blaming to badass · 2020. 6. 14. · blaming to badass purposeful vs. reactive thinking and...

Blaming to Badass

How to feel your own feels and take ownership of your life

BLAMING TO BADASS Purposeful Vs. Reactive Thinking and Feeling 3The Purpose of the Model 3Overview of The Model 6Purpose of the Thought Download (TDL) 7Owning Our Crap 8Scaling Thoughts 12Becoming the Badass Author of Your Life 15Self-Love 15What keeps me from success? 15Self-Esteem 17How Do You Build Your Self-Esteem? 18

June/2017

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BLAMING TO BADASS Purposeful Vs. Reactive Thinking And Feeling

The Purpose of the Model

We are all taught how to eat, read, and do math.

But, we aren’t truly taught how to think on purpose. Most of us formed our opinions and

thoughts based on what our parents and society thinks is right. We formed our thoughts

around what we were exposed to. Most of us never learn that we get to DECIDE how

we manage our thoughts. Most people believe they just think what they think and that’s

the way it is.

The purpose of the model is to show you which thoughts you CHOOSE in your life.

Every thought has the option to be a choice you MAKE.

It takes retraining of your mind so you can experience more positive emotions and

therefore positive results in your life.

Most us are comfortable in our thoughts. Even the thoughts that bring us discomfort and

pain. For example, many people choose to think, “Losing weight is hard for me,” even

though it feels frustrating. Why? Because it allows you to not try. And by not trying you

avoid feelings of uncertainty, failure, and discomfort.

The model teaches us that our feelings are the most important thing to know and pay

attention to. When we are willing to feel all the feelings, even negative ones, we can

truly start changing our lives. We no longer have to seek pleasure to disguise pain,

judge others for “hurting” us, and more. We can assume our own control in our life and

decide how we want to think. And when we are deliberate instead of reactive with our

thoughts we can THEN start getting the results we want out of our life.

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BLAMING TO BADASS The model categorizes our lives into five things:

Circumstances

Thoughts

Feelings

Actions

Results

You will often see this in PNPTribe as…

C __________________________________

T __________________________________

F __________________________________

A __________________________________

R __________________________________

You can put anything into the model to see how it is playing out in your life.

The model is to give you a quick and clear view of…

1. How you choose to think about things determines how you feel about things.

2. How you feel about things determines what you do or do not do in your life.

3. What you do or do not do in life creates your results.

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BLAMING TO BADASS The results you have in life are always created by your thoughts. Period.

Often it’s the SMALLEST of sentences (our thoughts) that are the most important ones

to pay attention to. This is why I insist you do thought-downloads. And I also want you to

be open to the possibility that your thoughts you currently believe might not be true!

They will seem true and feel true because you practiced them most of your life. But, I

can promise you that most of them aren’t. They are simply what you think and if you

aren’t getting what you want in life you just need to change them and practice them.

Be aware that you might want to hang onto to these thoughts though. Even when you

see they aren’t working for you it will be like letting go of your favorite shoes that like

look like crap! But that’s when you must remind yourself that, “I am open to being wrong

about the way I have thought.”

Why? Because if you aren’t feeling the way you want in life or you aren’t living the life

you want it’s time to try something new. Your first step is to question what you think and

believe to be true. The truth you are holding onto is buying you the life you have right

now so make sure you are buying the right stuff.

Examples of thoughts and beliefs we mistake for truth.

If you think I will always be overweight you’ve likely either been overweight or lost and

gained weight all of your life living out that thought. It’s hard to lose weight and maintain

it when your belief leaves you feeling defeated.

If you believe I truly deserve and am open to love in life, you seek out love, surround

yourself with people who lift you up, eliminate people from your life who don’t without

guilt, have firm non-negotiable boundaries for what is acceptable in your life, and more.

You likely aren’t the person who feels “walked on” because of a thought like I’m a

doormat; it’s just the way it is.

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BLAMING TO BADASS

If you think people should behave in certain ways in order for me to feel love, cared for,

or respected, you likely feel frustrated, judgmental and angry that others “should do

better.”

