bereavement for beginners - coping with death, grief and loss · no one’s death comes to pass...

Bereavement For Beginners

Foreword ........................................................................................................................ 1 A final tribute: writing and delivering a eulogy........................................................... 3 25 poems, quotations and readings ............................................................................ 5

Be Swift To Love.......................................................................................................... 5 Borrowed Hope ............................................................................................................ 5 Brief Our Days ............................................................................................................. 6 The Cost ...................................................................................................................... 6 Crossing The Bar ......................................................................................................... 6 Death Is Nothing At All ................................................................................................. 7 Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep......................................................................... 7 Elegy............................................................................................................................ 8 Farewell, Sweet Dust ................................................................................................... 8 Give Sorrow Words...................................................................................................... 9 Good Night! Good Night!.............................................................................................. 9 In Spring....................................................................................................................... 9 It Is Not Growing Like A Tree ..................................................................................... 10 Let Us Offer Them Back............................................................................................. 10 Loss ........................................................................................................................... 10 Make Me Brave For Life............................................................................................. 11 No Funeral Gloom...................................................................................................... 11 Non Nobis Tantum Nati.............................................................................................. 11 On Dying .................................................................................................................... 12 Remember Me When I Am Gone Away ..................................................................... 12 A Song Of Living ........................................................................................................ 13 from Surviving Death ................................................................................................. 13 To Everything There Is A Season .............................................................................. 14 To Those I Love ......................................................................................................... 14 We Bereaved Are Not Alone ...................................................................................... 15

Everything you never wanted to know about grief ................................................... 16 Death and grief: when will you start to feel better? .................................................... 16 What needs to be done immediately following a death .............................................. 17 How to write an obituary or death notice.................................................................... 19 Saying goodbye: how to plan a funeral service.......................................................... 20 Traditional or alternative funerals: a matter of choice ................................................ 21 Sound of the soul: how to choose music for a funeral................................................ 23 What determines the cost of a funeral? ..................................................................... 25 How to choose sympathy flowers............................................................................... 26 Message from the heart: writing a sympathy card...................................................... 27 Death certificates: a little knowledge reduces stress.................................................. 29 Tying up loose ends: settling the deceased’s estate.................................................. 30 Where there’s a will, there’s a lawyer: probate law demystified ................................. 32

12 constructive ways to help others grieve and remember..................................... 34 Helping others, helping yourself: a loved one’s legacy........................................... 35 10 strategies for coping with grief ............................................................................. 36 How else can we help you? ........................................................................................ 38

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Foreword

If you are at the beginning, take heart; there is evolution...

Bereavement for Beginners is a practical guide to surviving grief for anyone who is new to the process. Whether you are

• at the start of your own journey into the uncharted territory of bereavement, or

• you want to comfort a friend or family member who has been bereaved, but you just don’t know how or where to start,

this guide was created for you… We, the voices behind The Light Beyond, are all too familiar with grief. We have faced the unique fear of knowing that someone we loved was going to die soon. Our hearts have ached with loneliness and shattered dreams following the loss of a spouse or partner. We’ve felt lost as we tried to imagine how our lives would go on. We’ve reeled in shock and horror at the violent and senseless death of someone close to us. We’ve known the unspeakable sorrow of the death of a child. We’ve been comforted by the loving concern of those who helped us through our mourning – and we, in turn, have consoled others whose hearts are breaking. We’ve struggled with the confusion of the financial and legal chaos that sometimes follows the death of a family member. And while we, too, have experienced the rage, desolation and despair of bereavement, we also know the hope and healing that comes with the passage of time. This is why we believe we have something to offer you. We want to be with you in your grief and to assure you that this, too, will pass. The weeks and months ahead will bring waves of strong and sometimes conflicting emotions. This is normal – you cannot avoid or limit the process. The key is to realize and remember that you are not alone in your grief.

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The articles in this guide offer practical advice on how to manage the business details as well as the emotional and spiritual issues that arise when someone close to you dies. The poems and inspirational readings from some of the greatest writers of all time will console you in their wisdom and truth. We are so sorry for your loss, and we hope that you will identify with the messages conveyed in this guide. May you find comfort in the tender kinship of those who have walked the path of bereavement before you.

Lucie Storrs Creator of The Light Beyond Please give this guide to a friend or relative It is our mission in life to be as helpful as we can to as many people as possible, so if you can think of anyone else who may benefit from reading this guide, please do pass it on to them together with our very best wishes. You are also welcome to print it out and distribute it to others, although you may not alter it in any way or charge a fee. Would you like your own electronic copy? If you have been given a printed copy of Bereavement For Beginners and would like to have your own electronic copy of the guide, visit our website at www.thelightbeyond.com and click on the sign-up box at the top right of each page. It’s completely free. Copyright Some of the poems and readings in this guide are in the public domain. Every effort has been made to contact the rights holders for the others. We are not claiming copyright for these works. However, the remaining text and graphics in Bereavement For Beginners are all Copyright © 2007 The Light Beyond.


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A final tribute: writing and delivering a eulogy

No one’s death comes to pass without making some impression, and those close to the deceased inherit part of the liberated soul

and become richer in their humanness.

Hermann Broch (1886-1951) Central to the funeral and concluding the public grieving period following a death is the eulogy, a funeral speech about the person who died. The purpose of the eulogy is to pay tribute to the deceased as a distinct individual, with unique talents and gifts, who will live on in the memories of the people who loved him. The eulogy allows family and friends to say goodbye to their loved one and acknowledge the gift they shared in being touched by his life. Although being asked to give a eulogy is truly an honor, if you’re the one who’s been chosen, you may find yourself feeling anxious about the task before you. Perhaps you’re not accustomed to public speaking, and the mere thought of speaking in front of a crowd makes you nervous. Or maybe you’re unsure of your ability to manage your emotions as you share your memories of your loved one. While such responses are fairly common, there’s really no cause for worry. The audience for your funeral speech couldn’t be more sympathetic and welcoming, and your deep feelings for the person who died will make the eulogy powerful. You won’t be expected to express the thoughts and feelings of everyone present, nor to give a detailed account of the life of the deceased. All you have to do is write and talk from your heart, and let your audience identify with your memories and emotions. A word about content The most defining characteristic of a good eulogy is that it is personal. Include in your eulogy the memories and anecdotes that best describe the deceased from your perspective. Try to avoid talking about the details of the death, and focus instead on the life of the deceased. Acknowledge the important people and achievements in his life. If you find meaning in a poem, reading, or quote that reminds you of your loved one, consider sharing it in your eulogy. People often wonder whether it’s proper to include humor in a eulogy. Humor in good taste relieves stress and anxiety, and it’s almost certain to be welcomed by the funeral guests. Think about your favorite memories of the people you love – chances are many of those memories are based on funny events. Be sure, though, not to include anything that may offend or embarrass. If you have any doubt about a particular story you’d like to share, get the honest opinion of someone else who is close to the family.


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The following tips will guide you through the process of writing and delivering the eulogy. Writing the eulogy • Focus. Don’t let worry about delivering the eulogy interfere with writing it. Let go of

your fear for now, and focus on the life of the person who died and what you want to tell friends and family about her.

• Reflect. Before you start to write, choose a setting that is conducive to creative thought, such as a park or a candlelit room, and take a half-hour to reflect on your loved one.

• Capture your thoughts. Freely jot down your thoughts, memories, stories, and feelings. Don’t censor yourself at this point.

• Seek inspiration. Listening to music or looking at pictures can bring a flood of ideas. Inspirational quotes and sympathy poems may spark creative thought or provide material to share in your eulogy. Ask others to share their favorite memories of the deceased with you.

• Draft. Write the eulogy from start to finish. Remember, this is a draft – let your ideas flow. Then walk away from your work for at least a couple of hours.

• Polish and edit. Review your work. Read the eulogy aloud to yourself. Listen to how your ideas flow, and correct any awkward constructions. Also, look for opportunities to use more precise, descriptive words to convey your thoughts and feelings.

Delivering the eulogy • Get feedback. Have someone else listen as you read the eulogy two or three times.

