IDON’TKNOWHOWTOBEAPERSON

I’mnotgoodatinteractingwiththeworld.Infact,I’veneverbeengoodatinteractingwiththeworld.

IthinkIwasbornwithacertaindeadlycombinationoftraitsthatwouldeventuallywindupmakingmesomethingofamisfit.

Whensomeonedoesn’tlikebeingsocial,manypeoplewillassumeit’sbecausetheydon’tlikepeople.Butthat’snotnecessarilythecase.I’mofteneagertoatleasttrytoengage;itjustdoesn’talwaysworkout.

It’snotjustthatI’llblankout.AttimesIcanbelikearobotsufferingaseveremalfunction.Mybrainglitches.AndIknow,Iknow!Everyonedoesthe“youtoo”thingwhenpeoplesay,“Enjoythemovie”or“Enjoyyourmeal.”ButrecentlyIhadabrainglitchthatreallytookthecake.

Theseglitchesareso,sopainful.And,thankstomygoodolebuddyOverThinking,theglitchescontinuetohauntmelongafterthey’vehappened.

OverThinkingwillmakesureI’llnever,ever,forgetthephrase“Onabag.”

DuetotheOverThinkingandwhatnot,Itendtomisunderstandtheworld’ssignals.Ihavetroubletakingthingsatfacevalue,andoftenjumpdramaticallytoconclusionsthatusuallyaren’ttrue.

Butatthesametime,Ithinktheworldmisreadsme.OneofthefirstcommentsIoverheardaboutmyappearancewas“shehasrestingbitchface.”Whichwasabigsurprisetohear.InsideIfeelasharmlessandbubblyasapuppy.

Ialsothinkthattheworlddoesn’thearmesometimes.Literally!Apparently,Ihaveaveryquietvoice,evenifitdoesn’tsoundsoquietinmyhead.

Sosocialinteractionscanbeveryexhaustingforsomeonelikeme.IknowI’mnotalone.Socialexhaustionissomethingmanyintroverted,shy,oranxiouspeopleoftensuffer.ButI’malsolearningthatifyouisolateyourselftoomuch,soonenough,you’llgetisolationexhaustiontoo.

That’swhyI’vebeentryingtofindabalance.

Ingeneral,I’vebeentryingtosayyestomorethings.It’snoteasywhenyou’vebeenmakingexcusesallyourlife.

Totonedownmyanxiety,I’malsotryingtobemoreselectiveaboutwhat’sactuallyworthworryingabout;asortofenforcedapathytocombattheOverThinking.Imagineasuperherowhosesuperpoweristheabilitytosay,“Idon’tcare.”

ThisishowIwouldapplythe“Idon’tcare”powerinreallife.Take,forexample,awkwardsilences.I’vebeenremindingmyselfthattheyreallyaren’tabigdeal,andtheyhappentoeverybody.Anawkwardsilencehereorthereisn’ttheendoftheworld.

See?Notsobad!I’malsotryingtoworkonmyconversationskills.Here’swhatI’velearnedconversationisn’t:stayingcompletelysilentuntilsomeonebringsupanobscurefactIknoweverythingabout,andthenexplodingintotheconversation.

IspendalotoftimeonWikipediaresearchingrandomtopics.Butlet’strythatagain.

IthinkthemostimportantthingI’velearned,however,isthatbeingsocialissupposedtobefun.ItendtoforgetthiswhenI’mcurledupinaball,aloneinmyroom,avoidingeverything.I’mtryingtorememberthatthepointofseeingfriendsistoenjoytheircompany,notworryabouttheireveryopinionoreverysmallmisstepItake.

I’mnotsureI’lleverfullygetridoftherobotglitches,ortheOverThinking,ordramaticallyjumpingtoconclusions.ButI’mlearninghowtohavefunanyway,despitethem.

Eveniftheystilloccasionallyappearuninvited.

SADIE(HowILearnedtoGetOverMyself

andLoveCats)

Ihaveaproblemwithlikingthingsthatarereallypopular.It’snotatraitI’mproudof,butit’soneI’vealwayshad.Deepdown,I’mpositiveIwasbornacynical,popular-thing-hatingsoul.

Thissamelogicappliedtocats.Everybodyseemedtolovethem,especiallyontheInternet.Loggingonlinefeltlikeloggingintoacat-lovingcult.

What’smore,catsdidn’tparticularlyseemtolikeme.OneofmyfriendshadablackcatnamedStormy,andwedefinitelydidn’tvibewell.

Ialsodidn’treallyunderstandwhatitwasthatcatsdidthatmadethemsogreat.FromwhatIgathered,theysataroundthehouseandoccasionallyknockedthingsdown.Andpeoplephotographedtheircatsdoingthis.Ohboy,didtheyphotograph.

