breaking dawn epov part 1

8/8/2019 Breaking Dawn EPOV Part 1

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When we were cleared to leave the plane, I reached over and brushed the hair back from Bella's face. Her eyes

turned to me, filled with some sort of intense emotion. She was so lovely, and I ached to take her pain away, to

make things right again. I leaned over and kissed her gently on her pale cheek.

"I love you," I whispered in her ear. I pulled back to look at her, and she nodded, her wide eyes searching my face.

"I know," she whispered, her first words in several hours.

I stood up and gently helped her to her feet. I placed my hand on her warm back, feeling her heart beat beneath

my fingers, and helped guide her out of the plane. It took all my control not to send the foolish humans who kept

bumping into her flying into the side of the plane. When we reached the terminal, I wrapped my arm around her,

but she seemed to shrug it off . She resents me for this, I thought painfully. So, instead, I took her hand gently in

mine and led her towards where I could sense my family was waiting.

My family's minds were very clear to me now. Everyone's thoughts were filled with worry and concern for Bella.

Alice's head continued to be a jumble of blurry images of Bella, and pain. When I got close enough to see, her face

was pinched and miserable. Jasper was concentrating on Alice. He was trying not to become consumed by

everyone's anxiety, attempting to beat it back with calm so that he could try to help relieve her pain.

Rosalie's mind caught me off guard. She was feeling very intense about something, but her thoughts were wild and

unclear. It was hard to distinguish her emotions – was she angry? Images of Bella filled her head several times and

my thoughts blackened. Why was she feeling so strongly about Bella? Was she jealous of the pregnancy? It wouldbe like her to make this about herself. I had an irrational fear that Rosalie might try to attack Bella, right here in

the airport. But that was ridiculous – what would be her motivation? I tried to shut out the self-centered workings

of Rosalie's mind.

"Is your family here?" Bella asked quietly, breaking into my contemplation. I glanced down, surprised, but of

course her human eyes couldn't see what mine did.

"Yes, right over there." I gestured, and her eyes squinted in that direction.

"All of them?" she breathed.

"Yes, they are all here," I said. Her heartbeat picked up. She's anxious to see Alice, I thought. And Carlisle, of

course. To hear from him that everything would be OK. She would trust his reassurances over mine, as she rightly

should. Unlike me, Carlisle had never done anything to harm her. I paused, reaching out to take her other hand,and pulled her to me, cradling her hands against my chest. This would be our last few moments alone, and I was

filled with a strange sense of foreboding. Bella took her hands out of mine and reached up to my face, her warm

fingers caressing my skin. I cherished her touch, aching with the feelings of happiness and despair that dueled

inside me.

"Edward," she whispered. "I…" She trailed off, the words seeming to get stuck in her throat. She searched my face,

looking for something. She seemed to be struggling to figure something out, to make a decision. What did she

want?

"It's okay, love," I said. "In a few hours this will all be a bad dream." Bella froze, and something flashed in her eyes

before she closed them and looked away. Her shoulders seemed to hunch over a little.

"Let's go," she said in a quiet, rough voice, pulling away from me and starting to walk again. I took her hand,

confused by her reaction. I couldn't think clearly on this anymore. I needed Carlisle.

I searched Carlisle's mind, seeing it filled with thoughts about the surgical room he had begun to set up in his office

at home, and the equipment he had brought from the hospital. There were bags of blood in the refrigerator, just in

case Bella needed them. He was working through all the possible scenarios of how the procedure might go. His

final thought sent a piercing jolt of shock through me. If all else went wrong, Carlisle planned to change her. He

would do it himself if I wouldn't – to save Bella if he couldn't stop the bleeding, or to allow the venom to kill the

thing inside her if he couldn't get it out. He was agonizing over it, trying to envision the best spots to bite in order

to make the transformation quicker. How to get the most venom into her bloodstream. His mind filled with an

image of himself, kneeling by a sleeping Bella, her arm in his grip, as his mouth rested against her wrist. He

remembered how he would fight the bloodlust, how he had in the past. He remembered the scent of her blood.



I froze on the spot. Even when Carlisle had agreed to change Bella after graduation, he had never let his thoughts

get this far. The horror of this image, of Bella, helpless, Carlisle's teeth about to pierce her fragile skin, filled me

with a sickness and despair that tore at my brain. My emotions halted coherent thought, and an intense feeling of

fury at Carlisle began to overtake me. I didn't move, fighting against the overwhelming urge to throw myself at

him, to attack him, to protect my love. We were about 15 feet away and I locked eyes with Carlisle. He realized I

had seen what he was thinking, and I knew he had not meant for me to see those images in his mind. His face was

anguished. It may be the only way, Edward, he thought. You need to accept that .

No, I screamed inside my head. Not like this. Bella was tugging on my arm and I felt her fingers twist out of mine.

I glanced over to see her flying across the open space towards my family, her long brown hair cascading out

behind her. We all watched her, statues, except for Alice. Holding her fingers pressed against her eyes she took a

step forward, as if to meet her.

But Bella flew by Alice and, in a flash, was swept into Rosalie's arms. Rosalie? I was too dumbstruck to move. And

then, suddenly, like the boom of thunder, Rosalie's thoughts finally broke free and crashed down on me. The baby.

Save the baby. Her baby. Mine. I won't let them hurt it. Anger flooded my brain and I roared back to life. In a

fraction of a second, I was at Bella's side, the rest of my family still frozen. Rosalie's arms were around Bella, steel

vices, and Bella was sobbing into her chest. I put my hands on Bella's shoulders.

"Let her go, Rose," I said, my voice deadly. She just stared back at me grimly. I searched her mind, trying to get a

hold on her plans. There was a resolve, a plan to protect the baby at all costs. And an aching desire she couldn't

hide to have that baby as her own. Anger and hate clouded my vision momentarily. I wanted to rip her head off.

"I'm not going to let you act out your sick fantasies on my wife," I hissed at Rosalie, too low for Bella to hear. She

narrowed her eyes at me and sent a thought in my direction. A memory of a phone call from Bella. You have to

help me, Rosalie. I want this baby. Help me protect him. Bella's words. Bella's intentions.

You blind fool, Rosalie sneered in her head. I stared at Bella, mortified. She called it a baby? My mind processed

this with horror. She imagined a baby in there, and she wanted it. Did she not appreciate, not understand, that it

was a monster I had created inside her? A monster that would kill her. I felt a sickly dread crawl under my skin,

and begin to work its way through my entire body.

Bella's eyes were shining up at me, full of tears. And now, I finally named the expression in them. Resolve.

Commitment. Not to me this time, but to the thing inside her. Rosalie was right. I was a blind fool. Then Bella

moved her hand slowly down to her stomach, and her expression changed. A blush appeared on her perfect face. It

wasn't fear, or discomfort. It was love. Love for the monster inside her. Oh god. Oh god, oh god, oh god. What had

already been a nightmare worsened, shifted. Became a horror story within a nightmare.

My family finally unfroze. Carlisle stepped quickly over next to us, and Emmett put his arm protectively around

Rose.

"What's going on?" Carlisle asked in a low voice. Rosalie stared at him, her glare just as hard as it had been for

me.

"No one is going to hurt this baby," she hissed at him. Carlisle stared in shock, and then horror slowly dawned on

his face. Alice groaned behind him, and it looked like she might fall to the floor. Jasper steadied her.

I was reeling from the revelation of Bella's feelings. Love for the thing inside her, the monster that would take her

life? What madness was this?

"Bella, sweetheart," I said in a low, gentle voice. "Love, let go of her. Come to me." I tugged on her shoulders

gently. Her eyes left mine and looked up at Rosalie, who shook her head minutely. When she looked back at me

they had changed again. They flickered with distrust and she shook her head. I seethed with hatred for Rosalie.

"Bella," I said, and tugged more forcefully. I could feel my fingers pressing too hard into her soft body. I let go and

grabbed Rosalie's wrist, twisting it. I wondered if I could snap it off without making too much of a scene. She

hissed and Emmett took a step towards me. Carlisle's hands were on the both of us in a flash.

"Stop it," he ordered quietly. "Not here." All around us humans were coming and going from various flights. I let go

of Rosalie's hand in disgust, and she wrapped it back around Bella. My mind scorched with anger.



"Bella?" I asked. I tried to keep my voice steady.

Bella looked at me, her face worried, but her deep, brown eyes glowing with passion. "Edward," she said, in a low,

pleading voice. "I want to keep this baby. When I heard what you and Carlisle were planning, I didn't know if you

would listen to me, let me explain. If I could stop you. So I called Rosalie." Her face fell miserably, and she looked

down at the ground. I stared at her, trying to comprehend, and then slowly, painfully, realization crept into my

mind. She did not want to end this monstrous pregnancy. Suddenly, I was gripped by a fierce resolve. She was

right to worry, because I would not let anything, including her misplaced emotions, stand in the way of saving herlife. I would not let her get hurt.

"Let's discuss this at home," murmured Carlisle. He was looking at me, concerned about the expression on my

face. Rosalie turned and started walking, her arm wrapped protectively around Bella. I stayed pressed to Bella's

side, Emmett flanking Rosalie on the other side, continually glancing at me. Carlisle walked right behind us, his

hand on my shoulder. We drew some odd looks, walking in this tight group, everyone refusing to give up their

position. Esme, Alice and Jasper walked a little ways behind.

They had brought Carlisle's car, as well as my Volvo. I tugged on Bella, to bring her to the Volvo.

"You're getting in a car with her over my dead body," hissed Rosalie.

"That's the plan," I growled back.

"No Edward," said Bella. "I think it's best if I ride with Rosalie." I looked at her, shocked. She was looking down,

unable to meet my eyes. Instinctively, I reached out to lift her face to mine, but then let my hand drop. Rosalie

gave me a smug look and pulled Bella over to Carlisle's car.

