brithday fic

7/27/2019 Brithday Fic

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Gunther walked solemnly in the room, followed by his guard of loyal puppy knights. All the

animals parted before him, whispering excitingly.

Silence, silence you fools! growled Oscar. Let the Prince through!

This is not a day for harsh words, brother, Gunther stopped him. He reached the middle of theroom wiggling is royal behind in the most noble and dignified way, and turned to face his

subjects.

Friends! he thundered, My fellow brave dogs

And cats! came a voice from one of the highest bookshelves.

And cats, yes, I was just about to say that. Gunther cleared his throat nervously. I gathered

you here today to give you an announcement of tremendous importance, concerning someone

most dear to all of us. Im talking of course about my perfect and gorgeous soulmate, the

Princess.

Oh, that is so sweet, sighed a grayish cat.

Frannie, weve been through this. You... youre notthe Princess. Were not married. Its very

important for me that you understand that.

Aw, look at him, hes being shy. Frannie winked in his direction. Whatever you say,

sweetheart.

Gunther rolled his eyes. That was a problem for another day. As I was saying, I just overheardsomething from our humans, news of the most important, happiest kind! Listen, my fellow

animals, and rejoice, because today is our Princess birthday!

Nobody talked for a moment. Then Spider, the black cat, sneered Whats a BIRTHDAY?

Gunther glared at him. The damn cat had just ruined his perfect speech, but he couldn't really

say anything about it, because as everybody in the whole world knows, black cats are

absolutely perfect in every possible way and nothing bad can be said about them. Gunther tried

to change the subject. Knowing what a birthday is is not the important thing here!

You dont know, do you? said Spider triumphantly.

Ahem, came a mysterious voice from somewhere in the room. Suddenly from the shadows

emerged a raccoon holding a piece of half-eaten pizza and with an expression that clearly said

this is my moment to shine. Your Highness! he cried. I am the birthday expert, at your

service.


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Gunther was so surprised that for a moment he forgot his royal manners. And what in the

blazing FUCK are youdoing here?! Then noticing his subjects faces, he quickly amended, I

mean Master Raccoon, how long have you been hiding there?

Who, me? Just passing by, nothing more. He noticed the pizza he was holding and quickly hid

it behind his back. I like to stop here from timeto time to um, check the humans food stocks,because we dont want them to starve this winter, do we? And since I was already here, I

decided to take a look at our dear Princess magic internet box, see if everything is working fine,

maybe stream a thing or two He realized that everyone in the room was now growling at him

and stopped abruptly.

The dogs didnt know what kind of black magic this internetwas, but they sure as hell didnt like

this smelly creature in their room. I say we EAT him! cried Violet, who was the youngest one

and wanted to prove herself.

Now, really, theres no need for that, I only did it out of charity he turned to Gunther. Please,

Your Highness, think of the birthday!

Right! The Birthday! said Gunther, immediately forgetting his killing thirst. After all, his duties

as Prince and Perfect Soulmate were more important than his dog instincts. You say you are

an expert, Master Raccoon?

Indeed I am, said the raccoon, relieved. After all, Ive spent all my life watching human TV. A

birthday is... he scratched his head. A birthday is when the human family is gathered together

to sing and eat and clap their weird paws to celebrate our Princess.

Ah, now I know what youre talking about! said Gunther. I remember such a day. The housesmells always good and theres a lot of pretty, shiny paper on the floor. He looked around in the

room thoughtfully. Now that we knowwhat we need to do, its only a matter of finding the

perfect way to honor my Dearest One. Lets start with the most pressing matter: the smell. My

dear subjects, what is the best smell in the world?

The dogs looked at one another. There was only one answer to that question.

Poop, said Oscar solemnly.

Thats right, my brother. Poop. The richest, most delightful smell you can find. Although I think

we all agree that in such a grand occasion we need something bolder than your everyday

pooping. No, what we need, my friends, is to poop all over the room.

All the dogs and several of the cats gasped. That was indeed going to be a very special day.

Gunther, determined to give them his best motivational speech yet, jumped on the bed and said,

Thats right, my friends. Im asking you to poop on the floor, on the couch, on the chair,


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everywhere you can think of. Really put yoursoulinto it. Ive smelled all of your butts and I know

you can do it.

Could I said Violet timidly. Could I poop on the Princess slippers?

Of course, Vi, what a splendid idea.

Violet almost fainted. She had always loved those sleepers, and now the great honor to

decorate them was bestowed upon her.

Thats settled, then, said Gunther. What else? Gather the family, but we are all already

here

Except for the royal baby Princes and Princesses, said the raccoon, who knew everything

about everyone in the house. At Gunther puzzled look, he added, The royal baby kitties? In the

locked room? Dont you know about them?

Gunther didnt, but he would never admit it. Of course, the baby, um, kitties. Someone go fetch

them immediately!

I will go! said Elliot, who believed himself the best when it came down to fetching things.

Right on. And take our strongest dogs with you. Take that door down at any cost!

We will, Your Highness! said the brave dogs, and left.

Splendid. Splendid. What now? He looked thoughtful. The paper on the floor. But where canwe found such a huge amount of paper?

I can take care of that, Prince, said Spider. He usually didnt like to mingle with the dogs

insane schemes, but that was a special day, after all. He jumped on the couch and showed

them the book lying there. As you all know, this is the Princess favorite kind of paper. Now

watch this.

With an expert movement, he shoved the book on the floor, where it fell open, and began to

scratch on it. Soon, the white pages where reduced to tiny bits of paper flying all over the room.

Thats thats genius. Gunther had to admit. Damn black cats. Lets take down the other

books! he said enthusiastically. Lets really make it snow in here!

The cats immediately started to climb the bookshelves and take the books down. In that

moment the knights came back from their mission, each carrying an extremely grumpy-looking

kitten.


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Let me go! shrieked the one dangling from Charlies mouth. Let me go! How dare you!! I am

Queen Victoria the Great! I will pee on everything you love! I will eat yourheart for breakfast!

Tori, calm down, pleaded a cream colored kitty. Cant we just all be friends?

To hellwith friendship! Richard! Richard, where are you?! Kill them, kill them now!

But before brave Richard could launch into a potentially deadly attack, Gunther intervened.

Please, theres no need for this, he said. We brought you here to celebrate the Princess

birthday! This is her room, we are just now decorating it.

Victoria looked around. Decorating? Looks to me like youre trying to destroy it.

Exactly! said Gunther triumphantly.

An identical devilish grin appeared on the four tiny faces. You should have said it sooner, they

said, and joined the party.

And thus the preparations began. Poop, poop, poop!chanted the animals ecstatically, as they

delivered their gifts of love to every corner of the room. Soon there wasnt a single intact book

on the shelves. The computer screen was knocked down and hit the floor emitting a shower of

pretty sparks. (No! Not the computer!yelled the raccoon.) The bed collapsed under Charlies

enthusiastic jumps, and everybody agreed that it looked better that way.

Gunther was looking at the room with tears in his beautiful puppy eyes. Shes going to be so

happywhen she comes back home, he said proudly.

brithday fic

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