The first time, ask for feedback, then read the eulogy again after revising. Being prepared is one of the most effective ways to alleviate anxiety.

• Relax and deliver the eulogy. Talk to your audience as if you were all seated in your living room. If you feel nervous at first, stop and take a deep breath. Likewise, if you find yourself overcome by emotion, take a moment to compose yourself. Try to make eye contact with your audience.

Your eulogy is a loving gift to your fellow mourners, and it will be remembered by many for years to come. By sharing your honest, heart-felt thoughts and memories about your friend or family member who died, you will help to begin the process of healing that lies ahead for the living.



25 poems, quotations and readings Feel free to use any of these poems, quotations or readings at funerals, memorial services, in sympathy cards, letters of condolence or anywhere else. Just reading them may also prove beneficial when you are struggling to make sense of it all. If you find them helpful and would like more to choose from, you might consider buying our ebook Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep: over 250 poems, quotations and readings for funerals, memorial services and inner peace. It is available for instant download from our website, www.thelightbeyond.com. Be Swift To Love Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us. Oh, be swift to love, make haste to be kind! Henri Frédéric Amiel (1821-1881) Borrowed Hope Lend me your hope for a while, I seem to have mislaid mine. Lost and hopeless feelings accompany me daily. Pain and confusion are my companions. I know not where to turn. Looking ahead to the future times Does not bring forth images of renewed hope. I see mirthless times, pain-filled days, and more tragedy. Lend me your hope for a while, I seem to have mislaid mine. Hold my hand and hug me, Listen to all my ramblings. I need to unleash the pain and let it tumble out. Recovery seems so far and distant, The road to healing, a long and lonely one. Stand by me. Offer me your presence, Your ears and your love. Acknowledge my pain, it is so real and ever present. I am overwhelmed with sad and conflicting thoughts. Lend me your hope for a while. A time will come when I will heal, And I will lend my renewed hope to others. Eloise Cole (unknown-2005)




Brief Our Days Brief our days, but long for singing, When to sing is made our call. For a million stars now flinging Light upon this earthly ball. In a setting of what splendor Are we given chance to render Tribute for the whirling sky Where we live and where we die. Kenneth Patton (1911-1994) The Cost Death is not too high a price to pay for having lived. Mountains never die, nor do the seas or rocks or endless sky. Through countless centuries of time, they stay eternal, deathless. Yet they never live! If choice there were, I would not hesitate to choose mortality. Whatever Fate demanded in return for life I’d give, for, never to have seen the fertile plains nor heard the winds nor felt the warm sun on sands beside the salty sea, nor touched the hands of those I love – without these, all the gains of timelessness would not be worth one day of living and of loving; come what may. Dorothy N. Monroe (dates unknown) Crossing The Bar Sunset and evening star, And one clear call for me! And may there be no moaning of the bar, When I put out to sea. But such a tide as moving seems asleep, Too full for sound and foam, When that which drew from out the boundless deep Turns again home.


Twilight and evening bell, And after that the dark! And may there be no sadness of farewell, When I embark; For tho’ from out our bourne of Time and Place The flood may bear me far, I hope to see my Pilot face to face When I have crost the bar. Alfred, Lord Tennyson (1809-1892) Death Is Nothing At All Death is nothing at all. It does not count. I have only slipped away into the next room. Nothing has happened. Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I, and you are you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by the old familiar name. Speak of me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absolute and unbroken continuity… Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner. All is well. Nothing is past; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before – only better, infinitely happier and forever – we will all be one together in Christ. Henry Scott Holland (1847-1918) Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep Do not stand at my grave and weep. I am not there; I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow; I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain; I am the gentle autumn’s rain. Do not stand at my grave and mourn. I am the dew-flecked grass at dawn. Where tranquil oceans meet the land I am the footprints in the sand To guide you through the weary day. I am still here; I’ll always stay.


When you wake up to morning’s hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there; I did not die. Original attributed to Mary Elizabeth Frye 1905-2004; the middle verse was added by Lucie Storrs. Copyright 2007 Lucie Storrs www.thelightbeyond.com; if you reproduce it, please state the source. Elegy Since I lost you, my darling, the sky has come near, And I am of it, the small sharp stars are quite near, The white moon going among them like a white bird among snow-berries, And the sound of her gently rustling in heaven like a bird I hear. And I am willing to come to you now, my dear, As a pigeon lets itself off from a cathedral dome To be lost in the haze of the sky, I would like to come, And be lost out of sight with you, and be gone like foam. For I am tired, my dear, and if I could lift my feet, My tenacious feet from off the dome of the earth To fall like a breath within the breathing wind Where you are lost, what rest, my love, what rest! D. H. Lawrence (1885-1930) Farewell, Sweet Dust Now I have lost you, I must scatter All of you on the air henceforth; Not that to me it can ever matter But it’s only fair to the rest of the earth. Now especially, when it is winter And the sun’s not half as bright as it was, Who wouldn’t be glad to find a splinter That once was you, in the frozen grass? Snowflakes, too, will be softer feathered, Clouds, perhaps, will be whiter plumed; Rain, whose brilliance you caught and gathered, Purer silver have resumed.



Farewell, sweet dust; I never was a miser: Once, for a minute, I made you mine: Now you are gone, I am none the wiser But the leaves of the willow are as bright as wine. Elinor Wylie (1885-1928) Give Sorrow Words Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak Whispers the o’er-fraught heart, and bids it break. William Shakespeare (1564-1616) Good Night! Good Night! Good-night! good-night! as we so oft have said Beneath this roof at midnight, in the days That are no more, and shall no more return. Thou hast but taken up thy lamp and gone to bed; I stay a little longer, as one stays To cover up the embers that still burn. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) In Spring If I should die (and die I must) please let it be in spring When I, and life up-budding, shall be one And green and lovely things shall blend with all I was And all I hope to be. The chemistry Of miracle within the heart of love and life abundant Shall be mine, and I shall pluck the star-dust and shall know The mystery within the blade And sing the wind’s song in the softness of the flowered glade. April is the time for parting, not because all nature’s tears Presage the blooming time of May But joyous should be death and its adventure As the night gives way to the day. George C. Whitney (1842-1915)


It Is Not Growing Like A Tree It is not growing like a tree In bulk, doth make man better be; Or standing long an oak, three hundred year, To fall a log, at last, dry, bald, and sere: A lily of a day Is fairer far in May, Although it fall, and die that night; It was the plant and flower of light. In small proportions we just beauties see: And in short measures life may perfect be. Ben Jonson (1572-1637) Let Us Offer Them Back All love that binds and holds and coerces and refuses to let go destroys and consumes. A parent must set his child free; a couple must be free to choose to love each other every day till death parts them. When death comes, let them go. It might be helpful to think of this as an offering. They have been given to us – free gifts: love, husbands, wives, children, colleagues, fellow workers, members of a common life. As they have been given to us, let us offer them back… If we are Christians we offer them back to God… Each successive bereavement can bring greater gentleness, less passion to possess things or prestige or power, an abiding courage, a grounding in life unseen and eternal that cannot be shaken, a willingness not to have your own way all the time, a sense… that pain somehow brings greater power than even knowledge, a realization that the deepest satisfactions are in a peace and joy that the world can neither give nor take away, that all life finally is grace. John B. Coburn (dates unknown) Loss For one extinguished light Of Love, all heaven is night; For one frail flower the less, The world a wilderness. John Banister Tabb (1845-1909)


Make Me Brave For Life God, make me brave for life: oh, braver than this. Let me straighten after pain, as a tree straightens after the rain, Shining and lovely again. God, make me brave for life; much braver than this. As the blown grass lifts, let me rise From sorrow with quiet eyes, Knowing Thy way is wise. God, make me brave, life brings Such blinding things. Help me to keep my sight; Help me to see aright That out of dark comes light. Author unknown No Funeral Gloom No funeral gloom, my dears, when I am gone, Corpse-gazing, tears, black raiment, graveyard grimness. Think of me as withdrawn into the dimness, Yours still, you mine. Remember all the best Of our past moments and forget the rest; And so to where I wait, come gently on. William Allingham (1824-1889) Non Nobis Tantum Nati Though I am dead, grieve not with tears; Think not of death with sorrowing and fears; I am so near that every tear you shed Touches me, although you think me dead. But when you laugh and sing in glad delight, Thy soul is lifted upwards to the height, And I, though dead, will share your joy in living. Author unknown