"Come Edward," said Carlisle. "I'll drive." I followed him silently. Alice and Jasper came with us, and Esme rode

with Rosalie, Bella and Emmett. Alice paused by the car, putting her hand on my arm.

I'm sorry, she thought. I just can't see anything clearly. I didn't know what was happening.

"Rosalie?" I choked out quietly. "What is she…?"

She's there, but everything keeps blurring out. It's not hard to understand why she would help Bella with this. You

have to understand for her… Her thoughts trailed off as I turned away, blocking her out. I could not understandthis.

I searched the thoughts in the car in front of us as we drove home. Bella was crying quietly, and Rosalie was

comforting her. She knew I was listening.I'm not letting her go for a second, dear brother . She was prepared to

protect the thing inside Bella at all costs. She wanted it, wanted it to live. And if Bella wavered she was prepared to

try to convince her to keep carrying it. The risk to Bella meant nothing to her – she couldn't hide that from me. I

gripped the car door in rage, trying not to rip it off completely.

Edward, I heard from Carlisle. I looked over at him, and he had a grim look on his face. He gripped the steering

wheel tightly, looking straight ahead.You need to talk to Bella. Alone. Make her understand. If you see the chance

to get her away from Rose, take it. I'll be prepared. I stared at him, a little shocked. This had been my exact

thought, but I did not expect to hear it from Carlisle. The fact that he was saying it terrified me. His fear for Bella's

life was more intense than what I had read before in his thoughts. He saw very little hope for Bella, if we didn't end

this as planned.

I had been so blind. All those hours flying home, I had tragically misjudged what was going on in Bella's head. And

now, that precious time alone was lost. Time to stop this insanity, before she became resolved. I would have

pleaded with her, begged her on my knees for hours, to let us save her life. Instead, I had delivered her into the

arms of the worst possible person, the only person twisted enough to encourage her resolve in this deadly matter.

I felt a consuming panic. Bella was so stubborn, what if I couldn't get her to see reason? And it would be even

more impossible with Rosalie there, feeding the madness. I needed to get her away from Rosalie, as soon as

possible. And I was willing to go to extremes to accomplish it.



We pulled into the driveway. Rosalie, Emmett and Bella were already standing on the front porch. Rosalie only had

one hand on Bella. Her other hand was on Emmett's face, and she was speaking intently to him. He was upset. I

was gripped with a sudden terror that I had to act fast, or another opportunity might not come. I had to get Bella

alone, to convince her, before it was too late. Do it now, I thought. I made my move. I tore from the car and flew

at them.

"No Edward," cried Esme. Emmett's head snapped around and he launched himself at me. We slammed into each

other on the porch steps, just feet from Rose and Bella. Our arms locked.

"Stop it!" screamed Bella.

Emmett thought that I was attacking Rosalie. Idiot, I thought. This had nothing to do with Rosalie, other than

trying to get Bella away from her poisonous influence. Although, I wouldn't hesitate to take out some of my anger

at her if she stood between us.

"Quit it, Emmett," I snarled through gritted teeth. "I just want to talk to Bella alone." But Emmett could see the

wild look in my eyes, and he wanted me away from Rose until I calmed down. I glanced at Rosalie as we struggled.

She had her arms tight around Bella now. If I got past Emmett, could I still get Bella out of Rosalie's arms? And if I

was able to get Bella away, into the woods, could Carlisle convince Rosalie not to follow? Give me the time I

needed to talk to her? I tensed, searching Emmett's mind for his next move.

No Edward, stop! Alice's desperate voice was loud in my head. You will hurt her! And my mind filled with Alice'sblurry vision of Bella being crushed in a struggle between Rosalie and me. Dammit. I dropped my arms from

Emmett and he shoved me off the stairs. I flew backwards and slammed into the car, shattering a window.

"Edward!" Bella screamed, horror flooding her face. I straightened up quickly. Of course I was fine. Emmett held

his protective stance in front of Rosalie, and I stayed at the car. Carlisle ran up the stairs and put his hands on

Emmett's arms.

Rosalie glared at me, fury and determination on her face. She didn't trust me to be alone with Bella, especially

now. My eyes met Bella's for a moment. They were still concerned, but I also saw a flash of fear. Fear of me? I

wondered grimly. She looked away, too quickly.

Patience, Edward, thought Alice. We have to choose our moment wisely . I glanced at her, and took grim

satisfaction in her words. Alice would help me. We stood together, our love for Bella binding us. She leaned over

and murmured something to Jasper and he nodded. Jasper would help as well. Along with Carlisle, it was all Ineeded. I would wait for the right moment. I would save Bella from this deadly fate. Carlisle was moving Emmett

into the house, and we all followed.

Chapter 2—Love

Watching Bella walk in front of me, clinging to Rosalie, the world suddenly felt like a very foreign place. My arms

felt empty, and the distance between us, although short, loomed painfully. I feared I didn't know how, or when, I

would be able to cross it.

We went straight into the dining room. Lines were drawn as we sat down, reminding me of the first time we

gathered around this table to discuss Bella. It seemed like a lifetime ago. It might as well have been. Carlisle sat at

the head, and Esme next to him. I stood behind Carlisle, unable to sit. Alice walked in slowly and sat next to

Carlisle, Jasper behind her. I was extremely concerned about the amount of physical pain Alice was in – I had

never seen her like that before.

Same as the first time we met to discuss Bella, Rosalie sat on the opposite side of the table. She pulled Bella into

her lap and wrapped her arms firmly around her. My stomach turned in disgust at the way Rosalie was holding her

so possessively. I visualized myself ripping off her arms. Bella stared at me, her eyes hurting, but her face calm

and resolved.



Emmett stood behind Rosalie, his expression clouded with concern and confusion. Obviously, Rosalie hadn't shared

her sick plan with him before now. He was watching Rose intently, as he thought over her words on the porch, that

she planned to help Bella keep the baby inside her. He didn't need an explanation why – he knew how badly Rose

wanted a baby, any baby. He glanced momentarily at me, and his thoughts flickered angrily back to our

confrontation on the porch. His desire to protect Rosalie had originally just been instinctive, but now that he knew

what Rose wanted, he would not let me take it away from her. I was shocked to sense a resentful undertone to

these thoughts, that I had given Bella what he could never give Rosalie.Insane.

As I watched him, Emmett's eyes slid down to Bella's stomach. A vision grew in his head, as his mind wandered,

unbidden, to imagine what was inside her. The image was a human baby, but then it opened its eyes, and they

were blood red. Its lips curled back as it bared its teeth in a grotesque expression.

"Emmett," I hissed quietly, sickened and infuriated. He started, and looked up at me quickly, his face strained. My

family's eyes moved between us, while Bella remained unaware. Sorry, Bro, he thought miserably. He meant for

more than the image in his mind.

"Okay," Carlisle began. "What is this?"

"I… we are not going to let you kill this baby," spat Rosalie.

"What is your role in this, Rosalie?" asked Carlisle. "This is about Bella. And Edward. It does not involve you," he

said firmly.

"The hell it doesn't," snapped Rosalie. "Bella called me – she called and asked me to help protect the baby from

you. Both of you." She glared pointedly at Carlisle and then me. I heard Esme gasp. "I know how you and Edward

feel, and I don't trust how far you will go to achieve it. So I am sticking with Bella, every minute, to help her

through it, and keep them both safe." Rosalie's eyes moved from Bella's face to her stomach, and then back to

Carlisle. Bella continued to watch my face, her eyes now full of unnecessary apologies.

Carlisle stared silently for a moment at Rosalie, his face hard. He certainly understood her interest in this, but he

felt it was at the expense of Bella's safety. His mind battled between anger and sympathy for her feelings. I

growled softly. Carlisle sighed, and decided he would not even try to reason with Rosalie. He looked at Bella, his

face pained.

"Bella," he said gently, and with such compassion. He sought to reassure her. "Don't be afraid. I will do everything

I can to keep you safe and healthy when we remove the…fetus. I can go over the procedure with you if…" But hewas stopped by Bella's sharp intake of breath.

"No," she gasped out, finally tearing her eyes from mine to look at Carlisle. Her face hardened slightly. "You don't

understand. I'm not afraid. I don't want you to take this baby away from me." Her eyes went back to mine,

pleading.

"Oh, Bella," Carlisle said, and it sounded like a groan. I just stood, staring, letting him carry on the conversation. I

didn't think I could speak rationally. "I have to tell you, you must understand…carrying this fetus will most likely

kill you. I'm so sorry, but this is the only way." His voice was filled with sorrow, and he prayed he was getting

through to her. But instead I saw a flash of determination in her eyes. She shook her head.

"No," she said, still shaking her head back and forth. "We don't know that. Why do you say that? This is our baby,

Edward's and mine. We made it, and I won't let you hurt him."

Edward, Carlisle thought. How can she be thinking this is possible? Talk to her. I took a deep breath to steady

myself. I tried to make my voice calm and reasonable. She could see reason, right?

"Bella, angel. This…fetus is not supposed to be in your body. We don't know what it will be like, what it might be

doing to you right now. What I heard on the island is that it will be strong. It will hurt you." Her expression didn't

change. My voice dropped to an agonized whisper. "It will kill you."



Bella didn't flinch at this, or drop her eyes from mine. I ascertained she knew what the word morte meant, and had

already considered that. My panic grew even more intense. What had she been resolving on that plane ride home?

How far was she willing to go?

"Yes, Bella," Carlisle urged. "We can't protect you from something we know so little about. Clearly it is growing

fast. Too fast. We have to act quickly."

Bella looked slowly between the two of us. Her hands moved to her stomach and a deep blush rose onto hercheeks. Her scent swirled strong around the room. A tenor of thirst flared up at the edge of everyone's thoughts,

indefensible in this moment, and yet, as ever, omnipresent in our lives.

"Just superstitions," she said stubbornly. She sighed, looking down at her hands on her stomach. "I will do

anything to protect him."

