a child I went to an Arabic school up to Grade 5 Then in Khartoum I went to an Arabic school up to Grade 12 and I took one class in English Last month my husband and I also took a test to enroll in a nursing assistant course My husband passed the entrance test so he will begin the nursing assistant course in a few months I will try to take the test again after I study some more English

BRYCS Parenting Conversations March 2007 Revised July 2011Mary a Sudanese Mother ndash Page 3 wwwbrycsorg

Transportation Church Help

The most difficult thing has been living here without a car We are in a more suburban county where there is no public transportation At first we missed appointments or our resettlement caseworker would drive us to appointments Our caseworker had told us that many churches in the US help refugees so we tried calling a Methodist church nearby The pastor said he would come visit us the next day He came and talked with us at our house then a little while after the pastor left a woman from the church came and wrote down everything that we needed for the house She left for a while and then started bringing things for the house The church has given us furniture clothes for the children blankets jackets They also help us a lot with transportation The church has really been helping us We also go to the church on Sundays The county helped us to file our taxes We used the refund to buy a car but we must wait until my husband gets his driverrsquos license before we can use it

Hitting Wives and Children

In Sudan it is okay for husbands to beat their wives but it is not okay here We have a Sudanese friend who lives in Canada but his wife is still in Sudan The husband does not want to bring his wife to Canada because he says that here the wife is over the husband

It is not good for the men to beat the women Some of the men understand this but it may be harder to change for those who do not have education In some Nuer villages the wife and children would live in one place while the husband would live separately so some men and women are not used to living together in the same house Also in Sudan men may have more than one wife

I remember being told during our three-day cultural orientation before coming to the US that you cannot beat your children in the US and that children over age 18 are free to do what they wantmdashin Sudan even if a woman is 32 but not yet married she will be expected to stay at home with her parents As a child if I was bad my father would beat me with a stick but my mother never hit me In my husbandrsquos family it was the reversemdashhe was beaten by his mother but not by his father

A relative who lives in the US has a teenage daughter who did not want to listen to her parents so she went outside the house and sat under a tree Then she went to the police and told them that she was not happy and that her mother was beating her When the police brought her back home she lied to the police and said that her mother was her stepmother The police eventually found out that the girl had been getting into fights at school and that her mother had hit her for this The girl finally admitted that she had called the police because her mother was not allowing her to do what she wanted

I like that there is not beating here like in Sudanmdashin Sudan even if yoursquore 18 your father has the right to beat youmdashbut I donrsquot want my children to call the police on me like this child did

I donrsquot think there is a big difference between US and Sudanese values but here the rules say that parents should not hit their children So here in America what do you do

Advice to Others

My advice to other refugees just coming to the US would be to talk with people who are already here to network with them and get advice from others If I donrsquot know how to do something I ask somebody A good thing in America is that if someone is having problems people want to help they like people to feel happy

Also in my culture there is a saying ldquoHurry hurry no blessingrdquo This is a way of saying that you need to be patient I remind myself of that

BRYCS would like to thank World Relief for their help in arranging this interview Learn more about World Reliefrsquos work with refugees

BRYCS Parenting Conversations March 2007 Revised July 2011 Mary a Sudanese Mother ndash Page 4 wwwbrycsorg

My husbandrsquos sister had only one car so they could not always drive us where we needed to go I remember calling a Sudanese friend in Portland Maine who suggested that if my brother-in-law cannot take me to an appointment then I should ask my resettlement caseworker to drive me Soon after that in a meeting with World Relief our caseworker asked my sister-in-law how long we could live with them She said we could stay with them for about six months but I said I wanted to live in my own house Our caseworker then took us to several government offices to sign up for food stamps and public housing The public housing office said they could provide a housing voucher for up to $600 a month About one week later our resettlement caseworker told us that she had located a two-bedroom townhome through subsidized housing that only cost $85 a month The rent is based on our income so as our income increases so will our rent We are happy here We have met our neighbors many of whom are either Russian or Mexican

Sonrsquos Schooling

Our son is now in fifth grade he has had some problems on the bus with a few children They would push him as they were walking home from the bus or throw his backpack or not let him sit where he wanted on the bus I called my sonrsquos school and they said they would talk with the bus driver about this My husband also took our son over to the home of one of the boys who was bothering him and my husband told the mother what had happened The school also set up a meeting between our son and a boy that was bothering him This all happened a few months after our son started school but it seems to be better now