On Dying I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud on the horizon, just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says, ‘There she goes!’ Gone where? Gone from my sight... that is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, ‘There she goes!’ there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: ‘Here she comes!’ This is how I see and understand death. Henry Scott Holland (1847-1918) Remember Me When I Am Gone Away Remember me when I am gone away, Gone far away into the silent land; When you can no more hold me by the hand, Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay. Remember me when no more day by day You tell me of our future that you planned. Only remember me; you understand It will be too late to counsel then or pray. Yet if you should forget me for a while And afterwards remember, do not grieve; For if the darkness and corruption leave A vestige of the thoughts that once I had, Better by far you should forget and smile Than that you should remember and be sad. Christina Rossetti (1830-1894)


A Song Of Living Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die. I have sent up my gladness on wings, to be lost in the blue of the sky. I have run and leaped with the rain, I have taken the wind to my breast. My cheek like a drowsy child to the face of the earth I have pressed. Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die. I have kissed young Love on the lips, I have heard his song to the end. I have struck my hand like a seal in the loyal hand of a friend. I have known the peace of heaven, the comfort of work done well. I have longed for death in the darkness and risen alive out of hell. Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die. I give a share of my soul to the world, when and where my course is run. I know that another shall finish the task I must surely leave undone. I know that no flower, no flint was in vain on the path I trod. As one looks on a face through a window, through life I have looked on God. Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die. Amelia Josephine Burr (1878-1968) from Surviving Death We do not recover from the death of a loved one. In fact, we never recover from that death in the same way we recover from an illness or broken limb. It will always be a part of us – always – and to suggest otherwise is unrealistically and harshly to imply that we somehow “get over” the feelings about the event or stop experiencing painful reminiscences of the loved one or the death. A much more accurate metaphor is represented in the old Carole King song “Tapestry.” My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue An everlasting vision of the ever-changing view A wondrous woven magic in bits of blue and gold A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold. In fact our lives are “tapestries,” and the death of a loved one is a ripping, gaping, bleeding hole in the very midst of that tapestry of our life. How, then, is the tapestry rewoven? It does not, with the mere passage of time, magically pull itself back together. Rather, it is rewoven only with the initiative, energy, and strength of the survivor reaching in and grasping the torn ends of threads, painfully pulling them back and tying them together. And it is rewoven only with those persons around the survivor cutting threads from their own tapestries and bringing them to the survivor, with love and support and caring and tears and strength, helping to further tie the threads and fill in the gaping hole.


So, eventually, the tapestry is rewoven. But that “glitch” is always there, the roughness of that reweaving is, and always will be, apparent. In fact it may be twenty years from now, as the survivor reviews the tapestry of his or her life, or is in a particular setting, or hears a song on the radio, or remembers a special day of the month, that the rewoven seam is seen and felt again, and the survivor remembers and cries, or feels sad, or is touched by the love and caring expressed by those whose threads are apparent there – and that is perfectly normal. We do not recover from a death, but when we allow others to help, we can reweave our tapestry. Charles Meyer (1947-2000); with the kind permission of the publishers, www.23rdpublications.com To Everything There Is A Season To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die… A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance… A time to gain, And a time to lose… Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 To Those I Love If I should ever leave you whom I love To go along the silent way, Grieve not, Nor speak of me with tears, But laugh and talk of me As if I were beside you there. (I’d come – I’d come, could I but find a way! But would not tears and grief be barriers?) And when you hear a song or See a bird I loved, Please do not let the thought of me be sad... For I am loving you just as I always have... You were so good to me! There are so many things I wanted still to do – So many things to say to you...


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Remember that I did not fear… It was just leaving you that was so hard to face... We cannot see beyond... But this I know: I love you so – ’twas heaven here with you! Isla Paschal Richardson (1886-1971) We Bereaved Are Not Alone We bereaved are not alone… When it seems that our sorrow is too great to be borne, let us think of the great family of the heavy-hearted into which our grief has given us entrance, and inevitably, we will feel about us their arms, their sympathy, their understanding. Believe, when you are most unhappy, that there is something for you to do in the world. So long as you can sweeten another’s pain, life is not in vain. Helen Keller (1880-1968)

Did you know about The Light Beyond’s range of practical ebooks aimed at helping people through bereavement, one step at a time?

If There’s Anything I Can Do… how to help someone who has been bereaved It is awful when someone you love goes through the pain of bereavement. You feel distraught and completely unable to help. You can't take away the grief, but we reveal many things you can do to make everyday life more bearable for them. The book is full of little ways - and big ways - you can help someone you care about cope that little bit better.

Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep: over 250 funeral poems, quotations and readings If you found these poems and readings helpful and would like more to choose from, there are more than ten times as many in our ebook, one of the most comprehensive and thoughtful books of poems, quotations and readings available today. Whoever you have lost, this book will help you find the words to express your sorrow.


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Everything you never wanted to know about grief These articles are all taken from our extensive grief library which aims to provide free, practical and immediately useful information for people who have suffered the pain of bereavement. We have many more articles than the ones shown here. Why not visit our website, www.thelightbeyond.com, to see which others may be relevant to you? Death and grief: when will you start to feel better? Death and grief is not something that can be compartmentalized. It’s impossible to tell someone that he or she will grieve for three months or six months or two years before starting to feel better. There is no set time frame for you to mourn your loved one. Bereavement is a process, not an event.

There are several theories on the different stages of grief. Author Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote the definitive book on this subject, On Death and Dying. When people discuss the stages of grief, they are most often referring to the five stages of grief that she defined. According to Kübler-Ross:

• The first stage of grief is denial. The bereaved feel as if this is not happening to them, that their loved one really didn’t die and everything will be fine.

• The second stage of grief is anger. This can be anger at anyone from the deceased to God. For example, those in bereavement often have thoughts of, “Why did you leave me alone like this?” towards their loved ones who died. Alternatively, their anger may be directed at God for taking away a loved one.

• The third stage of grief is bargaining. At this stage, the bereaved will promise anything in order to make life return to normal. It often involves promising to be a better person. For example, those who have lost a loved one often bargain with God: “I’ll stop smoking if I can have him back!”

• The fourth stage of grief is depression. This is true, devastating grieving. The reality of the death has finally set in and feelings of sadness and helplessness take over.

• The final stage of grief is acceptance. According to Kübler-Ross, this is when the bereaved will begin to feel better and return to a normal life. In acceptance there is healing because in acceptance, there is reality. Death is the final reality of life.

Alternative stages of grief

Dr. Roberta Temes studied alternative stages of grief in her book Living With An Empty Chair - A Guide Through Grief. The first stage of grief, as described by Dr. Temes, is what she refers to as numbness, a state where the bereaved simply go through the motions of everyday life and tasks. They literally feel numb and empty inside. There is little thought given to anything besides their grief. The second stage is disorganization. This is where grief intensifies and the bereaved actively mourn the loss of their loved ones. This is similar to the depression stage of grief as outlined by Kübler-Ross. The


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final stage of grief is reorganization. This is also similar to acceptance and the stage when the bereaved begin to feel emotionally stronger and “normal.”

So, when will you start to feel better?

Which researcher has it right, Kübler-Ross or Temes? When will you start to feel better? These stages of grief are only theories and both have their merits. They attempt to clarify and universalize the grief experience, since this is the one thing that we all have in common – death, and coping with the death of others. Everyone will mourn the loss of a loved one differently. Anyone who has ever experienced bereavement will identify with one, both, or a combination of the two theories on the stages of grief.

Each death you experience will be different than the others. The stages of grief may last longer or be shorter depending on the relationship held with the deceased. There is no “schedule” for grieving your loss. The wonderful thing about being a part of the human experience is that we are all different in the way we perceive the world, each other, and ourselves!

