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The anti-social personality's understanding of such wordsis often incomplete and cont radictory. For example, most alcoholics

agree their situation is largel y their own fault: yet, they go on to deny

that their failures are their own r esponsibility; they are inclined

to place blame elsewhere. C learly, their understanding of the notion

of responsibility is vague and contradictory.

C olin Wilson on

Dan MacDougald

Blaming Justifies Your Own Bad Behavior

On this page:

Blame Action Loop | Blame and Selfishness | How This Attitude Can Get Your

Head Blown Off | Constant Crisis

How many times have you heard someone who said something that is mean,

vindictive and hurtful -- or committed a violent and/or destructive act -- justify it by saying the recipient had 'made' the perpetrator mad?

That's an example of using blame to excuse your own bad behavior.

Unfortunately, blame is like anger in that it dulls one sense of empathy. It

allows a person to act in a hurtful way to another human being. It isn't the act

itself, but it often clears the road. This is a small, but important point.

Ordinary humans have inhibitions that serve as a buffer against what weknow is bad behavior. Blame is not the act itself, but it either erodes or

outright removes these inhibitions, often both . It develops a thought pattern

that allows the person's emotions to override his/her self-control in order to

achieve an often selfish end -- including sustaining dysfunctional patterns.

While this may seem like an overly harsh statement, also realize the kind of

mindset that so quickly adopts blame as a defensive posture foremotional/ego protection is exactly the same one that will put you in front

of, otherwise avoidable, physical danger.

Blame Action Loops

It is not uncommon for people who engage in blaming behavior to also

engage in selfish behavior. And as long as they are getting benefit from it --whether monetary, emotional, comfort, entertainment or psychological

stability -- they will continue to engage in those actions. But realize that most

of the time the person is too busy doing the behavior to see their actions in

this context. Look at the diagram below:

What this illustrates is a simplified action loop model of how humans interact

with the world around them. When functioning on this basic level, 'stimuli'comes in from the 'world,' it is evaluated and an 'appropriate' action is taken.

An example is you come to a corner with a traffic light. The stimuli coming in

is the signal is red and cross traffic is passing. The evaluation is, according tothe laws, wait. That's your action. That keeps you from getting run over. The

light turns green, the cross traffic stops and you cross. We do this kind of

looping process all the time, adjusting as the results of that action come in.

Notice that in the previous diagram there was a two way flow as actions and

evaluation were compared with the results. In that model if something doesn't

work then the approach is to change strategy/evaluation. This will becomeimportant in the next example.

This loop takes on a different form in the blamer's reality. This is partly

because 'evaluation' is run through a couple of other filters. As long as

everything works out for the blamer, these filters won't necessarily reveal

themselves. For example, both a blamer and a normal person choosing not totry to cross against the light will be working in basically the same model as

above. However, when the action don't work out as planned (1), the simpleaction loop becomes more complex.

This is what could be said to be happening inside the blamer's mind (2) when

his/her behavior does NOT produce the desired results. When negativeconsequences result, it is always

someone or something else's

fault . This creates a one way flow

that serves the purpose to 1)

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protect the blamer's core beliefs,

2) meet the blamer's desires or 3)

in accordance to his/her emotional

state at the time. Realize these

three elements form a complex --

and self-reinforcing -- cocktail. A

cocktail that is beyond the abilityof the authors to explain, except

to say that it both a powerful

motivational force for the blamer

as well as something that he/she

is dedicated to protecting at all

costs. It is the continuation and protection of these 'filters' that leads to the

rest of the process. Let's look at this process staying with the street corneranalogy. Upon arriving at the red right (and despite the cross traffic), theperson decides to cross any way. This is a selfish decision (while there might

be a legitimate reason to cross, most jaywalking really is based in impatience

-- which could be any mix of the cocktail). The results of this action is the

person is struck by an oncoming car.

This is where the blame process kicks in, instead of taking responsibility forhis/her action that had unintended consequences, the blamer begins to find

reasons why he/she should be excused from the repercussions. Repercussions

that the blamer doesn't believe he/she 'deserved.' (Being judgmental of both

self and others is common among blamers). Obviously the blamer will blame

the driver ... let's say for speeding, e.g. If he hadn't been speeding he could

have avoided hitting the blamer. Another way the blamer commonly will try

to avoid taking responsibility for unpleasant results is by telling him/herself

something along the lines of "If my boss wasn't such a nagger about beingback from lunch on time I wouldn't have had to try to cross the street."

Somehow magically it becomes the bosses fault that the blamer got hit by a

car.

But here is where things get squishy, although avoiding external

repercussions would appear to be the motive (e.g. trying to blame the driverfor insurance purposes), the main goal of blaming others is to protect not just

one's own emotions or ego, but apparently one's philosophy. And that is

where this behavior becomes both self-reinforcing and self-perpetuating.

