being sian' - our new flat

8/14/2019 'Being Sian' - Our New Flat

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‘Being Sian ’

Our New Flat

We got the flat today. The joy of getting it slightly lifted James’ psychoticmood, though I don’t remember him actually smiling, but at least hewasn’t jumping down my throat as much. After an hour in the local

council office being warned like criminals, about all the ways we could loseit, we signed the forms and finally it was ours.

It was two o’ clock in the afternoon when we actually stepped into theblock of flats to press the button for the lift. We stood with Paul, the localhousing officer, expectant but uncomfortable at the same time at being

strangers, the silence making me search for something to say, but findingnothing. Paul wasn’t that friendly or i nterested anyway; this was just

another job holding him up from his office duties. We were just scumbagson the Dole who managed to screw the system; you could read the

thoughts on his bland, distant face.

The bell pinged a low jangle as the lift finally arrived. I expected to stepforward into it but had to move back instead, to let out three noisy people

who glanced at us curiously, our presence doing little to dent theenthusiasm of whatever was making them so happy. I felt envious, thiswas a good day for me too, so why did I feel so apprehensive, and as if

things were happening around me without my control?

The lift stopped on the fourth floor. The corridor leading to our front door

seemed to go on for ages, it seemed very long and narrow. The ceiling feltlow as well, and the paint was almost white, giving a surreal atmosphereof a hellish heaven. I kept looking at Paul’s face as we passed each door

along the way, looking for a facial sign that one of them was ours. Hedisappointed me by staring ahead the whole time, unwilling to make anyeye contact. As we kept on walking I realised we must be near the end.



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Paul kept on going until we reached the very last flat on the left. I wassurprised. I hadn’t expected it to be ‘the end flat’, but saw the benefitsimmediately- more privacy, less noise to escape, less witnesses to our

private lives together.

Paul stopped at a dirty mat outside the flat and handed James the key. Ithad two on it, so one would be mine, but only after the men had claimed

the rights over them before me. I felt a little pushed out of theproceedings. He turned the key in the lock and the large heavy woodendoor opened a few feet wider all the way, until the inside landing was

revealed, a square section, almost an exact box of doorways. The electricmeter was immediately to the left. To the right was the small bathroom,

with no windows. Ahead was the living room. The door was closed andPaul opened it, as we all followed him through.

Straight away I noticed the ugly partition to the kitchen on the right.Three panes of old, yellow, dirty mottled glass filled the section in

between horrid blue painted vertical beams of wood. I hated the fact thatI couldn’t see through the glass. All the appliances were fixed onto t he

one wall on the right as you passed through the kitchen door inside. Theonly break from the imprisonment was the window to the left past thecooker. I felt trapped and enclosed in the small oblong kitchen and just

wanted to get out of there.

As we crossed back into the medium sized living room, I was pleased withthe amount of windows and the large balcony. I went straight to it,

impatient for the key to open the door. I wasn’t disappointed. I lovedbeing able to lean over the balcony, fresh air hitting my face as I breathedin the first breath of my new life here. Gone were the miserable days of

depending on mother. I felt satisfied, and for a minute all the negativethoughts disappeared, and I even felt optimistic.

“Right then shall we see the rest of the flat?” Paul’s voice broke my spell.



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As we trooped across to the back of the flat I noticed a storage cupboardfacing left before we reached the bedroom door. I was pleased about that,

I would need storage space. Now inside the room, Paul hung back shyly,making us have visions of sex in the bed. I pretended this thought never

crossed my mind. Actually I found the room very enclosing, despite thelarge window at the end. I edged out of it again.

Paul finalised his visit with a few last minute arrangements to James andbid us goodbye and ‘good luck’. His last words almost made me wonder

whether I would need it, as though a curse was upon me and he wasattempting to break it, as if he sensed it subconsciously.

“Paul told us to apply for a furniture grant from the Dole office.” Jamessaid now, unaware of my silent thought. “We can do that tomorrow. We

need to charge the electric key up as well. I suppose we’ll sleep on thefloor tonight then?”

Leaving me with the task of visiting my mother to get some bedding fortonight, he busied himself with rolling a joint, leaning against the living

room window, with his long bony legs in his jeans. He had forgotten aboutme, wrapped in his own thoughts. After giving me his orders, I served nopur pose now. I might have left the flat already, he didn’t see me standingthere still, looking over at him, wondering whether I would ever break into

that ice cold heart of his. As I left I didn’t hear him say goodbye.

copyright@emmasharn2009

being sian' - our new flat

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