But, what if you think people can behave and think how they want because I choose

how to feel in this world? You likely feel observant, confident and nonjudgmental. You

allow people to be who they are. Even when they aren’t being their best. You also know

that loving people sometimes means setting a boundary or saying no. You don’t feel the

need to be angry and let down to have compassion for your feelings.

Overview of The Model

Circumstances - Things that happen in the world we cannot control. Facts. Judge Judy

agrees with you.

Thoughts - Sentences that happen in your mind. Keep it one thought and no questions.

Feelings - Vibrations that happen in your body - they are always caused by your

thoughts, not your circumstances.

Actions - Behavior - what we do in the world. Can include inaction.

Results - What we see in the world (our lives) as an effect of our action. The result will

always be evidence for or prove the original thought.

We use the model by WATCHING it. This means you observe the model. In the

beginning you will WANT to judge yourself because you’ll quickly see, “no wonder I feel

like crap! I must be crazy to think like this!” You’ll discover the ways you are thinking that

are totally “screwing up” what you want in life.

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BLAMING TO BADASS

The goal of the model is to take what you’ve been thinking, feeling, and doing out of the

unconscious and bring it to the conscious. What’s funny is most of us will HATE that

part. It’s easier to just keep thinking our old crap and not change.

But once you see how much control you have you will want to start changing your life.

Maybe for the first time ever you will realize you do have the control. This is called the

awareness phase.

Purpose of the Thought Download (TDL)

TDL’s are where you get aware of what you are thinking. Think of a TDL like this: it’s a

five minute writing where all the emotional baggage is released.

When you look at your written (typed) TDL it’s so much easier to SEE what thoughts

aren’t working for you versus beating yourself up for the thoughts you have running

through your brain every day. Seeing these ineffective thoughts allow you to DECIDE on

your own terms what you want to think and feel. You get to decide if you want to keep

them, change them, or release them. It’s up to you once you have them in black and

white.

Your brain gets dirty just like your house. If you don’t sweep and clean once a week you

are going to collect dirt. The TDL is your broom. It sweeps up the dirty thoughts and lets

you tidy up if you choose!

Here are some reasons to TDL and do a model every day.

• To feel better.

• To create results.

• To become aware of what’s not working.

• To think more deliberately.

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BLAMING TO BADASS • To create/manifest what you want in your life.

• To remove negative thinking and emotions.

• To create positive thinking and emotions.

Owning Our Crap

You are going to become aware of a lot of thoughts that aren’t working for you. And, it

will feel strange at first to not blame our circumstances (husbands, jobs, kids, genetics,

age) for how our lives are playing out. You want to start focusing on what you are

thinking and why, and then ask - am I thinking that DELIBERATELY? There’s a big

difference between just thinking our same old stories and deciding to think something

totally new. I can’t say it enough; be open to the old stories being completely WRONG.

There are things in this world that happen where we have zero control over.

Other people, your past, things that happened to you - you have no control over those

things, but you do have control over how you think about them and what you make it

mean in your life.

First step is what we talked about before - you have to get aware of your thoughts.

That’s EXACTLY how you take control over what you think. You can’t change what you

don’t know isn’t working!

I want you to be super aware of what’s going on in your mind. Look at what you are

thinking about daily, why you think what you think, and if you want to continue thinking

that way! But, here’s a warning.

It’s a lot of work and will feel hard at first. But, just WATCH your brain. Don’t judge and

get frustrated. The things you are doing and not doing in life are because of the

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BLAMING TO BADASS thoughts circling in the background. Your TDL’s will help you get them from automatic

thoughts to front and center.

You’ll start seeing patterns with your actions. For example, a common pattern is this

one, “the reason I overeat is because of what I’m thinking and feeling. I feel

unsupported because I choose to think my husband should act differently.”

Just knowing you are acting in ways because of your thoughts creates OWNERSHIP of

your life. You go from blame to this is my choice. The real question becomes do you like

your choice?