Blame and Selfishness

People who blame others tend to overemphasize themselves while at the

same time underemphasizing the negative effects of their actions. Realizesomething very important here, we didn't say 'overemphasize the effects of

others on them,' we said, overemphasize themselves. Overemphasizing the

negative effects others have on had on them is very much a part of

overemphasizing self. While one cannot state that all blamers have

narcissistic personality disorder, blaming is a common behavior among those

who fall somewhere on the continuum. As it is among other forms of

dysfunction.

However, one doesn't have to be dysfunctional to blame others, often it just

boils down to plain old lazy and selfish.

Like violence, power and so many other words, 'selfish' is another one of those words that covers a whole lot more than just our personal definition.

And yet it is our personal definition that we usually limit ourselves to when

thinking about the subject. Many behaviors are based on self-gratification --

whether overtly or subtly. Many people's actions operate around either

gaining something pleasurable and avoiding something unpleasant -- like

emotions or repercussions. That doesn't necessarily make them selfish,

especially when those motivations are counterbalanced by and adjusted for

other motivations. And yet we all realize that there is a line that someonecrosses where no matter how they rationalize or justify it, someone's internal

dialogue has started singing "It's all about me."

We do not propose to tell you where the line it, but only point out how

incredibly subjective selfishness is. Like violence, it seems that many people's

definition of selfish is "Any level of behavior that is beyond what I am

comfortable using to get what I want." Talk about a slippery issue. Yourbehavior isn't selfish because it's in your comfort level and benefiting you, but

someone who is willing to go further than that, you consider 'selfish.' And yet,

that person is using the same rationalization and thereby believes he/she isn't

being selfish. In the mean time, a third person considers you both selfish.

Does this remind you of the quip about 'anyone driving slower than you is a

moron, anyone driving faster is a dangerous maniac?' It should. This is one of

those subjects that it really seems simple until you look at it ... and then yourealize why morality, ethics and societal conduct have been pondered through

the ages and, at the same time, is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

So knowing that we must be careful of any personal definition of selfishness

and that it is a huge subject beyond the scope of these pages, how do we talk

about selfishness in the context of personal safety and blame? How about

this, for the purposes of this article, we'll define selfishness as a short-term,gratifying (or self-serving) behavior without concern (or consideration) of

long term consequences to oneself or others.

Because that's usually what gets people into immediate trouble.

We all make selfish, self-serving and lazy decisions now and then. Welcome

to being human. However, blamers have a consistent pattern of making lots

and lots of these kinds of short-term decisions. And yes, many of these

people have self-esteem issues (issues that are reinforced by their

behaviors). Their actions tend to revolve around either bolstering themselves

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or deflecting any negative consequence/idea that could further threaten that

self-esteem.

For example, a "blamer" who decides to skip work once too often will

maintain that it was the fact that the boss didn't like her that resulted in her

being fired. She will disavow that her regularly (and for selfish and lazyreasons) opting not to go to work had anything to do with it. Often such a

person will either minimize the amount of time she was absent or try to

spread culpability to others with comments like "well everyone else did it,

too. I didn't do it anymore than anybody else ... the only reason I got fired for

it is because the boss hates me!" (Thereby returning to blame). It should also

be noted that someone who regularly chooses to skip work because they

"don't feel like going in" is also prone to other slipshod habits. This is anothercommon trait of a person who works only to her 'comfort level.' And this is

often the source of the animosity directed at such a person. However, she will

interpret it as persecution -- totally ignoring her contribution to the situation.

A good way to understand how blame works is that such people have "cause-

and-effect radar" that only works one way. The only things that register are

how something affects them and their feelings -- which they use to justifytheir actions. (see the Blamer Diagram above) What isn't picked up is how

their behaviors or words affect others -- or how they are coming across to

others.

The blaming mindset is a slippery slope. One that is difficult to self-recognize

because it is self-reinforcing. In short, you don't know that you are doing itbecause it seems logical and normal. And like high risk behavior that is fun, it

brings you short term benefits. It isn't until you step outside this frame of

reference that you will notice the imbalance in the flow of cause and effect.

How This Attitude Can Get Your Head Blown Off

We wish that were hyperbole. The sad fact is, it isn't an overstatement.

The fact is that a blaming lifestyle can put you into a downhill slide.

Alcoholism and drug addiction are real common results of the constant search

for short term gratification and benefit. So too are dead end jobs where the

blamer is shunted away to cause the least amount of damage possible.

Unhappy, dysfunctional relationships? Saying that and Blamer is basically

repeating oneself. But whether you're talking about long term or short term,the blamer's tendency for selfish actions brings him/her into the view of

predators.