"Even kill yourself?" I snapped out harshly, unable to hold back. Her eyes moved to mine, and although she didn't

say anything, I could see the answer in her eyes. Yes. Yes, she would . She would die, as she almost had many

times, because of me, for me. For the monster I had created. Seeing the look on my face, she paled, and the

corners of her mouth turned down.

Alice spoke for the first time, lifting her head painfully from her hands.

"Bella, listen to Carlisle, let him help you," she pleaded in a strained voice. Bella stared at Alice, concern on her

face, but then slowly shook her head.

"I can do this," Bella said, her voice firm, ringing with finality. Rosalie nodded vigorously.

Oh Edward, Alice moaned in her head. She's not hearing us. Alice's eyes tightened with pain and worry. I can't find

her future. We can't lose her like this.Jasper, watching her face carefully, squeezed her shoulder in reassurance.

Jasper's thoughts had been focused solely on Alice this whole time. He was letting the pain in her head wash

through him, wanting to bear it as she did, wishing he could absorb it from her. But now he looked up at Bella, a

hard expression on his face. Whatever was growing inside of Bella was causing Alice physical pain. The idea of

something hurting Alice was excruciating, and unacceptable, to Jasper. His very existence was wrapped around

loving and protecting Alice, much as mine was for Bella. This raised his level of hatred towards the creature near to

even mine, and he viewed its unknown future with fear. Jasper was resolved that, right now, the best way to help

Alice, and save Bella, was to get that thing out. He was, as always, single minded and fierce in his purpose.

Carlisle's thoughts hit me then, loud and desperate. Edward, I don't know if I can get through to her. We may have

to do this another way – if we can get her alone, I can give her enough morphine to put her under and then…I

don't want to take away her choice. But I can't let her die. Carlisle's thoughts began to disintegrate in confusion

and despair. But mine became crystal clear. I would get Bella alone, and I would try to convince her to change her

mind. And if I couldn't – how far would I go to save her? I thought I knew. But first, I needed to get her away from

Rosalie. I began to strategize in my head. I would incapacitate Rosalie enough to get Bella from her arms. I would

need Jasper to take on Emmett.

As I made my decision the vision started forming in Alice's head. And as she resolved her course of action it

became clearer. Alice glanced up at Jasper, and, sensing our resolve, he seemed to read her mind. Alice and I

would go straight over the table. Jasper could come around to be at Emmett's back. Alice would hold off Rosalie

once I had Bella. The initial confrontation was blurry, but further ahead the vision was clear. Alice could only see

herself, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie. She felt this meant I was somewhere else with Bella. She searched the future,struggling to figure out the best way to contain Rosalie and Emmett, while Carlisle and I could attend to Bella. Alice

hoped that Jasper could calm them enough to allow her to reason with Rosalie. But she kept seeing images of the

four of them struggling with each other. I cringed away from the visions of my siblings fighting. This would be the

worst thing that had ever happened to my family. There would be scars, more emotional than physical, that would

take a long time to heal.

But right now, the focus had to be saving Bella. I saw Jasper move his eyes to Emmett, and he took an

imperceptible step backwards. Jasper's thoughts were cool and unemotional now, his battle-trained brain thinking

only of strategy. Emmett stiffened, sensing Jasper's movement. He lifted his eyes from Rosalie to Jasper, making



his own small, defensive move. Rosalie's glare darkened and she gripped her hands together, strengthening her

hold on Bella. Alice's chair shifted slightly. Be very careful of Bella, she warned me.

I didn't even dare look at Carlisle and Esme as I tensed for the fight. Edward…Carlisle called in my head. She will

probably hate you for this. She may never forgive you. I shook my head. I didn't care. That was a small price to

pay for Bella's safety. She would be alive, and I would take that punishment a thousand times over if I had to. To

allow this to continue was a death sentence for Bella, one imposed by me.

Suddenly, Jasper let go of the tenuous hold he had been keeping over the mood of the room, and the true weight

of all our emotions came crashing back. Those tensing for battle were filled with anxiety and rage. Carlisle's mind

was crippled with pain as he struggled with his decision to see the procedure through, although he did not waver

from his resolve that ending the pregnancy was the only way to save Bella.

But Esme – I heard her suck in a sharp breath. And in that moment Alice's visions of the fight disappeared

completely. The future shifted. A vision appeared of my face, drawn and tortured, burning from the inside. I stared

back at myself, knowing what would be the only thing to put that kind of pain on my face. I gripped the chair in

front of me, my face contorting with anguish, as I realized that whatever decision Esme had made, it changed

everything. I searched, and found her mind was filled with…with love. And compassion. She spoke her thoughts as

they materialized in her mind.

"She loves him," Esme breathed. "I see now, she loves this baby."

"I do." Bella's small voice came from across the room. Her sorrowful eyes stayed on my wretched face. Could she

see me dying inside?

Esme stood up, and placed her hand on Carlisle's arm. He glanced up at her, confusion and worry on his face. "You

can't do this, Carlisle. You can't take away this baby. Bella wants him. She loves him. It's her choice." And she

moved across the room and put her hand on Bella's shoulder. Bella glanced up at Esme, her eyes full of thanks.

Carlisle sighed and put his face in his hands. He didn't agree, but he wouldn't go against Esme. Carlisle was the

leader of this family. But in decisions that involved love, Esme shone brightest, and Carlisle would follow. We had

lost him.

Alice, Jasper and I remained resolved, but I knew it was over. I tried to strategize new attacks, looking for visions

from Alice. But none came. Because we all knew we would not make a decision that would lead to a physical

altercation that might involve Esme. And now that she stood with Bella, it seemed she was ready to protect her.

And the thing inside her. A wave of utter sadness washed through me at this thought. Bella needed to be protected

from me. How had it come to this?

Carlisle's thoughts floated to me. Try and talk to her again, Edward, he thought. At least try. I moved slowly

around the table towards Bella. Emmett moved protectively in front of her and Rosalie, but I held my hands up

submissively.

"I just want to talk to her," I said.

"You can talk to her just fine from over there," snapped Rosalie. I ignored her and kept moving forward. Emmett

looked into my eyes, and I pleaded silently with him. He moved aside and Rosalie let out a disgusted sigh.

"You don't have to talk to him, Bella, if you don't want to," she said in a low voice. I kept my eyes on Bella,

uncertain if I could look at Rosalie without betraying my murderous hate. And if Emmett saw that, he would move

again to protect her.

Bella glanced, shocked, at Rosalie.

"No, Rosalie, of course I want to talk to him." She glanced back at me, eyes full of love, and I sensed the slightest

chance of victory. But then she said, "but please don't let me go, Rose," and that small spark died away. I could

almost envision the smug look on Rose's face, but I pushed it away, desperate for this moment with Bella.

I knelt beside her and held out my hand. She pulled hers out from Rosalie's tight grasp and took it. I caressed her

warm, soft skin with my fingers, and then wrapped my hand around hers.



"Can't we speak alone, love? Just for a moment." I looked deep into her warm, brown eyes, my voice soft. God,

she was so beautiful . Surely she could see how scared I was for her. How much I loved and needed her. She

wavered, and an image from Alice flashed of Bella and I alone, upstairs, and then blurred out quickly.

But then she glanced down and said, "no, Edward, not right now. I'm so sorry." A sob caught in her throat at her

last words. I pressed on, not giving up.

"Don't do this, Bella," I begged. "It's too dangerous."

She lifted her hand to my face and caressed my cheek. Her touch burned, it was almost torture.

"I love you, Edward," she said softly, her eyes calm. "And now, I love him too. He is yours and mine. Part of us. I

want him." A little smile formed on her face. I closed my eyes to block it out. She was delusional. This was a

fantasy.

"Bella, it will kill you." My voice was rough now. I opened my eyes and looked at her lovely face. "Don't take

yourself away from me. I can't live without you. There is no me, I doesn't exist, without you." She knew too well

that if she died, I would die as well. The ties that bound us were unbreakable, even in death. I would follow her,

always, anywhere.

Bella's expression grew intense, her molten chocolate eyes boring into mine.

"Edward," she said, her voice suddenly fierce. "I know this is right. Deep inside, I know this is not a mistake, it was

meant to be." I stared back at her, and just shook my head mutely, unable to find the words to express how I felt

deep inside, in my core. I did not feel the same.

Bella's face softened. She moved her hand back down to squeeze mine, her delicate fingers brushing against my

skin like feathers.

"I'm not going to die," she said softly. "Carl isle will do everything he can, but if it's not enough…" She paused as

my insides twisted painfully. "I'll keep my heart beating. I can do that, and you will save me."

"Save you," I choked out. "How?" But then I saw. Saw her plan. This thing would kill her from the inside, and then

I would kill her from the outside. She would let it destroy her, and hope that venom, my venom, could save her.

But it was a dream. A dream within the nightmare. I looked at her fragile body, not built to withstand this world of monsters and demons I had brought her into. I wouldn't be able to save her.

I couldn't speak any more. I knew all the arguments I would make, and I knew they wouldn't work. I lowered my

head. Esme put a hand on my shoulder. The rest of my family stood frozen around us, except for Rosalie, who

shifted impatiently.

"Don't you want him, too… at all?" Bella asked quietly, her voice breaking. I didn't look up. I didn't want her to see

the emotions on my face. No, I thought. Never. It will kill you. But I said nothing. I knew now that these words

would hurt her even more, and I just couldn't do that right now. I felt lost inside. The future loomed before me,

monstrous and unknown.

"All right," snapped Rosalie. "That's enough. Decision made. Bella is tired and probably hungry." She stood Bella up

and wrapped an arm around her, moving her into the living room. They sat on the couch together. I watched them

go, and then dragged myself slowly over and stood by the couch. I could do nothing but stare down at Bella.

"I'll get you something to eat, dear," said Esme.

