fhe Scum. /-1(11 November /')IN j]

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SEX MAD: Hanlon ata recent orgy

The SUiJn, /11/. 'Jovcmher 199-1

THEMark Hanlon on thecommittee of the Ox-ford University DoctorWho Society has beenone long saga of sex,corruption and powerstruggles,

Of course, there wasonly so much the valiantbody of men and womenthat constitute the Commit-tee could take, They had toget rid of the slobberingmonster, who had for yearsbeen embezzling the so-ciety, flaunting his manymistresses, indulging inhard drugs, and plottingagainst anything thatbreathed,

Their chance came un-expectedly, as the result ofone of Hanlon' s own re-peated grabs for power.

Hanlon had managed tomanoeuvre the committeeinto making him the Presi-dent for a day for 'CVpoints' and 'to honour thework he has done' It wasa position he did not to in-tend to give up,

They contacted TheScum and gave us evidenceof his nefarious doings, Wepromised to help denouncehim; they promised to getrid of him. The date we setfor his removal was 6thJune- D Day,

As the title credits ofPlanet oj Fire 3 rolled, Iand my brave photographer

Hanlon with one of his many mistresses

Reporting by RVAN HEMAGE

stormed into the MilesRoom and presented ourevidence to Hanlon, whowas presiding over themeeting, This evidenceincluded

Photographs of Hanloncanoodling with Ms KatyManning, who was naked,

The tie which he usedto tie up his sex slaves

A copy of his de-bauched book Sex _.. AnOral History (available forThe Scum's gift shop at£1299)

Revealed that thoughprofessing to be a sup-porter of the Labour partyhe had been involved inelectioneering for the Con-servative party, and that wehad the blue rosette toprove it (this promptedHanlon to cry 'YouBastard')

Not only will we bemeeting in SPC, with a

President from thatcollege, but the

candidate and thePresident will be livingin the same house. Theworrying aspect of theCorpus Christi Mafia

of recent years isnothing compared to

the SINISTERPENETRA TION of

this society amiULTIMATE

CONTROL thereof bydenizens of Oxford's

saddest college- A lice Drewery

At this point, the dis-gusted and dethronedPresident of the Society,Mr Anthony Wilson, leaptup and launched a viciousattack on Hanlon.

A much more violentattack was initiated by MrJames Brough, an ex-Pre-sident of the Society whowas disgusted at the wayHanlon had debased thehighest office in the land.He pulled out a sword,supplied by his own privatearms dealer, and stabbedHanlon, who died

. eventually.

Not one to bear agrudge, Wilson gave thedead Hanlon a glowingobituary and everyonesettled down for Planet ojFire 4.

Eventually the bastardrecovered and he was pres-ented with a tape of newage music. If violence fails- try bribery'·:·

,100 YEARS FROM NOWThe Scum, November 14th 2094

RUMOURS are growing over the imminent returnof Doctor Who to our 3D Holoscreens. A spokesper-son for Amblin Television said today that they werehopeful of clinching a deal with the BBC. Rumouredto be up for the role of Doctor Who are MacaulyCulkin Ill, Keanu Hasselhof, grandson of the notedthespian Michael, and Jon Pertwee's lisp, which waspreserved after the 'actor's' death in the late 1990s.Here's hoping!·:·

The Scum, I-tth November /iJY-I

SPORT: THE DOCTOR \\/HO ALL-COMERS SOCCER MATCH

MONSTERS !UIlASH COMPANIONS!·WE stuffed 'em!" declared Monsters XI 3 Companions XI 0 praced the ball on the spot. He

The Monsters' manager, Jo- Reporting: Page Nehm ~icke~ it, but thr. ~ove5-like-nathan Powell after the Ilghtnmg Rast,on Warnor Rob~t

so wooden just stood there and let (Raston Warnor Robot to hiSend of what had proved to the ball bounce off them into the friends) hod saved the ball almostbe a thrilling match, The net. Celebrations were marred, before it had left Ion's foot, andthree goals scored by the however, when the Cyberleader was had the ball in the back of theMonsters XI proved to be sent off for excessive use of the Companions net quicker than you

word 'excellent' following his gool. can say, "Jon Pert wee has an enor-more than enough to bury 0 mous conk:k d ( - The Componions one, and only,wea ene ompcmons team. All in oH this was a convincing