The experience of loss, death and grief is different for everyone. It is important to spend as much time as you need to mourn the loss of your loved one. The important thing to remember is that you will feel better. It will take time to heal and the feelings will be intense, but you will heal. This, too, will pass. What needs to be done immediately following a death Immediately following a loved one’s passing is a difficult time. Not only must you cope with your grief, but with the “business” details of their death as well. To relieve the additional stress of the unknown, it is crucial to be informed regarding what is expected after a loved one’s death. If a loved one dies at home, the county coroner’s office needs to be notified. The official pronouncement of death has to be made by a medical professional. This can be achieved through the coroner’s office or by contacting the deceased’s physician. If death occurred in a hospital or nursing home, an attending physician or other qualified medical personnel will provide the official pronouncement of death. If a U.S. citizen dies abroad, the death must be reported to the United States embassy, in the country where death occurred. A United States consular officer will report the death to the next of kin or legal representative. Private funds are required to have the loved one buried locally or his body returned to the states. A Report of the Death of an American Citizen will be prepared to provide information concerning the death and custody of the deceased’s belongings. After a loved one dies, it may be especially difficult to think clearly and single-handedly perform all the tasks at hand. Friends and other family members can be a means of emotional and practical support. As soon as possible, time should be taken to contact


others close to the deceased. Not only would they want to be notified, but they can also aid in dealing with the business affairs that must be accomplished after a loss. Once the coroner’s office has been notified and an official pronouncement of death decreed, arrangements must be made to have the body removed. This can be performed by:

• a mortuary that will be performing the funeral, • a crematory if the body is to be cremated or • according to instructions from a hospital if organs are to be donated.

If you will be making the funeral arrangements, it is imperative to take a friend or family member to advise and support you during this difficult task. Before going to the funeral home, take time to look through the deceased’s papers to see if she had a prepaid burial plan or left instructions regarding her desired funeral arrangements. Financial assistance may be available The passing of a loved one is often unexpected. The deceased may not have put forethought into the eventuality of his death. If the family has difficulty securing funds for a burial or cremation, there are various places that can be contacted for possible aid. Financial assistance is often available for those who were receiving public assistance. Help with burial expenses may be obtained by calling the local Department of Health and Human Resources immediately following the death of a loved one. If the deceased qualifies for assistance, the total expenses allowed for the burial will be limited. If the deceased was in the military, or was the spouse or dependent child of someone in the military, financial aid may be available through the Veterans Administration. Religious and fraternal organizations of which the deceased was a member are other possible means of financial assistance if funds for a funeral, burial or cremation are otherwise unavailable. Once the funeral arrangements have been made, a death certificate will be needed to settle the deceased’s affairs. A certified copy of the death certificate can be obtained from the funeral director. If additional copies are needed at a later date, they can be ordered through the Office of Vital Statistics in the county where death occurred. The loss of someone dear is both emotionally and physically overwhelming. In order to ease the additional stress of dealing with the business aspects of death, it is crucial to know what needs to be accomplished immediately following a loved one’s passing. If you are in the UK: click here for information about what to do after a death.


http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/RightsAndResponsibilities/Death/index.htm

How to write an obituary or death notice The term “obituary” generally refers to the notice in a newspaper announcing someone’s death. There is a difference between an obituary and a death notice. An obituary is a notice in the newspaper that provides the basic details of the person’s life. This is minimal information. The majority of people publish a death notice, although they also appear in the obituary section of the newspaper. The death notice is much more elaborate than the obituary. When the time comes to write an obituary, it will not be an easy task. Since deaths occur so frequently, there are often staff writers at the newspaper who are dedicated solely to the position. This allows for the obituaries to be written quickly in order to make the newspaper in time. Obituaries contain minimal information including the name, date of birth, date of death, place of residence, and sometimes the cause of death of the deceased. A death notice goes into much greater detail. Death notices include all of the above information as well as information about the funeral, including the funeral home as well as time of the service and time of the wake. Death notices will also include such information as the names and relationship of immediate family. The funeral notice is important in order to inform other people who will want to pay their respects. Who writes the obituary and where should they send it? Anyone can write an obituary or death notice. Usually it is an immediate family member who puts together all of the necessary information. Once this is done, the obituary can be sent via email or called in to the newspaper for publication. If writing the obituary is too difficult, then someone on staff at the newspaper will be able to write an acceptable obituary using the facts provided by the immediate family. It is a nice idea to publish a death notice that includes the funeral notice, so be sure to get the name and address of the funeral home and make sure it is spelled correctly. Funerals should be announced so that the family doesn’t need to screen phone calls from everyone and relay the information. This can be very difficult for the bereaved to handle. An obituary or death notice should be supplied to several local newspapers to ensure that as many people as possible who knew the deceased become aware of his or her death. If the deceased lived in a different state, then it would be a good idea to send an obituary notice to that local newspaper as well. Many local newspapers will publish an obituary for free or for a minimal fee. A death notice will take up more page space and will often cost more. Some death notices will also include a picture of the deceased. Obituaries and death notices are written as a way to honor the deceased. They share a small amount of information with the public and may also contain a funeral notice so that people know where they can go to pay their respects or send sympathy cards or flowers. A loved one’s dying is a very difficult experience. An obituary or death notice is a meaningful way to memorialize his or her life.


http://www.thelightbeyond.com/send_ecards.html

http://www.thelightbeyond.com/sympathy_flowers.html

Saying goodbye: how to plan a funeral service

Funerals are for the living. Although that may seem to be a statement of the obvious, it’s an important fact to remember in the planning of a funeral. Nothing in the funeral will bring the deceased back to life or make grief disappear. What the funeral or memorial service can do, however, is allow mourners to begin healing by sharing their loss, expressing their feelings, and commemorating a unique and precious life.

A funeral service is distinguished from a memorial service by the presence or absence of the remains of the deceased. When the body is present, the service is known as a funeral; when the body is absent, the service is a memorial. Either type of service is appropriate for a burial or a cremation. A funeral service may be held in a funeral parlor, a church, or in the family home, whereas a memorial service may be held anywhere. The funeral or memorial is an opportunity for family and friends to reflect on the life and honor the memory of the deceased. Beyond what is prescribed by religious or cultural tradition, funerals can be as unique as the individuals they honor. The first step, then, in planning a funeral service is to determine whether or not the funeral will include a religious service.

Religious funeral services

In some religious funeral services, eulogies are not allowed. Rather, the clergy member who conducts the service will deliver a sermon focusing on religious beliefs surrounding death and life after death. In such cases, it is entirely appropriate for a friend or family member of the deceased to deliver a eulogy following the religious ceremony. Time may also be set aside for individual guests to share their thoughts and memories of the deceased in their own mini-eulogies.

If you expect that some of the guests attending a religious funeral will not be of the same religious affiliation, be sure to offer a guide explaining the services.

Whether or not a funeral or memorial service is religious, there is ample opportunity to plan a unique service that is a fitting tribute to the deceased. For a religious ceremony, the clergy member who will be conducting the service can tell you which parts of the ritual can be personalized. For example, if the service calls for a reading from a sacred text, you may be able to choose the specific passage.

Personalizing the ceremony

If the funeral or memorial is not a religious service, however, you have the freedom to plan the service according to the desires of the deceased and the family. Although the service is not a religious rite, readings may include passages from sacred texts or favorite prayers. A favorite poem of the deceased may also be read, or a funeral poem may be chosen to express the feelings of the mourners.

Music is another important part of any ritual commemorating one of life’s major events, whether religious or not. A thoughtful selection of funeral music will set the tone for the


http://www.thelightbeyond.com/how_to_write_and_deliver_a_eulogy.html


service and create enduring memories for the guests. For more information on selecting funeral music, see Sound of the soul: how to choose music for a funeral.