"Thank you, Esme," said Bella. "Eggs please." She smiled tentatively up at me. I couldn't move my face to

respond. She shivered at my expression, and Rosalie, misinterpreting, snapped at Emmett.

"Go get Bella a blanket."



"Oh, thank you, Rosalie. Thank you for everything," Bella said, looking up into Rose's face. Rose smiled down at

her and touched her cheek. Rage and hatred boiled inside me.

"Don't you worry," she crooned at Bella. Then I saw her eyes slip down to Bella's stomach, and I knew what she

was really talking to. "I'll take care of you."

I could hear Carlisle's thoughts upstairs in his office. Lists of equipment he would need. How to get an ultrasound

machine. Wanting to buy more blood. Thinking about what we knew. The thing would tear its way out of the womb,killing the mother. Killing the mother. Morte. Dead. I glanced up and saw my reflection in the glass wall. My face

was the face from Alice's vision. I was burning.

Chapter 3—Lullaby

I thought the moments had passed slowly on the long flight home. I was wrong. If time had gone slow then, it

turned to a merciless crawl now, each passing second eating away a little part of me. And yet, suddenly, the day

was gone. Time, slowly slipping away from us, and I had wasted it.

I watched as my family moved around Bella, taking care of her. I knew I was being useless. But I couldn't seem to

move, despair had me pinned. Bella didn't eat much dinner. Esme made her three kinds of eggs, but she onlypicked at them, while apologizing profusely to Esme for her lack of appetite. She barely drank as well, and this

caused Carlisle to frown and worry. I stood by the couch, watching her. Useless. Selfish.

I struggled to smooth my face, to erase the image of myself I had seen earlier. I knew it would scare Bella. It

scared me. But every time Bella looked at me, I knew the shadow of it was still there. I could see it reflected in her

eyes, see it in the way her face stiffened and paled. We didn't speak. I didn't dare. So instead I watched. I shut out

the thoughts of my family; I couldn't bear to hear them anymore.

Eventually Bella yawned and her eyelids drooped. Someone had placed a pillow, next to her, on the couch and she

lay down on it. Rosalie arranged the blanket on her, and the sat down at the end of the couch with Bella's feet in

her lap.

"Edward," Bella breathed. I stared. A moment passed.

"Help me sleep, Edward," she continued in a small voice. I knew I was being awful. I should kneel down, gather

her in my arms, and sing her to sleep with her lullaby. But I couldn't do it. Fear gripped me, held me too tightly, a

vice at my throat. I was afraid if I touched her, loved her like that, the emotions burning inside me would burst

out, making us both victims of the fear, self-loathing, and despair I felt. So I remained frozen, and watched as her

face slowly started to fall. With horror I saw a glisten of tears start to form in her eyes.

It turned out that I could hate myself more. Do something, dammit.

"I'll play you to sleep," I whispered. My voice didn't sound like my own. It echoed strangely in my ears. She smiled

a little at this, and settled into the pillow.

I went over to the piano and sat down. The room was growing dark as evening fell. Never taking my eyes off Bella,

I began to play the lullaby I had written for her so many lives ago. The notes rang through the house, gliding up

and down the keyboard, as my love's eyelids began to fall and then close. I watched as her features softened andrelaxed, falling into the elusive peace of human sleep. She looked so beautiful.

In my distraction the walls I had been holding to the other's thoughts slipped, and I was suddenly hit fu ll force with

my family's combined memories brought on by the song I was playing. Their memories of when I had first met and

fallen in love with Bella. When I had sat at this piano, and composed this lullaby.

I stopped, my hands frozen over the keys, paralyzed by the pain brought on by this onslaught. I tried to block it

out but now my own memories were coming. Bella, asleep in her bed, pale face glowing slightly in the



moonlight. Edward, I love you. Sitting beside me as I played this melody for her the first time, crystal tears shining

on her pale cheeks….

My head fell into my hands. Make it stop, I thought. I felt a movement next to me. It was Alice, sitting silently on

the piano bench. She moved closer and laid her head on my shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, Edward," she sighed.

I turned and pressed my face into her soft, black hair. She had her own scent, like warm citrus, and it helped to

calm me.

"I know this terrifies you. The unknown. I'm scared, too," she said softly. "I'm sorry, Edward, for you. For Bella."

Her voice broke on the last word. Pain twisted in my chest. I turned my head, keeping my cheek against her head.

"We were just so happy," I choked out. "Everything was perfect. She wanted to stay human with me, for a little

while longer…"

My desperate words shook Alice, caused her to lose focus. Suddenly, her mind filled images she had been hiding

from me. Memories of her visions. Bella and I, sitting on a grassy campus, the leaves in the trees surrounding us a

wild mixture of red, yellow, orange. Brick buildings in the background. Bella and I in a college classroom, hands

held tight under the desk. Charlie's house, a half-decorated Christmas tree, Bella laughing, blushing, human…

"Oh," Alice gasped, vainly trying to fill her head with thoughts of Jasper. It was too late. I sucked in my breath and

pulled sharply away from her. Icy realization stabbed at me. These were images she must have seen when Bella

and I were away on Isle Esme. When we had talked about Dartmouth. When we had talked about more time.

"Were the vision's clear?" I whispered fiercely, looking at Bella.

Yes, crystal clear.

"And now?" I forced the words out through gritted teeth.

Alice moaned softly. Gone. All gone. Her future is all but gone to me. Alice's head fell and she seemed to crumple

into herself. Jasper appeared behind her, wrapping her body in his long arms.

I wrenched myself off the bench and away from them. I went over and stood by the couch, looking at Bella's face.

I had destroyed that future. Her future. My monstrous nature, my very existence, had ripped it away from her,

before it even had a chance. I didn't know why this hurt so much, I should be used to it by now. I had been

destroying her future since the day I laid my eyes on her. But just that it had been so close, within our grasp, what

she wanted, what I wanted to give her.

The shimmering, happy future of Alice's visions, so real, so cruelly extinguished, began to rip me apart. I wrapped

my arms around myself. My mind dredged up a memory, from Jacob's mind, of how Bella used to wrap her arms

around herself to keep the pieces together when I had left her. That's what I did now. Somewhere, Fate laughed

darkly. I squeezed harder, and felt myself pulling in short breaths through my clenched teeth. I was sinking,

spiraling into uncontrollable despair.

Suddenly, the feeling of overwhelming bliss rocked me. Waves of serenity washed over me, relaxing my muscles as

my arms fell to my side. Momentarily, I floated, at peace. Then I shook my head sharply, and realized Jasper wasstanding beside me, his fingers lightly touching my arm. I shook him off roughly.

"Shove off, Jasper," I muttered.

Get a grip on yourself, man, he thought. Jasper was becoming overwhelmed by my emotions. He wanted to leave

the house, to get away from me, but Alice wanted him to stay. He continued to send the waves of calm at me,

although they were less potent without his touch



Bella needs you, he chided me. Then disappeared. The feeling of calm left swiftly with him as the pain roared back

in. But I was in better control now, and he was right. I was turning this into something about me, when it was all

about Bella. I clenched my fists in frustration at myself. I looked down at Bella's sleeping form, and thought I

ought to carry her up to the bed. I leaned over to pick her up and bring her upstairs.

My arms were knocked away as Rosalie pushed herself between Bella and me. She hissed.

"Get out of the way, Rose," I snarled, and shoved her aside. She stumbled and then sprang back, growling.Emmett materialized on the other side of the couch, and I felt Jasper back at my shoulder. The four of us stared at

each other for a long moment. I felt my earlier rage at Rosalie returning, growing. Jasper sensed it, and became

concerned. He still had my back but didn't want this to turn into anything. He struggled to spread calm over the

group.

"I just want to take her upstairs to bed," I growled at Rosalie. She sighed, and looked down at Bella with

something, like tenderness, in her eyes. I narrowed my eyes, unconvinced. I could not find that sentiment in her

mind.

"Fine," she murmured. Then she looked back up and her expression hardened. "But I'm coming with you."

"Oh, honestly, Rosalie. Do you really think I'm going to do anything now?" I snapped. But would I? My eyes

flickered to Bella, and I wondered if, given the chance, I would still try to change things against her will, knowing

how she felt. I honestly didn't know. I looked back at Rosalie and could see in her mind that she didn't trust me atall.

"I'm staying with her," Rosalie said firmly. I growled. She was not spending the night with Bella and me in my

room. No, not just mine, it was Bella's room as well now. Our room. Our bed. Fury and despair coursed through

me.

Hard fingers clenched onto my arm and the calm relaxed me again. Stop it, Edward. Jasper was frustrated. He

didn't want to be here, feeling my despair, helping me control my volatile emotions. He wanted to be with Alice,

she was in pain. I fought the urge to scream at him. Scream at them all. How the hell did they expect me to feel

about this?

But, instead, I let him fill me with peace, embracing the calm this time. Slowly it morphed into something like

resigned defeat. Bella was sleeping soundly on the couch; I would let her be. I sunk down to my knees next to her.

Rosalie shrugged and sat back down. The others lingered briefly, but then disappeared as Carlisle knelt down nextto me.

How fast do you think it is growing, Edward? Have you noticed any changes, any growth, since you left the island?

I glanced down at Bella's stomach. I was embarrassed to admit I had completely avoided looking at, or touching,

that part of her since we had found out. Some husband. I hadn't wanted to even acknowledge it. Now I reached

over and touched her stomach gently. I could feel the small bulge that hadn't been there before. I snatched my

hand away as if I had been burnt.

"I don't know," I sighed quietly. Rosalie eyed us suspiciously, wondering what we were talking about.

Well, I will examine her tomorrow. Take some measurements, so we can start to judge its growth. It's obviously

accelerated, but maybe not that much. We will have some time to try to figure things out. His eyes flickered over

to Rosalie.