In Egypt when there were problems with another student after school the school said it was the parentsrsquo responsibility When we were in Cairo our son was bothered by some of the Egyptian children so we moved him to a school run for refugees Most of the students and teachers there were Sudanese The school was taught in Arabic with one class in English He went to school there for six months before we left Cairo to come to the US

Our son is doing well in school and he says that he likes the school here He has already gone beyond the schoolrsquos expectations for him for this year Here we meet with our sonrsquos teacher for school conferences but in Egypt the parents would only visit the school for a celebration or if your child had done something bad in school

Employment Education

My husband works stocking shelves at a department store from 10 PM until 6 30 AM five days a week Someone from the church drops him off at work at night and then picks him up everyday in the morning It is not too far away but I donrsquot like having him gone at night He does not work on Monday and Tuesday so he goes to English classes at the county workforce center in the mornings from 900 until 1200 He is in the advanced level English class

I also took English classes at the county workforce center People from the church would drive my daughter to daycare so that I could go to class I started out in the middle level English class but I passed a test and was placed in the advanced English class I stopped going to class when the baby was born but I will start up again when the baby is about four months old

As a child I went to an Arabic school up to Grade 5 Then in Khartoum I went to an Arabic school up to Grade 12 and I took one class in English Last month my husband and I also took a test to enroll in a nursing assistant course My husband passed the entrance test so he will begin the nursing assistant course in a few months I will try to take the test again after I study some more English

BRYCS Parenting Conversations March 2007 Revised July 2011Mary a Sudanese Mother ndash Page 3 wwwbrycsorg

Transportation Church Help

The most difficult thing has been living here without a car We are in a more suburban county where there is no public transportation At first we missed appointments or our resettlement caseworker would drive us to appointments Our caseworker had told us that many churches in the US help refugees so we tried calling a Methodist church nearby The pastor said he would come visit us the next day He came and talked with us at our house then a little while after the pastor left a woman from the church came and wrote down everything that we needed for the house She left for a while and then started bringing things for the house The church has given us furniture clothes for the children blankets jackets They also help us a lot with transportation The church has really been helping us We also go to the church on Sundays The county helped us to file our taxes We used the refund to buy a car but we must wait until my husband gets his driverrsquos license before we can use it

Hitting Wives and Children

In Sudan it is okay for husbands to beat their wives but it is not okay here We have a Sudanese friend who lives in Canada but his wife is still in Sudan The husband does not want to bring his wife to Canada because he says that here the wife is over the husband

It is not good for the men to beat the women Some of the men understand this but it may be harder to change for those who do not have education In some Nuer villages the wife and children would live in one place while the husband would live separately so some men and women are not used to living together in the same house Also in Sudan men may have more than one wife

I remember being told during our three-day cultural orientation before coming to the US that you cannot beat your children in the US and that children over age 18 are free to do what they wantmdashin Sudan even if a woman is 32 but not yet married she will be expected to stay at home with her parents As a child if I was bad my father would beat me with a stick but my mother never hit me In my husbandrsquos family it was the reversemdashhe was beaten by his mother but not by his father

A relative who lives in the US has a teenage daughter who did not want to listen to her parents so she went outside the house and sat under a tree Then she went to the police and told them that she was not happy and that her mother was beating her When the police brought her back home she lied to the police and said that her mother was her stepmother The police eventually found out that the girl had been getting into fights at school and that her mother had hit her for this The girl finally admitted that she had called the police because her mother was not allowing her to do what she wanted

I like that there is not beating here like in Sudanmdashin Sudan even if yoursquore 18 your father has the right to beat youmdashbut I donrsquot want my children to call the police on me like this child did

I donrsquot think there is a big difference between US and Sudanese values but here the rules say that parents should not hit their children So here in America what do you do

Advice to Others

My advice to other refugees just coming to the US would be to talk with people who are already here to network with them and get advice from others If I donrsquot know how to do something I ask somebody A good thing in America is that if someone is having problems people want to help they like people to feel happy

Also in my culture there is a saying ldquoHurry hurry no blessingrdquo This is a way of saying that you need to be patient I remind myself of that

BRYCS would like to thank World Relief for their help in arranging this interview Learn more about World Reliefrsquos work with refugees

BRYCS Parenting Conversations March 2007 Revised July 2011 Mary a Sudanese Mother ndash Page 4 wwwbrycsorg