Often what happens in this stage is we are like OK I see how crappy my thoughts and

feelings are. Now what?

We want to start catching ourselves before we REACT to the crappy thoughts and

feelings. I often tell myself when I am mad at my husband for something he did that I

can feel angry. But I don’t get to do anything until I am not angry anymore. Doesn’t

mean I have to be all rainbows and unicorns when he forgets my birthday. I’ve learned

its OK to be angry but it’s for me to feel; not to react. My trained and practiced over

years response to anger now is to pause. I choose not to act out of anger. If I am going

to voice my desire for gifts, love, remembrance or whatever it will not be when I am

mad. It’s not how I WANT to show up in life. It doesn’t feel good for me. I want to always

feel any emotion and then decide what is best for me before I act.

Like in this example, after I let my anger pass and move into thinking, “I just need to

remind him I like gifts and an I love you,” I feel calm. I’m not demanding and yelling at

someone to love me. I’m allowing myself to truly work through my own hurt, not relying

on someone to fix my pain, and taking ownership. He may never remember a birthday,

but I have learned that when you want love you start with loving yourself first.

June/2017



BLAMING TO BADASS So decide what you want to think on purpose. If you don’t tell your brain what to focus

on or what to think it will just go to old patterns. The ones you know don’t create the

outcomes you want in life. You brain does what it knows best. If you tend to think

negative, anxiety producing thoughts…guess what? Your brain will go there because it’s

comfortable. Not because it gets you the results you want.

Your job is to allow all the thoughts and feelings. All of them. When they come up your

next step is to decide if you are going to react or not. We don’t want to turn them off. We

want to learn to have them, be aware, and decide what to do next CONSCIOUSLY.

So many of us say we don’t want to overeat or yell at our kids. We don’t know why we

do it.

We can find the why. It’s in there. We just haven’t spent enough time figuring out what

thought and feeling leads to those actions. Once you do that THEN you get the

opportunity to decide what to do next. You might want to be angry but you might choose

to TDL and think instead of yell and eat.

That’s taking ownership of your thoughts instead of blaming others for your actions.

When you are willing to feel any emotion you will not be freaked out by negative

thoughts. Those negative thoughts will come up and you will train your brain how to live

your life with all the emotions with control. You will want to choose negative emotions at

times! It’s life.

The emotional adult is someone who says, “I am choosing to feel sad, frustrated, angry,

grief.” And they feel it. They don’t start trying to change it with food, booze, overreacting,

blame, or ignoring.

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BLAMING TO BADASS When you allow yourself to feel the negative emotions then you will find the thoughts

causing it. It’s easy to avoid it or delete it. You might think, “I can’t believe I think these

things about my marriage, myself, or my kids.” That makes it harder to understand

where it comes from.

Other examples of thoughts we get “worked up over.”

• I’m never going to lose this weight.

• I’m not a fit as everyone here.

• I don’t fit in.

• Everyone seems to do things so much better and easier than me.

• I’m just a bother; no one wants to hear my stupid problems.

Those are just things you think and you can look at them as just your thoughts. No

beating yourself up for having them. These are the exact things you want to see so you

can begin change.

Ask yourself, “Why do I choose to think those things?” Be easy with yourself. You want

to really answer it. Simply take a look at them and figure out why you think it. Then you

can ask is this something I want to keep thinking? When you know why you have

thoughts that don’t make you feel good you can then start working on changing them.

You’ll be able to see they are choices. If you can choose those; you can choose new

ones.

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BLAMING TO BADASS Scaling Thoughts

Here’s where we go from the theory of owning and changing thoughts to the actionable

plan of how to change what you think.

You pick a new thought. It “sounds” great. But, so often people get turned off right here.

“I just don’t believe the new thought so I’m done.” Then it’s rinse and repeat of the old

sentence you know that sucks.

Well, that makes sense. I’ll go from a thought I know stinks and doesn’t pay off for me to

one that’s so unbelievable it convinces me to go with a broken thought.

