better responses when in conflict
TRANSCRIPT
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when parties with contrasting goals
come in contact with one another
Conflict Occurs
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“Conflict is a lotlike water—
it spills over;
it flows downhill;
and if leftunchecked,
it erodes whatever
it touches. And sometimes, like red wine,
it stains.”
— Jason Fried
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“Fear often underminesour abilities…
robs us of our potential….destroys our strength.”
—Harry Jackson
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We want to be liked. (“Leadership is about doing the right thing, not the easy thing.”) –Volkema
We don’t have hope it could turn out well—waste of time/energy
It could escalate and bite us.
We feel we are not good at these talks.
Why else?
“We would rather harbor resentment than risk rejection.” –Jim Putnam
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“Misery loves company.”10-80-10 example
!@##__#
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If you sweep enoughunder the rug, it becomes
a tripping hazard.
!@##__#
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4X to Have a Crucial Confrontation
1. When you are acting out your feelings-unhealthy signals.
2. Your conscience is nagging you to step up to the plate
3. You’re downplaying the cost of not taking action while exaggerating the danger of speaking up.
4. You figure that nothing you do will help: they are impossible to talk to.
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“An ounce of action is wortha ton of theory.” –Fredrich Engels
You have to be convinced that the
consequences of staying the same are
worse than what could be on the other
side of this confrontation.
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How to get what you want with
different Approaches
Person A and Person B
Communication Exercise
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5 APPROACHESfor Resolving Conflict
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If you lose your cool, the issue will now be about your reaction,
not their inappropriate behavior.
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“In a multitude of counselorsthere is safety.”
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Do you have a conflict to deal with right now?
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“When I contemplate the
reactional criticismsof hostile people, I can become
paralyzed with fear.
If I try to offend no one and please everyone, I won’t be effective.”
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“What happens is not as important as how you
react to what happens.”
–Thaddeus Golas
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Tough on the problem, soft on the person.
How do we add/detract valuefrom people in conversations?
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The Fool’s Choice is to
CHOOSE to PRESERVE
the relationship
OR
RESOLVE the ISSUE.
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Hurting people
hurt other people.
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Creating a Safer Situation
Show them how you specifically understand how they feel.
Find a place to agree with them.
Make sure you are using “I statements…”
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PushingMy Buttons
Diffusing
Role Play
The goal is to getthe monkey off your
back when they throwhim there,
and back onto their back by the conclusion
of the interaction.
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• “You are singling me out, when everyone else is doing it, too.”
• “C’mon. This isn’t the big deal that you are making it. I screwed up one timeand you smash me.”
• “That’s ridiculous. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
• “If you’d lead differently, I’d behave differently.”
• “Everyone else thinks it’s stupid that you enforce this rule.”
PushingMy Buttons
Diffusing
Role Play
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You are trying to
getthe person to
stop yellingat the
closed door
(their pastpattern of behaviorthat will no longer
be tolerated)
and look for the open door (a new pattern they can commit to).
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“From caring comes courage.”
–LaoTzu
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STAR:Specific
Target +Action they did +Result it caused
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Make aComplaint
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MT:(Manager Tools)
“May I give you some feedback?
When you __________ (negative or
positive behavior), it demonstrates
_______________ (negative/positive
consequence to the team/company).
Would you please work on
changing that?”
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PRACTICE:
“Your direct report is being a wet blanket
whenever a new idea is presented in your
team meetings. He/she interrupts the
person offering the idea, immediately
shoots at the idea with comments of why
it won’t work, rolls his/her eyes and gives
other negative body language, then checks
out during the ensuing discussion.”
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“Being heard is so close to
being loved that for the
average person, they are
almost indistinguishable.”
–David Augsberger
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Drive resolution down to the lowest level.
LEAD:Listen…Empathize…Apologize….Discuss
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Life Coaching & Professional Development
Certified Life Coach
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Bottom Line:
Be a plow, not a bulldozer,
in resolving conflict!