Visual art may also be employed in the funeral service, by displaying either works created or inspired by the deceased or photographs commemorating the life of the deceased. Traditional or alternative funerals: a matter of choice

In the United States, as in every nation around the world, funerals are steeped in tradition. Every detail of a traditional funeral, from the choice of a casket to the selection of prayers and music for the funeral service, is influenced by religious and cultural customs. Today, however, the number of traditional funerals is slowly declining as more people choose alternative funeral services and burial options.

Since the 1960s, Americans have pursued more natural methods of giving birth, managing personal health, and caring for the dying. Personalized wedding ceremonies in non-traditional settings have also become very popular. Similarly, a movement toward greater personal choice in funerals and burials is gaining favor, with advocates citing economy, concern for the environment, and personal expression among the reasons for the rising popularity of alternative funerals.

If you’re faced with making funeral arrangements, perhaps one of the following options will seem right for you or your loved one. Or perhaps you have something else in mind. In that case, you may want to discuss your ideas with a funeral director, who can advise you regarding the cost and local regulations regarding the treatment and interment of human remains.

Traditional funeral

In the U.S., a traditional funeral typically includes a wake or visitation, which may or may not include viewing of the body, as well as a formal funeral service. From the funeral, a hearse transports the body to the cemetery.

Because of the many associated costs – embalming and dressing the body, use of the funeral home for a wake or service, use of the funeral home’s vehicles to transport the body and the family, as well as casket and burial plot – a traditional funeral is generally the most expensive. According to the Federal Trade Commission, the cost of a traditional funeral is typically around $6,000, with some traditional funerals costing well over $10,000.

Cremation

Cremation may take place shortly after death without embalming, or after a public viewing of the body. A funeral service may be held prior to the cremation, or a memorial service may take place at a later date, with or without the cremated remains present. Following the cremation, the ashes may be scattered in a favorite spot or placed in an


http://www.thelightbeyond.com/choosing_songs_and_music_for_a_funeral_service.html

urn, which may be kept at home by the family or buried in a cemetery or favorite setting. Cremation is often seen as an environmentally-friendly alternative to burial and usually costs less than a traditional funeral.

Direct burial

In a direct burial, burial occurs shortly after death, with no viewing of the body, so embalming is unnecessary. A memorial service may be held at a later time, at the graveside or elsewhere. Direct burial avoids many of the costs associated with a traditional funeral.

Green burial

Green burial is catching on as a relatively new alternative for people who are concerned about the environmental impacts of a traditional burial. In a green burial, the body is placed in a casket made of cardboard or other biodegradable materials, or simply wrapped in a shroud, and then laid to rest in a park or woodland known as a natural burial ground or eco-cemetery. Natural burial grounds generally feature trees or flat stones as grave markers, rather than granite or marble monuments. There are no embalming fluids, metal-and-plastic caskets, or concrete vaults in green burials; thus, they are generally less expensive than traditional burials.

Home funeral

Because the concept of a home funeral is contrary to the traditional, institutional approach to funerals and burials typically seen in the U.S., it is still an odd notion to many people. In fact, few people are aware that home funerals are legal in most states (excluding Connecticut, Delaware, Indiana, Nebraska and New York). Yet, although still uncommon, home funerals are slowly gaining respect and interest.

In a home funeral, family members care for the body after death, bathing and dressing it for viewing – a ritual often described as sacred by those who participate. No embalming is required; the body will be preserved well on dry ice for the typical three-day funeral period.

Economically, home funerals make sense, as their cost is just a fraction of the price of a traditional funeral. The most important benefits of a home funeral, however, may be psychological, although experts’ opinions differ on this matter. While keeping the body at home until the burial may help family members to accept the death and begin healing more quickly, families who have a hard time dealing with death may find it even harder to cope with their loved one’s body in the home.


Sound of the soul: how to choose music for a funeral

Music expresses feeling and thought, without language; it was below and before speech, and it is above and beyond all words.

Robert G. Ingersoll (1833-1899)

Music is the language of the heart, a way to share our most intense joys and sorrows. In times of grief, music evokes tears and smiles, and then surrounds us with a comforting embrace. The music played or sung at a funeral will live on in the hearts and memories of those who attend the funeral.

Selecting appropriate music is an important part of planning a meaningful funeral service. Carefully chosen funeral music will comfort and inspire guests as they celebrate the life and mourn the passing of the deceased.

Typically, funeral music is chosen to fulfill one of these purposes:

• Commemorate the life and personality of the deceased • Convey feelings for or about the deceased • Express religious beliefs about death and life after death

Making appropriate selections

When choosing music for a funeral that involves a religious service, talk to the clergy member about any religious rules regarding the music to be played. Some religions do not allow secular (popular) music at a religious service. If that is the case, you may still select secular music, but be sure it is played or sung outside of the religious service – as people are taking their seats and waiting for the service to begin, for example.

Beyond religious considerations, there are no rules governing funeral music – only the family’s wishes and cultural customs. Classical or new age instrumentals provide soothing background music, while sacred hymns offer hope. Popular songs that reflect the personality and interests of the deceased will stir memories that bring a smile to the lips or a tear to the eye.

If there is any doubt about the dignity or sensitivity of a musical selection – even if it was a favorite of the deceased – be sure to discuss your concerns with family members. After you’ve made your selections, give a copy of them to the family. To help guests understand the significance of an unusual selection, consider introducing the song with a story about its meaning for the deceased.

In planning the funeral service and scheduling the music, remember that it’s not necessary to fill every moment with music. Guests may appreciate a few moments of silence for reflection between musical selections.

Visit our Amazon store to find music for funeral services.



Resources for funeral music

A live performance by a talented friend or family member can lend a deeply personal touch to the music played at a funeral. If you don’t know a musician or singer who can sing at the funeral, however, ask the funeral director for recommendations, or check with your church – church musicians and choir members are often available to perform at funerals.

Most funeral homes also have sound systems on which you can play your own CD or tape, and many also have large selections of recorded music – classical, popular, or sacred – from which you can choose the pieces you’d like to hear. No matter what the source of your music, make sure you listen to the piece first to make sure, for example, that it is not a live version (with large crowds cheering) if you wanted the studio version.

Some suggested pieces for playing at a funeral

Popular songs

Amazing Grace – Elvis Presley Angel – Sarah McLachlan Angels – Robbie Williams Candle In The Wind – Elton John Death Is Not The End – Bob Dylan Everybody Hurts – REM Hallelujah – Jeff Buckley Have I Told You Lately – Van Morrison The Long And Winding Road – The Beatles Memory – Barbra Streisand My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion My Way – Frank Sinatra Over The Rainbow – Eva Cassidy Tears In Heaven – Eric Clapton Unchained Melody – Righteous Brothers Unforgettable – Nat King Cole What A Wonderful World – Louis Armstrong Wind Beneath My Wings – Bette Midler

Classical

Adagio For Strings – Albinoni Agnus Dei – Samuel Barber Ave Maria – Andrea Bocelli Canon in D major – Pachelbel Lacrimosa, from Requiem in D Minor – W.A. Mozart The Lark Ascending – Vaughan Williams Pavane – Fauré Pie Jesu – Fauré and others

This list is certainly not exhaustive, but we hope it gives you a good starting point. For hymns, speak to your minister who will be able to advise you on what is appropriate for a funeral.


What determines the cost of a funeral?

Because of our discomfort with the subject of death, making funeral arrangements is difficult, even when arrangements are made well in advance of any need. And when a funeral must be arranged for someone who has died or is near death, the emotional impact may be even stronger.

If you’re charged with arranging a loved one’s funeral, either in advance or at the time of death, you’ll be asked to make decisions about one of the biggest purchases many of us will ever make, third only to buying a home or a car. According to the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA), the average cost of a funeral in the United States is $6,500 – and some funerals cost well over $10,000. Most of us would never consider making such a sizeable purchase in an emotional moment, without investigating our options; yet every day, thousands of people who make funeral arrangements do just that.

Before you go to a funeral home to make arrangements, ask someone to accompany you, such as a trusted friend, family member, or pastor. In addition to providing emotional support, this person can help you to make sound, practical decisions during an emotionally difficult time. Remember that funeral costs are controllable. With a little forethought and planning, you can reduce costs and avoid paying fees for goods or services you don’t want.