IalwaysimaginedthatcatsweretheParisHiltonsofthepetworld:Theydidn’tquitedeservealltheattentionbuttheygotitanyway.

Frankly,Ididn’teverthinkI’downacat.Butthatwassoontochangewhen,allofasudden,mytworoommatesandIhadamouseproblem.

Itstartedoutverysmall(one-small-mousesmall).Inhindsight,ourbigmistakewasthatwedidn’tjusttakecareofitthen.Yousee,myroommatesandIareallbiganimalrightspeople.Allthreeofusarevegetarians.Andcollectively,weagreedthatwewouldavoidkillingthemouseatallcosts.

Onemousequicklybecamemanymice.Butwestillcouldn’tkillthem.Weboughthumanetraps,whichcompletelybackfired,becausethisiswhathappened:

Weekswentby,anditgotcompletelyoutofcontrol.Westartedusinginsanehomeremediesoutofourdesperationnottobuylethaltraps.Inoneinstance,wesprayeddowntheentireapartmentwithpeppermint.

Wemightaswellhavebeendoingthis:

Asourmouseproblemwasincreasing,asolutionappeared.MymomhadjustadoptedakittenbecausehercatJessiewasdepressedandneededcompany.

Tous,akittenseemedliketheperfecthumanesolution.Youngkittensaren’ttrained,experiencedhuntersyet.Butmaybejusthavingacat’sscentintheapartmentwouldscaremiceaway.Itwasanaturalremedythat(hopefully)wouldn’thurtanyanimals.Iconvincedmymomtoletustakethekittenforamonth.

Thekitten’snamewasSadie.Iwenttopickherup,expectingthesamemutuallysuspiciousencounterI’dhadwithmostcatsbefore.ButwhenIwalkedintotheroom...shewasso...tiny.Andherpawsweresosoftand...squishy!Andhermeowsweresohigh-pitchedandcute!Andshewasso...nice!

Ibroughthertomyapartment,andmyroommateslovedhertoo.OnethingthatimmediatelysurprisedmeaboutSadiewashowsocialshewas.Wewouldsitaroundtheapartmentchattingandshewouldsitwithus,lookingatusintentlyandlistening.AndIwassurprisedathowmuchshelikedme!Acathadneverlikedmebefore.ButSadieactuallyspentmostofhertimetryingtobenearme.

Astheweekswentby,myaffectionforhergrew.Seeingherjustlyingaroundinthesunwasthecutestthingintheworldtome.Andjustasshealwaystriedtobenearme,Ialwaystriedtobenearher.Shemademebehaveinstrangeways.

Ihadneverunderstoodthenumberofphotographspeopletookoftheircats.ButSadiewassospecial,soextremelyprecious,thatIneededtodocumentherfabulousness.

Andshedidgetridofthemice.Onetime,sheactuallycaughtamouse,andweallwatchedinhorror.Butmypredictionturnedouttobetrue:Pure,naïvekittenSadiedidn’tkillthemouse.Itgotaway;myroommatesandIbreathedasighofrelief.Andafterthat,themiceneverreturned.Wesharedablissfulmonthinwhichallofourproblemswerereplacedbyacuteandcuddlyballofjoy.

However,myagreementwithmymomwasthatIcouldkeepSadieforamonth.Attheendofthemonth,asinafairytale,shedemandedSadieback.Afterall,thewholereasonshegotSadiewasforJessie,andJessiewaslonelierbytheday.Irespondedtomymom’sperfectlylegitimaterequestinhorror.

Shewasright.Ihadtogiveherback.I’mnocat-napper.ButIhadn’tbeenpreparedforallthefeelingsIhadtowardSadie.

Themiceweregone,andsowasSadie.MuchasIwasn’tpreparedtofeelaffectiontowardherinthefirstplace,Ialsowasn’tpreparedtofeelassadasIdidwhensheleft.Ididn’trealizehowmuchacatcanbecomeentwinedwithyourdailylife.Iwokeupwithher,workedwhileshenappednexttome,andstruggledtoeatmealsassheattemptedtostealfoodfromme.ShewasasmallfriendIbrieflysharedmylifewith.Hertinypresencemadethatshorttimesomuchmorejoyful.Whenshewentbacktolivewithmymom,myroomsuddenlyfeltveryempty.

ButSadiechangedmylifeforthebetter.I’verealizedmyopinionsaboutthingscanradicallychange.Forexample,I’dneverthoughtI’dbethisperson:

Likingcatshasmademylifemuchmoreenjoyable.AndmaybethismeansIcanlearntostartlikingotherthingsthatarepopulartoo.

We’llsee!

(Forthosewhoarecurious,SadieandJessiearecurrentlylivingtogetherinpeace.Jessie’snotdepressedanymore.)