Transportation Church Help

The most difficult thing has been living here without a car We are in a more suburban county where there is no public transportation At first we missed appointments or our resettlement caseworker would drive us to appointments Our caseworker had told us that many churches in the US help refugees so we tried calling a Methodist church nearby The pastor said he would come visit us the next day He came and talked with us at our house then a little while after the pastor left a woman from the church came and wrote down everything that we needed for the house She left for a while and then started bringing things for the house The church has given us furniture clothes for the children blankets jackets They also help us a lot with transportation The church has really been helping us We also go to the church on Sundays The county helped us to file our taxes We used the refund to buy a car but we must wait until my husband gets his driverrsquos license before we can use it

Hitting Wives and Children

In Sudan it is okay for husbands to beat their wives but it is not okay here We have a Sudanese friend who lives in Canada but his wife is still in Sudan The husband does not want to bring his wife to Canada because he says that here the wife is over the husband

It is not good for the men to beat the women Some of the men understand this but it may be harder to change for those who do not have education In some Nuer villages the wife and children would live in one place while the husband would live separately so some men and women are not used to living together in the same house Also in Sudan men may have more than one wife

I remember being told during our three-day cultural orientation before coming to the US that you cannot beat your children in the US and that children over age 18 are free to do what they wantmdashin Sudan even if a woman is 32 but not yet married she will be expected to stay at home with her parents As a child if I was bad my father would beat me with a stick but my mother never hit me In my husbandrsquos family it was the reversemdashhe was beaten by his mother but not by his father

A relative who lives in the US has a teenage daughter who did not want to listen to her parents so she went outside the house and sat under a tree Then she went to the police and told them that she was not happy and that her mother was beating her When the police brought her back home she lied to the police and said that her mother was her stepmother The police eventually found out that the girl had been getting into fights at school and that her mother had hit her for this The girl finally admitted that she had called the police because her mother was not allowing her to do what she wanted

I like that there is not beating here like in Sudanmdashin Sudan even if yoursquore 18 your father has the right to beat youmdashbut I donrsquot want my children to call the police on me like this child did

I donrsquot think there is a big difference between US and Sudanese values but here the rules say that parents should not hit their children So here in America what do you do

Advice to Others

My advice to other refugees just coming to the US would be to talk with people who are already here to network with them and get advice from others If I donrsquot know how to do something I ask somebody A good thing in America is that if someone is having problems people want to help they like people to feel happy

Also in my culture there is a saying ldquoHurry hurry no blessingrdquo This is a way of saying that you need to be patient I remind myself of that

BRYCS would like to thank World Relief for their help in arranging this interview Learn more about World Reliefrsquos work with refugees

BRYCS Parenting Conversations March 2007 Revised July 2011 Mary a Sudanese Mother ndash Page 4 wwwbrycsorg

BRYCS Parenting Conversations March 2007 Revised July 2011Mary a Sudanese Mother ndash Page 5 wwwbrycsorg

Discussion Questions for Refugee Serving Agencies

1 What guidance or information would you offer Maryrsquos family regarding discipline practices in the US

o BRYCS Resource Raising Children in a New Country A Toolkit for Working with Newcomer Parents

o Positive Discipline (available in English Hmong Somali and Spanish) Regents of the University of Minnesota and the Childrenrsquos Hospitals and Clinics Minneapolis-St Paul MN (1999)

2 How would you help families like Maryrsquos to understand what public schools expect of parents in the US

o BRYCS Resources Spring 2007 Spotlight Involving Refugee Parents in their Childrenrsquos

Education Limited English Proficient (LEP) Parent Involvement Project A Guide for

Connecting Immigrant Parents and Schools A Guide to Your Childrenrsquos School A Parent Handbook [available in English Arabic Bosnian Russian Spanish and Vietnamese]

3 How can refugees in your community get around if they do not own a car What

transportation resources are available in your community to assist refugees How do transportation issues affect your agencyrsquos ability to work with refugees

o Resource RefugeeWorks newsletter on transportation issues (Summer 2000)

4 What cross-cultural issues can arise for refugee mothers enrolled in government programs like the Women Infants and Children program (WIC) How does your agency address food and nutrition issues with refugees

o Resources US Committee for Refugees and Immigrants Healthy Eating Healthy

Living in the United States Flip Chart Web list of ldquoEthnicCultural Resourcesrdquo related to food and nutrition

5 What kind of orientation is or should be provided to refugees in your community on US

laws and norms about domestic violence or spousal abuse

o Resources

Refugee Womens Alliance (ReWA) Domestic Violence Program including sexual assault educational videos in Cambodian Chinese Amharic Russian Somali and Vietnamese Tapestri Inc Immigrant and Refugee Coalition Challenging Gender Based Oppression

The Government Response to Domestic Violence Against Refugee and

Immigrant Women in the MinneapolisSt Paul Metropolitan Area A Human Rights Report