The Funeral Rule

The Funeral Rule is a consumer-protection regulation, enforced by the U.S. Federal Trade Commission (FTC), which allows you to compare prices among funeral homes and to choose and pay for only those goods and services you want or need. The following are just some of the rights guaranteed under the Funeral Rule.

• The right to choose the merchandise and services you want. • The right to receive price information on the telephone. • The right to obtain an itemized price list from a funeral home. • The right to use an alternative container for cremation. • The right to use a casket or urn you purchased elsewhere.

To learn more about the Funeral Rule, visit the FTC’s website.

Funeral cost components

Having a basic understanding of funeral costs and what is and is not required will help you to make informed, sound decisions rather than choices based on emotion and misunderstanding.

• Basic professional services. The Funeral Rule allows funeral directors to charge a basic fee for those services that are common to all funerals. These include funeral consultation and planning, securing required permits and copies of death certificates, housing the remains, and coordinating arrangements with the


http://www.ftc.gov/bcp/edu/pubs/consumer/products/pro26.shtm

cemetery, crematory or other third party. The basic professional services fee does not include any optional merchandise or services.

• Optional merchandise. The single most expensive item included in funeral costs is the casket. For detailed information on selecting a casket, see How to choose a burial casket or coffin. Other merchandise options include a grave liner or vault, or an alternative container for cremation.

• Optional services. Optional services include embalming and preparation of the body for viewing; use of a hearse or other funeral car; use of funeral home facilities for the viewing, wake or other ceremony or service; use of equipment and staff for a graveside service; and cremation or burial.

• Cash payments. If you wish, the funeral home may purchase goods and services from outside vendors on your behalf, such as funeral flowers, obituary notices, and stipends for clergy, musicians, and soloists. In such a case, the funeral director will bill you for the actual charges incurred. If the funeral director should include a service fee in addition to the actual charges, that fact must be stated in writing, although the amount of the fee need not be disclosed.

How to choose sympathy flowers There’s something about the life and beauty of sympathy flowers that illuminates a house that has been darkened by a death. Flowers have been part of the burial process for centuries throughout the world. They comfort the bereaved with their beauty, and give hope with their colorful spirit. In these modern days, many people are confused by the process of trying to comfort bereaved people, whether trying to write a card, knowing when to stop by, or when purchasing funeral flowers. The following guide will clarify the process of choosing the perfect flowers to express your sympathy for a funeral.

For the funeral service

If you are a close member of the family or you feel compelled to send flowers to the funeral service, there are several floral gifts available, detailed below. Some families request arrangements that can be sent to a hospital or nursing home after the service to bring joy to the patients there. If you want the funeral flowers to last several days, such as for a viewing and a funeral, it’s best to order them in water or floral foam.

Casket Cover: these large and expensive arrangements are usually purchased by a member of the immediate family and placed on top of a closed casket. They are available in half or full style. Inside Casket Piece: this arrangement is placed on the inside lid of the casket for open-casket funerals. It is usually supplied by a family member.


http://www.thelightbeyond.com/choosing_a_burial_casket.html

http://www.thelightbeyond.com/choosing_a_burial_casket.html

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http://www.thelightbeyond.com/how_to_write_a_sympathy_card.html



Funeral Spray: these are large arrangements assembled to be viewed from one side. They usually stand on an easel. Wreath: likewise on an easel, these arrangements are viewed at the funeral and can also be taken to the grave site. Variations of the wreath may include an open or solid heart, or a bouquet arranged on a base of floral foam. Funeral Basket: friends and extended relatives may want to send these arrangements to the service. Ask for a standing basket if you want the flowers elevated on a wire stand, or a floor basket to be placed on the ground or a stage.

For the family’s home

It’s always appropriate to send flowers to the home of the surviving members of the family, even if you missed the funeral service. Sympathy Basket or Vase: these arrangements can be purchased by friends and extended family members to be sent to the service or the family’s home. After it has been enjoyed at the funeral, the bereaved family can take it home. Sympathy Plants: living plants, such as a peace lily or other blooming flora, will bring long-lasting comfort to the bereaved family. These can be sent to the funeral or directly to their home.

You will need to send a sympathy card with your sympathy flowers. If you are unsure what to say, read the article below for our guide on How to write a sympathy card. Message from the heart: writing a sympathy card

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.

William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

When someone you know loses a loved one, the simple, thoughtful gesture of writing a sympathy card or condolence letter can bring an untold measure of comfort to the bereaved. In the quest to find the perfect words of condolence for a sympathy message, however, many people become overwhelmed and may avoid writing altogether. If this should happen to you, begin by accepting the fact that no matter how carefully you choose your words, your condolences will not make everything better – nothing can do that. But a thoughtful, sincere sympathy message, written from the heart, can be a soothing balm, allowing the bereaved to feel your love and support and know that she is not alone in her sorrow.



http://www.thelightbeyond.com/how_to_write_a_sympathy_card.html


When is the best time to send a sympathy card?

The best time to send a sympathy card is as soon as you learn of the death. Expressing your condolences will be easier and more natural when you spontaneously share your feelings. You may choose to send your sympathy message in the form of a store-bought sympathy card, a condolence letter handwritten on personal stationery, or one of our free sympathy ecards, but whichever method you choose, make sure that you include a personal message.

As you write, avoid the use of platitudes – they’re seldom helpful, and they may cause even more pain to the bereaved, who is raw with emotion. Presumptive statements that may be perceived as judgmental, like “it’s for the best” or “it was God’s will,” or any form of “you should” or “you will,” no matter how well intended, may provoke feelings of anger or resentment.

Make sure your sympathy message is genuine and sincere

Also, resist the temptation to say “I know how you feel.” Even if you’ve shared a similar experience – such as the sudden and tragic death of a loved one in an accident, for example – it’s important to remember that everyone grieves differently. The only feelings you can be sure of are your own. A sympathy message that states something like, “I was shocked and deeply saddened to learn of Jim’s untimely death” is more sincere, and your willingness to share your own feelings will help the bereaved to cope with hers.

If you personally knew the deceased, consider writing about a treasured memory to let your grieving friend know how his loved one touched your life. Name the qualities you will always remember when you think of the deceased, such as a sparkling wit, unwavering courage, or profound kindness. Above all, be genuine. If you didn’t know the deceased well, focus on your bereaved friend, and let him know that you are there.

Keep your sympathy message simple

It’s a good idea to keep your sympathy message simple. Offer to help if you can, but be specific. An invitation to “Call me if you need anything” is likely to be ignored. “I’d be glad to baby sit or run errands to give you a break. I’ll call next week to see how I can help,” on the other hand, is far more useful – and your friend is more likely to accept your offer of assistance.

The act of writing a sympathy card or letter of condolence builds a bridge of communication, opening the door for your friend to share her grief. When she’s ready, it may be easier for her to speak to you about her sorrow because you generously shared the gift of yourself in your sympathy message.

Why not send one of our free sympathy ecards?




Death certificates: a little knowledge reduces stress Coping with loss is one of the hardest events an individual must face in his or her lifetime. If you have experienced the death of a spouse, child, or other loved one, you not only face the emotional devastation of your loss, but you must also handle the practical aspects of death. Making funeral arrangements, collecting on a life insurance policy and filing and obtaining a death certificate are just a few of the affairs that must be attended to. This can be overwhelming, even if you have dealt with the death of a loved one before. To alleviate additional stress caused by tending to the “business” details of a loved one’s death, it is important to become knowledgeable beforehand. One of the first tasks that must be accomplished is filing and obtaining a death certificate. The completion and submission of the death certificate forms to the Bureau of Vital Statistics is usually handled by the funeral home that will be overseeing the burial or cremation. Information from you is needed before the funeral home can file the death certificate. To make this process as stress-free as possible, you should have pertinent information on hand before proceeding to the funeral home. Information needed to file a death certificate includes the deceased’s:

• social security card, • occupation at time of death, • address, including county and zip code, • surviving spouse’s name, • parent’s names, including mother’s maiden name and • place of burial, including cemetery section, lot and space.

