bridget jones joins twitter

BRIDGET JONES

Helen Fielding

VINTAGE CONTEMPORARIES

VINTAGE BOOKS

A DIVIS ION OF RANDOM HOUSE LLC

NEW YORK

Mad About the Boy

Fiel_9780345806345_2p_all_r5.indd 9 3/18/14 3:49 PM

FIRST VINTAGE CONTEMPORARIES EDITION, JUNE 2014

Copyright 2013 by Helen Fielding

All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Vintage Books, a division of Random House LLC, New York, a Penguin Random House

company. All rights reserved. Originally published in Great Britain by Jonathan Cape, an imprint of The Random House Group Limited, London,

and subsequently published in the United States by Alfred A. Knopf, a division of Random House LLC, New York, in 2013.

Vintage is a registered trademark and Vintage Contemporaries and colophon are trademarks of Random House LLC.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously.

Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

The Library of Congress has cataloged the Knopf edition as follows:Fielding, Helen

Bridget Jones : mad about the boy / Helen Fielding.Issued in print and electronic formats.

ISBN 978- 0- 345- 80795- 3I. Title. II. Title: Mad about the boy.

PR6056.I35B75 2013823.'914 C2013- 904990- 8

Vintage ISBN: 978- 0- 345- 80634- 5eBook ISBN: 978- 0- 385- 35087- 7

www.vintagebooks.com

Printed in the United States of America10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1


177

DO NOT TWEET WHEN DRUNK

Thursday 10 January 2013Twitter followers 652, Twitter followers who came back 1, new Twitter followers 2, alcohol units (do not want to even think about it. Butquavering voicedont I deserve a little happiness?).

9.30 p.m. Chloe staying over again after her night out with Graham in Camden. Is nice sitting down at the end of the day and updating myself with current affairs and Twitter with a well-earned glass or two of white wine.

10 p.m. Woah. Fantastic story: Beef Lasagne 100% Horse.

10.25 p.m. Hee hee. Just tweeted.< @JoneseyBJ Warning: Fish fingers found to be 90%

Sea Horse. >Sure will be retweeted and bring more followers like

spambot tweet! Maybe will have another glass of wine. I mean, Chloe

is here, so is fine. Love that the tone of my Twitter feed is so loving and

friendly. Not like some, where everyone is slagging each other off. Really, is like going back to the days of Robin Hood with all these little fiefdoms and oh . . .


178

10.30 p.m. Everyone is slagging me off. And my tweet. < @_Sunnysmile @JoneseyBJ You think thats a new

joke? Dont you read anyone except yourself on Twitter? Self-obsessed or what? >

Really need another glass of wine now.

10.45 p.m. Right, am going to tweet back to @sunny or whatever shes called erself and tick her off. So people arent allowed to make up their own jokes any more?

11 p.m. < @JoneseyBJ @_Sunnysmile If you dont stop being mean I will de-follow you. >

11.01 p.m. < @JoneseyBJ @_Sunnysmile Here one spreads joy & positive energy by tweeting. Rather like birds do. >

11.07 p.m. < @JoneseyBJ They toil not, neither do they tweet. Hmm. No, they do tweet though. Thasu point with birds. >

11.08 p.m. < @JoneseyBJ Anyway f*** em. Stupid birds flapping around tweeting all over s place. Oh oh look at me! Im a bird! >

11.15 p.m. < @JoneseyBJ Hate birds. Look at that movie The Birds! Birds can turn MAN-EATING. >

11.16 p.m. < @JoneseyBJ Peecking peoples eyes out with 60s hairdos. Vicious nasty birds. >


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11.30 p.m. < @JoneseyBJ 85 followess gone waway. Why? Whywasi hwohave I don? comebac!k >

< @JoneseyBJ Noo! Follwers draining away as if through sieve. >

< @JoneseyBJ Nooo! Hate bireds Hatetweetings Hate drainqineaway follwoers. An goingsoto bed! >


180

TWUNKEN AFTERMATH

Friday 11 January 2013Twitter followers lost 551, Twitter followers remaining 101, number of words of screenplay written 0.

