THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK BY JOHN GOTTMAN

Book Report by Troy Petrie

John and Julie Gottman

BACKGROUND

Divorce rates in the US have increased significantly in the past 50 years.

John has developed a way to predict Divorce

Why save your Marriage? Married couples live longer and healthier

lives The couple aren’t the only ones who suffer

HAPPY MARRIAGES

Emotionally Intelligent Based on Friendship Use Repair Attempts Have Meaning and Purpose Not Perfect Unions

DIVORCE

Marriages are 67% likely to end in divorce within 40 years.

50% occur in the first seven years 2nd marriages are 10% more likely to

end in divorce

THE SIGNS OF DIVORCE

Harsh Startup The Four Horsemen

Criticism Contempt Defensiveness Stonewalling

Flooding Body Language Failed Repair Attempts Bad Memories

THE TWO KINDS OF MARITAL CONFLICT

PERPETUAL SOLVABLE

69% of marital conflict Typical Problems

Religious Upbringing Frequency of Sex Having children Nagging

Couples often lack the skills to solve these problems

Often use techniques that don’t work

Validation and good listening are hard to do under stress

COPING WITH TYPICAL SOLVABLE PROBLEMS

Dealing with Stress In-Laws Money

Itemize Expenditures Manage Everyday Finances Plan your Financial Future

Sex Housework Becoming Parents

Focus on marital friendship Don’t exclude Dad from baby care Let Dad be baby’s playmate Carve out time for the two of you Be sensitive to Dad’s needs Give Mom a break

SEVEN PRINCIPLES

1. Enhance Your Love Maps2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of

Away4. Let Your Partner Influence You5. Solve Your Solvable Problems6. Overcome Gridlock7. Create Shared Meaning

NURTURE YOUR FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION

Lay down a positive view about your spouse

Respecting and appreciate their differences

The antidote for contempt Identify then openly discuss your

partners positive aspects Recall positive aspects of your past

ENHANCE YOUR LOVE MAPS

Love Map - the place in your brain where you store information pertaining to your partner.

Crucial to truly knowing your partner Dreams Hopes Interests Maintaining their interest

TURN TOWARD EACH OTHER INSTEAD OF AWAY

Acknowledge your partner's small moments in life

Orient yourself towards them Maintain that connection Keep an emotional “Bank account”

LET YOUR PARTNER INFLUENCE YOU

Partners learn to respect one another on a deeper level

Equally important to yield to your partner

Emotional Intelligence fosters empathy Maintain your own identity Yield to win

SOLVE YOUR SOLVABLE PROBLEMS

Compromise on issues that can be resolved Soften your startup

Complain don’t blame Start with “I” not ”You” Describe rather than judge Be clear, polite, appreciative Don’t wait to talk

Learn to make and receive repair attempts Soothe yourself and each other Compromise Tolerate each other’s faults

OVERCOME GRIDLOCK

Major issues that cannot be resolved Views are fundamentally different Understanding of the other person

Become a dream detective Deep communication

Work on an issue Find a position so that the other person

can empathize Compromise may not be reached

CREATE SHARED MEANING

Create a shared value system Continually connect through

Shared roles Traditions Symbols Rituals

PERSONAL THOUGHTS

I really enjoyed reading this book. I wish I had read it with my ex-wife before we were married and especially before we were divorced. John presents a lot of good techniques in his book. Many of them seem so obvious after I read about them. I see happy couples and I see what John refers to in the book. He’s right when he says happy couples are easy to pick out. I liked how he ended the book with “The Magic Five Hours”. The scheduled approach is appealing to me in that I am prone to let the little things go when I’m caught up in the daily grind.

SOURCES

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Dr._John_Gottman_with_his_wife_Julie.jpg

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, Ph.D and Nan Silver ISBN 0-609-80579-7

www.gottman.com