Carlisle then stood, patted me on the shoulder, and left, his thoughts still tangled up in possible outcomes. I looked

again at Bella's stomach. Really, how fast could it grow? Time, we needed time. Looking at Bella's fragile body, I

wanted to gather her into my arms, never let her go, protect her. But could I protect her this time? My

helplessness terrified me.

Sitting so close to Rosalie, it was hard to block out her thoughts. Now that she had gotten her way, the angry,

defensive walls were down. She viewed the pregnancy with an excitement that bordered on frenzied. In her darker

moments, when her long buried mothering instincts screamed for release, Rosalie had explored all available



information on human pregnancy. As if that knowledge could somehow erase the fact that she was a cold,

unchanging monster. Now her mind flickered with the thousands of images of babies she had memorized during

her immortal existence. Nausea, exhaustion – she listed in her head with satisfaction the normal early signs of

pregnancy that Bella had shown. Rosalie was determined not to let Carlisle and I contort the pregnancy into

something ugly.

But she also could not hide the fear that crept around the corners of her mind. Even as deluded and self-centered

as Rosalie was, she could not deny seeing the inherent danger of the situation, to both Bella and the thing inside of her. Still, at least in the forefront of her mind, she had herself convinced that Bella would survive. I could but only

guess at what lurked in the deeper parts of her consciousness, where I couldn't see.

She glanced down at Bella, and, in a twisted way, realized she understood how I was feeling. She knew what she

would be capable of doing to protect Emmett, if it was his life that was in danger. But this thought only served to

remind her what she was up against. She was concerned about my ability to influence Bella, and didn't trust that I

still wouldn't try to use my persuasive power to sway her. She wondered how to undermine Bella's trust in me, and

wedge herself between us.

My sudden fury at these thoughts caught me off guard, and I gasped in an unintentional quick breath. Rosalie eyes

shot to mine, and her expression darkened. I realized I had unknowingly been leaning towards hers, my fists

clenched. She was abruptly furious, at herself for leaving her thoughts unguarded, and toward me for pulling them

from her head. Her eyes narrowed and she stared straight forward again, cutting off all thoughts of the present,

recalling instead a human baby, one I had seen countless times in her mind before. A brown haired baby, who she

dreamed of holding in her arms. The memories were human, weak, and it was easy to shut them out, which I did. Idid not want to see her dreams, when she had a hand in destroying mine.

I blocked out all thoughts I looked at Bella, filling my mind only with her, and let her beating heart and gentle

breaths calm me. Her face was very still, its beauty radiating out to hold me, and draw me closer. I leaned over

slowly, and with the slightest pressure, touched my lips to hers. Her warmth, magnified a thousand times where

our skin touched, spread through me. Then I leaned back onto my knees. Let her sleep now. I became perfectly

still, and so, the first night passed.

Eventually, light began to filter back into the room. Bella had slept soundly, as she had on the island. Now she

moved restlessly in her sleep, and made a small noise. I unfroze, and for the first time all night my eyes left her

face. I trailed my eyes over down her body and stopped when they rested on her stomach. Something about the

way the blanket lay against her caught me. Slowly, I moved my arm and pulled back the blanket. Rosalie unfroze,

watching me with wary eyes. I looked carefully, and then Fear had me in her steely grip again.

"Carlisle," I whispered roughly. He appeared immediately, followed by the others, who had heard the panic in my

voice. I stood up.

"Her stomach," I breathed. I sucked in air sharply. "It's grown. It's bigger." Everyone turned to study Bella's

sleeping form. The bulge was shockingly larger than last night. At least three times bigger. Then, as we all

watched, Bella's stomach moved . Almost imperceptibly, but we saw it. Seven statues took a step back in shock. A

multitude of thoughts collided with me, the emotions different but the realizations the same. Growing. Alive.

Growing fast.Too fast. It moved again, and Bella winced in her sleep. A chorus of breaths sucked in. A long

moment of silence. Then, Bella opened her eyes, and looked up in surprise. Seven pairs of dark golden eyes,

emotions ranging from excitement, to concern, to horror, looked back.

Chapter 4 —Confession

The morning light brought no hope with it. Things were progressing fast, whether we wanted them to or not, rightin front of our eyes. Everything felt shadowed by an oppressive cloud of uncertainty, fear and dread.

Esme cooked eggs for breakfast, which Bella pushed around her plate with an unhappy look on her face. I could tell

she had no interest in eating. Now I sat watching Rosalie run her cold, white hand carefully over Bella's stomach,as Bella smiled at her, and I fought back the urge to scream.



Son, can I talk to you alone for a minute? Carlisle was standing at the bottom of the stairs, looking at me solemnly.

I pressed my hand gently to Bella's cheek and then followed Carlisle out to the dining room. He faced me, hisexpression thoughtful.

I want to speak to Bella about her symptoms, try to pinpoint the exact point of conception, if possible. I don't want to make Bella uncomfortable, though. I am her doctor, but also her father-in-law. He smiled slightly as this. You

and I have never had a chance to talk about how things…went on the honeymoon.

"Didn't Alice tell you what happened?" I muttered quietly. I felt unexpectedly uncomfortable.

"Alice told us only that things, were, well, successful the first night." I grimaced. Leave it to Alice to consider thatnight a success. Since I hadn't broken any bones or outright killed Bella, apparently congratulations were in order.

When did you first have intercourse with her, Edward? Carlisle was struggling to remain respectful, to not overstepany lines, but he felt he needed to know everything he could to help us.

"The first night," I said quietly. With these words, the emotions hit hard. The guilt and pain from that night came

rushing up through me, reminding me that I had hurt her, the one I loved. The memories viciously clawed at me. Ibraced myself against the shame, against the confession I needed to make.

"Carlisle." My whisper was rough, barely audible. "I hurt her."

Carlisle drew in a sharp breath, and his eyes flickered uneasily towards the living room where Bella was, and then

back at me. But Alice told us she was Ok?

"The injuries were bruises. They…healed." It was agony to admit, to remember. Carlisle nodded slightly, his eyes

still tense.

And then, the words poured out of me. It was actually a relief to release them. "Carlisle, I tried so hard to becareful, but, but I…I never expected it to be like that. I guess I lost control. I was overcome, it was just so much."

I lowered my head and closed my eyes, remembering. Bella's flushed face, the feel of her body beneath mine.

Knowing it was too dangerous this way, yet unable, unwilling, to stop. My hand clutching her, drawing her closer.She was everywhere, everything, and I never wanted it to end. Then my control slipping, the venom pooling in my

mouth…the feathers. I shuddered.

Carlisle sighed, his thoughts sympathetic. Son, I know you tried your best, under what were extremely difficult

circumstances. There was no long-term harm done.

I just shook my head, keeping my eyes down. He couldn't be more wrong about that.

"Well,"mused Carlisle. At least, if you only made love that one time, it makes it very easy to determine the date of conception.

I froze at his thoughts. Biting remorse and shame washed through me, ice cold. I very slowly raised my eyes to

meet Carlisle's. He had a quizzical look on his face, but as he took in my expression, his face froze, his eyeswidening slightly.

"You tried again with her?" he whispered. His face was aghast. "Even given her injuries the first time?"

My shame at his horrified expression was staggering. How I wished I could be the person he saw, someone whowould never take actions that would endanger Bella's safety. How immensely he underestimated my weakness, my

selfishness.

And yet, how to explain to him the need that second time? Hers and mine. All those days, tortured by a desire thatnever waned, never abated. And then, unexpectedly, the feel of her hot skin pressing against mine, her desperate

hands clutching me. Her pleading voice giving me the terrible permission my body sought. The stunningintoxication of finally giving in. There was no way to explain it.



"She wanted to," I whispered. As if that excused my behavior . It was hard to speak through the tightening in my

throat. "I didn't hurt her again."

Carlisle's expression relaxed slightly. He reached out and touched my arm. I'm sorry, Edward, it really isn't any of

my business. I shrugged miserably.

Carlisle stood up. "Well, I'm going to go and talk to Bella, see if I can get a better handle on when her symptoms

started."

I grabbed his arm. "Carlisle." My mouth formed the words, making no sound. I did not want to be heard. "What are

we going to do?"

Carlisle sighed, pain tight in his eyes. I don't know yet, Edward. I need to examine her first, to better understand

what we are dealing with. But for now, we can to keep her safe and comfortable. He gazed at me for a secondmore, and then left the room, anxious to talk to Bella and determine the point of conception.

I didn't watch him go. I knew that Carlisle wanted to do his job, to be thorough, and I would let him. But I had no

doubt when the date of conception was. I was sure it was our first night on the island. This seemed cruelly fittingto me. I remembered, in acute detail, the agonized horror of the moment I realized that I had hurt Bella, that I had

let my own pleasure mark her precious skin. The overwhelming disgust in myself as I watched the bruises darkenand spread in the light of the coming dawn, as I spiraled down into what I thought was one of my lowest moments.

It was a bitter irony to discover that I had only known, then, a faint shadow of the devastation my selfishness hadwrought on her that night.

I rose slowly and walked into the living room. Emmett and Rosalie were standing behind the couch together, their

eyes trained on me. They had been listening to my conversation with Carlisle with great interest, although theirreactions to it were completely different. Rosalie was feeling a little smug, having always thought I would not be

able to give Bella what she wanted without hurting her.

Emmett, of course, was enjoying what he considered to be my subsequent successes. Way to go, man. Finally! Isnorted quietly.

Carlisle was sitting with Bella, explaining that he wanted to try to pinpoint the date of conception as accurately aspossible.

"Normally, I would use the date of your last menstrual cycle, but with such a compressed time frame, and suchaccelerated growth, I'd like to try to be particularly specific. Try to go back and think about when the symptomsbegan."

"Well," said Bella, "The vomiting didn't begin until …the night Edward was away hunting." She glanced at me. "But

then, before that, there were the, uh, intense dreams, the crying." She glanced again at me, blushing deeply overher face and down her neck.