The first goal came after a win for the Monsters. The threedrop-ball situation after K9, who Sontarans in defence proved to behad got stuck in a minor incline in an impenetrable wall, and the Em-the pitch, hod vaporised the ball. A peror Dalek was 0 fixed pillar ofnew ball was provided by Mr Po- strength in midfield, mainly be-well (though what he was doing cause nobody had designed thewith that radio control is any bloody thing to be moved. Nextguess). After Peri came on for K9 week, the Monsters take on the(0 useless lump of silverdoured Doctors XI; the Companions take oncardboard, declared the manager lower Houghton Kindergarten.·:·of the Companions XI, Mr Nathan-Turner afterwards). However, Sca-roth cheated in the drop-ball by rip-ping of his mask as soon as thereferee let go of the ball. Jopromptly screamed whereupon $ca-roth took possession of the ball andstarted a skilful run towards thecomponions goal. He then passedto the Master, who poused only tohypnotise Harry before scoring. ~was then that Nathan-T urner, re-gretted puning a corpse - the deadAdric - in goal.

The second goal came justafter half-time. A great surging runby the Cyberleader brought him toa scoring position, just outside thecompanions box. He struck amighty shot, which rebounded offboth Nyssa and Steven, who being

The Cyberleader after beingsent oH

opportunity come twenty minuteslater. A neat passing manoeuvrebetween Peri, Tegan and lanbrought the ball in to the opposingpenalty box. Ion then passed toSuson, who promptly twisted heronkle and fell over. The referee im-mediately blew for a penalty. Mass-ive objections were raised by theMonsters team, who protested thatSusan always fell over. A fightbroke out, resulting in Tegan beingsent for an early bath. Mr Nathan-Turner was seen following her tothe changing rooms.

Tension was mounting os Ion

Monsters XI (3-S-2): RorlonWorrior Robot, Slyke, SlOr, Styre,DOVTor(c), (yberleader (dir. 48),Brolon, Emperor Dolek, Seoroth, TheMorter, The Roni Substitutes: TheMeddling Monk (for The Morter14), Myrko (unused because it woraop) Manager: lonothon Powell

CompaniollS XI (4-4-2):ADric, Sleven (e" Horry, Nyrro, 10,Tegon (dis. 69), Soroh lone, K9,la, km, Suron Subsitutes: Vioo(for Suron 69), Peri (for K9 8)Ma"ager: lohn Nothon-Turner

Referee: Mr Rorrilon. Lines-IIIen: Mr 8. Guordion, MI WGuordion

AttenJallce: 3~

10th October: Amy Base, Androzani Minor17th Odober: Kaled C'1ty, Skaro

23Ri October: Aztec Temple, Mexico24th October: UNIT Headquarters, England

31 si October: Brencloll School, England6th November: Up Our Own Backside71h November: The Capitol, Gallifrey

14th November: 11te Psychic Grcus, Segonal20th November: Jerusalem, The Holy Land

21 si Ne•••ember. Olllega's HQ, Allli--tllaller Uni",erseCANCEUED

28th November: The Monitor's Office, Logopolis5th December: HeM Beacon, Yoga

15

'DR WHO' A RISKTO HEALTH

SCIENTISTS work-ing at the Oxford Lniver-sity Department ofTelevisual Studies todayreleased a I,963 page re-port which revealed thatin computer projections,99.9% of people who areexposed to more than 2hours a week of, .DrWho' will die before theage of 120.

Professor K Rawen,Head of OUDTS, todaycalled for a nation-wideban of all 'Dr Who' re-lated products A govern-ment spokesman refusedto comment. .:.

IINVADED

FIVEPLANETS

IN ONENIGHT!

THE DALEKSUPREMETELLS HISSTORY OFGALACTICCONQUESTlOTHE

SCUM SEEPAGE 34

The Scum, 1-1(hNovember jI)'J-I16

Dear Aunty Ainley.