If cremation is involved, or the body donated, this needs to be noted as well. This information might appear to be common knowledge, especially if it is your spouse who has died. However, your husband or wife’s mother’s maiden name may not be known. This could be cumbersome to obtain, especially if both parents are deceased. It is crucial to have this information on file for two important reasons. First, it can delay filing of the death certificate if the information is not available. Second, if incorrect information is given, it will delay the process further, due to an amended death certificate needing to be filed. The funeral home tending to the burial or cremation will usually provide certified copies of the death certificate as part of their fee. This will allow you to handle affairs such as settling the estate, collecting on a life insurance policy or terminating or receiving government services.


If you want a certified copy of a death certificate after it has been filed with the Bureau of Vital Statistics, you will need to contact the office in the state where your loved one died. Each state has its own requirements to obtain a copy of a death certificate. This information can be obtained on-line or by calling the office of Vital Statistics. To obtain a death certificate there is a fee, which varies from state to state. Additional copies can be requested, but there will be additional charges. In the United States, death certificates can be obtained on anyone, regardless of the requestor’s relationship to the deceased. However, many states, such as California, are attempting to stop the illegal use of death certificates by passing laws to change the way certified copies of death certificates are issued. Certified copies of a death certificate can only be released to:

• a parent or legal guardian, • an individual entitled to obtain a copy by a court order, • a law enforcement or other governmental agency that is conducting official

business, • a child, grandparent, sister, brother, or spouse, or • an attorney who represents the deceased or the deceased’s estate.

The death of a loved one is a devastating event. Not only must you cope with the emotional impact of your loss, but you may be responsible for dealing with the business aspects of the death. In order to make filing and obtaining a death certificate as stress free as possible, it is crucial to have pertinent information on file. This will not only make the process of filing a death certificate less stressful, but will enable the death certificate to be filed with the Bureau of Vital Statistics in a timely manner. It is also important to review the death certificate before it is filed to ensure that all information is correct. If erroneous information is entered, then an amended death certificate would need to be filed. When coping with the death of a loved one, additional difficulties should be averted if possible. Tying up loose ends: settling the deceased’s estate The death of a loved one is a difficult time in the lives of the deceased’s family and friends. Not only must they cope with their grief, but also the additional stress of putting the deceased’s affairs in order. From making funeral arrangements and obtaining death certificates to settling the deceased’s estate, the long list of tasks that must be accomplished can be overwhelming. Immediately following a death, the individual who has been named as the personal representative in the deceased’s will can make funeral and burial arrangements. By searching through the deceased’s paperwork, it can be determined if he/she had written instructions pertaining to funeral arrangements, had a prepaid burial plan or belonged to a memorial society. Information can be obtained from the Bar Association in the state where death occurred to find out how a personal representative is appointed when there is no will.


Wills are usually kept in a safe deposit box, in a file in the deceased’s home, or in the attorney’s office. If the will was filed while the deceased was still alive, it would already be recorded in the court. Once the original will is located, it should be filed within ten days with the probate court. Anyone whose name is on the safe deposit box may enter it. A representative of the bank will search the box while the heir or beneficiary is present and remove the will. The bank will then forward it to the court and after it is filed the personal representative or executor named in the will can petition the court to be appointed. It is often necessary to search for important documents before the personal representative of the will is appointed. In such cases, a designated representative or court officer will search the deceased’s home, office and the safe deposit box in the presence of an accountant, attorney or investment professional for documents. These important papers include, but are not limited to:

• trust and nuptial agreements • life insurance policies • bank statements and checkbooks • income tax returns • divorce papers • stocks and bonds • birth, marriage and death certificates • health insurance information • vehicle titles • unpaid bills • deeds • leases

All pertinent documents are necessary to settle the deceased’s estate. Death certificates are also needed to put the deceased’s affairs in order. The deceased’s assets must be reviewed to determine which institutions will require a death certificate. It is important to contact these institutions to notify them of the death and to see if a death certificate is warranted. Various persons or establishments that should be contacted are:

• Employer, to find out about benefits • An attorney, to transfer assets and report taxes • The deceased’s bank, to locate accounts and a possible safe deposit box • Social Security Office, to learn of benefits or stop monthly checks • Insurance agent, to get claim forms • Utility companies, to discontinue service if necessary • Accountant, to determine what returns need to be filed • Post office, to stop or forward mail

It is imperative to be wary of telephone solicitations and invoices after the death of a loved one. They should all be reviewed carefully to insure their validity, as there are dishonest people who prey on individuals when they are most vulnerable. It is also crucial to avoid making claims as a beneficiary or transferring a title to assets until it has


been determined if there is a tax or non-tax reason to refuse the asset. An attorney is an invaluable resource to advise if accepting an asset may result in losing a tax advantage. The death of a loved one is a heart-wrenching event in the lives of the deceased’s family and friends. Dealing with the overwhelming aspects of putting the loved one’s affairs in order can appear insurmountable. It is important to remember that the process will take time and it is not necessary to accomplish all these tasks immediately. Where there’s a will, there’s a lawyer: probate law demystified Having just lost a loved one, probably the last thing you are interested in is settling the estate of the deceased through a lawyer that specializes in probate law. As soon as you’ve laid your loved one to rest, however, it is time for the inevitable trips to your lawyer’s office and eventually to the courtroom where a probate judge will preside over the final disposition of your loved one’s estate. In probate law, there is a lot of legal language that can be very confusing. Unlike contract disputes, family law and criminal law, probate has its own terminology that, though essential for you to understand, can be mind-boggling in its complexity. In reality, once you get through the legal language of probate law, it is not that difficult. If your loved one left a will, your probate lawyer will competently walk you through all the legal steps necessary for the estate to be settled as quickly and easily as possible. A Last Will and Testament:

• Declares the final wishes of the deceased regarding the distribution of his/her personal and real (as in real estate) property after death. The term “testament” means “promise.” Putting it all together, a last will and testament comprises the final desire and promise to your loved one’s survivors.

• Is a legally binding document unless it can be proven in a probate court that the “testator” (the person making the will) was either incompetent to direct his/her final affairs or was coerced into making certain provisions for others in the will. Probate law assumes that the testator was competent and was not coerced at the time of the writing of the will unless directly challenged by another individual.

• Is either formally drawn up by an attorney, or hand-written. Most people hire an attorney to draft their wills so that all legal aspects will be addressed. However, American probate law recognizes a hand-written will as long as it is entirely written, dated and signed by the testator. This is called a “holographic” will. Unless the holographic will is challenged by a relative or potential beneficiary of the deceased, it is as legally binding as a will prepared by an attorney.

• Is a document that declares that the testator is of sound mind and has not been coerced regarding the contents of the will, contains the names of the testator’s blood relatives to whom certain bequests are made and the names of other non-family members or organizations who will receive benefits from the will, describes the testator’s real and personal property, and specifies how the testator wishes to disperse his/her estate.


• Names the executor of the decedent’s will, and specifies whether this executor shall serve with or without bond. An executor is someone whom the decedent names to administer her/his will – usually a trusted relative such as a spouse or adult child or an institution, such as a bank where the decedent kept funds. Unless the will specifies otherwise, an executor must post a bond (for which a fee is charged by the issuing company) with the court assuring faithful performance of the duties of that office on behalf of the beneficiaries and creditors of the estate. The decedent may also direct that the executor serves without bond.

• Directs that the decedent’s estate pay all final expenses, taxes, court costs, executor’s fees, and attorney fees. This is accomplished by the decedent’s executor. Inheritance taxes, however, are paid by the beneficiaries of the will and not by the estate of the decedent.

• Gives specific directions as to the dispersal of the estate if the testator’s spouse and/or children pre-decease him/her.