I watched her carefully. "But Bella, remember, even the first morning, you were so hungry." I held her eyes as she

nodded. Shock registered immediately in Carlisle's thoughts. The first morning. So first night was point of conception. The symptoms started so fast. That's extremely fast. I glanced quickly at him, but he didn't meet my

eyes.

"OK, then." Carlisle patted Bella's leg and stood up. "If you are ready, Bella, let's go upstairs to my office. I would

like to examine you and take some measurements, so we can track growth."

Rosalie whipped around the couch, standing directly in front of Bella.

"Absolutely not," she stated firmly. Carlisle looked at her in disbelief.

"Rosalie, I have an exam table up there. And appropriate lighting."

"No way," she said in an angry, cutting voice. "I know what you set that room up for, Carlisle. I was here. I know

what you and Edward plan to do in there. There is no way Bella is setting one foot inside that room. Not today."



I took a step toward Rosalie, as Carlisle placed a hand on my chest. I glanced at Bella, but she was just watching

me. I was confused and frustrated that Bella would let Rosalie speak for her. She was usually so stubborn, this wasexactly the kind of thing that would usually set her off. But she just watched, silent.

"This is ridiculous, Rosalie," Carlisle said, but I could already hear the assent in his voice. I wanted to dosomething, but I felt trapped, Bella's eyes fixed on me.

I stood, watching, as Carlisle did his exam with Bella lying on the couch. He pushed up her shirt carefully, exposingher stomach. Where it was f lat only a few days ago, Bella's stomach was now raised out several inches. I wasinfuriated to see how the thing had already contorted her body under her soft skin. Carlisle's sure hands ran over

her skin, feeling gently. So hard, so unyielding, he thought. What is it encased in? It would be difficult toremove.He glanced quickly at me. But not impossible, I think. Not yet.

How long did we have to convince Bella to change her mind, before it was too late?

Carlisle sighed, frustrated by his lack of information. He took out his tape measure and measured her stomachcarefully. He told Bella he planned to try to measure her every few hours, to get an idea of the growth.

After the exam, Bella wanted to take a shower. I sat in the hallway, leaning against the wall while Rosalie prowled

outside the bathroom door, where she had promised Bella she would stay. Rosalie acted like Carlisle or I weregoing to crawl through the bathroom vents to snatch Bella.

Edward . I searched my mind out. Jasper. I could see, through his eyes, where he was – in the woods, past the

invisible line where vampire ears in the house could no longer hear. It was a place we all knew well. He wanted totalk to me, privately. His thoughts told me nothing else, except that he was unhappy about Bella. I glanced at the

bathroom – Bella would not be done showering and dressing for at least 15 minutes.

I left the house silently, running through the woods. The path I was on seemed particularly concentrated with myfamily's scent, as if they had all passed this way numerous times. The realization came quickly, and the pain

slammed into me, hard. This was the way to the house my family had been working on for Bella and I. I lost astep, then another, and then stumbled to a stop, bent over, clutching at a tree. The image of the little cottage had

lingered, in a melancholy way, in my family's thoughts since we returned. I had pushed it aside before, but now itswelled up, inescapable, yet another symbol of all that might be lost. How had everything gone so horribly wrong,

so fast?

"Edward." It was Jasper. "Are you OK?"

How could I be, I thought. I straightened up quickly. "It's nothing. What's up, Jasper."

He was standing across the small clearing from me, leaning against a tree, his arms folded over his chest. His

expression was cool.

"So, what are you going to do, Edward?" he asked quietly. He was thinking about Bella.

"What do you mean, Jasper?" I muttered.

His hands fell to his sides, and he took a step forward. "Are you just giving up? Are you going to let that thing grow

inside her? Are you just going to let her die?" The last words came out harshly.

I hissed, shocked by his intensity.

"Jesus Christ, Jasper. What the hell do you think? But what am I supposed to do? If I could even get Bella to

change her mind, I can't get through Rosalie, not with Emmett and Esme backing her up."

Jasper's eyes narrowed slightly. "No one would stand in my way if it was Alice's life in danger," he said in a lowvoice. Jasper was certain what his course would be, if he stood in my shoes. He would do anything for Alice.

Jasper's inference made me angry. I would do anything for Bella, too. Nothing meant more. But couldn't he grasp

how complicated the situation was?



"I am not giving up," I snarled in a fierce voice. "I will save her. There has to be a way."

Jasper strode across the clearing, putting his hands on my shoulders. His eyes blazed, dark golden brown ringssurrounding a center of black.

"We can do this right now, Edward." His voice was low, persuasive. "We can go back and grab her, it would be

easy. I bet we could slip in and out. And then we can figure things out from there. Don't let Rosalie stand between

you and Bella, it's not right."

We stared at each other. I could feel him funneling his rash excitement into me. I wavered. There was something

so recklessly liberating about the idea of getting Bella alone, getting her away from Rosalie, and the interferingeyes of my family.

Suddenly, the sounds of a fast approach. An angry whisper. "Stay where you are."

Alice. She flew into the clearing and separated us with her small hands. I felt the excitement drain out of me.

"Stop," she said. Her mind flashed with the different visions she had seen – Jasper alone, lurking through thehouse, Jasper and I together, scaling the walls. A blurry flash of Bella, crying in the woods. My heart ached

painfully.

"Bella wouldn't want that, Jasper," I whispered. Plus it would terrify her. I had been prepared to do it, yesterday.

But I hesitated now. I didn't know what the right path was anymore. "I can't."

Jasper's face was hard, but after a moment, he nodded. I just want to help, Edward, whatever way you want. I just hope we can do something, before it gets too bad.

"I won't let her die," I growled, more to myself than him. I turned and took off into the forest, flying through the

trees, flying back to her. As I approached the house I could see Bella standing outside, scanning the trees with hereyes. Looking for me. I jumped the river too fast for her eyes to see, and then walked more slowly up towards her.

Her smile was radiant. "Edward," she breathed. I felt the overpowering sense of relief I always did, seeing her

again with my eyes after any sort of separation. I put my hand against her neck, pulse beating beneath my skin,and leaned over to trail my lips across the exquisite velvet of her cheek, pausing at her lips.

"I'm sorry I left," I murmured, and then pressed my lips, brief ly, to hers. "I love you."

"I love you, too," she said. Those words were always a miracle to me.

I took her hand and we walked to the water's edge. Rosalie trailed behind, forever suspicious. Perhaps rightfully sothis time. But how could Bella and I really talk with her here? The silence felt heavy between us. I thought about

her silence during the exam. She didn't want to argue with Carlisle. But I knew, instinctively, that she also did notwant to hurt me. She was always this way, avoiding the words she should say for fear they would pain me.

Standing next to her now, feeling her warmth, her scent, her hand in mine, my words to Jasper felt hollow. I had

no idea what I was going to do. Stay with me, Bella. Don't go. Don't ever leave me. Save yourself for me. But Ihad already said those words, and they weren't enough. I tried to think, to form the perfect words that would

change her mind, this time.

Bella stopped then, as if sensing my anguish, and turned to me, placing a hand on my face. "It's going to be OK,

Edward," she said in a soft voice. No, it's not! My mind screamed.

"Oh," Bella suddenly exclaimed. I watched her expression in alarm. But she looked down at her stomach, a smileon her face. She moved her hand towards her stomach, automatically pulling mine with hers, and pressed it

against the slight bulge. Then, I felt it move inside her.

My reaction was instantaneous, unthinking. I ripped my hand out of hers, jerking it swiftly away from her body, asa low hiss escaped my lips. And then I froze, horrified by my grossly insensitive actions.



Bella lifted her face slowly up to mine. The shock and hurt painted across her expression took my breath away. I

took an involuntary step backwards under the weight of it. Her empty hand flexed slightly, still lying across herstomach.

"I'm sorry, Bella," I whispered. Her liquid eyes held mine as the pain, slowly, began to drain out of her features,replaced by exhaustion.

Over her shoulder, Rosalie glared at me. Some father, she thought.

I flinched at her thoughts.

"I'm tired," Bella said. "I want to go inside." She started towards the house, her arms wrapped around herself.Rosalie put her arm around her shoulders.

I watched her as she walked across the yard, each step taking her farther away from me, creating a chasm

between us filled with unsaid words, pain and doubt.

As she disappeared in the house, I hurried after. I couldn't bear for her to go.

Bella laid down on the couch, staring off for a while, as I stood against the wall, watching her. Eventually her eyes

gently closed, resting, but not quite asleep. So exhausted . I walked slowly over to her. I looked down at her, eyesclosed, peaceful. Her face was so young, too young. My throat felt tight, as an ache grew in my chest. I knew I

shouldn't touch her, shouldn't risk waking her, but I allowed my hand to stroke her soft hair, one time. Her eyes

opened, clear and deep, and held mine, as she reached out and took my hand. She was my whole world.

Upstairs, Emmett and Carlisle were doing research online, looking first into the Ticuna Indian stories of

the Libishomen. Information was scarce, but they had found one legend about a village visited by a demon thathad left several women dead, their torsos mangled, their bodies drained of blood. The women were referred to as

"The Mothers".

As I looked into Bella's eyes and listened to the tales of death upstairs, one thought revolved in my mind. What amI going to do? I remembered when we had first met, how hard I had tried to stay away, to save Bella from the

danger I posed. Your number was up the first time I met you, I had told her. And, it seemed, then and now, Fatewould not be undone. I had fought back death when it came at her, time and time again, but, even though I tried,

I had failed to protect her from the greatest danger – myself. Because, ultimately, Bella had never wanted to be

saved from me. Now, again, my presence in her life had pushed her onto the precipice of death.

How was I going to save her? When, once again, she didn't want to be saved.

Chapter 5—Motherhood

As we waited, helpless, to see what time would bring, we did what we could for Bella. Her comfort and happinessbecame the driving force in my family's existence. Bella was our center now, as we orbited around her.

