Approximate Word Count: 80012311 Relativity WayOrlando, FL 32826(865)603-101krochelle@knights.UCF.edu

A******

living the life of a 7 letter dirty word

by Kelsey Rochelle

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I was on a church mission trip to Canada when I accepted my loss of faith. During the trip, I

both lead prayer and played the role of Satan in a drama. It occurred to me that—to the outside

world, if they knew—the latter would be a better example of my character. It was on this

mission trip—a trip to find God as much as to show Him to others—that I began to recognize

that I am an atheist.

One night, after leading a church full of my close friends, my church family, and strangers in

a heartfelt prayer, I began to understand that I had just committed fraud. Each person who

greeted me afterwards to praise me for my prayer hurt like a punch to the gut. Being regularly

active in the church community, this mission trip opened my eyes to the fact that I had to open

up about my stance on religion.

My loving parents wept for my soul as well as my sanity when I eventually broke the news.

My father questioned my motives and my morality. This was a time of dissent in the family.

Having only the harsh rhetoric of Dawkins, Hitchens, and Harris as my main experience with

atheist, I had a hard time of finding the middle ground of expressing my beliefs without resenting

my family for their reaction.

Although these prominent atheist figures are people I look up to and generally agree with,

their anti-religious rhetoric was no way to help my parents understand what I was going through

and why my beliefs had changed. A couple of years after coming out of the atheist closet, it

became clear to me that if I wanted to be understood, I had to be willing to work towards coming

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to an understanding. This meant that arguing with my parents about God’s existence or what is

or is not in the Bible and how that should be interpreted were not the topics that would restore

some common ground. We were at place where would never identify with one another

religiously. The debate was useless for coming to an understanding, because we each had our

minds made up.

The way for us to understand each other wouldn’t come from debating theology. An

understanding between us wouldn’t come from me trying to open their minds to my ideology or

them trying to open my mind to theirs. Instead, we had to open our hearts, defeat the debate, and

find he means to coexist with equal levels of freedom.

I give this anecdote because this is how I hope you will frame my story—not as a story of

why I’m right, but a story of what I have experienced in my religious upbringing followed by my

denial of God. When I speak of religious principles I found harmful, it is to show my side of the

story rather than to make anyone toss their faith. I recognize that every religion has a variety of

meanings to its followers. I recognize that one person’s Christianity isn’t always another’s. One

person’s Buddhism isn’t always another’s. One person’s Islam isn’t always another’s. One

person’s Judaism isn’t always another’s. One person’s atheism isn’t always another’s. Our

religious title aren’t terms that can truly attest to our personalities or our characters.

Atheists are a minority in America—an often hated and misunderstood minority. Living a

life guided by religious principles can lead someone to not understand where a Godless person

finds their moral compass. When someone’s life is led by a deity, it can be harder to understand

someone without a deity at all than just someone with a different one. Without a set of rules, a

dogmatic criterion, a standard doctrine, how could someone conduct themselves in a moral way?

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Apart from the stereotype that atheists lack morals and general kindness is the stereotype that

atheists are aggressive assholes. I admit to meeting a few atheist comfortable in confronting

Christians on why they are stupid, delusional, or uneducated. I have also met Christians who

feel comfortable confronting students on university campuses to shout out to them that they are

damned to Hell because of their sin and unworthiness. This angry, hateful attitude is not

something religious status—it is something of human nature. Wherever there are people there

will be anger, hate, betrayal, greed, and so on. These are art of the human experience. They

require no religion or lack thereof. The same is to be said of love, compassion, kindness,

companionship, and gentleness.

All of this being said, I will speak out against religious principles that I find to be those born

of the harmful aspects of human nature. I will speak out against principles that restrict personal

freedoms, perpetuate hate, and cause undeserved guilt and shame. I will speak out against these

principles, but I am not speaking out against religious people. We all have our own sides of the

story. I only want to share mine.