Making numbers up to convey a point, 75% of the people blamers are going

to encounter are not as self-centered as they are. But usually this 75% just

doesn't want anything to do with how this person behaves. That 75% will

actively go out of their way to avoid dealing with an identified blamer or tokeep interactions to a minimum. Once they know a person is a blamer, they'll

say something polite and find some reason to move away or change the topic.

Then comes another 5% of people who are not as self-centered as the

blamer, but doesn't let the blamer get away with his/her selfish behavior

(e.g. a boss who demands the blamer actually do his/her job). The next 10%of the people they are going to be dealing with are people who are as selfish

as themselves. The next 5% are only a little bit more selfish (or are perhaps

better at it than they are). Given these numbers about 75% of the population

is basically going to be background color and noise to these folks. That 20%

however, is the blamer's bread and butter.

These are the people who provide for the trauma-drama in the blamer's life.

They are the ones who not only will provide the blamer opportunity blame,

but the blamer will actively seek them out . In fact, it is this small segment of

the over-all population that blamers deal with almost exclusively in their

lives. In fact, one can say that selfish people often form self-isolating social

circles. That's why we say the majority of the population is just background

color and noise to those of this mindset.

Did you however notice that there is still 5% missing?

Well, now the bad news, this last 5% aren't just more selfish than the blamer,

they are human predators. A good number of them have many of the same

traits as the blamer, but taken to a dangerous extreme. Unlike the blamer,who collects and cherishes wrongs done to him/her, these people will beat,

rape or kill you over a perceived wrong. And like the blamer, feel totally

justified about it. Other predators don't need an excuse, they'll do it just

because they want to. The truly dangerous type are blamers who have

degenerated into addiction and dysfunction and are supporting their addiction

through robbery. While other dangerous types are somewhat predictable,

these kinds are squirrely.

We tell you this because of an important fact, these kinds prowl the same

'selfish social circles' as the less selfish. In fact, it is the less selfish who are

these people's primary prey .

Why should they bother going out hunting when their prey comes to them?

We have a different definition of high risk behavior than most. Our definitionis: Any behavior that puts you into circumstances where violence is probable.

We're not moralizing or saying that having a good time is bad. What we are

saying is that certain self-gratifying lifestyles not only attract the less-selfish

from mainstream who are looking for a good time, but also the dangerouslyselfish from elsewhere. Who are also looking for a good time. Unfortunately,

part of those people's definition of a 'good time' is victimizing the less-selfish.

IF the blamer survives such an encounter from a blame standpoint he/she is

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'fixed for life' that person has now moved from a blamer, to victimhood. All

things considered however, there are easier and more successful life

strategies.

Constant Crisis: Do You Blame Others?

Basically if things keep going wrong in your life, if you keep on findingyourself in chaotic situations, if there is always some kind of crisis going on

or if things "just keep on happening to you" -- you need to do a radar check .

This often entails asking people for an outside perspective -- and then

listening to them. But the old adage of "birds of a feather flock together" also

holds true. You need to ask people outside your circle of close friends andfamily. The reason people are your friends is that you all tend to think alike.

You need to get an outside, objective opinion. It is best to ask professional

counselors, but stable, successful, mature people also are good sources of information.

Unfortunately, when they do this, many people hear things that they don't

want to hear -- that is why they don't normally ask . Odds are, what you aregoing to be told is NOT what you want to do. It is not going to be comfortable.

It is not going to give you benediction for your actions and emotions. This is,

however, a critical perspective to have because it shows you how other

people think and how they perceive you.

And that is going to determine how people will treat you.

Even if you don't agree with what they are saying, ask yourself "what was the

reasoning behind that statement?" Often other people see things that we don't

see -- or, more importantly, don't want to see. If you ask 10 people and eight

of them say the same thing, then there is obviously something that you are

missing.

Now while some people will steadfastly maintain that they have considered allpossibilities, by definition a blind spot is not only an area you can't see, but

one that you don't know you can't see. When eight out of 10 people tell you

something is wrong, something is wrong. If you feel an incredible surge of

internal resistance about what is being said or toward continuing to ask

mature and responsible people for an outside perspective, that too tells yousomething. (If you don't know any stable and reliable people to ask that

should really tell you something).

If you encounter this resistance you must approach the issue from a different

angle. The question then becomes: What would I lose if I did allow myself to

see what I don't want to see? And that is a Pandora's Box question if thereever was one.

From there on you might want to consider trained, licensed, professional

counseling.

Return to top

1)Realize when we use the term 'as planned' we're now talking variables. The

action did not have a) the desired immediate effect, b) it did have the

immediate, short-term effect/benefit but laid the ground for later conflict, c)

went wrong right there. In all of these cases, blame will be used to deflect

responsibility for the resulting effects.Return to Text

2) While many action loops exist and are accepted in psychology/ business/

communication fields (the first action loop is one such) the 'blame loop' we

are presenting is not one of them. This particular model is our own theory

and tool for giving a layman's explanation of the process. Return to Text

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