On the third morning, Bella woke up hungry.

"I'm starving," she said as she stretched. Around the house, everyone stopped and listened. Feeding Bella hadbecome a full time Cullen occupation over the last several days. She was barely eating, and nothing seemed to

appeal to her. Carlisle was increasingly worried about her nutrition and strength. So if Bella showed any interest ineating, or requested a particular item, the Cullen family sparked into action. Hours had been spent shopping for

groceries, pouring over the computer for recipes, cooking in the kitchen. Pancakes, french toast, pasta, soup,anything she could suggest, or we could think, of had been tried. Most of it ended up in the trash. Mostly she ate

eggs. Or nothing at all.



Bella was, of course, horrified by this attention. She hated that everyone seemed to be going out of the way for

her. She constantly begged us not to worry, not to go to so much trouble. But of course we did. What else couldwe do?

Bella stood up. She was still sleeping on the couch. Bella claimed she was more comfortable there, and I didn'targue. I think neither of us wanted to share the room upstairs with Rosalie.

"You know what sounds good?" An anticipatory silence fell over the house.

"What, love?" I asked gently, brushing her soft brown hair back off her face.

"A banana smoothie," she announced.

I stared blankly at her. My eyes flicked to Rosalie, who was wearing the same blank expression. I smoothed myfeatures into what I hoped was a knowing look.

"Of course, I'm sure we have the ingredients for that," I said briskly. I forced myself to smile at her and moved

into the kitchen.

Alice, Esme and Emmett were already in there, looking perplexed. Jasper was at the computer.

"What the hell is a banana smoothie?" Emmett muttered in low voice.

"I have no idea," I whispered.

"Got it!" Jasper whispered as he entered the kitchen. Alice grabbed the recipe and scanned it. She was wearing the

pinched, pained expression that was a permanent fixture on her face these days.

"Hmm," she murmured. "We have these ingredients, but I don't know about a blender." She looked around the

kitchen. Cabinets started to silently open and close as we searched. Apparently the well-stocked Cullen kitchen didnot contain a blender. When it was clear we weren't going to find it, we all paused and looked at Emmett. He

looked back darkly for a moment, then sighed, grabbed his keys, and stomped out to the garage.

Emmett had become the family gopher, the only one to leave the house in the last few days. Rosalie and I refused

to leave Bella's side, and Esme couldn't drag herself away, fearing she might miss the chance to help Bella in someway. Carlisle didn't dare leave right now. And Alice was not well enough to go, and Jasper would not leave her. So,Emmett earned the job. He went back and forth to the grocery store at least once daily. And it was not just food

that needed to be purchased. Second only to feeding Bella, entertaining Bella was the next priority. Emmett hadmade numerous trips to the movie store and various bookstores. We provided detailed lists of things we thought

Bella might enjoy.

"There are thousands of books and movies in this house," he had groaned after making his third trip out in 2 days."How can there be more to buy?" But he went, grudgingly, because he loved Bella, as did the rest of us.

While Emmett went out for the blender, I went back to Bella. It hurt to be away from her, even for a few seconds.

She was standing by the glass wall, looking down at the river. Her stomach had grown impossibly fast over the lasttwo days, and I cringed in misery at the sight of it. Bella maintained that all was fine, but I had seen the faint

shadow of pain cross through her eyes, watched her body flinch slightly in the night. I knew she was growinguncomfortable, and the implications of this haunted me.

During the past couple of days it had felt as though I existed in some sort of altered state. For it could only be insome cruel, alternate reality that Bella would have a shadow of pain and death hanging over her, by my hand, and

I would stand aside, as if shackled, doing nothing to stop its approach. And that was what it felt like. Her growingstomach was the physical manifestation of this threat, and as it stretched and contorted her fragile frame, its rapid,

unrelenting growth mocked me, pulling the dark shadows closer.

I clenched my fists against a lash of guilt and anger, struggling to remain in control. I breathed in deeply,composing my face, and went over to her. I took her hands, pulling them up around my neck.



"Hi," I said, smiling down at her.

"Hey." Her answering smile was bright. I cradled her lovely face in my hands, trying to look past the fact that itwas too pale, too thin. I stroked her cheeks with my thumbs, watching the blush rise under my fingers. She

caressed my head, her small, warm hands carving paths through my hair. Her hands slid down my neck, under myshirt collar, to press, hot, against my skin. She pulled me towards her, and I leaned down, reacting to her touch.

The thousands of pounds of despair that constantly pressed in on me lifted slightly as her warm lips touched my icy

mouth. I breathed her in, intoxicatingly painful, and slid my hands down to her back, pulling her body close tomine. The bulge of her stomach pressed against me then, inescapable, and yet, somehow, wholly unexpected.

I involuntarily froze. Damn. I could not seem to control my reaction to this physical reminder of the nightmare. Itried to recover, but Bella realized what had happened. She stiffened and dropped her arms, pulling her mouth

slightly away from mine. Hurting her again. I kept my eyes closed, cursing myself, ashamed. I kept her pressedclose to me, and trailed kisses down her cheek to her neck, but her hands stayed at her sides. Her stomach, and

what was inside it, remained, like an iron wall, between us.

I pulled back and looked into her eyes. They were surprisingly unemotional. Maybe she was becoming accustomedto my callous behavior. I released her all except for one hand, which I brought up to my lips. I kissed the back, and

then her palm, and pressed it, soft and warm, to my cheek. Her eyes softened. Forgiven, yet again.

"Want to go for a walk with me later?" I asked her gently. Carlisle wanted us to encourage her to exercise, to keepher muscles fit. She smiled and nodded. I saw Rosalie glance at me through the side of her eyes, her mind already

suspicious.

"Please feel free to join us, Rosalie," I said darkly. You can bet on it, she thought. Rosalie had been out of control

the past couple days, hovering relentlessly around Bella, feeding the suspicion that Carlisle and I could not betrusted. She had only allowed Carlisle to do his cursory exams on the couch. Carlisle bore it with a patience I could

not, as I held my lips in a tight line, choking back the words I wanted to fling at Rosalie

We stood in silence for a while, Bella watching the river while I watched her. What could she be thinking right now?The distance remained, although we were together every moment. It felt like we floated, circling around each other

on the opposite sides of a sphere, so far apart on what was happening there was no way to come together.

I heard a car coming up the drive. Emmett. His thoughts were pleased – he had managed to find a blender at thestore in Forks. I squeezed Bella's hand, and then went to the kitchen.

"Success," he announced in a low voice as he entered the kitchen. Alice and Esme had already prepared theingredients, and put them into the blender. We watched as the blender ran, the ingredients churning into an

unappealing grayish color. Esme took off the lid and we leaned over to look. Everyone jumped back. The smell was

absolutely revolting. Even given all the time we had spent cooking the last few days, no one had gotten over therevulsion to human food. But this was particularly bad. Esme poured it slowly into a tall glass. It was thick and

chunky. Emmett gagged and left the room.

I stuck a straw in it and carried it out. The others waited in the kitchen. We didn't want Bella to feel too much

pressure to try it. I handed her the glass and stood back, rather horrified that anyone would want to ingest thatsubstance. I saw Rosalie wrinkle her nose at the smell.

But Bella drank it down quickly, not even using the straw.

"That's good," she said, smiling up at me. I sensed Carlisle's pleasure from upstairs. He was glad to hear she was

eating, and enjoying, something. When Carlisle was not caring for her, he was struggling to find information,combing through old books of legends and stories. He had Jasper and Emmett continuing to search on the internet.

At night, when Bella slept, and a grim quiet spread over the house, I could hear them whispering quietly by thecomputer in Alice's room.

Bella leaned back, contented, against the couch, and then before my eyes turned white and then a pale shade of green. She lurched forward, vomiting onto the couch.

"Bella," I gasped, shocked, and gathered her into my arms. She had only vomited a couple times since we returned

from Isle Esme, and we thought it was something that had passed. She moaned and leaned against me.



"I'm so sorry," she gasped into my shirt.

"Oh, Bella, no," I said gently. "Don't be sorry. You should never be sorry." I kissed her clammy forehead, andwiped her face gently with the towel that Alice had quickly brought. Alice and Esme worked swiftly to sweep away

the mess, while Bella leaned against me. I noticed Rosalie sitting frozen, horror on her face. Some caretaker , Ithought grimly.

My clothes, thought Rosalie. I snorted. She looked at me darkly.

"Esme, you'll stay?" she asked quickly. Esme nodded, and Rosalie disappeared upstairs.

"It's OK, sweetheart," I whispered to Bella, smoothing her hair back. "You'll feel better now."

Almost as if in response to this, Bella vomited again. Esme was ready with a small bucket this time, but as shemoved away to clean it, Bella suddenly moaned and bent over the floor, getting sick again. Esme and I exchanged

uneasy looks. I glanced up at Carlisle, standing behind the couch, but as my eyes moved to his, Bella violentlywretched again, sliding off the couch onto her knees on the floor.

"Bella," chorused several voices in alarm. Carlisle was around the couch in a flash, and we gently lifted Bella up,

setting her back against the pillows of the couch. Her hands were shaking, and I clutched them in one of mine,pressing them to my lips. Then I reached around and pulled her body, still trembling, against my chest.

"You're OK, you're OK," I chanted, rocking softly, wishing more than anything it was true.

I kept waiting for it to stop, but Bella vomited repeatedly over the rest of the day. She could not keep anythingdown. She was desperately thirsty, but even the smallest sip of water came back up. Carlisle took over, and with

his calm manner insisted Bella wait for a long while before drinking again. He stayed by her, patting her hand,whispering encouragement. But under his cool demeanor, Carlisle was extremely concerned. She's losing so much

weight. She needs nutrition, fluids. If this vomiting continues, things could get very serious, very fast.