Do I need a probate attorney? In most cases, yes. Probate law tends to be complicated, especially if the will is either holographic or contested. It takes a seasoned probate lawyer to guide you through the legal complexities of settling your loved one’s estate even when the will is uncontested. In an ideal world, wills would be properly written and followed, but this is an unrealistic wish in some cases. Suppose, for example, that your loved one was not in a healthy state of mind when writing his/her will and left the entire estate, under duress, to a charity that has a shady reputation. All of your loved one’s blood relatives have been completely eliminated as inheritors. You would need an attorney to sort this out and represent family members who believe that the will was written under duress. If your loved one’s estate totals more than $25,000, the probate court judge will advise you that it would be in your best interest to hire a probate attorney. In most states, an estate under $25,000 is subject to “summary administration,” which is a sped-up probate procedure for small estates that need not be subjected to the full probate procedure. You will most likely need a probate lawyer to guide you through this procedure, but the court costs and attorney fees will be much less than with a more sizeable estate. The last word The Uniform Probate Code attempts to standardize probate procedures in all states, instead of having each state administer wills differently. Since the Code provides specific probate procedures that can be used in any jurisdiction, probate law has become much simpler. The best thing you can do for yourself and your loved one’s family and friends is to return to the attorney who originally drafted the will. Contested wills are an extremely complex and adversarial procedure that is very unpleasant for all family members and friends of the deceased. If your loved one’s will is challenged, it is essential for you to retain the services of a probate lawyer who specializes in contested wills. In settling your loved one’s estate, it is essential that this legal procedure be accurately carried out, providing a much-needed sense of closure for all concerned. Need more help? Visit our Amazon store to find books on wills and probate.



12 constructive ways to help others grieve and remember • Help your friend plant a tree in memory of his deceased loved one.

• Suggest that your friend creates a collage of her favorite photos of her and the

deceased, and even have her write a message on it.

• Buy a journal (such as Angel Catcher) for the bereaved, in which he can keep

memories of his loved one.

• Make a CD of the deceased’s favorite music.

• Make a special trip to the deceased’s favorite place.

• Start a new yearly tradition, and write it on your calendar to remind yourself, so that

your friend knows her loved one will never be forgotten.

• Make a cement stepping stone with the deceased’s name, and put it in a quiet spot.

• Find out if the deceased had a special cause, and organize a fundraiser for a

donation in his name. If he loved the outdoors, donate to the Sierra Club. If he loved

dogs or cats, donate to the ASPCA.

• Recycle the deceased’s clothing into something memorable, such as a pillow with

her name embroidered on it.

• Make a box of the deceased’s favorite things: include a favorite movie, CD, book,

quotations etc. Whenever your friend opens it, he’ll remember the things his loved

one treasured and will feel close to the deceased again.

• Name a star after the deceased.

• Plant a memorial garden, no matter how small, with the deceased’s favorite plants

and flowers.

Don’t say:

• “It was her time.”

• “Everything happens for a reason.”

• “You’re lucky you even had a [dad/mom/brother…].”

• “It’s time you got over it.”

• “He’s in a better place.”

• “You need to let her go.”

• “I know how you feel.”



• “God needed him more than you.”

• “God didn’t give you anything you cannot handle.”

• “Men don’t cry.”

But remember: the worst thing you can say is nothing. Helping others, helping yourself: a loved one’s legacy

How do you want to be remembered? It’s a question most of us will encounter at some point in our lives. Ask the people around you what they want to be remembered for, and you’ll probably hear answers like:

• helping others

• being a good wife (or husband or parent)

• my integrity

Although it’s natural to want to honor and preserve the memory of someone who has died, survivors may be unsure of the best way to do that. If you are considering ways to honor your loved one, ask yourself how he or she would want to be remembered. You’ll undoubtedly come up with several excellent ideas, but if you need some suggestions, consider the following:

• Donate money to a worthy cause your loved one would support.

• Purchase a park bench with your loved one’s name inscribed.

• Volunteer with your local hospice to help support dying patients and their families.

• If the deceased leaves behind school-age children, start a scholarship fund to

support their education.

• Help to mentor the surviving children.

• Organize a community blood drive in memory of the deceased.

• Volunteer time with the local library, community center, or some other

organization that would be meaningful to your loved one.

In addition to preserving your loved one’s legacy, you’ll reap the rewards of helping others – a powerful way to help your grieving heart to heal.

It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life, that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)


10 strategies for coping with grief Grief is a personal experience, unique to each mourner and unique to each loss. Grief comes in waves, as times of peace and calm are suddenly shattered by overpowering emotion. The following strategies provide a few suggestions to help you ride out the waves as you cope with your grief. 1. Take time out. In many ways, the experience of grief is similar to recovery from a

serious illness; some days will be darker, and some will be brighter. Recognize your limits, and separate the things that must be done from those that can wait. Don’t worry about keeping up with your usual schedule. If you have to cancel or reschedule commitments, people will understand.

2. Avoid making major decisions. Grief can cloud your judgment and make it

difficult to see beyond the pain you’re feeling at the moment. Impulsive decisions – to move or change jobs, for example – can have far-reaching implications for which you may be unprepared. If you must make an important decision, discuss your options with someone you trust, such as a friend or financial advisor.

3. Talk. Painful feelings held inside are like an infection festering in a wound – they

need to come out in order for you to heal. When friends ask how they can help, ask them to just be with you and listen. Tell them how important it is for you to be able to express what you’re thinking and feeling. If you think you need more than the support of your friends, consider talking with a professional counselor.

4. Express yourself creatively. Writing is another excellent way to express yourself.

Try keeping a journal or writing letters, whether you send them or not. When words won’t come, artistic outlets like painting or sculpting can help you to communicate what’s in your heart and soul. Creative expression can bring clarity to the turmoil you feel and insight into feelings you weren’t aware of.

5. Honor your loved one’s memory. Preserve your memories in ways that are

comforting and meaningful. Enlarge and frame a favorite photo of your loved one, or compile a scrapbook of letters and mementoes from the good times you shared. Make a quilt from his clothing, or plant a tree or a bed of his favorite flowers to create a lasting tribute. Contributing time or money to your loved one’s favorite cause or charity is also a noble way to honor her memory.

6. Take care of your physical health. Grief takes a physical toll as well as an

emotional toll. Rest, exercise, and proper nutrition are essential to healing. Counteract a poor appetite by eating small amounts of healthy foods rather than large meals. If you have difficulty sleeping, try taking brief naps or just putting your feet up and relaxing whenever you can. And while you may not be motivated to exercise, just taking a brief walk now and then can lift your spirits and help you to sleep at night.

7. Avoid using chemicals to numb your feelings. A glass of wine can be good for

the soul and help to settle jangled nerves, but overdoing it can bring a host of new


8. Have fun. Grieving is difficult, but it doesn’t mean you have to feel bad all the time;

in fact, it’s important to take a break from focusing on your grief. Have fun when you can, whether it’s reading a good book, watching a movie, playing cards, or resuming other activities you enjoyed before your loss. Don’t feel guilty about it.

9. Plan ahead for special occasions. Anniversaries and holidays can be stressful

times when you’ve lost someone you love, and especially so in the first year or two. Talk with family members about your concerns; this may be a good time to introduce new traditions to mark special occasions.

10. Reach out. In the beginning, grief may be so intense that you just want to withdraw

or isolate. Soon, though, you’ll be ready to ease back into social contact. Make a date with an old friend, or invite a neighbor to lunch. Or try volunteering with your church or favorite charity – you’ll make new social contacts while you help others, and you’ll feel good about yourself.

Our thoughts are with you Just a final note to say that our thoughts are with you at this difficult time, and we wish you all the best. We do hope that you have found this little book useful, and look forward to receiving your feedback or suggestions for improvement. You can get in touch with us via the Contact page on our website, www.thelightbeyond.com. It is our mission in life to be as helpful as we can to as many people as possible, so if you can think of anyone else who may benefit from reading this guide, please do pass it on to them together with our very best wishes.

Lucie Storrs Creator of The Light Beyond



How else can we help you?

On our website, www.thelightbeyond.com, we have many different resources to help the bereaved on their journey through grief. Below are just some of them:

If you might find our services useful, then we hope to see you on the site one day. In the meantime, take good care, and look after yourself as well as the others around you. And remember, although it may not seem like it right now: this, too, will pass.


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