We have a problem. The Cyberrace is at the end of itstether We've been reduced to wandering the galaxy in aspace+i- "''''de of toilet rolls. armed onlv with bad specialeffects. and \.VI:. ve been reduced to just four in number. Isthere any way out of this mess"

YoursThe Cybercontroller

It's TheMan WithAll TheAnswers Dear Cybercontroller,

I think you need to relax a little. Take a well earnedbreak and chill out for a while. You have to stop con-quering the universe and be cool for a while. Youshould try having a holiday. I hear Telos is a nice spotthis time of year.

Dear Aunty Ainley,

I think I'm getting typecast People keep expectingme to rip off my clothes and eat Sugar Puffs all the time.I'm sick of this, and I can't stand the damn cereal, any-way. Iwant a more challenging role in life. Have you anysuggestions?

YoursThe Honey MonsterDear Aunty Ainley,

I'm a lonely bachelor in my late thirties, living on myown. However, everyone seems to be against me. I'vegot lots of men with big guns who went to see medragged through the streets, my name is slandered andlibelled throughout the Sinus sector, my only form ofhuman contact is a man with a silly grin who fluffs hislines, and, worst of all, there's this ridiculous monsterwhich is squatting in one of my caves. What can I do?

YoursDrJek

Dear Honey Monster,

There aren't many parts going round for 7 foottall, orange, furry creatures, but I think 1 can helpyou. My good friend, John Nathan- Turner, is lookingfor someone to play Kroagnon in his latest DoctorWho eeFeftI (sorry) serial. You could give that a try.

Dear Aunty Ainley,HELPI I'm having diffi-

culties. Maybe I'm just get-ting PARANOrobut therehave been complaintsabout me putting songtitles into my stories DON'TGETMEWRONG,I've got NOFEELINGSabout my PROB-LEMS,but SOMEPEOPLEareOUTTAGETME. Perhaps it'sjust a COMMUNICATIONBREAKDOWN,IDON'TKNOW.

THA.NKYOU

A New Adventure writer

Dear Aunty Ainley,

I've just met this man.He's slightly mad andhumphs a lot, but basi-cally he's a good sort. Iwondered if there's any-thing you could suqqestto get us closer together.

YoursAn Aztec Lady

Dear Or Jek,

I think it's obvious what it is you must do. Youmust try to get out more, meet people and makefriends. I'm sure you'll find that people don't hate youas much as you think they do. I think the fact thatyou're a bachelor has a lot to do with it. Surely thereare some nice girls you could ask out; you take themon picnics and nice walks in the park. I've sent you aleaflet: Aunty Ainley's Guide To Getting Girls By Kid-napping. I'm sure it'll come in handy.

Dear Aztec Lady,

In situations likethis, I always take myprospective partner outfor a drink. It he/ps tobreak the ice. You takethis man of yours to TheOlde Sacrificial Knife &Altar. or, failing that.you could share a nicecup of hot chocolate.

Have you got a prob-lem. Then why not write toAunty Ainley at the follow-ing address: Aunty Ainley,clo Gary Meehan, LincolnCollege, Oxford. OX13DR.

Aunty Ainley conceptby Julian Mander and MarkHanlon

Dear Aunty Ainley.

Click, clik. c1ll1iccckk.cliCK. click. c-c-lick. click.click. clic-click. c-l-Hick.CLick. click. cliiick!

Yours/'\ Foamasi

Dear Writer,

I'm afraid the onlysolution is for you to cutoff both your hands.That way you won't beable to inflict any more ofyour drivel on us.

Dear Foamasi,

Yes, I see your prob-lem. Have you con-sidered buying aUniversal Translator?They're frightfullyhandy in. situations likeyours. Ask Brock, Ithink he's got one.

AUNTY AINLEY COMMENTSA previously unknown parasite has attached itself to certain members of the DocSoccommittee. The symptoms are obvious: the invading organism takes the form of a furryfungal mass upon its victim's face, chin and neck. There is only one known cure: apacket of razors and an appropriate quantity of shaving foam. Keep your eyes peeled·:·