The tendency is to want to jump to a thought we WANT to believe but we just aren’t

ready. We don’t want to just pretend to believe new things and think, “If I keep telling

myself I am beautiful over and over again I will stop thinking I am too fat.”

You cannot CONVINCE yourself of a new thought. You have to start with something you

can buy into and that feels good to you.

This is where scaling up a thought comes in. You will move up the scale of thinking. If

you think, “I’m so fat,” don’t try to go to, “I’m a sexy beast.” Let’s start with what we know

we can believe and upgrade to.

Try going from, “I’m so fat,” to, “I am working on my weight.” That’s a neutral thought. It

takes away some of the negative steam of the old thought and shifts you into a different

feeling without a lot of faking and pretending.

So many of us are triggered when we think about our weight to just start eating. It’s

really important when you have thoughts about your body like you are fat, hopeless,

disgusting, etc., that you see how you feel and act after. Don’t beat yourself up for the

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BLAMING TO BADASS overeats. Learn from them! Notice how the overeats get started and then work

backwards to changing what kick starts them! There’s always a thought lurking

underneath!

You don’t have to immediately believe you are terrific, in control, and got this with your

weight. But going to a place of believing you are learning to change, that you matter in

this world can take you from negative emotions to neutral ones. And it gives you

practice at directing your thoughts instead of letting them run wild.

I want you to understand you can feel anything. You can choose to think anything. You

can do the negative emotions. You can change to positive feelings when you are ready.

But YOU are in the drivers seat. No one else. And when you are willing to have negative

emotions you learn quick that they aren’t as big a deal as you’ve made them to be.

If your husband yells at you, you might have a thought he shouldn’t yell at me. You feel

frustrated and angry. Be willing to feel that. The next time he yells it’s your choice if you

want to think something different or if you don’t! Just be willing to feel what you think

and be OK with that.

When you are willing to feel any emotion you are no longer compelled to REACT

immediately. If you don’t want to feel angry you are more likely to eat, drink, or argue

instead of feeling anger and then deciding what you want to feel before you react. So if

you want to be angry be OK with being angry without needing to do something about it.

If you want a happy life it all starts with deciding how you want to think. A willingness to

feel anything. Notice some of the thoughts you used to think were terrible. Now notice

you are willing to simply ask, “Why am I choosing to think this now?” There’s a lot of

good that comes from be willing to simply notice negative thoughts and just question

them.

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BLAMING TO BADASS Three of the best questions you can ask yourself when you see thoughts you don’t

like…

• Why am I choosing to think this thought now?

• Is that what I want to keep thinking?

• Why or why not?

Summary:

Step One: TDL daily - figure out what you are thinking.

Step Two: Be willing to feel anything.

Step Three: Don’t just react to your negative feelings. Learn how to feel, stop and then

decide if you want to change your thought or feel the feel.

And remember, you can always scale up your thoughts when you are ready to change

them.

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BLAMING TO BADASS Becoming The Badass Author Of Your Life

Self-Love

It isn’t the soft and cuddly stuff we do like mani and pedi time.

Self-Love is a mandatory part of becoming the author of the life you want.

True self love is putting yourself out there knowing you will never beat yourself up. You

always have a soft place to land because true self-love is turning off the inner critic.

There’s a difference between examining what you do (using the model and TDL’s as a

watcher) and belittling yourself (judging yourself for what you think and feel). An inner

critic CRITICIZES their thoughts, actions and results. A watcher decisively EVALUATES

their thoughts, actions and results. Evaluating is not blowing smoke up your ass. It’s

taking control of your life.

When you love you then you are willing to work on yourself. You love yourself enough to

go out and kick some ass and to keep trying. You learn how to believe in yourself. And,

you are willing to create a self-image that isn’t afraid of being hurt. You know no one can

hurt your feelings but you.

What Keeps Me From Success

It’s your lack of self-esteem. When we lack self-love we put a limit on our self-esteem.