THESWEATERTHIEFIamsmallerthantheaveragehuman,andasaresult,Iamcoldmorefrequentlythanmostofmypeers.Ifyou’renotan“alwayscold”person,thenI’msureyou’veencounteredoneofthembefore.

Thishasbeenaproblemformyentirelife.Itgetsespeciallybadinthewinter,whenI’mfrequentlytoocoldtoevenleavemybed.Andwhenit’sabsolutelynecessarytoleaveoutofsheersurvival,Itrytotakemybedwithme.

Theclosestsociallyacceptablethingtocarryingabedaroundwithmeisalarge,comfysweater.Butitgoesbeyondmyneedforwarmth.Iconsidermyselfasweaterconnoisseurinthesamewaysomeonewouldconsiderherselfawineexpertoranartaficionado;tomeeachsweaterisdifferent,unique.Somearegreat;manyaresubpar.

Findingthesweetspotisharderthanyoumightthink.Therearealotofbadsweatersinthisworld.

Asifthatweren’tbadenough,goodsweatersforwomenareevenhardertofind.

AllthisiswhyI’mathiefofsweaters...men’ssweaters,thatis.Andbeingaconnoisseur,Ican’ttakejustanysweater.Itneedstocomefromtherightperson.

Consideranartthief.Tohim,whatmakesapaintingworthstealingisn’tnecessarilyaestheticbeautybutthevaluethatcomesfromitsage,rarity,and,ofcourse,associationwithaspecificartist.ThedifferencebetweenthewayanartthiefseesapaintingandthewayIseeasweateristhatnoonebutmerecognizesasweater’struevalue.

I’llgoevenfurtherandsaythatIhaveprettygoodtasteinsweaters,evenbetterthanmanyoftheso-calledoldmastersdidintheirart.Orifnotbetter,atleastalittlemore...diverse.Morewell-rounded.

Goodthingwedon’tliveinthosetimesanymore!

Soanyway,backtosweaters!

Abeaten-upsweaterwornbytherightpersonisaspricelesstomeasaMonet.Pricelessbecauseit’sbeenwornbytheMonet,theoneandonly,noother.

That’swhyIonlystealmysweatersfromtherightperson.ThepersonIreally,reallylike.Inapainfulway.

Ittakesaveryspecialsomeonetoevokethatlevelofemotioninme.

Theclothesyoutakefromsomeonealmostalwayssmelllikethem.Smellissoimportant.Pheromonesarepowerfulandaddictive.Whensomeonesmellsgood,mylizardbraininstinctskickin.

It’snotjustthedelicioussmell.PuttingonasweaterfromtherightpersoninstantlytransportsmetoallthefeelingsIhavewhenI’mwiththatperson.

Butacquiringthesweaterisadifferentstory.Letmeclarify.Iamnotasweaterborrower.Iamasweaterthief.Ibelongtoalonglineofartfraudstersandforgers.Thoughadmittedly,artfraudhasgottenalittleeasierovertheyears.

Myownthefttechniqueisacarefulgameofmisinterprationandwillfulignorance.WhensomeonetellsmeIcanuseasweaterfortheday,littledotheyknowtheyaretransferringownershipofthatsweaterovertome.Forever.

UsuallytheystarttocatchontowhatI’mactuallydoing.

Butbythenit’stoolate.

BythetimetheyrealizewhatI’vebeendoing,they’vebeenlivinginaseaofliesforfartoolong.

Becauseifanythingisguaranteedinarelationshipwithme,it’sthatIwon’teverstopbeingasweaterthief.

SarahAndersenisayoungcartoonistandillustratorwholivesinBrooklyn.She’sactuallyreallycoolandcollectedinreallife.Definitely.

copyright©2017bySarahAndersen.Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybeusedorreproducedinanymannerwhatsoeverwithoutwrittenpermissionexceptinthecaseofreprintsinthe

contextofreviews.

AndrewsMcMeelPublishingadivisionofAndrewsMcMeelUniversal

1130WalnutStreet,KansasCity,Missouri64106

www.andrewsmcmeel.com

ISBN:978-1-4494-8547-4

LibraryofCongressControlNumber:2016951399

Editor:GraceSuhArtdirectoranddesigner:DianeMarsh

Productioneditor:ErikaKusterProductionmanager:TamaraHaus

Ebookdeveloper:KristenMinterATTENTION:SCHOOLSANDBUSINESSES

AndrewsMcMeelbooksareavailableatquantitydiscountswithbulkpurchaseforeducational,business,orsalespromotionaluse.Forinformation,pleasee-mailtheAndrewsMcMeelPublishing

SpecialSalesDepartment:specialsales@amuniversal.com.

Sharingyourthoughtscanhelpusimproveourebooks.Wewouldappreciateyourfeedback.Thankyou!

ebooks@amuniversal.com

CheckouttheseothergreattitlesfromAndrewsMcMeelPublishing!

OceanofPDF.com