Panic rushed through me. Of course I thought the thing would kill her – it consumed my every thought, scorchingits way into all the corners of my mind, leaving me only the small piece of sanity I used to drag myself through the

hours. I had pictured its brutality in so many ways the last few days, horrible visions that were permanently etchedonto my mind now. But now, not this way, too. Was this the beginning of a merciless deterioration? Good lord,

please, not this.

I pressed a cool cloth to her forehead and stared into Bella's miserable eyes, feeling an overwhelming swell of self-hate. Her face was very pale, still shadowed with a faint shade of green. Sweat made her hair stick to her

forehead, and her eyes were red rimmed.

"Edward," she moaned. "I'm so thirsty, please give me just a sip of water." Her pleading voice tortured me, the

sound of it like daggers through my skull. To think that I had ever denied her anything was impossible in this

moment. I glanced desperately at Carlisle.

"Carlisle, it's been 20 minutes," I whispered desperately. "Let me give her something." He shook his head mutely.

A sob hitched in Bella's throat, and I felt myself growing wild with the sheer misery and relentlessness of thesituation.

Carlisle looked at me with concern. Edward, go take a break. I shook my head at him, seeing my frenzied

expression reflected in his mind. Your not helping, you can't deal with this. I can. Go get some space. It will beeasier for Bella if you are not here.

I wasn't sure if that was true, but I got up and moved over to stand in the doorway of the kitchen. Bella had her

eyes closed and did not seem to notice. I watched in silence for a while, and then sensed someone enter thekitchen. Rosalie. I turned to see her leaning against the counter.

"Where have you been?" I asked sarcastically, like I hadn't been able to hear her mind up in her room this wholetime, warring between her disgust of the vomiting and her desire to come back down and latch herself to Bella

again. Not to soothe Bella, though, but to watch over the thing inside her.



"How is Bella?" These were the words that came out of her lips, but her mind was only concerned if this vomiting

might be bad for the wretched creature that was causing this whole mess. The long hours of despair at watchingBella's misery left me little to fight the anger that flared inside me now.

"Don't even pretend you care about Bella," I hissed.

"I do," she snapped. I was incensed, my muscles locking in sheer fury.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" I snarled at Rosalie. "Are you stupid? Did you somehow forget I can read your goddamn mind!" I spat at her. "Don't tell me Bella's comfort is any kind of priority for you."

Rosalie growled, her face furious. She moved across the kitchen to stand just a foot away from me in the doorway.

"Shut up, Edward," she snarled quietly.

We stood for a tense moment. I noticed that her eyes flickered uneasily around, and I realized she was looking forEmmett. Ah, but Emmett isn't here right now . He was still returning from a trip to the store, to get some more

drinks for Bella. I could hear his thoughts, and he was still a couple miles away. Not back for a few more minutes.

I let my anger get the better of me. I moved till I was very close to Rosalie, our faces inches apart. Too close.

Threateningly close.

"I know you think of yourself as Bella's protector, saving her from me," I said in a low voice, barely audible,dripping with my fury. "But, where is your protector now, Rosalie?"

Rosalie's eyes widened for a moment, but then narrowed into black slits.

"Get away from me, Edward," she hissed, and pushed against me with her hand, sending me back several inches. I

shoved her back, harder than I meant, and she hit the door frame, splintering the wood.

Carlisle flashed between us.

"What is this?" he muttered in a low voice. We were silent. "How can I take care of Bella, when I have to listen to

you two quarrel?" A flash of shame finally sparked inside me.

"How is she?" I asked Carlisle urgently. I looked back around the corner at the couch, but I could not see Bella'sface. Esme was sitting with her.

"She is asleep, finally," said Carlisle. "Why don't you go out and see her, Edward? Rosalie, you go back upstairs fora few minutes."

"No, I won't," snarled Rosalie.

"Yes, you will." There was a hard edge to Carlisle's voice. "Esme is with Bella, and I promise you that she will not

leave her side until you return." Carlisle looked at Rosalie, his eyes flat. "You do still, at least, trust Esme, don'tyou?" I was surprised by the biting tone of his voice. Bella's deteriorating health had pushed him too much for one

day.

Rosalie stared back, her expression enigmatic, and then turned and disappeared. Carlisle slumped a little after sheleft, leaning against the wall as if for support. I started to go, and then turned around.

"Carlisle," I said in a low voice. He looked at me. He sighed, seeing the panic, the desperate questions in myeyes. The fetus is making her very sick, Edward. I'm not sure why, or what it means yet. I'm sorry.

I nodded at him, and then rounded the corner and started towards Bella. Jasper was standing silently on the

bottom step of the stairs, looking at me. He had been there the whole time, waiting, but had chosen not tointerfere. He nodded once at me, and then disappeared up the stairs. Back to Alice.



I headed over to Bella, hearing the car pull into the garage. There would be hell to pay from Emmett, but it was

worth it. I doubted, though, that he would leave Rosalie here alone again. Probably very wise.

Bella lay on the couch, asleep. A shaft of sunlight fell across her face, which shined slightly with a sheen of sweat. I

pressed a hand to her cheek and it was too cool. My fingers brushed her lips, rougher than usual from lack of fluids, but still soft and warm compared to my icy stone hand. I slid my hand around to the back of her head,

burying it in her soft hair, which glistened with red strands pulled out by the sun. I bent down and kissed her

forehead gently. Then I gathered her carefully into my arms, careful not to wake her, and sat on the couch. Esmemoved to sit next to us.

"Edward," she said tentatively. I looked into her soft, golden eyes. "I know," she said, "that you are not happy withBella's choice. But, you must understand, that motherhood is a powerful, wonderful thing. Having a baby was the

single greatest moment of my human life."

I ground my teeth together, infuriated that she was buying into Bella and Rosalie's delusions of a baby.

"This thing," I spit out, "is not a baby."

"Edward," Esme pleaded softly.

"Look at her, Esme," I snapped, looking down at the pale, thin, exhausted angel in my arms. "Did your baby kill

you when it was born?" I instantly regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. It was a terrible, cruel thingto say to Esme. Because her baby had, in a sense, killed her. Driven her to throw herself off a cliff in despair over

his death. Esme looked away, her mind quickly filling with thoughts of the tiny, dying baby.

"Esme, I am so sorry," I moaned. Shame pulsed through me. Esme looked back at me, her eyes suddenly fierce.

"Don't be, Edward," she said. "Yes, he did kill me. His death did. But he also gave me life. I would never, ever wish

to take away one moment I had with him. Being a mother, even for such a brief time, changed my life. Made mewho I am today. Being a mother, then and today, is the most powerful force in my life."

I stared back at her, momentarily stunned by her strong emotions. Esme took my face between her small hands,

and stared intently into my eyes, inviting me into her mind. She filled her thoughts with a memory from her humanlife, of holding her small, newborn son in the hours after his birth. The clarity and depth of the image, so vivid for a

human memory, shocked me. She must have worked very hard to remember it so clearly throughout the years, in

the minutes and hours she was truly alone in her own mind, away from me. I wished she hadn't felt she needed tohide this from me.

But she shared it with me now, giving herself fully to the memories, to feel and experience them. So strong wasthe recall, I felt physically immersed in her lost moments. Her bliss was overwhelming, holding the small, helpless

infant. The utter sense of completeness, that all the moments of her life had lead up to this one. She pressed herlips against the infant's impossibly smooth, silky skin, drinking in its indescribable scent as she enveloped him,

warm and soft, into her arms. She loved him, more than her own life.

The memory started to fade, as the pain became too much for Esme, and she began to pull away. She dropped herhands from my face and looked down for a moment. "Motherhood is a miracle, Edward," she whispered."Not a

curse."

Esme's thoughts created a painful twist of emotions inside me. There was no way to deny the joy of these

memories, and the conviction of her thoughts. But even having felt the strength of her experience, I still couldn'tequate her feelings with what was happening to Bella now. I shook my head. It's not the same, I thought

miserably. It's not the same. She won't even live to see it.

There was movement by the door. Alice, Jasper and Emmett were headed out for a hunting trip, and Esme was to join them. It had been unfortunate timing that when Bella and I arrived home from Isle Esme, they had not been

hunting in well over a week. No one had wanted to leave since we got home, but finally the trip had been planned.It was coming up on 2 weeks now. They wanted to cancel after Bella's illness this morning, but I insisted they go.



Esme stood up to join them. I'm failing him, she thought miserably. I don't know how to help him. I stood up and

gently laid Bella on the couch. Rosalie had returned, standing silent behind the couch. Her eyes were intense, and Iknew she had been listening to my conversation with Esme. I went over to Esme and took her shoulders.

"Thank you, Esme," I murmured. I knew how much it had pained her to say those words, to think those memories.I managed a hard smile, and she pulled me in for a quick, fierce hug.

Esme looked up at me, her eyes soft. "Maybe things will be OK," she whispered. "Maybe this is a gift. Perhaps Bellawas fated to be a mother. And you a father. You would be a wonderful father, Edward."

I shrank away from her words. These were forbidden thoughts, and my fists clenched to hold back the wave of emotions such words incited. Fatherhood was not destined for monsters such as me. In the over 90 years I had

lived in this unchanging body, I had come to accept that I would always be alone. When Bella had come into mylife, my path had been fundamentally, unexpectedly changed, bringing me a happiness I never expected to enjoy.

And yet, I had never, even for a moment, doubted that certain joys were beyond my existence. Such thoughtswere to be banished, untouchable. Father . That word would never be meant for me, and I pressed it far, far behind

the walls in my mind.

A father did not impregnate his wife in a night that left her covered in bruises, cursing her to carry a creature that

would brutally kill her in the end. No. I was not a father. I was a monster.

I sighed and turned back to watch my family start out the door. Their pale figures reflected in the glass,glimmering slightly in the hazy late afternoon sun.

That was when Bella screamed.

breaking dawn epov part 1

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