Often we think our self-esteem is damaged by what others around us are doing or not

doing, saying or not saying.

As we have learned that’s not true. We choose how we feel…even when we are hurt.

We choose it.

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BLAMING TO BADASS

Your self-esteem is your job. You will learn how to start taking care of it. Your willingness

to take care of your self-esteem and commit to self-love is directly tied to your ability to

lose weight and change your life.

When you have neglected growing and cultivating your self-esteem, you quit seeing

your possibilities. You focus on your limitations. Ask someone who has a limited belief in

themselves about how they will lose weight. They will likely tell you all the reasons it will

be hard and nearly impossible. They might have a couple of things they think will help

but each thing will start with “I’ll try to…” or end with “but here’s the problems I have in

my life.”

Do you see value in yourself? Are you worth changing and working on? Before you will

do the work of losing weight the very first thing to do is make sure you are worth

investing time in. Without thinking you are worth it you will NOT put in the consistent

time and effort it takes to lose your weight.

I suggest your first step is to find your inner motivation. Why do you want to lose

weight? What do you truly want with weight loss? Whatever that answer is you will need

to know it.

For example, many people want to lose weight to be happy. But they think happiness

comes from the weight loss.

The trick is to start adding happiness NOW while you work towards the weight loss goal.

How do you do that?

Work on your relationship with healthy food by finding recipes you love and look forward

to. You’ll be happy to eat them!

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BLAMING TO BADASS

Keep a daily journal and plug in what went right today with your food and exercise.

Redefine your relationship with being slightly hungry and satisfied. Think of allowing

some hunger as empowering instead of scary.

Look at any movement with exercise as a way you are connecting to your body instead

of focusing on how hard it is, is this going to get the fat off my body, or how it is such

chore.

Pick things to do with your body you love. Drop the rules you have around what is good

enough. Decide you do things you like and it is always the right choice.

This is all simply changing how you view things but this is exactly how you cultivate the

“happiness” you want from weight loss. The more you work on your ability to feel happy

the more weight you will lose.

Notice the weight loss is not causing it. How you think about the way you are losing

weight is all that must change.

Self-Esteem

Zig Ziglar once said, “It’s impossible to consistently behave in a manner inconsistent

with how we see ourselves. We can do very few things in a positive way if we feel

negative about ourselves.”

Low self-esteem is going to limit you. Your self-esteem is your responsibility and that’s

good! If you are in control of it then you can change it all you want. But most people are

more concerned with what others will think. “I’ll just eat the cake because I don’t want

her to think bad of me.” Boom. One more time your self esteem is lowered. You de-

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BLAMING TO BADASS valued your goals and what you wanted in an effort to change how someone thinks of

you. What if you thought, “I don’t have to eat to show people I care; that’s what my

words are for.”

Steven Chandler said it best…”If you put small value on yourself, rest assured the world

will not raise the price.”

You will always act to the level of your self-esteem and that’s just a manifestation

of your thoughts. This is why the model is so important. It allows you to see where you

are blocking your own growth and how you can expand on it. If you think losing weight

is hard for you then you will quit on yourself in little ways. You’ll eat a little extra, skip a

few workouts. The act of the quits lowers your self-esteem. By acting you being to raise

it.

How Do You Build Your Self-Esteem?

Become aware of your thoughts.

We have about 60,000 thoughts a day. The reason we do TDL’s and the model is so you

can see what kind of conversation you are having with yourself every day. Watch what

you say to yourself. Do you encourage yourself? Good! That’s building your self-

esteem. But, if you criticize you are systematically breaking your self-esteem down.

From the book The Answer…

By the time you are seventeen years old, you’ve heard “No you can’t,” an average of

150,000 times. You’ve heard “Yes, you can,” about 5,000 times. That’s thirty no’s for

every yes. That makes a powerful belief of “I can’t.”

The older you are the more responsible you are for doing the work of changing the old

programming. This is why you cannot afford to dismiss the successes.

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BLAMING TO BADASS

Each day when you do your food journal, write down one thing that went amazing today.