6.35 a.m. Will just check my TwiGaaah! Just remem-bered twunking incoherent drunken rant last night, slagging off birds for no reason to hundreds of complete strangers. Oh God. Have clouting hangover and have got to do school run. Oh, is OK because Chloe is doing school run. Am going back to sleep.

10 a.m. Look, this can be salvaged, like any other PR disas-ter. With exception, possibly, of current Lance Armstrong PR disaster.

10.15 a.m. Right. The Leaves in His Hair. Must get on.

11.15 a.m. Actually, maybe I could have a career in PR! Oh, shit, is 11.15, must get on with screenplay. First, though, clearly I quickly need to make a full and frank Twit-ter apology to my few remaining followers.

< @JoneseyBJ Very sorry re #twunk last night re birds. >


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11.16 a.m. < @JoneseyBJ Birds delight our ears and eyes with their feathers and song! And control worms. Leave birds alone! >

11.45 a.m. Maybe will just throw in quote from Dalai Lama for good measure:

< @JoneseyBJ Just as a snake sheds its skin so we can shed our past and begin anew. (@DalaiLama) >

9.15 p.m. Right. Children are asleep. Am going to get back on Twitter.

9.16 p.m. OMG. Tweet from @_Roxster! Yesss! At least Roxster has not left in disgust.

< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ @DalaiLama Once the hang-over has cleared? Do you realize youve been singled out in a #Twunk thread? >

9.17 p.m. Oh God. Everyone is ridiculing me and retweet-ing my drunken birds tweet. Must try and do damage con-trol.

< @JoneseyBJ #twunkbirds Look, sorry, I really wish I hadntwhat is the past tense of tweet? Tweeted? Twittered? >

< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ I believe the appropriate term is Twat. >

< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Are you being grammatical or rude? >

< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ The former *pretentious voice*: from the Latin, Twitto, Twittarse, Twittat. >


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Hes funny. And pic is handsome. And young-looking. I wonder who he is?

< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Roxster, if you carry on like this, your 103 remaining Twitterati will be demanding sick bags. >

< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ Why? Are they all hung-over because they too were twunking about birds last night? >

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Cheeky young whippersnapper.

< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Please stop being so imper-tinent, or I shall have to tweak you. >

< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ Tweak or tweet? Best not the latter. Youve just lost 48 more followers. >

< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Oh no! They think Im a really neurotic Twitterer and fat. >

< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ Did you just say and fart? >< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster No, Roxster, I said and fat.

You seem unhealthily obsessed with farting and vomiting. >Roxster just retweeted me from one of his followers:

< @Raef_P @Rory See you in five, yar? Outside the Fart-age? > adding:

< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ Posh bastards are skiing in France. >

< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster But what is Fartage? >< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ Waxing. >

10 p.m. Waxing? France? Suddenly have lurching fear that Roxster is not a cute younger man who finds me entertain-ing, but gay, and is drawn to me and Talitha as tragic ironic ruined drag acts, like Lily Savage.


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10.05 p.m. Just called Talitha to get her opinion.Roxster? That rings a bell. Is he one of my followers?Hes MY follower! I said indignantly, then conceded,

Though he may have jumped across from you.Hes adorable. Roxster. Roxby someone. I had a man

on the show who was plugging designer food-recycling cad-dies and Roxby came with him. He works for some green eco-charity. Nice young chap. Very handsome. Go for it!

10.15 p.m. < @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Do you go to France and get waxed, Roxster? >

< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ *Deep masculine voice* Jonesey, I am very far from gay. I am talking about waxing snowboards. >

< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Oh oh, look at me, Im a young person. I do snowboarding in baggy trousers showing my underpants. >

< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Instead of skiing elegantly with a fur-lined hood. >

< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ Do you like younger men, Jonesey? >

< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster *Icy, almost to point of glacier- esque* Excuse me? What EXACTLY are you implying? >

< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ *Hides behind sofa* How old are you, Jonesey? >

< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Oscar Wilde: Never trust a woman who will tell you her age. If she tells you that she will tell you anything. >

< @JoneseyBJ @_Roxster How old are you, Roxster? >< @_Roxster @JoneseyBJ 29. >


bridget jones joins twitter

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