One thing you DID. No dismissive comments like it could have been better or it’s not

that big a deal, BUT. Practice finding and acknowledging the things that go right.

The flip side is being the watcher over your mistakes. Rather than beating yourself up

find one thing a day you can do better. Tell yourself that this is how I grow and do better

next time. Because, it’s the truth. The verbal beating is the lie.

Stop comparing yourself to others

It’s a waste of time. Most of us who compare to others focus on how much better than

are than us. Well, that sucks! It doesn’t feel good so what’s the point? How is that going

to invest in yourself esteem. Catch yourself when you compare to others. Tell yourself

this is waste of my mental energy to grow.

You must focus on how you can grow. Compare yourself to yesterday and to the person

you are becoming. Find the differences between where you are today and the person

you envision at your goal weight. Start putting those actions and thoughts into play. If

you have time to compare to someone else then you are in inaction. You are

procrastinating your best-self. You are now busy doing nothing.

Find your limiting belief about weightloss

Most of us think something that is holding us back. That’s going to come up often the

more you TDL. The little thoughts about your genetics, lack of support from others, your

age, your ability to control yourself are all beliefs you have. And those are often self-

imposed limitations.

You can do the Building Your Self-Esteem worksheet to transform your limiting beliefs

into empowering beliefs.

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BLAMING TO BADASS Practice a small step every day

Most of us want to lose weight by tackling everything at once. We forget that momentum

and motivation are built on the back of 100’s of tiny decisions.

The best way to grow your confidence is to practice positive habits, actions and

decisions every day. Starting with the small things that you do over and over again

without fail is sure to build self-esteem. You practice the commitment to self.

Commitment and discipline are going to move you ahead FAST. And, ironically, the

fastest way to build self-esteem and confidence is to slowly chip away at the little things

in weight loss.

What are the SMALL things you can do daily that will build your momentum, motivation,

and commitment?

Celebrate the little stuff

Every journal entry, every TDL be on the lookout for how you talk about your day. Here’s

two ways you could be writing.

• Well, it’s about time I started doing something for me.

• I didn’t do as much as I should have.

• That won’t help me lose weight fast enough.

• The scale should be moving faster than this.

• I hope I can keep this weight off.

Or…

• It’s good that I did that.

• I did the right thing!

• Every thing I do gets me closer to my goal weight.

• I’m one step closer to success.

• I am learning how to keep this weight off.

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BLAMING TO BADASS You must remind yourself of the things you do, how hard it was, and acknowledge all

the things you overcame. You did that! The biggest part of self love and building your

self-esteem is you are the one who cheerleads you. You don’t NEED others to do it. You

do it so much that when others give it to you - you notice and it’s just icing on the cake!

Pick a word that describes you

Try it now. Pick one word that describes you. If it’s not positive then look for one that you

want to embody and start living like that. If it is positive then you have your word that

helps you stay focused in the right direction. The word you choose says a lot about how

you think of yourself!

After you have your word, put it a few places. Make it so in your face that you hear

others say it to you, you notice when you are living up to it, and you see clearly when

you are straying away from it.

The final piece of building your self-love and self-esteem is simply taking responsibility

for your life. You get what you accept in life. If you are disrespected it is because you

allowed it. If you are not supported it’s because you are not supporting yourself. When

you decide you are the one who creates the plan and purpose for your life, you are the

one responsible for implementing those, and you are the one responsible for what you

do to get there then you are on your way to creating a life you want instead of settling

for the one you don’t.

You will live this life one way or another. Choose how you will show up for your life.

You have value. Own it.

You matter. Know that.

Your life can change. Believe that.

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BLAMING TO BADASS

Your background, circumstances, and past are your classroom. You decide what the

lesson is. Is it one of growth or setback?

The only thing standing in the way of who you want to be is your belief in getting there.

Move forward one step at a time.

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blaming to badass · 2020. 6. 14. · blaming to badass purposeful vs. reactive thinking and...

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